Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 28: Blake Part 2, Or: The Return of the Cummies
It had been awhile since Jaune had first started dating Blake. In that time, he had learned to get used to some of her more out-there quirks – her sandpaper tongue had taken some adjustment, but he had learned. Same for her daddy fetish, as well as her seemingly endless libido.
But this was something else.
"Okay, let me make sure I'm getting this right," Jaune began. "You want me to put this leash on you and treat you like a pet cat."
"Yes," Blake replied, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
"...Alright, yeah, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised about this."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Only that you're kinkier than an entire BDSM club.
Obviously, he chose to ignore that thought.
"Anyway," he continued, "How is this going to work?"
"Exactly as you said it would – put the leash and collar on me and treat me like a cat."
"Right, but how does a cat act on a leash? I thought that was a thing for dogs."
"It is, but you can also put a leash on a cat."
"Sure, but who the hell takes their cat for a walk? Most people I know who own cats don't even put a collar on them. Granted, that's pretty irresponsible, since cats are so independent-"
"Jaune."
"-Like, what do you do if the cat gets lost? Unless it's been chipped, it's sort of gone forever at that point."
"Jaune."
"Just seems like a really dumb move, you know."
"Jaune!" Finally, he noticed that she was trying to get his attention, and fell silent. "Look, can you just do this for me, please?"
"Well, of course. I'd do anything for you, Blake. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this one."
She rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'll spell it out for you: I'm into a lot of stuff."
Obviously – last night she'd asked him to tie her up, blindfold and gag her, and be as rough as he possibly could with her. He had felt weird doing it, but she had loved it. Granted, she usually loved anything the two of them did, likely because she was a complete coomer and/or borderline nymphomaniac, but he wasn't going to complain if she wasn't.
But the point was that Blake was into some really weird shit, and while Jaune was all too happy to oblige most of it, he had his limits. At the very least, he wanted to understand the appeal. Hence their current predicament.
"So, this is called petplay," Blake explained. "Basically, you're going to treat me like an animal."
"Okay, wait," Jaune said. "Time out."
"What's the problem?"
"I'm just surprised you're into this."
"How so?"
"...Actually, I'm not sure I should say."
"You realize you just dug yourself into a hole, right? Because now I'm just going to assume the worst about whatever it is you're thinking. I'm going to sit there, thinking about what you're thinking about and not receiving an answer, and that's going to make me very, very bitter, because I'm likely going to come to some absolutely asinine and completely incorrect conclusion. It's going to eat away at me and cause me an undending amount of mental anguish until I finally confront you with it. Then we're going to have a fight, the relationship is going to end up teetering on a knife's edge, but it's okay because we'll realize we still love each other. And then we'll break into a round of very passionate make-up sex, which will end in you asserting your dominance over me by fucking me senseless and making me call you Daddy, probably while treating me very, very roughly, just the way I like it."
Jaune was dumbstruck. "...How much thought have you put into this scenario, exactly?"
"It's one of many. This is what I do in my spare time, since my books have gone missing."
That was at least partially his fault, he had to admit – Jaune loved Blake, but having her constantly shoving books into his face for 'inspiration' on what incredibly kinky thing she wanted to do next got old really fast. Honestly, at this point he just wanted standard PiV sex, where they both took it slow, looked into each other's eyes, kissed a lot, and said they loved each other. But no, apparently Blake was too good for that, she wouldn't accept anything if it didn't involve some kind of domination on either of their parts.
Whether that was because she was incredibly kinky or just a lazy lover, he had no idea. Of course, he couldn't complain too much, but he sometimes wished that she contributed more to the act of sex than just lying there and taking it like a dead fish. And to think that she had gone from being a switch to being a complete sub.
The only thing fishier than her performance in bed is her breath.
But that was beside the point.
Looking back at his girlfriend, Jaune shook that thought from his mind. "I'm just… you know, confused as to why you of all people are into something like this. It seems a little..."
"Intense?"
"Degrading. I mean, you're the first person to go off on a huge tirade whenever someone tries to treat a Faunus like an animal, and yet here you are, begging me to treat you like an animal."
"Oh, that's obvious," she said. "It's because whenever someone claims to hate something, they actually just want to fuck that thing."
"...I'm sorry, what?"
"Oh, you've never heard of this? Yeah, it's pretty common. Do you have any idea how many anti-Faunus activists are secretly into Faunus? It's a fucking lot, Jaune. They make up most of the audience for the Faunus porn genre, if analytics are anything to go by."
"That's… huh."
"Yeah, I know. It's the same with people who are super, super anti-gay – guarantee that most of them are off getting topped in a truck stop bathroom somewhere in their free time. Hell, even the White Fang isn't immune – do you have any idea how popular that one picture of Weiss in a swimsuit is in the White Fang camp?"
"This is actually getting a bit uncomfortable to think about now."
"You have no idea, Jaune. I'm talking men and women alike, they all had a thing for Weiss. I think it's because she has no chest – flat is justice, after all."
"Can we not bring our friends or their incredibly flat chests into this, please? I'd rather not be reminded of the fact that I completely botched asking her out."
"It's for the best, I suppose – I do appreciate not having to compete with Weiss for a date. Sex, on the other hand…"
Oh Gods, here we go.
"How would you feel about a threesome with Weiss, Jaune?" Blake asked, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
"I don't want it," he replied.
Blake raised an eyebrow. "Really? But I thought all guys were interested in threesomes."
"Not this guy. You're the only one for me."
"That's sweet of you. But I really think you should reconsider."
"...Are you telling me that you want to fuck Weiss?"
"Of course not. I'm just imploring you to think of the possibilities. Imagine it – you hitting me from behind, while I make out with Weiss, and she waits for her turn to ride the Arc Express for a bit – a favor from a friend, to her friend and her boyfriend. A once-in-a-lifetime fantasy for all three of us, never to be repeated or spoken of again. We get lost in the moment, things get a bit too heated, and suddenly my mouth is a bit further south than we ever intended for it to be. Weiss is confused at first, but she quickly loses herself to the throes of passion as my tongue begins to go to work." Blake paused. "...Excuse me, I think I need to write this down."
Jaune groaned. Great, that was another one for the smut journal. He wasn't even keeping track anymore, mainly because that fucking thing was incredibly cursed and he didn't want to get within five feet of it, but last he remembered, Blake had successfully managed to conjure up fantasies with most of their friends and a few people he didn't even know all that well.
Jaune wasn't sure who 'Ilia' was, but for some reason, she tended to get the short end of the stick in these fantasies. He honestly felt bad for her – she was clearly into Blake, but for some reason Blake didn't realize that, instead always setting her up with Jaune in these fantasies of hers.
"Can you please not ship me with anyone else this time?" Jaune asked.
"It's not shipping," Blake insisted as she wrote in her journal. "This would just be a one-time thing. There would be no real feelings between you and the other girl."
"See, that's easy for you to say, but sex generally implies feelings of some kind. Hence why I only want to have it with you."
"But that's silly. You're young, this is your chance to spread your wings and go nuts. Literally."
"Which I am, every night I'm with you. That's all I really want."
"We've had this conversation before."
"We have, and I suspect it's going to go the same way – I'm going to insist that you're the only one for me, and you're going to keep pressing me to have a threesome with another girl before I finally decide to take your mind off of it by indulging you in whatever incredibly questionable fetish you decided to introduce to me that night." He paused as understanding suddenly dawned on him. "...Oh, you're good."
Blake smirked as she finished writing. "If you must know, I am serious about the threesome, though. Name the girl, and I'll make it happen."
"Okay, here it is – Blake, and Blake. There, girl named."
"Jaune, you know my shadow clones don't work like that. Which is unfortunate, because otherwise it would have made masturbation so much easier."
"Is that really still masturbation, though?"
"I don't see why not."
"Well, it's technically another person-"
"Who's me. Don't try to change the subject, by the way."
"Damn it, I tried," he lamented. Finally, he shook his head. "Look, I'll give it to you straight; I don't want a threesome. I don't want an open relationship, even though you didn't even bring that up. I'm not interested in cheating on you with someone else, even if it's just one time and you approve. You're the only girl for me."
"Good, because I'm not into any of those things."
"Then why do you keep trying to press me into sleeping with another woman?"
"Because it'd be incredibly hot."
"Blake, if you're so into the idea of sleeping with another woman, then-"
"I'm not, though."
That actually made him pause. "...I'm sorry, what?"
"I'm not, though," she repeated. "You make it sound like I'm bi. I'm really not. I like men and that's it."
"But you keep talking about how you'd like to have a threesome with another woman."
"Yeah, so?"
"You literally just explained an entire contrived situation in story form of how your mouth would end up on Weiss' vagina. Last night you literally said, and I quote, 'Yang is so hot, I just want to eat her ass like groceries.' Sounds pretty bi to me."
"First off: It's not gay if it's in a three way, just like it's not gay if the balls don't touch or it's a feminine penis."
"That's shitposting logic, Blake. It's totally gay even if the balls don't touch and even if it's a feminine penis."
"Not by my rules, it's not. Otherwise it'd be gay if the clits touched, too."
"Which it is."
"Not if it's in a three-way, as I already explained."
Normally he'd point out that this was circular reasoning, but his head was already spinning, so he chose not to out of fear of making it worse.
This was the problem of arguing with Blake about things like this – she was such an expert on all things kinky that she was guaranteed to win. It didn't matter if she did it by getting him so hot and bothered that he conceded the argument just to let off some steam, or if she managed to get him so flustered that he ended the argument early just to stop talking about the subject, or if she just managed to confuse him in some way – she generally always won. Dragging him down to her level and beating him with experience, as it were.
"Anyway," Blake continued, "I don't even really want to eat a girl out."
"But you just said you'd eat Weiss out, plus that bit about Yang's ass last night," Juane pointed out. "And not only that, two days ago you said that you wanted that girl from Haven to pin you down, then park her pussy on your face until you drowned in her juices. That sounds like you wanted to eat her out to me."
"No, see, you don't understand – first off, that would also happen in a three-way, so it still wouldn't be gay, or even bi. But anyway, it's not like I want to do these things, they're just things that would naturally happen in the course of the three-way. Like I would get so horny that I would lose myself in the passion, and then start thinking to myself, 'You know, I'm not gay or even bi, like I'm not into women at all, but I've always wondered what it would be like to 69 with another girl while my boyfriend fucks my ass. Even if I'm not gay, or even attracted to women, there's just something incredibly hot about two women exploring their bodies in that way – something about how they're doing something that's super taboo, and how they're both so horny that even though neither one is gay or even bi, they're more than willing to throw caution to the wind and eat some pussy just because they really, really want to get off, and this is the quickest and easiest way to do it.'"
Jaune was actually stunned into silence. He truly did not know what to say to that.
"Think of it like this," Blake reasoned. "It's like, you're at a buffet, and you're already pretty satisfied with the sausage you have, right? But then there's that nice-looking roast beef over there, and you think to yourself, 'You know, I'm not that hungry because I've got this big sausage in my mouth, and I'm not even a fan of roast beef really, but that's a good looking roast beef. I think I'll give it a taste.' So you do, and you find that the simple act of trying the roast beef, which is something you're not supposed to like, is so out-there and wild that it completely pushes you over the edge, and even though you didn't like roast beef before this and will almost certainly never try it again afterwards, you can't help but just go to town on it in the moment, just this once, just to see what the fuss is."
Jaune stared at her in open-mouthed shock. He tried once, then twice, to find the proper words to respond, and failed miserably. Finally, he shook his head and said the one thing he could think of.
"Okay, I'm going to do this petplay thing for you, and in exchange, you're going to stop watching porn for the next week, because you have a fucking problem – emphasis on the 'fucking.' Deal?"
Blake's grin widened. "Yes, Master. I've been a bad, bad kitty cat. I think I need to be punished."
Jaune sighed, even as he slipped the collar around his girlfriend's neck.
The things I do for love…
It had been several days since the petplay incident, and things… had actually been somewhat tame ever since then. Hell, Blake hadn't asked for anything super-kinky ever since then, which was totally out-of-character for her. Generally she was asking for him to burn her with hot candle wax or pin her down and throatfuck her until she could barely breathe, but nah, there had been none of that recently.
Of course, that just made him suspicious.
She was definitely planning something big, that much was for certain. And he knew it was big because the only reason she would have given him this brief moment of respite was because she wanted to spring something huge on him out of nowhere and make it hard for him to refuse without feeling like a total prick, because she had been kind enough to give him a break for a few weeks, so he felt like he had to oblige her. That was the only explanation that made any kind of sense – he knew Blake far too well to think that she would end her degenerate ways so suddenly and without any word of warning.
She wanted something from him, and the really scary thing was that he had no idea what it could possibly be.
"Jaune?"
Pyrrha's voice took him out of his thought. Jaune shook himself out of his stupor before looking her way. "Yes, Pyrrha?"
"Everything alright? You seem distracted."
See, that was a hard question to answer. The problem with telling Pyrrha about the problems with dating this RWBY girl was that she was a girl, and as any guy knows, girls talk to each other. A lot. They're terrible at keeping secrets, especially when it's something sensitive about their man. The last time he had complained to Pyrrha about Blake being too rough with him in bed, Blake had somehow learned about it, and in retaliation, she had decided to play at being the dom that night.
Of course, that only lasted for about as long as it took Blake to realize that she was little more than a total bottom, but still. That night, and the few that came before it, were more than enough for him.
With all that in mind, Jaune shook his head. "Nah, everything's fine, Pyrrha."
"Really? Because you still seem pretty distracted about something."
"Ah, leave the man alone, Pyrrha," Nora playfully chimed in. "He's probably just exhausted from having to deal with the missus."
"We're not married," Jaune pointed out.
"Not yet, but with the way you two are going at it, she'll have you putting a ring on it soon enough. You're basically her new favorite dick."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, don't sound so offended – her favorite dick was only ever going to be a toss-up between you and her favorite dildo. I'd include her ex in there somewhere, but something tells me that wouldn't be worth the time it takes to say his name."
"But it was clearly worth the time to point that out rather than just act like he doesn't exist," Ren pointed out.
Nora waved him off. "Obviously, it's important that I get to make jokes. I am the comic relief of this team, much like Yang is the comic relief of Team RWBY."
"Who died and made you the comic relief?"
"Your parents. Zing!"
She punched Ren in the shoulder playfully, but he didn't seem amused. In fact, he actually seemed on the verge of tears. It was clear that much like a Rumblr user who hadn't had their ridiculous pronouns of Princess/Princessself validated, he was getting triggered. That meant that Jaune was going to have to step in and defuse the situation by making an ass of himself, lest they all have to deal with a sad Ren.
"Actually, yes, it is a problem with the missus," he said.
"Knew it!" Nora said, pumping her fist in victory. "So, how bad is it?"
"I don't know."
"Ouch. If it's Blake, that means it's probably pretty bad. You might want to go figure it out sooner rather than later."
"See, on a certain level I understand the rationale behind that, but I'm still too terrified to actually do it. I'm afraid she's going to ask to be on top again. Bottom Blake is bad enough, but top Blake? No, thank you. Being tied up a handful of times was more than enough for me."
"But, of course, waiting is just going to make things worse. Because then she gets to pick the time to spring it on you and there's nothing you can do about it."
"I don't think there's much he can do about it anyway," Pyrrha pointed out.
Nora shrugged. "You're probably right, but it's like getting a root canal or telling Weiss that you used all her expensive military-grade Lightning Dust to refill your sex toy's batteries – you might as well get it over with, because putting it off isn't going to help lessen the pain at all."
"...Is that really why Weiss was so mad at you last week?" Pyrrha asked.
"Yup. But it was worth it – I was vibin' like crazy. You should try it sometime – stealing Weiss' Dust, that is. I'm not into lezzing out, sorry."
"Neither am I, since I'm not Blake."
"No, you guys don't get it, she's totally not bisexual," Jaune explained, doing his best to sound sarcastic. "Now, that being said, if a girl's naked vagina just so happened to land on her face, she wouldn't say no. But nah, it's not gay."
"Why do you date this girl?" Ren asked. "Do the two of you even have anything in common?"
"...She likes sucking my dick and I like getting my dick sucked. Do I need anything else?"
"Fair enough, I guess. Enjoy your fling while it lasts."
Jaune had a response for that, but it was lost in the sense of panic that overcame him when the cafeteria doors came swinging open and his girlfriend sauntered in, moved over to their table, and took a seat in his lap.
"Good morning to you too, Blake," he began.
She blinked, looked him in the eyes, and then said the scariest words anyone had ever said to him.
"My parents are coming to Beacon and want to meet you. I say we get freaky."
At that moment, all he could think of was that he was glad his weapon was a sword and not a gun, because otherwise he absolutely would have tried to shoot himself in the face right there. Instead, he decided to shoot himself in the foot by opening his mouth and saying something dumb.
"No, Blake."
"I knew you would say that, but this isn't something you can weasel yourself out of. I already told them you'd be there."
"Oh, obviously. But we're not getting freaky while they're here."
"Why not? It'd be super hot."
"Because I've seen pictures of your dad, and he's built like a very large tree. A very large tree that's probably very overprotective of his daughter, and who can snap blonde teenagers in half like their limbs are made out of crispy breadsticks. Despite my sudden, all-encompassing, overwhelming urge to shoot myself, I like to think that I'm not actually suicidal, so I'm obviously not going to do this. There's no way you can convince me to do this, so don't even try."
Her only response was to smirk.
Gods damn it, I can't believe she convinced me to do this.
In his defense, how was he supposed to know that she had managed to contact his older sister and get those old images she had of him playing dress-up when he was like four? That was like the last thing he expected.
Well, maybe not the absolute last thing he expected – no, that was more like this entire situation.
"Why are we even doing this?" Jaune asked. "I thought you had a big fight with your parents like five years ago and ran off, never to speak with them again."
"Dad's father sense went off and he suspected that I might have gotten a boyfriend, so he decided to reach out to me once more," Blake said, as there was nothing weird about that sentence at all.
"...Okay, I have several questions."
"Can they wait until the end? They'll be here any minute."
Reluctantly, Jaune decided not to ask them right now, because ultimately they weren't important. What was important was that this meeting was going to start at any minute. Him and Blake were already at the meeting place – a small Vytalian restaurant next to the harbor – so now it was just a matter of waiting for Ghira and Kali to show up.
Oh, and also hoping that Blake didn't get too freaky with him under the table. Couldn't forget that.
Saphron can go fuck herself for holding on to those pictures. I'm going to have words with Mom about not burning them ten years ago the next time I see her, I swear to the Gods.
But that would have to wait, because the door to the restaurant opened up, and for the first time, Jaune saw the harbingers of his doom.
They both looked… well, strikingly similar to Blake, especially Kali, who seriously just looked like Blake with shorter hair and a few decades on her. They both looked amazing, though – Ghira was indeed built like a very large tree, whereas Kali simply looked excellent for her age.
Next to him, Blake's gaze softened. "Mother, Father."
"Blake!" they both said, rushing over to embrace her. "Oh, it's been so long!" said Ghira.
"Scroll calls and texts have nothing on getting to see you in-person," Kali added. "How have you been?"
"I've been… busy," Blake cautiously said. "But I'd rather not get too into it – you know most of the details already, anyway. Instead, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Jaune. Say hi, Jaune."
"Hello, Mister and Missus Belladonna," Jaune said, standing up and offering a hand.
Kali waved him off. "Oh, you're too kind. Ghira and Kali will do." She accepted his hand and briefly shook before letting Ghira take it.
Jaune wasn't sure what he expected – maybe a handshake that instantly shattered every bone in his hand, crippling him and ending his Huntsman career before it even began. What he got certainly wasn't that, though – it was firm, sure, but it was relatively light, all things considered.
It was almost like Ghira actually didn't hate him for plowing his daughter in every hole over and over again, but that was ridiculous. He had read enough of Blake's shitty romance novels to know that a girl's father was always overprotective, while her mother was always supportive. Even if it made no sense, that would be the case. Jaune could literally follow Blake to the ends of Remnant specifically to make sure she was okay after suffering a huge tragedy, coming face-to-face with her ex again, and losing all her friends, and Ghira would still irrationally hate him, because that was what fathers did to boys who slept with their teenage daughters, assuming they didn't just decide to make some grass grow, so to speak.
Anyway, he pushed those thoughts from his mind as they all took a seat at the table, hoping beyond hope that he was actually wrong even though he knew he wasn't, because if the world didn't run on shitty cliches, then was it really a world worth living in?
"So, Jaune," Kali began, "tell us about yourself. Since you're dating our daughter, we'd like to get to know you a bit more."
Well, that was certainly a surprise – he was half expecting Ghira to go on an absolute berserker roid rage the instant that Kali brought that up. Instead, Ghira seemed… very, very placid. It was actually freaking him out.
"Uh, sure," Jaune said hesitantly. "Well, I'm also training to be a Huntsman at Beacon. My team and Blake's team are really good friends – that's how we met, actually. During initiation, we ended up working together. Even since, we've been pretty inseparable."
"Oh, but that's school stuff," Kali said. "What about outside of that? What is your family like?"
"Mom," Blake gently chastised.
"What? Is it so wrong that I want to make sure his family treats him right?"
"No, but that's not why you're asking."
"Blake, honey," Ghira began. "we just want to make sure he's not-"
"Dad, for the tenth time, he's nothing like Adam. For one, he actually has a family – and yes, it's a good one. For another, he's not a complete edgelord. He doesn't even use a katana or like the color red."
"You know, I'm okay answering that," Jaune said. "To tell you the truth, my family is nothing special. My dad's a Huntsman, but my mom is pretty much just a stay-at-home mom. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, but they didn't really have very many options. That kind of tends to happen when you have eight kids."
"Oh, my," Kali said. "Eight kids? Truly?"
"Yup. And of all of them, I'm the only boy. The other seven are all girls."
"Gods, I can't imagine. You must have one big, happy family."
"It's big and happy until it's time to go the store, I'll tell you that much. Would you believe me if I said that they still make me and Dad carry all the bags, even though there's eight women and two men?"
That earned a chuckle from both Kali and Ghira, which Jaune took as a good sign.
Great work so far, Jaune. Somehow you haven't fucked things up by being your usual incredibly awkward self. Now, if you can just get through this thing without accidentally making any racially insensitive puns, you might just be able to go home alive.
Of course, in his moment of relief, he neglected to consider the one big thing he should have considered. It was the Goliath in the room, the one thing that had the potential to absolutely destroy him no matter how well this meeting with the Belladonnas went.
And that thing, of course, was his own girlfriend.
As Jaune watched the Belladonnas chuckle at his little joke, he felt something – a slight pressure on the inside of his thigh. He only had a moment to wonder about what it could have been before he felt someone start to tug on his zipper. Immediately, he clamped his hand around her wrist, then turned to look at Blake out of the corner of his eye.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
"Making things interesting," she replied.
"Are you crazy? Do you want me to die a horrible death?!"
"They'd never do that to you. My parents are very supportive."
"Only because they don't know the things we get up to!"
"Jaune, they supported me dating Adam Taurus at first. Compared to that, anything you can do is small-time, no matter how weird it is."
She had a point, but despite that, Jaune was still apprehensive – after all, if he learned that his daughter enjoyed being roughly fucked in the ass while she tried to moan out for 'Daddy' to go even harder through the balled-up panties in her mouth, he would be very concerned, as well as disgusted, and on a much more important note, likely homicidal. Shotguns would definitely be involved. So the fact that Blake apparently actually wanted to try and jerk him off with her parents, you know, right there was more than a little concerning to him.
"Blake," Jaune warned, "we are not doing this."
"Doing what?" Kali suddenly asked.
Immediately, Jaune froze, unsure of what to say. "...Um, we're not… going to hang out with Weiss! Yeah, haha, we're not going to hang out with Weiss. See, she gets very lonely – a product of an isolated childhood lived under Jacques Schnee; I'm sure you understand."
"All too well," Ghira growled.
"Yes, well, she's… well, she's a lot like a puppy – always in need of attention. And while I'm usually more than happy to give it to her, I can't right now. You know, because I'm busy, hanging out with my girlfriend and her awesome parents."
In that moment, he again felt Blake reach for his zipper, and this time she actually managed to pull it down a little bit before he caught her. But he still caught her, because much like an actual pet cat, Blake was only stealthy until she actually pounced, and then she was the opposite of stealthy. Also, much like a pet cat, she also really liked his feet for some reason.
Why the fuck does this girl have so many weird fetishes? This is why young girls should only be given classical literature to read – the moment they get their hands on smut, they're doomed to either become huge coomers, Rumblr posters, or – Gods forbid – fan fiction writers.
The mere thought of that last one made him shudder. Truly a fate worse than death, if ever there was one.
Ghira and Kali exchanged a glance with each other. "...Yes, well, be sure to give Weiss lots of attention when you get back to Beacon," Kali implored. 'She seems like a very lonely girl, and while she certainly has to learn to be self-sufficient and not get her self-worth from others, she also needs plenty of love, since it sounds like her father didn't give her much growing up."
"Oh, don't worry about that, Mom," Blake chimed in. "We'll be sure to give Weiss plenty of love. Plenty of love, from Jaune in particular. She'll get so much love that it'll be leaking out of her by the end."
"Oh, well that's fantastic! I'm glad that you both care so much about your friend, especially since she's a Schnee."
Blake gave him a smug look, and it took everything he had to resist sighing deeply right then and there.
Great, now I'm gonna have to talk her out of the threesome all over again. Thank you very much, Missus Belladonna.
This was the curse of trying to be a loyal boyfriend with a degenerate coomer girlfriend, he supposed.
How can I be so sure that my life isn't just one big corruption hentai doujin, and I'm the one getting corrupted? ...Wait, would that make Blake the ugly bastard in this scenario? Is she cucking someone?
He wasn't sure why he thought of Pyrrha in that scenario, but it made him very deeply uncomfortable, so he decided to erase it from his memory.
Unfortunately, in the time it took for him to un-learn that, Blake had finally succeeded in getting his zipper all the way down. Unfortunately for her, she had some other obstacles to go to before her prize was truly free from its cloth prison, namely his two belts.
And to think that Coco made fun of me for my outfit. Girl, if you had to deal with someone as cock-hungry and degenerate as Blake is all the time, you'd wear two belts, too.
And that was honestly light for him. He probably would have invested in a chastity belt, either for him or for his girlfriend, if he hadn't found out that some people were actually into that.
Seriously, why the fuck does there have to be a fetish for everything? I mean, what's next, jerking it to an airshow?
"Mmm..." Ironwood said as he admired his new battleship from afar. "Thirty-six cannons… that's a new record."
"Sir, I have to question the wisdom behind refitting the battleships with more weapons and high explosives just so you can get your rocks off," Winter said from behind him.
"Nonsense, Specialist – what's the worst that can happen? What, are the White Fang going to attack Beacon just as some midget ice cream girl breaks into my ship, kills all my men, sets Roman Torchwick free, and then crashes the ship? Do you really think of me as being that incompetent? Trust me, I know what I'm doing."
Winter didn't say anything, and Ironwood considered that as him having won the argument. Turning back to the viewport, he again focused his gaze on the airship.
"Now then, back to being ambiguously evil..."
Jaune was snapped out of his thoughts by the realization that his girlfriend had now started to fiddle with his belt, which caused him to gently push her hand away all while glaring at her from the corner of his eye.
I swear, the instant we get back to Beacon, she's getting the spray bottle.
"So, Blake," Ghira suddenly said. "Tell us about the rest of your friends. What are they like? Do they treat you well?"
"Yes, Dad, they treat me well," Blake said, rolling her eyes. "We wouldn't be friends otherwise."
"Well, you can't blame me for asking."
"Why? Do you think I have poor judgment when it comes to other people?"
"Well, you did date Adam Taurus..."
"...You know what? That's fair. Anyway, they're all great. Not perfect, but generally they're the best friends I could ask for. Generally."
"That's a pretty big qualifier," Kali pointed out.
"Well, obviously nobody is perfect and they sometimes get on my nerves."
"That's because you're a big introvert, dear. You need to break out of your shell more. Maybe rope them in to doing something fun."
"I know, and that's what I'm trying to do. Unfortunately, it's a bit harder than you might think with some people around."
She glanced at him from the corner of her eye, which was all Jaune needed to realize that she was obviously incredibly salty about not getting her three-way with Weiss… actually, scratch that – with not getting her three-way with any of the other random women she mentioned wanting to eat out from day to day.
Girl, you're so far in the closet, you're finding presents for Non-Descript Winter Holiday.
Then again, he wasn't going to judge – Saphron had hidden her own lesbianism for the longest time before realizing that literally nobody cared if she was gay, so he wasn't going to hold Blake's bisexuality over her head, either. Even if she did get supremely obnoxious with it more often than not.
"Anyway, I keep trying to set something up with Weiss, but there are a few problems," Blake explained.
"Oh? Do tell. Maybe your father and I can help."
"Well, it's sort of contingent on someone else going along with it. And he's someone who has a very good reason for not going along with it."
"Oh, my. That's quite the quandary. What seems to be the problem with him?"
"He's convinced that it will ruin what we have together, for some reason. I keep telling him that he's being ridiculous and that he should just do it, but he won't listen to me."
"Well, it sounds like the best thing to just do it and invite him along anyway. After all, it's better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. I'm assuming you won't do it unless he's involved?"
"Oh, of course – it just wouldn't be the same without him. In fact, if he wasn't there, it actually would ruin what we have, and I don't want that. I just think this would be a really fun thing for the three of us to do together."
By this point, Jaune's brain had basically turned to mush. He was certain that Kali had absolutely no idea what Blake was actually talking about and that she was just trying to be a good mother for her daughter, but that didn't change the fact that she was unknowingly giving Blake advice on how to rope him into a three-way with… hell, who was this with? He wasn't sure. Probably Weiss, given Blake's obsession with her.
Didn't those two hate each other not too long ago? What the fuck is up with this pairing? They're literally polar opposites with nothing in common – hell, they were basically at war with each other until just a few weeks ago. Seriously, who comes up with these ships?
Probably the same guy who liked to jerk it to airshows, but that was neither here nor there. The point was, this was getting out of hand very quickly. Not only did he have to deal with Blake pressuring him to have sex with Weiss, but he also had to deal with Kali unknowingly enabling her, as well as with the thankfully still oblivious Ghira, who was liable to piledrive him into oblivion if he found out what him and Blake got up to behind closed doors. That meant only one thing: It was time for him to use the nuclear option. It was time to get out of here.
It was time to call in Nora.
He had foreseen something like this happening, of course – Blake was someone who had to be kept on a very short leash in general, and not just in the bedroom. Take your eyes off her for even an instant and she was liable to get up to some kind of trouble that would land him in hot water, possibly but not always White Fang-related. So, having figured that he knew his own girlfriend well enough to know that she would do something crazy-yet-kinky like this, he had hashed out a deal with Nora – a one-time offer from her that could be used to get him out of any one Blake-related situation. The price was going to be high, but in this case, it was more than worth it.
Covertly pulling out his scroll beneath the table (and batting away Blake's hand when she again reached for his crotch) he began to type out a message.
J: I'm in need of your services.
It took only a second before the reply came in.
N: That bad, huh?
J: You don't know the half of it. She's trying to jerk me off under the table while her parents are here.
N: Ouch. Guess that means you need me, huh?
J: Unfortunately. I'm calling in my one favor at our agreed-upon price. It's more than worth it.
N: Say the words, boss. You know what to do.
He did. The only question was if it was worth it. After all, there would be a heavy price to be paid by both of them if he called this in. Ultimately, they had both deemed the risks to be worth it, but he wanted to be absolutely sure. This was his one and only get-out-of-jail-free card, and he wanted to know for a fact that not only would the heavy price be worth it, but that it also wouldn't go to waste, as he only got one.
And then, as if the universe itself was answering the question for him, Blake finally succeeded in undoing one of his belts.
That was it, then – no going back now. This had to happen.
J: Push the button, Nora.
N: You got it, chief.
Jaune breathed a heavy sigh as he pocketed his scroll and began to count down on his fingers.
Three. Two. One.
BOOM!
Everyone turned towards the direction of Beacon, where the explosion had come from. They were all astonished to see that where Beacon's tower had once stood, there was instead a river of maple syrup flowing down onto the campus, coating everything in its delicious, sugary goodness.
"Well, would you look at that," Jaune said, doing his best to sound both nonchalant and not happy about this development and failing miserably at it. "It seems that Nora has gone and set off one of per patented syrup nukes again. Well, looks like I'm going to have to call this one short, Blake – it's unfortunate, but you know how it is. Somebody has to go tard wrangle Nora, and we both know it's not going to be Ren or Pyrrha."
Blake narrowed her eyes at him, clearly suspicious, but she didn't get the chance to actually say anything to him before Kali spoke up.
"Yes, yes – this seems very important. After all, we can't have the defenders of humanity be stopped by syrup," Kali said. "You two had best run along and get that under control. Don't worry about ending early – we can always continue this another time."
Hopefully never, Jaune thought to himself. They were good people and all, but them being around him and Blake was a hazard to his health, and he couldn't have that.
"Anyway, it was good to see you, Blake," Kali said, pulling her daughter in for a hug.
"You too, Mom," Blake said.
Despite himself, Jaune couldn't help but feel like this was all really sweet. After all, Blake hadn't seen her parents in years, so knowing that their bond was still incredibly strong was very heartwarming.
Of course, it vanished with the very next thing that Kali said.
"And good luck on getting your man into that three-way with Weiss, dear."
Jaune couldn't help but blanch. "...I'm sorry, what?"
Kali and Blake broke the hug, both of them turning to Jaune with mischievous looks on their faces. "You didn't think we didn't know, did you?" Kali asked. "Who do you think gave Blake those romance novels in the first place?"
"So… the whole time..."
"I'm the one who's responsible for it, yes. And not just that – don't think I wasn't aware of what was going on under the table."
Out of options and suddenly desperate, Jaune looked to Ghira for help. To his dismay, the big man just shrugged.
"Honestly, I'm not a fan," he admitted. "But you're not all bad, Blake seems to like you, and you're not Adam Taurus. As far as I'm concerned, you're more than alright."
Honestly, he was surprised. Surprised and terrified, because apparently Blake's entire family was fucked up. It was saying a lot that Ghira was the only somewhat normal one between them, while Kali and Blake were apparently both equally degenerate.
How come every single family in this world is either fucked up or dead?
Seriously, even his own family was no exception – after all, you could only walk in on your mom sitting on your dad's face so many times before being forced to classify them as fucked-up. It really made him wonder if something was in Remnant's water supply that was simultaneously making everyone as horny as they were retarded.
"Well, this was unexpected," Jaune announced. "Now, if you all don't mind, I'm gonna try to race back to Beacon and find Weiss before Blake does."
"You're welcome to try," Blake said.
So he did.
As it turned out, Jaune's fears were unfounded – Weiss apparently did not want a threesome with them, and was actually disgusted with Blake for bringing it up. Granted, that probably had less to do with the concept of the threesome itself and more to do with the fact that Blake tried to sell it to her by going in-depth on all the ways that Blake could bring her to orgasm, but still. The point was, Weiss had refused, and Blake had been a very sad kitty up until Jaune had decided to cheer her up in the way that only he could.
I mean, I could go in-depth here, but you all get the idea. Dick was involved. I don't think going beyond that is necessary. It's like trying to explain why Neo is best girl – it's pretty self-evident. Explaining it would just be completely needless, not to mention probably get me banned by the dumbass jannies who actually moderate this shithole of a site.
Anyway, after a long night of cheering his depressed girlfriend up, Jaune was finally spent. He fell back onto the sheets, just in time for Blake to lie down next to him, resting her head on his chest. Her eyes were closed, and a faint smile was on her face. She looked extremely content.
So naturally, Jaune had to do what he did best and ruin it one way or another. Not intentionally, mind you; he was just incredibly socially awkward, pretty much borderline autistic, and didn't know how to read the room or talk to girls. It was a wonder that he had even managed to go out with Blake in the first place.
How the hell does this pairing even work, anyway? I don't think we have a whole lot in common.
Truly a question for the ages, but unfortunately, that wasn't important right now. No, there was a much more important question on his mind instead, one that he had been dying to know ever since he had gotten to know Blake more intimately.
"Hey, Blake?"
Next to him, she cracked one eye open. "Yes, Jaune?"
"I have a question."
"Shoot."
"Do you purr?"
She actually seemed surprised. "...What?"
"Do you purr? I mean, since you're a cat Faunus and all."
"What, you think that just because I have the ears, it means I purr?"
"No, I think that because you have the ears, really like fish, have a sandpaper tongue, dislike dogs, and are mysteriously absent whenever someone is running the vacuum cleaner, it means you might purr. And let's not get started on that one time I saw you lick yourself."
"In my defense, you've had plenty of chances to get a taste and I wanted to see what the appeal was."
"Okay, but that doesn't explain how you're so flexible in the first place. Also, don't try to change the subject. I just want to know if-"
"No, I don't purr," Blake said, actually sounding offended. "That'd be ridiculous."
"Oh, okay. I just wanted to be sure."
"Well, now you know, nya."
Jaune stared at her in surprise. To his amazement, she didn't seem to realize that anything was wrong. Stunned, her cleared his throat.
"Yes?" Blake asked.
"Well… you realize that you just nya'd, right?"
"No, I didn't. That's stupid."
"But you did. I totally heard you nya. I've watched enough catgirl hentai with you to recognize a nya when I hear one."
"Jaune, do you think life is a fucking cartoon or something? Just because I'm a catgirl, that doesn't mean I nya."
"So you won't mind if I do this, then."
Before Blake could react, Jaune brought one hand up and began to gently rub her ears. The effect was immediate – her eyes widened and she shuddered, seeming to melt into his touch. Her mouth began to work, only for her to bite her lip to hold herself back from saying anything. Despite that, she couldn't help but lean into his hand even more.
And then it became too much for her.
"N-nya!" Blake finally said, only to quickly clamp both hands over her mouth.
Jaune simply grinned at her, victorious. "Knew it!"
Unfortunately, his victory only lasted for a short while before Blake glared at him, and he knew he fucked up.
"...Uh, sorry," he quickly said. "I didn't mean to cross a line or anything-"
"The only line you crossed was the one where you stopped," Blake declared. "More ear scritches. Now. I demand them."
"...Did it really feel that good?"
"Jaune, it made me nya. Have you ever heard me nya before, aside from post-orgasm bliss just a few seconds ago?"
Well, she had him there. "...Okay, more ear scritches it is, then."
He reached over to do exactly that, but was unprepared for the door to come flying open. Both him and Blake yelped as they grabbed the covers in order to hide their naked bodies from whoever had just burst in, which left them completely defenseless against whoever it was.
And, naturally, whoever it was ended up being the very last person that Jaune would have wanted it to be.
Next to him, Blake's eyes widened. "Adam?!"
Oh, fuck me.
True to her word, it was indeed Adam Taurus, the edgelord himself, in the flesh and just as edgy as Blake had always made him sound. He stood there in the doorway, glaring at the two of them with a hand resting on the hilt of his sword.
"Blake," he said.
"Stay the fuck away from me, Adam! I don't know why you're here, or how you even got here in the first place, but we're through!"
"What makes you think I'm here for you? I'm here for him."
Adam gestured to Jaune with his head, and Jaune tried to do his best to wish himself to turn invisible then and there. Unfortunately, invisibility eluded him, so he was instead reduced to pulling the covers up a bit more. It obviously wouldn't help, especially since the covers on his bed were red, but it was better than nothing, he supposed.
Man, I wish Pyrrha was here right now. Too bad she and everyone else is at girls' night.
Yes, even Ren. Not because he was a girl or anything, but because if he was ever more than thirty feet away from Nora, she would have a panic attack and start spontaneously blowing things up with her grenade launcher. By this point, the bars around Vale had already figured out that even if it was girls' night, they were going to have to give Ren a discount as well, lest they find themselves suddenly out of work because they didn't have explosion or Nora insurance.
"What do you want with Jaune, Adam?" Blake growled.
"Simple," Adam replied. "I've known you've had a new boyfriend for awhile now. I wanted to meet him and have a little chat with him, so to speak. I just hope I'm not too late – the fact that he just made you nya is a very bad sign."
Blake and Jaune exchanged a confused look. "...Okay, what?" Blake asked. "Aren't you going to try and kill him?"
"Kill him? No. Sure, he's a human, but I figure that he's more than made up for it with his suffering."
"Suffering? From what?"
"From dating you, of course."
Blake looked absolutely dumbfounded. Adam turned towards Jaune, his expression going from undefinable to concerned, of all things.
"Brother, tell me you haven't indulged her too much," he asked.
"Okay, hold up," Jaune said. "I don't quite get what's happening here. From the sound of things, you're not here to kill me, despite me being a human, a Huntsman who's already helped to disrupt some of your plans, and the guy who's currently boinking your ex."
"No, I am not here to kill you."
"Then why are you here? Be very specific, otherwise I won't get it."
"Simple: I'm here to stop you from making the same mistake I did. Nobody, whether they're human or Faunus, or ally or enemy, deserves to make the mistake of dating Blake."
"Adam what are you doing?" Blake deadpanned.
"Silence, thot," Adam stated, earning a glare from her. "I know your tricks. You used your perfect ass and insatiable libido to suck in another young patsy. Well, I'll have you know that I'm immune to your charms, and know all about your games. I have ascended beyond my initial love of your ass and have reached a higher plane of existence. You can't break me."
"Okay, seriously, what the fuck is going on?" Jaune wondered aloud. "Why is it such a bad thing if I'm dating Blake?"
"Don't tell me you're actually considering listening to him!" Blake protested.
"Of course not! I just want to know why your insane human-hating racist of an ex is here and is trying to warn me about how bad you apparently are instead of trying to cut my throat. I think I'm entitled to at least know that much, given that under any other circumstances, he'd kill me to death."
"And you're right," Adam answered. "However, I cannot in all good faith let a fellow man suffer by being with Blake the same way I was. Hence why I'm here. Let me ask you something, Jaune-"
"I would honestly rather prefer it if you called me a slur, because hearing my real name come from you is all kinds of weird."
"Have you noticed anything about you that's changed ever since you started dating Blake?"
"...Not really? I mean, I'm generally a lot happier."
"It's fleeting, I assure you. But that isn't the point. There is one key area in which you have changed, I guarantee it."
"And what would that be?"
"Simple: your character."
Jaune was silent for a full minute, trying to convince himself that Adam was just stupid instead of crazy. He failed miserably, and after sixty seconds, decided to respond the only way he could: in confusion.
"...My character?"
"Yes, your character. Haven't you noticed that ever since you began dating Blake, your character has changed dramatically? I know nothing about the old Jaune, but I can guess – the old Jaune was probably a lot more fun and free-spirited, with a great relationship with all his friends. Am I right?"
"...You're not wrong."
"And what of the new Jaune, then? Have you noticed that he seems to be connected at the hip to Blake? That he can't go anywhere without her being there? That his every waking moment is devoted solely to pleasing her, in both a figurative and a sexual sense? No longer are you a free man, Jaune. Instead you have become Blake's boy toy."
"This is stupid," Blake declared. "I'm getting my weapon, and when I do, I'm kicking your ass, Adam."
"Sure, sure," Adam said dismissively. "You aren't the concern right now. Jaune is."
"Don't ignore me!"
"You see, Jaune? Even when we're broken up, she still insists on me being devoted to her. This is your future unless you do what has to be done."
"And what would that be?" Jaune asked.
"Jaune!" Blake protested.
"You know what to do," Adam insisted. "End the pairing, Jaune. For your own good. It must be done."
"This is ridiculous," Blake said, crossing her arms. "Jaune would never even consider this. Right, Jaune?"
Normally, he wouldn't… but as much as he hated to admit it, Adam had a point. Ever since he had started dating Blake, it was as if his entire being had been sucked out, replaced with a demon that was purely devoted to serving her and making her happy. And if what Adam had said was true, this wasn't the first time.
"Tell me more, Adam," Jaune requested.
"What?!" Blake shouted.
"Of course, brother," Adam said, nodding. "We'll start with the first – Ilia. A sweet girl. Gay as hell, but sweet. Of course, that all went out the window the instant she fell for Blake. She went from being her own person to having her entire being revolve completely around Blake. It was as if her entire character had been torn out, replaced instead with more love for Blake. It's awful; the poor thing still hasn't recovered.
"And then there's me, of course. Sure, I'll admit to always having been at least a little unhinged, but I used to have nuance. Back then, the White Fang actually stood for something, as did I. But then Blake came and that all changed. Now I'm just your average psycho who likes to hurt people, and the White Fang is just a bunch of useful idiots for someone much bigger than ourselves. And it's all her fault – she sucked the character right out of us."
"This is stupid," Blake declared.
Jaune disagreed – from where he was standing, it made perfect sense. How else could someone explain everything related to Blake, no matter how small that relation was, suddenly turning to shit? The answer was simple: Blake's very being turned everything she came into contact with into shit.
"...At last I truly see," Jaune said, awestruck. "Adam, I hate to admit it, but you're right. You're absolutely right."
Blake's jaw dropped, and Adam smirked. "Excellent," he stated. "I'm glad you see it my way, Jaune. So I trust that you'll do what needs to be done?"
"Yes, I will. I know exactly what needs to be done."
"Good luck to you then, brother. May your path remain brightly lit, your loins remain free of succubi, and your character stay unburdened by shitty writing."
And with that, he was gone, jumping out the window. Jaune watched him go before turning back to Blake, who he noticed now seemed a lot sadder than usual.
"...Jaune?" she asked softly. "You're not… going to break up with me after that, are you?"
Of course, after that bit with Adam, he knew what his answer was going to be.
There was only one way to truly fix Blake's problems, after all.
"How you holding up, Weiss?"
"A-ah!" Weiss gasped out. "T-this is… Gods, why didn't we do this sooner?!"
"Good question. Why is that, Blake?"
Blake, of course, couldn't answer because her mouth was currently busy doing something else that was totally not gay. She did let out a low moan though, which Jaune was pretty sure meant that she was trying to answer despite that. That or it could have been because he had just smacked her ass, he wasn't sure.
Yes, he had agreed to Blake's threesome idea with Weiss, finally. No, he wasn't happy about it… but if he was going to lose any semblance of good writing he had anyway, well, why not enjoy the ride as he slowly slipped into assholedom? As far as he was concerned, if he was going to end up horribly written anyway, he might as well have some fun along the way.
Man, who could have thought that poor writing could ever be this much fun?
Only everyone who actually watches this shitty show, of course.
As always, things got out of hand. Would you believe me if I said I have zero interest in writing smut? Probably an odd thing to say given that these recent chapters have been getting kind of spicy, but seriously, I have zero interest in writing smut. I'm here to make you laugh, not make you fap, you know?
Right, so it's been a year, give or take a few days. We've come full circle – back to Blake. Where do we go from here? Answer: I don't know, but it's gonna be a hell of a ride, because I've still got characters I want to touch on. I'm not completely spent just yet, so I'm gonna keep writing this thing until I either completely run out of jokes or have touched on every character I want to speak about. There are some big ones out there that I have yet to do, and I'm pretty sure you'll all be able to name pretty much all of them because they're actually kind of obvious, plus a few wild card chapters I'd like to do at some point to satisfy my own curiosity. Point is, we're still far from done, so don't be afraid to stick around if you're not quite satisfied just yet, because the big-name characters will be coming up at some point, count on it.
Now then, a quick message of gratitude for all of you: Seriously, guys, thank you all so much. I've mentioned before how I wasn't sure what the reception for this thing would be, but God damn if you all didn't knock it out of the fucking park in terms of support. You all know how to make a guy feel special, that's for sure. Special shout-outs to that dedicated group of you that's been reviewing pretty much every chapter – you know who you are, and let me just say that I really do appreciate the absolute hell out of every one of you. As for everyone else, trust me when I say that you shouldn't feel left out, nor should you feel obligated to review all the time if you don't want to – I read every single review and message I get, and do my best to respond to all of them, and I treasure each and every one. Your guys' support means a whole lot to me, more than I can put into words. It feels really good, knowing that I get to write for you all.
Anyway, I think that's enough of that. I just felt like it was worth celebrating a year of this thing, especially given that I thought I'd get maybe a few chapters into it before you all told me to fuck off for being a garbage writer. Next chapter will return to your regularly scheduled program with… well, something. I'm not sure what it will be just yet. There are a few characters I really should tackle already, but at the same time I want to get some more of those sequels I promised earlier out of the way. We'll see how I feel by then.
Next update: Saturday, December 12. I should be on my Christmas vacation by then, so depending on what's going on that day, I might not be able to upload until later that night. It also might take me a bit longer than usual to respond to any reviews or messages I get. But rest assured, I will be uploading on that day, and I will get around to your reviews and messages as soon as possible.