Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 25: Ruby (Redone), or: The Ruby Chapter You Actually Wanted
Jaune had never been one to look a gift horse in the mouth. He was smart enough to know when he had a good thing going, and that he ought to keep it going. Now was no exception – it hadn't exactly been hard to get Ruby to start being his girlfriend, but the last thing he wanted was to risk the relationship ending. The two of them were a great fit together, to the point that even Yang seemed to love the idea of the two of them going out. Granted, that was also because they were both huge dorks and she got to make fun of them for it, but still, the fact that she wasn't acting like some stereotypical overprotective big sister and trying to chase Jaune down with a shotgun truly meant a lot to him.
Anyway, the point was that Jaune was quite happy with his relationship with Ruby, and he didn't want it to end.
Now, that being said, it wasn't all smooth sailing. Ruby was really cute, sure, but she was also really, really awkward, somewhat shy, and more than a little weird. And it showed constantly.
"Jaune, Jaune! It's starting!"
Case in point.
The two of them were currently lying in Ruby's bed, which somehow wasn't about to give out despite the fact that they were almost certainly exceeding the weight limit that those thin ropes were capable of holding up. Ruby's scroll was in front of them, leaning against a small tower of textbooks to keep it upright, all while a video loaded on it. Jaune simply stared at the loading screen before sighing.
I can't believe she actually wants me to do this.
Slowly, he turned back to his girlfriend, who was in the process of stripping down. She had pulled off everything save for her underwear, and was currently fiddling with her strawberry-print bra. Admittedly, it was very cute, but that didn't change the fact that this was one of the weirdest things anyone had ever asked him to do.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked.
She paused before looking back at him, surprised. "Yeah? Is something wrong?"
Yes. "No, it's just… well… most people who do this kind of thing prefer to do it to porn."
"Why would I need porn? I have you."
She gestured to him, more specifically the parts of him that were clad only in his boxer shorts. Admittedly, she had him there.
"...Still, this is kind of-"
"Out of the ordinary?"
"Yes, let's go with that. But if you're sure it's what you want-"
"Oh, I'm more than sure. This is gonna be awesome, I can just tell. And I won't forget our deal, either – you do this for me, and I'll give you a night worth remembering."
That actually made him shiver a bit in anticipation. One might think that Ruby Rose – little socially awkward, shy, somewhat introverted, and admittedly pretty strange, not to mention childish – was incapable of being sexy. To a certain extent, they were right, but not right now. Right now, it was one of those rare moments where she wasn't trying to force it. No, this was all natural. And Jaune loved it.
"...Alright, then," he conceded. "If you're ready-"
"Shh, it's starting!" she said excitedly.
Quickly, she reached under the covers and pulled off her panties, which she tossed to the side. Jaune cast a quick glance over at the video to confirm that it was playing before figuring that he had better get started, and ducked under the covers as he waited for the signal.
"Hi guys, thanks for tuning in to another video on Lost Weapons dot com. I'm Ian McBollum, and I'm here today at the Patch Island Auction Company taking a look at a few of the guns they're going to be selling at their upcoming April premier firearms auction..."
That was his cue to get to work, specifically with his mouth, which he did as best as he could. It was hard, though – not only was he not all that experienced with it, but his girlfriend's vocalizations combined with the noises coming from the video were making it really, really difficult to keep his focus. Still, he managed – the history part wasn't too bad, all things considered.
But the disassembly part was where shit started to get to be a bit much.
"Now, let's take it apart."
"O-oh..." Ruby said, letting out a little squeak. "I-Ian, if you p-pull that gun's action out, I'm gonna… gonna..."
"There are just a couple of spring-loaded little tabs, so I push those in and I can pull off the front part of the body housing, which is just this hollow plastic block..."
"A-ah..."
"...And there is our barrel. All the bulk out front is actually just there to house that guy."
"O-oh, G-Gods..."
"We do the same thing on the back. There's a tab here and a tab here, and we can pull off the back. This one is also completely hollow – you can see the little cover for the charging port right there, the ejection port..."
"C-charge my ejection port, Jaune..."
Good Gods, this is awful, Jaune thought to himself. But at least she's into it. That's gotta be worth at least some points in my favor.
"And that's it for that guy."
"O-oh Gods, h-here it comes… I'm gonna… Gonna…!"
"And then we've got this… thing. So, this is the infamous action of the gun."
"AAAAGH!"
And just like that, it was over. Jaune wiped his face clean on the sheets before coming out from under the covers and between her legs. Ruby was lying on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and panting, looking very much like she'd just had the ride of her life.
I think I can actually see little hearts in her eyes. And to think I used to believe that only happened in shitty visual novels.
Jaune cleared his throat. "So, how was-"
That was as far as he got before she seemed to snap herself out of her stupor, suddenly jumping up and pulling him in for a kiss. She held him there for a few seconds before finally breaking away, giving him a very sultry look in the process.
"Well, that was fun," she said. "But now I think I want the real thing. And I think you do, too."
Oh, he did. The two of them fell into each other, Jaune pausing only to mute the video, which she thankfully didn't object to.
He had to admit – Lost Weapons and Chill had been weird as hell when she had brought it up to him and when he had actually done it, but he wasn't complaining at the moment.
So long as it made her happy, he was down for anything.
On second thought, maybe not anything.
"Alright," Jaune began, "Lost Weapons and Chill? Fine. You know, I get it – you like weapons. But this is… no."
Ruby pouted. "Aw, come on! It's not that weird."
"Ruby, it's one thing to want to drench your body in chocolate syrup and have me lick it off. It's quite another to actually want to be completely covered in sugar and caramel, and have me try to eat it."
"What's not to like?! It's like eating candy, but you also get a naked girl! If you try it, you'll like it!"
"Sorry, but I can't do it. I don't want to have a heart attack at the ripe old age of seventeen. I'm sure you understand."
Ruby sighed, dropping the packet of powdered sugar. "...Well, I suppose that Weiss would probably get mad if I got powdered sugar and caramel all over the place..." She shrugged. "Okay, yeah, I'm starting to see the problem."
That wasn't even remotely what the problem was, but at least she was sort of starting to understand. More importantly, at least he had talked his way out of it.
"So, what now?" Ruby asked. "You still ready to go?"
Well, that was a no-brainer. "Ruby, if it's you, I'll always be ready."
She blushed at that, which because it was Ruby, was very cute. Seriously, Ruby was just the kind of girl where anything she did was cute. She wasn't smoking hot like her sister was, but Ruby was still very attractive in her own right. Most importantly, Jaune felt like the two of them were just a good fit for each other in general – neither of them felt like they were out of each other's league, their personalities meshed really well, they had similar interests and hobbies… it was great. It was almost like there was no downside.
Well, save for one.
As if on cue, the door came flying open. Ruby let out a shriek as she reached for the sheets to cover herself with, while Jaune was left to shield himself with just his hands.
"Hel-looo~" Yang sang.
"Yang, get out!" Ruby shouted, her face turning a bright crimson.
Yang was unperturbed. "I will, I will! I'm just here to pick up some-"
"No! Out now!"
"Hey, this is my room too, little sis."
"Yeah, and I'm using it right now! You all said you would be gone for the night!"
"Well, I forgot something."
"Then go get it and leave!"
The two of them continued to bicker while Jaune just watched from the sidelines, feeling like he should step in but unwilling to actually do it, mainly because he had no idea how to defuse this situation. He didn't expect the two sisters to draw steel against each other or anything, but this was a situation that he had absolutely no idea how to deal with. Sure, he had grown up in a small house with a lot of sisters, but he generally didn't run into anything like this with them – his house had been so small that they had pretty much all realized that if they wanted to get their sex on in private without anyone hearing, they were going to have to head to their significant other's house, because the Arc family's thin walls meant that everyone in the entire house was going to hear you taking cock. Or, in Jaune's case, they were all going to hear him greasing the goblin, so to speak.
Naturally, dinner on the day he had discovered that it felt good to touch his peepee had been a very, very awkward affair.
Anyway, the point was that this was the kind of situation that he had no idea how to even begin to handle, and he was afraid that stepping in would just make things worse.
It's like Team RWBY at the docks all over again.
Of course, since this was Yang, staying on the sidelines wasn't really an option either.
Yang suddenly turned her attention towards him, a grin crossing over her face. "Damn, Vomit Boy. You're looking good."
He wasn't really sure how to respond to that. "Uh, thanks."
"No, I mean it. All that time in the weight room and training with Pyrrha must be doing wonders. What are you benching and squatting these days?"
"Two plate and three plate, I think."
"Damn, so soon? Your aura must be huge. And you know what they say about guys with big aura. Then again, I guess Ruby would know more about that."
"Alright!" Ruby shouted. "That's it! Get out!"
"Oh, lighten up, Rubes. I'm just trying to have some fun, same as you."
"You can't have fun with my boyfriend!"
"What, you really think I'd try to steal him from you? Get real. I'm just teasing you both."
"Get out!"
"Alright, alright. Geez."
Yang moved over to the door, and for just a moment, it looked like she was actually about to leave. Unfortunately, that wasn't meant to be. Instead, she paused, then turned back around with a grin on her face.
"Before I go," she said, "I have one question."
"Out!" Ruby hissed.
"I will, but let me just ask this one thing, okay? Anyway, what I want to know is-"
"Yang!"
"-Is she a squirter, Jaune?"
That was enough for Ruby to give up all pretenses of civility and launch herself at her sister using her semblance. Yang being the hand-to-hand fighter meant that she was more than capable of defending herself, but she at least seemed to understand when she deserved a beating, and so didn't resist when Ruby started going in on her. Unfortunately for Ruby, she lacked the sheer strength needed to actually break Yang's aura and hurt her, presumably because nobody had ever taught her how to lift weights or even throw a proper punch.
How do you grow up in an entire family of elite Huntsmen, weightlifters, and hand-to-hand fighters, yet inherit absolutely none of that from any of them?
Jaune loved his girlfriend and all, but sometimes he couldn't help but wonder.
Ruby's shitty hand-to-hand prowess aside, things had devolved into complete pandemonium. Ruby was currently trying (and mostly failing) to beat up her sister, Yang was trying her best not to show how little it actually bothered her, Jaune was still trying to cover himself, and Ruby was still naked. In times like these, there was only one thing to do.
Namely, sit back and let nature run its course.
So, he did. Admittedly, it felt like kind of a shitty thing to do, but come on, how else was he supposed to react to this? It really, truly was like the docks all over again.
She's gonna be mad at me, I can tell.
She was, in fact, mad at him.
"Ruby, I'm sorry," Jaune said for what had to have been the hundredth time that day.
Ruby simply harrumphed before turning away, not speaking to him. He sighed and looked over to Yang for help, who actually seemed somewhat concerned.
"Lighten up, Rubes," she said. "It's not like he could have done much, anyway. I mean, if I were him, I wouldn't have wanted to get between the two of us, either."
Typical Yang – doing her best to mess with them one moment, then feeling remorse for fucking things up and trying to help out the next. That was to be expected, though – Yang wasn't on the straight and narrow for fucking anything these days, especially where Blake was concerned.
I'm convinced that like half the people at this school are only here to experiment with their sexuality and couldn't give less of a shit about actually being Huntsmen. Why else would so many people be more concerned with who's banging who than fighting the forces of evil?
Not that he was judging, mind you – he was basically doing the same thing.
Anyway, Ruby still wasn't talking to him, which was a problem. Thankfully, he had a solution for it.
"Look, I messed up," he began. "But I'll make it up to you. We'll head to that new bakery that just opened up downtown. It'll be my treat."
The effect was instant. In a moment, Ruby seemed to brighten up, or at least she wasn't nearly as mad at him anymore.
"...That had better be a promise," she said, doing her best to sound angry and failing miserably. It was enough to convince Jaune that Ruby truly didn't know how to actually be truly angry, because much like leaving her alone to try and make friends, she was just so damn bad at it that he could tell the autism was hardwired into her.
He chuckled. "Of course."
And with that, the 'wild' Ruby was tame once more. Yang watched it all before letting out a loud gag and acting like she was retching.
"Blegh! Nerd love!"
Surprisingly, it was Weiss of all people who leaned over and slapped her for it. "Quiet, you oaf! You're ruining their moment!"
"...I'm sorry, did you just go to bat for Jaune and Ruby?" Blake asked.
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Why, is that strange to you or something?"
"Yes. I know you don't dislike Ruby anymore, but I wasn't aware that you now thought Jaune was at least okay."
"Are you kidding? I still don't like him all that much – one doesn't just get over pickup lines that terrible."
Thank you for bringing that cringe back to the forefront of my mind, Weiss.
"Anyway, Jaune's still not my favorite person in the world, but he's a master at keeping Ruby away from me, so I find him tolerable in this specific moment, to the point where I would like the relationship to continue."
"Thanks, I guess," Ruby said, sounding about as confused as she did angry… well, 'angry', because as previously established, Ruby didn't know how to actually be truly angry. She was a lot like a puppy or small child, in that respect.
Never thinking about that again, because it really puts my relationship with her in a much different, much more unfavorable light.
Then again, he supposed that he was just as much of a manchild as she was a womanchild. That and Yang seemed to approve of their relationship, so that showed to him that at the very least, it wasn't considered too weird.
I wonder if that will change once I turn eighteen.
Truly a question for the ages. He already knew he was going to have to be careful once he became a legal adult, but he just didn't know how careful.
Man, I sure hope I don't try to do what people in these kinds of serious relationships tend to do, and which we were already doing when we were both still legally classified as minors, and which she would almost certainly still totally want to keep doing even though I turned eighteen, only for us to then find out that we were unknowingly committing a sex crime in the process even though the only thing that changed in our relationship was a very arbitrary date came and went, and suddenly we weren't allowed to have sex anymore, only I didn't know that so I ended up accidentally committing a sex crime because this legal system makes no damn sense, and it completely ruins our relationship and gets me registered as a sex offender, which irreparably ruins my life for no real reason and which mentally scars my girlfriend for life.
Like, I get why the laws exist and agree with the reason why because all pedophiles deserve a bullet, but that would just be ridiculous. Good thing misunderstandings like that don't happen to people like me, right?
...Right?
Accidental felonies aside, this entire situation was somewhat unbelievable. He didn't think someone like Weiss was actually capable of genuinely not hating someone else. Then again, maybe that had just been the result of his ill-fated pickup lines.
Seriously, talk about cringe. No wonder she had started pining after Neptune – any guy must have seemed like an improvement after his initial attempts at courting her.
...But really? Of all people, Neptune? What the fuck? That guy was deathly afraid of water, what the fuck did she think was going to happen if he nutted inside her? Hell, had he ever even nutted before? Was he actually afraid of his own nut?
Anyway, that wasn't important right now. What was important was that he had a bone to pick with Yang in particular.
"You know, Yang," Jaune began, "this is your little sister's first love. She would probably appreciate it if you were a bit more supportive."
Yang seemed nonplussed. "Oh, you want to talk about supportive? Ruby, tell him who's the one who convinced Dad not to come down here with the shotgun."
Ruby sighed tiredly. "...You are."
"And who was the one who convinced Uncle Qrow not to kidnap Jaune in his sleep, strip him naked, cover him in tree sap from the Forever Fall, and leave him in the Emerald Forest?"
"You are."
"And there you have it." Yang folded her arms across her chest. "I'd say that's plenty supportive, wouldn't you? Feel free to start singing my praises now."
"Thanks for not letting me be unjustly killed for the high crime of dating a girl I like who likes me back," Jaune deadpanned.
"Uh, the girl who you like who also likes you back, and who you're currently sleeping with, excuse you. Can't forget that part."
"No, I can't."
"'Cuz, you know, Dad went pretty nuts, thinking about how she was getting just absolutely plowed."
"Yang," Ruby warned.
"Like, he was inconsolable, going on and on about how his 'precious Rose daughter' had lost her innocence and it could never be gotten back. The thought of someone like Jaune banging her and making her go all ahegao with heart-shaped pupils was just too much for him to take."
"Yang, seriously."
"I don't think you guys understand, like you don't even understand, I had to tell him about some of my own sexual history in order to convince him that the world wasn't coming to an end and that he ought to give Jaune a chance, which he did."
Blake seemed surprised. "You have a sexual history?"
"Uh, yeah? I mean, look at me." Yang gestured to herself. "I'm like a supermodel. Did you really think I was a pure virgin or something?"
"...Maybe a little?"
"Wait, really?"
"I don't know, okay? I suppose it's too much to ask that a smoking hot blonde with fat tits stay a virgin through her teenage years in the current year."
"You actually seem really torn up about this," Nora observed.
"Oh, don't mind me. Just lamenting the loss of common decency and how there are no pure waifus anymore."
"Bah. Purity is overrated. Get me someone who's into some real nasty shit, that's where the fun is. Seriously, I don't even get horny these days unless the video features the girl getting hit with Lightning Dust."
Ren choked on his drink, flushing a deep red when he heard that.
"Can we not talk about this at the table, please?" Weiss asked.
"I agree," Jaune said. "I'd rather not-"
"Oh, no way!" Ruby exclaimed. "This is my chance to gross out Yang by telling her all the freaky stuff we get up to!"
Yang chuckled at that. "No offense, Rubes, but I've been around the block more than you. There's nothing you can tell me that you've done that would surprise me. Plus, I've seen your browser history. You're as vanilla as they come. The only person who's more pure than you is Pyrrha… well, and Weiss, who I'm pretty sure doesn't even know what masturbation even is."
"I refuse to dignify that with a response," Weiss said, her eyes narrowing.
"I concur," Pyrrha said tentatively. "Can you please leave me out of whatever it is you're talking about? I have a reputation to uphold."
"I would, but I happen to know that you're crazy about someone at this table," Yang replied.
"What, do you think I'm some kind of super-yandere degenerate pervert who's down for anything so long as the guy I like is the one doing it? Is that what you're trying to imply?"
"Yes."
"You read too many shitty romantic comedies."
"Look," Jaune interrupted, "this is all well and good, but can we get back to the matter at hand?"
"Sure. What was that, again?"
That was a good question. This entire exchange so far was basically impossible to follow. It was literally a conversation about nothing, almost like it was being typed up by some no-talent drunk asshole sitting at a computer somewhere with nothing better to do.
But that would be almost as ridiculous as the Brother gods not only actually existing, but also being responsible for the moon being shattered. So he chose not to believe it.
"All I'm saying is that we can be kinky, too," Ruby protested. "Why, the other night-"
"Please don't start detailing our sex lives in an attempt to seem mature," Jaune begged.
Ruby pouted. "...Fine. But it was super kinky, I swear!"
It really wasn't, unless you considered anal to be kinky… which it probably was at some point before society had gotten so oversexualized that 'kinky' had gone from 'hey, there's another hole back there, I wonder how that would feel' to 'something that would be more at home in that old joke about the aristocrats than in the bedroom.'
When did everyone get so fucked up in terms of their fetishes? Like really, the mere fact that furries even exist in the first place should be grounds for a galaxy-wide extinction event.
"Look, can we please just forget about this tangent and talk about something normal for once?" Jaune begged.
"Please, for the love of the Gods," Weiss agreed.
"Okay, sure," Yang said. "But before we do, I just have one question."
"Please no."
"Jaune, is Rubes as much of a screamer as I think she is?"
Jaune proceeded to bash his head against the table until he passed out.
When Jaune finally awoke from his self-induced head trauma, he found that a few things had changed. For one, some time had apparently passed – last he recalled, Beacon hadn't had Halloween decorations up. This was a problem, because he not only didn't have candy for trick-or-treaters – which were somehow inexplicably still a thing in Beacon among the students, even though they were all at least seventeen, like seriously what the fuck – but also because this was a really, really important date for one reason and one reason only, and it wasn't because it was the day that signaled that every dentist in Vale was about to make a very large contribution to their retirement funds in the coming weeks.
As if on cue, the door to his hospital room burst open, and Jaune was torn when he saw who it was. On the one hand, seeing Ruby was always going to put a smile on his face.
But on the other hand…
"Jaune!" Ruby shouted in excitement before speeding over to him and leaping into his bed. "You're awake! It's been days!"
"How many days?" he asked.
"Three or four, I think. Honestly, I'm surprised it didn't last longer than that, since you were bashing yourself in the head pretty hard. We saw skull and everything. Pyrrha was freaking out."
"I'll bet she was. So, answer me this: Halloween is today, right?"
"It is! And that means-"
"Happy birthday, Rubes." She squealed in excitement, and it actually made his heart flutter when he heard it. "Sorry I didn't have anything planned for you-"
She waved him off. "Well, you were suffering from self-induced head trauma caused by the world's dumbest older sister, so I'll give you a pass. But we're going to the Halloween party tonight, and that's final! In costume, too!"
"That's more than fair. So, are we going to go into town and get costumes?"
"Oh, I already got them!"
"...You did?"
She nodded excitedly. "Yup! You're gonna love them, Jaune!"
Something told them that he was not going to end up loving them.
He did not, in fact, end up loving them.
"So, what do you think?" Ruby asked, a broad smile on her face. "They're great, huh?"
"...Uh, yeah," Jaune said. "Remind me who I am, again?"
"Duh, you're Mikhail Salashnikov! Only you're a sexy Mikhail Salashnikov, so I replaced your pants with buttless chaps! Great, huh?"
"...I see," Jaune said, trying to do his best to seem enthusiastic. "And who are you, then?"
Ruby stood up straight and proudly puffed out her chest. "I'm AS-12, from that popular gacha game where all the girls are guns!"
"...Is there a connection between us, or…?"
"Yeah, you're the guy who made my family of rifles for Atlas! Come on, we watched the Lost Weapons videos on this and everything! Don't tell me you forgot!"
Jaune stayed silent, causing her to pout. "Jaaaaaune! Well, now we're just going to have to watch them again!"
"Are we actually going to watch them this time, then?"
Ruby flushed as red as her cape. "T-tell you what: this time, you'll be watching, and I'll be… um… under the sheets?"
Well, he couldn't argue with that. He wasn't sure how much watching was going to get done with that arrangement, though. Probably more than how it used to be, but still. It was tough to focus on the man presenting old guns to you and giving a brief history lesson on them when a cute girl had your dick in her mouth.
Still, videos he didn't watch aside, Ruby's costume was actually really well-done – it looked homemade, in fact. It wasn't too complicated, consisting mainly of a black jacket, a body belt, and a cloak. There was a gas mask attached to her belt, and she was wearing a set of long black trousers that blended into a pair of heelless boots. Her legs were adorned with ammo pouches, and because this was Ruby, they appeared to be full of what he really hoped were not actually real bullets. Completing the outfit was an old rifle she had slung over her back, and while he knew better than to expect that she would half-ass anything when it came to weapons, he had to know.
"So," he said, motioning to the gun, "Is that a prop, or…?"
Ruby's grin widened as she shook her head. "Nope! This is an authentic surplus Atlesian AS-12! I'm friends with the old guy who runs a gun store back on Patch and managed to convince him to give me a good deal on it. Cool, huh?"
He wasn't much of a gun guy, but it was cute that she was so enthusiastic about it. "Very cool, Rubes. So, did you have to sell some of your other guns to afford that one?"
Immediately, her expression darkened. To Jaune's bewilderment, she leaned in, grabbed him by the collar to pull him close, and then began to speak in a low voice that was barely recognizable as Ruby Rose.
"Listen to me carefully, Jaune," she said. "NEVER sell. Ever. No matter what price they offer you. Never. Sell. You got that?"
"Y-yes, I think? Is there a reason why-"
"A few. For one, surplus guns only ever go up in value, because they're not being made anymore. Whatever you sell it for, it's worth more than what you got for it just because of that. More importantly, whatever gun you sell, no matter how trash it is, you will regret selling, especially if it's old or rare. MOST importantly, whoever you sell it to could be a Bubba."
"Who's Bubba?"
"Let me put it this way, Jaune: there are only three things that a weapon fears, and they are – in order of most to least dangerous – politicians, Bubba, and rust. I would demonstrate why Bubba is so dangerous to historical firearms, but even thinking of that M1 Garland rifle jury-rigged to fit into an EBR chassis makes me want to throw up all the candy corn I just ate five minutes ago, so I won't do it."
There were several scary things about that sentence, but out of all of them, the absolute scariest was that he was dating someone who actually enjoyed eating candy corn.
Then again, it's Ruby. She's probably only eating it for the sugar rush and couldn't give less of a shit about the actual taste if she tried.
Seriously, he had once caught her tearing open packs of coffee sweetener and dumping them into her mouth when she was really desperate for a sugar high and was out of chocolate. At times, she was even worse than Nora.
Note to self: for Nondescript Winter Holiday, a good stocking filler would be a voucher for the dentist's office.
He wasn't sure if something like that even existed, but whether it did or not, he was confident that he could talk the dentist down to a more reasonable price – after all, given Ruby's diet in general, said dentist was probably already a very rich man.
Ruby finally let go of his collar, her point apparently having been made. Reaching up, she smoothed out his shirt, then stood back to admire her work.
"You know," she said, "military uniforms look pretty good on you. If the Huntsman thing doesn't work out, you could always enlist."
"I don't think I'm Army material," Jaune said.
"What makes you say that?"
"You look at me and tell me I'm not the kind of guy that the drill instructors would just love. I've read stories about boot camp, Rubes. They'd have me running all around catching flies with my bare hands for hours, and then whenever I inevitably accidentally killed one, they'd force me to run laps around the base for 'damaging Army property.' No thank you."
"...Okay, fair. But you do look good in a uniform."
Admittedly, he did wear it rather well, though that wasn't saying much – it was just a simple dark green soldier's uniform, with the only real noticeable part of it being the epaulettes. If you don't know what those are, they're the decorative shoulder pieces that go on military dress uniforms.
That's right. You came here to laugh... but I just made you learn. You've just been BOOKED dot com.
Anyway, the point was, this was okay… well, aside from the assless – or, as Ruby said, 'buttless' – chaps. But he could deal. Yang and probably Coco were going to absolutely roast him to death when they saw him, but honestly, he had been through worse. On the list of terrible shit he had been through on his life, this was somewhere slightly above peeing with an erection but nowhere near accidentally walking in on Saphron getting her asshole eaten by her girlfriend.
Yes, he still had nightmares. No, therapy had not helped.
Figures that the one time someone decides to get laid in the Arc family house, I end up walking in on it. Just my fucking luck.
Anyway, uncomfortable memories aside, he was all set.
"To the party, then," he announced.
Ruby offered her arm, which he took. The two of them began to walk towards Beacon's assembly hall, with Jaune doing his best to ignore the stares and jeers sent his way.
Remember, Jaune – they only hate you 'cuz they ain't you.
The party, as expected, was a good time. Everyone was in costume, though some of them were obviously better than others.
"Weiss, what are you supposed to be, again?"
Weiss huffed in indignation. "You idiot! I am clearly the famous opera singer, Carmen-"
And that was the exact moment when Jaune stopped listening, because he knew exactly what was coming – a famous Schnee family rant. Honestly, he was surprised it had taken her this long to finally hit him with one.
At least she actually managed to hit me with something this time. Generally she has trouble with that.
"Yo, Vomit Boy."
Ah, shit.
"Yang," Jaune greeted as he turned to her. "You're looking good."
She was, actually. Her costume wasn't complex at all – just a white sleeveless shirt that showed her midriff, a miniskirt, and a white teardrop earring on her left ear. Most shocking of all, she had actually done something to her hair – sure, she had merely tied it into a dolphin tail split at the tips, but given that it was Yang, he was just surprised that she had actually done something with it.
"Thanks, man," Yang replied. "You're looking… well, you're looking."
"Hey, Ruby picked out my costume for me, since I was unconscious and all."
"I see. And are you happy with it?"
"...I like that we match."
"Good answer." She took a sip of her punch, which Jaune took notice of.
"How's the punch?"
"Definitely spiked."
"Oh. Sorry to hear that."
"I'm not; I'm the one who spiked it. There's about half a liter of white rum in it by now."
"Oh, of course," Weiss said, rolling her eyes. "Why would I expect that Yang would let anyone else enjoy the refreshments? What next, are you going to replace the brownies with pot brownies?"
"No, but that's an excellent suggestion for the Vytal dance. I'm sure Coco will be very happy to hear it."
"Hold on," Jaune interrupted. "Half a liter of white rum? Isn't that a lot?"
"Oh, fuck yeah. I'm gonna be hungover tomorrow, that's for sure."
"C-can you even taste the punch at that point?" Weiss asked, horrified.
"Haha, nope! Isn't it great?"
Honestly, this was just par for the course for a bunch of teenagers who didn't actually like the taste of alcohol, but who only drank to get drunk. What kind of degenerate actually drinks like that, anyway? At least savor the taste instead of just slamming it to try and dull the pain of whatever ails you.
"Anyway," Yang announced, "Jaune, I'm gonna need a favor from you."
"What do you need?"
"I need you to make sure that Ruby doesn't get into any of the punch, because she's a total lightweight."
"I'm actually scared to ask how you know this."
"Simple: she once got a hold of my uncle's hip flask and took a big swig from it. I've never seen someone get plastered after just a mouthful of vodka, but apparently Rubes can't handle her liquor at all. Though I guess that's just another thing you two have in common."
One time, one time – a guy goes out for a drink with a friend and gets absolutely hammered after a single beer one time, and of course she couldn't ever let him live it down.
Man, forget Blake. It was starting to look like Yang was actually the worst girl on Team RWBY. That wasn't saying much because aside from Ruby they were pretty much all bad in their own special ways, and even then he was probably only biased in Ruby's favor because he was dating her, but still.
That's enough bad thoughts about your girlfriend, Jaune. The last thing you need is her finding out about them.
You laugh about that, but he sometimes talked in his sleep, and Ruby was a very light sleeper. If he had a secret, she was most likely going to find out about it. So after quickly purging his mind of that particular thought, he turned back to Yang.
"Well, I would agree, but I'm afraid that it seems like I'm too late."
"Sorry, what?"
"Oh yeah, she drank like three cups full of punch like thirty seconds ago."
Punctuating his statement was a round of automatic gunfire that sent pretty much everyone in the room scattering for safety. Jaune merely sighed as he turned towards the noise and found exactly what he expected to find, which was Ruby standing there, swaying side-to-side as she tried her best to replace her weapon's spent magazine with a fresh one, failing miserably every time because she was absolutely shitfaced.
Yang groaned. "Dad and Uncle Qrow are going to kill me when they find out..."
Good, Jaune thought. Honestly, it was about time that she got some kind of actual comeuppance for her shenanigans, because Ruby's little baby fists were incapable of matching the kind of damage that a disappointed father could do with a mere word.
Anyway, Jaune could see that the situation was rapidly getting out of control. The Halloween party was pretty much ruined, if the thirty or so new holes in the ceiling and the fact that most of the patrons had already run for their lives were any indication. Now it fell to him to make sure that Ruby didn't accidentally put a bullet in her foot or something, because Gods knew that Yang had never once been responsible in her life before this and she wasn't about to start now.
"Out of my way," Jaune said, pushing through both Yang and Weiss.
Approaching Ruby, he found that he had gotten there just in time, as she had finally managed to slide a magazine into her weapon's receiver and was about to pull back on the charging handle.
Well, what do you know – apparently, I did learn something from all those Lost Weapons videos, and it wasn't just where the G spot is.
Ignoring that, Jaune instead focused on the task at hand, which he did by reaching out and blocking Ruby's hand as she once again tried to chamber a round.
"Alright, Hero of the Mantelian Union, I think you've done enough damage," he announced.
Ruby blinked. "Wha…? B-but, I want more gunshots! T-they're all… all… um… loud, and the surplus ammo smells so good!"
"Why did you even bring a real gun and live ammo to a dance, anyway? I get that it's in-character and all, but still, this is supremely dangerous. Why did Glynda and Ozpin even let you in like that, anyway? I thought they were supposed to be chaperoning this whole thing to make sure that nobody got too hurt or too pregnant?"
"I sense a disturbance," Ozpin suddenly announced, turning his attention away from his glass of gin.
Glynda waved him off. "Bah, forget about it. We've been chaperoning these dances together for over a decade and not a single thing has gone wrong."
"I know, but I can't help but feel like something will go wrong this time."
"Oh, please. What, do you suddenly expect Salem to start being competent? Next you'll tell me that we should postpone the Vytal Festival because some idiot is going to launch an attack on the CCT as part of a ridiculous and out-of-nowhere plot to steal the Maiden's powers, which will nonetheless succeed because we're all actually secretly retarded. Do you really think we're that incompetent, Ozpin?"
In the background, Ozpin couldn't help but notice that Port was currently doing a keg stand while every other member of his inner circle, James Ironwood included, loudly cheered him on. Still, he shrugged.
"I guess you're right. Besides, what's the point of immortality if you can't have a little fun every once in awhile? I'm sure the kids will be fine."
"Of course. It's not like any of them were dumb enough to bring an automatic weapon to the dance or something. Seriously, what kind of idiot would even do something like that? It's like a bit out of a really bad comedy."
"Anyway, Rubes, I think you've had enough fun," Jaune declared. "Also, you're completely drunk, and you're going to have a massive hangover tomorrow. I think it's time for bed."
Despite the fact that she was swaying from side to side, a sultry grin crossed Ruby's face. "Is that an invitation, Jaune?"
"...Normally, it would be. But you're drunk, and I'm trying to be responsible for once, so-"
"Ooooh, Mister Salashnikov, I've been a bad, baaad rifle," Ruby said, fluttering her eyes as she placed a hand on her hip. "I jammed during our field op today. My operator was furious with me. What are you going to do about it?"
"I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I'm going to grab you real tight."
"Yeah?"
"I'm going to pick you up in a princess carry."
"Mmm… keep going, big boy."
"And I'm going to be a gentleman and put you to bed so you can sleep off all the booze you've had to drink."
Her sultry look disappeared, replaced with a pout. "Jaaaaune! Stop being a stick in the mud and role play with me!"
He would, but again, she was drunk. Also, he was pretty sure that she was mixing up her role play elements – he thought she was just supposed to be role playing a character from that one gacha game she spent ungodly amounts of money on, the one where the characters were all female androids named after guns. But now she was bringing in elements from that one shitty fanservice anime she made him watch where the characters weren't just girls named after guns, they actually were guns. He could handle her getting drunk to an extent, but getting her role playing mixed up? That just wouldn't do.
"I'll cut you a deal, Rubes," Jaune offered. "I'm going to take you back to your room and put you to bed so you can get some rest. Then, when there's no longer a risk of you puking all over me, we can role play as much as you want. Deal?"
"...Fine," Ruby conceded. "But only if you carry me!"
"I wouldn't have it any other way."
With that, Jaune scooped her up into his arms, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. This being Ruby, she was surprisingly light – at worst, she was comparable to something like a medium machine gun with a bipod, several attachments, and plenty of ammo belts strewn across his body.
Oh, Gods damn it, now she's got me doing it.
Ignoring that for the moment, he proceeded to make his way back through the room, doing his best not to disturb Ruby too much, since she had very quickly fallen asleep in his arms. He had just about made it past Yang and Weiss when he decided that this situation called for something drastic – some kind of flex, anything he could do to piss Yang off even slightly for continuing to enable Ruby's bad behavior.
It wasn't hard to think of something.
"Well, what do you know?" he said aloud. "Looks like I'm Ruby's favorite now."
"Oh, ha ha," Yang said, rolling her eyes. "Laugh it up, Jaune. We all know who Ruby really cares about."
"We do, and unfortunately for you, it's not who you think it is."
"How do you figure?"
"Last I checked, she isn't screaming out your name during sex."
Yang actually seemed flustered and unsure what to say about that. Jaune considered that to be more than enough of a victory for now, and decided that now was a good time to go put Ruby to bed. Stepping away from Yang, he proceeded to make his way to Ruby's dorm, the whole time chuckling softly to himself at the fact that he had finally gotten one over on Yang.
Halloween came and went, and with it, Ruby's inevitable detention. She had his sympathy, because detention with Goodwitch was something he wouldn't even wish on Cardin, but honestly Ruby had earned it when she had shot a bunch of holes in the roof. Frankly, she was lucky that she had only gotten detention rather than being forced to patch the holes herself.
Anyway, it was now a few days later. Ruby had been surprisingly docile over the week, probably because her hangover had been so bad that she'd had to spend several days recovering after the party. They hadn't even done anything lewd, though Jaune didn't mind at all – her health was far more important.
Of course, all that really meant was that she had been forced to go for several days without any kind of release. To put it simply, she was pent-up.
And unfortunately for Jaune, she'd thought of just the thing to do to get some form of release.
"I don't mean to be rude, Ruby, but this is probably the dumbest thing you've ever asked me to do. It's even worse than Lost Weapons and Chill."
"Oh, hush," Ruby said as she continued to put up the black background. "It's not like you have to do anything but stand there and let me get you off."
"I know, but still, this is embarrassing, even for two cringelords like us. And yes, I know that the only people to ever see the video will be you and me, but that doesn't change the fact that this is still premium cringe."
Ruby turned to him with a frown. "Uh, you promised me after the Halloween party that you'd role play as much as I wanted."
"That's true, I did."
"Well, I wanna. And because I wanna, we're gonna."
Jaune sighed tiredly before nodding. "...Fine, fine. Guess I can't complain too much."
"Yeah, especially since I'll be doing most of the work," Ruby said playfully. "All you have to do is stand there, play along, and look good for the camera. Shouldn't be too hard for you at all."
He sighed again, this time out of resignation, before nodding. "...Alright, alright. Since this is something you clearly really want to do, I'm down for it… so long as the video stays sealed away in a place where only you can get to it. And no, I don't mean under your mattress, like your diary is."
"Oh, trust me, I've got the perfect place picked out. It's the one place that nobody but us would ever even think to look."
"...You're going to hide the video on a thumb drive nestled between the pages of your sister's notebook, aren't you?"
Ruby grinned sheepishly, and Jaune had to admit, it was a good plan – nobody was going to go poring through Yang's notes, least of all Yang herself. It was probably the absolute best place Ruby could think to hide the video, while still also having it be somewhat accessible to her for when she wanted to actually use it.
"Okay, then," Jaune said. "So, what do we do first?"
"First off, b-roll," Ruby declared. "Stand still, I'm going to rock your world for a bit."
He did, and it was good. The camera made things awkward, as did Ruby constantly changing positions, but honestly, he couldn't complain too much, even if she was clearly just trying to edge him at the moment. After a few minutes of that, from all different positions and all different angles, Ruby stood up, straightened herself out, smoothed out her hair, and motioned for him to fall in next to her.
"Stand next to me," she said. "Right about… yeah, there."
"Uh, alright?" Jaune replied, confused. "I thought we were filming a sex tape."
"We are. Trust me, you'll see what I'm going for. For now, just stand there and look cute."
Something about this didn't feel right, but he wasn't about to ruin her fun by telling her that. Instead, he did as he was told, standing there and doing his best to look good. That was probably easier said than done given that he was somewhat disheveled and covered with various bodily fluids, but if it worked for her, it worked for him.
Finally, Ruby seemed ready to continue. She hit the record button on her camera, and that was when Jaune realized instantly what she was going for.
"If you've ever spent all your money on sex toys and lube and didn't have any money for condoms, go ahead and hit that subscribe button. Guys, like and comment! The comment section is out of control – there is nothing I can do to stop you. DustTube is disappointed in you; I am not. Get into the comment section, find out why it has become a little bit tame, but I still love you guys."
It took all of Jaune's self-control not to groan then and there.
Are you fucking kidding me? Of course she would pattern her sex tape after a DustTube weapon reviewer. Just Ruby things, I suppose.
She didn't seem to notice just how hard Jaune was trying not to cringe, instead continuing to speak into the camera.
"Guys, the biggest supporter of the channel right now is Large Father Infinity. Large Father Infinity is like the CostMart of the sex world – 99 cents for the first month. Is it worth it? Well, are you worth it? You more than likely are, so get in there."
Rubes, I'm begging you, don't make this any worse than it already is.
"Ladies, gentlemen, and my often forgotten – but not by me – Dust-powered massage wands, welcome to the channel."
Oh, Gods damn it, she made it worse than it already is.
"Today, we're going to be talking about my boyfriend, Jaune. I've wanted to do this video for a long time, because there's a lot to talk about with Jaune. I could go on and on about the emotional aspect of our relationship, but I know that's not why you're here. No, you're here to see it get lewd, and to see me stop talking and start using my mouth for something else. So, let's get right into it. We're gonna go tip-to-butt, like we always do, but first, we'll start the same as usual: with a nice visual inspection."
Ruby suddenly reached down, causing Jaune to tense when he felt her grab him. He knew she was probably the very last person in all of Remnant who would ever dream of hurting him, but he was a man, and being a man, he always worried about his balls being manhandled, even if it was misplaced. Thankfully, it was, as she was ultimately very gentle with him.
"To start with, you can see that we've got a pretty good size going on," Ruby declared. "Probably about six, six-and-a-half inches when bone pressed? Bigger than average for sure, but not porn star size. Perfect for me, though – I'm pretty small, and if it was any bigger than that, it'd probably tear me in half. As it is now, though, it's just right."
Jaune wasn't sure whether to thank her or if he was supposed to stay silent, so instead he took a third option and decided to just let her do whatever she wanted to him, because he knew better than to risk antagonizing a girl who was currently holding his most sacred of areas in her hand.
"Next up, you can see that he's done a very impressive job when it comes to manscaping, which is always good. You know how it is, ladies – you don't want your man to have too much hair down there, because the last thing you need is a mouthful of it. At the same time, if you're like me, you also don't want it completely shaved bare. However, that can cause problems – when the hair starts to grow back, it can get pretty stiff, and during sexy times, it can actually be somewhat painful when you brush up against each other. That's why it's important to get yourself a guy who knows how to trim properly, and I'm happy to say that in this case, Jaune is one of them."
Well, that was flattering, he supposed. If nothing else, it was good to know that his girlfriend really did appreciate the time he spent manscaping. You'd think it wouldn't take that long, but he had to make sure it was perfect for her.
"Anyway," Ruby continued, "enough about that, you want to know how it works. First, we're going to test the firmness – you know, go ahead and ghost the length together with me. So just pretend like your hand is over mine, put on a little Unchained Melody in the background, and-"
Jaune had to bite back a moan as her hand started to move agonizingly slowly. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her flash him a smirk, which was all he needed to know that she was absolutely taking her time on purpose. It was like she was edging him all over again.
Who would have suspected that Ruby of all people could be sexy like this?
Not him, but that was part of what made him love her so much – she seemed to know just what to do to him, and when to do it.
"Hmm..." Ruby said. "Yup, definitely about six, six-and-a-half inches. Great size overall – pretty girthy, too. Sex toys just can't compare to the real thing. Now then, I suppose we should get to the real meat – heh, pun intended – of the video. You all probably have just one question: how does it feel inside? Well..."
Without warning, she looped her hands around his neck before gently falling backwards onto the table she had laid out, carefully pulling him down to rest on top of her. He looked her in the eyes for a moment, and that was more than enough for him to tell exactly what she wanted from him.
So he gave it to her.
"A-ah!" Ruby cried out, biting her lip. She turned back towards the camera. "Y-yup! Feels like you'd expect – really, really good! S-solid – oh, Gods – t-ten out of ten! Like I said, toys just don't… don't…"
She trailed off, once again biting her lip before turning back to him, a desperate look on her face. "Oh, forget it! Just give it to me, Jaune! Hard as you can!"
He was all too happy to oblige, both because she had been teasing him for what felt like an eternity and because he was more than ready for this dumbass roleplay to be over with.
Seriously, a Garland Thumb role play? What the fuck else is next, an AS Guy role play?
"No."
Ruby pouted. "Come on, Jaune! It's just for a bit!"
"Ruby, I love you, which is why I am telling you now that I refuse to do this."
"But Jaune-"
"No, Ruby. Now put the White Talon drink away, I'm not fucking drinking that nasty-ass shit."
She sighed tiredly. "Fine… but Uncle Qrow isn't going to be happy that his alcoholic seltzer has gone missing and wasn't actually used."
"You probably should have thought of that before trying to give it to me."
"Alright, alright. But we can at least bang normally, right?"
"Oh, like you even need to ask. Come here."
That was one thing about dating Ruby – sure, they were both dorks. Sure, she had some fucking weird fetishes. Sure, Yang was an annoying ass. Sure, she was kind of autistic. But at the end of the day, she was still cute as a button and someone who had a lot in common with him, and that was what he really cared about.
I just hope she never asks me to fuck her at the gun range ever again. Once was more than enough.
And there it is, the redone Ruby chapter, just in time for Ruby's birthday. You all pointed out that this was a perfect opportunity to do it, so I decided to oblige you as best as I could.
With this chapter, I wanted to do something a bit different than I usually see done with Ruby. Usually, I see her portrayed as either being super-innocent or super perverted, and I wasn't really a fan of either one – I tried innocent and it was absolute ass, and perverted just didn't feel right. I eventually decided to take a third option, one that I bet absolutely nobody was expecting: weapon nut Ruby. Hence, we get a Ruby with a standard sex drive of someone in a relationship, but who combines it with her unhealthy love of deadly weapons. Admittedly, there's a bit of author appeal there, too – as someone else with a possibly unhealthy love of deadly weapons, I tend to view Ruby as a kindred spirit, so I took that as my cue to go all-out with it this chapter.
The DustTube reviewers mentioned in this chapter are real people, by the way – Lost Weapons is Forgotten Weapons, Garland Thumb is Garand Thumb, and the AS Guy is the AK Guy/Brandon Herrera. Pretty much everything that's a weirdly-named proper noun in this chapter is a shittily-disguised parody of the real thing – Ruby dressed Jaune up as Mikhail Kalashnikov and herself as AK-12 from Girls Frontline, White Talon alcoholic seltzer is White Claw, Large Father Infinity is Big Daddy Unlimited, etc. As for the actual content, the dialog from the Lost Weapons video is taken directly from the Forgotten Weapons video on the G11 (aside from the intro; the concept of the Patch Island Auction House worked too well for me to not use it) and the Garland Thumb video parody is a parody of one of Garand Thumb's weapon reviews, with the dialog taken directly from it as well, though for the life of me, I can't remember exactly which video it's from at the moment, so I guess you'll just have to watch them all if you want to find out that much.
Anyway, I really love writing Ruby, because there's so much you can do with her. This chapter is no exception – she was a great time to work with, and super easy to think of material for, to. It really didn't take me too much time to think of how I wanted this chapter to go once I thought up the concept of Lost Weapons and Chill, which seemed so right that it sort of colored the direction of the entire chapter from the instant it was put onto paper. Overall, I'm a lot happier with this chapter than the initial Ruby chapter – I'd say it fits her well enough, and it's also not completely at odds with the rest of this fic like the original Ruby chapter was.
Anyway, since it's Halloween, I'm off to celebrate by gorging myself on candy, playing Resident Evil games until nightfall, and then going to a party and getting absolutely plastered. Good thing I'm not as much of a lightweight as Ruby is in this chapter, and that I'll be leaving my weapons at home.
Next update: Saturday, November 14.