Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 20: Winter, or: Cold Heart, Hot Love
Jaune had never expected finding love to be easy. Hell, his parents had flat-out told him that finding someone would most likely be the hardest thing he would ever do. They weren't trying to be mean, just realistic – there were so many factors that went into finding someone special that it would take years of searching, at the very least.
He had thought he had found her in Weiss, of course, but that had been a bust – she had never returned his affections. It was easy to see why, too – he had come off like a ridiculously thirsty man-whore. No wonder she had spurned him. No matter; he would just look elsewhere. He knew that the right girl for him was out there somewhere.
He just hadn't expected that he would have gotten so close to finding her the first time.
Cold sapphire-blue eyes gazed at him as their owner leaned down to appraise him. He swallowed nervously as the military woman scanned him and up down. He had no idea why she was doing this; Weiss had simply taken her to meet her friends, and Winter had honed on him with precision not seen since Ruby entered her most recent three-gun competition. It was actually kind of intimidating… and also pretty hot.
Hey, he had a thing for scary women, okay? Something about that aura they gave off really got him going. He had had lost many of his children to Professor Goodwitch for precisely that reason; now was no exception.
As he desperately tried to keep Jaune Junior from revealing himself to the world, everyone else looked on in confusion.
"Um, Winter?" Weiss asked. "Is everything okay? Jaune didn't do something to earn your ire, did he? If you want, I could discipline him for you."
Jaune wisely bit his tongue, mainly because he was torn between explaining how he wasn't a dog and also asking her not to make things worse for him by aggravating his femdom fetish.
Finally, after several seconds that felt like an eternity, Winter backed off, stepping away from him. He breathed a sharp sigh of relief, happy that he both hadn't done something to piss her off and that nobody had noticed him steadily getting more and more erect.
"You'll do," Winter announced.
He felt himself begin to sweat. "Um, what?"
"You'll do," she repeated. "I shall be by your room no later than five tomorrow. Be prepared, and be dressed appropriately – there will be a dress code. Professional wear only. Do not worry about paying – it is on me."
"Dress code? For what?"
"For dinner, of course. I trust you have no objections?"
It took him a while for his brain to stops short-circuiting enough for him to piece together what she was trying to tell him.
"I'm sorry, I think I might have misheard you," he finally ventured. "Because it sounds to me like you're asking me out."
"That is exactly what I'm doing," Winter replied, her tone never once losing its haughty flare. "Again, I trust you have no objections?"
Actually, he did have one – why the fuck couldn't he have met this woman before he made an idiot of himself in front of Weiss? Seriously, this was like everything he had ever dreamed of. She was aggressive, yet not overly so; calm and detached, yet somehow still very alluring, and not merely because she was smoking hot. And then there was the fact that she ticked several of his own personal boxes – domineering? Check. Older woman? Check. Tough enough to beat his ass into the dirt? You'd better believe that's a check. Yeah, he was really feeling it.
Unlike some other people.
Behind her sister, Weiss sputtered. "W-Winter, you can't be serious! I mean, really? With Jaune?! You can do better, I'm sure!"
"On the contrary, dear sister," Winter replied. "Jaune is everything I have been looking for. Is that a problem?"
Say no, Weiss. I know we had our differences, but please don't ruin this for me.
"Of course I have a problem with this!" Weiss screeched. "Winter, it's… it's Jaune! The vomit boy! He can barely even fight!"
Says the girl who has yet to win a one-on-one fight with anyone.
Naturally, these were replies that would stay relegated to the confines of his mind. Weiss may have been doing her best to kill his relationship with Winter before it even started, but the last thing he needed to do was help her by opening his mouth and saying something that pissed Winter right the hell off.
"Fighting has nothing to do with my interest," Winter said evenly. "Truthfully, I am looking for something a bit more… I believe the term being used today is 'low-key'. Having spent so much time in the military, I have grown weary of the machismo. Someone a bit more down-to-Remnant would be very appreciated."
"Well, that's me," Jaune said. "I'm very down-to-Remnant. You won't find anyone who's less low-maintenance than I am. Tell her, Pyrrha."
Unfortunately, Pyrrha wasn't liable to tell anyone anything, since she kept looking at Winter's chest and then her own, and for some reason looked like she was on the verge of tears. But that wasn't any of his business, not when he had a hot Atlesian big tiddy military woman trying to ask him out.
And isn't that a reversal of fortune.
He wasn't going to be so crazy as to think that his luck had reversed completely, but someone somewhere had decided to throw him a bone, because good Gods, this was too good to be true. And the fact that it was Weiss' sister just made it even better – Weiss had been a complete bitch to him even after he had apologized for hounding her, so her older sister being attracted to him was a very nice bit of karma that he definitely appreciated.
Thankfully, it seemed like Winter wasn't about to be swayed by what her sister had to say.
"Now, now, Weiss – I think I am capable of making my own decisions," Winter said.
"But… but… it's Jaune, and-"
"Enough," Winter said, her voice stern. "I will hear no more arguments about this, Weiss. My mind is made up."
Weiss seemed very disappointed, but refrained from saying anything further. Instead, she turned back to Jaune, who was doing his best not to look like he had just won the lottery. "Be ready."
His only response was to nod. That being said, there was one question hovering around in the back of his mind.
What the fuck had he just gotten himself into?
As it turned out, what he had gotten himself into was a date. A very expensive date, sure, but a date nonetheless. Winter had even paid for the whole thing despite his insistence that they split the bill, because apparently chivalry really was dead and women truly did kill it. He had intended to end things there, maybe with a promise to do this some other time, but Winter had other plans.
Much sexier plans.
Needless to say, before he knew it, they were in a hotel room, tangled up in each other's arms with not a scrap of clothing to be found in either of them.
Their lips met once more, Winter again winning the short fight for dominance as she gently took hold of him and guided him so that he was on the bottom. A few seconds was all it took, and then with a loud moan from her, the fun truly started.
Or so it seemed.
Winter let out a grumble before suddenly stopping her movement. Jaune blinked, surprised.
"Um, Winter? Something wrong?"
She nodded. "Yes… yes, that's it. This position is incorrect."
Okay, then. "So, should we change pos-"
Her only response was to grab him and pivot, switching things around so he was on top and she was on bottom. He stared at her, unsure of what to do, and she stared back.
"You may continue," she said.
That was all she needed to say. Instantly, Jaune's hips were moving again, each thrust causing small gasps and moans to escape from both of them. In a haze, he reached up to gently take hold of Winter's chest, only for her to stop him, causing him to freeze.
"Is something the matter?" he asked.
"We are past the foreplay stage," she reported. "There is no need to grab my chest."
Uh-huh. This was getting weird. "Um… so, what should I-"
"Your thrusts could use a bit more force behind them," she stated.
"Okay, so I'll-"
"And be sure to run your thumb over my clit occasionally."
"Right, so-"
"And don't be afraid to kiss me."
He paused, waiting for her to continue. Thankfully, it seemed like that was it. Keeping all that in the back of his mind, he went back to what he was doing, being sure to follow along with her requests. He wasn't sure if this was how sex was supposed to go, what with the girl making demands and all, but he… didn't like it. You'd think that with his femdom fetish he'd enjoy having a hot, bossy girl tell him what to do, but it turns out that all that does is kill the mood something fierce. Right now, all he wanted was to rock her world, and her constantly interrupting was kind of ruining it.
"Stop."
Like now. Biting back a groan of annoyance, Jaune instantly paused. "Yes, Winter?"
"I've changed my mind," she reported. "You may grab my breasts now. Gently, though. And be sure to play with my nipples a bit – they are very sensitive."
This was bordering on too much information, which was saying a lot given that he was currently balls deep in her. But he was nothing if not a generous lover, so he was sure to abide by her requests, no matter how mood-killing they were.
So anyway, the night was long, but thankfully it ended on a high note for both of them. They each got their rocks off and fell asleep in each other's arms, and that was the end of it.
Or so Jaune thought.
"Sex counseling?"
Winter nodded. "Yes. Your performance was less than perfect."
He was dumbfounded. This woman understood that sex was a very human act, right? That naturally it was going to be dirty and imperfect, and completely unlike those romance novels she no doubt read when she thought nobody was looking, because where else would she get these ideas from?
"Okay," he breathed. "So, you want me to attend sex counseling."
"Us," she specified.
"What?"
"I want us to attend sex counseling. Together."
Well, at least she wasn't making him do this alone. That was a bit reassuring. "But I thought I was the problem," Jaune said, confused.
"We both could use some improvement. Our performances were lacking. I get that it was the first time for both of us, but-"
Wait, hold on. "I'm sorry, what was that?"
"I said it was the first time for both of us."
"...You were a virgin before you met me?"
"Yes," she said, her gaze turning dark. "Is that a problem, Jaune?"
Quickly, he held up his hands in surrender. "N-no! No, not at all! I mean, so was I before I met you. It's just… I figured that a woman who was as attractive as you would have met someone by now."
She clasped her hands behind her back. "I have had suitors before, true, but none of them met my standards – they were the macho military types, and I despised them. Moreover, I had neither the time nor the inclination to pursue romance until now."
"What changed your mind?"
"Simple: I am in my mid-twenties, yet have never felt the touch of a man. This was an unacceptable turn of events for someone of my age. Therefore, I decided to change that."
"...And you picked me?"
"You were the ideal candidate – ready, willing, eager, and not in the military. I intended to lose my virginity to you, then never see you again."
Man, talk about a crazy plan. This was almost as stupid as that time Blake thought she could fight the White Fang all on her own.
Seriously, what went through that crazy cat's mind? It was like she was permanently high on catnip sometimes.
Still, crazy as Winter's plan had been, he wasn't going to complain about it. Not when it led to them staying together past their first night.
...At least, he assumed that was what her trying to get the two of them sex counseling meant.
The office was a lot less clinical than he thought it would be. It looked like any other therapist's office… or so he imagined, since he had never been to a therapist. Him and Winter were currently sitting next to each other on a large black leather couch. Across from them, a woman sat. She was… much more attractive than he thought any therapist had a right to be. Her brown hair was tied back in a bun, and a set of tortoiseshell glasses sat over her dark green eyes. She had to have been pushing her mid-thirties, but all that did was accentuate her looks somehow. She wasn't old, just mature, something her gray pants suit helped to reinforce.
"Right," the therapist began. Looking to Winter, she said, "I believe we spoke on the phone, Miss Schnee."
"Just Winter is fine, Doctor Verde," came the response. "And we did. I am the one who set this up."
"Ah." Verde looked over to Jaune. "She's not dragging you into this, I hope?"
He knew better than to walk into that trap. Shaking his head, he said, "No, ma'am."
"Good, because otherwise this whole thing would be doomed to failure."
He did his best to keep himself from sweating through his hoodie at that.
Winter cleared her throat. "Now then, I trust I made you adequately aware of our bedroom problems?"
Verde nodded. "Indeed, you did. Just to review: you think your sex life could use a lot more passion. Your primary concern is with Jaune's performance. Apparently, he isn't adequately meeting your needs."
Jaune merely crossed his arms, grumbling under his breath. Seeing that, Verde raised an eyebrow. "Something you want to add, Jaune?"
"Nothing," he muttered.
Oh, there was so much he wanted to say. He wanted to say that Winter was a perfectionist of the worst sort. He wanted to say that she was demanding, and wasn't satisfied unless she was in sheer bliss the entire time. He wanted to say that this whole thing seemed premature, since they had literally only had sex a single time – her first time, by the way – and that had been all of a day ago. How she had managed to arrange a meeting with a sex therapist on such short notice he had no idea, but who was he to question a Schnee's connections?
Anyway, her connections weren't the problem here. Rather, the problem was that to him, Winter seemed to be the problem… and he could never, ever voice that, because he wasn't dumb enough to think a man could ever truly win an argument with his girlfriend. Not only could she kick his ass, but if she ever lost too hard, she could always just take her ball and go home, and then the sex would go from "poor but still enjoyable because it's sex" to "non-existent," and that simply wouldn't do.
As much as Winter was being a royal pain in the ass in the way that only a Schnee could be, he still really liked her, and he knew she really liked him – after all, if she didn't like him, she wouldn't have bothered with this whole sex therapy thing in the first place, she would have just found some other simp instead.
Basically, the point was that he was stuck. There were a lot of complaints he wanted to voice, and no way to voice them without jeopardizing what he had. So instead, he was just going to sit there and take it, like a little bitch.
But at least later, it'd be his girlfriend who'd be taking it like a little bitch, if you catch his drift… you know, if this whole sex therapy thing actually somehow ended up working, which he somehow doubted it would.
"Okay, then," Verde announced. "So, let's break down your complaints, Winter. What's your biggest problem with Jaune?"
"Quite simply, he can't satisfy me properly," she stated. "His performance is less than satisfactory. Mine is as well, but he provides little feedback during the act of fornication, so pleasing him becomes an exercise in frustration."
Wow, that was… actually thoughtful of her. He honestly thought this whole thing would be one of those things where the man is always wrong, yet she was actually admitting it was at least partially her fault as well. Good on her.
Too bad there was another Goliath in the room that was distracting him from that.
Did she actually refer to fucking as 'fornication?'
Geez, he knew the Schnees were aristocrats and therefore at least a little old-fashioned, but this was ridiculous. What next, was she going to start speaking in iambic pentameter? Maybe start a speech off in old Valean fresh from the Great War? That'd certainly be something - 'Four score and six inches ago my boyfriend brought forth on this bed, a new petit mort, conceived in coitus, and dedicated to the proposition of extramarital affairs between our two souls.' Some real old-school, downright poetic shit that wouldn't be out of place in a Poe piece or something.
Who the fuck is Poe?
Truly a question for the ages.
"Ah, I see," Doctor Verde said. "Feel free to tell me if I'm not on-track, but it seems to me that your problem stems from a combination of a lack of experience and a lack of communication. Now, Jaune seems to be a good deal younger than you, so I can see why his lack of experience would bother you, however-"
"Um, actually," Winter tentatively admitted, "Jaune was my first."
Verde blinked. "...Uh, okay. Sorry; it's just that-"
"Yes, I get it."
"Most women-"
"I know, thank you."
"Well then." Verde collected herself before turning back to them. "Still, now that I have a good idea of what the problem is, I can fix it."
Winter perked up at that. "Truly?"
"Mm-hm!" Verde said with a nod. "Of course, there's one little thing I'm going to need from the two of you first."
"Anything," Winter said, practically at the edge of her seat.
"I think a demonstration is in order."
Jaune felt his brain crack in half at that. Was this woman serious? Looking over at her, she certainly seemed to be. Needless to say, that was a simply ridiculous request – they weren't about to just start banging in front of her.
Winter tapped him on the shoulder, causing him to turn to her. "Yes, Winter?"
"Get naked," she implored.
The two halves of his brain cracked into fourths. "...I'm sorry, what?"
"Get naked," she repeated. "Here, I'll start if you feel uncomfortable."
She began to undo the top buttons on her uniform, which Jaune quickly put a stop to. "What are you doing?!" he asked.
"What the sex therapist tells us to," Winter replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
"You can't be serious!"
"I am very serious, Jaune. I will do anything to make our sex better."
"Okay, but this is going too far! There's no way this is the standard procedure!"
"Oh, it totally is," Verde replied. For some reason she had stood up and moved over to a framed picture on her desk, which she was angling towards the couch. "Yup, definitely standard procedure. Recommended, in fact."
"Oh, yeah? Which manual recommends that?"
"The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Banging, Fifth Edition."
"That's not a real book! Winter, don't tell me you-"
He was cut off by the sound of fabric hitting the floor. Looking over, he found that Winter had finally taken her top off, and was working on unclasping her bra. Jaune found himself staring before shaking that thought away.
"Winter, you can't honestly believe this."
"Jaune, she's a doctor," Winter replied. "This is her area of expertise. We ought to listen."
"Yup, I'm a doctor," Verde replied. "Winter, if you could just turn towards me a bit… yeah, that's your good side."
"Alright, I'm not sure what's going on here, but we're out," Jaune replied, rising to his feet.
"Ah, no you're not," Verde replied, picking a piece of paper up off the desk and showing it to him. Jaune took it and read over it before staring at her incredulously.
"What is this?"
"A contract," the 'doctor' replied.
"Is it really? It's just a piece of paper signed 'Sex contract' and saying 'Juane and Winter will fuck in this room until orgasm is achieved for both of them.' My name isn't even spelled right."
"Still a contract."
"There's no way this will hold up in court. I'll have my-"
"If you have money, then I'm a real doctor," Verde deadpanned.
"-I'll have Winter's top lawyers work on it," Jaune replied.
Again, Winter tapped him on the shoulder. Turning towards her, Jaune found that she had stripped down to just her panties, leaving almost everything on display.
"Jaune, stop embarrassing me," she said.
Jaune couldn't help but sputter. "Wha- embarrassing you?! Winter, she's trying to get us to have sex in front of her! This whole thing is like a bad amateur porno!"
"Damn, was it that easy to figure out…?" Verde muttered.
"Well, be that as it may, I signed the contract," Winter pointed out. "Now, I'd really like to get through this therapy session so our love lives will improve."
Jaune just stared at her blankly. Okay, she couldn't be serious – it was blatantly obvious that this was all a big scam designed to get free performers for some shitty adult movie being filmed. He couldn't see the cameras anywhere, but that didn't mean they weren't there – they were probably hidden in a photo or something. Also, really, a photo? What kind of asshole hides cameras in family photos?
Miles away, in Atlas, Willow Schnee paused as she raised her glass of alcohol to her lips.
"I sense a disturbance," she said aloud. "As if I was just referenced openly in some way for the amusement of a substantial number of people."
The sheets next to her rustled before being pulled down, revealing black hair and red eyes. "You're imagining things," Qrow said. "Now, you gonna drink that or not?"
Willow replied by draining the entire bottle of whiskey in just a few short gulps. Qrow stared, amazed, as she threw the empty bottle away before climbing back on top of him. It lasted for only a minute before he chuckled.
"Man, good thing there's no way our respective family members know each other, because that would make this kind of weird."
Back in the 'sex therapist's' office, Jaune found himself staring at Winter again, trying to make sense of everything. It was so obvious – how could she not realize they were being taken for a ride?
And then it hit him: it wasn't that she didn't realize what was happening, it was that she simply refused to believe that this wouldn't help. She needed this whole thing to work out, because if it didn't, she would probably think their relationship was done for, much like that monkey Faunus' chances with Blake.
But that was okay, because honestly, he was too good for Blake. Truly the best boy.
Anyway, that aside, Jaune knew what he needed to do. Winter very desperately needed this to work out somehow, and despite the fact that it seemed like it would never work, he had to at least give it an honest try. And if that meant being the star in some seedy director's shitty amateur porn movie, well, so be it.
"Okay," Jaune announced. "Let's do it."
Winter took that as her cue to get busy, and get busy they did.
But just as an extra middle finger to the director, Jaune made sure that all of it ended up on the couch.
Have fun cleaning that up, 'Doctor.'
Somehow, against all reason, it seemed that their little sexcapade inside the fake therapist's office had actually managed to work. Because suddenly, Winter had gone from not being able to stop critiquing his performance to just sitting back and going all ahegao.
Like really, it was actually kind of weird. Flattering, to an extent, but seeing your girl's eyes roll back in her head like that and her tongue hang out was more than a little disconcerting. But she seemed to be having a good time, so he wasn't going to judge too harshly.
Also, seeing someone as stoic as Winter Schnee get reduced to this was pretty funny, but that was neither here nor there.
In any case, it had been a few days since their little sex therapy thing, and two things had happened. One, Winter had decided that it had been a rousing success, as they had quickly gone from banging once to fucking like rabbits, minus the multiplication aspect (thankfully; he wasn't ready to be a father). And two, Weiss had ended up stumbling on their video, and had promised him a slow and painful death if she ever caught him somewhere Winter wasn't.
Naturally, Jaune had decided to stick to his girlfriend like glue… or, to be more topical, like semen in her hair. Which, there was obviously a lot of.
Sweet Christ, I'm really reaching for jokes. I need a vacation.
With one final grunt, Jaune was done. He pulled out, rolling over to lie next to Winter as she placed a kiss on his cheek.
"How was it?" he asked.
"The best so far," she promised.
Funny, because he wasn't even doing anything that different. It was like a sexual version of the placebo effect. But again, he wasn't complaining so long as it worked.
Truly, things were looking up for once. Which, for him, could only mean that at some point they were going to come crashing down, and honestly, he was actually pretty anxious to see just how shitty things got. If there was one thing he learned, it was that nothing in life was free, and if the universe decided to just dump a smoking-hot, sex-crazed Non-Descript Winter Holiday Cake in your lap, there was going to be hell to pay sooner rather than later.
Unfortunately for him, whatever he had expected that hell to be like, it would never have prepared him for what it was actually like.
When Jaune awoke the next day, it was to Winter cracking open the blinds in her apartment. He let out a grumble as light streamed onto his face, but didn't bother trying to fight against waking up. If Winter was already up, it meant that she probably expected a quickie before she went off to work, and he went off to school.
However, things were different today – she was already getting dressed, where usually she would have had his dick in her mouth by now. That in and of itself was unusual enough to get his attention.
"What's going on, Winter?" he asked.
"I have been requested to run an anti-White Fang operation on the outskirts of town," she replied. "Direct orders from the General. Sorry, but this has to get done immediately."
"Oh. Well, okay. Be safe, alright?"
"I will be."
She finished pulling on her uniform and slipped her saber onto her belt before heading over and giving him a quick peck on the lips. "Bye, Jaune. I love you."
He blinked, surprised, but it lasted for only a second before his expression turned warm. "Yeah. Love you too, Winter."
She nodded in understanding, then turned and left, closing the door behind her. Jaune watched her go, his mind racing the whole time. Maybe it was premature of them to have used the 'L' word so soon – they had barely been seeing each other for a week, after all – but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to fit. There had been a lot of soul-searching between the two of them in that time, in addition to the purely physical aspects of the relationship, and it was difficult to deny that there was something more serious going on than just a purely sexual relationship.
She may have intended to only use him for his body, but along the way, something had changed in short order.
Then again, maybe she was just trying to keep him around for sex, because at this point, she seemed to be having a better time than he was. Not to say that he wasn't having a good time, but out of the two of them, she had been much more eager to lose her virginity than he had been. Frankly, this whole thing was kind of like a really shitty romantic comedy, only instead of the man being the desperate virgin, it was the woman.
And here he was, thinking that the biological clock wasn't supposed to start ticking for women until they hit 30. But he wasn't going to complain, especially if this turned into something more serious.
Pushing those thoughts from his head, Jaune decided to get ready for his day. Winter had gotten him into the habit of waking up early, so he had a few hours to go, which was more than enough to shower, get dressed, grab some breakfast, and make his way back to Beacon in time for class.
Stripping off his nightclothes, Jaune stepped into the shower and set about doing what he had to – lather, shampoo, rinse. Winter had spared no expense for him, which he appreciated – these fancy scented shampoos, conditioners, and body washes must have cost a small fortune. He would have told her not to bother, but she was insistent that everything about him be perfect, so that was a lost cause. And frankly, he wasn't about to complain so long as it made her happy.
Jaune had just finished running a bar of soap across his body when the shit hit the fan. It all started with a loud knock on the door, and then-
"Atlesian Military, open up!"
And just like that, the room exploded. The door was blasted off its hinges, the ceiling collapsed, someone broke a vase for no real reason… it was pandemonium.
Also, he might have screamed like a little girl, but can you blame him? You try getting raided while taking a shower, see how you like it.
In any case, a bunch of scary-looking people in military outfits came strolling into the room, then pulled him from the shower and bound his hands behind his back before slipping a black bag over his head. He didn't even have time to ask what was happening before he felt someone stick him in the neck with a syringe, then tell him to 'Go to sleep, bitch.'
His last thought before he blacked out was praying that Winter wouldn't commit murder too hard when she found out what had happened to him; the last thing he wanted was for her to end up in prison on his account.
Eventually, Jaune came to. He didn't know where he was, just that it looked eerily similar to an interrogation room from those shitty cop dramas his parents liked to watch. He was handcuffed to the table, so he wasn't going to go anywhere. He wasn't dumb enough to think he was alone, however – the one-way mirror on the wall next to him told him all he needed to know about that.
Perhaps most distressingly at all, not only was he still completely naked, but they hadn't even bothered to rinse the soap off of him. And that was a problem, because the last thing he wanted was to be itchy later.
His thoughts were interrupted by the door opening. To his surprise, it wasn't one person, or two, or even three who came to meet him. Rather, it was six people – five he didn't recognize, but the last…
"General Ironwood?"
How could he not recognize the General? The man was essentially the face of Atlas at this point. Everybody knew who he was.
Ironwood took a seat across from Jaune, his five soldiers flanking him. None of them said anything, only continuing to stare menacingly at him. Jaune swallowed nervously, unsure of what to make of this situation.
"Um-"
"Shut up," one of the soldiers, a very large, very muscular woman said.
Jaune, of course, complied immediately. He'd already had enough experience with pissing off muscular women after that time he accidentally pulled out some of Yang's hair during a spar, he didn't need to know what it was like to piss off a professional muscular woman.
They continued to stare at him for several minutes, none of them saying a word or moving a muscle the whole time. Jaune knew this was just to unnerve him, but that didn't mean it wasn't working. In fact, it was working beyond their wildest dreams – he was pretty sure at this point he had an anti-fear boner, so like a fear boner only his penis was shrinking instead of getting bigger.
I sure hope none of them notice that. Maybe if I'm lucky, I can act like I was taking a cold shower, and that's what did it.
Hopefully it never came to that, but if it did, he was now prepared.
Finally, one of them – the shorter, more lithe woman – spoke.
"Nice dick, dude."
Oh, Gods damn it.
Jaune hesitated. "...I was in the shower and it was cold."
"Oh, I'm sure."
Ironwood held up a hand, silencing them both. Jaune was both thankful and regretful about this. Thankful because it meant that attractive military women weren't going to talk bad about his dick anymore, and regretful in that he hadn't had a chance to explain that he wasn't tiny, he just had a reverse boner right now because they were all fucking terrifying.
"Now then," General Ironwood began, "Down to business."
"Sir, I don't know what this is about," Jaune protested.
"I think you do, son. Now, why don't you just come out with it?"
Ah shit, they were onto him. And here he was, thinking he could get away with it. He should have known better, though – nothing got past Atlas' finest, after all. That left him with only one path forward: confess his crimes and appeal to them for a reduced sentence.
"...Alright," Jaune said, his expression slackening. "Alright, I admit it. I told that porn site I was eighteen when I really wasn't. I lied in order to watch their videos."
The six of them exchanged a glance.
"Dude, nobody cares about that," one of the military men, who seemed to be the leader, said. "We care that you stole our workaholic co-worker away from us."
Jaune's heart skipped a beat. "You mean Winter?"
They all nodded, and he couldn't help but groan. Somehow he just knew that she was eventually going to find out that he had called her a workaholic, and there would be hell to pay when she did. But for now, there were far more important things to worry about."
"So wait, you're upset that I'm dating Winter?"
"Of course," Ironwood stated. "Do you have any idea how important Winter is to the military?"
"I mean, I have an idea. She's very strong, so I imagine that she's probably one of your best troops."
"What? No. No, nobody cares about that."
Well, that was certainly surprising. "Oh. Then what's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that she's the one responsible for keeping things running on a daily basis," Ironwood explained. "I mean, look at her – she's actually happy to do my paperwork for me. She loves organizing things, running simulations, calculating expenditures on a per-unit basis… Winter has been an absolute Godsend to those of us who don't want to do any work but have to look official."
"Wait, hold up," Jaune began. "You're telling met that the Atlesian military – the single biggest military force in all of Remnant, and arguably our number one bulwark against the Grimm… is basically being run by a woman who, until very recently, was so married to the job that she was more than willing to take on any kind of work, no matter how menial, just for the sake of doing more work?"
"Yes, that's correct."
"...Alright, yeah, I can see it. So you're all NEETs, then. Well-paid NEETs, but still NEETs. Makes sense."
Hey, he may have loved Winter, but even he had to admit that on the surface, she lived a pretty dull life. He had once caught her typing up a spreadsheet between rounds of sex. At first he wasn't sure what to make of it, but now he realized that she was just that much of a workaholic.
Man, that girl needs some hobbies or something. All that work with no play can't be good for you.
Of course, that was easy to say, but harder to put into practice when her idea of play was more work. What the hell was Jacques doing to raise his kids that one of them could have ended up like this? What, did he have her doing her own audits by age ten or something? Maybe he got sick of doing his taxes and just had Winter do them instead. That would certainly explain why she was such a perfectionist.
"So, what do you want me to do, exactly?" Jaune asked.
"That should be obvious," Ironwood stated. "We want you to break up with Winter."
Well, he honestly should have seen that coming. Thankfully, he had a response for it.
"No. Not only no, but hell no."
"You don't seem to understand, Mister Arc – we aren't asking."
"And I'm not debating. I'm not going to break up with Winter just because none of you wants to do your jobs. Maybe you all ought to take this is your cue to stop being so lazy and actually take over some of her workload, because Gods know she could use a break."
Of course, it sounded brave of him to stand up for his girlfriend like that, but the truth was that he knew they weren't going to actually go for it. You ever try to convince a NEET to actually get off their ass and make something of their life? Yeah, that's pretty much this situation in a nutshell, but on a much bigger and far more professional scale.
Jaune relaxed in his chair, still uncaring of the fact that they could see everything he was packing. He was so far past the point of caring at this time that his balls hanging free wasn't even at the back of his mind anymore. "Right, so we're done here. Your ultimatum failed."
"On the contrary, Mister Arc," Ironwood said, sounding not the least bit perturbed, "I have yet to hit you with my ultimatum."
"Oh? And what would that be?"
"Either you break up with Winter or we make you break up with Winter."
"And how did you intend to do that?"
"Did you forget that we're all high-ranking members of the world's most elite military force?" One of the Specialists, this one a very pale-skinned man, asked. "It's within our power to have you shipped off to a private prison that technically doesn't exist, where you'll never again see the light of day."
"You'll be spending the rest of your days in a dark hole, surrounded by the meanest people on all of Remnant," the tall dark-skinned woman said, with far too much glee for his liking.
Well, that was a problem, because from the sound of things, those very same people would probably be spending the rest of their days in his dark hole, if you catch his drift.
Ironwood leaned forward. "Now, why don't you think nice and hard about our offer before opening your mouth again, because trust me when I say that whatever you pick, you won't get another chance to reconsider."
Well, that was a problem – he had been banking on them being so incompetent at their jobs that they wouldn't know how to properly leverage their connections in the military against him. Unfortunately, it seemed that he had gambled and lost, as they were actually very mildly competent instead of hopelessly incompetent… which, in retrospect, made sense given that someone had to keep the lights on before Winter was there. Why had he thought that this stupid plan would work again? In terms of sheer dumbness, this was like Team RWBY's plan to infiltrate the White Fang meeting all over again.
Of course, that left him with a huge problem.
Honestly, Jaune loved Winter. Really, he did, and not just because of the sex – she was just genuinely great all-around. Sure, she came off as cold and closed-off, but the truth was that beneath her collected, professional demeanor, there was a sweet young woman just waiting to give her heart to someone. He always looked forward to those rare moments when he managed to catch her smiling or laughing. Spending time with her was always a blast, even if they weren't really doing anything at all besides enjoying each other's company.
But given the two options, it seemed like his choice was being made for him. He didn't like it, but between breaking up with a girl and being black-bagged and dragged to one of Atlas' secret prisons to basically be a prison bitch for the rest of his life, it was a no-brainer.
The fact that he was doing this purely because these people were too fucking lazy to do any actual work for once was just adding insult to injury. Working wasn't even that bad, yet these idiots treated it like it was the worst thing in the world, hell they probably unironically used the term 'wagie' and everything.
Jaune slumped over, sighing in defeat. "...Fine. What do you want me to do?"
Ironwood merely smirked, knowing that he had won. It bothered Jaune far more than he would have ever cared to admit.
"You're breaking up with me?"
Winter's tone made Jaune wince. It was that trademark cold, neutral tone she used all the time, but he had gotten close enough to tell that there was something else there, too. She wasn't showing it outwardly, but she was surprised, and very hurt. More than anything, it made him want to just pull her into a big hug and tell her that he loved her, but the microphone attached to his chest was preventing him from doing that.
Tentatively, Jaune nodded. "Yes. I… I think we should see other people."
She paused for a moment. It was the longest moment in Jaune's life. "...I see," she finally said. "Is there any reason why?"
"I just… don't think we're good for each other."
"If this is about the counseling-"
"It's not. Winter, trust me, it's not anything you did. I just… well, I don't know if my family would approve of me going out with someone who's over a decade older than me."
That was a lie, and he knew it. His mother would just be happy that he had finally found someone, and his father would congratulate him on getting not just someone who was quite attractive, but who was also very professional and well-established. Saphron would be suspicious due to the age difference, but she would come around with time.
Winter didn't seem to know how to take it. At the moment, she looked like she couldn't quite believe what she was hearing, but that quickly gave way to a rough acceptance. Slowly, she nodded in agreement.
"...Yes. Yes, I suppose family has to come first. I can see why the age difference would be a problem for them."
"I'm sorry," Jaune said.
"Don't be; it's out of your hands, and I can't expect you to go against your family." She exhaled softly. "Thank you for telling me face-to-face instead of through text. Now, if you excuse me, I have matters I have to attend to."
With that, she turned and began to walk away, at a much faster pace than her usual controlled and disciplined walk. Jaune could just tell that she was trying her best to keep her composure; clearly, him breaking things off with her had done a lot more damage than he thought it would, which was saying a lot because he already expected it to be devastating to her.
Honestly, it made him feel like a huge piece of shit. Winter was a sweet girl, and they had a good relationship. Ironwood could go fuck himself for giving him this ultimatum.
Taking a shaky breath, Jaune slowly wiped the tears from his eyes before turning and walking away.
He had never been much of a drinker, but right now, all he wanted was to track down that Qrow guy Winter hated and take a big swig from his flask.
A few days had passed since Jaune had broken up with Winter. According to General Ironwood, that should have been more than enough for things to get back to normal. By now, Winter would have resumed her role as his right hand, and once more gone back to basically keeping the army running all by herself.
It was a wonder, then, that it had only taken about half a week since their breakup for everything to go to complete shit.
Jaune could only stare in awe as yet another airship fell out of sky, plummeting to the ground and burying itself halfway into the street below. Thankfully, it didn't explode… but that was a small condolence to everyone on the ground, who had started to do what people are wont to do in a crisis, which is to say they had resorted to screaming and running around in circles, when they weren't taking advantage of the situation to get some free shit.
Why do we even bother to save most of these people? Jaune couldn't help but wonder as he saw yet another person toss a trash can into a store window and then begin to clean it out. Seriously, this entire event is just one big argument for why the Grimm should hurry it up and eat us already.
Perhaps it was callous of him to think that of not-so-innocent people, but honestly, he was a hundred and ten percent done right now. This would probably make him sound like a metalcore-listening edgelord, but breaking up with his girlfriend had made him severely depressed over the past couple of days. Even seeing Nora accidentally spill syrup in Weiss' hair hadn't made it any better, and that had actually gotten Weiss to break character and give out one of her trademark autistic screeches that she only gave out when something really pissed her off. But apparently even a good dose of schadenfreude couldn't cure his shitty mood, which is how he knew this wasn't his everyday depression that social media thots suffered when they only got a few thousand likes on their stupid posts instead of tens of thousands. No, this was advanced depression, like finding out your dog just died or something.
Sighing, Jaune shoved his hands into his pockets and began to walk away from the chaos, not even paying attention as yet another aircraft came crashing down.
Walking down the street to the soothing sounds of Atlesian airships falling out of the sky, Jaune was utterly unprepared for someone to black-bag him, then pick him up and carry him to a waiting van before speeding off.
Oh, great, he thought to himself, here we go again. I sure hope they let me keep my pants this time.
As luck would have it, they did indeed let him keep his pants this time.
The bag was suddenly pulled off his head, allowing him to come face-to-face with a very haggard looking General Ironwood. The man looked like Ozpin did that one day that midget girl from Haven had pranked him by replacing all his personal coffee with decaf, only without the ensuing all-encompassing rage that came just a few moments later and resulted in said midget being stranded on top of Beacon's tower with no way down.
Let it be known that living at Beacon was nothing like what the brochures advertised.
But that wasn't important right now, what was important was that Jaune had once again been dragged in front of these people, and much like a bad joke in this fic, experiencing it for a second time wasn't any better than the first.
"What is it now?" Jaune snapped. "I did what you asked. I thought we had a deal."
"Yes, you did," Ironwood replied.
"Great, then we ought to be done here. So can I go?"
"We have another request for you."
"Oh, I'm sure. What could it possibly be this time?"
"We want you to get back together with Winter."
Jaune instantly paused. Well, that certainly hadn't been what he expected. "...I'm sorry, what?"
"You heard me," Ironwood replied. "We want you to start dating her again."
"...Okay, not that I'm unhappy that you're telling me to do this, but why? Because last I checked, you were upset that you actually had to do real work for once in your POG life."
It felt wrong calling someone a POG when he wasn't in the military, but it seemed to have the desired effect, as everyone winced at it. He would have actually felt bad about it if the General hadn't already proven himself to basically be the very definition of a POG, in addition to being a pack of dicks.
"To put it simply," Ironwood began, "we forgot to factor in the effect your breakup would have on her."
Jaune cocked an eyebrow, and Ironwood continued, sounding much more panicked. "She's gone from doing less work to doing no work! All she's done for the past few days is sit in her hotel room, eating ice cream straight from the tub, drinking wine, watching horrible romantic comedies, and crying! The military is falling apart without her, Jaune!"
Now it was Jaune's turn to wince. Okay, yeah, he really needed to get back together with her, because hearing that made his heart hurt.
"Say no more," Jaune cut in. "Just… don't think for even a second that I'm doing this for you. I'm doing this for Winter, and only for Winter. And I'm doing this my way, not your way."
They seemed relieved at that, which was great.
Because it meant that he could finally go about getting his revenge the way he wanted to.
It didn't take Jaune any time at all to find himself at Winter's hotel room, which was kind of amazing given that he was constantly having to dodge falling airships, rogue Paladins, and a short-circuiting android that wouldn't stop screaming "Number Five is alive!"
Maybe at some point he would have been concerned about the shady shit Atlas was up to, but at this point he didn't care, because he had a girl to win back.
Raising a hand, Jaune softly rapped on the door. For a few seconds, there was no response, but then he got one in the form of a muffle 'Go away'. Frowning, he once more knocked gently.
"Winter, it's Jaune. Please open up, I want to talk with you."
That definitely earned a response, if the sudden clamor from the other side of the door was any indication. It almost sounded like she propelled herself over to the door using a glyph, but that couldn't be true because… well, he was going to say 'because Winter was too dignified for that', but given that the outside of her hotel room was surrounded by no less than two-dozen empty pints of ice cream, he was pretty sure that dignity had left the building by this point.
The door came flying open, revealing Winter to him for the first time in days. And she looked… well, it was Winter, she could make a fucking EOD suit look flattering with her figure. She was dressed in shorts and a T-shirt (he was surprised she even owned casual clothes), her makeup hadn't been applied, her hair was down instead of being held up in a bun like usual, and the corners of her mouth were stained with what looked like mint chocolate chip ice cream.
And you know what? To him, she still looked like the prettiest girl in the world.
"Jaune," she said, as if she couldn't believe it. "I don't… why are you here?"
It was clear to him what she wanted to ask, but apparently she didn't want to risk giving herself hope for something she thought would never happen. And that honestly made him feel even worse about this whole thing. It wasn't even really his fault – there's only so much you can do when one of the most powerful men in the world threatens to send you to a black site, after all – but it still made him feel like garbage for putting her through all this.
But that just meant that he was going to have to fix it even harder.
"Winter, I'm sorry," he began. "I really didn't want to break up with you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I love you. I want you ba-"
He never got to finish before she suddenly lunged forwards and pressed her lips against his. His eyes widened for a moment before he let himself get lost in the kiss.
Yup, definitely mint chocolate chip.
After a few seconds, she pulled away, doing her best to make it look like she wasn't about to start crying tears of joy. But he knew better than that, though – even the Ice Queen had her tells.
"Well, I… I suppose I could take you back," she said.
Jaune didn't even have the heart to call her out for trying to play coy. He was too busy trying to keep himself from jumping for joy.
"Now then," she began, "I have to know: if you wanted me back so bad, then why break up with me in the first place? Was your family truly so overbearing?"
Ironic coming from her, but there would be time to throw shade at the rest of her family later. For now, all that he cared about was the she got the truth, both because she deserved it and because the tin man could go fuck himself.
As if on cue, he happened to glance out the nearby window, where he saw Ironwood and the Ace Ops standing there, frantically signaling him to stay quiet.
Aw, that's cute – they think they still have power over me.
Maybe at one point they did, but the tables had turned. He held all the cards now, and he was intent on playing every single one of them.
"Actually, that business with my family was a huge lie," he said. "In fact, I never wanted to break up with you in the first place."
"Truly? Then why do it?"
"Well, when one of the most powerful men in the world threatens to have you thrown into a secret prison for the rest of your life because you're dating his subordinate – otherwise known as the only person who's such a workaholic that she's basically not only keeping the entire military running by herself, but she's also keeping him from having to do any work at all – you kind of can't say no."
It took a moment for Winter to process things. It was actually quite something, seeing the look of dumbfounded belief on her face go to sheer rage for a fraction of a second before she went back to her usual calm demeanor.
"You're taking this rather well," Jaune observed.
"Of course," came her response. "How else am I supposed to take realizing that I have several months of accrued leave that I am owed?"
"Ah, I see. Planning to spend it all at once, then?"
"Of course. I was getting quite used to being alone, but now I think I would rather enjoy the company of another for some time. Care to join me?"
"Certainly. But first..."
Jaune stepped into her room, approaching his window and pulling his scroll out. He tabbed over to his bookmarked page – a song on DustTube – before pressing his scroll against the window. Ironwood looked like he was about to blow a gasket, now that he realized that things were only going to get worse for him since Winter was going to cash in her leave as a form of petty revenge.
Unfortunately for him, she wasn't the only one that was petty. Jaune couldn't help but crack a grin as he pressed play and his scroll started to blast music.
"Ragie wagie,
Stomps his feet.
Ragie wagie.
Can't be NEET.
If he does,
He won't eat.
If no slaving,
Sleep in street.
Ragie wagie,
Stomps his feet.
Ragie wagie,
Scared of NEET.
Wagie cry and wagie moan,
Work his fingers to the bone.
Work and work, no time for fun,
Only exit is a gun."
With that, the song ended, and Jaune cracked a huge grin at the General and his squad of sycophants.
"Have fun piecing the military back together, General. I know I'll have fun watching you do it."
And with that, he drew the blinds shut before retreating to his girlfriend's arms… though that lasted only a little bit before she pulled him over to the bed.
Outside, another airship fell to the ground, but Jaune didn't care. Frankly, he was done dealing with Atlas at this point. They could clean up their own mess for once. Plus, it wasn't like those airships were actually needed for anything, right?
...Right?
Less thinking, more fun times with Winter.
Either way, he wasn't about to complain. After all, as far he was concerned, everything here was just perfect.
This one ended up being harder than I thought it'd be, but I think it turned out nicely. I think I'm going to try to get a few of the more difficult-to-work-with characters out of the way over the next few chapters, just because they're not going to get any easier and I might as well hurry up and get them done. Plus, if they turn out like this one did, I'll be more than happy with their overall quality.
Anyway, I'd like to thank my man UnlawfulGentleman for letting me bounce some ideas off of him both for this chapter and a few of the upcoming ones, and for providing the idea of having Winter and Jaune attend sex therapy. I was pretty stuck in this chapter until I started talking with him a bit, so that was very helpful.
Besides that, I don't really have anything else, except to say thank you to all of you for helping me make it to twenty chapters of this fic. The response this thing got has just been utterly unreal, and I can't thank you all enough for it. I owe this fic's success to all of you. Thank you all so much for helping me get here, and I hope that I can continue to entertain you all with my shitposts for a very long time.
Next update: Saturday, September 5.