This Is Life With Garik
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X-2 or the TV show Life with Derek.
This is a one-shot and will always be a one-shot. (!Until we add chapter 2!) This story was built on stupidity and when we wrote it, we were on crack. So read for the sake of laughs, not because you have pity on us.
SUMMARY: Title based on the TV show, Life With Derek. The story really involves bored aeons, but that's besides the point. KEY-MON? MONKEY! Please read. (Don't even bother reviewing) well, actually do.
Chapter 1: Take That You -BEEP-
Shiva was bored. Life was boring now that she could no longer be summoned. Thanks to that "revolutionary" Yuna, the temples were but useless. Only fat, old geezers roamed their once sacred and busy halls. She sighed to herself. She, along with all of the other aeons, were locked up in a special part of the Farplane. No one could ever see them, but they could see everything that occurred in Spira. After their first attempt to break out of their dreadful prison, Yuna and her new friends, Rikku and Paine, had to come and defeat them, sending them back to the worst place ever.
Shiva looked out into her magic ice mirror; with it she could spy on anything or anyone in Spira. She looked at some places for a while, her boredom almost turning into insanity. But, she heard a curious thing, and it sparked a wonderful idea.
"Did ya hear? Leblanc's in love with that mecha-suicidal man."
"Nooj? That bag of gayness? Why would anybody love him, let alone talk to him?"
"I dunno, but word on the street is that they... well..."
"O my Yevon! That is SO JUICY! I have GOT to tell all of my friends!"
Shiva smiled to herself. Love, dating, families... it's all good! She had come up with the best thing in a long time. She called over her fellow aeons that could talk, her best girlfriends (plus a guy, who was metrosexual, so he kinda counted), the Magus Sisters, Cindy, the fat one, Sandy, the tall and graceful one, and Mindy, the midget. Yojimbo was the other, the metrosexual one. He sported a fashionable sombrero wherever he went. Some argued it was a large hat for a samurai, (but who cares about them, right?) but Shiva knew the REAL truth. Those people were idiots, and unable to see the gayness around them.
Sandy, the most intelligent of the three, arrived first. "What is it, Shiva?"
Mindy, the overly peppy bumblebee, came next. "OH MY sugar-coated-honey-yummy-ton-o-fun-in-the-sun-super-fly-good-guy WHAT IS IT? YOU RANG?"
Cindy, a little overweight and slow, arrived about an hour behind the two. "Sorry guys," she wheezed. "I got stuck, huff huff, in traf- (huff huff puff) fic."
The three girlfriends (Shiva, Mindy, and Sandy) thought to themselves, What traffic? There are only ten of us... But none of them said anything out loud. They didn't want to hurt her feelings, she might sit on them.
They were too preoccupied with Cindy to realize Yojimbo had come. He cleared his throat in that gay kinda way, to draw their attention.
"Good," Shiva said, "everyone is here! I have the greatest idea EVER!"
"Huff Huff! Does it involve --huff huff-- FOOD?" Cindy asked.
"Uh-- no. (DON'T SIT ON ME, PLEASE!) But, if you help, I'm sure we could find some."
"Was it like the last plan? The one where we tried to escape?" Sandy, the realist, asked.
The five of them shuddered as they remembered that dreadful plan. They had all come so close to defeating that annoying trio.
"I HATE that Rikku! She is sooooo ANNOYING! She NEVER shuts-up! She's like super-duper-blooper-gooper-total-phony-not-my-homey-slutty-girl-I'm-gunna-hurl annoying. And she rambles on about SO much stuff."
The four looked at her with big eyes and dropped jaws. Where does she come up with this? How does she rhyme so well? She should totally be a rapper, or maybe a poem writer... (but, rap is CRAP so, not that one) And for someone who hates people talking so much and rambling on and on, she sure does it a lot. Oh, crap, we haven't said anything for a while, I wonder what she's thinking. Maybe we should talk soon.
Unfortunately, Shiva, Yojimbo, Sandy, and Cindy all started talking at the same time, making much un-needed noise. This angered Bahamut, the dark dragon of Bevelle. He growled at them, and then Mega Flared. This did 784,386.8596 that's my phone number, call me! to each of the friends, causing them all to die. Fortunately, they were stuck in the Farplane, and they all respawned there.
"Okay, remember not to piss him off again," Yojimbo stated.
Mindy had a few words to mutter herself. "That was so not-cool-in-the-pool---muffle muffle muffle" Shiva had grabbed Mindy and put her hand over the bee's mouth to try to shut her up. Mindy just kept on rambling for about five minutes. She stopped, and then Shiva proceeded to tell them her awesome plan. (It was almost as awesome as the "Awesome Sphere" from Kilika in chapter 1 of FFX-2, that YRP had rudely stolen from Dona. That was SO like them.)
"I thought of this great idea that will stop this boredom! How about we pair up some unexpected couples in Spira, see which one is the most disastrous, and then give them some sort of prize..."
The Sisters and the Mexican-samurai thought about it for a moment. "I LOVE it!" Yojimbo exclaimed, his lisp and hand flip accentuating his metrosexuality.
"But how – huff huff – will we pick... (long pause) the couples?" Cindy said over a long time. The workout of speaking had made her begin to sweat, and she was beginning to tire. She needed food ---- NOW! She went "Berserk" and exclaimed, "MUST EAT FOOOOOOOOD!" Red electricity shot in and out of her. "I AM CUCKOO FOR CO-CO PUFFS!" She walked away, destroying everything in her path. After stepping on Mindy, she kept going on and on in the distance.
"Okay... well, that's one less person to strategize with." Sandy said, matter-of-factly.
Anima, the girl yet completely ugly aeon, popped up. "How about we have a DATING SHOW!"
The four's jaws dropped. "You can TALK?"
"Yeah, and I just got my nails done," (Does Anima even have nails?) she showed them her newly painted cuticles. "Don't you love them?"
Mindy exclaimed in elation, along with Anima, "They are the most glossy-flossy-shiny-tiny-uber-duber-bobaluber-yellow-dellow-LOL-o (like Jell-o)-pretty-quitty-oh-my-Skitty-bestest-Quistis (yah, it doesn't rhyme, sue me)-you-just-missed-ist (supposed to be "us", but not for rhyming's sake) in the world!"
Shiva, Sandy, and Yojimbo were all utterly amazed and surprised. Not only could Anima talk, but she was just as annoying, talkative, and rhyme-erific as Mindy. (And don't forget UGLY!)
Music begins playing: U-G-L-Y You ain't got no alibi. You're ugly. Yah yah, you're ugly! Yah yah,
The music stopped, eventually.
"Alright, well let's get this show on the road!" Shiva shouted.
"To-ta-ly! So, who should they be?" Yojimbo gayly asked.
"Well, for starters, we have to have that annoying Rikku, she deserves to be paired up with someone utterly repulsive," Sandy remarked.
"And Yuna! She's thwarted our plans too many times!"
"How about those hunks Seymour and Kimahri Ronso?" Yojimbo added. The girls were freaked out about this suggestion, but with the possibilities of Rikku or Yuna being paired with them made it okay.
"Leblanc and Nooj, Brother, (the diva-pop monkey see Willy Wakka and the Blitzball Factory chp.2) that goth Paine..." the aeons began listing all of the possible candidates.
"Okay, let the dating show commence!" Shiva walked out, the hostess of the show. "Welcome to the grand premiere of "Take That You -BEEP-" The audience, which was the remaining aeons, clapped mildly.
"Now, for our first contestant. Welcome: Rikku!" The Sisters and Yojimbo clapped wildly, for they wanted sweet revenge.
"Now, Rikku, there are three candidates behind these curtains. You can ask them these pre-written questions, and only one of them can be your date. Are you ready?"
Rikku looked scared and afraid and shook her head vehemently "no"
"Well too bad!" Shiva snickered. "Ask your first question!"
"Um... contestant #1, if you got to pick my outfit, what would it be?"
"Well," answered a mechanical voice, "it would have to be a full-body purple zip-up jumpsuit, with red accenting boots and gloves, a metal arm, and a beautiful scrunchie to tie back all of that unruly hair. And some fluff around the legs."
Rikku, along with everyone else, had looks of disgust on their faces. Not only was that an oddly-specific request, but also down right unfashionable. "Okay," Rikku muttered, "contestant #2, same question."
"Well," replied a soothing and charming voice, "it would be something sensible, but still fun. It would allow you to do everything you love to do, but still be a little formal."
Rikku awwed. "That's so sweet."
Shiva ruined the moment. "Yah, yah. Ask the next question."
Rikku asked the third contestant. "Where would you take me on our first date?"
"Well," replied a rather girl-ly voice, "I would take you to my beautiful chateau, love. Of course, you'd be in such awe by its majesty, that we wouldn't get to do anything. But that's because no one can defeat the mighty Leblanc!"
"Umm... was I supposed to hear that?" Rikku asked. Shiva shrugged. It didn't matter to her. This show was rigged anyways.
"Okay, Rikku, make your choice. Will it be the "fashionable" contestant #1, the overly-emotional contestant #2, or the mighty Leblanc?"
"I choose... contestant #2!"
"Well," Sandy said as she entered, "too bad. 'Cause we picked contestant #1 for you! Alright, show yourself!"
The curtain opened to reveal the illustrious, fashion-king, sensible, not-suicidal Nooj. (okay, so he's gay, lacks fashion sense, and is trying to kill himself, but hey, we're trying to make him look good. And it's really hard.)
"Nooj? You want me to date Nooj!" Rikku shouted.
"Yep," Shiva answered. "Well, you two lovebirds better go now and have some fun. We'll be watching!"
The two were escorted offstage, and brief intermission followed.
"Alright, we're back! Now, here's our next contestant: Paine!" Sandy announced.
Paine walked on, feeling very embarrassed and trying to uphold her cool attitude.
"Must I?" she asked. Everyone nodded. She sighed, and proceeded to ask the first question.
"Contestant #1, what is the first thing you notice about a... do I have to?" Everyone nodded. "about a woman?"
"Um, well," a feminine voice answered, "I guess it would have to be her hair. I can't be friends -ow!- or date someone with bad hair. Or if they have horrible fashion. That's a total turn-off."
Paine thought to herself, that voice sounds very familiar. Who is it? "Um, contestant #2, same question."
"It would positively most definitely have to be a woman's appeal. Yep yep. She has to be good with people. Yep yep. Not gothic or reclusive."
Paine knew who was behind that curtain and she flung out her SkullSteel, preparing to slice him to death. But, the aeons intervened. "Slow down there, tiger. We can't have you killing the contestants, now can we?"
"Fine," she muttered and sheathed her sword. "Contestant #3, what is the first thing you notice about a woman?"
"It would have to be her eyes. Eyes tell me so much about a woman. What she's feeling, what she has been through. And then, what I need to do to soothe her."
Wow, Paine thought, he's amazing. I want him. "I pick contestant #3!" she shouted, before she could even be asked the question. The curtain opened and revealed --- Seymour!
Backstage, Shiva and Sandy were talking to eachother.
"She picked the contestant we had picked for her, is that okay?"
"Well, maybe we'll actually do something good here," Shiva said.
The two then started laughing. Seymour with anyone was going to be hilarious, and the love with make Paine all mushy-gushy, which would only add to the humor.
The two left, holding each other's hands.
Shiva and Sandy came back on stage. "Well folks, that's all the air time we have, but here are the other couples: Leblanc and Tobli, Yuna and Kimahri, Baralai and Lulu, Clasko and Calli (chocobo power!), and Hypello and Key-Mon."
Sandy added, "Tune in next week, (or tomorrow), when we follow up on the couples!"
(AN:)
1) Sorry for a lot of Rikku bashing. It's just fun to pick on someone like her, even if she isn't our size. Don't worry, we love her too and hopefully we can change it so there's not as much (unless you want the bashing)
2) Also hope you enjoyed this Life With Derek spoof although it had nothing to do with Derek and wasn't a spoof of the TV show at all. (go figure) Hopefully the title didn't cause any confusions.
3) Also the whole "Garik" thing will (if we get to it) be explained in the next chapter, along with many other unexplained things such as: the -BEEP- in the title of the chapter. But other things were just little jokes that can't and will not be explained.
4) THE DATING SHOW WILL STILL BE GOING ON IN THE SECOND CHAPTER (only the beginning) and some more couples will be reveled (request of certain aeons).
5) Oh, and Key-Mon too. (we really don't know who he is either). He (or she, I guess) will be explained why he's in the dating show and everything.
6) Oh and by the way, my brother helped too (mainly the jokes, and the plot line, and well, everything else).
And as always, review! (Constructive criticism, spelling/grammar errors, requests, ect.) ;D