Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 15: Lie Rin (Ren R63), or: As Ancient Mistralians Once Said
Jaune liked to think that he wasn't completely oblivious. Sure, he had his occasional moments of stupidity, such as not realizing how much Weiss just wasn't into him, but those aside, he had always prided himself on being able to accurately read people. If it weren't for his dick getting in the way, he could probably go his whole life without making an absolute ass of himself. Reading people, after all, had never been that hard for him aside from those times when his hormones had been messing with his head.
Or so he had thought, until he had started dating Rin.
It really shouldn't have been hard, but there was just something about her that made it hard. She was very quiet and unassuming, not to mention stoic. Granted, Nora didn't seem to have a problem when it came to reading her, but then again the two of them had known each other since they were very young kids, so that made sense. It was kind of like how his mother instinctively knew how to tell the twins apart, even though he was pretty sure she had been drunk off of boxed wine for pretty much the entire time the two of them had been little – spend that much time around someone and you'll eventually instinctively learn how to read them. If only he could be so lucky.
Because right now, it was tough to tell exactly what Rin wanted from him.
She was currently lying on her bed, meditating. Jaune, meanwhile, was nose-deep in a comic book, though it was hard to focus with how she kept cracking open her eyes to look at him, only to close them once he looked over in her direction. It was honestly kind of irritating – he kept thinking that she wanted something, but she seemed intent on evading him, forcing him to guess.
Sure, the astute reader out there will probably realize that there was a simple solution to this problem, that being that he just ask her… but dammit, he was a man, and at this point it was a competition between the two of him. His masculine pride was on the line, and he wasn't about to lose to his girlfriend unless something made him lose.
There are those of you out there who don't understand, but trust me when I say that one day, you will realize just how important it is for our masculine pride that we be number one in dumb things.
I was going to write a big hypothetical statement directed towards any women out there who are reading this, trying to convince them that this is actually super important and not at all dumb, but let's be honest, there are approximately zero women reading this fic. The odds of there being even a single girl out there that enjoys this garbage are about as high as RT suddenly making Cinder a compelling and interesting character, or making Oscar not completely terrible. This entire thing is one big sausagefest, basically the fan fiction equivalent of the boys' locker room. All that's missing is the thinly-veiled homosexuality and the scent of Axe body spray, but give me enough time and I'll probably find a way to shoehorn those in anyway. What, were you expecting something high-brow? Please, my guy – you've been here for fifteen chapters, you ought to know better than to expect anything but the lowest of low-brow from me. At this rate it'll be like more five chapters at most before I'm reduced to just quoting that stupid fucking 'Uh Oh Stinky' video or something equally as crass.
Anyway, the point was that while Jaune could have just asked her what was up, doing so would be an insult to his masculine pride, akin to stopping to ask for directions or refusing to jerk off to Yang's tits – he simply couldn't consider himself to be a man anymore if he did it. So there he sat, desperately trying to pretend like Rin wasn't getting under his skin, even though she totally was.
"Oh, come on!" Nora finally shouted, getting the other three occupants of the room.
"Yes, Nora?" Pyrrha asked, raising an eyebrow.
Nora stomped over to Jaune, gnashing her teeth the whole time. Jaune blinked, surprised, only to recoil slightly in fear when she grabbed his comic book and threw it away, then glared at him.
"You," she hissed.
He swallowed nervously. "Y-yes, ma'am?"
"Do us all a big favor and just ask her what she wants, will you? Watching you two go back and forth is driving me crazy."
Well, that was different – it was one thing to give up his man card by losing this competition, and quite another to lose it because Nora had gotten mad with him and crushed his balls with her hammer.
Honestly, he probably should have expected this when he had started dating Rin – her and Nora were practically connected at the hip, in a the most non-gay way imaginable (which was honestly kind of surprising – he had thought that they were an item, especially with how Nora insisted that they weren't together-together, but as it turns out they were just really good friends… who were really comfortable with each other… to the point where they usually shared the shower in the mornings and evenings and even helped each other get dressed...
Why yes, he did have quite the spank bank these days, how could you guess?)
Anyway, the point was that he may have been dumb enough to interpret what Rin was doing as a challenge to his manhood, but he wasn't quite dumb enough to risk angering Nora. Quickly scrambling out of bed, he moved over to where Rin was still meditating, clearing his throat. Slowly, she cracked one eye open, not breaking her meditative stance.
"Yes, lover?"
"Y-yeah, um… did you want something?"
She raised an eyebrow. "What makes you think I want something?"
"Well, you kept looking at me out of the corner of your eye. I figured you wanted something."
"Oh, that." She shrugged. "I merely enjoy your presence. It is very calming."
Well, that was certainly irritating. It must have shown on his face, because Rin frowned.
"Is something the matter?" she asked. "I didn't bother you, did I?"
Jaune was quick to retract, frantically shaking his head. "Not at all, babe! Heh. Yeah, nothing to worry about."
"Oh, that's good. As Ancient Mistralians once said-"
What followed was incomprehensible gibberish that Jaune had no hope of understanding. He cast a glance between Nora and Pyrrha, who seemed equally as lost. Confused, he turned back to Rin.
"Um, care to explain in Valean?"
Her eyes glinted mischievously. "As Ancient Mistralians once said, 'Man who fight with girlfriend all day get no piece at night'."
Jaune felt himself flush red, but not as red as Pyrrha. "Y-yes, well… I'll keep that in mind."
The corners of Rin's mouth quirked upwards slightly, but she said nothing, instead going back to meditating. Jaune shuffled his feet awkwardly before looking over to Nora, who gave him a thumbs-up. Satisfied that she was satisfied, Jaune quickly made his way back over to his bed, picking his comic book up in the process.
Thank the Gods his girlfriend wasn't such a jerk that she took advantage of having access to Nora to get him to do whatever she wanted, otherwise he would truly be pussy whipped.
Dating Rin, naturally, came with its own fair share of quirks. Jaune had expected that things wouldn't be completely smooth sailing – they were, after all, a pair of hormonal teenagers deep in the throngs of puberty who had polar opposite personalities and shared very few interests, and…
Huh. Why were they dating again? Was it really just a physical connection that kept them tied to each other? Because they really didn't have a whole lot in common, now that he thought about it. Not that there was anything wrong with simply being with someone because you thought they were cute, it just seemed… kind of shallow? Even then, he was more than willing to look past it for a variety of reasons, but mainly because the sex was pretty good.
Was that shallow too? Probably, but he honestly didn't care. Feel free to complain about him being shallow; he'll just nod his head before slipping Rin the ol' Valean sausage.
Anyway, shallowness aside, the only thing that concerned him about his relationship was that it seemed kind of contrived. It was just weird, how two people who had no business being in a relationship somehow managed to get in a relationship anyway. It was almost as if there was some outside force pushing them together for its own entertainment. It'd be like if Ruby suddenly got together with some stupid farmboy from Mistral – that is, it would be so dumb that it would progress past merely being stupid and instead become downright retarded.
...Why did he suddenly feel like the main attraction at a carnival? Was this how animals at the zoo felt? Maybe he should ask Blake or Velvet.
Okay, this was getting weird, so he was just gonna move on.
So, dating Rin was generally pretty drama-free; there were no real complaints.
Aside from one.
"Rin, let's go!"
And that one complaint was named Nora.
Rin blinked, refusing to allow herself to be pulled from her seat. "Sorry, Nora – I promised Jaune that I'd spend time with him."
"But you spend time with him every night!"
"Because we're having sex."
"Well, we can't do that, so I need my Rin time some other way! So come ooooon!"
Jaune sighed tiredly. He liked Nora, really he did, but she was overbearing on a good day, and that was before he had started going out with Rin. Now that the two of them were dating, Nora had gotten even more demanding. He couldn't blame her – the two girls were, after all, best friends who had been together since childhood – but at the same time, this was just ridiculous. She was treating Rin like some kind of security blanket, without which she would shrivel up and die of loneliness. Honestly, she was lucky that the two of them had gotten paired up during initiation – Jaune was pretty sure she would have had a heart attack if Rin had been partnered with someone else.
Nora continued to pull on Rin's arm, the older girl refusing to budge. "Sorry, Nora. I'll spend time with you later."
Nora deflated, hanging her head with a sad sigh. "Okay, Rin..."
Wow, now he just felt bad. Honestly – and he was saying this with complete sincerity – it probably would have been easier if the two of them had been gay for each other. They were already pretty inseparable, not to mention as close as two people who weren't siblings or lovers could possibly get, so the fact that neither one was attracted to the same sex was honestly kind of a shame; it was like the perfect relationship had been presented to the world, only for the Gods to proclaim 'No, fuck you, you don't get to enjoy anything nice and pure' and made it so both parties could never be attracted to each other.
Again, Jaune felt like there was something wrong, as if there was some cosmic twist of fate keeping Rin and Nora separated, and that it somehow also involved him.
Okay, no more Pumpkin Pete's before bed.
With that in mind, Jaune cleared his throat. "Sorry, Nora. Tell you what, I'll do something to make it up to you. Would you like that?"
To his relief, Nora nodded. "Actually, I would."
"Okay. What do you want?"
"A sloth."
"Alright, a sl-" He paused. "...A sloth."
"A sloth."
"...Like, as a pet?"
"Sure, that'd be great."
Okay, then. "...Uh-huh. You, uh, have a reason behind that, or…?"
"I like sloths. Do I need more of a reason than that?"
"...I guess not, but it'd help to understand why you're giving me an impossible task."
"It's not impossible at all."
"Really?"
"Yeah, just go get one from the zoo."
And there's the kicker. "...Let me get this straight – you want me to break into the zoo."
"Yes."
"You want me to locate the sloth enclosure – which, by the way, is populated entirely by lazy, filthy animals riddled with fungi and parasites, and who are known for having very sharp claws and an intense dislike for being disturbed – and enter it without being detected."
"Uh-huh."
"And you want me to collect one of those disgusting animals, bring it back, and present it to you so you can...I don't know, do Nora things with it."
"That's correct, yes."
"Okay, just wanted to make sure we're on the same page here."
With that established, he looked over to Rin, silently begging her for help. Unfortunately, she didn't seem to notice his distress, instead merely nodding in understanding.
"I suppose nobody will mind if a single sloth is gone for an hour or two."
"Rin!"
"...Oh, was I supposed to disagree?"
"Yes!"
"...Well, you are cutting into Nora's 'Rin Time', which is her most favorite time. I can't exactly blame her for this."
Oh, fuck this. Of course the two best friends would stick together, leaving him out in the cold. Still, it didn't look like he had much of a choice – in this relationship, keeping Rin happy meant keeping Nora equally as happy. Kind of bullshit given that he was only in a relationship with one of them and the other was being the most obnoxious third wheel in the world, but whatever. The sex was good enough to keep up with the insanity for at least a little bit longer.
What was that? He was simping hard? Well, he disagreed – at least he actually got sex out of the deal, and on top of that, his girlfriend wasn't even camwhoring on the side. Technically that made him not a simp. In your face, anonymous internet commentators.
Sighing in defeat, Jaune nodded. "...Alright, I'll get you a sloth."
"Great!" Nora said. "You're the best, Jaune!"
With that, she ran off, humming a tune the whole time. Jaune watched her go, blinking in surprise.
...Was I just hustled by Nora?
It certainly felt that way. Geez, it was like playing video games with Ruby all over again, though at least when Ruby hustled him she did it with something cute and childish on the line like the box of Pumpkin Pete's under his bed or the sleeve of Vale Scout cookies he was saving for a special occasion or a pair of Pyrrha's underwear.
Yes, that last one was weird. Turns out that Ruby really – as in really – liked Pumpkin Pete's, as well as everything associated with it, which naturally included Pyrrha. Makes sense considering that she was already on a permanent sugar rush. Honestly, he probably should have been weirded out, but nothing could faze him after that time Nora had dared him to raid Professor Goodwitch's underwear drawer as one of her payments for depriving her of her Rin Time.
He had found a strap-on and some lube in there.
And then he had remembered that Professor Goodwitch was very much strictly heterosexual, having been known for once dating General Ironwood, with the two rumored to still be seeing each other covertly.
Luckily, Beacon had a very robust therapy department, otherwise the mental scars would have been debilitating.
Anyway, where was he? Ah, right – breaking into a zoo for Nora. Because apparently it was too much to ask for a regular relationship, so it had to have a bunch of strings attached. Rising from his seat, Jaune sighed heavily.
"Right, well, I guess I'd better go get this over with," he announced.
Rin nodded. "Okay. Try not to get caught."
Excellent words of encouragement from the borderline-emotionless girl. Sometimes he wondered why he even bothered staying in a relationship like this.
Her eyes narrowed mischievously. "And when you get back, I think I'll have to find some way to make up for the fact that I didn't talk Nora down."
And then he remembered why. Swallowing his apprehension, Jaune nodded. "R-right. I'll, uh, just go ahead, then."
Rin didn't say anything else, merely nodding in understanding as Jaune set off. This was clearly going to suck, but at least the promise of getting to have his girlfriend sit on his face later would make it worth it, right?
...Right?
Naturally, it hadn't been worth it.
"Ow!"
Rin paused, pulling the cotton pad away from him. "Stand still, please," she said.
"Easy for you to say – you're not the one having alcohol rubbed on yowch!"
He winced as she once again pressed the disinfectant into his wounds, which made her wince as well. "...I really am sorry about this," she said. "I shouldn't have let Nora go so far."
If she was expecting him to say it was fine, she wasn't going to hear it – that fucking sloth had spent the entire trip back to Beacon thrashing around and clawing at him. Thank the Gods he had aura, otherwise he would have been shredded like paper or those cat toys Blake kept under her mattress. As it was, he ended up with a litany of light scratches, but nothing super serious.
As a side note, it was funny how Blake thought nobody knew about that. Literally the only reason why they hadn't made fun of her for it was because the mental image of her actually playing with cat toys was way cuter than it had any right to be, and as all humans can confess, cute things tend to override all our other senses.
That being said, he had made a mental note to himself to subtly suggest to Nora that she ought to take her next payment in the form of him placing a hidden camera in the room to actually catch her in the act, because it seemed like it would be adorable.
As another side note, man, it sure was weird how his time at Beacon would end up going. Usually putting a hidden camera in a girl's dorm room meant you were going to get tazed or something, but here it just meant that he wanted a couple million hits on DustTube. Strange how things tended to go.
Jaune hissed as Rin pressed the cotton ball against yet another one of his cuts. "It probably goes without saying, but I really hate sloths now."
"Don't let Nora hear you say that," Rin warned. "Not only will you never hear the end of it, but she'd probably demand that I break up with you."
Oh, he had no doubts about that. If anything, this whole situation had actually reinforced her love of sloths, because of fucking course the stupid thing had ended up loving her the instant she went to pick it up.
On the bright side, it at least hated Weiss, if the fact that it kept freaking her out by rotating its head to an unnatural degree to stare at her was any indication. This made sense, as Weiss' family was responsible for an awful lot of deforestation in the name of creating more Dust mines.
Wow, so not only did Weiss indirectly oppress an entire race of people by using them as slave labor, she also oppressed wildlife by driving them to extinction as well. Truly the worst girl. She'd better hope that Smokey the Ursa was just a myth, otherwise he was going to fucking strangle her the next time she went into the Emerald Forest, and Jaune wasn't exactly in any mood to help after the last time she had rejected him.
Was it petty of him? Oh, absolutely… but on the other hand, she was a total bitch. Was it really so hard to just say 'No, I'm not interested in you, please stop asking'? She didn't need to be such a cunt about it. Ultimately, the joke was on her, though – literally the only person to show any interest in her after a few months had been some idiot fuccboi from Shade who nobody liked, and who was deathly afraid of water. Yeah, that'd go over great with a girl from a place where it was always snowing and raining. Definitely a match made in Heaven.
With one final dab, Rin tossed the used cotton ball away, then gently placed another bandage on Jaune's injury. He nodded in appreciation and went to go stand up, only for her to gently guide him back down to his seated position. He gazed at her, confused, only for realization to dawn when he saw the look in her eye.
"I believe I promised you that I would make things up to you," she stated.
"...You did," Jaune ventured.
She rolled her eyes. "You're awful at romantic talk, you know that?"
She wasn't so great herself, usually doing little more than stating the obvious or saying something in Mistralian that he had to ask for a translation for. But he wasn't about to say it.
"Now, sit back and let me do all the work," she offered.
Well, he definitely didn't need to be told twice.
So, as nice as the sex with Rin was – which was actually really nice, as he had always figured sex would be – it didn't quite make up for some of the other difficulties that the relationship posed. Sure, it wasn't anywhere near enough for him to actually break up with Rin, but these were things that were constantly at the back of his head whenever he thought about her, which was actually rather rude of his subconscious as it made nutting that much harder, but still.
And no, it wasn't just Nora.
"Say, Jaune," Yang said.
The blonde boy paused in the midst of eating his lunch. "Yes, Yang?"
"So, I have to ask..."
Here it comes.
"...Um, what exactly drew you and Rin together?"
"Yang!" Ruby chastised.
"What? It's a valid question. I mean, you have to admit that they're an odd couple."
And there it is.
Honestly, he probably should have expected this from other people given that he actually often thought the same thing. As much as he hated to admit it, Yang – and everyone else who asked for that matter – wasn't exactly out of line when they posed the question to him, since him and Rin truly did make for an odd couple.
That didn't mean he enjoyed having to answer the same question over and over, though. Seriously, Yang had just asked the same thing yesterday, and already he'd had to deal with Blake asking him earlier. Luckily he had gotten her to shut up by shining a laser pointer on the floor, but she was only ever going to fall for that so many times, unfortunately.
After a brief reminder to himself to post that footage on DustTube later, he shook his head before looking back at Yang.
"I'm pretty sure I already explained why, Yang."
"Well, excuse me if I didn't think it was a good reason."
At that, he rolled his eyes. "Do I really need another reason beyond thinking she's cute, and her thinking the same thing about me?"
"...Uh, yeah? Just going for looks makes you seem kind of shallow."
"Well, obviously there's also a deeper emotional connection there. The way she looked was just what got me interested initially."
"Okay, then go ahead and explain your 'deeper emotional connection'."
"...That's not something you can really quantify, you know."
"So it doesn't exist?"
Jaune furrowed his brow. "Why ask me this all the time?"
"I'm just trying to get a read on you," Yang said, shrugging. "Same as with everyone else here."
Jaune groaned. "Seriously, guys? Is the fact that Rin and I are dating really that weird to you all?"
"...Maybe a little?" Weiss ventured. "I mean, not to disparage Rin or anything, but you two don't really seem like you would click all that well. It's kind of strange, given that you're arguably closer to Ruby on an emotional level than her."
At that, he raised an eyebrow. "...Are you trying to say I should break up with Rin and date Ruby instead?"
"I'm right here, by the way," Rin interjected.
"No!" Weiss said, shaking her head. "I'm saying-"
"Look, much as I approve of the idea of you playing wingman for someone who's clearly too awkward to get a date-" Jaune began.
Ruby balked. "What?!"
"-I'm quite happy with Rin-"
"I'm not awkward! Yang, tell him!"
Yang just chuckled. "Uh, sorry sis, but-"
"Traitor!"
And with that, Ruby tackled her sister, the two quickly getting into one of their patented sibling fights. Blake filmed the whole thing, occasionally throwing a lien card onto them and making a comment about how someone ought to go find some mud. Jaune paid no attention to it; shenanigans like this were so commonplace that they had essentially lost all meaning to him. Instead, he continued focusing on Weiss.
"Like I was saying, I'm very happy with Rin."
"Good, because I wasn't trying to set you up with Ruby."
"Then why ask about my relationship so much?" He raised an eyebrow. "Weiss… are you jealous that I'm dating Rin?'
"Are you stupid or something? I honestly couldn't care less about your relationship."
"But you ask about it quite a bit. Suspicious, if you ask me."
"Because I'm just trying to figure out what makes you tick!"
"Yeah, cuz you're interested in me. Weiss, I'm sorry to say that it's not going to work – I have a girlfriend already."
"I don't want to date you, you idiot!"
Jaune waved her off. "Now, Weiss, this is no time to be tsundere."
"Soon-what?"
Jaune silently thanked his girlfriend for introducing him to the way of the weeb before turning over to Blake. "So, what's your story? Why are you so interested in my love life?"
Her only response was to shrug. "I'm a sucker for poorly-written romance."
Yeah, he could tell – that thing she had going on with Yang spoke volumes about that. Seriously, those two needed to stop teasing and just fuck already, because it was getting unbearable. He hadn't seen so much sexual tension between two people since his mother and father had placed bets on who could go longer without sex. And much like how that bet had ended with a bedroom needing to be remodeled, he was fully anticipating that Team RWBY's dorm was just going to fucking explode at some point. At least when it finally did, he could actually collect the money he had put down on whether or not it would happen.
Seriously, you'd have to be an idiot not to see that it was inevitable between those two, poorly put together as it was. It was almost as if the universe was conspiring to push the two of them together no matter how forced it got. Kind of like him and Rin, only not nearly as weird because there was some connection – namely, that Blake liked eating tuna, and there would definitely be plenty of that going on in that relationship, if you catch my drift.
With that question answered, Jaune looked back over to the only other two who had yet to respond. "What about you? Why keep asking me about my love life?"
Nora and Pyrrha exchanged a glance. "...Honestly, I just want to be sure that you're treating Rin alright," Nora replied.
"No worries there," Rin answered.
"Then I guess I just need to keep tabs on it so I can be sure when my bestie is available."
Yeah, he figured. Still, that was actually probably the least annoying answer so far, so props to Nora for not being completely terrible. Truly, she was too good for this sinful world, at least in this one very specific instance.
That left only one.
"What about you, Pyrrha?" Jaune asked.
At that, the champion just shrugged. "Oh, I kind of had a crush on you."
"...You did?"
"Yup. Huge crush."
"...For how long?"
"Oh, just since the start of the year. So no big deal."
He… honestly couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not. The tone of voice was there, but then again Pyrrha didn't have a mean bone in her body – he had actually once seen her accidentally run into a tree and then apologize to the tree for it, for example – so it was so hard to tell.
At least everyone else seemed to be having the same problem, as all other activity had suddenly ceased at the table, with everyone looking over to Pyrrha.
"You're, uh, really taking this whole situation rather well, in that case," Weiss ventured.
Again, Pyrrha shrugged. "I'm not a homewrecker, so I'm not going to try and break up what seems to be a good relationship."
"Then why throw it out there?"
"So that he at least knows about it and keeps his options open for the future."
"That's pretty devious of you," Yang commented form her spot on the floor, where she had Ruby in a headlock and had paused mid-noogie, all while the younger girl flailed in her grasp.
"I mean, I'm obviously still attracted to him. I just want him to know about it in case he wants someone to catch him on the rebound."
"Why are you just telling us this now?" Blake asked.
"Because apparently I can only talk openly about this kind of thing when nothing lasting will come of it. It's a horrible curse, one that I hope none of you ever have to deal with."
Looking over at Jaune, she again shrugged. "I just want my sloppy seconds, is that too much to ask?"
"Uh..." Jaune stammered, doing his best to make it look like he was just confused on the outside.
Because on the inside, he was screaming as loud as possible.
GODS DAMN IT YOU MEAN I COULD HAVE BEEN SMASHING SEXY REDHEAD PUSSY FROM THE START OF THE FUCKING YEAR ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Meanwhile, Rin took that moment to clear her throat, snapping him out of his thoughts.
"Well, um… if it doesn't work out between us, I guess we'll let you know?" the Mistralian ventured.
Pyrrha nodded. "Yes, that would be nice. Thank you, Rin."
"Um… don't mention it?"
Damn it, nothing about this situation was fine. How come Pyrrha had some complex about not being able to spit it out unless it was the most inopportune moment imaginable? Honestly, she was lucky he had actually gotten a girlfriend, because the only way this awkward confession could have gone any worse was if she just died to some edgelord immediately after telling him.
He wasn't sure why his mind went there considering it was stupid and needlessly tragic, but this situation was already pretty abnormal, so it was probably best if he just didn't question it.
"Okay, then," Jaune said, rising from his seat. "Well, if none of you mind, I have to go do some homework."
"Do you need some help?" Rin asked.
"Thanks, but I think I've got this."
Obviously, he wasn't going to do homework, he was going to sit in the shower and cry over missing his chance to give Pyrrha the ol' in-out-in-out, possibly while masturbating.
Hey, he may have had a girlfriend who he loved, but it was Pyrrha. Have you seen that girl? Even her abs had abs. He wasn't generally one to dwell on missed opportunities, but come on, dude.
"Okay," Rin said, nodding. "Until then, just remember: As Ancient Mistralians once said-"
And then she followed it up with more Mistralian gibberish. Jaune frowned. "Um, what's that mean?"
"It means 'Man who fishes in another woman's well often catches crab'."
Okay, fuck the masturbating part, then – she obviously knew what was about to happen. It made him feel guilty, but only a little bit because again, it was Pyrrha. None of you know how it is because you don't know the glory that is accidentally catching a glimpse down her chest piece. It's a lot like having your girlfriend get mad at you because you didn't look away during the sex scene in a James Pond movie – sure, she's pissed at you, but at the end of the day, you're the real winner there.
Of course, that only applies to the good Pond girls, so just ignore Bibi Dahl. Probably generous of me to consider her a Pond girl given that he didn't even sleep with her, but I'm doing it just for the purposes of this joke, fuck that character. Also fuck Camille Montes, that entire movie was absolute ass and she didn't help by being in it. Seriously, how do you go from a character that's as good as Vesper was to one that's as shit as Camille was? The writers must have been chugging motor oil on that one or something.
There are probably other shitty Pond girls out there but I'm just gonna stop now.
"Uh, right," Jaune said. "Anyway, I'll catch you all later."
"Bye, Jaune," Yang said, continuing to give her sister a noogie and chuckling the whole time. "And try not to catch any crabs!"
Great, that was one more thing they were going to hold over his head.
Thanks, Rin. What would I do without you?
A few days had passed, meaning it was now the weekend. And as much as Jaune had wanted to spend it cooped up inside and just relaxing, there was something important he had to do. You see, this weekend was Rin's birthday, and while all of them had come together to plan a big party for her in celebration, he wanted to do a little one-on-one activity with her.
That was easier said than done since she didn't really talk about herself all that much, so he didn't know much about her. But still, he had made an educated guess, and he was fairly certain that he had chosen wisely. After all, there were just some things that all girls liked to do, making what he had ultimately gone for a very safe option.
Of course, he wanted it to remain a secret – Rin had basically lived her whole life as an emotionless girl, and he really wanted to see the look on her face when she realized the surprise he had gotten for her. It had cost quite a pretty penny, but at the end of the day, he was sure it would all be worth it just to see her smile.
Getting there, of course, was the first problem, though thankfully it had easily been solved with the application of dodging Rin's questions while simultaneously requesting that she wear a blindfold and let him lead her there by hand. Luckily she had played along, and hadn't accused him of trying to lead her somewhere shady to take advantage of her.
He wasn't sure why his mind went there considering that if he really wanted to have sex with her then all he had to do was ask, but then again maybe it had something to do with the act of blindfolding a girl and leading her around by hand like she was some kind of little lost puppy being inherently creepy. The people of Vale certainly thought so, given how many times he had been stopped by the police and had needed to have Rin bail him out before he got tazed or something.
Luckily, a few awkward conversations with the cops were the worst part, and soon the two of them were outside the city limits.
"Well, here we are," Jaune announced. "You can take the blindfold off."
Rin did as she was told, removing the blindfold and squinting when the sun finally hit her eyes. "...Okay, not that I don't appreciate the gesture, but was the blindfold really necessary?"
"Of course it was! I didn't want to ruin the surprise, Rin."
The Mistralian sighed tiredly. "...Okay, sure. What's the surprise, anyway?"
"I'm so glad you asked! Follow me."
Jaune gently took her hand and started to guide her down the dirt trail they had found themselves on.
"...You know, this is a really odd place for a surprise," Rin surmised. "We're, what, a few miles outside of the city? What if we run into Grimm?"
That was absurd – Huntsmen patrolled the city, so there weren't any Grimm nearby. Nah, the thing to really be afraid of was the White Fang – they kind of had a presence outside the city since the world beyond the walls was pretty lawless, but he wasn't about to tell that to Rin; the last thing he needed was for her to go from worrying about Grimm to worrying about being stuffed into a fursuit, or whatever it was the White Fang did to their victims.
Okay, that was stupid – obviously he knew what the White Fang did to their victims. He didn't secretly refer to them as 'The Liveleak Boys' for nothing, after all. 'Secretly' because, as true as it was, he didn't need to have Blake catch him actually referring to them as The Liveleak Boys – that was an argument he didn't feel like starting, now or ever.
How come she still felt the need to white knight the White Fang despite leaving them and also admitting that they had issues? Honestly, who cares? At this point, expecting Blake to be consistent is like expecting the newest James Pond movie to be good – if you do, you deserve the shit coming your way.
Seriously, No Time To Die looks like it's gonna be garbage. Way to waste Rami Malek as a villain, assholes. And here I was, looking forward to seeing the guy who played Snafu and Freddie Mercury star in something else. Talk about a real Monkey's Paw.
Where was this train of thought going? Who cares – at this point, he was just trying to distract himself from dwelling on the fact that Pyrrha wanted to jump his bones and ride him like he was a rodeo bull. Was that a bad thing to think about when his girlfriend was right there, and it was also her birthday? Probably, but it was Pyrrha. You'd do the same, not just with Pyrrha but with pretty much all of the female characters in this show, and don't even try and deny it, you fucking liar. I have a pretty good idea what your browser history looks like if you're reading this, and let me tell you, those Mallobaude and Imyoshi smutfics aren't just being bookmarked by you out of curiosity, you degenerate-with-impeccable-taste.
Man, what's going on in my head? Jaune thought to himself. That does it: really no more Pumpkin Pete's before bed. I mean it this time.
Finally, they reached the fork in the road… uh, the literal fork in the road, not the fork in the road that was forcing him to choose between Rin and Pyrrha. Yes, he was still hung up on this, how could he not be? You try choosing between two women, one of them really cute and the other super hot, see how it makes you feel!
Anyway, pushing that thought from his mind (and mostly failing), Jaune led his girlfriend down the proper path. They turned the corner, and he stepped in front of her, arms outstretched.
"Surprise!" he happily shouted.
Immediately, Rin's eyes went wide, her jaw dropping. Jaune couldn't hold back his wide smirk – that was just the reaction he had wanted! Man, that made this whole thing worth it – this was gonna be great.
"Heh, wow," he said, rubbing the back of his head. "You must be really excited to go horseback riding, Rin."
From the look on her face, she really was – her jaw was pretty much on the floor, and he could see tears of what had to be happiness forming in her eyes. It made his heart melt just looking at her. Sure, the trek had been long, and sure, reserving some horses had cost him pretty much all of his lien, but it would be worth it just to see Rin smile.
His girlfriend suddenly swallowed loudly and audibly, taking a step back. Jaune's smile wavered.
"Uh, babe? Something wrong?"
"H-horses..." she muttered.
Okay, that wasn't what he had expected – she sounded almost afraid. "Rin? You okay?"
"H-h-horses…!"
Yup, definitely something wrong. "...Do you not like it? Sorry if you don't; I didn't think-"
He never got to finish, as Rin chose that moment to take off like a bullet, charging back the way she came, screaming in fear the whole time. Jaune sighed heavily before taking off after her.
Good Gods, even when I'm trying to do something nice, I fuck it up. Can this get any worse?
Turns out, it could – apparently, Rin had a deep-seated fear of horses due to an undisclosed incident in her childhood, one which she refused to talk about but which had left her so traumatized that she had spent the rest of her birthday cowering under her sheets like a small child who had seen a scary movie.
And that was really a sign that the universe had it out for him. Seriously, a fear of horses? Fucking really? Why couldn't it have been something normal, like clowns, or spiders, or Weiss on her period? But no, fucking horses. What, did a horse kill her family or something? Unbelievable.
Anyway, besides being exasperated at the absurdity of the situation, Jaune felt bad for a variety of reasons – the two biggest were obviously that he had seriously scared his girlfriend and that he had inadvertently ruined her birthday, while a smaller one was that he didn't get his deposit back from the horseback riding place.
Cheap bastards. And I was going to recommend them to Mom and Dad for June's birthday, too…
Oh, and there was also another small problem.
"Hey Jaaaaune~" Nora whispered into his ear.
Emphasis on the 'small', but only in relation to Nora practically being a midget, because this was actually a huge fucking problem.
Seriously, how come the guys on Remnant were so tall but the girls were so short? What was up with that? It was like reverse evolution. Give it enough time and the girls would start literally fitting into the palm of your hand.
Anyway, Jaune immediately froze in the middle of his homework, feeling a chill go down his spine. "Y-yes, Nora?"
He didn't dare turn around – he knew that there was a demon there, waiting for him. Obviously, he was going to be punished by Nora for nearly making Rin piss her pants, but he didn't dare try to imagine what fresh hell Nora had planned for him, both because he didn't want to inflict that kind of torture on himself and because it would no doubt pale in comparison to the real thing.
Also, he had a pretty good idea of how she would punish him, and it involved judicious application of her hammer to his shins.
As if on cue, Nora slammed her hammer down on the table right next to him, splintering it with nary any effort. Jaune swallowed nervously as she leaned in even closer to whisper into his ear.
"You'd better start running, Jauney. You know, enjoy those legs while you still have them."
Obviously, she was only telling him that because she enjoyed the thrill of the chase. He wasn't about to call her on it, though; sure, his chances of actually managing to escape unharmed were somewhere between minuscule and the odds that Ruby didn't secretly fuck her weapon when nobody else was in the dorm room (which is to say non-existent), but he at least had to try, both because Mama Arc didn't raise no quitter and because, inevitable as the ending to this was, he refused to at least go down without a fight.
Now, going down like a little bitch, on the other hand…
Yes, he screamed like a little girl as he took off from his spot in the library. Yes, people saw. No, he didn't regret it, mainly because he didn't have time to regret it before the little pint-sized psycho ended up hot on his heels.
Hopefully, Goodwitch understood his predicament here; if she didn't, then he was probably going to catch heat from her about the collateral damage as well.
And it was at that very moment that Jaune Arc came to a realization.
Is all this really worth it? I mean, I like Rin, but do I really like Rin? I could probably save both of us a lot of trouble if I just broke up with her…
That was definitely food for thought. Too bad he didn't get much chance to dwell on it before Nora finally caught him and snapped both his legs like they were crispy breadsticks. Luckily, he didn't feel the pain; the sound of his legs being pulverized was enough to make him almost instantly black out. As the light faded, he had just one thought.
Yeah, fuck this.
Blearily, Jaune opened his eyes, blinking when he saw the fluorescent lights. Sitting up, the blonde groggily rubbed at his eyes. It took him a moment to realize where he was – Beacon's hospital wing, an area he had become intimately familiar with after one of his last attempts at flirting with Weiss had ended with him nearly getting impaled by an Arma Gigas.
You'd think finally helping Weiss learn to summon would have helped get him in her good graces, but nah, she was still a frosty bitch. But that was fine – he was pretty sure she had a daddy fetish anyway, and in addition to not wanting to fuck with that, he had a girlfriend already.
But not for long.
Yeah, it had taken him all of a few seconds of being awake to recall the inner conversation he'd had with himself before Nora had caught up with him, as well as his ultimate decision.
Man, this is gonna suck.
Admittedly, he didn't know exactly how Rin was going to react to him breaking it off, but he had seen enough shitty romance movies to know how it would likely go, and that was enough. Add in the fact that he was currently immobilized in a hospital bed with two broken legs, and he didn't have high hopes for how this was going to go.
On second thought, maybe I ought to wait until after I'm out of the hospital bed.
Of course, that thought was banished as quickly as it came – if he was going to have another crazy woman kill him, maybe it was better that he was already in the hospital, so all he had to do was call for a doctor.
His musings were interrupted by the door to his hospital room opening. Surprising nobody, it was Rin, though for some reason she was carrying a paper bag with her. She froze upon seeing her, only for her expression to soften.
"You're awake," she said, approaching his bed.
"Yeah," Jaune replied. He sat up, grunting as he did so. "How long was I out?"
"About a day."
"Ah. How bad was the damage?"
"If Goodwitch was still capable of crying, I imagine she would have."
"Geez… okay, how much are Nora and I on the hook for it?"
"That's still up in the air. Goodwitch wanted to give you and Nora detention for life… as in, it would continue after you graduated. Don't ask me how that's supposed to work. Luckily for you two, Ozpin vetoed that in favor of something that's probably going to end up being a bit more lenient."
"But we don't know for sure."
"Like I said, it's still up in the air." She shrugged. "Anyway, how do you feel?"
"Like I got run over by a steam roller."
"That's not far off. Oh, by the way, Nora says you're even now."
Yeah, like that was supposed to be some sort of comfort to him. Honestly, he was just about done with Nora – the girl basically operated on an entirely different morality system than regular humans, where it was perfectly acceptable to shatter someone's legs because they made her best friend cry or they happened to enjoy waffles more than pancakes.
No, he hadn't forgotten the Waffle Incident, nor would Beacon's cooks. In retrospect, Rin probably should have warned them about what would happen when they phased out pancakes in favor of waffles, but it was far too late by that point.
Ignoring the fact that it was a small miracle that Nora was even still allowed to attend Beacon given the damage she had caused, Jaune focused on what needed to be done.
Alright, Jaune. Just do it. Say you're breaking up with her. Make sure to tell her that it's not her… it's Nora. I'm sure she'll understand.
Jaune took a deep breath, steeling himself to do what had to be done. This was for the greater good – clearly, Rin and Nora were meant to be inseparable, and he was just the unnecessary third wheel. It would save the both of them a lot of pain if he just got it over with. That didn't make it much easier, but it at least made it impossible to back out.
He opened his mouth to say it, and-
"Hey, Jaune?"
Instantly deflated, instead looking over at his hopefully-soon-to-be-ex girlfriend. "Yes, Rin?"
She bit her lip. "I… have something I want to discuss."
"Okay, lay it on me."
"I think we should break up."
Okay, not what he had been expecting. He stared at her in disbelief. "...What?"
"I think we should break up," she repeated. Flushing red, she looked away. "S-sorry, I-"
"N-no!" Jaune said, shaking his head. "No, I actually agree."
"...You do?"
"Yeah."
"...Why? Am I suddenly not good enough for you?"
Oh great, they were doing this. And here he was, hoping that Rin would prove to be at least somewhat reasonable, especially if she was the one trying to break up first.
"Look, can we not?" Jaune begged. "We both agree that this relationship should end. Can we please just explain why and end it on good terms?"
Rin's mouth tightened into a line, but she nodded. "...Fine. Let me guess: you're ending it because of Nora?"
"That easy, huh?"
"Yes, since it's the same reason why I'm ending things." The Mistralian sighed tiredly. "I love Nora like a sister, but she doesn't make things easy."
"No, she certainly doesn't," Jaune acknowledged.
Rin shook her head. "I honestly don't know what I was thinking, getting into a relationship here. Nora is… well, she's immature. Obviously she would feel like I'm not giving her enough attention. Maybe in time she'll get to the point where she isn't as reliant on me, but unfortunately, that isn't now." Again, she sighed. "So, I'm sorry, but I'm breaking up with you."
Well, that was actually surprising, considering how she had almost gone off on him for him being the one to try and break things off. Man, that fucking figured – leave it to the woman to be unhappy unless it was her specifically that was ending things.
He was suddenly glad that he was officially single once more, because that seemed like one of those thoughts that his girlfriend would somehow just know that he had been thinking, and would then make him sorry for by forcing him to sleep in the doghouse.
That being said, a part of him was a little sad that things had to end like this, because aside from Nora causing problems, the relationship had been pretty stable. Sure, Rin liked Atlas a bit too much, and often talked mad shit on Mantle when nobody else was around. Sure, she often masturbated to General Ironwood when she thought everyone else was asleep at night. And sure, sometimes she muttered gibberish in her sleep that made no sense but seemed like it was a carryover from the Great War or something, such as 'Go home GI, this is not your war' or 'Screw you GI, I will kill you GI', or random gibberish Mistralian that nobody but her understood. But you know what? She was a nice girl, she deserved better than this.
Back in the real world, Jaune nodded. "Okay. I'm sorry that things didn't work out between us, Rin."
"As am I. I thought we had something good going on, but it wasn't meant to be." A thin smile crossed her face. "I… guess Pyrrha will be a happy woman, then."
That seemed like she was trying to insinuate something, but he wasn't dumb enough to walk into that trap – he knew the rules, and the rules stated that there was a waiting period between breaking things off and picking up a new girl, and that not obeying said rule made you a grade-A douchebag. So, much as it would hurt to have to go back to his hand, he would make do.
Rin stood up, brushing herself off. "Well, I must be going. But before I do..."
She reached into the paper bag, pulling out a plastic thermos and passing it to him. "This is for you. It's a little something to help your legs."
Oh, now wasn't this just fucking great? He knew exactly what this was – one of her nasty-ass 'health drinks' that had the taste, color, and consistency of sewage. Apparently, she had expected this breakup to be a lot messier than it had ended up being, because otherwise she wouldn't have brought this container of poison with her.
Jokes aside, he realized what this was – Rin was trying to help, even if her help was unwanted and unneeded. Still, she was looking at him expectantly, clearly intending to stay until he drank it.
Gods damn it, I should have broken up with her ages ago.
"Uh, thanks, Rin," Jaune finally managed to get out. He forced a smile to cross his face. "I think I'll drink it now!"
Uncapping the thermos, he brought it to his lips, praying that it wouldn't kill him.
It was… it was awful. It tasted like he was drinking a wet sock filled with cat turds, and it somehow burned at the same time, like he had just slammed a shot of cinnamon whiskey. He felt like he had just consumed hepatitis.
And just like that, he could feel himself fading once more, black spots dancing on the edge of his vision. Rin said something, but he didn't hear it; it was probably just some more bullshit about the Ancient Mistralians, anyway. She smiled fondly at him before finally leaving. Jaune had just enough time to thank his lucky stars that she had never used him as a guinea pig for her concoctions before he finally passed out.
Thank God that bullshit's over with, at least, he thought, just before unconsciousness claimed him.
Laid-back chapter for a laid-back character. It's funny how, for a chapter focused on Ren, there was so much Nora… well, not really – it was always going to end like this, I imagine. There just isn't a whole lot to make fun of with Ren. I hit him on the whole thing with the Nuckelavee and his weird Atlas obsession in V7, but beyond that, this was always going to come down to most of the humor coming from the fact that these two just aren't cut out to be in a relationship together.
Anyway, this one was pretty smooth, all things considered. Not too out-there in terms of craziness, pretty reserved all-around, and ends with a sort-of bad ending, sort-of good ending. I enjoyed my time spent with Rin, but that's about all she wrote. This was never going to be something I enjoyed as much as, say, Adam, Cinder, or Salem, because apparently I feel like I only do my best work when I'm writing villains. Don't ask – I don't get it, either.
So, beyond that, I guess I'll tell you a little bit about the next chapter, which I am actually very excited for. I mentioned earlier that I'd be doing two R63 chapters in a row at some point, and by 'some point', I mean now… er, in two weeks. Basically, brace yourself for another genderswap character in chapter 16, and this time it's one I'm really excited for. Forget laid-back – I'm going balls to the wall with this next one. It's gonna be a good time.
Next update: Saturday, June 27.