When Tori got back to her house after stargazing with Jade, she was relieved to see that there were no cars in the driveway other than her family's; everyone from game night had left. She walked quietly through the front part of her house and crept up the stairs, hoping that the floorboards wouldn't creak and wake her parents. She didn't think she'd get in trouble, but she wanted to be alone with her thoughts. So much had happened at the park, and Tori needed time to process everything that she felt.

When Tori finally got to her room, she sighed and closed the door gently behind her, flipping on the light switch. And she nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Trina!" she whisper-yelled. "What the heck are you doing in my room?"

Trina smiled widely, leaning further back in the beanbag chair she was reclined on. "Oh, nothing much, just chilling. Waiting for my little sis to get home. You know, it is my responsibility as your older sister to take care of you."

"No it's not! I'm a high schooler, I can take care of myself just fine."

"Can you? What were you doing out so late? And leaving without telling anyone where you're going? That's not safe, 'lil sis."

"That's none of your business. And it's not like I went to a party or something dangerous, I just went out."

"Went out where?"

"Around the neighborhood."

"Why?"

"To… you know what? I don't have to tell you! Stop sticking your nose in my business."

"But I'm your big–"

"I said stop!" Tori yelled, then clapped her hand over her mouth when she realized how loud she had been. "Can you just leave me be?" she said quieter.

Trina glanced at the wall closest to their parents' room. When she spoke again, it was less babying and more genuinely concerned. "Look Tori, I'm really just trying to be a good sister to you. Mom and dad probably didn't even know you were gone, and someone needs to make sure you're okay."

Tori didn't say anything; she was caught off guard by the sudden shift in Trina's demeanor.

Seeing that Tori wasn't going to respond, Trina continued softly, "I heard you yelling at your friends earlier. I went downstairs to check what was going on and they said you had just stormed out. I tried calling you multiple times, but you didn't answer. Can't you just accept that I was worried about you?"

Tori looked down. She felt bad that she had automatically been annoyed at Trina, rather than realizing that her sister might just be looking out for her. Sometimes Trina had a slightly frustrating way of showing her love, but it was still love nonetheless.

"C'mere, Tori," Trina said, patting the space next to her on the beanbag. "Tell me what's going on."

Tori hesitated. She wasn't sure she wanted to confide in Trina, but she didn't really have anyone else to talk to. The people she had thought were her friends at Hollywood Arts had just shown themselves to be less understanding than Tori had hoped. Trina might not be the best friend, but she was better than nothing.

Tori made her way over to the beanbag chair and fell onto it, then leaned slightly on Trina. Trina put her arm around Tori and held her close. The gesture was comforting, and Tori instantly felt more at ease. Why had she doubted Trina? Throughout her whole life, Trina had always taken care of Tori, just like she said. Sure, she was annoying, but when it came to real problems, Trina was there for her.

"It… it was about Jade," Tori started.

Trina sighed loudly. "Of course it was."

"Hey, you don't get to judge or make sarcastic comments. You said you want to be a good sister, so be a good sister."

"I'm trying to, Tori, but how many times do I have to tell you not to get involved with Jade? See, this is just another example of how she messes things up for you."

"That's not fair. And it wasn't my fault! They were saying a lot of mean things about her."

"Like what?"

"Like… they said she was mean to everyone."

"Which is true."

"Well, I guess, but… they said that the game night was better off without her."

"Wasn't it?"

"Well…"

"Tori, was there anything they said that wasn't true?"

"Not exactly…"

"Then what was wrong with anything they said?"

"It was just mean! It was like gossip. It was like all Jade's friends got together to hate on her."

"Since when are they Jade's friends?"

"What do you mean? They always were."

"Does Jade treat them like friends?"

Tori didn't respond.

"Tori, please don't tell me you yelled at your friends for being honest that Jade is a mean person."

Tori was silent.

Trina put her head in her hands. "Really, Tori? Why are you doing this?"

"What?"

"Why are you jeopardizing your friendships for someone who's literally known for being the meanest person in the school?

Tori started to answer, then she realized she had no good response. Why was she doing that? What was it about Jade that made her keep trying to look past all the bad in hopes of finding some sliver of good? Why couldn't she just stay away from Jade like Trina kept telling her to, and hang out with her other friends instead? Was she really making a mistake?

But then Tori remembered how it had felt to lie on the hill with Jade, stargazing. It had felt real. For the first time since she had come to Hollywood Arts, she had felt like she was really doing something meaningful with someone, rather than just having surface-level interactions during lunch and classes. Tori didn't know why it was different, but there was something special about Jade. There was something about her that kept drawing Tori in, despite the rumors, despite the warnings, and despite Jade's prickliness. There was something amazing in Jade that was worth fighting for.

"You don't have to understand, Trina. Honestly, I don't understand. But I couldn't just let people talk badly about her, and I'm not willing to accept the rumors about her at face value. Now if you'll please get out of my room, I'd like to get some sleep."

Meanwhile, Jade lay on her bed, replaying those moments over and over again in her head. The night had started out so lonely and sad, but at the end, just lying on the hill next to Tori, holding hands… Jade had felt at peace. For the first time since… how long had it been? Jade cast her mind back. It must've been since before she broke up with Beck, maybe even before that. So many things had felt wrong for the past couple weeks, but stargazing with Tori just felt right. Like that was where she was meant to be. Like she could maybe deal with anything that came at her. Maybe.

Lying there on her bed, on top of her comforter, Jade noticed that she was smiling. When was the last time she had smiled? And how was this smile lasting so long? How much longer would it last? At the moment, it felt like the good feeling would go on forever.

Eventually, Jade fell asleep like that, still wearing jeans and a flannel, lying on top of her sheets, thinking about that one beautiful moment. And for the first time in many weeks, she slept soundly, met in the middle of the night by dreams, rather than nightmares.

For the rest of the weekend, Jade was stuck in her head, trying to wade through a sea of confusing, overlapping thoughts. Finally, she took her private notebook out of the locked drawer, pulled out her favorite pen, and poured her head and heart onto the page. That was the only way she could think.

What are you supposed to do when you don't know what to do and you feel lost and you can't find your way and you don't even know if you have a map

When you used to have a map, or at least you thought you did, but then it was yanked out of your hand by the person who you thought would hold you up forever

And then when you begin to recover, you realize that the other pillars holding you up are way weaker than you could have ever imagined

And two years later, you end up alone, with no supports, no map, just stuck in an endless wilderness

And you get so used to being lost that you forget there's another way

But then

Someone shows up

With a light

And you realize

That your journey doesn't have to be hopeless and messy

And that there are still maps out there

Except

Re-learning that there are maps

Just reminds you of the map you used to have, that you lost

And the person who tore it away from you

And crumbled your foundations

So that's how the light

Just reminds you

How broken

You are

How can you learn to trust

When every single time

You poured out your heart

It was pummeled until it broke?

How can you let her in

When the last two

Who promised to be true

Hurt you the most?

How can you say out loud

That you are broken

And less than imperfect

And haunted by the past

When you can't even

Admit it to yourself?

How can you put those words

Out into the universe

For someone else to hear

When even writing them down

In a private notebook

Is so terrifying

That you want to rip out the page

And shred it into bits?

How can you be the person you wish you were

When there are constant reminders

Of the monster you used to be?

And the backstabber who created the monster?

How can you believe in yourself

When you no longer have anyone to believe in you

When your loved ones have turned their backs

And left you all alone?

Why do you think that you deserve love?

Or trust?

Or joy?

Why should anyone care about you

When you, who knows yourself the best,

Already know

Just how messed up

You are.

how do you admit

that you might care about someone

when you're too afraid to open up?

when you know you don't deserve them?

when they're a saint and you're a monster?

when everyone loves them and despises you?

and how do you go on?

what do you do when you can't stop thinking about someone but you know that you'll never be good enough for them

and they know it too

and what if that one good night under the stars was just a fluke

and when they see you in broad daylight

they'll just realize how big of a mistake they made

ever sitting by your side

i don't deserve her friendship.

if i let her in, we'll both get hurt.

A/N: I know, I know, I really want it to stay sweet and happy for a whole chapter, but Jade is just too much of a storm cloud right now and keeps getting in the way! Such intense mixed feelings from that one. Well, anyways, hope you enjoyed it! (Also, if anyone has any better idea for the name of this chapter, it would be GREATLY appreciated because normally I'm able to come up with a name that I feel like represents the chapter, but this one was a struggle, and I'm not the biggest fan of just "After.") Starting in like a month I should be able to post a bit more regularly again, so hopefully there won't be any more multi-month waits. Thanks for reading!