Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 27: Roma Torchwick (Roman R63), or: Stealing Jaune's Virginity
It was sheer pandemonium at the docks. Two teams – RWBY and JNPR – were neck-deep in White Fang cronies, with two strangers – a monkey Faunus and an orange-haired girl shooting lasers – there to back them up.
And out of all of them, Jaune was the only one not doing anything.
In his defense, it wasn't quite his fault – the others had specifically ordered him to wait on the sidelines, and he had agreed, because as much as he hated to admit it, he still didn't know how to fight other people worth shit. The White Fang, incompetent as they were, would absolutely eat him alive if he went out there and tried to back up his friends. So instead, he sat on the sidelines, waiting for someone to call for him, and in the meantime, he was left to contemplate life's many mysteries.
Why don't I use a gun? He thought to himself as yet another White Fang member went flying above him. Seriously, what was I thinking, coming to Beacon with just a sword and shield? That's like entering a knife fight with just your fists, or a demolition derby in a go-kart.
Then again, maybe it was for the best – he had never fired a gun before, so as far as he knew, he was just as liable to accidentally shoot himself somehow.
But I've used a bunch of them in video games, so it can't be that hard. Just look down the sights and pull the trigger. Hell, the White Fang uses guns, and those guys are only about one standard deviation above retarded. If they can do it, I can-
His musing was interrupted by someone tapping him on the shoulder. He actually jumped before turning around, and was surprised to see a diminutive, multicolored girl staring back at him, a smug smirk on her face.
"Uh, hey," he said awkwardly. "Can I help you?"
The girl merely tilted her head, saying nothing. He had no time to wonder what was going on before his world exploded in pain. One moment, he was standing; the next, he was wavering between conscious and unconscious while someone slung him over their shoulder and took off running.
The last thing he saw before blacking out was an airship touching down and opening its cargo bay to swallow him whole.
When Jaune awoke, it was to complete darkness and a throbbing pain in his head. He hissed when he first felt it, then shook the pain away as he tried to open his eyes. Delirious as he was, it took him a moment to realize that he wasn't actually closing his eyes, he had just been blindfolded. Not only that, but his hands were also bound – it felt like he had been tied to a chair.
How cliché can you fucking get? What am I, a member of the Mystery Bunch or something? ...On second thought, fuck yeah, I'd love to be a member of the Mystery Bunch, that'd actually be pretty cool. Driving around in an old hippie van, solving mysteries with a bro and his talking dog, along with two cute girls… why can't life be like the cartoons?
Why yes, he was doing his best to think of anything but his current predicament at the moment, how could you tell? In his defense, he would much rather think of old cartoons than the fact that he was most likely currently tied up in some serial killer's basement, and was almost certainly about to be used as a chainsaw sharpener or something.
Way to go, Jaune – you've gotten yourself into yet another mess. This is even worse than the time when some of Weiss' underwear accidentally ended up in your laundry somehow.
...Well, maybe not that bad.
And then he felt a breeze go between his legs, which made him realize that he was completely naked.
...Okay, maybe it is that bad. Well, I just hope that when they do decide to kill me, they start from the head down instead of the waist up.
Before his musing could continue, Jaune heard a voice from outside the room.
"-telling you, this whole operation is a bust. Fire Bitch is going to be furious; she's liable to flambe my ass if she hears about how we got stomped at the docks. And as for you? Well, I hope you like baked alaska." There was a pause. "What do big-titted blondes have to do with a dessert? Did you make your special brownies again, Neo? I thought you told me you were over that." Another pause. "Of course I don't get the reference, you haven't explained it to me! I really have no idea what you're talking about; all I know is that whatever it is, it's probably something that makes no sense. Honestly, I'm past the point of caring – we're going to have figure out something before she roasts us to death at some point. I'm not sure what it will be, but it's gonna have to be big if we're going to survive." She sighed. "Whatever, let's just check on the prisoner."
Shit. Well, old friend, looks like your time is up. Now is the time to make amends for all your crimes.
So he did.
To any Gods who can hear this, I'd like to formally apologize for all the messed-up shit I've jerked it to. In my defense, I'm a sexually repressed boy growing up in a family with seven women in it, so naturally I was going to gravitate towards traps after having to deal with real women and their bullshit for so long. That doesn't make it right, but I'm just trying to cover all my bases here so I don't get barred from the afterlife on the basis of being a huge degenerate. I mean, since I'm about to die from chainsaw murder, the least you could do is cut me a break when it comes to the things I've cranked it to. He paused in his musing. ...If you're going to send me to Hell, can you at least send me to one of the layers above the ones containing people who cheat on their spouses, and the people who ship Yang/Ruby? If I'm going to spend an eternity burning for my sins, I'd rather burn with people who are equally as bad as me, not worse.
That was as far as his dumbass stream-of-consciousness got before the door to the room came swinging open. From behind his blindfold, Jaune was able to feel a bit of light hit his face, as well as hear two sets of high heels click against the floor as their wearers walked into the room. The acrid smell of cigar smoke filled the room, causing him to wrinkle his nose in disgust.
Both sets of footsteps stopped just in front of him, and he had to hold himself back from swallowing nervously, knowing that he was likely about to meet his maker.
"Well, well," he heard a sultry voice say. "What do we have here? You don't look like one of the brats from the docks, or at least not one of the ones that was really being a pain in my ass."
Jaune said nothing, not because he was unwilling to give her anything, but because he didn't know if he was even supposed to respond.
I knew I should have watched those old mafia movies with my family when they had them on.
In his defense, they were like three-hour movies. Who the fuck has the patience to sit through a three-hour drama? Not your average teenage boy, that's for sure. As far as he was concerned, any movie that had the audacity to demand his attention for a consecutive hundred and eighty minutes had better have a good amount of uncensored tits in it, otherwise it was a waste of time.
"I asked you a question, boy," the woman said, her tone taking on a bit of an edge. "I expect a response, unless you want me to force one out of you."
And that was when another problem made itself known. Namely, that Jaune had a certain fetish. It wasn't exactly a degenerate fetish or anything, at least not on its own – rather, it was actually very common among young men, he had heard. Unfortunately, it was also the absolute worst fetish for him to have at this very moment, except for maybe a cuckold fetish, because there is never a good time to be a cuck. Ever. Like, someone could have a gun to your head and be threatening to kill you unless you became a cuck, and you'd still be better off taking the bullet, because at least you'd die with your dignity intact.
But that wasn't the problem right now. As far as he could tell, there was zero cucking to be done here, which was good because then he would have been screaming for death. No; rather, this entire situation was playing into his big love of femdom.
And the woman, whoever she was, seemed to realize this, as she suddenly roared with laughter.
"Look, Neo! He's got an erection! Hey, boy – this situation helping you get your rocks off or something? What, do you like being tied up and having girls tell you what to do?"
Jaune said nothing, though he didn't have to – his face flushing bright red was more than enough for her to figure everything out. Again, she laughed.
"Ah, Gods, that's rich. You know what, I think we got off on the wrong foot. Neo, take the blindfold off him, would you? I think there's an easier way to do this."
To Jaune's bewilderment, the blindfoled came off, letting him see for the first time since he had woken up. And honestly, he shouldn't have been surprised – standing before him was the ice cream girl from the docks, as well as none other than Roma Torchwick herself.
Though honestly, who else would she be? I don't know what I expected.
"Torchwick," he spat. "I thought the others took care of you."
"Unfortunately for all of you, I die hard," Roma said. Her gaze traveled down to his crotch. "And apparently, me dying isn't the only thing that's hard."
Again, Jaune flushed red. He couldn't help himself – this exact scenario was one of his biggest fantasies, not to mention that Roma was incredibly hot. Clad in a red-lined white suit that opened up at the top to show off some of her ample chest, along with some very tight black dress pants that accentuated her rear and her hips, she was the very definition of a femme fatale. Completing the look were a few accessories – a gray scarf, some black gloves, and her ever-present bowler hat, all brought together with her bright orange hair that cascaded down to the small of her back, and which fell over her right eye. Finally completing the look was the heavy dash of eyeliner surrounding her left eye, the black helping to draw out her eye's natural bright green.
Roma grinned widely when she noticed him staring. "Lighten up, kid – you're acting like this is a torture of some kind."
"Am I supposed to interpret it as something else?"
"Well, if this was torture, you wouldn't have a stiffy right now, would you? I'd say that you've got a pretty good deal at the moment – you've got a sexy older woman leering at you and dominating you, which is clearly something you've dreamed about."
She wasn't wrong, but she also wasn't Goodwitch, so she was still somewhat far off.
In his defense, you look at Goodwitch and tell him that woman wasn't fucking built for femdom. It was like she had been expressly designed by the Gods to fulfill every single sexy teacher stereotype on the books.
Anyway, sexy teachers aside, this was quickly becoming a delicate situation, and he wasn't sure how to get out of it. Normally this was the point in the movies he liked to watch where the hero managed to seduce the sexy villainess and charm her over to his side, but come on, what were the odds of that happening? He'd sooner bet money on Ironwood suddenly turning evil for no real reason at all than that happening.
"What do you want?" Jaune spat, having had enough of her making fun of him. "If you're going to do something, then do it. Don't waste my time."
"My, my – brave words for someone in your position. You know, if I so desired, I could easily have you killed right now."
Her words were emphasized by someone – no doubt her little helper – pressing the point of a blade against the side of his neck. Jaune swallowed nervously, knowing that his life was in her hands.
"But then again, it's so rare that I get to have any fun," Roma lamented. "I'd rather make things last."
"Last how?"
"Well, for one, I'd like to see what it takes to push you over the edge. It's so rare that I get to break a man in this way – do you have any idea how rare a submissive Huntsman is? I never get to have any fun."
"...You're keeping me alive because you're a sexual sadist and want to have fun with me?"
Roma clapped her hands together. "Well done! I'm surprised it didn't take you longer to figure out."
"But why? I'm your enemy."
"Yes, you are. And that just makes you more fun to break."
"And if I don't want to go along with it?"
"Kid, have you seen what's going on downstairs with you right now? If that's not going along with it, I don't know what is. You're clearly just as into this as I am."
As much as Jaune hated to admit it, she was right – he was at full mast right now.
Gods damn it, why couldn't I just jerk it to regular porn? Why did I have to turn into such a fucking coomer?
"But anyway," Roma continued, "if, hypothetically, you weren't going to go along with it, then I guess I'd just have to resort to regular torture to learn what I wanted from you. But that's no fun – I'm a sexual sadist, not a regular sadist. If I wanted to really hurt you, I'd have Neo do it."
Jaune assumed that Neo was the ice cream girl, who he had to admit, suddenly got a lot scarier what with him knowing about that. She was basically like a poison dart frog, or the average stripper – pretty to look at, but super dangerous.
"But anyway, I'll admit that it's been a long time since I've had any fun like this," Roma said. "I've been so busy working for Fire Bitch that I've had no time to cut loose."
"Fire Bitch?"
Roma frowned. "Almost let it slip… anyway, don't you worry, hon – I'll make sure we both have a good time. You get what you want, and I'll get what I want. When I'm done with you, I'll even let you go. You can run back to Beacon, perfectly healthy. All it'll cost you is some information."
"And if I refuse?"
"You won't. And do you want to know why?"
She suddenly walked over to him, then bent down to gently grab him by the chin. Forcing his head up, the two of them locked eyes. For the first time, Jaune noticed how much her expression had changed, from one of pure tiredness and stress to one that was downright predatory. Slowly, a grin crossed her face.
"Because I know exactly how to break men like you."
Before Jaune could do anything, Roma reached down to his crotch, grabbing ahold of him. He let out a yelp and tried to thrash free, but Roma simply held him there, continuing to force him to stare into her eyes.
"Ah, ah, ah – no looking away, hon. Not when the fun hasn't even started yet."
Slowly, agonizingly, she started to stroke him. Jaune found himself forced to bite back a moan as he felt her go to work. Roma noticed this, and her grin widened.
"That's it, that's it – let yourself go. It feels good, doesn't it? Now, be a good boy and just give in to me already."
Finally, Jaune felt it – the sweet release, coming up under the surface. His whole body tensed in preparation, and his breathing hitched. Unfortunately, Roma seemed to notice as well, as her ministrations suddenly stopped. Jaune froze as she pulled her hand away from him, leaving him teetering on the edge. With the two of them still looking into each other's eyes, he was able to see as her expression went from sultry to mocking.
"Aww~" she teased. "Poor you. Right at the edge – so close, and yet so far. It must be hard, being stuck there and knowing that you're only an inch away from release. Even worse, you know that I'm the only one here who can give it to you. Of course, there's an easy way out of this – give me what I want, and I'll make it worth your while. Not just this time, but all night long."
She brought her hand up and absentmindedly licked at her fingers, which made Jaune swallow nervously. "So, what'll it be?" she asked, though her tone made it clear that she already knew the answer.
Now, Jaune thought of himself as a rational man. He had long since decried those who would sell out for pussy, be that in terms of money or reputation. As far as he was concerned, he was going to cast himself as the anti-simp – he who conquered pussy by not being conquered by pussy.
However, that was before he had been tied up, stripped naked, and nearly been brought to orgasm by a hot older woman who was doing her damnedest to appeal to his biggest fetish. Now, as far as he was concerned, all that earlier shit could go fuck itself. His body – specifically, a certain part of his body – was starting to develop a mind of its own.
That's it, boner, Jaune's brain said to itself. You've gone too far this time. I'm going to have to shut you down.
Nay, good sir! Jaune's boner replied. I am assuming direct control.
You would sell out our friends for some pussy?
Not for some pussy, no. But his isn't 'some' pussy, this is the pussy of a hot, dominant older woman who's into femdom and has us in the perfect position. How many times have we cranked it to this exact scenario? I can promise you that we have lost legions of children to this exact thing. Beacon's shower drain could probably double as its very own sperm bank at this point.
...Okay, point. But you can't do this.
Watch me.
And with that, Jaune's inner war was over. Slowly, he looked up, and again locked eyes with Roma.
"...What do you want to know?" he asked, defeated.
Roma's only response was to smirk.
That night had gone by in a flash. A damned glorious flash, but a flash nonetheless. And true to her word, Roma had let Jaune go completely unharmed once she was done with him. Hell, he'd go so far to say that he ended up even better than when he had gone in – not only was he unharmed, but he had gotten his rocks off and lost his virginity.
And all it had cost him was his friends' deepest secrets.
Needless to say, Jaune had felt like a huge piece of shit when they had welcomed him back with open arms. Of course, he hadn't told them the full extent of what had happened with Roma – how could he? He simply couldn't bring himself to let them know that he had betrayed them. It ate at his soul, but he kept the secret nonetheless.
It was now a few days after his return, and he felt no better – the guilt was all-consuming, feeling like a fire in his chest. His friends, sitting around him at the breakfast table, were none the wiser. They recognized that something was wrong – the fact that he hadn't touched his food was proof of that – but he had merely played it off as him being ashamed that Roma had managed to capture him so easily. They had bought it, of course, which only made him feel even worse.
"So," Ruby began, "anyone else down to have a bit of fun before Oobleck's test tomorrow?"
"You're unbelievable," Weiss chastised. "We should be studying."
"But Weiss-"
"No, Ruby. You need to study."
Ruby pouted, crossing her arms. Weiss rolled her eyes. "Nice try, but the puppy dog eyes aren't going to work. I'm not Yang."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Yang asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, like you don't know. Ruby has you eating out of the palm of her hand."
"Well, she's my little sister. I'm supposed to support her."
"Yang, last night she asked you to tuck her in and read her a bedtime story. I'd accept that if she was eight or nine, but she's fifteen."
"...In my defense, the puppy dog eyes hit different when you're related to her."
Jaune merely sighed. Normally he'd find some kind of solace in a situation like this, maybe interject with some ill-timed comment that was sure to embarrass himself and make things tangibly worse for everyone else, but at the moment, he just couldn't bother. He was too depressed for that. And not the social media kind of depressed where a teenage girl gets rejected by her crush and posts a wall of text on her page along with mountains of crying emojis or the one where Blake gets triggered by the White Fang yet again and ends up writing some edgy poetry, but actual depression, like the chemical imbalance kind – you know, the don't-kill-yourself-you-have-so-much-to-live-for kind. Only this time Jaune couldn't think of anything he had to live for, not when he had betrayed everyone's trust so thoroughly. Not only was he tempted to jump off a building, he was tempted to do a couple of flips on his way down, too – you know, really celebrate the fact that he was killing himself. Maybe live stream it too, he wasn't sure.
And then, just to make things worse, everyone else's scrolls started to ring. Perplexed, they all opened them to find a message awaiting them.
"What's this?" Pyrrha asked. She opened the message, only for her face to flush bright red in embarrassment. "O-oh..." she said, her voice coming out as a mortified squeak.
Jaune simply sighed. He knew exactly what had happened – Roma had made her move. And it was just as petty as he had thought it would be.
"Hey!" Nora shouted. "Which one of you dead bitches sent me this message?!"
"None of us," Blake pointed out. "If it was one of us, it wouldn't be from an unknown number."
"A likely story, but unfortunately for you, there's a major flaw – only two people in the entire world knows that I like the lady on the syrup bottle in a sexual way, and I hate to break it to you, but you're definitely not Ren."
"Well, now we all know," Weiss said, slightly disgusted. "And thank you for sharing that with us, Nora."
"Oh, no need to thank me, since you already knew!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Think about it – who's the only one of us with enough disposable income to afford a burner scroll and the info on our deepest secrets?"
"Pyrrha, actually."
"Oh," Nora said. "Well, I know it's not her."
"What?!"
"Yeah, you really think Pyrrha is capable of something this dastardly? Give me a break – she once cried for fifteen minutes because she had to swat a fly. There's no way she would do something as devious as this."
"Then who?" Ruby wondered. "Which of us would not only know all of these secrets, but also be willing to blab about them to someone?"
That was it – he couldn't take it anymore. The guilt was getting to be too much to bear.
"It was me, damn it!" Jaune announced. "I did it!"
Everyone exchanged a glance. "...You?" Ren asked.
"Yes, me! Roma Torchwick captured me and then interrogated me for this information, which I readily gave to her because she was drop-dead sexy and willing to engage in every fetish I have! I sold you all out for pootie! I'm a reverse prostitute!"
"Well, that answers that," Yang said, shrugging. "How was it, by the way?"
"...What?" Jaune asked. "You're not mad?"
"Dude, it's just kinky shit. We all do it. Who cares if Nora's into the syrup lady, or if I like to have my hair pulled? Hell, the stuff you were getting up to with Roma was probably way freakier than this."
"I'll bet," Blake said, nodding. "My mommy fetish has nothing on her. That woman is smoking."
"...Okay, pause," Jaune said. "First off: mommy fetish? Really?"
"Oh, like you don't have one."
"Not for my own mother, no."
"Well, you haven't seen my mother in-person. If she ever offers, I'm totally down."
Jaune actually shuddered. "Anyway, painful thoughts aside, it was… Gods, I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but it was amazing."
"Well, that's a relief," Weiss said. "At least you'll have that thought to comfort you while you're recovering in the hospital."
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Yeah, Blake, Yang, and Nora might be cool with it, but the rest of us aren't," Ren said, shrugging. "Nothing personal, but I owe you an asskicking after you told her about my love for futa."
"And my love for older men," Ruby added.
Pyrrha hesitated before sighing. "...And my love for yaoi."
"How the hell do you know all this stuff, anyway?" Nora wondered.
"Because you people can't keep your browser histories a secret to save your fucking lives! I've had to borrow all of your scrolls at least once, and every time, you've all had a tab open to some degenerate porn!" Jaune exclaimed.
Yang snickered. "'You're degenerate,' says the guy who's super into femdom."
"It's a very common fetish, I'll have you know!"
"Blondie's got that right," came an all-too-familiar voice from the cafeteria entryway. "Not the girl Blondie, by the way – the other Blondie. He's the one that's got it right."
Immediately, all of them turned to make sure their ears weren't deceiving them. To their amazement, it was none other than Roma Torchwick herself, with Neo there at her side.
"Torchwick!" Ruby spat. "Everyone, quick! Attack pattern alpha!"
Nobody made a move, causing her to glance around in confusion. "What are you doing?! I said alpha!"
"...Which one was alpha, again?" Yang asked. "I can't remember. Is that the one where Blake and Weiss use their semblances to launch me like a missile, or the one where we hold them off while Weiss supercharges one of your sniper rounds?"
"I thought it was the one where Weiss mixes her semblance with my shadow clones," Blake interjected.
Weiss shook her head. "You're both wrong, it's the one where we all hit Yang until she has a sliver of aura left, and I launch her at the target using a glyph, turning her into a makeshift suicide bomber."
"...That's really an attack we made? When did we decide that?"
"Why the hell didn't we just stick with the stupid color-themed names, anyway? They're stupid as hell, but at least they work."
"Why do we even need fancy names in the first place? Seems like it's just an easy way to overcomplicate things. Only Ruby could come up with garbage like this."
"Look, can you kids focus on what's important already?" Roma asked, lighting up a cigar. "We're burning daylight, here."
"Daylight's not the only thing that's burning!" Ruby announced.
She fell silent soon after that, causing everyone to look back at her, confused.
"You, uh, going somewhere with that ominous line?" Nora asked.
"Yes! I just don't know where yet!"
"How about-"
"Oh, wait, I've got it – daylight isn't the only thing that's burning, because my heart is also burning, with the raging fires of justice!"
"Booo!" Yang announced. "Weak, Rubes. You need better material, just like you need better team attack names."
"Don't ruin this for me, Yang!"
Roma groaned. "Okay, for real? This is the group of people who shut down my operation at the docks? What is this, some kind of really shitty comedy story or something? This can't actually be a thing, I refuse to believe it."
"Why are you here, anyway?" Pyrrha asked, glaring at her. "What, revealing our deepest kinks wasn't enough?"
"For one: that wasn't me. Ever hear that phrase about not shooting the messenger? Yeah, I'm the messenger. I didn't reveal anything, I just proved to you all that I knew. If you're going to beat up anyone, beat up the guy who told me – hell, if it's one of you girls doing it, he's probably into it. And anyway, I'm here because I fleshed out a deal with ol' Ozzy Ozbourne up there – my safety in exchange for my cooperation."
All of them exchanged a glance with each other. "...You're lying," Blake announced. "There's no way Ozpin would work with you. What would you even have to offer?"
"...Seriously, Kitty Cat? I know you were once part of the world's most incompetent group of terrorists, but come on, even you can't be that dense. Just because the White Fang collectively ride the short bus, that doesn't mean you have to sprint to the very back of it and get excited about grabbing a window seat. Do you really think I was the mastermind behind all that shit? Nah, I'm just the fall guy. And the only reason I was doing it was because someone had a gun to my head, and not just in a figurative sense." She paused for a moment. "...Well, it wasn't a literal gun, but it was far worse than that, and it was basically against my head."
"So, in that case, what made you change your mind?" Ren asked. "Why come to Beacon when you got away cleanly last time?"
"Simple: because I realized that if I could be bested by a bunch of idiot teenagers, I wasn't long for this world anyway. My 'boss,' to be kind with the use of the term, is very clearly the type to tie up loose ends once she's done with them. If I'm going down anyway, I might as well have some fun before I go."
Jaune exhaled sharply. He had a pretty good idea of where this was going, and honestly, he was a hundred and ten percent down with it. Absolutely sign him the fuck up. Seriously, if this was actually happening, he was totally in – an all-expenses-paid trip to Pound Town, signed by Roma Torchwick herself? And on top of that, she wasn't going to try and fuck with his friends anymore, at least in any kind of way that truly mattered? Yeah, sign him right the fuck up for that.
Roma took a final drag on her cigar before removing the stub, tossing it on the ground, and grinding it beneath her heel. She cast a sultry look over to him as she did so, and he shuddered. His friends were horrified. "Basically, it goes a little something like this: I had a really great time making Blondie over there my bitch the other night. If I'm going to die soon anyway, I'd very much like to keep doing that for however much time I've got left. And who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and actually manage to survive this whole thing – Oz knows about what my 'boss' is planning now, so maybe he'll actually be able to do something about it. I'm not holding my breath, but even if he doesn't… well, I'd say that being turned into a pile of ashes or molten slag is a bit more noble of a death than being impaled by a fuckoff-huge scythe that's wielded by a thirteen-year-old midget on a permanent sugar high."
"Hey!" Ruby protested.
Roma waved her off. "Anyway, if it's not a problem, I'd like to spend some quality time with my boytoy now. You know, enjoying all the fine things that life has to offer before it's curtains for me. So, if you don't mind?"
Jaune definitely didn't mind, that was for damn sure. He rose from his seat, trying to do his best to hide the half-chub in his pants as he made his way to Roma's side. His friends were staring at him in wide-eyed shock, as if they couldn't believe that he had just turned his back on them so easily, but he didn't care – Roma had just spent plenty of time showing how easily she could humiliate people, and he really wanted that to be him right now.
Roma looped an arm around his shoulders as he came close. "Ah, there we go. I missed you, Blondie. Ready for some fun? Actually, don't answer that – I can tell by that tent in your pants that you're more than ready to go."
Jaune swallowed nervously, and her grin widened. She went to lead him away, only to think of something at the last minute.
"Neo, why don't you go hang out with your new friends over there? After all, their old friend is going to be busy for a little while, so someone is going to have to pick up the slack. Just remember to do what Ozzy said and play nice… but not too nice."
Neo grinned a grin that had far too many teeth. Behind her, every one of Jaune's friends blanched.
Roma laughed softly before turning back to him. "Now then, shall we begin?"
That was all he needed to hear.
It had been a few days since Roma had revealed her changed allegiances to the world, and things had gotten complicated and confusing for a variety of reasons. Obviously, there was Roma herself, who despite now ostensibly being on the side of good-ish, was still a complete and total asshole to just about everyone but Jaune. Then there was how his friends were acting, seemingly unsure of how to deal with this new development, like they couldn't believe that Roma had actually changed. Jaune couldn't exactly blame them, of course – before it had actually happened, he would have said that Roma swapping sides would have been about as likely as Yang letting someone cut her hair, Nora not being a spaz, or Pyrrha actually nutting up and confessing her crush to him.
Yes, he knew about that. It was hard not to when she looked like she was about to cry whenever she saw the hickies Roma left on his neck after their nights together.
Anyway, while all of that was indeed complicated and confusing, there was one other aspect that stood head and shoulders above all of that.
"For the last time, Neo – I appreciate the attention, but I am not your new father figure, or older brother figure, or even just a male role model that you can look up to. I barely even know you."
Neo pouted at that. 'You're no fun,' she wrote on her scroll. 'I've spent my entire life without a male figure I could look up to. Do you have any idea what it's like, having to go through life with only Roma to look up to and have guide me? It's a wonder I didn't grow up to be weird and socially awkward with loads of trauma hidden beneath the surface. You hear that, Jaune? I almost grew up to be Ruby. Do you really want to curse me to that fate?'
"That's a good point, but you're already fully grown, even if you kind of look like a loli. So I don't see what the point of me suddenly becoming your male role model would be."
"You heard the man, Neo," Roma said, waving Neo away from her position in the bed next to Jaune. "Run along, now. Why don't you go back to pranking Team RWBY or something? I hear that Weiss girl really, really likes it when people sneak in while she's sleeping and subtly move everything she owns over an inch or two – she really appreciates having her OCD run rampant, all while she doesn't realize what's happening and can't figure out what's slowly but surely driving her completely fucking insane."
Neo huffed. 'I just don't get it,' she wrote. 'I finally have a chance to actually have a father in my life, and you won't let me get close to him.'
"There are several things wrong with that statement, not the least of which is that I'm pretty sure you're older than him, so this is already weird. Also, what the fuck are you talking about, that you want a father in your life? What, was I not good enough for you or something?"
'Well, now that you mention it...'
"Oh, I see how it is. I take you off the streets and raise you to be the sociopath you always wanted to be ever since I caught you watching that movie about the hitman who's dog got killed by the mob, and this is the thanks I get. You know what, just for that, I'm going for round two right now. Feel free to leave us be."
Neo huffed. 'Fine, fine. You're not my real mom, anyway.'
"Of course not – I'm a lot better, considering your real mom left you in a cardboard box on the side of the road like you were an abandoned puppy. But nah, all that time spent raising you myself apparently didn't matter, because now I'm not letting you take me away from my boytoy just so you can do… I'm sorry, what was it you wanted to do, again?"
'Catch,' Neo said, holding up a ball. 'I hear this is what fathers are supposed to do with their kids.'
"Well, then it's a good thing Jaune isn't your father. Like, it's not even close. Also, what the fuck, if you wanted to play catch so bad, why didn't you just ask me? I'm basically your mother."
"Oh, is that the relationship you guys have?" Jaune couldn't help but ask.
"What?" Roma questioned.
"Hey, don't look at me. This entire thing you and Neo have going on is really, really weird. I was honestly afraid that you were grooming her or something."
"That's disgusting, and just for that, I'm going to edge you twice as hard."
"Can you really blame me? Think about it – an old-" he quickly caught himself before making a grave mistake. "A more mature woman, palling around with a younger girl, with very little supervision, and with the two of them basically connected at the hip, to the point where the girl is basically more than willing to fight and die on her behalf? All I'm saying is that if you were a man, Roma, this would be somewhat concerning."
"No, it wouldn't – I'm charismatic and cool enough that nobody would care about any unfortunate implications. And anyway, that's not what's going on, and fuck you for insinuating it."
'Yeah, fuck you, dad.'
"He's not your dad, Neo."
'Well, you call him Daddy, so...'
"No, I don't. In fact, it's the opposite – I make him call me Mommy, thank you very much."
"Can you not reveal our bedroom secrets to other people?" Jaune begged.
"Why not? She already knows you're a complete degenerate. Or did you forget that she was in the room watching the first time we had our fun?"
"You're really not helping your case with those accusations of grooming I threw out. In fact, the only people I've seen handle them worse than you right now are e-celebs, and those people can't do fucking anything right, so that's saying a lot about you. Unfortunately."
"Oh, there's nothing to worry about there," Roma said, waving him off. "Everyone knows that Neo can only get off on causing pain and suffering to other people."
"I'm actually scared to ask how you figured that out."
'I had an orgasm the first time I stabbed someone in the kidneys,' Neo typed. 'I had to leave the operation early and go home in order to change my underwear, then come back. It was super embarrassing.'
"Well, now I'm even more scared," Jaune said. "Are you sure you wanted to play catch with a ball and not someone's severed head or something?"
'I was, until you brought that up as a possibility. Got anyone you want dead, Jaune? Any bullies you want to make disappear? No reason, I just have a few ideas all of a sudden.'
"I'm good, thanks." He paused. "...Actually, there's this guy who tried to get me kicked out of Beacon a few weeks ago..."
'Keep talking, I'm listening.'
"No, no you're not," Roma interjected. "I worked really, really fucking hard to make this 'alliance' with Oz happen, and I'm not letting you jeopardize that."
Again, Neo pouted. 'You never let me do anything fun! First I'm not allowed to play regular catch with Jaune, and now I'm not allowed to play severed head catch with Jaune, or even kill his enemies like I want! What next, am I not allowed to watch DustLeak videos anymore?'
"I'm pretty sure those are blocked on Beacon's wifi, so..."
That seemed to be the breaking point for Neo. Being forced to confront the fact that she couldn't revel in other's people suffering the way she wanted to was apparently too much for her, as she took off crying… silently, of course.
Seeing that, Roma sighed. "Great, now I have to go take care of this." She threw the covers off herself and stood up. "Honestly, much as I love her, she's a real pain in my ass. At least her awkward teenage years are over."
Just how old is she, anyway? Jaune couldn't help but wonder.
"Anyway, sorry, but this is important."
"I get it," Jaune replied. "You have to go make sure she still knows you love her."
"What? No. No, she knows that. This is important because if I don't track her down, she's liable to actually go on a stabbing spree. I'd rather avoid that for obvious reasons, so we're going to have to call a hold on things for now. But I'll be back to edge you to oblivion in a bit, so don't you worry." Roma sighed. "Honestly, it's bad enough that she can't speak, but now she's an emotional wreck..."
"Why don't you just get her a text-to-speech app for her scroll?" Jaune wondered. "I mean, it wouldn't fix the fact that she's about as emotionally stable as Yang whenever she's on her period, but it would do a lot to address the whole mute thing."
Roma looked at him in surprise. "That's… huh. Well, that's a solution. Anyway, I have to go fix this before a whole lot of people end up dead, so I'll see you in a bit, Jaune."
She took off, and somehow, Jaune just knew that he had just unleashed hell on the world somehow. Not in sending Neo away crying, of course – no, something told him that the text-to-speech thing was only going to end in disaster.
As it turned out, introducing Neo to the world of text-to-speech was nothing short of an absolute nightmare.
"Aeiou. Aeiou. Aeiou."
Yang groaned, slamming her face against the table. "Dear Gods, make it stop! I can't take the fucking onslaught of vowels anymore!"
Jaune held himself back from saying that 'onslaught' was certainly a big word for her to use, as well as congratulating her on expanding her vocabulary, mainly because she was right – giving Neo access to text-to-speech had been an unmitigated disaster. Not for him, but for anyone else she wanted to annoy, which at this point was anyone who wasn't him and occasionally Roma. And to make matters worse, nobody could catch her to make her shut the fuck up because of her semblance.
It was just fucking ridiculous. He didn't even know who John Madden was, or why Neo kept spamming his name, but he regretted ever uttering the words text-to-speech to Roma.
"Here comes another Mistralian earthquake. Ebrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbr."
And now Ren was crying, and Nora was pissed. Fucking beautiful.
"Holla holla get dolla."
Gods damn it.
Jaune turned over to Roma, who was currently enjoying what had to be her twelfth cigar of the day. She already smelled like a chimney, and it wasn't even noon yet. "Do you think you could make her tone it down with the text-to-speech?" he asked.
Roma waved him off. "Believe me, I've tried."
"No, you requested that she not use it around us and instead make up for the time she has to be silent by following Team RWBY around and spamming them with it. That's hardly toning it down."
"It is for me, and that's what matters. I'd rather everyone else have to deal with her than me."
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"
Jaune winced at the sound coming out of Neo's scroll, as did everyone else in the cafeteria. Unfortunately, there wasn't much he could do about it, so he decided to do the one thing he could.
"Want to go back to the room?"
Hey, it was an easy way out, but between taking the easy way out and dealing with Neo, he knew which option he'd go for every time.
Text-to-speech wasn't the only problem with Neo, it turned out – she was also a bit of an emotional wreck who also liked to stab things whenever she got upset. Or happy. Or scared. Hell, she just liked to stab people. By this point, she had gone on to stab about eight people, thankfully non-lethally. That wasn't to say there was no damage – Team CRDL and Team CFVY would absolutely have mental and emotional scars to deal with, after all – just that there was no real damage, meaning no damage that Ozpin could get sued over, therefore as far as he was concerned, it wasn't his problem.
Something told Jaune that the headmaster just knew better than to get involved, which he couldn't blame him for. After all, Jaune didn't want to have to deal with Neo, either.
Anyway, it was now night time. Around midnight, to be exact. Normally Jaune would be asleep at this time, except tonight he was awoken by the mysterious feeling of something being absent, namely Roma's ass on his face. Imagine his surprise when he woke up and she – and more importantly, her ass – were both missing.
Now, Jaune liked to think of himself as being at least somewhat smart, at least where his… girlfriend? Friend with benefits? Fuck buddy? Cougar on the prowl? Sure, let's go with that. He liked to think of himself as being at least somewhat smart, at least where his cougar on the prowl was concerned. So when she came back into the dorm just a bit later carrying a comically oversized sack of something on her shoulder, he knew better than to think it was completely innocent.
"What have you got there?" Jaune asked.
Roma seemed surprised to see him up. "Jaune," she greeted. "You're up early. Or late, as the case may be. Not sure. I'll just say that you're up, and that it's surprising to me, because usually you're asleep at this time."
"Usually I have you sitting on my face at this time, which helps lull me to sleep. That's a lot harder to do when you're not here. And don't try to change the subject – I can see that cartoonishly huge bag of likely stolen goods on your shoulder. So, I'll ask again: what have you got there?"
"...Nothing."
Jaune just stared at her. Finally, she sighed. "Alright, alright! It's a bunch of valuables I've stolen from the students and faculty throughout the night."
"But why, Roma? Why would you do that?"
"Because, while I'm not evil anymore, I'm not a goody-two-shoes, either. That and I may or may not be a kleptomaniac."
"You can't be serious."
"Why do you think I became a thief in the first place? It definitely wasn't for the amazing dental coverage and retirement plan, I'll tell you that much. Speaking of retirement plans, did you know that Beacon has a pretty good one? It returns like five-and-a-half percent year over year, with a savings incentive match of three percent, as well as tax-free growth. And on top of that, the contributions aren't reported as income on the employee's tax returns. Now that's a good plan, wouldn't you say?"
Again, Jaune just stared at her. She furrowed her brow. "Damn, usually that works on most of the adults I come across… Why couldn't you be older? It'd be so much easier to get away with stuff if you were, all I'd have to do is dangle something like that in front of your face and your focus would be gone."
"Well, I'm only seventeen, so it's a bit early for me to be worrying about retirement plans."
"You're right. Guess it's plan B, then."
She dropped the sack and began to fiddle with the buttons on her suit jacket, only for Jaune to shake his head.
"That won't work, Roma. You're not getting out of this one."
"Alright, fine! Fine. I stole from Beacon's staff and students, just like I said. You all make it too easy, so how could I ever resist? Seriously, the locks around here are older than I am, all it took was a bobby pin to get into wherever I wanted. You're all lucky I had Neo distracting Goodwitch, otherwise she might have taken the opportunity to Mister Sandman a person or twelve."
That made Jaune raise an eyebrow. "You've got Neo distracting Goodwitch? How on Remnant is she doing that?"
"Trust me, you don't want to know."
"Dear Gods, make it stop!"
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"
Jaune actually shuddered. "Yeah, okay, you're got me there. But seriously, Roma. You can't be doing this. Ozpin's probably got you on thin ice already, do you really want to be pushing him over the edge?"
"Well, why not? My days are numbered anyway. Might as well do what I want before I finally buy the farm."
"Yeah, but that's no need to piss off Ozpin so hard that he kills you sooner. Trust me, you don't want to mess with Ozpin like this. Cardin messed with Ozpin once. Once. Now he checks under his bed and in his closet every night, just in case. And no, you don't want to know."
"...Okay, point taken." Roma sighed. "I just… don't want to compromise who I am, you know? I like being the smarmy thief without a heart of gold who pisses people off, does what she wants, and is completely unapologetic."
"Well, you can still do that."
"I can?"
"Yeah. Think about it – you've already got people out there who hate you and want you dead, right? So why not target them instead? It's not like they can hate you twice as hard as they already do. You might as well actually get something out of it besides just sitting here at Beacon, acting like an asshole and cowering in fear."
Roma stared at him in surprise, looking as if her mind was working a mile a minute. After a few seconds, a sly grin crossed her face.
"Oh, Jaune, I knew I made the right choice when I went with you," she announced. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some planning to do."
Jaune was actually afraid to ask what she had in mind, so he didn't bother. Something told him he didn't want to know, anyway.
As it turned out, he really didn't want to know, because it was even crazier than he could have possibly imagined.
"What do you think, Ozzy?" Roma asked, leaning against the robot with a proud smirk on her face. "Pretty nice, huh?"
Ozpin took a sip of his coffee. "Impressive," he announced. "Very nice."
"Yeah, I know – I'm pretty awesome."
Awesome was an understatement – this was like the tenth Paladin she had managed to steal back in about three days. How she managed to actually find time for it, Jaune didn't know. Beyond that, how she managed to consistently pull it off without getting caught or killed, he… well, he actually had a pretty good idea about that one, because as it turns out, even an entire army of White Fang is no match for one good Neo and Roma driving a single Paladin.
Needless to say, in the span of about three days, the White Fang's presence around Vale had been severely diminished. Roma and Neo had collectively torn their way through most of their forces without even trying, and Roma herself had stolen back a good portion of the Paladins the White Fang had obtained access to thanks to her.
"Well," Ozpin announced, turning to Glynda. "I'd say she's proven her worth. Wouldn't you agree?"
Glynda didn't say anything, probably because the mere thought of having to actually recognize Roma Torchwick as having done good in the world was akin to swallowing a mouthful of poison to her. Instead, she turned to Jaune.
"Good work, Mister Arc."
Roma was flabbergasted. "Oh, come on! I'm the one who did all the work!"
"I beg to differ. If it weren't for Mister Arc, you'd still be firmly on the side of evil."
"Uh, I'd still be firmly on the side of me, thank you very much. I know you Huntsmen and Huntresses have absolutely zero sense of self-preservation, but yours truly actually likes herself, and wants to keep on living while also having a fucking great time. Hence why I'm doing this for you all now. You're welcome, by the way."
Still, Glynda said nothing. Frustrated, Roma through her hands up before marching over to Jaune, then grabbing him by the arm and starting to pull him away.
"Where are we going?" Jaune asked.
"Back to the room," Roma growled. "I'm mad, so I'm going to tie you up and edge you for a while."
"But I didn't do anything."
"Doesn't matter; still mad."
Well, that was that. Looked like he was going to be edged to death again. Oh, the humanity. How horrible for him. F for our boy for getting one of his biggest fetishes to come true, the fucking asshole.
Well, at least it beats having to play catch with Neo, Jaune thought as Roma pulled him into their room and shut the door behind them.
I don't have a whole lot to say about this chapter, aside from this: if you're a writer on this site and you've never given writing Torchwick a shot, you absolutely should, because holy shit, is it a great time. Roman is just such a smarmy asshole about everything that as long as your shit-talking and sarcasm game is on point, you're basically guaranteed to have fun with it. I know I did. The best part is that basically every insult is in-character for him, because even in canon, he's a somewhat politically incorrect asshole who just lives to piss people off. The only character I can think of that's similar is Mercury, and while he has shades of this, he comes off more like an edgy troll than Roman's true asshole who just doesn't care.
Also, more Neo. Her entire presence in this chapter basically stems from me realizing that a text-to-speech app would work wonders for her, and then taking that to its logical conclusion of "What if it was the text-to-speech app from Moonbase Alpha?" That's where all her text-to-speech quotes come from, anyway – from Motdef's old Moonbase Alpha video. And no, I'm not sorry. Anyway, this is likely the last you'll see of Neo in any significant amount – I kind of completely blew my load with her on her own chapter and now this one, and at the moment I really have nothing left for her. Maybe that will change in the future, but for now, I'm not sure.
Now, I'm going to do something a bit unprecedented and actually tell you all ahead of time what the next chapter will be, for a good reason: the next time this fic updates, it will have officially been a year since it started. I know I just did something special for Halloween, however a good buddy of mine (The Almighty Cross) floated the suggestion of doing a sort of special anniversary chapter to celebrate a year of updates, and I thought it was a great idea, along with his suggestion – coming full circle and going back to Blake. Initially, I didn't really think I was ever going to do Blake again, because while her chapter is pretty different from everything else, I was actually happy with it. But I've been thinking about it more and more, and I think I would like to go back to Blake, even if it's just one time – there's a lot I left unmentioned with her, and I think she could use the update. So, I'm pleased to announce that the next update will in fact be the sequel to Blake's chapter. If you're someone who was looking for more stuff related to her, this is for you.
Aside from that, I've got nothing else. See you all in two weeks, where we'll be taking another look at the shittiest of kitties.
Next update: Saturday, November 28.