Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 16: Joan (Jaune R63), or: Now Neither Of Us Will Be Virgins
Jaune was used to losing. It seemed that, no matter what, the universe always saw fit to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory for him. He's about to beat Yang at a fighting game? The game crashes just before he can land the final blow. He studies hard for a test? It ends up being one of those joke exams that teachers give to keep students on their toes and that isn't actually worth any points. He's winning in Combat Class? He trips over his own shoelaces or something and lands right in the path of his opponent's weapon.
The point is, Jaune had basically gone his entire life without achieving any real victory. It felt like fate itself was conspiring against him at times, such was his losing streak. But, rather than get discouraged, he never lost hope – he knew, deep down, that all the accumulated losses would eventually turn around, and with the amount of suffering he had endured, he knew they would turn around in a big way.
And, you know what? He was absolutely right – it had taken a while, but eventually his misfortune had reversed.
Now, before we go any further, an explanation is in order.
To put it simply, it had all started when Jaune had been alone in his room, relaxing by himself. Classes that day had proven to be a bitch as always, and he had been looking forward to some time to just unwind. Thankfully, he had gotten some – Ren and Nora had gone out to do something together, and Pyrrha was at the gym, leaving him plenty of time to himself. Generally, he would have spent this time jerking off, since this was basically the only time he had to himself these days… but he honestly didn't feel like it today, so instead he was just jamming on some music.
Thank the Gods nobody else was here; the last thing he wanted was for them to walk in and catch him air guitaring to music that only he could hear. That was kind of funny to think about given that he actually owned a real guitar and he would probably actually be way better off, you know, practicing than pretending to practice, but whatever. Practicing was for losers, anyway. Real chads don't have a problem accidentally playing a whole tone scale over a bluesy I-IV-V progression in front of a crowd of people.
Ask me how I know.
Anyway, the point was, he was having a good time, listening to Casey Lee Williams and acting like he was up on stage, slamming on a guitar in front of thousands of swooning women.
Needless to say, he was utterly unprepared for the room to just fucking explode.
With a shout, Jaune collapsed, his headphones slipping from his ears. Picking himself up, he waved the smoke away, trying to see exactly what had exploded (his best bet was on Nora's collection of grenades that she had made him promise not to tell anyone about).
As it turned out, it wasn't Nora's grenades, or a gas leak, or Pyrrha's expensive Gravity Dust-powered vibrator that she didn't think they all knew about but that they all actually totally knew about, because she wasn't nearly as subtle at night as she thought she was. No, it was… a girl?
And a girl who looked an awful lot like him, at that.
She was… actually pretty cute, he had to admit. Kind of tall for a girl – just over six feet – but that just enhanced her beauty. She had flowing blonde hair that cascaded down to the middle of her back, done up in a braid. She was wearing clothes that were very similar to his – sneakers and blue jeans with a few pieces of armor protecting her upper body, all over what looked suspiciously like his supposedly one-of-a-kind Pumpkin Pete's hoodie. Even stranger than that, she was carrying a sword that looked oddly like Crocea Mors, and unlike his hoodie, he knew for a fact that there was only supposed to be one Crocea Mors in all of Remnant.
Blinking, Jaune stared down at her in confusion. She coughed once, then opened her eyes with a groan.
"Seems like that Dust mixture didn't work out so well, Nora..." she said with a wince. "Maybe a little less Gravity Dust next-"
Their gazes met, and both of them froze, their eyes widening.
"Uh..." Jaune began. "...Where'd you come from?"
The girl seemed uncertain how to answer. "...That's what I should ask. Why are you in my room?"
"Your room? This is my room!"
"Uh, no it isn't – this is Team JNPR's dorm. Look, I can see Ren, Pyrrha, and Nora's stuff over there."
"Yeah, because this is their room!"
"Great, you agree. So, uh, get out."
"Wha- no! This is Team JNPR's dorm, as in my dorm!"
"What? Stop being stupid, you're not Joan Arc."
"No, I'm Jaune Arc! And what do you mean, you're Joan Arc?"
"Exactly what it sounds like – that's my name. And who are you, anyway? There's no Jaune Arc – you're definitely not one of my seven brothers."
"What the hell are you talking about? I'm the only male Arc child!"
Instantly, the girl – Joan – froze, her eyes widening. "No way..."
"What?" Jaune asked. "What's going on?"
She bit her lip. "...I think… I think one of us is a little far from home," she began. "I'm… pretty sure this is an alternate dimension for one of us, given that nothing is as either of us think it is. I think Nora mixing together a bunch of Dust with some of that 'Chemical X' stuff might have done more than just make a big boom..."
"What, you mean to tell me that the multiverse is actually a real thing, and that we're two alternates of the same person who somehow collided with each other?"
"Yes."
"...Alright, makes sense. But that just leaves one question: which of us is the original?'
Immediately, the air filled with tension. Both of them stared at each other, eyes narrowing. It was clear that this was going to be an argument for the ages – one that determined who the original Arc actually was, and who was the mere copy.
It was petty, sure, but both of them had read enough comics to know that this was the only way this could possibly go.
"Listen," Jaune began, "we don't take kindly to copycats around these parts. Beat it, weirdo!"
"Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you split?" Jeane retorted.
"Unfortunately, it looks like I already did. And I must say, you're a very poor copy."
"Oh, I'm the poor copy? Those jeans look like garbage on you! I definitely wear them better."
"Oh, yeah? Well, I wore them first!"
"Then you must have been the one who stained them, then!"
"Whoever claimed it, stained it."
"And what is that hair, anyway? You look like a scruffy NEET who still has his mom cut his hair!"
"There's nothing wrong with Mom's haircuts! And besides, at least I'm not shallow enough to judge people based on their appearance… even if your hair looks like a ghetto imitation of Yang's glued to the head of a six-year-old boy!"
That earned a gasp. "How dare you!"
"Yeah, that's right – I went there!"
"For that, I'll destroy you! This world isn't big enough for two Arc Hunters-in-training!"
"You, a Hunter? Please. You look more like Grimm bait than a Grimm hunter."
That earned a wince from one of them and smirk from the other.
"Yeah, that's right – I'm clearly superior to your infidel mind, so why don't you just admit defeat?"
"An Arc man never quits!"
"Unfortunately – maybe if they did, Papa would never have had you!"
"But then he wouldn't have had you, either! Checkmate!"
"Oh, so you admit that you're checking me out, and you wanna mate?"
Jaune's gaze fell to her chest. "Didn't know that the milk truck was in town! You authorized to make deliveries?"
"Nah, just to take them, and mainly in the rear! But then again, I guess that would make two of us!"
"Oh, I've got a delivery for you, alright!"
Joan's eyes traveled downwards. "Damn, looks like an express delivery at that! Well, better put your money where your mouth is and drop 'em!"
Jaune laughed. "Oh, as if I'd fall for that old trick. Nah, you show what you've got first."
"I'll do you one better – I'll go all in! I see you what I'm packing under the shirt, and I raise you what I've got under my pants!"
"Okay, on the count of three, we show what's under the jeans at the same time, wiener take all!"
"Sounds good. One, two, three!"
And then they both dropped trau, revealing what they were each carrying to each other. It was… honestly, exactly what you'd expect to see from a boy and a girl, respectively. The two of them stared at each other, eyes widening in surprise at what they had just done.
It lasted for only a few seconds before they were in each other's arms, furiously making out. Then, before either of them knew it, they had moved over to the bed. What followed was unfortunately too hot for FFN, but you get the idea.
Unfortunately, it was soon interrupted by the door swinging open, revealing not just the rest of Jaune's team, but all of Team RWBY as well.
Everyone stared at the two of them with morbid curiosity, as if they couldn't believe what they were seeing and also didn't want to look away. Both of them blushed, pulling the covers up to cover their naked bodies a bit more.
"...Uh, this isn't what it looks like?" Jaune ventured.
Blake fainted, her nose gushing blood.
"Okay, so," Weiss began, "take it from the top."
Jaune exchanged a glance with Joan, the two of them now dressed up in their matching outfits – blue jeans, an undershirt, and their one-of-a-kind (now two-of-a-kind) official Pumpkin Pete's hoodie. He sighed.
This was going to take some explaining. More importantly, it was going to take a measured response if he didn't want to freak everyone out.
"Right, so..." he began, looking at Weiss. "...Remember that time I asked you out, and you told me to go fuck myself?"
Unfortunately, Jaune wasn't exactly the most adept at thinking on his feet in situations this awkward.
"I didn't mean it literally, you idiot!" Weiss shouted. "Do you have any idea what you've just done?!"
"...Fucked myself? I mean, I kind of already said it-"
"No, you dunce! You could have created a quantum event, one that could have destroyed the multiverse as we know it!"
Okay, things had been weird ever since Joan had shown up, but they had never been this weird. Again, the two blondes exchanged a glance.
"...In Valean, please?" Joan asked.
Weiss pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. "Okay, I'll spell it out – there is only supposed to be one Jaune Arc in any given multiverse. Anything more threatens to unravel the very fabric of reality as we know it."
"Why is that?"
"Shut up and listen!" Weiss snapped.
Clearly, this was Weiss' inherent womanlet rage acting up again. Made sense, considering she was barely even Ruby's height in heels. Talk about a Napoleon complex.
Who the fuck is Napoleon and why does he have a complex? Jaune thought to himself.
Ruby leaned in to whisper to Ren. "Weiss tried looking for research about events like this but couldn't find anything that wasn't from a comic book."
"Ah," Ren declared. "So, we know this is ridiculous, then?"
"Oh, yeah. But let's not let that stop her."
Weiss may have liked to think she was above it all, but they all knew the truth. Frankly, the only reason they were letting her carry on was because it amused them, and also because they had to throw her a bone since she had yet to actually win a fight against someone. Truly, being Weiss is nothing but suffering.
"Anyway," Weiss said, glaring at her team leader, "What if Joan had gotten pregnant?"
"We used protection," Jaune said.
"Did you? Did you really?"
"...I mean, pulling out is better than nothing, so..."
"Wait, time out," Yang interjected. "Did you seriously have unprotected sex with an alternate version of you?"
"Yes," Jaune said. "Why?"
"That's weird, dude. Why are you so casual about this?"
"Because it's just masturbation."
"Wha- no, it's not!" Weiss shouted.
"Yes, it is," Joan replied. "Masturbation is stimulating yourself to orgasm. Jaune is me, and I am him. We stimulated each other to orgasm. Therefore, we masturbated."
"That doesn't even make any sense! Masturbation is done by yourself!"
"Yeah, and we're both different versions of Jaune. Therefore, we did it by ourselves."
"No, you didn't! You're both different people!"
"But we're both Jaune."
"Hang on, how did you decide who the original was?" Nora asked.
"Joan wanted to be on the bottom, so she decided to take the role as my alternate, as is befitting her position on the bottom," Jaune said.
"What the fuck?" Yang asked.
Blake, meanwhile, was breathing heavily as she held a pad of paper in her shaking hands, her nose dripping blood onto it. "What… what was it like…?"
"...Like sex? I don't know. How is it supposed to feel?"
"H-hot..." She tugged at her collar. "...Excuse me, I need to go take a cold shower."
With that, she retreated back into her room, leaving the eight of them there without her. Joan sighed.
"So, does anyone else have a problem with this?" she asked. "Because Jaune and I obviously don't."
"No, shut up!" Weiss interjected. "I am going to finish my speech about the multiverse!" She cleared her throat. "So, anyway, if you're both Jaune, then if Joan got pregnant, the baby would have only had one set of genes, right?"
"I'm reasonably certain that that's not how genetics work," Ren interjected.
Weiss ignored him in favor of continuing. "So, best case, we get a seriously messed-up baby. Worst case, we get another Jaune, and because there's already one here, the multiverse implodes."
Everyone exchanged a glance. "...Kind of a huge leap in logic, Weiss," Yang said incredulously.
"What? No, it's not. Back me up, Pyrrha."
Pyrrha, unfortunately, wasn't paying attention. She was too busy staring at Joan and muttering, over and over, "I'm not bisexual… I'm not bisexual… I'm not bisexual..."
Seeing that, Weiss threw up her hands in surrender. "You know what? Fine. Go ahead and bang as much as you want. In fact, why don't you just start pumping out kids? I'm sure everything will be just fine in the end. Just ignore what I have to say."
"Way ahead of you," Joan deadpanned. Weiss growled, then turned and stormed out. Seeing she was gone, Joan turned back to everyone else. "So, like I was saying, does anyone else have a problem with this?"
Everyone raised their hand. Jaune sighed.
This was going to be a long night.
Okay, on a certain level, it was probably wrong to be attracted to the girl version of yourself… but come on, she was literally everything he had ever wanted in a girl – she was really cute, she had the same personality and sense of humor as him, they shared all the same interests… it would have been a match made in Heaven if it weren't for the fact that they were technically the same person and she was from an alternate universe.
Not that that stopped them from continuing after the first day, of course – just that they recognized that this could never be anything more than a brief fling, however nice the arrangement was. It was honestly amazing, how it had worked out – Jaune had been super awkward around her the next day before she had approached him and shyly said that she was horny again, and asked if he wanted in.
Needless to say, he was in. And then he was out. And then he was back in again. Over and over, for the next half-hour or so. It was wrong, but it was so right.
Forbidden fruit, and all that. The only thing more forbidden than that would be fucking a Grimm-person, but what kind of idiot would be dumb enough to do that and not expect there to be consequences afterwards? That'd be like being involved in a secret war that was going on for untold millennia, yet still only having a plan that consists of 'Gather everyone together, stay calm, and wait for this whole thing to blow over'. Talk about being fucking stupid.
And so it had gone, until about a week after she had arrived. And now, things couldn't be more awkward between them and the others. Nobody was even making eye contact with either of them. At breakfast, they had all avoided talking to either of them. Frankly, it was getting annoying, and he was going to put a stop to it right now.
"Alright, that's enough," Jaune announced, causing them all to look over to him. "I'm sick of being treated like a pariah for this."
"I mean, you had sex with yourself," Yang pointed out. "That's basically incest."
"No, it's masturbation."
"You've tried arguing this before, and you've gotten nowhere with it."
"We're not related, so it's not incest."
"But you're two different people, so it's not masturbation."
"Actually, you're both wrong," Blake interjected. She held up a book. "According to my smut, this is called selfcest."
Jaune blinked. "...And what does that mean?"
"It's technically neither – it's a gray area."
"That's such a cop-out," Yang said, rolling her eyes.
"Okay, answer me this," Jaune challenged. "If an alternate version of you was here, would you fuck him?"
"Of course not!"
"Really? Think about what you would look like as a man, Yang – flowing blonde hair, stubble, a chiseled jawline, abs of steel, biceps for days..."
Yang's eyes widened. She bit her lip, causing Jaune to smirk. He had her.
"...Okay, you may have a point..." she admitted. "Yeah, I guess that would be pretty hot, then."
"Aha!" Joan shouted. "See?"
"That goes for all of you," Jaune said. "Obviously Blake would given the chance-"
"You're damn right," Blake interrupted with a nod. "Selfcest is a top-tier fetish. Also, I'd be hot as hell."
"You didn't even know what it was called until a minute ago!" Weiss protested.
"Still top-tier. Not my fault you have pleb tastes."
"Anyway," Jaune said, cutting them off. "Ruby, you absolutely would."
Ruby shook her head. "Nuh uh! That's gross!"
"Really? Think about it. He would love Crescent Rose as much as you. In fact, he would have another version of Crescent Rose. You could compare polearms. Maybe he'd even share his cookies and strawberries with you."
Ruby's eyes went wide. Her face flushed, and she looked down. "...C-cheap shot..."
"Ruby!" Weiss shouted in disbelief.
Jaune didn't stop there. He turned to Pyrrha. "You absolutely would, too."
Pyrrha blinked. She cast a glance over at Joan, then at Jaune, before shaking her head. "...Somehow, I don't think I'd be my type."
"No need to be modest. Anyone would be lucky to sleep with you, even you."
The redhead suddenly went as crimson as a tomato, slinking down into her chair. "...T-thank you..." she managed to get out.
Turning to Ren and Nora, Jaune said, "And don't act like you two wouldn't."
"Oh, I would," Nora said. At everyone's incredulous stare, she shrugged. "What? The more I think about it, the hotter it seems. Plus, who better to keep up with me than me? We could use Lightning Dust on each other and everything!"
Suddenly, Jaune was thankful that it was Joan who had arrived instead of Nora's alter-ego.
Ren, meanwhile, sighed before nodding. "...I suppose if Nora is okay with it, then..."
Jaune grinned smugly, then crossed his arms. "See? You're all just as bad as me. No point in hiding it."
Reluctantly, they all mumbled an agreement under their breath… all except Weiss, that is.
"You've all lost it," the heiress declared. "You're all out of your Gods-damned minds."
"Oh, really?" Joan challenged. "Because I know for a fact that a certain someone has been spending extra time in the chemistry lab, trying every possible combination of Dust she can to try and get her alternate self to appear."
Weiss' jaw hit the floor. She harrumphed, then looked away, crossing her arms. "I have done no such thing!"
"Really? You mean to tell me that you haven't even considered it, even for curiosity's sake?"
"Of course not!"
"Oh, but think about it," Joan replied, her tone suddenly becoming sultry. "Imagine the male version of yourself – flawless porcelain skin, over a lean physique. Imagine those icy blue eyes staring into yours as he pins you down with his glyphs, then ravishes you in the way that only you know you like. Imagine him fulfilling your every fantasy, even the ones you swear to always keep to yourself, because he has them too. Doesn't that sound nice?"
"...N-no..."
"Aha!" Joan shouted, pointing at her with glee. "You have thought about it!"
"Alright, fine!" Weiss said, throwing her arms up. "Maybe I have thought about it! Maybe I just want a male version of myself to appear and pleasure me however I want! Maybe I want him to force me into a spread-eagled position with his glyphs, then unleash upon me an endless symphony of ecstasy in a way that only I can do to myself! There, I admit it! You happy now?!"
Joan settled back into her seat, a smug grin on her face. "Very happy, yes," she said proudly.
"...Well, now that we've established we're all equally degenerate, I guess nobody can blame me for taking advantage of the situation when it presented itself," Jaune announced.
Again, reluctant mumbles of agreement went up all around the table, this time even coming from Weiss. Jaune felt himself smirk.
It was nice to be a winner for a change.
With their friends' initial awkwardness and judgment now gone, Jaune and Joan were free to focus on their actual relationship… if it could be called that – right now, it was really more of a friends-with-benefits sort of thing. Jaune had no idea why – fleeting as a relationship between them would be, the two of them still seemed like a good fit for each other at first glance. They liked the same things, had the same personality, knew all about what the other person liked in bed… what was the problem with this, again?
Currently, they were all in the cafeteria for breakfast. Class hadn't yet started, so they were free to load up on as much junk food and caffeine as they wanted before then. And Jaune knew just what to get first.
It was beckoning to him. That sweet, sweet ambrosia. It was the food of the divines. He who consumed it ceased to be a mere man, instead ascending to a higher plane of existence for however long it took for the sugar rush to wear off. It was absolutely radiant, each spoonful consisting of sheer, concentrated, processed, artificially-flavored ecstasy.
Pumpkin Pete's Marshmallow Flakes.
Jaune lined up behind the throng of students waiting to get their cereal, but he wasn't worried – nobody else really ate Pumpkin Pete's. According to them it was 'too sugary' or 'not good for you'; well, to them, he said bullshit. Sure, it may have been terrible for him, but he was willing to sacrifice his body for his taste buds, as all connoisseurs of good food had to be willing to do.
With a smile on his face, Jaune approached the front of the line, prepared to reap the rewards of having waited since yesterday morning. There was only one box of Pumpkin Pete's, same as always, but that didn't matter. He reached out for it.
And another hand met his.
He paused, then turned to see who it was.
Of course.
Joan. It was natural, he supposed – the two of them were the same person, after all. Obviously, they would share the same taste in unhealthy breakfast foods.
"Jaune," Joan began, "I'm gonna need you to let go of the box."
"You first," he replied.
She tried to tug it towards herself, but he responded by pulling it back. Again, their gazes met, the two of them glaring at each other.
"You will not deny me this," Joan threatened.
"You're the one trying to deny me. Now let go."
"Never!"
And so a mini struggle ensued, the two of them warring over who would get the right to clog their arteries. On and on it went, with no clear winner in sight. After several seconds of back-and-forth, they again paused.
"I am not sharing," Jaune said. "I was here first."
"No, I was."
"Yeah? Well, I'm the original."
"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the one who started the whole friends-with-benefits thing. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to claim my payment for services rendered."
She tried to pull the box towards herself, but Jaune refused to budge.
"You're forgetting something," he said. "You may have initiated the relationship, but I'm the one who pushes it forward."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you perform like a dead fish. You just lie there and take it."
"Yeah? Well, you just thrust away! Where's the clit action, Jaune?!"
"What are you guys doing?" Nora asked from behind them.
"Mind your own business!" they both shouted, causing her to shrink back.
With Nora dealt with, they turned back to each other.
Joan smirked. "You know, I had a better time with my fingers and my sex toys than with you."
"Oh, is that so? Well, I faked all my orgasms!"
"What? You're a guy, you can't fake an orgasm!"
"That's sexist."
"Sexist? I felt you squirt inside me last night, you fucking liar!"
"Well, I heard you scream out whenever you came!"
Ruby suddenly came up, tapping Jaune on the shoulder. "Uh, Jaune?"
"What?!" Jaune asked, whirling around to face her.
Ruby said nothing, instead simply motioning out over the cafeteria. The two of them turned to look, and found everybody standing there, frozen, doing nothing but staring at them with their jaws on the floor.
Only two people looked any different, those being Blake and Pyrrha. The former had a hand down her pants and the latter looked like she was torn between crying and asking something she really wanted to ask.
Jaune cleared his throat, then turned back to Joan. Reluctantly, he let go of the cereal box. "...You win, but only because I'm the one who will have to deal with the aftermath of this once you're gone."
Joan smirked victoriously. "Whatever you need to say to make yourself feel like less of a loser, Jaune."
"Of course, you realize that this means war."
"Oh, I know. And I've just decided something."
"Oh, yeah? Hit me."
"I'm thinking that maybe Weiss was right. Maybe the world only needs one Jaune Arc. And if that's the case, then I'm going to be the one. I will prove myself to be the original Jaune Arc, and you the mere copy."
"Well, I won't go quietly. If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get."
"Fine by me." Joan paused. "...But I still want to keep having sex with you."
"Oh, obviously. But beyond that, I will destroy you."
"Bring it," Joan said.
Then, just to taunt him, she opened up the box and ate a handful of cereal. Jaune felt himself begin to fume, but rather than let her get to him, he simply turned and walked away.
She wanted war? She'd get war.
Unfortunately, Jaune had failed to consider the consequences of declaring war on Joan – namely, that she held the sole power to ruin his reputation, and there wasn't much he could do about it. Sure, he could try to embarrass her in a similar way – such as by revealing her deepest, darkest secrets, just as she had sworn to do to him – but it wouldn't stick, since eventually she would go back to her own world and be completely free of any consequences.
At least, he assumed. Ozpin had promised to have his top men working on that, but it was such an odd set of circumstances that Jaune doubted they would ever be able to replicate it. But even taking that into account, Joan just wasn't as easy to embarrass, since barely anybody knew about her compared to him.
Yeah, she had a reputation, but it was the opposite of his – he was the awkward geek who couldn't fight to save his life, and she was the cute awkward geek who couldn't fight to save her life, and apparently lots of guys (and girls) found that absolutely adorable rather than something to make fun of. It was honestly infuriating, how all of his weaknesses could somehow be turned into a strength for her.
Curse my Y chromosome.
Truly, being born with a vagina is basically living life on easy mode. Moment of silence for all my fellow kings out there – often forgotten, but not by me. Love you, my guys (in a completely platonic way, of course).
Alright, moment over. Stop feeling sorry for yourselves, you pussies – the last thing we need is more incels running around making us look bad.
Anyway, he had to admit, it wasn't all bad – at least he had a dick. Yeah, that'll show her. Suck it, Joan.
...In addition to the other times she had already sucked it, that is.
Pushing those thoughts from his mind, Jaune approached his dorm room and swiped his scroll over the e-reader. Stepping inside, he scowled when he found Joan lying on his bed, her face buried in a comic book.
"What are you doing?"
She turned a page. "Reading."
"...Is that one of my X-Ray and Vav comics?'
The corners of her mouth turned upwards. "Maybe."
Was she doing this on purpose? It was like living with Saphron all over again. Jaune sighed.
"I don't think I have to tell you that those are collector's items."
"Oh, I don't know." She turned another page. "For all we know, that could be different between our worlds." She peered at him from behind the book. "But what if it is? What are you gonna do about it?"
She had him there. There weren't exactly any earth-shattering secrets he could reveal that would sully her reputation, both because her reputation couldn't be sullied and because doing so would also sully his reputation. For all intents and purposes, she was invincible in that regard.
Unless…
Jaune grinned. It was an evil grin, of somebody who had just come up with a nefarious plan. That girl from Haven would love him right now.
What he was about to do was simply evil, in every sense of the word. He was going to reveal what should never have been revealed.
Jaune cleared his throat, then turned to where the rest of his team was lying on their beds.
"Hey, Pyrrha?"
The redhead looked up from her notes. "Yes, Jaune?"
"There's something you should know about Joan."
Pyrrha frowned. "Oh? What is it?"
Jaune cast a glance over at Joan. Predictably, she was ignoring him in favor of continuing to peruse his comic book collection.
Let's see if we can't change that, shall we?
"Pyrrha, have you noticed anything about your clothing drawer?"
Joan immediately paused, casting a glance over at him. "Jaune," she warned.
Jaune simply smirked at her, then turned back to Pyrrha. The champion thought for a moment.
"...I think I noticed some of my clothes were missing?" she said after a few seconds.
"Some of your underwear, you mean," Jaune said, making her blush. "No need to be so bashful – everyone wears them, after all."
"You better not," Joan said, putting the comic book aside.
Again, Jaune flashed her a grin before turning back to Pyrrha. "You're probably wondering why that is, right?" Tentatively, Pyrrha nodded. "Well, I'll tell you."
"I'm warning you," Joan interrupted, her tone becoming much more threatening.
Still, Jaune refused to take notice of her. "You know how when Joan arrived, she only had what she was wearing?" Pyrrha nodded once more. "And you know how we went out to buy her some clothes?" Another nod. Jaune's grin widened. "Well, we forgot to buy underwear, so-"
"Jaune!" Joan shouted.
"-SoSheBorrowedSomeOfYours!"
Jaune never got to see Pyrrha's reaction, as Joan took that moment to leap at him. The two collided in a tangle of limbs, rolling around on the floor as they struck at each other. Hair was pulled, balls were kicked… and through it all, Jaune continued to call out to the others.
"She decided she liked how they felt, and she thought it was hot that she was wearing your panties!" Jaune cried. "So she's still wearing them!"
"I'll kill you!" Joan shouted.
"I think she took some of Nora's, too! They're so undersized on her, it's like she's wearing a G-string!"
"Hot," Nora commented.
Ren tugged at his collar.
"Yeah? Well, Jaune forged his transcripts!" Joan called.
"Ha! They already know, bitch!" Jaune retorted.
"He jerks off in the shower!"
"That means you do, too!"
"So? It's not my world!"
"Joan likes it when I spank her!"
"Jaune has a fetish for blondes in glasses! Miss Goodwitch gets him rock-hard every time! Sometimes, when he's in Combat Class and nobody is looking, he rubs his dick through his pants under the desk!"
"You do it too, coomer!"
"Girls can't be coomers! We can't even coom!"
"Aha! So the female orgasm isn't real, and you admit it!"
"That's a huge leap of logic and you fucking know it!"
And so it went, the two of them rolling around in a ball of petty violence while the others simply watched, the whole time the two Arcs' commentary on each other continuing to get spicier.
In all the commotion, nobody noticed Pyrrha's gaze locked on the two of them, nor did they notice the fact that she was biting her lip and rubbing her legs together.
Gods above, this is hot, she thought to herself.
The more Jaune thought about it, the less he liked Joan.
The two of them were sitting in Combat Class, neither of them willing to even look at each other after what had just happened the day before. He was sure she felt the same way about him.
Sure, it was weird to say, given that she was literally him with two X chromosomes, but at this point he just couldn't deny it any longer. He didn't care if that meant he hated himself – in this case, that hatred was well-deserved.
And it wasn't just because of the fight they had just had, or her reading his comic books, or her stealing his cereal, or even her revealing what he liked in bed or ruining his reputation. It was all the little things – how she put on a veneer of fake bravado to pump herself up, how she carried herself with this unwarranted sense of self-importance, how she refused to stop eye-humping Weiss…
Wait, she's checking out another girl? ...Does that mean I'm actually bisexual?
He supposed that depended on if traps were gay or not… which, given how Joan looked about ready to jump Weiss, was probably a yes.
Oh, Gods damn it.
M-maybe she was only doing that because she was pent-up? They hadn't had sex the night before, they were so pissed at each other. Y-yeah, that had to be the reason, right? Haha…
Okay, that's some pretty pathetic denial, even for you.
Ignoring that little crisis of sexuality, he focused on his alter-ego once more. She was just so obnoxious. Was this really how he acted on a daily basis? Geez, no wonder he had so few friends.
You know, all that coupled with the fact that he had forged his transcripts and likely stolen some hopeful student's spot at Beacon kind of made him seem like an enormous asshole.
Seriously, what kind of prick did that? What next, was he just randomly going to start beating up a kid several years younger than himself for no good reason? At this point, he wouldn't be surprised.
Man, I have got to stop acting like such a dick, because if Joan is this unbearable to me, I can't imagine how I must come off to others.
The buzzer sounded, indicating the match had ended. Professor Goodwitch brought her scroll up and started the randomizer, rolling her eyes at the result.
"Jaune Arc and Joan Arc, you're both up."
Oh, of fucking course. Well, at least this was someone he could actually conceivably beat. Rising from their seats, the two of them stepped into the ring, standing across from each other. They both drew their weapons, staring their opposite down.
At one point, their identical weapons, outfits, and last names would have attracted some questions, but thankfully Professor Goodwitch had covered for them by introducing Joan as Jaune's cousin.
Unfortunately, that only made their sexual escapades worse, as neither of them were very quiet. The whole floor probably knew they were banging by now, which boded ill for Jaune's reputation (after all, this was Vale, not Mistral; incest was still considered taboo here)… not that he cared, given how much damage Joan had already done to it by telling everybody about his love for monster girls.
Hey, don't blame him – turns out that Blake had better taste in smut than she let on. Like half of the fetishes he had developed after arriving at Beacon were her fault, traps included.
Why do I hang out with her, anyway? Literally nothing good has ever come of it.
His thoughts were cut off by Professor Goodwitch stepping out of the ring.
"Combatants ready?" she asked.
"Ready!" they both replied.
"Standby… begin!"
This was it – his chance to face an opponent on his level. Their skills should be about equal, so this was a fight that he could actually win. Coupled with his greater strength, and it shouldn't have even been a contest.
The two of them charged in, their swords meeting…
...And it was a stalemate. Whenever one of them tried to do something, the other either dodged or blocked with their shield. Within seconds, the reason was obvious – they had both spent weeks training with Pyrrha, so naturally going up against someone who was as bad as their alter-ego was going to be ridiculously easy by comparison. Not only that, but they knew each other's tricks, so there was no way they were ever going to be able to take the other by surprise.
The two of them locked blades, staring each other down. Neither sword moved, even with Jaune's greater strength. They were stuck. There was zero progress being made. Out of the corner of his eye, Jaune saw Goodwitch check her watch, clearly bored out of her skull. A glance up to the wall-mounted clock showed that they still had thirty minutes left in class, which was just fucking great. Unless a miracle happened, they were stuck like this.
So, naturally, the two of them decided to do the only thing they could to make this fight actually progress.
"Joan can cum just from having her nipples played with!"
"Jaune's into feet!"
"Joan's always wanted to try sleeping with a girl!"
"Jaune is interested in prostate play!"
And needless to say, it was embarrassing for both of them.
Unfortunately, in addition to embarrassing, it was also ineffective – despite their best efforts, neither one was able to make any headway against the other. Eventually, Miss Goodwitch got tired of sitting there with her eye twitching and decided to take matters into her own hands.
"Enough!" the professor shouted.
Raising her riding crop, she forcibly separated both of them. The two Arcs stared each other down, neither one wanting to relax.
"This fight is over," Glynda announced. "Return to your seats."
Jaune and Joan said nothing, both of them simply gathering their gear and heading up to join their friends. They sat on opposite sides of the group, neither one willing to look at each other. Their friends exchanged a quick glance among themselves.
"Lover's quarrel?" Yang asked.
"Something like that," Jaune replied.
"Ah. Lemme guess: it's over something stupid?"
"Pumpkin Pete's is not stupid!" Joan protested.
"So that's a yes, then."
Weiss suddenly cleared her throat, glaring at Jaune. "Must you reveal her secrets to the world?"
Jaune's jaw dropped. "What the hell, Weiss? Did you miss the part where she did the same to me? Why am I getting the blame for this?"
"I mean, you have to understand that these are terrible optics for you. Everyone's just going to assume that you started it since you're the guy."
Jaune crossed his arms, grumbling. No, it wasn't fair, but that was just the way the world worked. He probably should have expected that something like this was going to happen when he first set this plan into motion, but then again he had been forced to skip breakfast thanks to a certain someone, so it was understandable why he hadn't.
Well, understandable to him, that is.
Women just don't understand how important trivial bullshit like this is to men. At this point, it wasn't even about the cereal as much as it is having her take what was his, and him being butthurt about that.
Probably a poor choice of words, given one of the secrets she just revealed about me.
He could already tell he wasn't about to live down that comment about prostate play any time soon. And that had been told to her in confidence, too. What a bitch.
"You know what?" he suddenly announced. "Joan, I don't think this is going to work."
"You read my fucking mind," she replied. "You're an asshole, Jaune."
"Oh, like you're not just as bad. Anyway, I've decided that I can't stand you, what with your stupid hoodie, your stupid blonde hair, and your stupid blue eyes."
"You're describing yourself too, you dickass."
"Yeah, but I make this stuff look good. You're just a pale imitation."
"Oh, so certain of that, are you? Who's to say that you're not the imitation, and I'm the original?"
"Well, we're in my world, for one. Kinda lends a lot of credence to my theory."
As the two of them bickered, nobody paid any attention to the figure in the middle, someone who was steadily losing her mind.
This is getting out of hand, Pyrrha thought to herself. If I don't do something, I'm going to miss out! This calls for drastic measures.
And she knew just what those drastic measures were going to have to be.
The night was promising to be a relatively normal one. Ren and Nora were off on their bi-weekly midnight sloth-spotting trip in the Emerald Forest, and Pyrrha was nowhere to be found. That left Jaune and Joan alone in their dorm room, the two of them doing their best to relax but failing miserably as they silently seethed at one another.
"Bitch."
"Assclown."
Or, occasionally, not-so-silently seethed at each other.
Honestly, neither one could help it. Turns out that your other half is actually kind of insufferable – after all, there's a big reason why there's only one of you, that being that the world can only handle one of you. Naturally, there was going to be some friction. At this point, Jaune was thanking his lucky stars that said friction had been limited to trading barbs with his alter ego instead of the universe blowing up or something equally as stupid.
Still, he was going to miss getting to literally fuck himself. At this point, despite their earlier declarations that they wanted to keep having sex, it was looking as if a physical relationship was off the table – their fighting had progressed to the point where it was going to take an actual universe-bending, odds-defying miracle to undo the damage enough that they could be pushed together and would willingly sleep with each other again.
But what were the odds of some weird shit like that happening? That kind of thing only happened in bad stories written by hack writers, after all.
Suddenly, the door came flying open. Both of them couldn't help but jump at it, but they both relaxed upon seeing it was just Pyrrha.
"Hey, Pyrrha," Jaune greeted.
To his astonishment, the redhead didn't say anything. Instead, she focused in on Joan like a high-wattage laser, marching over to where the blonde girl was lying on her bed. Joan raised an eyebrow as she approached, sitting up straight.
"Uh, hey?" the female Arc said. "So, what's going on? Something I should be-"
She never got a chance to finish as Pyrrha suddenly leaned down and grabbed her by the back of the head, then brought her in for a very passionate kiss. Joan was surprised at first, but eventually relaxed, allowing herself to get really into it. She closed her eyes and moaned into the kiss, as did Pyrrha. Jaune, meanwhile, found himself stuck watching, feeling his jeans suddenly get very tight.
And then Joan cracked an eye open and gave him a smug look, and he scowled.
Oh sure, rub it in, you bitch.
Sad thing was, he wasn't sure if he was more jealous about Pyrrha getting with Joan or Joan getting with Pyrrha. Either way, this had gone on long enough.
"Alright, what's going on?" he questioned.
Pyrrha instantly broke the kiss, leaving Joan a panting mess. Turning to Jaune, she flushed red.
"Jaune, I'm bisexual."
Jaune blinked. "...Yes, I think I realized that."
"Good. Because I'm going to have sex with Joan now."
"Yes please," Joan said, a dopey grin on her face.
Jaune's scowl deepened. "Well, this is just great. Guess I'm just gonna go and-"
"Oh, no you don't," Pyrrha announced. "I spent all day planning this, and I'm not letting you get away."
"...You spent all day planning to just come in and kiss Joan out of nowhere?"
"Yes."
Well, now he knew why he was leader and not Pyrrha. "...I see. And what do you mean, you're not letting me get away?"
"I want a threesome with you and her."
Jaune felt a miniature sun explode behind his eyes. The entire world went bright white for a second. It was as if his entire brain had just short-circuited. He was reasonably certain that a choir of angels had descended from Heaven and started singing 'Hallelujah', but upon listening a bit closer, that was obviously just someone blasting some Casey Lee Williams.
Seriously, that girl's music fucking slaps. How come everything about this show is so enjoyable aside from the show itself, which is kind of ass, albeit steadily improving ass? No wonder people just consume the music and fanfics – it's generally better than actually watching the damn thing.
Anyway, Joan, on the other hand, raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"You heard me," Pyrrha stated. "I have waited for this for too long, and I am not about to let my one chance at sleeping with you two pass me by! Now, are you both in, or are you out?"
Well, talk about asking a question he didn't even need to think about the answer to.
"I'm in," Jaune instantly said.
Joan rolled her eyes at that. "Figures… but yeah, I'm in."
Pyrrha couldn't hold back her grin. "Yes! Let's make it a night to remember!"
The other two had no idea just how much she meant those words.
Hours later, all three of them sat back, though the only one really basking in the afterglow was Pyrrha. Jaune and Joan, meanwhile, were still shellshocked, but in a good way.
"Uh..." Joan began, unsure of exactly what to say.. "I-I mean… that was… wow…"
"Gotta admit, I didn't think you would actually take the stupid things we revealed about each other into account," Jaune said.
Pyrrha looped an arm around both of them as she leaned against the headboard. "What can I say? I'm a very generous lover."
Jaune definitely couldn't argue with that, especially not after that thing she had done with her finger (he was a degenerate, fucking sue him). However, there was one thing that was still bugging him.
"So, Pyrrha," he began, "obviously this didn't come from nowhere. So, I have to ask: how long were you into me?" At Joan's nasty look, he quickly added, "Uh, I mean, how long were you into us?"
Pyrrha couldn't help but blush. "Oh, Jaune, I'm so happy you asked! Well, to tell you the truth-"
She never got to finish, as a large portal suddenly tore itself open in the center of the room. The three of them yelped, bringing the covers up to hide themselves from whatever was coming through. But to Jaune's surprise, it wasn't a terrible mother – rather, it was… uh… a tall, yellow, faceless man with antlers?
The man turned to look at them, his faceless expression seeming to bore a hole into Jaune's soul. Raising a hand, he pointed it at Jaune. "You."
His voice seemed to resonate across the room. Slowly, Jaune nodded. "Y-yes?"
"I am the God of Light. I understand that a great transgression has occurred here. Explain to me what you have just done."
Now, Jaune had always been told never to kiss and tell, but when a giant naked yellow man with antlers appears in your room, all bets are off.
"Um, I had a threesome with my alter-ego from another universe and my best friend."
"I see. And did you use protection?"
"...I mean, I pulled out? That's kinda like protection."
"No it isn't!" Weiss called from across the hall.
"...It's better than nothing."
"Silence!" The God of Light shouted, causing him to instantly shut up. "You mean to tell me that you, Jaune Arc, have slept with Pyrrha Nikos."
"Yes."
"And not only that, but you've also gotten your alter-ego, Joan Arc, pregnant?"
Instantly, Jaune's expression fell. He slowly turned towards Joan, who met his expression with one of her own. Needless to say, there was only one word that could properly sum up what Jaune was feeling right now.
"Fuck."
And then everything went to hell. There was suddenly a massive explosion; the room seemed to turn photo-negative, all the colors inverting as the world seemed to suddenly collapse in on itself.
"You fools!" the God of Light cried. "Not only did you three get Joan pregnant by Jaune, resulting in two identical Jaune Arcs in a single world, but even worse than that, you've actually let Arkos win! Do you have any idea what this means?! You've messed with the natural order! The very laws of creation that govern the universe have been violated! Reality is unraveling before our very eyes!"
"What's happening?" Jaune cried.
"It's the multiverse!" Joan shouted. "The multiverse is collapsing!"
"Ha! Fuck you, I was right!" Weiss called from across the hall.
Unfortunately for Weiss, she would have no time to celebrate the one victory she had ever achieved in her entire life. In mere moments, all of Remnant was pulled into a giant black hole, the very fabric of reality seeming to collapse under the weight of the two Arc's hubris. Just before all consciousness faded across every possible reality, one final thought flashed through Jaune's head.
Doesn't matter – had a threesome.
And with that, he happily let himself and the rest of creation collapse into nothingness.
Still totally worth it, though.
Special thanks to Xavier: Renegade Angel, from which I took several parts of that little exchange between Jaune and Joan at the start (S1E10 of X:RA, to be exact). I did my best to change it around to reflect the pairing a bit better, but I fear I only made it worse – that's what happens when you mess with perfection, though. I recommend you all go and watch that episode immediately, then come back to make fun of me for doing the same thing, but shitty. And when you're done with that, watch the rest of the episodes, because that show is underrated as all hell and deserves a lot more recognition than it gets.
Anyway, now there's an ending for you – a good end followed immediately by a bad end. Definitely a real rollercoaster ride of emotions.
This was a lot more fun than it should have been. It's probably the dumbest pairing so far, but that just gave me a lot to work with. Pyrrha's reaction alone was a good time, and also a chance to finally be nice to her for once – she's been shit on this entire fic, so I figured I'd finally throw her a bone this time, and boy did I. A shame that the multiverse imploded mere minutes afterwards, but hey, she got a threesome out of it. No regrets, I'm sure.
I should mention that I've been getting some complaints about how Jaune seems to come off like an asshole in some of these, so I'll be taking steps to address that from now on. My bad, guys. I'm not trying to bash or anything, sometimes I just get so caught up in going for comedy that I can't see the forest for the trees. I'll be doing my best to avoid this from now on. But until then, Jaune gets a taste of his own medicine by coming face-to-face with himself and realizing he's kind of acting like a huge ass.
Besides that, I don't have much else. This is probably one of my favorite R63 chapters so far, probably because it's fucking stupid. Definitely not quite on the level of Eve Taurus, but it's up there.
Also, because I'm curious and have to know: how many of you out there, if given the opportunity, would actually fuck your R63 counterpart? Personally, I know I say I wouldn't, but given that it's looking like my only options would be 'Sleep with my female alter-ego' or 'Die a virgin', I'd be sorely tempted. It'd definitely be weird though, and I know I'd probably regret it afterwards, but that's just me.
Next update: Saturday, July 11.