Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 21: Ozpina (Ozpin R63), or: Shoutout to Mallobaude (For Somehow Making this Pairing Work)
Coming to Beacon had certainly had its fair share of surprises. Jaune certainly hadn't expected being put on a team with a celebrity, for one. He also hadn't expected all the girls in school to look like supermodels. He really hadn't expected that none of his peers would be so blind as to just assume that he hadn't gotten in illegally, but rather that he was just a shitty student.
Seriously, he loved everyone here, but they weren't exactly the brightest bunch. No wonder the Grimm was winning.
Anyway, for as surprising as all of that was, none of it held a candle to the thing he would consider the most surprising. He could have had a million years to consider what his time at Beacon would actually be like, and this would have never crossed his mind a single time.
"Check."
It was just too good to be true.
Sighing, Jaune pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor. He stared at the headmistress before shaking his head. "I don't know why you insist on doing this every time. We both know how this is going to end."
Ozpina simply smirked. "Mister Arc, surely you must understand the value of working for your prize."
"I do, but I'm also aware of the fact that the best things in life are free. All you have to do is ask."
She looked amused to hear him say that. Truthfully, he wasn't being entirely serious – he certainly enjoyed his time with the headmistress, odd as it could be. She definitely had her quirks – an addiction to hot chocolate, an ever-present urge to begin each of their 'meetings' with a round of strip chess, and a compulsive need to see just how much she could push Glynda's buttons before the deputy headmistress had to excuse herself to go blow off some steam.
Oh, and she was also really into anal, but that was neither here nor there.
"I believe it's your turn, Mister Arc."
Jaune turned his attention back to the board. Truthfully, she had him cornered, though that wasn't exactly strange – she was so good at chess that it was almost like she had multiple lifetimes of experience playing the game. But he knew that wasn't the case, because it would be kind of stupid if it was.
Seriously, what next? Were the Gods going to turn out to be real? He'd believe it when he actually saw it for himself, and no sooner.
Staring at the board, Jaune pondered his next move. She truly had him cornered, with his king locked between her queen and her rook. There was one open spot he could move to, but he could already see how this was going to end – he'd move his king, then she'd finish him off by maneuvering her bishop, leaving him with no way out. Sighing, Jaune shook his head.
"I concede the game. You win, headmistress."
"A shame," she said, clearing off the board. "You started off strong this time."
He had, actually – she had gotten both her knights out early on, and through some bizarre stroke of luck, he had managed to take both of them within the first few turns. Of course, part of him was convinced that the only reason she even lost them in the first place was because she was having mercy on him, since their round the previous day had ended with him stark naked before he had even been checkmated, and her with everything still on. Today had been different, though – she had taken her time before even putting him in check for the first time, apparently savoring the fact that he was ready to go.
If there was ever any doubt that Ozpina was a huge troll, it died when he had entered her office a short while ago and seen that she had purposely left the top buttons of her blouse undone just enough to reveal the tops of her breasts. And to make matters worse, she hadn't worn a bra, either. Hell, she had actually leaned down enough to show him just the barest hint of the goods beneath.
Then again, maybe that was part of her strategy. Honestly, with someone as cryptic as her, it was hard to tell when she was trying to titillate him and when she was trying to teach him some kind of weird lesson.
Seriously, only Ozpina could turn a game of strip chess into some real 'wax on, wax off'-style bullshit. Apparently these games were supposed to help his leadership abilities in some way… or so she claimed. Truthfully, Jaune was just pretty sure that all she really wanted was his dick, and this was just her version of foreplay. Weird, but then again she was pretty old-fashioned.
That's what you get for dating an older woman, Jaune.
His parents had always warned him to stay away from cougars, citing the fact that his dad had attracted them non-stop in his teenage years, something which apparently ran in the family if his relationship with the headmistress was any indication. Jaune, of course, hadn't paid them any mind, because what self-respecting teenage boy wouldn't want a hot older woman thirsting after him? If porn had taught him anything, it was that if a cougar approached him, he ought to just fucking do it. Perhaps that explained why he was so quick to give in when Ozpina had first invited him up to her office for one of her 'private leadership training sessions'.
Shaking those thoughts from his mind, Jaune turned back to the headmistress. "Right, you win again. What do you want this time?"
She hummed in thought for a moment. "Truthfully, I think I'd just prefer the old-fashioned way. The classics are classic for a reason, after all."
Jaune wasn't about to argue, given that most of her 'winnings' were often taken in the form of some weird or straight-up contortionist positions. He wasn't so naive as to think an older woman like her was inexperienced, but seriously, just how much experience would a person even need that one of the few ways they could actually get off was a reverse upside-down mating press? It was fucking weird, is what it was.
Anyway, Ozpina beckoned him over to her desk, and he followed. She began unbuttoning her blouse, being sure to take her sweet time with it like the tease she was. Finally, it came off, and Jaune felt his breath hitch. Sure, she was old enough to be his mother, but she still looked absolutely stunning – life as a Huntress had certainly done her well.
"Don't keep me waiting," she stated.
That was all she needed to say. She leaned against her desk as Jaune pressed his lips against hers, then began to fiddle with her skirt, dropping it down to the floor with just a bit of effort. She returned the favor, loosening his belt and unzipping his jeans before dragging them down, leaving them both clad in just their underwear.
The two of them broke the kiss, staring into each other's eyes for a moment.
"Take me," Ozpina said, her tone sultry.
She certainly knew just what to say to him, that was for sure.
"Would Jaune Arc report to the headmistress' office? Repeat: Jaune Arc, report to the headmistress' office."
The others seemed surprised to hear that he was being summoned to Ozpina's office, but he knew better than to think it was anything bad. Still, it was rather early of her to be doing this – he had just sat down for breakfast, after all.
"What'd you do, fearless leader?" Nora asked.
"Seriously," Yang added. "It must have been bad for you to end up getting called in this early."
Jaune waved them off. "Oh, it's nothing like that. Turns out that Ozpina really likes chess, and I happen to be a favorite opponent of hers."
That was the lie they had crafted, of course; after all, it would be a bit scandalous if it got out that the headmistress was sleeping with one of her students. This wasn't the best cover, but it would at least keep the others off of his back.
Besides, it wasn't like they were ever going to learn the truth… not that the truth was anything spectacular, mind you; Ozpina had simply invited him for a game of chess and ended up coming onto him, citing the fact that it had been a long time since she had felt a man's touch and he seemed like a good candidate. He hadn't argued, because why the fuck would he; one thing had led to another, and here they were now. Not the most spectacular tale of hooking up, but he wasn't going to argue with results.
Of course, there was one big problem with his cover story.
Weiss raised an eyebrow. "You're good at chess?"
Jaune shrugged. "Not really, but Ozpina is helping me learn. She says the way I play is very unconventional."
That was just a fancy way of saying that he had no idea what he was doing. That was okay, though – as far as he was concerned, if he didn't know what he was doing, then there was no way she would, either… at least in theory. Truthfully, he had only managed to surprise her a handful of times out of the dozens of games they had played, and even those moments where he had were less 'I'm stunned at your tactical genius' and more 'why the fuck did you just move your knight right into the path of my queen'.
But still, he was learning… and anyway, actually getting good at chess wasn't the point. If anything, it was the opposite of the point. Call him crazy, but kind of liked it when Ozpina took control – it made it easier to figure out what she actually wanted him to do. Him being in the lead generally ended with endless thrusting, and he was pretty sure that wasn't how it was supposed to go.
"Anyway," Jaune announced, "I'll be taking my leave now."
Nobody tried to stop him, which was great because it meant that his shitty excuse was actually working. He wasn't sure what he'd do if anyone found out he was secretly banging the headmistress of Beacon, aside from wearing it like a badge of pride, that is.
Jaune had to admit, he wasn't sure what to expect when it came to seeing Ozpina this early in the morning. She had always seemed pretty refined, so he had figured that she would retain that even early in the morning.
Not the case, it would seem.
Ozpina blinked upon seeing him, then yawned widely. "...Good morning, Jaune."
Jaune stared at her, unsure of what to make of this. She looked… well, still beautiful, but very tired. That was probably a given, though – her job consisted of wrangling a bunch of hormonal teenage shitheads for days on end, so obviously there was going to be a great deal of stress that came with the territory. He wasn't sure why he had expected her to be immune to the woes of dealing with teenagers, but for some reason he had just assumed she would be.
"You, uh, feeling okay?"
She shrugged. "Truthfully, I'm very tired. Running Beacon isn't as easy as you might think."
Funny, because to him, running Beacon seemed like a huge pain in the ass. He loved Nora and Yang, but between the two of them, at least a few classrooms had needed to be refinished already. Glynda just about blew a gasket when she found out the Nora somehow got syrup in the HVAC systems, to the point where Ozpina had needed to restrain her from tearing Nora limb from limb. Honestly, Jaune couldn't even blame Goodwitch for it – that had probably cost a very pretty penny to fix. No wonder tuition was increasing in price year over year.
Thankfully, that hike in tuition didn't affect him so much (being the headmistress' personal boytoy certainly had its fair share of perks), but still, it was cutting it close. That would have been a very nasty conversation to have with Mom. It honestly made him wonder what his plan was – clearly coming to Beacon would cost at least some money, and enough of it that he probably wouldn't have been able to pay for it simply by working a part-time job. Granted, it wasn't nearly as expensive as the regular private schools given the essential service they provided, but still, someone had to pay for their room and board, their meals, and those times when some idiot blew up the chemistry lab, and it wasn't going to be the city of Vale, the cheap bastards.
Anyway, where was he? Right – Ozpina looking like a zombie. Luckily, he had an app for that.
Jaune raised an eyebrow. "Have you had your coffee yet, Ozpina?"
She frowned. "Coffee?"
"Yes, coffee. I'm told that people drink it to wake up in the morning."
"Yes, I know what it is – Doctor Oobleck's coffee bill cuts into a good chunk of our staff financing, hence why there are only like five professors for the whole school. But no, I haven't; I'm more of a hot cocoa woman, myself. Truthfully, I've always meant to give it a try, but I simply never developed the taste for it. I may not seem like it, but I have quite the sweet tooth."
Well, that wouldn't do – she looked like the living dead right now. He was going to have to fix that. Luckily, he knew just how to do it.
"Hold that thought," he said, before turning and heading back towards the elevator. He had a mission in mind for this one, and his destination was the faculty lounge.
Honestly, the lounge was disappointing. He had always figured it would be super-fancy or something, but it just looked like an ordinary office break room. Well, it at least had its own attached bathroom, which meant that the teachers were already living better than the students (seriously, fuck communal showers, he was just about done with guys trying to peek at him). But that wasn't important right now; what was important was his mission.
It was over in mere minutes, and soon enough, Jaune found himself back in Ozpina's office, presenting her with a steaming mug of piping-hot Duncan Hills Coffee.
"Try this," he offered.
She glanced at it, unsure about what to think. "What is it?"
"It's called a cafe mocha, basically a hot chocolate with some shots of espresso in it. Give it a taste, see if it helps."
Ozpina seemed skeptical, but she accepted the mug all the same, drinking from it. Immediately, her eyes lit up.
"Not bad," she commented.
"I can teach you how to make it in a bit, once my classes are done," Jaune said.
At that, he checked the clock, wincing as he did so. Maybe they would have had enough time for quickie or something, but him doing her that favor had used up pretty much all his free time before Port's class. If he wasn't careful, he was going to be late.
"Well, sorry to cut this short, but I'd better go," he stated, turning and beginning to walk back towards the elevator.
Ozpina stopped him by reaching out and gently grabbing his shoulder. "Not so fast, Jaune," she said. He turned towards her, and she simply added, "You seem to have forgotten that we had a private tutoring session scheduled for this time."
He raised an eyebrow, immediately catching on to what she was doing. "We did?"
"Indeed. It would seem that your grade in history class has slipped slightly."
"Shame."
"It certainly is. Seeing as you are one of Beacon's promising young minds, I think it prudent that I properly tutor you in the subject, so you can more easily keep up with your peers."
"I see. I hope Oobleck won't mind me skipping out on his class for a little private instruction."
"Oh, I'm sure I can make him see reason."
Needless to say, there was very little academic tutoring being done that morning. There was certainly plenty being done on the art of tantric sex, though. Ozpina definitely knew how to have a good time.
That is to say, she was having way too much of a good time, and by the fifth round, Jaune was spent.
Groaning, Jaune leaned back on her desk, wiping sweat from his brow as his chest heaved with heavy breaths. He didn't know what had happened – they had gone for longer than they ever had before; in the past, she had always been the one to give out first since she had at least three decades on him, but now? Now, she was insatiable.
"Jaune," she stated, resting her head on the desk next to him.
"Yes, Ozpina?"
"Let's go again."
His only response was to groan. "Ozpina, I'd love to-"
"Excellent. Would you like another condom?"
"-But I think I'm spent. That, and I really have to get to class at some point today."
Skipping one class was fine, especially if it was Port's, but skipping Goodwitch's class? No thank you, he very much enjoyed keeping his balls.
To his dismay, the headmistress merely waved him off. "As far as Glynda is concerned, you're sick."
"She's not gonna buy that, you know."
"She doesn't have a choice, since I'm her boss."
"Doesn't she keep things running around here anyway? What if she decides she's had enough?"
Ozpina instantly paused. "...That's a good point, but let me provide a counter-argument: I'm still horny. Now, are you good to go for round six?"
No, no he fucking wasn't. What had gotten into her, anyway? Normally she was good for a round or two, but this was ridiculous. What had changed? It had to have been something mundane, that he wouldn't ordinarily have noticed.
Slowly, his eyes drifted over to the coffee mug sitting on the other side of her desk, which had long since been completely drained. Groaning, Jaune brought a hand up to rub at his face.
"Oh, fuck me..."
"Is that an invitation?" Ozpina asked, immediately perking up.
"No, it's a figure of speech. How much coffee did you drink, anyway?"
"That depends on how much was in the pot."
"...You drank the whole pot?"
"In my defense, I told you I had a sweet tooth, and it was worth it not to feel like the walking dead early in the morning for once."
Well, that was both bad news and good news. Bad news because in addition to containing far more caffeine than her MILF heart could likely handle for long, coffee was also a hell of a diuretic, so at some point things were going to get messy. Good news in that by his estimation, the crash would be coming right about…
Suddenly, Ozpina let out a wide yawn. "Jaune…? Why do I suddenly feel like I'm dying?"
"The caffeine is wearing off," Jaune reported. "Well, either that or all that sugar has finally caught up with you. Should I call a doctor?"
"No, I think I'll be fine, I just… carry me to my room, would you?"
She didn't even wait for him to say yes before collapsing into his arms, fast asleep. That was a problem because they were both very naked, and her room was a long ways away. That probably doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but his reputation was at stake here – he couldn't afford to let anyone know what was going on between him and the headmistress.
Well, anyone besides Glynda, that is. It was kind of weird, how her and Ozpina had this two-way blackmail thing going – Glynda couldn't hold their relationship over Ozpina's head because Ozpina paid her salary, and Ozpina couldn't leverage the fact that she paid Glynda's salary to get her to do whatever she wanted. It was this super-weird version of a Vacuan standoff, where nobody won or lost so long as neither of them made a move, but where they were both guaranteed to lose if either of them tried anything.
Basically, it was like General Ironwood whenever he tried to plan an operation.
...Okay, maybe not that bad.
Sighing, Jaune gently placed the sleeping headmistress on the ground before starting to gather up her clothes and dress both her and himself. It was tedious and kind of annoying, having to do this, but it was better than the alternative, which was having the whole school find out about them; the last thing he needed was for the fact that he was in a relationship with her to get around.
Speaking of that, what even was their relationship? They weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, that was for sure. At the same time, it didn't feel right to call them friends with benefits; not that they weren't friends and that there weren't any benefits, but it just didn't seem like the right term to use for a woman who was more than old enough to be his mother.
Fuck it, we'll just call it a degenerate forbidden student-teacher relationship. Not like anyone is going to find out, anyway.
That wasn't very satisfying of an answer, but on the bright side, it at least left his relationship better defined than whatever the fuck Ren and Nora had going on, which at this point was just confusing and sad more than anything. Talk about a frankly ridiculous amount of sexual tension. Jaune hadn't seen willful ignorance that bad since Cardin first opened his mouth in Oobleck's class, and that moron had flat-out been openly racist enough to instantly earn a detention for it.
Anyway, that wasn't the point right now. The point was that he had a caffeine'd-out Ozpina to carry back to her room, as well as some excuses to think up along the way, because the odds of him actually managing to pull this off without getting spotted were about as good as the odds of Coco suddenly deciding that she wanted to ask him out, which is to say non-existent.
Picking up his not-quite-friend-with-benefits, Jaune began the arduous task of carrying her back to her room.
If I somehow manage to get through this without someone finding out, I'm gonna immediately go into town and buy a lottery ticket.
As it turned out, he had indeed managed to get through putting Ozpina to bed without getting caught. He had also stayed true to his word and bought a lottery ticket, but unfortunately lightning apparently only struck once these days, unless you were Nora. Then again, she had a habit of wearing highly conductive clothing and standing out in the middle of thunderstorms, so the rules didn't really apply to her.
Anyway, Jaune was currently sitting in class, bored out of his skull. It took him a moment to remember exactly which class it was, because aside from Goodwitch's class, they were all like this. You'd think that Ozpina would be able to find some better teachers to train humanity's finest, but apparently not. Why else would she keep people like Port and Oobleck around?
Thankfully, he was saved by the intercom coming to life.
"Would Jaune Arc please report to the headmistress' office? Repeat: Jaune Arc to the headmistress' office."
His friends all looked at him in surprise as he rose from his seat.
"Geez, you're real popular with the headmistress these days," Yang observed.
"What'd you do this time?" Ruby asked.
"I have no idea," Jaune replied.
"Well, you clearly did something," Weiss stated, glaring at him. "I find it hard to believe that she'd call you up in the middle of class just because she wanted to play chess with you."
Oh, if only she knew the truth, which was a lot dumber. Sexier, but dumber. Still, he couldn't argue with the benefits of it all.
"Anyway, I'm off," Jaune announced. He didn't bother waiting for them to respond before taking off.
The trip to Ozpina's office was the same as always, which meant it was as dull as ever, aside from Goodwitch chasing after that midget from Haven in a futile attempt at trying to get her to actually go to class for once. But that wasn't important right now, so Jaune ignored it.
Making his way to the top of Beacon's tower, Jaune was surprised to find that Ozpina wasn't siting behind her desk and looking mysterious like usual. Rather, she was pacing back and forth, looking very nervous.
"Uh, Ozpina?" Jaune announced.
Instantly, she glanced over to him, surprised. That gave way to relief very quickly, though. "Jaune," she said. "Good of you to come."
"Any time. What did you need me for? The usual, I take it?"
Surprisingly, she shook her head. "No… no, unfortunately it's a lot less pleasurable than that, at least for now."
That got his attention. What could possibly have her so worked up like this?
"Well, clearly there's a story there," Jaune observed.
"Indeed, there is," Ozpina replied. "It's a very long story, and not much time to tell it, I'm afraid. But given that you're now involved, I have no choice but to bring you into the fold."
"Uh, okay. So, what's so important?"
Ozpina bit her lip, seeming to weight her options. Finally, she shook her head, having made her decision.
"Tell me, Jaune – what's your favorite fairy tale?"
"...Wow, that's a tough question," he said, perplexed. "Honestly, I've never watched very much of it. That Erza girl is pretty hot, but then that blonde guy does sound a lot like Sun..."
"Not what I meant. What's your favorite fairy tale, as in the story?"
"Oh. Um, I'm not really familiar with many. You'd have to ask someone like Ruby-"
"You know what? I'm just going to start explaining, I think that will be enough," Ozpina said. "Anyway, here's a story called The Girl in the Tower…"
What followed was the single most ridiculous thing Jaune had ever heard in his entire life, and he had lived through hearing Nora try to do algebra. In no way did it make sense or even maintain internal consistency with the rest of what he knew about the world. The whole thing seemed to come out of nowhere, as if someone had pulled it out of their ass last-second to cover up the rest of Remnant's poorly-explained history. It raised so many different questions, yet provided answers to none of them. But there was one question that reigned above all others.
"So you're bisexual, then?"
Ozpina simply stared at him, unamused. Jaune stared back. Finally, she sighed. "...Yes, I am. Salem was my wife."
"I see. Another question, if you will."
"Shoot, I guess. It can't be worse than the last one."
"You're bisexual, you're surrounded by a school full of ultra-hot young women, yet you went for me?"
"Well, sometimes a girl just needs a nice dick in her life. Also, throughout all my lives, I've gotten to know the Arc family very extensively."
Bells began to ring throughout his head, and he instantly paled. Memories of pictures he had seen of the only silver-haired woman in Arc family history, one who was wise beyond her years, came to mind. "...Great aunt Olivia?"
"Correct, though most remember me as the Queen of Vale."
Jaune instantly felt sick to his stomach. Thankfully, she pushed a trash can over to him just in time.
"If it makes you feel better, we're so far removed on the family tree that there is almost zero blood relation between us," she informed him. "You're essentially my sixth nephew seven times removed."
That didn't make any sense, nor did it make him feel much better.
"Jaune, I know this is probably weird, but I've been around for so long that I am quite literally related to almost everybody on Remnant," Ozpina stated.
Jaune stared at her in shock. "How… exactly how many children have you given birth to over the years…?"
"Trust me, you don't want to know. And let's just leave it at that. Anyway, do you feel better?"
Admittedly, it did feel a little better, knowing that Ozpina was related to basically everyone and that he wasn't actually some kind of super-degenerate. Weird too, but still.
"Right..." Jaune stated, pushing the trash can away. "I'm just glad to have that out of my system."
"Excellent. Then we can get to the real reason why you're here."
"It wasn't just to let me know the truth about everything that's going on in the world, including how hopelessly boned we all are if Salem ever decides to take us seriously for even a bit?"
"No, but thank you for putting that into perspective, I definitely needed that bit of existential horror with my morning coffee. I'll definitely have to do a bit more planning after today. But anyway, that's not really why I called you here. No, I called you here for a much more important reason."
Jaune raised an eyebrow. Ozpina took a breath, blushing. "...Now, I know that we're an item, and I know I should have let you know about this beforehand, but I honestly forgot; time has a way of passing by when you're an immortal."
He had to bite his tongue to keep from informing her that she literally lived in a giant clock. "Okay, what's this about? Is there something going on?"
"In a way. You see, many years ago, Salem and I came to an… agreement, you might say."
"Agreement?"
"That's a very polite way of putting it, but yes. You see, it's difficult for an immortal to make their way throughout Remnant. Sometimes, you just need a little clean release with someone who truly understands you."
Well, that told him more than he ever wanted to know. "Wait, so you're telling me that you still meet up with Salem – who by this point is a crazy, immortal, Grimm-human thing who hates humanity and wants to see us all exterminated – and you two bang?"
"...That's a crude way of putting it, but yes."
"Just wanted to make sure I had everything right. Why tell me this now, by the way?"
"Simple: today's the day we scheduled to meet up. Hence my haste in calling you here."
Well, that was convenient. "So, I trust there's a reason why I'm here. Where exactly do I fit in with all of this?"
Ozpina opened her mouth to respond, but didn't get a chance to before a portal opened in the center of the room. It was a deep black, rippling with bolts of red light. Jaune watched, speechless, as the portal seemed to expand outward before collapsing in on itself. Where it once stood, there was now a woman, but unlike any other woman Jaune had ever seen. She had bone-white skin, marred with purple veins, and eyes of an incredibly deep red-and-black.
If he was being honest, she was about as terrifying as she was hot.
This could only be Salem, then. Not like there were any other Grimm-people wandering around he had to know about, especially not one that was plotting to destroy the school, not at all.
Salem's gaze immediately settled onto Ozpina, her eyes narrowing. "Ozpina."
"Salem," the headmistress said. Both of their tones were completely neutral, though there was an underlying sense of malice that passed between them nonetheless.
"Shall we begin, then?"
"In a bit. For now, I'd like you to meet Jaune Arc."
Ozpina gestured over to him, causing Salem to look his way. Immediately, Jaune shrank in on himself, unsure of how to respond to being appraised by someone like her. Part of him honestly expected that she would just rip out his heart and show it to him or something, possibly while chanting some weird-sounding bullshit.
God, Temple of Doom was a fucking shit movie.
Thankfully, she didn't do anything, instead simply turning back to Ozpina.
"He's along for the ride, then?"
"He is," Ozina confirmed.
Wait, what the fuck? Was this actually happening?
"H-hold on!" Jaune managed to stammer out. "I didn't sign up for this!"
Ozpina and Salem exchanged a glance with each other. "Jaune, I get that this is sudden, but come on," Ozpina deadpanned.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You literally have the chance to have sex with two smoking hot older women right now, both of whom have centuries of experience. We know all the ways to treat you just right. Would you really deny yourself this opportunity?"
Well, when she put it that way, it suddenly got a lot harder to resist. But Papa Arc had always warned him against thinking with his cock first, so he had to be smart about this.
"Okay, I need to be sure about this," he stated emphatically. "This is just going to be a one-time thing, right?"
"Unless you wish for something more," Salem stated, absentmindedly checking her nails. "We do this every year. Even immortals need a break from time to time, and who better to share it with than another immortal, especially one who knows your deepest desires from your time together?"
"That's still fucking weird to me, but you know what, that's far from the weirdest thing I've heard today. Just the fact that you even exist is throwing me for a loop, no offense."
"None taken."
"Anyway," Ozpina cut in. "Now that introductions are out of the way, we can get down to business."
If that was what they were going to call it. Jaune wouldn't complain either way. Part of him was tempted to since he would basically be sleeping with his great aunt and also a Grimm lady, but honestly, this whole situation had become so fucked up that it had actually looped around to becoming arousing again. It was like a shameful fap: you know you shouldn't be doing it, but you're honestly too horny to care, and have decided to push feeling the shame until after you're done.
In any case, he was far past the point of no return by this point. Good thing he was wearing two belts, or else his pants might have actually had trouble staying on. And to think that Coco liked to make fun of his fashion choices.
"Okay," Jaune stated. "Let's do this. I trust there will be no competition here?"
"Jaune," Ozpina began, "Salem and I have done this many, many times. I think we've gotten all the competition out of our systems."
Well, that was reassuring. When she put it like that, it almost seemed like nothing could go wrong. Of course, he was wise enough to these things that he knew that somehow fucking everything would end up going wrong, but again, he was too horny to care at this point.
Nodding, Jaune looked back over to the two of them. "Okay, let's do it."
As it turned out, that was all he needed to say before his pants were around his ankles, and he found himself in the weirdest threesome Remnant had ever seen.
As it turned out, Jaune had been right on the money when he had figured that everything would go wrong. He'd had no idea of just how wrong, but as it turned out, they ended up going a lot more wrong than he thought.
A shame that it took him up to the point where Ozpina was having him shove chess pieces up her ass for him to realize that.
And only now, as he was watching an immortal ancestor of his get into a naked mud wrestling match with the immortal queen of Grimm, did he realize that maybe this wasn't the good idea he thought it was. Not that that would stop him, of course; again, shame had left the building long ago, and wouldn't be coming back until he got his rocks off at least a few more times.
He just wished that they had kept some of their freakier shit to themselves. Turns out that when you're an immortal who's been exposed to every manner of degeneracy known to the world, you start to acquire some very peculiar tastes. Thankfully they seemed to get that he still had a sense of modesty about these things, so they had saved the really hard BDSM for each other, and simply let him take a break during all of that instead.
Good thing, too – that thing they did with the cactus looked painful. Thankfully Salem could regenerate, otherwise there might have actually been some lasting damage there.
Speaking of Salem, Jaune was certainly learning quite a lot about anatomy, thanks to her immortality. Turns out that her tastes tended towards the more extreme side of BDSM, as befitting her reputation as the queen of all evil. You ever see Hellraiser?
Anyway, what was really important was that Ozpina and Salem were into some really fucked-up shit, and he wanted no part of that. Also, apparently Salem being able to regenerate meant she was technically still a virgin, if you catch his drift, but that was neither here nor there.
Eventually, it was all over, and Jaune found himself being sent back to Beacon tower alongside Ozpina.
"Good of you both to come," Salem said as she dropped them off. "Ozpina, I look forward to trying to kill you again starting tomorrow, you self-righteous bitch."
"And I look forward to stopping your plans yet again, you psychotic witch."
"Whore."
"Dirty slut."
The two went back-and-forth, all while Jaune tuned it out. He still wasn't sure if this counted as pillow talk or not, considering they were saying the same things to each other back when Ozpina was bending Salem's legs behind her head and making her go all ahegao, or if they were actually back to hating each other instead of hate-fucking each other. Either way, it didn't concern him; he'd had his fun, and now he just wanted to go to bed and sleep for like a week. Seriously, the last time Ozpina had made him this tired had been when she had flung him off a cliff at the start of the school year.
And funnily enough, he was probably about as likely to die from that as he was from getting into a threesome with these two. Seriously, so much disturbing stuff...
Eventually, Salem and Ozpina broke apart (after sharing one last tongue kiss) and Salem went to her own little slice of hell she called a home, leaving just him and the headmistress. Jaune stared at the headmistress, uncertain about what to say before finally deciding to just go with stream-of-consciousness, because it wasn't like he could make things weirder than they already were.
"Well, that got really out of hand."
"Yes, my meetings with Salem tend to," Ozpina replied. She took a step forward, her face suddenly scrunching up. "Hold that thought."
Then she reached up under her skirt and came back out with a chess piece – the white queen, of course – eyeing it before shrugging and letting it fall on the ground. Jaune stared at it stone-faced, but was quick to make a note of it.
Note to self: make sure that she has a new chess set the next time you play a game with her, because ew.
"Anyway," Ozpina announced, "I trust that now you want nothing more than to go back to your room, considering how late it is?"
"Yes, but first I have to think of a compelling excuse."
"To be frank, I've found that honesty is the best policy. Tell them you were busy having depraved sex with the insane queen of Grimm."
"Does that actually work?"
"Yes, because nobody sane would ever believe you, they'll just think you're lying and leave it at that."
Huh. He had to admit, he could see the logic. It was logic that had been turned into so many knots that it was probably starting to resemble Salem's rectal cavity before it got a chance to regenerate, but logic was still logic, no matter how deformed.
"Anyway," Jaune began, "I'm just glad that I was able to make it through today, and nothing weird hap-"
He was cut off by Ozpina suddenly breaking into a large coughing fit. She suddenly doubled over, sounding as if she was hacking up a lung. Jaune was helpless to do anything as she was suddenly wracked by illness.
The coughs lasted for awhile before finally dying down, and only then did Jaune deign to say something.
"...Hospital, then?"
"That… would probably be wise…" Ozpina gasped out.
And that was as far as she got before she collapsed, and Jaune sent out a call for emergency services.
"Trust Salem to have one last trick up her sleeve..." Ozpina muttered from her spot in the hospital bed. "Should have known that she'd take advantage of our arrangement to off me someday... Figures she'd eventually develop a taste for snuff..."
Currently, it was just the two of them in her hospital room. Everyone else had already come and gone, but she had requested that he stay so they could have a one-on-one talk.
"I just don't get it," Jaune said.
"I know. You… think you know someone..."
No, he was actually trying to point out that he didn't get how Salem managed to only poison Ozpina given that all of them had been partaking in the same degeneracy. Then again, maybe it had happened around the time he had ducked out. He wasn't sure; he had kind of stopped paying attention to what they were doing around the time Ozpina started busting out the branding iron, so he had no way of knowing for sure. All he knew was that he hadn't been poisoned, but Ozpina had been.
It was tragic, but then again it was probably to be expected. At some point, someone was going to die during one of her and Salem's sessions, and there was no guarantee that it would only be Salem.
"Jaune..." Ozpina said. "You… you remember how it works, don't you?"
"The soul transfer?" She nodded. "Yes, yes I do."
"And… we're still good, right?"
Well, that was a surprise. He had expected her to want to find someone new to jump onto rather than stay with him. He wasn't going to complain, though. "Of course, Ozpina."
"I'll… call you..."
And just like that, she took her last breath. The ECG began to flatline, and doctors rushed in to try and save her, but Jaune knew that was it. His hot headmistress was gone.
...For about five minutes.
So he stepped out into the hallway and pulled out his scroll, waiting anxiously for her call. Of course, he knew that she had no way of controlling who she ended up in, but whoever they were, he knew it would be okay – Ozpina had a great personality and she treated him right, so there was practically zero chance of this being a deal-breaker.
And just like that, his scroll began to ring. Curiously, it wasn't actually a random number – in fact, it was someone he already knew quite well. Frowning, Jaune took the call.
"Hello, Mother."
To his surprise, something about Mama Arc looked different. She had a weird look in her eye, as if she was wise beyond her years all of a sudden, and-
That was all it took for him to get it. Instantly, his expression fell. Willing himself to look back at the screen, he noticed his 'mother' looking at him with a very embarrassed expression on her face, one that clearly indicated that she now knew far more about her only son than she had ever wanted to. She cleared her throat, and then began to speak in a voice that told him his worst fears had been realized.
"Well," she said, her voice coming out slightly different than he had heard all his life, "this is certainly very awkward."
That was the last thing that Jaune heard before he blacked out.
My quest to mess with the Arc family continues.
Anyway, I have mixed feelings about this chapter. I didn't really know how to mess with Ozpin's name, so I took a page out of Mallobaude's book and just went with the name he used for R63 Ozpin, because it was honestly better than whatever I could come up with. If you're going to credit anyone for it, credit him, not me. You can also credit him for the setup I did here in the form of strip chess, which is absolutely something he did first, and I decided to implement because it fits R63 Ozpin so damn well.
Anyway, I really tried my best to not just blatantly rip-off Mallo for the entire chapter, because he already did this crack pairing so well and I didn't want to just copy him. That meant less time spent messing with Ozpin's inner circle and more time spent with Salem herself. So if you're wondering why Glynda didn't get an appearance here, that's why – I initially tried to involve her and the rest of the circle in some way, but it ended up being so similar to what Mallo did that it felt like I was blatantly stealing from him, so I scrapped it. If you want that, go read his fic instead (which you should do anyway because it's really good). He goes more in-depth on the strip chess thing than I did here and actually treats it seriously instead of a big joke, and it ended up being fantastic. Definitely recommended.
Anyway, this isn't one of my favorite chapters. The setup basically isn't mine and the stuff with the coffee was meh, but I wasn't sure what else to do for Ozpin. I did have fun with everything else, though – the stuff with Salem and then Ozpina reincarnating into Mama Arc. That was fun to write. Honestly though, Ozpin is just a hard character to work with. I could have gone into stuff with Oscar (speaking of, anyone have a good name for R63 Oscar? I'm at a loss) but I'd rather save that for its own individual chapter, so that leaves me with very little to work with overall. It's in that weird spot where I don't have much to work with, but it's just enough that I can't use my headcanon to just go nuts with it.
All that aside, I can say that the next chapter is going to be a fun one. It didn't start out that way, but it certainly ended up like that.
Next update: Saturday, September 19.