Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 19: Ilia, or: This Girl (?) Has a Funny Face

"You can't pick who you fall in love with, Jaune."

As he stared at the scene in front of him, his mother's words echoed in his mind. In a way, Mama Arc had been absolutely correct – Jaune had been absolutely smitten with his girlfriend pretty much the instant he had gotten to know her. He couldn't help it – she was… well, she was just amazing, in every sense of the word. It had taken quite a bit of time to get her to open up, but when she finally had, he had discovered that they were very similar in a lot of ways, and the two of them had clicked almost instantly. Naturally, they'd both still had secrets of their own, but he wasn't one to pry – as far as he was concerned, they were both still young, and there was plenty of time for them to open up.

He just wished it hadn't gone like this.

Jaune stared at his girlfriend, looking very unimpressed. From behind her mask, she stared back.

"...Um, this isn't what it looks like?" she ventured.

Jaune's only response was to sigh. Yeah, he wasn't stupid – he knew exactly what this was.

"When were you planning to tell me you were a White Fang member?"

"...Soon, I swear. It just… never came up in conversation."

Somehow, he didn't believe that. Once again, Jaune looked around their shared apartment, which was now a wreck, having been filled with containers of Dust, disassembled weapons shipments, bound and gagged SDC executives, and a few used condoms.

No, wait – those have always been there.

The condoms, that is, not the other stuff. Damn, this place was a pigsty. They really ought to spend some time cleaning it rather than just using it as an impromptu fuck shack.

"Okay," he began, "take it from the top."

Ilia nodded. "Well, it all started when I was born."

"Not that far from the top. I specifically meant the part where you decided to use our apartment as a safehouse for whatever the White Fang is trying to move."

"Oh. Right. Well, to explain that, we've gotta go allll the way back a few months."

He sighed softly. Somehow, he could tell this was going to turn into another one of Ilia's backstories. You'd think she'd get bored of telling them by this point, but apparently terrorists couldn't just be terrorists anymore, they all needed to have some kind of sympathetic backstory.

Don't get him wrong, he appreciated that Ilia wasn't completely evil since that would make her very hard to love, but at the same time it just got old, what with seemingly every bad guy having a Freudian excuse for it or something.

I swear, if it turns out that there's secretly a plot to overthrow Beacon and that the person behind it really just wants to fuck their mother – either figuratively or literally – I'm going to fucking lose it.

You laugh, but that's far from the most retarded motivation there'd be for someone to do something. Hell, he still didn't know why anyone else on his team even wanted to go to Beacon, and he had known them for several months already. Maybe that was why he preferred hanging out with his girlfriend over them – they just were just shallow characters, so to speak.

Oh hey, Ilia was still talking. It would probably be a good idea to listen in.

"-So then Blake had to sit me down and explain that just because you're someone's friend, that doesn't mean you can just wear their underwear-"

Ah, nope; they were back on the whole Blake thing. Normally he'd try steering her away from that topic, but he knew better. Teenage girls got fucking crazy when it came to their first crush, and he wasn't about to risk opening up that can of worms again. Still, it was kind of a shame – he was hoping Ilia had been over Blake since she had stopped trying to get him to dress like her, but apparently not.

To be fair, I do wear that stuff pretty damn well.

Not his fault he made that outfit look good. Absolutely hetero, by the way.

Also, wasn't it weird that Blake apparently knew Ilia, yet never said a single thing in reference to the fact that they knew each other? Granted, maybe that was because it had never come up (Jaune wasn't about to risk bringing Ilia anywhere near Blake after seeing how obsessed she got, hence the need to get an apartment rather than let Ilia visit him at Beacon), but from how Ilia told it, the two of them were best friends.

Note to self: don't ever mention that Blake has never talked about her, because then you'll probably have to deal with a very sad chameleon.

"-Are you paying attention?"

His girlfriend's voice snapped him out of it. Shaking his head, Jaune looked over to her, finding her staring back from behind his mask with a questioning gaze. Clearly, she didn't think he had been listening. Fortunately for him, the opposite was true – in fact, he had been vaguely paying attention the whole time, just not with his entire brain. Multitasking was a skill he had been quick to develop when it came to dealing with someone as overly dramatic as Ilia, mostly because he had learned early on that loving her included being able to tune out the melodramatic bullshit every now and again.

That probably sounds callous of him, but you can blame a guy for wanting to get through at least a few quiet evenings together without politics entering into the equation somehow? You'd go nuts too if your dinner dates kept getting ruined because your girlfriend wouldn't stop bringing up civil rights issues over and over again.

"Right, so let me get this straight," Jaune began. "You're actually a member of a massive terrorist organization spanning all of Remnant, which is how you met Blake. That's not important to what you were telling me, but it explains a lot, so I'm making a note of it. Anyway, your leader tasked you with finding a spot for all of this shit, because someone tipped off the cops and told them where your safe houses are. So, being the good White Fang grunt you are, you agreed, and decided to put this stuff in the one place you thought nobody would look, that being here. Am I on the right track so far?"

Ilia blinked, seemingly surprised that he had actually been following along. "Uh, pretty much."

Thank you, multi-tasking abilities.

Coming back to the real world, Jaune continued. "Of course, you failed to account for one big problem with this plan, that being that if the authorities know who you are, they could easily just trace where you've been and find out that you live here."

'Live' was actually being rather generous – in truth, they really only spent weekends here. Otherwise, Jaune was at Beacon, and Ilia… well, apparently she was out doing terrorist things. He wasn't quite sure what that consisted of, but he was reasonably sure that he probably didn't want to find out, given the kind of videos that tended to float around online.

Killing people was one thing, but sticking them in fursuits was just heinous. If he didn't love Ilia so much, that would be grounds for an immediate breakup, but as it was now, he was willing to look the other way.

"Actually, that's wrong," Ilia stated. "The cops don't know about me, because I wear a mask and can change my appearance."

"Right, but how many chameleon Faunus are floating around out there, anyway? And didn't you attend a private school in Atlas at one point? Pretty sure they would be able to realize that the chameleon Faunus who's running around fucking things up with the White Fang is the same person who was going to their prestigious private school, especially once they start putting two and two together and realize that it didn't take long after you left for terrorist things to start happening."

That made her pause. "…Ah. So, um, what should I do?"

The obvious answer was 'leave the White Fang'… so naturally, that's what he told her.

"Leave the White Fang."

Unfortunately, her response was predictable.

"No, Jaune. No, I won't leave the White Fang. Not until I've gotten vengeance for the loss of my parents, and helped free Faunus from the shackles of their oppress-"

"Blake would probably be very disappointed to know that you're still in it, what with her leaving and all."

"You know what? The White Fang is overrated." Pulling off her mask, she unceremoniously dumped it on the floor before grinding it beneath her heel, breaking it. "Anyway, let's get lunch."

Jaune was actually surprised it had worked that well. "What about all this stuff?"

Ilia just waved him off. "What, this bullshit? Forget about it. I'm not part of the White Fang anymore; Adam can go fuck himself for all I care."

Surprising that she was just now saying that, considering that Adam was the one responsible for most of Blake's misery. If he was being honest, nothing that Ilia really did was ever all that consistent. She was almost like an enigma, if the answer to that enigma was 'do whatever would make Blake happy.'

But still, he couldn't help but love her.

Taking his hand, she gestured to the door. "Come on, I'm starving. Moving all this stuff into the apartment was a lot of work."
Well, as abrupt as this seemed to be, she wouldn't get any arguments from him. Not like her deciding to stop being a terrorist could lead to anything bad.

...Right?

In retrospect, he probably should have expected that Ilia wouldn't be able to just leave the White Fang without a fight, both because it made sense that a terrorist group wouldn't just let its members go and because her being able to just walk out wasn't nearly retarded enough for his life.

A shame, too – he had actually been optimistic that things had been going his way for a while. That had lasted through the end of the week, when he had decided to head back to his fuck sha- er, apartment so he could see Ilia, as he was wont to do these days.

"Ilia?" he called, setting down the plastic bag that definitely wasn't filled with just condoms and bottles of lube for the weekend. "You here?"

There was no response, of course… except some muffled shouting from the SDC executive who was still tied to a chair in the middle of the room. Jaune focused on the man, his eyes narrowing in surprise.

That's odd – I thought I told Ilia to take out the trash last week. Why's he still here?

He didn't get a chance to wonder about anything beyond that, as something clocked him over the head. He fell to the ground, clutching at his skull and wincing… but unlike the movies, he didn't instantly fall unconscious. Apparently, his attacker hadn't expected that, as they kept trying to beat him up even more. Unfortunately, they sucked at knocking people out, so really all they were doing was beating the shit out of him.

"W-wait!" Jaune shouted, causing them to instantly freeze. "Look, whatever you're trying to do, it's clearly not working! Stop trying to beat me up and I'll do whatever you want!"

His attacker didn't say anything, which he took as his cue to look back at them. To his surprise, it wasn't just one person, it was five.

How can you have five people trying to knock someone out, and also have all of them be so bad at it?

Oh, and they were also all in the White Fang if their masks were any indication, so that was just great. As if he didn't have enough problems, now they were going to do unspeakably horrific things to him, like stick him in a fursuit or start lecturing him about his human privilege or something. Still, he supposed that, heinous as those things were, they were still better than him ending up on the front page of Liveleak, so he didn't resist when they stripped him down to his underwear and tied him up, then put him in a chair across from the SDC executive.

The man across from him seemed horrified to see him, and Jaune just rolled his eyes.

"Oh, shut up. This isn't exactly a fun time for me, either. And my eyes are up here, by the way."

Unfortunately, that was just about the only snappy comment he would get to make, as the White Fang members all took up positions across from him. For the first time, he got a look at them.

Of the five of them, there were three men and two women. He could only tell what kind of Faunus three of them were, those being a deer Faunus, a dog Faunus, and a bat Faunus. The other two, he wasn't sure about – one of them had purple veins criss-crossing all over her body, and the other one didn't have any identifiable trait, though he was fucking huge and carrying a chainsaw-sword.

Oh, great. Not only am I getting interrogated by the White Fang, but they even sent Big Chungus to do it. As if today couldn't get any worse.

Thankfully, they didn't get right to asking him to check his privilege or something… in fact, they didn't seem to know what to do now. That caused him to raise an eyebrow.

"So, you guys gonna do something, or…?"

They exchanged a glance. "...I dunno," the one with bat wings said, shrugging. "We didn't think we'd actually get this far."

Vein-girl nodded in agreement. "Generally, Ilia handled the whole 'capture and interrogate thing'. She was kind of our most effective member, aside from Adam and Blake." The giant rumbled behind her, and she sighed. "...Okay, fine – I guess Bane is pretty good, too." He rumbled again, this time in a much more content tone.

"...Bane?" Jaune asked. For some reason the vein in the side of his neck flexed when he said it.

"Aye," the man with dog ears said. At that moment, the man with bat wings perked up, a smile crossing his face.

"Get 'em on board, I'll call it-" Deer Antlers suddenly slapped him. "Ow! What was that for?!"

"Don't start that shit now," she admonished.

He looked away, grumbling. She glared at him before turning back to Jaune, who was very confused.

"Look, I have no idea what this is about," he stated. "Can someone actually explain what's going on?"

"It's quite simple," Vein-Girl said. "You did something to force Ilia out of the White Fang. We're here to get her back."

"Yeah, I convinced her that she was better off out of the White Fang. And that still doesn't explain why you decided to come in here and start beating me up."

"...Admittedly, we didn't think Ilia would be living here with a man, so we panicked and figured that you were trying to break in to do something unseemly," Glasses replied.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's just that she's a les-" Deer Antlers elbowed him, earning a glare from him. "What is it now, Deery?"

"He doesn't know, Perry," she replied.

"Yeah, so we should tell him."

"You idiot, don't you know basic etiquette? You're not supposed to out someone, you're supposed to let the person explain themselves! It's common courtesy!"

"...Oh," he said, sounding actually apologetic, much to Jaune's surprise. "My bad. Yeah, I guess it really isn't our spot to explain, then."

"No, please explain," Jaune begged.

"Sorry, buddy – not our place. I'm sure you understand."

No, in fact he didn't understand. The only thing he 'understood' about this whole situation was that it was perhaps the worst interrogation he'd ever been through, considering there was approximately zero interrogating going on. Needless to say, he wanted off this wild ride as fast as possible.

"Okay, then what do you want?" Jaune asked. "I mean, it's clear you're here for Ilia, and she isn't here yet. She also probably wouldn't take too kindly to finding out you beat me up and tied me to a chair."

"Why not?" Bat Wings asked.

"Well, it's just that I'm her boyfriend."

All five White Fang members exchanged a glance with each other. Then, to Jaune's dismay, they all started laughing. He stared, confused, as they completely lost it.

"Okay, what's going on?" he asked.

"Ah, good one," Perry replied. "Yeah, like we'd believe Ilia would ever date someone like you."

"Not that that's an insult against you, or anything," Deery said. "You're just not her type."

Jaune raised an eyebrow. "...Because I'm human?"

"Sure, let's go with that," Vein-Girl stated, clearly growing impatient. "Look, we're wasting time here. Let's figure something out, then go back to looking for Ilia."

"Look, if you don't have any use for me, can you just let me go?" Jaune begged.

"Why would we do that? We have a perfectly good opportunity to practice our interrogation skills right now."

"But you have an SDC executive sitting on the couch. Don't you guys have it in for the SDC?"

Perry waved him off. "Executives break way too easily. Look, that guy's already pissed his pants, and we haven't even done anything to him."

Jaune cast a glance over to the couch. True to Perry's words, the man had indeed already pissed himself.

Gods damn it, I liked that couch.

"Well, if you're not gonna use that guy, can you at least get rid of him for me?"

The White Fang all exchanged a glance before looking over to Bane. He grunted, then walked over to the man, bringing up his chainsword in the process.

"Whoa, whoa, wait!" Jaune called, instantly stopping the big man in his tracks. "I didn't mean kill him!"

"We're White Fang," Vein-Girl pointed out. "What else did you expect was going to happen when you asked us to get rid of an SDC executive?"

"I don't know, throw him out a window or something? Anything but killing him!"

"I mean, the guy's got a point," Perry admitted. "I'm a terrorist, not a murderer."

"There's very little difference," Bat Wings replied. "Trifa and I actually are murderers. Assassins, to be precise."

"Or so you claim. I still haven't seen any evidence that you've actually killed anyone."

Vein-Girl – Trifa – bristled. "We totally did!"

"Uh-huh. And how many SDC members are you going to claim this time? Six each?"

Yuma stood up proudly. "If you must know, I've killed like twelve. Trifa has gotten five."

"Oh, fuck you, Yuma," Trifa said, rolling her eyes. "I've gotten at least twenty."

"You couldn't kill twenty flies, Trifa."

"Oh, nice joke. Make fun of the spider Faunus for eating flies, why don't you? And I thought humans were the racist ones."

"Who said anything about eating flies?"

Trifa paused, her face reddening slightly from behind her mask. "...Point."

"Anyway," Perry continued, "I'm calling bullshit until I see some pics of your kills, especially since a week ago you were both claiming eight and ten kills, respectively."

"We decided that assists count as kills if you do enough damage," Yuma chimed in.

"Dude, this isn't a video game, it's real life. Don't try that shit here, especially since only losers who aren't good actually like that mechanic."

"Guys, please," Jaune said, exasperated. "Please, can you just… I don't know, defenestrate him or something?"

The White Fang all looked disgusted.

"Why on Remnant would we want to do that?" Deery asked. "We're not animals!"

"What are you talking about? I asked to defenestrate him, not whatever it is you're thinking of."

He honestly had no idea what they meant… or rather, he didn't until he saw the men – Bane excluded – protectively cover their groins. Jaune sighed tiredly.

"Look, to defenestrate someone means to throw them out a window. I know it sounds awfully close to 'castrate', but-"

"Ah, I get it," Yuma said. "You should have just said so in the first place. Bane, do us a favor and castrate that executive, would you?"

Before Jaune could beg him to spare the man's balls, Bane simply took the executive and threw him out the window. Jaune watched in confusion before shaking his head and turning back to the White Fang.

"...Okay, then. So, are we still doing this interrogation thing?"

"Of course!" Perry replied. "What, you really think we'd just let an opportunity like this go to waste?"

"I mean, you're doing a pretty good job of wasting it right now."

"Shut up! Anyway, we'll be asking the questions here, like… um..."

"How did you convince Ilia to leave in the first place?" Trifa asked.

Jaune sighed tiredly. "Simple: I laid out the facts and explained to her that staying as a terrorist was probably very bad for her long-term health. Also, I told her that Blake wouldn't approve."

"Ohhh," Yuma said, nodding. "Yeah, that makes sense – her and Blake were practically connected at the hip… uh, not in the way that Ilia wanted, but-"

"What Yuma is trying to say," Deery interrupted, glaring at the bat Faunus, "is that we understand now. Quite devious of you, exploiting Ilia's feelings for Blake like that."

"Thanks, I try," Jaune said in response. "There, you have your answer. Can I go now?"

"No way, we're just getting started. Up next… um..." Deery paused, trying her best to think of something else to ask him. Unfortunately, she seemed to come up empty. "...You wouldn't happen to know about any top-secret plans that Atlas has going on, would you?"

Jaune simply gave her a deadpan stare. She frowned, then turned to the rest of her friends. "Right, I'm open to ideas."

"Oh, oh!" Perry said. "Ask him if there's anything good in the fridge, I'm starving."

"You could just open it and check for yourself."

"But it's all the way over there, and I'm over here. Besides, it's not like we're short on time."

Again, Jaune sighed tiredly. "I think there's some leftover cheesecake from last weekend in there." Perry's face brightened up. "It's Ilia's though, and I don't think she'd appreciate you eating it." At that, his face fell.

"My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined," Perry deadpanned. "Anyone else? Trifa?"

"Alright, I guess I can come up with something," Trifa said. "What's it like being a human? Does racism just come naturally to you, or is it something you have to actively cultivate?"

"It comes naturally, of course," Jaune replied, his tone completely neutral. "Every day when I wake up, the first words out of my mouth are me complaining about how much I hate Faunus. Gods above, I can't stand them. Ever since I was a toddler, I was always hating Faunus. My first words when I learned how to speak were quoting crime statistics. Did you know that despite making up only thirty percent of the Remnant population-"

"Alright, alright – a simple 'I choose not to answer' would have sufficed."

Somehow, he doubted that. "Anyone else?" Jaune offered. Nobody said anything, so he looked over to Bane. "How about you, big guy?"

"For y-" Yuma began, only for Deery to slug him in the shoulder once more. "Ow! Come on, he's setting me up for these!"

The blond ignored him. "Well, if nobody has any questions for me, I've got a few for you: what the fuck is your plan, not just for the White Fang but for Ilia as well? Why are you so intent on bringing Ilia back into the fold when it's clear that she wants out? Why did you strip me down for this stupid interrogation? Why is that guy named Bane, was Death Guy or Mister Kill already taken or something?"

The White Fang didn't seem to know how to respond to his sudden tirade. They all exchanged a glance before Yuma cleared his throat.

"...Well, I guess we can answer those one at a time," he offered. "Starting with the easiest one: Bane obviously isn't his real name. It's actually short for Banesaw, and the reason why it's so edgy is because his real name is kind of embarrassing."

The big man loudly grumbled, causing Yuma to sigh. "Yeah, dude, I know – don't reveal your name."

"I still don't get it," Perry said aloud. "What's so embarrassing about being named Edward?"

Silence fell over the room for all of a few seconds.

"Perry!" Trifa yelled.

"Oh, damn it, I did it again! Sorry, Bane!"

Banesaw, for his part, took it in stride, apparently used to this sort of thing. He merely waved his comrade off. Deery, meanwhile, simply sighed.

"Yeah, I think it's easy to see why he changed his name. Not exactly the most intimidating name to have."

"Sure," Jaune replied. "But calling yourself Banesaw is just forced, yeah? Maybe try going for something a little less edgy?"

For the first time, the big man spoke.

"...Open to suggestions."

Jaune blinked. Wow, that was not the voice he had been expecting. The man had the voice of an angel, if that angel spoke in a deep baritone and was rippling with muscle. Oh, and if they were also a terrorist, couldn't forget that.

"Right, um… how about something cool, but that doesn't sound like it was created by a teenager? Maybe something like Hush, or Quiet, or Mute since, you know, you're the quiet one? Or maybe since you're big, something like Oso?"

The man rumbled in thought, apparently satisfied. With that, Yuma stepped in.

"Anyway, we stripped you down because isn't that how interrogations are supposed to go? Like, it's meant to dehumanize you."

"Oh, that's what we were trying to do?" Perry chimed in. "I just thought it'd be funny."

"It was funny and dehumanizing."

"Wait, if we wanted to dehumanize him, wouldn't we have been better off dressing him like a Grimm, or like one of us?"

"You mean put him in a White Fang outfit?"

"It'd be very dehumanizing – they wouldn't even recognize him as human."

"Who's they? Plus, he could never pass as a Faunus."

"There are plenty of Faunus who's traits aren't obvious at first glance. Just look at Bane – hell, I've known him for a while now and I'm still not sure what kind of Faunus he is. The only reason I haven't pegged him as human is because he really hates Schnees."

At that, Bane was broken out of his musing. "Schnees?" he asked, his eyes going wide. He reached for his chainsword, only for Deery to stop him by putting an arm on his shoulder.

"It's alright, Bane. Give me the sword."

Begrudgingly, he handed his weapon over. Deery almost collapsed under the thing's weight, but carefully set it aside, leaning it against the couch (and being careful to avoid the piss stains in the process). With that handled, Yuma turned back to Perry.

"Dude, be serious about this. Who would ever think this guy was one of us?"

"You never know," Perry replied. "In fact, I bet through some bizarre series of unfortunate events and slapstick, he might actually have it in him to take over the White Fang. All he'd have to do is kill Adam and get caught up in a big misunderstanding somehow, and he'd fit right in. And I think maybe Adam would hang around inside his head at some point, and Ilia would also keep dressing him up as Blake…?"

Deery suddenly slugged him, causing him to wince. "Alright, stop fooling around," she chastised. Turning to Jaune, she said, "Anyway, we want to bring Ilia back because she's our friend."

"Oh, well you're certainly doing a great job of proving that you're friends with her, what with this whole breaking-into-her-apartment thing you're doing. I'm sure she'll be thrilled to find out that you guys are here without her permission."

They all exchanged a glance. "...You really think she'll be mad?" Trifa asked.

"Gee, I don't know. Who could possibly be mad about someone breaking into their home? I know that if my friends broke into my house, tied up my boyfriend, and let some guy piss on my couch, I would definitely still consider them friends. In no way would I try to defenestrate them."

The men (sans Bane) all covered their groins again. The women, meanwhile, simply frowned.

"...Okay, so you may have a point," Deery conceded. "So, what do you suggest we do?"

"Leave, first off. Maybe try asking her if she even wants to come back before trying to convince her otherwise. You know, send her a scroll message or something… well, another scroll message, that is; presumably, you're here because the first one didn't go through or something."

They all suddenly looked very embarrassed, causing Jaune to blink. "You can't be serious," he deadpanned.

"In our defense, this all happened very quickly," Yuma ventured.

"You're all idiots. At this point, I'm convinced that the White Fang is more of a daycare than a terrorist group. How they get anything done with you lot involved is beyond me."

Seriously, you'd think that a multinational terrorist organization would accomplish a lot more than the White Fang had. I mean, what was their legacy? Protests? Riots? Maybe a few smashed business and murdered board members? Come on, that's rookie shit. Until people started getting mass Kaczynski'd or McVeigh'd, he wasn't going to be impressed.

Yes, I realize that I'm likely on a list now because I typed those two names one after the other. No, I don't care; I don't have a dog, so the odds of the ATF kicking down my door are marginally lower than they would be otherwise. But for those of you who are reading this and do have dogs… well, I guess I'll pour one out for you as you get Horiuchi'd or something.

Anyway, where were we? Oh, right – the White Fang being retarded. Yeah, if this was the best the White Fang had to offer, Jaune wasn't impressed, or even scared. Frankly, he pitied the Faunus for having to deal with idiots like this.

How come the most ardent defenders of either of our races are always the worst examples of it?

Seriously, you think the White Fang are bad, look at their human opposites. At least the White Fang got results, stupid as they were; meanwhile, all humanity got was fucking Cardin and Jacques Schnee. Talk about a raw deal.

"So, you never bothered to send her a message," Jaune finally said. "Do you really think she'll want to come back?"

Again, they exchanged a glance. "...Well," Perry offered, "when you put it that way..."

Jaune's only response was to sigh. "Just… explain to me why you want her back so bad, please."

"Well, that's simple," Trifa replied. "She's pretty much the most effective one out of all of us."

Yuma nodded in agreement. "Yup. She knew how to get things done. Granted, I'm pretty sure she was only so effective because she wanted to impress Blake, but still."

"That's also why we want her back," Perry explained. "We can't do shit without her. The only one who actually knows what he's doing with her gone is Bane, and we can't really rely on him since he gets triggered like a teenager on Mumblr whenever he sees any trace of a Schnee."

Behind his mask, Bane's eyes widened. "Schnee?!"

He reached for his sword, only for Deery to stop him once more. "It's alright, Bane. Give me the sword."

Bane obliged, handing over his sword. Deery took it and laid it with the other, only to pause. "...How many swords are you carrying, Bane?"

"...Seven," Bane replied, using what had to be his semblance to open a small pocket dimension and empty it of weapons, causing a small pile of swords to appear in the middle of Jaune's floor. "Seven swords."

"Bane, that is six swords too many… actually, it's seven swords too many, this is supposed to be a nonlethal stealth mission!"

"Yeah, how come Bane gets to bring his weapons?" Perry asked. "The rest of us had to leave ours back in the sewer."

Jaune raised an eyebrow. "Sewer?"

"Hideout, sewer, whatever. Point is, we had to leave ours at home."

"No, don't try and dodge my question, you fucker. You all live in a sewer?"

Deery sighed heavily. "Yes, we live in a sewer."

"Man, for real? Geez, and to think I was actually afraid of you guys. This is like watching a train wreck in slow motion."

"Shut up, human."

"Laugh all you want, it won't change the fact that you're all sleeping in knee-deep shit water, and that's being generous. Hell, after everything that's gone on over the past few minutes, I might just have a nice surprise waiting for all of you tonight. Just know that if you see a wad of tissues floating by in about two hours, that it's a gift from me."

"That's disgusting."

"So is beating the hell out of someone, stripping them down, tying them to a chair, and letting some crooked Schnee Dust Company executive piss on his couch."

"Schnee?!" Bane shouted.

Deery intercepted his sword as he pulled it out, shaking her head in the process. "Knew there would be an eighth… anyway, you're really still hung up on the couch?"

"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am! That was a genuine used Knislinge, only slightly coffee stained! Do you have any idea how much we paid at the discount store for that?!"

"...Like fifty bucks?"

"Sixty bucks, thank you!"

"Geez, and we're the pathetic ones," Perry quipped.

"We live in a sewer, Perry," Trifa answered.

"Yeah, but we're not broke students. I'd say that makes us a bit better off."

"We're so poor that we've been forced to eat canned beans for a week. The last time we were picking up groceries, a bunch of teenagers saw us and shouted 'These Faunigs eating beans', and then everyone laughed. And they weren't even human teenagers."

"...Okay, maybe we do have it bad, but can't you just give me this?"

"Look, can you people just go already?" Jaune begged. "Nothing good is coming of this. You're just embarrassing yourselves more and more with every passing second. Seriously, you really ought to just cut your losses and go before Ilia shows up."

Yuma opened his mouth to respond. He never got the chance though, because the front door began to jiggle. Instantly, everyone's eyes widened.

"It's Ilia!" Jaune hissed. "You'd better leave – she doesn't take kindly to intruders!"

He prayed that they were all dumb enough not to ask any questions. Thankfully, it seemed like he was right on the money, as they all immediately made a mad dash for the window. Luckily, it had already been opened from earlier, so they didn't break it over the course of their mad dash out.

Jaune watched as Trifa disappeared out the window, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw that they were all gone.

Finally, some peace and quiet.

The door opened, and Ilia stepped in. Immediately, she paused.

"...Jaune?" she asked. "Why are you tied up?"

Jaune blinked, unsure of how to explain things. Somehow, he didn't think she would buy him saying that her old 'friends' broke in and did this to him… and even if she did, he wasn't sure he wanted to admit to something so emasculating.

"...I, uh, came up with this as a surprise," he finally said. "Surprise."

She blinked. "...Are you saying you're offering yourself to me?"

"You bet! What do you think?"

For a moment, he was worried she wouldn't buy it. Thankfully, his fears were assuaged when a small smile grew across her face.

"Well, it's quite unexpected of you, and I'll admit that I can't quite figure out how you managed to tie yourself up, but if this is what you want, then I'd be happy to play along."
Jaune breathed a sigh of relief, then nodded. She took that as her cue, coming over to where he was seated and bending down to give him a kiss… only to pause, her nose wrinkling in disgust.

"What smells like pee?"

Thankfully, he didn't even have to lie.

"The SDC executive pissed himself, and got thrown out the window for it."

"Oh, damn, and I liked that couch. Ah, well."

"Yeah, it's a real shame. Moment of silence for the Knislinge, and all that. Anyway, do you mind letting me go?"

Ilia paused. Slowly, a sultry look crossed her face. "Now, why would I want to do that?" She looked over his body, then licked her lips. "From what I can see, you're right where I want you to be."

Jaune blinked, surprised, but didn't argue. Ilia moved over to him, settling onto his lap and hooking her arms around his neck before going in for a passionate kiss.

Now, Jaune had never been one for femdom, but he certainly had no complaints about what happened next.

"So, a walk in the park after dinner?"

Jaune nodded. It was taking all of his effort to keep from sweating through his shirt. Naturally, Ilia had no clue what he had planned, which was great – it was supposed to be a surprise.

"Yeah. I just figured that a really laid-back date would be good this weekend, rather than what we usually do."

Sex was nice, but he had other plans for tonight. The small box in his pocket was proof enough of that.

Ilia giggled, then took his arm. "Well then, let's go."

The two of them set off at a steady pace. Jaune already knew exactly where they were going. He had planned this all out in-depth over the past month. The two of them had started with a nice candlelit dinner at a fancy Valean restaurant downtown, and then to cap the evening off, they would be visiting the place where they first bumped into each other, that being the middle of Vale's park.

Of course, the fact that it had all been planned out did nothing to help with his nerves.

Calm down, Jaune. You've planned this through, and more than that, this is what you really want.

It was true. He may not have known Ilia for very long, but the two of them had grown very close. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

The only thing left to do was actually ask her if she wanted the same.

His heart pounded the whole time as they walked to their destination. They arrived in the middle of the clearing, just in time to see the sun start to dip below the horizon, dyeing the whole city a muted orange.

"Wow," Ilia said, resting her head on his shoulder. "It's beautiful, Jaune."

He swallowed nervously. "Y-yeah..."

Unfortunately, she seemed to catch that. "Jaune?"

He did his best to avoid flinching. "Y-yes?"

"Everything alright? Is dinner sitting okay with you? I know you get motion sick."

How kind of her to bring that up now. But no, it wasn't his dinner – that would have been too simple.

"It's just..." he hesitated. "I… have something I want to ask you."

"Okay, ask away."

Oh, if only it were that easy. Still, he took that as an invitation to man up and just do it.

Calm down, Jaune. Whatever you do, this can't be worse than Mom and Dad having to elope because of a broken condom.

Saphron was still mad about that, by the way. But that wasn't important right now. Right now, there was something else that took precedence, and as much as he hated to admit it, trying to put it off wasn't going to help.

He was just going to have to do it, then. No sense in avoiding it any longer.

Jaune turned to Ilia, gently taking her by the hands and looking her deep in the eyes.

"Ilia," he began, "We… haven't known each other for very long, but I'm not lying when I say that I'm in love with you."

She blushed, her whole body turning a shade of bright crimson. "J-Jaune… I love you too."

Well, that was a relief. It made this next part easier.

"I've thought about it, Ilia. And I've realized that, whatever happens in my life, it's not worth living if you're not in it."

That seemed to make her pause. "J-Jaune..." she asked, a choked sob of joy catching in her throat. "Is… is this what I think it is?"

He didn't respond immediately. Instead, he sank down to one knee, pulling a small box out of his pocket in the same motion.

"Ilia Amitola, will you marry me, and make me the happiest man on Remnant?"

This time, she didn't try to hold her tears of joy back. They ran down her face as she sobbed. "J-Juane, I..." She paused. "...Wait, happiest man on Remnant?"

"Yes. Please, make me the happiest man on Remnant."

Jaune wasn't sure what he expected to hear in response to that. He had figured it would just be a simple yes or no answer; he could have lived with either of those, even if the latter would have left him heartbroken. Needless to say, he didn't get either of them.

What he did get was infinitely stranger.

"...You're a man?" Ilia asked.

And just like that, Jaune felt his whole world shatter.

"Uh, yeah?" he replied, unsure of how exactly he was supposed to even approach at question like that.

"Oh."

It's surprising, just how much a single two-letter word can convey. In this case, Ilia's 'oh' conveyed a lot more than 'oh'; rather, it sounded a lot closer to a 'what the fuck' combined with a 'how the hell did this happen to us, it makes no sense.' Frankly, Jaune wasn't even sure how to proceed.

"...You, ah, seem very surprised about that."

"Yeah, it's just… um… I thought you were a girl."

What.

"What," he asked, dumbfounded.

Ilia blushed once again, though this time it was because she was ashamed rather than flustered. "Y-yeah...I, um, thought you were a hyena Faunus."

For the second time: what.

"For the second time: what."

"In my defense," she began, "you do have a very girlish figure."

"I have abs, Ilia."

"So do lots of girls, especially Huntresses. I figured that you were just a very ripped Huntress."

"I also have pecs."

"...Well, to be fair, I'm not exactly all that well-endowed in the boob or butt department, either. And I actually am a girl."

She had a point there. The only one who was flatter than Ilia was Weiss, but he wasn't going to focus on Weiss right now. Not when his marriage proposal had gone so (flat) tits-up.

"Okay, you're going to have to explain," Jaune began. "Because, even after all that, I'm still highly confused. Like, you realize that I have a dick, right?"

"So do female hyenas," she pointed out.

"...Excuse me?"

"Yeah, female hyenas have a dick. Apparently, they fuck the males with it and everything. It's really weird."

"...And you were into that, when you thought I had one?"

"Hey, I don't discriminate against people based on their Faunus features. Speaking of, what is your Faunus feature, anyway?"

Jaune merely gave her a blank look. She froze.

"...Oh Gods, I fucked a human boy," she said, her whole body paling.

"Hey, it's not your fault," Jaune said. "You didn't know."

"No, but..." She sighed. "...I get that it's not really my fault. Hell, it's not even your fault, since you didn't know, either. I just… fuck me, how was I so stupid?"

"Don't be so hard on yourself."

"I'm not trying to be, but it's a valid question. How the fuck did this happen? What went wrong in my life that I ended up willingly sleeping with a boy?"

That made Jaune raise an eyebrow. "Hang on, why is that such a problem? From the sound of things, it seems like you're a-"

"I'm a lesbian," she replied.

Oh.

"Oh."

This 'oh' also conveyed multiple different things. In this specific instance, it was a combination of 'holy shit, things just went from bad to worse' and 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.'

Well, only one thing left to do: damage control, and lots of it.

Jaune buried his face in his hands out of embarrassment. "Ilia, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," she said softly. "You didn't know."

"No, I didn't, but it's still not okay."

"Look, it's not your fault, okay? This is all just a big misunderstanding."

The two of them fell silent once more. Finally, Ilia spoke up again.

"So, about the marriage proposal..."

Don't do that, Jaune thought to himself. Don't give me hope.

"Needless to say, it's not gonna happen," Ilia finished.

Well, there goes his hopes and dreams.

"Okay," Jaune replied, doing his best not to let his disappointment leak into his voice. "So, you're breaking up with me?"

"Well, yes. You're not a girl, so I'm not attracted to you."

"But you didn't seem to mind back when you thought I was still a hyena Faunus," Jaune pointed out.

She raised an eyebrow. "You're awfully defensive about this."

"I mean, can you blame me? I just learned that the girl I proposed to is a lesbian who thought I was another girl, and that I had a hyena's girldick as my Faunus trait. I think I'm entitled to at least try to figure out where this thing went wrong."

"...Fair. Okay, yeah, I didn't care back when I thought you were a girl. But now I know you're not, so now I care."

"So you're still attracted to me."

"Jaune."

"Hey, I just want to know if there's still a shot for me with someone else. Literally nobody had given me the time of day before you."

"...Again, fair. Alright, yeah – you're attractive to lesbians. That make you feel better?"

Not really, but it was better than nothing. "So, you were attracted to me when you thought I was a girl, and you still are, even though you now know that I'm a boy."

"Pretty much. Except now I know you're not a girl, so I'm not attracted to you anymore."

Alright, his brain was officially tied in knots. He must have had a weird look on his face, because Ilia sighed tiredly.

"Alright, it's like this," she began. "I was attracted to you back when I thought you were a girl. However, I now know you're a boy. I am gay, and therefore cannot be attracted to boys. Therefore, I am not attracted to you."

"But you admitted that I was still attractive to you," Jaune pointed out.

"Yeah, so?"

"So isn't there at least a chance that you're actually bisexual, and not gay?"

Ilia chuckled, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Jaune, please. I'm the gay girl here; I think, out of the two of us, I know how these things work more than you."

Well, it wasn't like he could fucking argue with that, even if he wanted to.

"Anyway," she said, taking her hand off his shoulder. "I think this is where we part ways. Sorry, but there's a Bellabooty calling my name right now. Bye, Jaune."

And with that, she was off. Jaune watched her go, unable to do anything but lament about the Bellabooty had claimed yet another victim, adding to Blake's ever-growing harem of shitty characters. He blinked once, then looked down at the box in his hand.

"What a pisser," he muttered irritably.

As you can probably tell, the White Fang here were deeply inspired by their portrayals in Coeur's story, A Rabbit among Wolves. Check that out if you want more shenanigans from them… that is, if you're one of the maybe five people who are reading this and don't already know that story exists.

Also, I totally gave Bane a pocket dimension semblance just so I could reference Roller Town with the whole 'seven swords' thing, which is a direct reference to the 'seven belts' scene. Go watch that movie if you get the chance, it's very underrated. It's also really fucking stupid, but still, give it a chance.

Besides that, I know what you're all thinking, and no, the hyena Faunus thing was not intended to be a reference to Ishuzoku Reviewers when I wrote it – I actually didn't even notice the similarities until I was like halfway through it and was like, "Oh, this sorta reminds me of that one webm that's getting posted everywhere." Plus, that webm is pretty much the only thing I know about that show anyway, since I haven't actually watched it. I swear I'm not nearly as much of a degenerate as you all probably think I am.

Also, this isn't related to the chapter, but I'm gonna bring it up as long as I'm talking about anime: what the fuck is up with this new trend of slam death and deathcore bands making AMVs as official music videos? Within Destruction did it, Distant did it, Signs of the Swarm did it, Man Made God did it, Shrine of Malice did it, Bitterwood did it with fucking K-On of all things (they're actually a hardcore band instead of slam death or deathcore, but still)… how the fuck did this even start? I'm not complaining about it or anything – I actually think it's fucking sick – but still, it's weird. Lot of weebs into slam death and deathcore, it seems.

In other news, with this chapter, I've officially hit half a million words posted in total! It's been a long-ass and crazy year, and I can honestly say that I didn't think I'd make it this far – I figured the general response I was going to get to both this story and my other story would be some variation of "Get the fuck out of this fandom and never return", but I was pleasantly surprised that the reception has been extremely positive for both. Seriously, for all of you reading this: from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much. You all make writing worth it. I hope I can continue to entertain you with my shitposts for many more chapters to come.

Anyway, besides that, I've got nothing else. Thanks again for half a mil, everyone!

Next update: Saturday, August 22.