Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Weiss, or: He Has No Grace
Looking back, he probably should have expected this.
"No… no..."
Dating Weiss definitely came with its fair share of perks, but it also had its own drawbacks as well.
"No… no..."
He just wished that meeting the family could have waited a bit longer.
Weiss finally stopped looking through his backpack in favor of staring at him. "Don't you have anything more fancy than this?"
Jaune sighed tiredly. "Weiss, I was wandering through the wilderness for months. I had to pack light."
"Sure, but you had to know that you'd be meeting my parents eventually."
He did, sure… but he also wasn't crazy enough to think that she would drag him to meet her parents when they were, you know, kind of on an important mission.
Sure, on a certain level he kind of understood why she wanted to – might as well kill two birds with one stone, after all – but would it have killed her to wait until after they had dealt with Salem? This just seemed like kind of a ridiculous thing to waste time on when it would be spent doing, you know, literally anything else.
"You have that look on your face again," Weiss noted.
"What look?" Jaune asked.
"The one you get whenever you think about having to meet my family."
One of many looks that she had come to identify with him. There were a few others, too – one for when she was acting a bit too frosty with him, one for when she lamented how she had yet to win a fight, and one for when she asked him if he could please wrangle Nora already, for Gods' sake she's ruining everything, sweet Salem's crows feet you're her leader, please do something.
Luckily, those were just the looks of his that she had managed to parse the meaning out of. She was still clueless as to the ones for when she tried to be dominant and failed utterly, as well as the one for whenever she asked if he liked her braid.
Shaking those thoughts from his head, Jaune did his best to look like he wasn't wishing for a bolt of lightning to descend from the heavens directly onto his face, killing him instantly and therefore preventing him from having to go to this family dinner. Instead, he smiled.
"What look? You know I'm looking forward to this, Weiss."
Yeah, looking forward to it in the same way one looks forward to getting a root canal.
"I'd love to meet Winter and Klein."
Only half-true – Klein seemed like a pretty cool dude. Winter was kind of a massive bitch, though. But he couldn't be too mad at her; that Specialist uniform highlighted her curves just right. He had lost many of his children to her in the time before him and Weiss had started dating, to the point that he was now less afraid of Salem than he was about the possibility of all the tissues he had flushed down the toilet conglomerating together into one mass, gaining sentience, and trying to track him down for child support.
You laugh, but try and keep in mind that they were currently in Atlas to deliver a magic lamp which contained a genie to a cyborg-man who was guarding a floating city, which was being held aloft by a magic wand gifted to an immortal by the Gods, all in the name of summoning said Gods so they could determine if humanity was really as big a pack of dicks as they thought, and if they were, said Gods would proceed to flush all of Remnant down the great cosmic toilet with a wave of massive fuck-you energy, much like how one flushes condoms down the toilet after a drunken bar hookup when you thought the girl was a 6/10 due to beer goggles but she was actually a 3/10.
Point is, in the grand scheme of things, his used masturbation tissues coming together and demanding he be their father for once wasn't exactly outside the realm of possibility, as far as he was concerned. At the very least, they were about as likely as Nora deciding that she wanted to eat healthy from now on, or Oscar actually being compelling for once – not very likely, but give it like a few thousand years or so and maybe it will happen.
Anyway, where was he? Oh, right – meeting the family.
"Relax, Weiss," Jaune said. "I'm sure it'll be fine."
Weiss paused in what she was doing, instead staring at him.
"It'll be okay."
She kept staring.
"...Okay, it'll probably be a disaster."
Satisfied, she went back to searching for something for him to wear. He sighed tiredly.
Why even prompt me to adjust my answer if it was just going to be exactly what you wanted?
Honestly, he didn't get it. This was just one of those Weiss things he had to deal with, like how she enjoyed being tied up and spanked or how, when nobody else was around, she secretly liked using the F-N-word a bit too much, as befitting someone of her illustriously racist family heritage. If you're curious what that word is, let me spell it out for you: Faunig-
"Gah, this is hopeless!" Weiss said. "I guess you really don't have any nice clothes to wear."
"I told you," Jaune replied.
Honestly, he was proud of that. Any guy with a mother or a sister could tell you how hard it is to get out of clothes shopping, and Jaune had already done his time with that shit, thank you. He was perfectly willing to dress in bachelor clothes all the time if it meant never having to spend more than fifteen minutes in a clothing store ever again, because fuck clothes shopping. He could maybe get it if he was some kind of asshole businessman who actually had to dress nice, but he was a Huntsman, so he really needed something functional instead of stylish. He wasn't like Weiss, who spent an hour putting her clothes on every morning and another hour styling her hair. Nah, all he did was throw on his clothes, throw on some armor, and throw some gel in his hair.
Speaking of which, hot damn, his new haircut was stylish. He was rockin' the Chad Thundercock look.
Weiss sighed. "Well, this is already a disaster. Can't fix your wardrobe, can't fix your hair..."
He frowned. "What's wrong with my hair?"
"You look like a stereotypical jock jerk. It's like something Cardin would wear. What were you thinking?"
Truthfully, he was thinking he'd be able to start calling himself Jauney Bravo and have it actually sort of make sense. No, he wasn't joking – that was his entire reason for getting the haircut. You laugh, but at least Jaune had actually achieved his stupid childhood dream, unlike some people. Go back to wishing you were an astronaut, loser. Maybe if you ask really nicely, Elon will send you into space.
Anyway, that aside, Weiss did have a point – this was going to be a fucking disaster. Imagine Ruby trying to fight in heels and multiply it by like a million and you wouldn't even be one one-thousandth of the way there to just how bad this was going to go. He could already tell that this was going to be worse than a hundred Fall of Beacons.
Basically just picture V5 and you'd have an idea of about what to expect in terms of awfulness.
Ah shit, he was getting meta with it again. And here he was, thinking he'd fixed that.
Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit eating Pumpkin Pete's.
It was a damn shame, is what it was. Moment of silence for Pumpkin Pete's – they just weren't the same ever since they lost their mascot, who was… um…
What was her name again?
Honestly, he couldn't remember for the life of him. But that was okay – judging by how she hadn't been brought up in a long fucking time, nobody else remembered, either. That probably should have bothered him, but it really didn't – he didn't mind just being there, and neither did Ren and Nora. If Oscar wanted to usurp their role as the person the world revolved around who wasn't on Team RWBY, that was just fine. He would just be back on the sidelines, having not earned the complete undying hatred of the evil Grimm queen on a personal level, but still being considered important enough to date Weiss.
Truly, he was the real winner here. Imagine being a main character yet being hated more than a bunch of side characters. Seriously, fuck Oscar. I'd say that I hope Ozpin takes over his little bitch ass, but I think we all know that's literally never going to happen because RT has no balls, and that we're stuck with him forever. Truly, this is the worst timeline.
"Alright," Weiss said with a sigh. "I guess there's no avoiding it, so we might as well get this over with. Come on, Jaune."
Well, so much for that. He was tempted to try and get out of it once more, but if his initial offer of giving her five straight hours of oral sex in exchange for not doing this hadn't worked, then nothing would.
So much for my sanity, he thought as Weiss dragged him out the door.
The Schnee family home honestly defied belief. Maybe it was because he was raised in a dirt-poor family that lived in a shack in the middle of nowhere, but coming face-to-face with this much excess was just mind-boggling. They actually had fucking topiary in the middle of an arctic wasteland. How the hell did they even manage that?
Pushing that thought aside in favor of focusing on what was important, Jaune stood on the front doorstep, waiting for judgment to arrive.
"Now, let's go over this one more time," Weiss began.
Jaune sighed tiredly. "One: no public displays of affection. That means no hugs, no kisses, nothing to indicate that we're actually attracted to each other."
"Good. Next?"
"Make sure to compliment your father's taste in wristwear. He takes great pride in his fancy watches."
"And?"
"Remember my manners – all of my manners. I ought to be as respectable as possible, and do whatever it takes to make your family think I'm something other than a country bumpkin."
"So far so good. Do you remember what each piece of silverware is for?"
"Yes, Weiss, yes I do. You only made me practice it for three hours yesterday."
"And I'd have liked to go for three more, but unfortunately we didn't have the time."
Jaune exhaled, and she gave him a sympathetic look.
"Hey, now," she said softly. "Remember what awaits you at the end of this."
He did, of course – she had promised she'd do whatever he wanted her to if he managed to get through this evening without having her family try and break them apart. He wasn't sure why she even cared that much given that she seemed to hate her family, but whatever. Maybe he just wasn't thinking like a rich person was – status was everything for them. Still, he couldn't complain too much – if he could get Weiss to finally wear that lingerie he had gotten her all those weeks ago, he would consider this a fair trade.
That probably doesn't sound like a fair trade, but shut up. Girls in lingerie was his biggest fetish. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do in order to properly enjoy his fetish.
Unfortunately, his bravado managed to last for as long as it took Weiss to ring the doorbell. There was a chime, and almost instantly the door came flying open, revealing a bald-headed man dressed in a fancy suit. Instantly, his eyes lit up.
"Ah, Miss Schnee," he greeted cheerfully. He looked over at Jaune, and his eyes suddenly turned red. "...And her boyfriend," he added, in a tone that promised nothing but death.
Jaune felt a chill go down his spine. This was already off to a fantastic start.
"Hello to you too, Klein," Weiss said.
This was the great Klein Sieben? The man whom Weiss had claimed was like a surrogate father figure to her, if not the nicest man she had ever had the pleasure to know? 'Nice' his ass – Klein looked like he wanted to murder him! ...Which actually made sense given that he had practically raised Weiss, therefore making her like his surrogate daughter…
Jaune sighed tiredly, already knowing where this was going. Tipping his head towards Klein, he said, "A pleasure to meet you, sir. I'm Jaune-"
"Yes, Weiss spoke of you," Klein said dismissively. "Do come inside, Weiss – I have a spot at the table for you already set. Oh, and your boyfriend as well – unfortunately the Schnee family hasn't kept a pet since the days of Nicholas himself, so there were no doghouses for your boyfriend, but I compensated by placing him across from your father."
Weiss gave Jaune a sympathetic look as they walked, earning another tired sigh from him.
That lingerie better look good on her.
Both of them settled into their seats – Weiss at one end of the table, and Jaune at the other. Predictably, the table was also a sign of pure excess, being far too large for even twenty people, let alone the five that would be dining here tonight (En route to the mansion, he had learned that Winter would actually not be joining them, as she was busy with the military. This was good – now that he was dating her sister, he didn't need the boner fuel that was that skintight Specialist outfit… oh, and he also didn't need her trying to kill him.)
Anyway, Klein left them alone to gather the rest of the family, allowing them to converse amongst themselves for the first time.
"Jaune, I'm so sorry about Klein," Weiss began. "He's not normally like this."
He just waved her off. "Ah, I get it – he cares about you. Honestly, it's sweet."
She clearly didn't agree, instead grumbling angrily.
"...So," Jaune ventured, "I assume that it's not going to get much better, then?"
Her sympathetic look told him all he needed to know.
Footsteps from outside the room caught his attention, and he rose from his seat in order to try and be polite. Now, Weiss had warned him what to expect from the rest of her family, so he kind of knew what he was getting into.
But nothing could have prepared him for this.
A woman stumbled into the room, and… okay, not what he had expected.
Holy fuck, she's a total MILF.
On a certain level he felt bad, since that was his girlfriend's mother and all. But seriously, this woman was like one-third ass. And she barely looked a day over thirty, too. If this was what he could expect when Weiss got older… well, let's just say that he was looking forward to it.
Clearing his throat, Jaune offered his hand to her. "Hello, ma'am. Jaune Arc."
She stopped and stared at him, blinking a few times. It took a moment, but Jaune became acutely aware of the fact that her breath stank like pure ethanol, which was likely due to the half-empty bottle of booze she was clutching tightly in her hand.
For a few seconds, Willow said nothing, instead continuing to eye him cautiously. Then, her vision relaxed. Her gaze traveled up and down his body, and when she looked back to his face, a sultry look crossed over her.
"My, my~" she purred. "You are certainly a fine one, aren't you?"
Ah, shit, he should have expected this – that short gig as a crossing guard had taught him that he had a knack for attracting MILFs. And while he normally would have been all over this to the point that his dick might as well have been called Excalibur and her cooch might as well be called… um… the rock that Excalibur was stuck in, he guessed, currently this was a big no-no, as his girlfriend was right there.
And she was horrified.
"Mother!" Weiss shouted, her face flushing red.
Willow waved her off. "Hush, Weiss – Mommy is trying to get some. It's been far too long."
"That's my boyfriend!"
"Truly? Well, I'll admit that it's a little weird, but just so long as it's not actually getting into incest territory-"
Jaune felt himself choke on nothing. Letting out a cough, he decided that he was going to have to do something to salvage this situation before it got truly out of hand."Um, Miss Schnee-"
"Oh, don't call me that, hon," Willow slurred. "Last names are for people who aren't planning on sleeping together. If you must call me by something rather than just loudly moaning all night, I'd prefer you use a title – Mistress will work fine, or if you're feeling kinky, you can just call me Mommy."
Jaune had to resist the urge to tug on his collar. Yeah, she was weird, but she was also a hot MILF who was desperately thirsty for his cock. You try keeping your composure in that situation, see how easy you find it.
Weiss slammed her hands on the table. "That's enough! Mother, can't you see that you're sexually harassing him?!"
Willow gave her a blank stare. "Honey, you know better than this. Sexual harassment is only a crime for people who can't afford to pay. And I would certainly make it worth his while." Turning back to him, she said, "How much for a night? Just from looking at you, I'd say… hmm… twenty-five thousand?"
...Was this woman actually offering to pay him twenty-five thousand bucks for sex? Was this the legendary hot sugar mommy he had heard legends about online? Man, if the thing with Weiss never worked out, he at least knew where to come back to on the rebound, because damn.
"I'll double it if your dick is bigger than my jackass husband's, and triple it if you actually get me off. Gods know I'm in need of a good orgasm or five."
Weiss was flabbergasted. "Mother-"
Willow ignored her in favor of looking back to Jaune. "So, how big is it?"
Jaune wasn't quite sure how to respond. "...Um, I think like six inches? I mean, I've never measured-"
"Good enough for me. Who will I be making the check out to, again? I know you told me your name already, but cut me some slack, I'm drunk."
Unfortunately, Jaune never got the chance to properly answer that question, as someone else took that moment to enter the room – a teenage boy. Jaune instantly recognized him as Weiss' younger brother, Whitley.
The youngest Schnee settled into his seat, giving Weiss a wide smile that Jaune knew was fake, given how she had warned him about her brother. "Hello to you, sister," he greeted. Turning to Jaune, he added, "And to you. I trust that Weiss has been treating you well?"
Don't answer it, Jaune. He's baiting you.
"Whitley," Weiss said, her voice dry. "Finally came out of your hole, I see."
"Oh? I don't think you're one to talk about someone coming out of their holes, given what you and your new boytoy have no doubt been up to."
"I'd be a lot more bothered by that if I wasn't absolutely sure of what you've been up to in my absence. Has Father seen the LonelyFans bill yet?"
Whitley instantly flushed red and began to sputter. "I-I have no idea what you're talking about!"
"Okay, then. I'll just pretend that a lonely teenager deep in the throes of puberty who has endless amounts of money at his fingertips and no idea how to talk to girls wouldn't take the easiest route to actually getting female attention."
"A-and how would you be so sure of this, then? Is there something you wish to tell us?"
"Only that you're not nearly as above it all as you like to claim."
"What is this 'LonelyFans?'" Willow asked.
"Please don't answer that," Whitley begged.
Weiss ignored him. "It's a site where women post nudes of themselves for money."
"Truly? Is that something young people do these days?"
"Only if they're completely shameless and hate their fathers." Weiss instantly paused. "...And also if they need the money, which we all know I don't. Whitley, if you say what I know you're thinking of right now, I will personally email Father your scroll history."
Whitley instantly shut his mouth. Jaune couldn't help but smirk.
Take that, Simpley. That's what you get for messing with your sister.
Honestly, it was amazing how, for all the money and assorted priceless shit the Schnee family had in their possession, they were still pretty much the most dysfunctional family he had ever seen. Hell, his family was about two steps below the poverty line, and he would still say that he got the better deal simply because his mom wasn't trying to jump on the closest dick she could find just to spite his father.
He would concede that Mama Arc could probably drink Mama Schnee under the table, but come on, you try raising eight kids without turning to drink. You'd probably be about ready to suck-start a twelve-gauge by kid number three. Frankly, it was amazing that Mama Arc was able to hold on until kid number five before she started to really hit the sauce.
The sound of footsteps instantly caused all conversation to die. Everyone stood up and turned towards the door, waiting for the final member of the family to arrive.
"Announcing Mister Jacques Schnee!" Klein stated, just as the man himself stepped through the doorway.
Jaune wished he could say that he was impressed… but honestly, he really wasn't. Jacques just looked like the same stereotypical rich douchebag you'd expect him to be. Pristine white suit that probably cost more than Jaune's family made in a month, a fancy-looking watch that probably cost about as much, and shiny black dress shoes that looked like they were coated with a layer of Faunus children's tears (which was probably not far from the truth).
However, Jaune had to admit that he was kind of disappointed that Jacques wasn't wearing his hat – he expected better from the owner of the Schneedale Schneemadome. But whatever, that wasn't important right now. What was important was that Jacques had taken notice of him and stopped directly in front of him, an eyebrow raised.
"And who might you be?" Jacques asked, his tone dismissive.
Yup, self-important douchebag confirmed. Resisting the urge to try sizing him up, Jaune instead stuck his hand out.
"Pleased to meet you, sir. I'm Jaune Arc, Weiss' boyfriend." Remembering Weiss' advice, he turned his attention to Jacques' watch. "Nice watch. Bolex?"
"Konstantin," Jacques replied, his voice somehow becoming even more dismissive. "Not that I would expect someone of your standing to recognize quality when he sees it."
He cast a look at Jaune's outstretched hand before turning and walking over to his seat, which was naturally the biggest one and situated at the end of the table. Jaune let his hand fall, trying not to let his displeasure show. Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced over at Weiss, who gave him an apologetic look. He merely exhaled softly through his nose.
Look on the bright side, Jaune – this has gotta be worth, what, at least three blowjobs by now, and the night's barely started?
That was certainly one way of looking at it, he supposed. Unfortunately, it only really applied if Jacques decided not to have him killed for daring to date his daughter. Maybe that was being paranoid, but Jacques was basically sitting on the biggest pile of fuck you money Remnant had ever seen, so it would be a trivial matter for him to hire coin assassins specifically to fuck Jaune up, and then bribe the judge into letting him go if he got caught.
Honestly, he could probably consider this evening a success if he managed to do nothing but get out of here without ending up with a target painted on his back. Why had he agreed to this again? Sure, Weiss may have pressured him into this, but did they really have to do it? You'd think Weiss would have gotten sick of her father's shit after that whole 'locking her in her room' thing he had tried like a year ago, but apparently not. So much for daddy issues, he supposed.
Speaking of daddy issues, how come everyone on Team RWBY had them in some form or another? There was obviously Weiss, but Blake had also had problems with her father that had gotten bad enough she had run away from home to join a terrorist group. And then there was Yang, who basically forced her father to choose between her and Ruby. Granted, she was traumatized and shit, but still, kind of a dick move. Then there was Ruby, who honestly seemed to not even really like her father, like seriously, she respected her fucking uncle more than her father, and they weren't even related by blood. Seriously, this fucking team had more daddy issues than Mass Effect 2. It was weird as hell.
"So, Jaune," Jacques said, somehow still managing to sound like a huge douchebag with just two simple words. "You're dating my daughter."
Oh, come on, they hadn't even served the first course yet! He thought they'd at least make it past course one or two before Jacques jumped right to the real heavy shit, but apparently Jacques just hated him that much. Still, nothing to do but answer truthfully.
Jaune nodded. "Yes, sir."
"I see. And what makes you think you're worthy of her?"
"Father," Weiss interrupted, "I think I can decide who's appropriate for me to date."
"One might think, but I can't have my daughter running around with some ruffian when my poll numbers are at risk."
That made no sense. Why the fuck would Jacques care about poll numbers? He basically owned all of Atlas. If he wanted to, he could literally just threaten to withhold all the Dust until he got what he wanted. Hell, with that line of thinking, why would he even care about getting a Council seat when he could literally just buy the Council's vote? Sure, if Robyn or Ironwood won the election then he couldn't buy them because of their morals and shit, but who cares when he can buy literally everyone else and just drown whoever was left in sheer numbers? This whole election thing was fucking stupid.
Sighing under his breath, Jaune looked over to Jacques. "Truthfully, sir, I don't think I'm worthy of her. Weiss is… well, she's amazing. She's a great person with a huge heart who cares deeply about her friends. She has a strong sense of right and wrong, and she has enough conviction to make sure that everything she does is for a good cause."
Weiss looked very touched by what he had said, but Jacques seemed unimpressed. "Hm. I notice you didn't mention her looks or her net worth at all."
"Obviously, she has those in spades, but they don't hold a candle to the kind of person she is inside. The fact that she's beautiful on the outside is nothing compared to the fact that on the inside, she's nothing short of absolutely radiant. And as for her monetary worth..." He shrugged. "I honestly don't care about that. She could be dirt poor and it wouldn't change my opinion of her one bit. Fact is, Weiss is the best thing to ever happen to a guy like me."
"Oh, Jaune~" Weiss said, blushing.
Jaune ignored the fact that Whitley was dry heaving and Willow looked jealous in favor of focusing on the fact that he had just made his girlfriend very happy. Hell, he had apparently even managed to impress Klein, if the look the butler was giving him was any indication.
Unfortunately, Jacques wasn't impressed.
"I'm not impressed," the Schnee patriarch said.
Instantly, the happy look evaporated from Jaune's face.
Continuing, Jacques said, "You talk a lot, but you have nothing to offer Weiss. Why would I let someone like you marry my daughter when you bring nothing to the table?"
"Uh, excuse me, but I think I'm capable of deciding who I should marry, thank you!" Weiss retorted.
Jaune felt the color drain from his face. Was she seriously talking about marriage? They weren't even in their twenties yet! Hell, they had only been dating for like a year up to that point! What next, was she going to start naming their children? That was the last thing he wanted, both because that was a sign of craziness and because he'd like to break the trend of the Schnee children having names starting with W, because that shit was like something right out of a cringey anime. It was already bad enough that if they got married she would probably insist on combining their last names rather than just taking his, and the last thing he wanted was to be stuck with a similar naming situation to Ruby and her family. Sweet Gods, what a fucking mess that was. You'd think they would have just made things less confusing by calling her Ruby Rose Xiao Long, but no, they had to make it stupid and just call her Ruby Rose instead.
Anyway, dumbass naming conventions aside, this was a real problem. He was going to have to think of a way to settle things with Jacques fast, or this was really going to go tits up.
Thankfully, Weiss exhaled softly, then settled back into her seat. "You know what? It's not worth arguing this right now. I just want to have a nice dinner with my boyfriend and my family."
Probably wishful thinking on her part, but Jaune wasn't about to tempt Jacques into sending those coin assassins after him more than he already had, so he decided to refrain from saying that out loud.
"Hm," Jacques grumbled. "...Very well, I suppose we can take this matter back up after we've eaten. I am quite famished."
As if on cue, the servers entered the room, carrying several platters of food. They set them on the table and removed the covers, and Jaune instantly felt his mouth water. Say what you will about the Schnee family, but they certainly had fine tastes – beef wellington, steamed lobster, veal chops with rosemary butter… yeah, this was quite the spread.
Minding his manners, Jaune decided to wait until everyone else had filled their plates before filling his. The platters of food were passed around with everyone serving themselves until it came to him, and when it did, he had to refrain from piling it high. Instead, he took a meager portion of beef wellington and prepared to tuck in.
Only for Weiss to ruin everything.
"Daddy, could you pass the salt?"
In retrospect, it wasn't exactly clear why she had chosen to call Jacques 'Daddy'. Maybe she had been hoping to awaken his long-abandoned paternal instincts in the hopes that she would convince him to have mercy on Jaune. Maybe it had just been a slip of the tongue. Honestly, it didn't matter, because Jacques didn't question it, instead reaching for the salt.
At the exact same time Jaune did.
Both their hands closed around the salt shaker, and the entire room froze immediately. Everyone was instantly able to read between the lines, and nobody liked it. Klein was back to hating Jaune. Whitley was back to dry heaving. Willow was back to being jealous of Weiss. Weiss' faced had flushed an intense red, and she had sunken down in her seat, covering her face with her hands.
Once more, Jaune felt the color drain from his face as he realized his mistake. Slowly, he turned to Jacques, giving him a sheepish grin.
"...Um, it isn't what you think?"
Jacques, to say the least, was unimpressed. Exhaling through his nose, he roughly stood up. "Right. I can see that this is going to take drastic measures to fix."
"Father, wait-" Weiss pleaded.
He held up a hand, silencing her. Turning to Jaune, he said, "Meet me in the training ring in five minutes. Bring your weapon."
And with that, he was gone. Jaune watched him as he went, perplexed.
What the fuck had he just gotten himself into?
"So, you really have no idea what to expect?" Jaune asked, sliding his sword into its sheath.
Weiss shook her head. "None. I didn't think my father even knew how to fight, but I guess things have changed since I've been away from home."
"Do you think this is all a bluff?"
"I don't know… I mean, it's likely that he'll have you fight an Arma Gigas, similar to what he made me do before I came to Beacon."
At that, Jaune relaxed. "That doesn't seem so bad."
"Then again, if he's feeling spiteful, he might have hired some Specialists to come deal with you."
And just like that, his relief was gone. Sighing, Jaune said, "Well, this is gonna suck, isn't it?"
She gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "I promise I'll make it up to you later."
"Won't that just make your dad even madder?"
"Honestly, I don't care anymore. If it's up to me, I'll never see him again after this."
Well, that was refreshing to hear. Giving himself a quick once-over, Jaune gave her a nod before rising to his feet, then moving over to the middle of the ring.
To his surprise, the only one there was Jacques.
Seeing him there, Jaune raised an eyebrow. "...Uh, what are you doing?"
"Fighting you," Jacques replied, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. He shrugged off his suit jacket, leaving him in just a collared shirt. Dropping the jacket on the ground, he began to pull off his stupid fucking clip-on tie.
Seriously, you're the CEO of the most powerful company on Remnant, yet you don't know how to tie a tie? Come on, dude.
"...Uh, you sure about this?" Jaune asked. "I mean, I'm a Huntsman-"
"I'm very sure," Jacques said, his voice even. Dropping his tie on the ground, he clenched and unclenched his hands before fixing Jaune with a harsh glare. "I will not take this slight against my family's honor lying down."
That was funny, considering how much Weiss liked to take it lying down. She was a total bottom. Jaune was honestly tempted to tell that straight to Jacques' face just to piss him off, but something told him that was a bad idea.
Finally, Jacques finished dressing down. Cracking his knuckles, he stared Jaune down.
"Let's go."
Jaune was confused. "The hell are you-"
He was completely unprepared for Jacques to suddenly rush him down, the father of three moving a lot faster than Jaune ever thought he would be capable of. Frantically, Jaune rolled to the side, drawing his sword and blindly slashing with it in the same motion. He felt the blade bounce off Jacques' chest, accompanied by… the ringing of steel?
What the fuck?
Hitting the ground, Jaune dropped into a roll, just in time to avoid an incoming fist from Jacques that cratered the floor. Jaune stared, his mouth agape, before shaking himself out of his stupor.
"H-hey, what the hell is going on? How are you so strong?!"
For the first time since Jaune had met the man, Jacques Schnee smirked. Reaching for his collared shirt, the businessman tore it off, allowing everyone to see what was underneath.
Every single jaw in the room hit the floor.
Firstly, Jacques looked nothing like how Jaune had expected him to look. Underneath all that businesswear, the man was ripped. He was broad-chested, with enormous arms and abs of pure steel. But that wasn't the most striking thing about his physique – no, that title belonged to the black mass situated directly over the center of his chest, which seemed to pulsate with every heartbeat.
Tentatively, Jaune pointed a shaking finger at it. "W-what the fuck is that?!"
Again, Jacques smirked. He replied with just two words, which Jaune could just tell he was never going to forget as long as he lived.
"Nanomachines, son!"
And that was the last thing Jaune heard before Jacques came flying towards him and knocked him out with one punch.
"You know, you could have warned me."
Weiss was shocked. "How was I supposed to know that Father had gotten worried about the White Fang and decided to have the military implant nanomachines in his chest? Moreover, how was I supposed to know that the nanomachines would harden in response to physical trauma, and that you couldn't hurt him?"
She handed him a fresh ice pack, and Jaune gave her a grateful nod as he swapped out the melted one he was holding over his face for the fresh one. He was just about to place it over his eye when Weiss gently grabbed his hand, preventing him from doing so.
"Let me see it," she said.
Jaune sighed, then did as he was told, turning to face her. She blinked, but otherwise didn't react, which made him sigh again.
"Sorry. You must think I'm the ugliest guy in the world right now."
That earned a scoff and an eye roll from her. "Please. I think you're the dumbest guy in the world, not the ugliest. Now come here."
She pulled him up into a seated position, then gently pressed her lips against his. They both pulled away after a moment, Weiss looking very bashful.
"I… believe I promised you what would happen if you agreed to this," she stated.
Jaune instantly caught her meaning, and his eyes widened. "If you don't want to-"
"Oh, no, it's not that. It's just… well, it's weird, that I'll be doing it in my own room. I've got no problems, um..."
"...Blowing me?"
"Yes, that."
Of course. Leave it to Weiss to be willing to perform the act, but not use the term. Years away from her family, and she was still prissy as ever.
"Now then," she announced, "Pants off. I'm going to make this one to remember."
Her tone left no room for argument. Jaune nodded in understanding, and after discarding the unneeded garment, laid back. Weiss took up the proper position, giving him one last look.
"Ready, Jaune?"
A nod from him was all it took. A moment later, and Jaune was forced to bite back a loud moan. He felt his lower lip actually start to bleed from just how hard he had bitten it. Twin handfuls of bed sheets kept him from thrashing around, as much as he wanted to – each movement from Weiss was sending jolts up and down his spine. It was nothing short of pure ecstasy. Jaune was in paradise.
So much so that he almost didn't notice the barely-audible beeping noise coming from the edge of the room. Instantly, he paused. Bringing a hand up, he signaled for Weiss to stop, which she did.
"Jaune?" she asked, confused. "Is something wrong? Was it not good?"
"Wha- no! No, it was great! It's just… I think there's something strange going on here."
"What do you me-"
He held up a hand again, making her pause. Cupping a hand around his ear, he again listened for the beep. It took a moment, but once again, he heard it. And this time, so did Weiss.
Instantly, she frowned. "What's that noise?"
He wasn't sure, but he was going to find out. Standing tall, he moved over to the edge of the room, searching for the source. Finally, he found it: an old family portrait. Scowling, he picked up the portrait and looked at it, only for all the color to drain from his face at what he saw.
"Um, Weiss?"
"Yes?"
"...Is it weird for your family to hide cameras in their photos?"
For just a moment, it looked like she couldn't make heads or tails of what he was saying. But then reality set in.
"Oh Gods, we're so dead," Weiss proclaimed.
"We're dead? You mean I'm dead! When your dad finds out about this, I'm done for!" Jaune replied.
"Well, don't look at me! This was your idea!"
"You're the one who decided to do it now! In fact, you're the one who brought me here in the first place!"
"You're the one who agreed to it!"
"I faked all my orgasms!"
The sound of running feet suddenly caught their attention, followed by the door being thrown open. Instantly, Jaune's hands went to cover his modesty, though he knew it would do little to save him from a pissed-off Jacques.
He was surprised, then, that it wasn't Jacques who was standing there.
"Mother?" Weiss asked, confused.
Willow looked almost unrecognizable. Her hair was frazzled and out of its usual ponytail, she had a bottle of liquor in one hand while the other was coated in some unidentifiable liquid, and her scroll was poking out from between her breasts.
Oh, and she was dressed only in a set of lingerie.
Jaune immediately averted his eyes, not wanting his girlfriend to see him oggling her mother. Silently, he thanked the Gods that he was already erect before Willow showed up… and then immediately took that shit right back, because the Gods were huge dicks who didn't deserve to be thanked.
Anyway, out of the corner of his eye, he could see that Weiss didn't know what to think. She seemed completely dumbfounded by this entire situation. Finally, she cleared her throat.
"Mother," she began, "why are you dressed only in your underwear and in my room?"
Part of Jaune wanted to point out just how much that line sounded like it came out of some bad porn movie, but he knew better than to do that. Weiss' temper had mellowed slightly since Beacon, but he wasn't about to test it.
In any case, Willow's only reply was to take a big gulp of alcohol before looking back at her daughter, her expression very much resembling a kicked puppy's.
"I-I jes… y'know, wanted s-some action. M'fingers don' do it for me anymore..."
"Your fingers? What do you-"
In that moment, Weiss realized what Willow was telling her, much to her displeasure.
"Mother, ew! That's disgusting!"
"Whaa…? No, ish not. Ish perfec'ly natural. Everyone does it. Right, Jaune?"
Oh, great, now he was being brought into this.
"Jaune does not do that!" Weiss replied, bristling. "That is a disgusting habit, and no boyfriend of mine will be caught doing it!"
Funny of her to say, since from what Yang had told him, Weiss had been a bit of a horndog herself back at Beacon, when she thought everyone else in the room was asleep. Sure, she could act all high-and-mighty, but that wouldn't change the fact that everyone on her team had heard her masturbate at least a few times. Hell, Yang had even once joined in for the hell of it, just to see if Weiss would find out, which she hadn't.
That means that Blake probably has, too. You can't surround a pervert with something like that and expect them not to go nuts with it.
And once again, he was very thankful that he had already been erect when all this started, otherwise there would have been trouble between him and Weiss.
Willow shrugged off what Weiss said, instead going for another nip from her bottle. Weiss looked at her in disbelief as she drained the bottle, only for her disbelief to turn to disappointment when Willow looked genuinely sad that she had drank all her vodka.
This woman is actually drinking straight vodka right out of the bottle.
Weiss had warned him that her mother liked the sauce a bit too much, but this was ridiculous. He had figured that Willow would be into some stereotypical rich person drink like fancy artisan wine, or knowing her family's legacy, the tears of Faunus laborers mixed with pure ethanol. Seeing her drink basic vodka was surprising in that she'd lower herself down to such a thing, but not surprising in that she probably didn't care about the taste of what she was drinking and only wanted to get plastered as fast as possible.
It reminded him of his own mother, only Mama Arc wasn't just drinking the cheap shit because she wanted to get hammered, she was also drinking it because that's what she could afford. Say what you would about the woman's drinking habit, but she at least had the sense of mind not to spend too much of her money on alcohol, even though she drank like a fish.
Of course, that hadn't stopped her from calling up Jaune the moment she had found out he was dating a Schnee, then immediately and loudly encouraging him to hurry up and put a ring on it so they could all finally stop being in the poor house, but still.
That was an embarrassing conversation to have with Weiss.
Speaking of his girlfriend, she was currently staring at Willow, looking very exasperated.
"Okay, so you were… um..."
"Mashturbinating."
"…Not quite, but okay. You were doing that. May I ask why?"
"'Cuz seeing you and Jaune get it on really got me going."
Instantly, the color drained from Weiss' face. "...W-what?"
Jaune felt sympathetic to her, because she sounded like she was about to throw up.
Willow, on the other hand, nodded as if nothing was wrong. "Yee, I've got these cameras set up in every room. They're s'posed to help me get some dirt on Jackass, but I've found that they're just as good at letting me perv on people. Caught a lot of the staff bangin'. Tonight, I caught you and him."
"And… and y-you decided to-" Weiss cut herself off to swallow the bile rising up in her throat. "Y-you decided to… pleasure yourself… to the two of us?"
Willow waved her off like it was the most casual thing in the world. "Nah, just to Jaune. Wanted to pretend like I was the one suckin' him."
"Mother, I was still in the video! That's awfully close to incest, don't you think?!"
"What? No, I was doin' it to Jaune, not you. It's fiiiine, don't be such a priss."
Weiss looked like she wanted to throw up. She looked to Jaune for help, but truthfully, he didn't know what to do. Weiss had warned him to expect some craziness with her family, but this was far out of his league.
This was just his luck, too. Leave it to him to get the sweetest girlfriend on Remnant, only for her fucking family to ruin everything. He'd always figured that it'd be his family that would be the problem, but compared to the Schnees, the Arcs were downright normal.
And speaking of abnormal, Willow finally decided to really focus on him, because apparently his life wasn't painful enough already.
"Hey, handsome," she purred. Cocking her hips, she gazed at him with a sultry look. "Like what you see? My offer from earlier still stands."
Oh, he absolutely liked what he saw. This woman seriously looked like a stereotypical MILF porn star – she aged about as well as the fine wine she consumed by the gallon. What the fuck was wrong with Jacques that he would give up on someone like her? At this point, Jaune was starting to suspect that the man wasn't just a total bastard, but he was also stuck in the closet, because fuck, Willow was smoking.
Not that he'd ever do anything about it, of course - he cared about Weiss far too much to ever cheat on her.
Naturally, he never got a chance to reply, because Weiss took that moment to grab hold of one of his arms and pull him close, the whole time glaring daggers at her mother. Just as well, because he probably would have said something that just made things worse.
"Mother," Weiss began, "This has gone on long enough. I think it's time we left."
"Oh, are you sure about that?" Willow asked. "Maybe Jaune would like to stay the night."
"I was considering letting him stay the night here with me until I found out how thirsty you are. Now, I know better." She seemed to read his mind at that moment, because she quickly looked over at him. "That's not a dig at you, by the way – I know you'd never cheat on me. I just don't trust my mother not to tie you down and force herself on you."
Well, that was a relief. At least she wasn't the jealous type.
"I don't think there'd be much forcing going on there," Willow replied. "I'm perfectly capable of seducing a man."
"Then why haven't you? You're so thirsty that I can only assume the last time you got any action was when Father last slept with you almost a decade ago."
"Are you saying I'm not attractive?"
"I'm just saying that we can't stay youthful forever, Mother. Make of that what you will."
"You little brat! I'll show you!"
And then, before anyone could do anything, Willow reached up and unclasped her bra, letting it fall to the ground. Jaune felt his face flush red as he hurriedly looked away. Weiss may not have been the jealous type yet, but he wasn't going to give her an excuse to start acting like it.
"Jaune, what do you think of these?" Willow asked. "Sexy, right? Much better than Weiss' mosquito bite boobs."
He wisely chose not to comment.
"Mosquito bites, are they?" Weiss challenged. "I'll have you know that Jaune loves my breasts! Tell her, Jaune!"
Oh Gods, this was actually happening. Why was this actually happening? It was like his whole life had just turned into some shitty comedy or something.
Jaune hesitated, unsure of what to do. "I… Um..."
"Tell her!" Weiss urged. "Tell my mother you like my breasts, Jaune!"
"I love Weiss' breasts," Jaune finally willed himself to say. "They're very perky. Perfectly shaped, and firm like… um… bags of sand."
He honestly wasn't sure what to compare boobs to. Apparently, Weiss wasn't happy with his description of them, so he quickly decided to amend it.
"They're very nice," he hurriedly added. "Firm, but not too firm. Perfect in every respect with… um… the cutest little nipples."
"Tell her how much you like to suck on them."
"I like sucking on Weiss' breasts. Like, a lot. You wouldn't believe how much I enjoy it. Sometimes she gives me a handjob while I suck on them. It's… um… very nice."
Good Gods, this was awkward. Part of him hoped that would be the end of it, but he knew better than to hope – hope was a killer in situations like this. Instead, he braced for what he knew was coming, that being even more retardation.
And as it turned out, he was completely right.
Willow snarled at her daughter, then turned around and poked out her butt. "Jaune, what do you think of my ass? Very shapely, right? Much better than Weiss' flat butt, don't you think?"
Okay, that was just unfair. Every part of Weiss was nice, that was true, but Willow's ass looked like it was carved from marble. He wasn't sure what kind of exercises the woman did, but holy shit, they were doing work. He wasn't even really an ass man, but Willow's was just something else.
And Weiss seemed to realize it, because her face suddenly flushed red.
"Well… I have something that's better!" Weiss challenged.
Willow looked smug. "Oh, yeah? What would that be, little girl?"
"I can do this and have it not be weird!"
And then, before Jaune could do anything, Weiss took his hand and snaked it under her skirt, then rested it inside her panties. He froze when he felt it brush against the familiar tuft of carefully-groomed white hair.
Somehow, I can tell that things just went from bad to worse.
One look at Willow's face was enough to prove him right. The woman was seething. Apparently, the thought of her daughter getting plenty of action while she couldn't get any was very aggravating to her. Typical femcel behavior, and everything. It was like look into a real-life version of r/FemaleDatingStrategies.
Weird to think of a woman who's married and has kids like that, but apparently you can't even pay someone to fuck you if you're a worthless drunk married to the most powerful man in the world.
Honestly, that was the only real explanation he could think of. Basically anyone with a working penis would consider it a fucking privilege to even see Willow naked, let alone get to actually sleep with her. The fact that she couldn't get any action at all meant that either her personality was terrible, Jacques kept threatening to black bag anyone who tried getting with her, or some combination of the two.
Willow must have known it, too. Because at that point, the gloves were coming off. She was going to play dirty.
"You think you've beaten me, Weiss? I have not yet begun to fight! Hey, Jaune, look at this!"
He didn't dare. To do so would be to sign his own death warrant. He knew what she was going to do, and you couldn't have paid him all the lien in the world to look.
He heard the sound of fabric hitting the floor, and knew that Willow's panties had just joined her bra. The woman was standing there, clad only in a set of white thighhighs and a white garter belt. The mere thought of it left him torn – that is, all the blood in his body was torn between rushing to his face and rushing to his penis.
Pleasegodownpleasegodownpleasegodowndon'tletWeisssee.
But it was not to be. This was one of those erections that you can't hide – the kind that comes at the most inopportune time. This was on par with that time when he was thirteen and he had gotten a massive stiffy for no reason in the middle of giving a presentation in history class. The only differences were that now it wasn't exactly a random unwanted erection, and this wasn't a situation he could look back and laugh at. No, this time he was truly stuck between a rock and a hard place.
This must be what Hell is like, he mused to himself. Stuck there with one hand in a hot girl's pants, with your penis two-hundred percent erect, and her hot mom standing there naked and ready to go, but with you unable to do anything about it for fear of provoking someone. This was like the X-rated version of a Vacuan Standoff, the only things missing were a tumbleweed rolling by and the background music switching to 'Ecstasy of Gold'.
And then, to make things worse, Willow decided to speak.
"What do you think, Jaune? Much better than Weiss, huh?"
Don'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlo-
"Go ahead, Jaune," Weiss said, to his surprise. "You can look. After all, it'll just make it all the more sweeter when you confirm for yourself that I'm hotter than her."
Was this actually fucking happening? Was he getting punk'd? This was too good to be true. What next, was Winter going to come out of nowhere and join in? Maybe Penny would pop out of nowhere and decide to get some action, too. Hell, maybe things would get really crazy and Yang would actually get back all the character she had lost when Beacon fell.
That last one was a joke. Even the Gods weren't miracle workers like that.
But anyway, he had been gifted a golden opportunity here. He wasn't about to waste it.
Tentatively, he cast a glance over at Willow… and for just a moment, he was blinded by its majesty. It was… it was Heaven. So familiar, yet still different. Childbirth hadn't ruined Willow at all. Sure, she wasn't nearly as youthful as Weiss, but she had been blessed with the kind of body that any older woman would have killed to have. Weiss beat her out in terms of sheer leanness, but Willow was far from fat – rather, she was curvy. But there was one big thing that surprised him.
Unlike Weiss, Willow was shaved bare.
Okay, that was too much for him to take. He had seen what mortal eyes were not meant to see. If things escalated any further, his poor heart was going to give out. But it wasn't like they could get much worse, right? Like, what was the worst that could happen?
As if she had read his mind and decided to spite him, Weiss glared at her mother. "Well, it doesn't matter what you do, Mother. You can't have Jaune."
"We shall see about that," Willow said.
Jaune took that moment to pull his hands out of Weiss' panties, anticipating that something stupid was about to happen. As it turned out, he couldn't have been more right.
Both Schnee women launched themselves at each other using their glyphs, colliding in a tangle of limbs. What followed was… actually pretty pathetic. As it turned out, while the Schnee family was full of accomplished swordswomen, none of them could throw a punch to save their lives. The end result was a lot of slapping, hair pulling, and biting.
Oh, and Willow was still functionally naked, so that was great. Because things weren't weird enough, apparently. Now he got to watch Weiss as she and her mother fought like a pair of high school bitches, all while the latter's tits and cooch were exposed to the world. He wasn't sure what was worse, the fact that they were actually doing this or the fact that neither of them seemed to care that Willow was fucking naked right in front of her own daughter. Needless to say, this shit was weird.
Jaune just stared at them, unsure of what to do. What was a man supposed to do when his cute girlfriend and her super-hot mother got into a naked slapfight over his dick? As it turned out, he had exactly the answer.
"I wonder if Oscar is still down to go the movies," he said aloud, as he moved over to the nearest window. Throwing it open, he jumped out, falling a few stories before landing in a roll. Standing up, he brushed himself off before starting to walk away, whistling a small tune as he did so.
There was a loud crash behind him, and he increased both his pace and the volume of his whistling as he went.
He already had to deal with one pissed-off Schnee woman whenever Weiss' PMS struck. You couldn't pay him to deal with two, especially when one of them wanted him to cheat on his girlfriend and his girlfriend was dangerously close to letting him out of some bizarre sense of one-upsmanship. He was a classy guy, thank you, and as hot as Willow may have been, there was only one Schnee for him.
A shame she was just as crazy as the rest, but hey, part of him liked crazy… to an extent.
"At least the make-up sex will be out of this world," Jaune said to himself as he finally reached the main road.
As he found out later that night, it totally was. Just one more reason to keep dating Weiss and putting up with her crazy-ass family, he supposed. But that was fine – she was worth it.
Thought about doing another tsundere chapter and got 1,000 or so words into it before realizing that I kind of hate tsunderes, and also that tsundere Weiss is sort of a dead meme at this point. Sorry my guys, but it wasn't going to happen. Instead, you get Weiss and her fucked-up family.
Also, hey, a setting that isn't Beacon for once! I figured that as long as I was going to try something unexpected, I might as well go for a new setting. Truthfully, if I wasn't going to go with tsundere Weiss, there wasn't a whole lot else to go with – Weiss' whole thing is being frosty in her early character arcs, and since I didn't want to do that because fuck tsunderes, that really only left one option. But at least I got a few shots in at the fact that she's flat as a board, yeah?
Also, I get that Weiss' family kind of dominated this chapter, so I think I'll eventually do a prequel chapter showing her and Jaune at Beacon or something. Someone should keep a running track of chapters I owe you guys - off the top of my head, there's the Yang chapter that I said I would do a sequel for, the Ruby chapter I said I would redo, and now the Weiss chapter that needs a prequel. You know, in addition to all the other characters I'm gonna have to do. And those are all coming... just, you know, eventually/when the inspiration strikes.
Next update: Saturday, August 8.