Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Neo, or: We All Cream for Ice Cream
"Jaune, stay back! We'll handle this!"
Jaune didn't even get a chance to argue before Yang pushed him aside, rushing into the fray. The others paid him little mind as they ran in after her, weapons at the ready. He blinked, then turned to his team.
"Alright, let's-"
But that was as far as he got before Nora took off with a cry of 'Nora smash!' with Ren following not far behind. Dismayed, he turned to Pyrrha, only to find her looking very bashful.
"Sorry, Jaune," she began. To her credit, she did sound genuinely apologetic, but then again she had apologies down to an art form. "It's not that we don't think you can fight, it's just… well, they're terrorists, and they'll be trying to kill you, so..."
As if on cue, a large explosion ripped through the docks, which he could tell was Nora's doing not just because of its size, but also because it was followed immediately thereafter by her joyous laughter. Turning back to Pyrrha, he nodded, doing his best not to let his disappointment show.
"No, I get it. You're right – I'm just not ready for this sort of thing yet, I suppose. No hard feelings."
That seemed to make her perk up. "You mean it?"
Again, he nodded, this time adding a small grin. "Of course. I know you're all just worried about me. I get it. Now, I think you should probably head down there before Nora breaks someone's leg." A loud snap filled the air, followed by someone screaming 'My leg!' "Before Nora breaks anyone else's leg," Jaune quickly amended.
Pyrrha took that as her cue, readying her weapon and giving him a small grin before jumping off the rooftop and landing down in the center of the chaos. The fight immediately picked up as she began to tear through the White Fang's resistance. None of them stood a chance against her, let alone the other six fighters. It should have made him happy to see that his friends were safe, but truthfully, it made him feel a bit empty.
They were right, of course – this was beyond his current skill level. If he went in, he'd just be a liability. Sighing, Jaune sheathed his sword and began to walk away, only for a hand on his shoulder to stop him.
"Friend-Jaune, where are you going?" Penny inquired.
"Somewhere else," he replied. "It's probably not safe for me to be here."
That wasn't entirely true. He expected that his friends would keep him safe… but honestly, he just couldn't bear to see them in action at the moment, as it was nothing but a stark reminder of just how poorly he stacked up. He really needed some fresh air, and standing on top of a building next to the harbor was not doing it for him.
Seriously, it smelled like Blake's breath up here.
Penny seemed concerned, though – too concerned to just let him go.
"Friend-Jaune, I think you should remain here," she implored. "The others would not appreciate it if you left."
Alright, this called for drastic measures. He liked Penny – how could you not? – but right now, he really wanted to be alone, and she wasn't helping. So it was time for Plan B.
"Hey Penny, could you answer a question for me?" he asked.
She perked up at that. "Anything, friend-Jaune! What is your question?"
"What doth life?"
"Sure! One moment, please. Processing… processing… processing… proc-essing… pr-oc-essing… proc..."
She trailed off after that, her smile fading and her eyes turning vacant.
"Depth overload," she proclaimed in a dull monotone, much to Jaune's confusion. "Depth overload. Depth overload. Depth overload."
Jaune stared at her, perplexed. Truthfully, he had just intended to throw her for a loop – she was weird enough that he figured she'd ruminate on this question for at least long enough for him to make his escape – but for some reason, she was acting like a computer that had just had a catastrophic error.
"Uh, Penny?" Jaune ventured. "You okay?"
"Depth overload," she repeated. "Depth overload. Depth overload. Depth overload."
Jaune blinked once more. Slowly, he pulled Penny's hand off his shoulder, trying his best not to react too harshly when her arm stayed extended in the air rather than lower to her side.
"Ah, right," he said carefully. "I'm just gonna… go take a walk, I guess. Call me if you need me."
"Depth overload. Depth overload. Depth-"
He didn't stick around to hear what else she had to say, probably because he knew it would be the same answer repeated.
Definitely something weird about that girl. Not sure what, though, he mused as he descended the stairs.
The streets of Vale were so crowded that one could have been forgiven for not knowing that there was currently a massive battle going on at the docks. Jaune had heard stories about how apathetic urbanites could be to anything strange – there was a reason why the city of Vale's unofficial motto was 'keep Vale weird' – but this was ridiculous. He was only like five minutes away from the docks, hell he could still hear the gunshots going off! Yet these people didn't seem to care one single bit.
Man, I hate the city, Jaune mused to himself as he watched a pedestrian nearly get side-swiped by a speeding car. It smells like ass, the people are weird, it's full of trash, and I can't tell if these homeless guys are the good homeless guys who are just panhandling to afford some meth or if they're the bad homeless guys who will get shot for trying to rob a Dust shop.
Still, he continued to walk on, not really having a destination in mind. The smart thing to do would be to go back to the airport and hitch a ride back to Beacon, but he wasn't ready to face Goodwitch's wrath just yet, so that wasn't about to happen. With nothing left to do, he allowed himself to just wander aimlessly, trying his hardest to stave off his depression.
Now, Jaune wasn't exactly an experienced citygoer, otherwise he would have known not to go down the alleys. As anyone who has spent time in a city can tell you, nothing good happens in alleys, unless you consider getting mugged, getting propositioned by STD-ridden hookers, or getting addicted to crack 'good'. But Jaune didn't know any of that, which is why he was surprised when, upon turning into an alley and finding himself at a dead end, a shadow fell over him.
He turned around, and was immediately struck by what he saw. It was a girl, and a very small girl at that – one might be tempted to call her pint-sized, which made sense given that she looked like ice cream.
Bad puns aside, she was leering at him with a very smug grin, and hoisting what appeared to be an umbrella over her shoulder. She took a few steps forwards, her high heels clicking against the ground. Jaune could only raise an eyebrow as she came closer, her eyes seeming to glint in the moonlight with an emotion he couldn't place.
"Can I help you?" he ventured.
She instantly paused, stopping a few feet away from him with a wide grin on her face. She shook her head at his question, which made him frown.
"There's no need to be shy, you know. I know you followed me for a reason."
That earned him a tilt of her head, as if she was confused.
"It'll be fine," he reassured, giving her what he hoped was a comforting grin. He was pretty sure he knew why she had followed him, mainly because there was a very short list of reasons why a young girl would follow someone like him in the first place.
"We can find your mommy together, little girl."
Whatever confidence she had seemed to shatter instantly, replaced with bewilderment and a hint of rage. She looked behind her, only to turn back around with an angry look on her face. Unfortunately for her, Jaune had already started walking towards her, gently taking her by the hand.
"It'll be alright," he assured her as she froze in his grasp, seemingly stunned and flustered that they were holding hands. "We can find her together. Do you remember where you last saw her?"
Still, she said nothing. Jaune frowned. "Tongue-tied, huh? Well, that's okay – we can go look for her together. Say, do you like ice cream?"
That earned him a reaction, in the form of a brief flash of joy crossing her face before it was replaced with more malice, though it evaporated instantly when he opened his mouth again.
"Tell you what – I'll buy you some ice cream at that nearby ice cream stand, and we can wait for your mommy together. That sound good?"
Again, she didn't say anything, but she didn't need to – the look on her face was more than enough to tell him that the concept of free ice cream had more than placated her.
With that, she instantly did an about-face, just about dragging him out of the alley and over to the ice cream stand. Jaune barely had time to register what was happening before she pointed out the deluxe sundae – of course, the most expensive item on the stand's menu. Seeing the price, he blanched.
What fresh hell have I just gotten myself into?
As it turned out, his fresh hell turned out to be a lot less hellish than he had expected. Sure, it had been hell on his wallet, but that was about as bad as it got. Because as it turned out, he had been wrong about a few different things.
Number one, and arguably the second most important: she wasn't actually a young kid, she was just short. Very, very short. Like, fucking tiny. It was actually really cute, not that he would tell her that.
Number two, less important but still important: whatever her intentions with him were when she had first followed him down that alley, they were now changed. Normally that might have been cause for concern, but not in this case.
Number three, and the most important: It turned out that the way to a woman's heart wasn't actually through her ribcage (like Saphron had taught him) or through her uterus (like his mother had taught him). Rather, it was through her stomach, if the very satisfied look Neo was giving him was any indication.
Which was fantastic, because she had just about eaten him out of house and home. That ice cream guy had closed up shop early.
Still, the point was, the girl had now had her craving for sweets satisfied. And apparently, that was all it took to get on her good side.
"Thanks for the snack, Jaune," she typed on her scroll.
Jaune cocked an eyebrow at that, but didn't say anything. If eating seven extra-large deluxe sundaes was her idea of a snack, he hated to see what she considered a meal. Her metabolism must have been insane.
"Say," she said, typing on her scroll again. "What are you doing right now?"
He rubbed the back of his head. "Well, I was going to head back to Beacon, I guess. Got nothing better to do."
Left unsaid was that he couldn't afford anything better to do, as she had eaten him out of his savings account.
The least you could have done was tell me you weren't actually a lost little girl looking for her mother before sundae number five.
Then again, he was the idiot who had bought her two more on top of that. In his defense, it was hard to resist when a cute girl asked you for something. Plus, it was just money – if he really needed more, he could always get a job somewhere.
Neo began to type on her scroll again, getting his attention before showing it to him. "Man, that was a lot of calories. Good thing I happen to know a good way of burning off calories."
"You do?" he asked, genuinely curious.
She nodded, giving him a glance from head to toe. "I do. Consider yourself lucky – when I was told to get you out of the picture, I initially planned to just deal with you the traditional way. But now, I've thought of a better way of keeping you occupied."
"...Why would you need to keep me-"
"That's not important," she hurriedly typed. "What is important is this: are you in, or are out?"
"That depends on what I'm agreeing-"
"Not what I asked. Let's put it this way: do you want a good time, or not?"
Jaune was confused at first, but then realization dawned when he saw the look she was giving him. Flushing red, he held his hands up.
"Whoa, whoa! I appreciate the offer, but isn't this going a little too fast?"
"It's just a quick fuck, Jaune."
"W-well, it's just… I kinda… n-not that I don't think you're pretty, but… shouldn't my first time be, you know, special?"
She gave him a blank look – the kind of blank look someone might give to their drunk friend when he comes back home at three in the morning and immediately rushes over to the bathroom, interrupting the people who were just trying to watch Sword of the Stranger. It was a look that told him everything he needed to know about what she thought of him at this very moment.
Now, Jaune was many things, but in this moment, he knew that a man of willpower wasn't one of them.
Sighing, he looked back to her. "...Are you really going to do this just because I bought you like a hundred lien's worth of ice cream?"
She giggled softly. "No, I'm doing this because I have to keep you busy somehow, and you're the first real nice guy I've met in years. It's either this or stabbing you in the back and leaving you to asphyxiate on your own blood."
He really hoped that wasn't as literal as the text made it sound. Still, it didn't take a genius to realize which of those two options was better, especially not when he realized that this was the perfect revenge on his friends.
Fuck you people, you can have fun fighting the White Fang while I have fun sleeping with a cute girl for the first time.
He just hoped this wasn't as sketchy as it seemed, because he'd hate to wake up in a bathtub filled with ice and missing both of his kidneys.
As it turned out, kidney removal was not on Neo's list of fetishes. No, she was actually as vanilla as that one bit of her hair. Yes, that bit. Not that you expected anything different – only an idiot would think the carpet wouldn't match the drapes in this case.
Anyway, the point was, the night was actually pretty enjoyable. Jaune got his rocks off, Neo had a good time too, and they went their separate ways, having agreed that it would just be a one-time thing. At least, that was the plan.
Which was why he was confused as to why Neo was currently sitting in his lip in Beacon's cafeteria, taking bites out of his waffle while all his friends stared at her in a mixture of confusion (in the case of Ren, Blake, and Ruby), amusement (in the case of Nora and Yang), and dismay (in the case of Pyrrha).
"So," Yang began, a wide smirk on her face. "Got something you want to share with the rest of us, Jaune?"
"Apparently," he replied. He looked over to Neo, who gave him a smug glance back. "I was under the impression that this was going to be a one-night thing. Not that I'm complaining, mind you – I just want to know what made you change your mind."
She shrugged. "You're a nice guy and a good lay. Do I need another reason to get attached? Besides, you said you weren't complaining."
All true, he had to admit. "So, what does this make us?"
"It'll make us boyfriend and girlfriend as soon as you take me out tonight. Vytalian, down near the business district – their veal is to die for."
"Gelato too, I imagine."
"Oh, you know me so well already! I'll cut you a deal – you buy dessert, and I'll buy dinner."
"Sounds good."
He just hoped she only ordered one round of dessert, because he was already having to comfort his wallet like it was a woman in labor, while listening to his bank account's screams for mercy.
On the other side of the table, Pyrrha seemed to be in disbelief. "Wha- just like that? All it took was someone being direct with you?!"
Jaune looked over to her, confused. "Something wrong?"
She grit her teeth before standing up. "Nothing, nothing. Excuse me, I have to go burn off some energy."
"But we have class in five-"
"Burning off some energy!"
With that, she stormed off, clearly very angry about something. Jaune wasn't sure what, but he knew he'd have to make it up to her somehow. The rest of his friends were staring at him like they couldn't believe what they had just witnessed, which only made him even more confused.
"Something wrong?" he asked.
"No offense, but you're as dense as a hammer," Nora replied. "And trust me, I know how dense hammers can get."
"Careful, sister," Neo warned. "That's my man you're talking about. I may not have a hammer, but that won't stop me from pounding you into the wall like you're a nail."
"Well, she's certainly a feisty one," Weiss commented.
"Whatever you say, Princess A-Cup."
Weiss sputtered, then shot Neo a glare. "Why you little…! I should-"
"Weiiiiis!" Ruby whined. "Don't make fun of people for being small!"
"I wasn't making fun of her for being small!"
"You called her little! That's mean!"
"She is little! What next, am I not allowed to call Yang blonde?"
"She's not little, she's height-challenged, just like you, me, and Nora. We all just need to drink more milk."
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever-"
"Hang on a minute," Neo typed, eyes narrowing as she glanced over at Ruby. "Silver eyes, red hood, black hair with red tips, annoyingly screechy voice..."
"Hey!" Ruby protested.
"Yes, I know exactly who you are. I think we'll be getting a bit more acquainted with each other very soon."
"Hang on," Yang ventured, "are you coming onto my baby sister? Right in front of your new boyfriend, no less?"
Neo flashed her a wide grin. "That depends on what your definition of the word 'acquainted' is."
"That does it! You're gonna get hit, midget!"
Yang lunged for her, only for Ren and Blake to hold her back. She flailed in their grasp, but it was no use – Blake had already used her ribbons to tie her up, and Ren was applying his semblance to her to keep her from setting the table on fire.
"Well," Jaune announced, seeing that things were getting out of control, "I think we should go."
"Yes, that'd probably be for the best," Blake commented.
"Right. Come on, Neo."
"In a moment, I haven't gotten to the other-"
He didn't give her a chance to finish typing, instead picking her up and slinging her over his shoulder. She seemed surprised at first, only for it to quickly give way to embarrassment as he carried her out of the cafeteria and into the hallway before setting her down. She gave him an annoyed look before furiously typing on her scroll.
"You think you can just carry me like that and get away with it?"
Jaune rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Uh, well-"
"That was so… wholesome. I love it."
"Y-you do?"
She nodded. "I've been around the block so many times that at this point, the only thing that gets me going is wholesomeness. Well, that and trolling people. Today's been a great day so far – really ticking all my boxes early in the morning." She shuddered. "I'm actually wet right now."
Well, that was a bit too much information. "Y-you are?"
"Yup. Wanna make something of it?"
"I don't know if we should-"
That was as far as he got before she jumped towards him. Out of reflex, he caught her, but that ended up being part of her plan – she simply wrapped her legs around his torso before coming in for a kiss. They stayed glued together like that for a few seconds before she pulled away, then winked at him.
"What do you say we go for round two right now, stud?"
Well, it wasn't like she was leaving him much room for argument.
I just hope Goodwitch won't be pissed that I missed her class, Jaune thought to himself as Neo dragged him back to his room.
As it turned out, Goodwitch was pissed, but for once, it wasn't because of him.
That didn't make things any easier for him because it was his girlfriend she was pissed at, but still, it was good to know that he at least wasn't responsible for the stick up her ass this time.
"Look, I'm telling you," Jaune began, "I can't control her. Trolling people is just how she expresses herself."
Goodwitch glared at him from her decisively shorter stature. When Neo had mentioned that she literally got off on trolling people, he hadn't realized that she would be so good at it. In retrospect, that made sense – obviously if you love something you'd try to be good at it. He wouldn't know because just about the only thing he was good at was jerking off and he now had someone else to do that for him, so it didn't count.
Anyway, the point was, Neo had a real talent when it came to trolling. She seemed to know just where to strike at someone to earn her the most laughter. Some of them were obvious – swapping Oobleck's coffee for decaf, for example – while others… well, they were more subtle.
He would never have thought of cutting all the heels off of Glynda's high heels, but that was why Neo was the master at this sort of thing, not him.
And honestly, he had to admit that she had been onto something, because Goodwitch was a lot less intimidating now that she was a few inches shorter. He was tempted to laugh, and the only reason he wasn't was because he was absolutely certain that Goodwitch would reduce him to a red smear on the wall if he did.
Glynda pushed her glasses up. "Well, someone has to keep her under control. I'd figured that since you're her boyfriend-"
"Are you kidding? Just because I'm the one person she doesn't actively troll doesn't mean I can control her. I'm not about to risk drawing her ire, either."
"Why is that? Afraid she'll break up with you?"
"More like I'm afraid that she'll turn me into a test subject for some of her trolling."
That was also why he knew he could never, ever break up with her. Not that he wanted to, mind you, but it was good to keep things in perspective. Recent events had shown that thanks to her semblance, Neo could basically go anywhere and do anything she wanted without getting caught, which meant that if he ever angered her – like, say, by breaking up with her – that she would make him regret it every day of his life if she so desired. So it was a good thing that he wasn't even considering breaking up with her.
This is the part where he goes into detail about why she was so good to him and why he loved her for it, but come on, it's Neo. Do I really have to go into why she's best girl? Every single one of you would jump at this opportunity if you got the chance. I'm not gonna pad my wordcount by typing out shit that everyone already knows.
We'll just leave it at this: Neo was honestly too good for him, and as long as she didn't realize it and was happy, he was going to just roll with it, because this was a good thing he had going on and he wanted it to last.
Glynda sighed. "Regardless, would it be so hard for you to at least get her to focus her efforts on those who deserve it?"
Jaune rubbed his chin in thought. "Now that you mention it, she has been pretty light on Cardin..."
Not that she'd ignored Cardin, mind you – his entire team was still reeling from that time she had used her semblance to project an image of a muscled-up, steely-eyed, ten-foot-tall Velvet coming for them in the middle of the night. But given some of the other things Neo had done to people, they got off lightly. That little prank certainly had nothing on her replacing Yang's shampoo with a bottle of pink hair dye or changing Ruby's scroll name to Mommy_Issues. Or that time where she swapped all of Blake's smut with pamphlets explaining how masturbation was bad for your soul. Or that time where she recorded over all of Weiss' classical music with nothing but grindcore.
He had to give it to her: she certainly knew where to hit people so that it would really hurt.
"Alright, I'll talk to her," Jaune said. "Hey, Neo?"
As if on cue, Neo popped up right next to him, the shattering of glass punctuating her arrival. She was holding a bucket of pink paint, which made him pause.
"...Please tell me you didn't paint Yang's motorcycle pink."
She gave him an innocent smile just as an angry screech tore across campus. Jaune winced, knowing that there was going to be hell to pay later. But that wasn't important right now. Right now, what was important was having a nice heart-to-heart with her.
"You know, you could use your powers for good," he implored. "Go after people who really deserve it."
"Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" she asked. "I like a challenge. Plus, it's nice, messing with people here. Especially when they can't catch me."
That was true. He didn't quite know what Neo's skill level was, because it tended to vary based on numerous different factors. Sometimes she was able to take down even fourth-years and professors, and sometimes she got taken out by some random idiot running at her from down a hallway. It was all very inconsistent. He wasn't sure what to make of it.
But aside from that, everyone knew better than to try, because they wouldn't be able to hold her for very long even if they did catch her. Plus, the retaliation would be immense. Honestly, it defied belief that pretty much everyone had forgotten the cardinal rule of dealing with people like Neo, which is really the only way of dealing with them: just ignore the troll and they'll get bored and go away.
Seriously, about the only one he had actually seen beat Neo in that way was Ozpin, and Jaune was pretty sure that was only because he was old enough to remember the real old-school DustNet trolls. That or the man was just as good of a troll himself, but that would be ridiculous.
"Still," Jaune continued, "I'd appreciate it if you could at least take it easy for a bit. People need a break, you know."
"...Fine, for you." She looked over to Goodwitch, a mischievous grin crossing her face. "But first..."
With the shattering of glass, her form changed again. Now, there were two Glyndas standing there, with one big difference.
Namely, that the one with pink-and-brown eyes was in high heels, and the other one was in no-longer-high heels.
The real Glynda's eyes twitched, a vein popping in her forehead. Jaune's eyes widened.
"Oh, no."
That was as far as he got before all hell broke loose.
These days, it felt like all Jaune did was report to the headmaster's office for something his girlfriend had done. If he wasn't cleaning up her messes, he was getting berated for them instead. And no matter how much he tried to explain that he had no control over her, Ozpin just didn't seem to get it, and only punished him even harder.
...Well, okay, that wasn't entirely fair. The truth was that Ozpin tried to be lenient, but Goodwitch was a massive fucking bitch, and insisted on always throwing the book at him, since for some reason she apparently couldn't throw it at Neo.
Sure, Neo wasn't actually a student and was therefore mostly immune to whatever Goodwitch might have tried to do to her, but this was getting ridiculous. She almost seemed to have diplomatic immunity given just how much she got away with. It just didn't make sense.
Ozpin peered at the two of them from behind his desk. Jaune swallowed nervously, but Neo didn't react beyond yawning.
Honestly, if she wasn't best girl, he would have broken up with her. But come on, who else could even keep up? It certainly wasn't anyone on Team RWBY – Weiss was a massive bitch, Blake wouldn't shut the fuck up about systemic oppression, Yang would probably break him in half if they ever made it to bed, and he was pretty sure that Ruby was at least slightly autistic, and not in a good way. And then there was his own team – Ren was a man, Pyrrha was a stuttering mess who was too good for a chump like him anyway, and Nora was Nora, which is to say she was also probably at least slightly autistic, but in the fun way rather than the socially hopeless way, but that was still too much for him to handle for long.
"Now then," Ozpin stated evenly. "What brings these two here today, Glynda?"
"It's simple, sir," Glynda replied. "She spiked Zwei's dog food with Lightning Dust. He's been literally bouncing off the walls like a little furry missile for the past half-hour. Miss Belladonna has already booked her flight back to Menagerie for the rest of the semester, and I don't think we'll be able to convince her to come back."
"Ah. How troublesome."
"That's all you have to say? Team RWBY is now down a member. Where are we supposed to find a suitable replacement?"
Ozpin's only response was to turn his gaze towards Neo, who was doing her best to appear innocent by (silently) whistling a tune. Glynda's jaw dropped.
"Ozpin, you can't be serious."
"Oh, I'm very serious. And don't call me Shirley."
"But I didn't-"
"Glynda, is now the time?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I don't…" She sighed. "Okay, fine. But, my point stands – you can't seriously be recommending that we-"
"On the contrary, Glynda. I think Miss Neo could make a suitable replacement for Miss Belladonna. Meow then, why don't you go and get the paperwork started?"
"...I'm sorry, what was that?"
"I said, why don't you go and get the paperwork started right about meow?"
Glynda looked like she couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Sir, I have to ask, did you just-"
"Did I what?" Ozpin asked, raising an eyebrow. "Is there something wrong with me?"
"No, I just… it almost sounded like you were saying-"
"Saying what?"
"Well, it's just… it's odd how we're discussing the only cat Faunus in school, yet you're over here meowing."
"Meowing?" Ozpin echoed in surprise before shaking his head. "I think you're imagining things, Glynda."
"What? No, I'm not. You were just-"
"You definitely are," Neo signed.
Glynda's eyes narrowed. "You stay out of this," she threatened, causing Neo to raise her hands in surrender.
Seeing that, Jaune decided to step in. "No, I think they're right, Miss Goodwitch."
"What? Mister Arc, don't tell me you-"
"No, I didn't hear him meow, either."
"I… see..." Glynda conceded. Frowning, she sighed. "...My apologies, then. I suppose I did have a late night last night."
"It happens to the best of us," Ozpin offered. "Now, why don't you go and get the paperwork started? I'm sure you could use a break from all of us right about meow."
Glynda stared at him, speechless. Then, without saying anything, she turned on her heel and marched to the elevator, the whole time muttering under her breath about how she needed to lay off the late-night wine. Only once the elevator doors had closed did Neo finally let loose, doubling over in silent laughter.
And to Jaune's surprise, the ever-stoic headmaster joined her.
"Okay, I'm obviously missing something here," Jaune said.
"Ah, think nothing of it, Mister Arc," Ozpin said, having managed to bring his laughter under control. "I've simply discovered that your girlfriend is somewhat of a kindred spirit."
"Turns out that the old man likes trolling people, too," Neo signed. "I mean, obviously not to the same extent as me, but he's pretty far up there."
Yes, it clearly wasn't to the same extent, because he could tell from the way that Neo was rubbing her legs together in her chair that messing with Goodwitch had made her really horny. Obviously, they would have to take care of that once this stuff with Ozpin was done with, but he wasn't going to complain, because again, best girl.
But first, there was a more pressing matter to deal with.
"Wait, so you mean to tell me that the whole throwing-us-off-a-cliff thing..."
"Was my attempt at humor, yes," Ozpin offered, a small grin crossing his face. "Gets the first-years every time..."
Jaune was speechless for a second. "You think throwing dozens of people off a cliff, possibly to their deaths, is funny?"
"I do. And I'm tired of pretending it's not."
Well, at least he was honest about it. Jaune slumped down in his seat. "Just… wanted to establish that, I guess."
Neo patted him on the arm in consolation, which was good because he wasn't sure if he could deal with the existential crisis of knowing that he almost died so Ozpin could have a quick chuckle at his expense if his cute girlfriend hadn't been there with him.
"So, now what?" Jaune asked, doing his best to try and push those thoughts from his mind. "Are we in trouble?"
Ozpin waved him off. "Well, I could assign you some extra detentions. I think that might be kind of funny. Not for you, but it would be for me."
"...Um, can you not?"
"Okay, sure."
"Th-" Jaune paused. "...Just like that? All I had to do was ask?"
"You'd be surprised what merely asking can get you."
"Okay. Can I please have a passing grade in history?"
"I'm a headmaster, not a miracle worker. Even my powers don't go that far."
Once again, Neo patted him in consolation, which was sorely needed.
"Anyway," Ozpin announced, "Let's get down to business. And I don't mean to defeat the Mistralians."
"Booooo!" Neo signed.
Ozpin held up a hand. "Hold your applause, please. Anyway, Miss Neopolitan-whose-last-name-I-still-don't-know-"
"That makes two of us, pal."
"-Do we still have a deal?"
Jaune perked up at that. Deal? What deal? Clearly, there was something going on that he wasn't aware of. The others seemed to notice this, as they both gave him a look – Ozpin's was one of concern, while Neo's was sheepish.
"You haven't told him yet?" Ozpin asked.
"Uh, no," Neo replied. "Right, so here's the abridged version: I used to be a criminal. Like, a really bad criminal. I was the baddest bitch in town, basically."
"How bad are we talking?" Jaune ventured.
"I was going to kill you that night in the alley until you offered to buy me ice cream."
"...Oh. Well, um, thanks for not doing that, I guess."
"Any time, babe. Anyway, then I took an interest in you when you turned out to not be a douchebag, so I followed you to Beacon. And then I found out that here, I was free to pursue my passion to my heart's content. The students here were just ripe for trolling."
"Okay, pause," Jaune said. "Let me get this straight: you gave up on your life of crime, likely turning your back on everyone involved in that and painting a huge target on your back for the rest of your life… because doing so let you troll people?"
"Yes."
"...How do I know you both aren't just trolling me with this? Because it kind of sounds like you are."
"We're not, but I guess you'll just have to trust us on that. Think of it this way: do you really think I'd have kept up our relationship if I hadn't actually left my life of crime behind?"
That… was a good point, actually. Huh. Well, that left him with just one option.
"Okay, that's bullshit, but it's bullshit I believe," Jaune announced.
"Glad we're on the same page," Ozpin said. He turned to Neo. "Now then, perhaps now would be a good time to let him know why I chose to extend you an olive branch?"
"If that's what you want to call letting me get away with doing all this shit, then sure."
"Wait, you were letting her get away with everything?" Jaune asked. "Is that why she was never punished, but I was?"
"Sort of. That's why she was never punished, but you were punished because Miss Goodwitch demanded a blood sacrifice after her fifth set of glasses turned up without the nosepieces, and I found that you were the best candidate for her ire. That and I thought it was funny."
Of course he did. Jaune tried not to let his displeasure show, but something told him he was failing miserably at it. "Okay, so what gives? What could be so important that you offered Neo a place to troll with impunity?"
Ozpin's only response was to turn back to Neo, and say two words. "Show him."
Neo motioned for Jaune to look at her, and when he did, she closed her eyes. She kept them closed for several seconds, and when she opened them again, they were different. Gone was her trademark pink-and-brown; in their place was silver.
And Jaune didn't get it at all.
"Okay, so you've got Ruby's eyes," he announced. "That supposed to mean something, or…?"
"Yes, it is," Ozpin said. "Are you familiar with the story of the Silver-Eyed Warriors?"
"No, actually."
"Ah. Then I guess we're done here."
"Wait, what?"
"I mean, I could explain it to you, but that wouldn't be very funny, would it? I mean, sure they're important and it'd be kind of stupid for me not to explain it to the people they matter to, but at the same time I think the look of surprise on everyone's faces will be funny, and also I can't be bothered at the moment. I think it'd be better if I let you figure that out on your own. Wouldn't you agree, Miss Neo?"
"Oh, for sure," Neo replied.
That seemed like a really stupid plan to Jaune, but who was he to argue with the headmaster and his girlfriend? Besides, they were probably just trolling him again - the silver eyes most likely didn't mean anything after all. At least, he hoped, because if they actually turned out to be Grimm-melting lasers of death or something and Ozpin was just keeping that info to himself... well, it'd be pretty stupid.
Jaune groaned, bringing one hand up to rub at the bridge of his nose. "You two are going to be the death of me..."
"Nah. If I wanted to do that, I would have done it back in the alley. Instead, I got free ice cream."
Jaune actually had no response to that, partially because she was right but mostly because even thinking about the trauma that trip had caused to his bank account was giving him an ulcer, so he chose not to think about it.
"Anyway, are we done?" Neo asked. "Because I'm really horny. It's like a leaky faucet down there."
That was a bit too much information for Jaune, but probably not for Ozpin. Hell, he seemed to actually delight in how Jaune was now uncomfortable. After a sly grin in Jaune's direction, he waved them off.
"Yes, we're done. Run along, you two. And Miss Neo? A suggestion – since you'll be rooming with Team RWBY now, why not try out Miss Schnee's bed? Gods know she's in need of being taken down a peg or two."
Neo saluted. "You've got it, boss."
"Have fun."
Jaune said nothing as he tried to pick his jaw up off the floor. Neo dragged him to the elevator, and the doors had barely closed before she was trying to stick her tongue down his throat, but he was too focused on everything that had just happened to do much other than just go with it.
What the fuck have I just gotten myself into?
As it turned out, what he had gotten himself into was the biggest damn Vacuan standoff Remnant had ever seen.
Neo had taken up her usual spot in his lap, a smug look on her face as she glanced back at her new team. They stared back in much the same way one might stare at a wild bear that was approaching them while they were covered in honey, which is to say that they were all absolutely terrified of what she was capable of.
Jaune didn't blame them for it either, both because by now they all had a very good idea of what she was capable of, and also because she was currently giving him a taste of it.
Sure, she may have been using her semblance to make it seem like she was actually wearing panties, but he could tell even through his jeans that she really wasn't. And that was its own unique brand of hell.
She totally knew it, too – he was absolutely tenting like a motherfucker right now. But that just made his predicament even worse, because she wouldn't stop teasing him by moving her hips slightly.
Jaune had to bite back a groan as she did exactly that, giving him a smug look out of the corner of her eye. He simply did his best not to react, as he knew by now that dealing with Neo was a lot like dealing with a pack of wolves – show any weakness and she'd pounce.
"So," Pyrrha announced, doing her best to break the awkward tension that settled over the table. "Would anyone care to look over the study guide for Oobleck's class?"
It was cute, how she was actually trying to get them to be productive for once. That had pretty much died the instant Neo had showed up at Beacon, and there was no hope of it ever coming back so long as her team was afraid of her. And truly, they were afraid – Yang had one hand around Ruby's shoulders and was pulling her in protectively, Weiss looked like she was doing her damnedest to prevent herself from saying something that might earn Neo's ire, and Ruby was doing her best not to show her disappointment at the fact that Neo had taken the last chocolate chip pancake that morning.
It was funny how Neo was scarier when she was trolling people than when she was killing people… funny in the cosmic sort of way, that is.
Anyway, the point was, nobody was saying or doing anything out of fear of earning Neo's ire and waking up to find their shampoo replaced with glue or something. Neo, for her part, seemed to be relishing in her newfound control, as she was milking it for all it was worth. And that was just scary – no one person was made to have all that power. He was going to have to put a stop to it.
...Just not right now, because she was still in his lap and would be throughout all of their classes, and the last thing he wanted was for her to start teasing him twice as hard. His dick already felt like it was going to burst through his pants, he didn't need that to actually happen.
On the plus side, tonight was going to be mind-blowing. The only question was if he could even survive long enough to enjoy it; at this point, so much blood was being redirected downstairs that he wasn't sure he'd get through the day without needing a trip to the hospital.
Predictably, Pyrrha's comment went unnoticed, to the point where she actually seemed sad about that. Truly, it was her lot in life to suffer. Still, he had to give it to her – it took a lot of courage to speak up when Neo had already trolled her so hard.
I didn't think Pyrrha would be into that kind of thing, but I guess it's always the people you least expect.
He wouldn't have taken Pyrrha to be an enormous pervert, but that fan fiction she kept under her mattress proved him wrong. He wasn't sure who the HuntsMan and the Red Huntress were supposed to be, but that was some spicy shit they got up to, he wasn't gonna lie.
Maybe I ought to try some of that stuff out with Neo later on. It seems like it would be fun.
A thought for another time. In any case, currently everyone was walking on eggshells whenever Neo was around, which was understandable, if boring. Honestly, he just really wanted something interesting to happen, because at the moment, it was sort of like waiting for a huge balloon to pop, or for that NSFW link you just clicked on to open up – you know it's coming, but the anticipating is killing you.
Thankfully, the universe chose that moment to throw him a bone, in the form of half of the cafeteria fucking exploding.
Instantly, everyone was on their feet, weapons drawn. Jaune scarcely had time to question who would be dumb enough to attack a school filled with Huntsmen before he realized that there was only one group on all of Remnant stupid enough to do exactly that.
"It's the White Fang!" Ruby shouted. "Quick, someone hide Blake before she gets triggered!"
"Rubes, Blake is gone," Yang pointed out.
"Oh, yeah… um… what do we do? She was always the one who pushed this conflict forwards, so I'm not really sure what we can do now that she's gone..."
"You idiot, they're attacking the school!" Weiss pointed out.
"Yeah, but that doesn't affect us specifically. How am I supposed to get into a conflict that doesn't affect me specifically, Weiss?"
"Where is she?!" someone shouted as they pushed their way through the throng of White Fang fighters. It turned out to be Adam Taurus, because who else would it be.
"Oh look, it's Blake's crazy ex," Yang said, rolling her eyes. "Come to destroy everything she loves?"
"What? No. Gods, no. Who even cares about the worst girl anymore? Hell, I'm actually glad she's gone, because that means she's not my problem anymore. No, I'm looking for that little midget!"
"Oh. She's over there."
Pyrrha was surprised. "You'd give up your new team member just like that?"
"She told everyone that I wear boxer shorts instead of panties. Do you have any idea how many people I've had to knock out for calling me a tomboy ever since then? I'm not sorry."
Neo simply rolled her eyes, then stood up from her position in Jaune's lap. He breathed a sigh of relief before standing up, praying that he wasn't tenting too much even though he knew he was.
Adam's gaze traveled to Neo. "You," he hissed.
"Me. Come to exact your revenge, Bullshit?"
"Of course! You think you can just pose as me online and get away with it?!"
"Yeah."
"Wait, hold on," Weiss said. "You're here because she posed as you online?"
"It's what she did under my name, Schnee! She signed me up for every incel forum and support group on Remnant using my real name! Do you have any idea how hard that's going to be to recover from?! I've had no matches on my dating profile for weeks because of her!"
Jaune actually winced. Okay, that was a low blow even for Neo, even if it was at least somewhat true. He opened his mouth to try and defuse the situation, only for yet another wall to collapse thanks to an explosion. This time, it revealed three other people, each of them looking just as angry as Adam. One of them – the bitch in the red dress – tried to speak, only for Jaune to cut her off.
"Wait, let me guess – you're all here for Neo. She trolled you in some way, and now you want revenge."
"Actually, she betrayed us and left our group behind," the silver-haired boy chimed in. "But yeah, we want revenge."
Well, that was new. Still, the outcome would be the same.
"Okay, then," Jaune said. "Guess we're going to fi-"
That was as far as he got before blinding light erupted from Neo's eyes. Immediately, the bitch in the red dress started to scream as all the flesh on the left side of her body began to melt and slough off. Everyone watched her writhe around on the ground in agony and scream her lungs out for several seconds, all of them stunned into silence. Slowly, they looked over to Neo.
Every single person except Jaune took a step away from her.
Neo, meanwhile, simply grinned smugly before flipping her hair, then looking over to Jaune.
"Well, that really got me going. Wanna fuck?"
Honestly, he was torn – on the one hand, she had been teasing him since they had woken up, and he could feel the floodgates about to open. On the other hand, he had just watched that girl's flesh melt off like she had just opened the Ark of the Covenant… whatever that was supposed to be. Still, eventually his baser instincts gave in.
Oh, that and he was now utterly terrified of his girlfriend's eye-lasers of death, so he wisely decided to just do whatever she wanted, lest she melt someone else and call it trolling.
He nodded, and that was all she needed before she jumped into his arms and directed him to carry her to their room.
None of them had any way of knowing just what Neo had managed to avert… except for Ozpin, who had watched the whole thing on the security cameras and had damn near laughed himself into a coma.
So, that was the story of how the Fall of Beacon was averted, and how our boy managed to hook up with the best girl. And nothing else bad hap-
"Whoa, whoa, stop," Roman suddenly chimed in. "What, gonna write a Neo chapter and not put me in it, huh? Thought you could just get away with that?"
Bruh, just be happy I didn't have you get vored by a Grimm like in canon.
"Fuck that! The audience demands more Roman. There's been very little of me throughout this shitty fic, and I think they want to see that fixed."
There's still time, you know. I can totally jut have a Grimm come in and eat you like Jaune is eating Neo's pussy right now.
"Yeah, but you won't. So give me that cameo appearance already."
Alright, fine. Here's the obligatory Roman appearance:
It was days after the "Fall" of Beacon, and things had returned to relative normalcy. Jaune was awoken by the chiming of his alarm. Reaching over with a groan, he went to turn it off, only for someone else to beat him to it, which was strange because Neo had kicked everyone else out of the dorm the previous night so they could get their fuck on.
Turning in surprise, Jaune found himself face-to-face with Remnant's most dashing rogue, Roman Torchwick himself. The man was smoking a cigar and glaring at him with the kind of hatred someone could only have for the person dating their whatever-the-fuck-relationship-you-would-use-to-describe-what-Neo-and-Roman-had.
Jaune blinked. "...Uh, can I help y-"
"Lolicon," Roman interrupted.
"...I'm sorry?"
"I'm calling you a lolicon."
"...I don't-"
"Someone has to, because nobody has made the obvious joke yet. So, here I am. Lolicon."
"But Neo is actually-"
"Yes, I know her real age. Doesn't matter because she's small and looks young. Therefore, by the law of idiots on social media, you are a lolicon. Lolicon."
Jaune merely sighed tiredly before turning to Neo, who was awake. He was tempted to ask her to do something about this, but unfortunately she seemed to be delighting in the fact that Roman was trolling him, which made sense considering that she had to have learned it from somewhere. But honestly, this wasn't so bad – certainly better than having Roman try to kill him for dating Neo, or otherwise being overly protective.
"Lolicon."
...But it was gonna get old real fast, he could tell.
Gods damn it.
At least the relationship was worth it.
Oh man, I've been waiting to do Neo for awhile. Truthfully, I had some problems early on, otherwise I would have done her much sooner - I was tempted to do something where it turns out that she's actually not that bad after all, or something along those lines, but it just didn't feel right. I feel like it's a common thing in Neo/Jaune stories to sort of gloss over Neo's past in the name of making the relationship work. I can see why people do that (because Jaune is such a good guy that there's no way he'd fall for a criminal in a serious work unless something drastic pushed them together) but I realized early on that it didn't really fit the tone I wanted (namely, it wasn't nearly insane enough), plus I wanted to keep Neo more in-line with her appearance on the show. So I made her a huge troll who literally gets off on fucking with people.
Was it the best decision? Not sure. But I'm happy with it, so I can't complain too much.
Anyway, early difficulties aside, I had a good time with this. Neo is a really fun character to write, and while I'm not one to have a favorite ship, Silent Knight is a pairing that I've always found interesting. I think there's a lot of potential there from a storytelling perspective. Then again, I have a huge weak spot for Hero/Villain pairings, so maybe it's just an extension of that, combined with Neo being probably my favorite overall character in the show itself.
Also, I know someone is going to bring up the lack of Roman in this chapter, but there is a reason for that: I did experiment with having him show up early on, but he kind of dominated the chapter, and I wasn't a huge fan of the way it turned out. It was sort of the same issue as putting Raven in Yang's chapter, if you remember my rationale for not including her there. Plus, anything to do with Roman, I would rather save for his R63 chapter. There was a good balance I needed to have here, because I didn't want to do too much with Roman or use up all my jokes with Neo, since I need to use them both again later on, and didn't want to blow my load early. I decided the best thing to do was hold back on Roman and maybe save one good joke with Neo for later, and otherwise do as much as I could with her.
All things considered, this is another chapter that I had a really great time writing. Neo is a really fun character to write, especially when you portray her like the smug asskicker she really is in the show's early seasons. I'm not sure about a sequel chapter, though - I'll have to see what I can think up. It's more likely that I'll give her some time in Roman's chapter rather than do a sequel, since this one ended pretty conclusively. But we'll see - I mean, at this point even I don't know what I'm going to think up, so you never know.
Speaking of fun chapters, the next one is shaping up to be really fun, too. And it's on someone I don't think any of you are going to guess. I'd give you a hint, but I can't think of one at the moment. All I'll say is that I really hope the chapter ends up blooming into something fantastic, because I have a lot of fun ideas for it that I think will be a really good time.
Finally, before I go, I just want to point out that I've been getting a lot of Guest reviews over the past couple of chapters, so I just wanted to thank all of you now, since I can't send you a PM like I do everyone else. Thanks so much for reviewing! I didn't think my little shitpost would attract as much attention as it did, but I'm really happy to see that you're all having as much fun with it as I am! Warms my heart, it does.
Next update: Saturday, October 3.