Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 29: Nora, or: Nora's Arc, Now With Extra Paranoia
Jaune had known when he started dating Nora that it would be a struggle. It was so obvious that it was almost stupid – Nora was incredibly hyperactive and difficult to control even on her good days, and him and Pyrrha basically relied on Ren to help keep her on as tight a leash as possible. From the moment she had expressed interest in him, he knew that she would look to him to be her rock instead of Ren, which meant a lot of responsibility.
Essentially, Nora was a lot like a beagle – very nice and affectionate, sure, but also a hell of a handful for anyone who was going to be involved with her.
"Jaune, wake up!"
And apparently, also like a beagle, she saw nothing wrong with waking him up early in the morning for some bullshit.
Maybe that was a bit harsh of him to say, but it was also true – most of what Nora brought to his attention was bullshit of the highest order. He loved her, don't get him wrong, but she was… well, she was just kind of completely crazy. Unfortunately, it wasn't Blake crazy where you could just ignore it until she went away, nor was it Ruby crazy where you could distract her with candy and soda. No, Nora's special brand of crazy was completely impossible to control.
With a groan, Jaune sat up, wiping the sleep from his eyes as he yawned. "Nora…? What time is it?"
"Exactly 4:13 in the morning," she announced, like nothing was wrong.
"4:13…? Don't we have class in the morning?"
"We do, which is why it's important that I wake you up now."
With another groan, Jaune stopped rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He looked over to where his girlfriend was standing over his bed, which of course meant that he got a face full of her surprisingly ample chest contained in that tight T-shirt she wore to bed.
Then again, he supposed it was fitting that the girl who loved pancakes about as much as she loved him would grow up to be the very definition of a short stack.
"Alright, I'm up," Jaune managed to get out, yawning in the process. "What's the problem?"
"What's the problem?" Nora echoed. "What isn't the problem, more like? Everything's wrong, Jaune! It's all completely fucked!"
"Okay, calm down. I'm sure we can work out… um… whatever is wrong."
Obviously, this was new. Nora was a lot of things, but a doomer generally wasn't one of them. In fact, she was usually the second most optimistic and upbeat person in Beacon, second only to Ruby, and he was pretty sure that Ruby had some kind of condition that made her incredibly happy all the time. That or she was just on a permanent sugar high… which honestly seemed more likely given that Nora was the same way, and unlike Ruby, she was just weird, not autistic.
Man, it really shows what I think about my friends when the first thing I think of one of them is that she might be autistic. And not in the genuinely sympathetic and tragic way, but instead the internet way – the one where you draw really fucked-up porn and post it for others to see.
But enough about Ruby's not-so-secret hobby of drawing sexualized guns, there were more important things to talk about now.
"That's the thing," Nora said, interrupting his thoughts. "I don't think there is a way to fix this, Jaune. We're all doomed. Doomed, I say!"
"Again, calm down," Jaune said. "Look, why don't you explain to me what the problem is? Because I'm kind of lost."
"Certainly."
Nora moved over to the nearby desk, switching on the light. For a moment, Jaune was thankful that Ren and Pyrrha had started sleeping in RWBY's dorm in order to give the two of them some privacy, but that thankfulness died when he saw what Nora had apparently been up to while he was sleeping.
Good Gods, I think I might be dating a paranoid schizophrenic.
That was the first thing that came to mind when he saw an entire side of the wall plastered in newspaper clippings, each of which were connected by pins and red string. Sticky notes covered each clipping, with various scribbles scrawled across them. It honestly looked like something out of an old spy movie… or, like he had previously mentioned, something out of your average schizophrenic's room.
I didn't know I was dating the guy who made TempleOS.
On an unrelated note, I miss you so much, Terry. The world's just not the same without you running over glow-in-the-dark CIA agents with your car.
Anyway, the point was, Jaune was now officially spooked. These were uncharted waters – sure, Nora had always been at least a little crazy, but she had never been this crazy before. And Jaune had no idea how to react. However, he did know Nora, so he had a pretty good idea of how she expected him to react.
"...Okay, I'll bite, Nora. What the hell is this?"
"This is the truth, Jaune," she said, moving in front of her wall of crazy and stretching out her arms to gesture to it. "I'm close to figuring it all out – the grandest conspiracy Remnant has ever seen."
Jaune looked past her at one of the newspaper clippings. "...What does the lady on the syrup bottle have to do with a conspiracy? I thought she was just the woman you liked to masturbate to."
"You knew about that?!"
"Nora, you take an empty syrup bottle into the shower with you, and you stay in there for like thirty minutes every time. I get that I'm not the most astute man, but even I know what it means when a girl goes into the shower for a half hour. Also, not to be a dick or anything, but if you want to get off, you can just come to me. I honestly don't care if you need the syrup bottle or not."
"...Well, that being said-"
"No, seriously, I do not care. I've seen enough shit on the DustNet to know that if this is the weirdest thing you're into, that I'm more than okay with it."
"...Well, that's good to know, but we're getting off-topic. I've figured out the truth, Jaune, and the syrup bottle lady is just a small piece of the puzzle. You see, it's simple-"
Something told Jaune that it actually wasn't simple at all.
"-The syrup lady is all part of a plot to do something to the syrup throughout Remnant. She's been insidiously designed to be as attractive as humanly possible in order to incentivize more people to buy syrup."
"Okay, let me just stop you there," Jaune began. "Not only is the syrup lady actually not all that attractive-"
"To you, maybe."
"-But who the hell buys food products based on the packaging? Like, I could get it if it made the food look more appetizing, but come on, the mascot being attractive? What next, are you going to tell me that furries purposely buy extra sugary cereal because it has a fucking buff tiger on the cover?"
"Someone is, I'm sure."
"Yes, but you're talking like this is widespread, and it's just ridiculous. Speaking of, why would anyone want to convince people to buy more syrup? It's not like pancakes are a staple part of the human diet to anyone but you."
"Ah, but that's where you're wrong. You see, there is also a conspiracy to get people addicted to pancakes via mixing in trace amounts of cocaine into pancake batter. And what goes along with pancakes? That's right, syrup."
"Why would anyone even want to do this, anyway? Explain to me why someone would go to all the trouble of getting people to eat more syrup. What do you think they're doing to the syrup that's so insidious?"
"That's the thing, I'm not sure," Nora said cautiously. "All I know is that it can't be good for the rest of us. Messing with syrup is never a good thing, after all."
Unless it was her asking him to mix his jizz in with her syrup at breakfast. He didn't actually do it because that was fucking nasty, but it was funny how she was willing to make an exception to her rule for him. Not that he was going to tell her that.
Actually, fuck that, maybe pointing that out will snap her out of whatever frenzy she's worked herself into.
"See, you say that messing with syrup is never a good thing, but you've asked me to mix my nut in with your syrup multiple times."
"Yeah, but that's different. I do that because your nut is sterile and I like the taste. Whatever they're doing to mess with the syrup is sinister."
"Sinister in the same way you thought those plastic tips on the end of shoelaces are sinister?"
"Uh, they're called aglets, excuse you, and they're part of the conspiracy too, as well as the Vale Scouts, the secret thirty-third flavor of ice cream, and the magic bullet that killed the last king of Vale."
"Wow, that's actually quite something, Nora. Say, here's a conspiracy theory for you that you might like: I think that there's actually a secret queen of all Grimm who's actually immortal. She's been working from the shadows to take down all of Remnant for reasons that still aren't completely clear, and the only reason she's failed at it so far is that she's completely and utterly incompetent. She's being opposed by an equally secret cabal of people who, in addition to being just as clandestine as her, are also just as incompetent and stupid. Oh, and for good measure, they're being run by Ozpin. Sound about right?"
"Fuck no, that'd be colossally retarded. At least my insane conspiracy theories actually make sense."
"Your insane conspiracy theories involve syrup and shoelaces."
"Yeah, and they make sense if you read my wall of paranoia like I've been asking you to."
"When did you set this all up, anyway? It wasn't here when we went to bed."
"Oh, I only get like two hours of sleep a night because the sugar rush keeps me awake. You're lucky I'm so small and you're so big, because if it was the other way around, I'd absolutely dominate you in bed. But I can't do that now because it would look really funny, and there's nothing funny about sex when you're actually having it."
"Post-nut clarity can be funny depending on what you were jerking it to."
"Well, sure, but when I'm in the process of taking cock, I'd prefer to have my tongue hanging out and my eyes rolled back in my head rather than laughing my ass off. Also, don't try to change the subject, Jaune."
Damn, it almost worked, too. Guess it's time for Plan B.
"Nora, I'll cut you a deal," Jaune began. "If you drop this whole conspiracy angle and don't bring it up for like another week, I'll do whatever you want me to do in bed."
"That's a really dangerous ultimatum, Jaune," she warned. "You're lucky I'm not super degenerate. If I was someone like Coco or Yang, you'd be regretting that offer right about now."
"I'm actually scared to ask about what you think either of them would do."
"Well, Coco is gay and a fashionista, so whatever she did to you, it probably wouldn't be all that enjoyable for either one of you. And Yang… well, you think I get carried away sometimes? Imagine that, but with almost a foot of height on me. Talk about trying to ride a bucking bronco."
Now that was certainly a thought. Nora could be a handful, but it was kept in check by the fact that she was basically a midget. Yang would be something else.
Good thing I'm not into her in the slightest.
And to think that people tried to pair them together at the start just because they were both blonde. Talk about a forced shipping.
"Anyway," Jaune continued, "bad idea or not, my offer still stands. If you drop this conspiracy theory angle, I will let you do anything you want to do to me in bed."
"Oh, sick – we can finally do that syrup enema I wanted to try."
"On second thought, I will let you do almost anything you want to do to me in bed. I have my limits, after all."
"Kill all my fun, why don't you?"
"Look, just because you have a really weird thing for pancakes, that doesn't mean I do, too. Also, can we talk about that pancake thing for a moment? Because I've been dating you for a few months now and I still don't think I get it."
"Because I've never explained it to you, because you've never asked."
Well, that figured, he supposed. "Okay, then. Care to explain?"
"Sure, even though it's obvious that the only reason you're pushing this now is because you both don't want to listen to me rant about conspiracy theories anymore and because you're now very worried about getting syrup in your asshole."
No, he didn't care that he was being incredibly obvious. Anything that got her to deviate from those two choices was only a good thing, as far as he was concerned.
"Well, since you now seem to care so much," Nora began, "I guess I'll give you the whole story. So it all started when that little town Ren and I are from was besieged by Grimm and burned to the ground."
"Sorry to hear that, Nora."
"You kidding? I'm not sorry at all. That place was a shithole, filled with all kinds of terrible people who made fun of me for being an orphan. They called me all sorts of awful names, such as No-Parents Girl and Sally Sally No Parents and Little Orphan Annie and Emerald Sustrai. It was a terrible existence. I ate a lot of trash just to survive."
"...Clearly, I've unintentionally brought up some bad memories."
"Yes, you have. You should feel bad."
"Sorry."
"Accepted. Anyway, Kuroyuri burned to the ground, and Ren and I escaped. We made our way through miles of treacherous forest, filled with all sorts of terrors such as Grimm and… well, I guess it was mainly just Grimm. But there were a lot. Somehow we didn't get eaten despite being two completely untrained shitkids who had no business wandering through Grimm-infested forests, especially given that Ren's parents actually were trained and they still got completely fucked."
"Uh..."
"This entire backstory is inconsistent, is what I'm saying. I'm pretty sure the only reason we survived was that we had the power of the Gods and anime on our side – the Gods because obviously, and anime because this kind of terrible writing could only come from anime. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed that this entire world is basically one big shitty anime plot? Fucking weird, right?"
By now, Jaune's head was spinning, so he decided to just nod and go along with it. Nora didn't go on rants very often, but when she did, she definitely made them count, that was for damn sure.
"So, we got through the forests and finally came across a town, where I fit right in because I had already lived on the streets for my entire life, but Ren needed some adjustment because he was used to creature comforts such as actually having parents, a roof over his head, and not having to eat old hot dogs out of the trash. You ever eat a half-eaten hot dog covered in day-old relish and ketchup? It's not exactly appetizing, I'll tell you that much, but it's marginally better than starving."
"What does this have to do with pancakes?"
"I was getting to that, be patient. Anyway, eventually we managed to make some money by gathering up old recycling and turning it into the town's recycling plant. Don't ask why a small town had a recycling plant; this story is weird enough already, and I don't want to think about that."
"Message received."
"So yeah, we got a few bucks out of recycling and then spent it on real food at the local breakfast place. I ordered pancakes because they sounded good, and let me tell you, when you've spent your entire life eating old trash, pancakes are like an orgasm in your mouth. Anyway, that's my backstory, so can we have sex now?"
Jaune blinked. "Just like that?"
"Hey, thinking about pancakes made me horny and hungry. I say we do it and then get breakfast."
"It's like three in the morning."
"Then you'd better keep me busy for three hours or so, otherwise you're going to have a problem. Sound good?"
Most people would consider that arrangement to be absolutely fucking crazy. Luckily for Nora, Jaune liked crazy.
"Yeah, okay," he said, shrugging. "I'll get the con-"
"You kidding? We can't use condoms – they're made out of rubber."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Rubber repels electricity, duh."
Oh, great – she was breaking out the Lighting Dust. He hated the Lightning Dust. Unfortunately, he had promised that he would do anything, so he was stuck.
"Alright, fine," he said, sighing. "Let's do it."
They did, and it was… well, it was shocking, to say the least.
I'll be here all week.
The next few days were thankfully very conspiracy-free. Jaune was delighted by the fact that he had managed to get Nora somewhat under control, even though it had cost him many electric jolts straight to his nipples in order to accomplish that. But as far as he was concerned, it was more than worth it to ensure that he didn't have to hear about how General Ironwood was secretly powering Atlas with a magic wand or some shit.
Seriously, where does she come up with this stuff? Maybe it's all the sugar she eats giving her delusions or something.
Currently, they were all in the cafeteria, which likely meant that something stupid was about to happen, because it seemed like nothing interesting was ever allowed to happen without it being in the cafeteria. Just last week, Blake's parents had come in and proclaimed something about meeting her new boyfriend, only to be very surprised at how nobody here fit the bill. Jaune just chalked it up to the flow of time being distorted or something and decided to ignore it, as did everyone else.
Someone tapped him on the shoulder and Jaune didn't even have to turn to see that it was Nora, because she was so small that her hands were the size of a nine-year-old's, so he knew it was her right away.
"Yes, Nora?"
"Eat my pancakes," she urged.
Jaune paused. "...Right here, in front of everyone?"
She slugged him in the shoulder. "Not that pancake, idiot! The actual pancake, like the one on my plate."
"Uh, sure," Jaune said, rubbing his shoulder. "Anyway, why do you want me to eat this? Is there something special about it?"
"Yeah, I made it myself and want someone else to try it."
Immediately, Jaune paused. "...I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not? Don't you like my cooking?"
That was a loaded question, but he did not, in fact, like Nora's cooking. Nora's cooking was legendarily bad throughout Beacon, and for good reason – because it was absolutely horrendous. He had no idea how she had managed to survive this long without knowing how to cook.
Oh wait, yes I do – she had Ren there with her.
Anyway, anyone who thought that girls not being able to cook was cute had obviously never met Nora. It wasn't just that her cooking wasn't good; hell, it wasn't even that it was bad. Rather, it was… weird. Super weird. Depending on the dish she was making, it had all kinds of negative effects, basically debuffs but in real life. And the worst of all were her pancakes – you'd think that for someone who seemed to subsist entirely on a diet of pancakes and syrup that Nora would actually be able to fucking cook them, but you were wrong. Dear Gods, were you wrong.
How bad were Nora's pancakes, you ask? Let's put it this way: Jaune was pretty sure that she had 'learned' how to make them from Sietchze, because the last time he had eaten one of them, it had induced ego death, and that wasn't an experience he was keen on trying out any time soon.
Desperate for assistance, Jaune looked over to his friends, only to find that they were all now doing their own things to try and get out of it. Weiss was filing her nails, Blake was reading her book, Ruby was cramming cookies down her throat like a one-woman chocolate chip apocalypse, Yang was desperately trying to keep Ruby from either choking on said cookies or getting diabetes from all the sugar, Pyrrha was looking anywhere but at the two of them and whistling innocently, and Ren had given up all pretenses of subtlety and had taken off running out of the cafeteria.
Fucking traitors.
Especially Ren. You'd think that they'd be there to watch out for each other, what with basically being brothers from other mothers and all, but nope – Ren saw his chance to get rid of Nora and he had taken it. Then again, Ren had recently started turning into an enormous asshole for basically no reason, so maybe this was to be expected.
I knew I couldn't trust a man whose favorite games are the Underage Panty Quest H-Game series.
Obviously – everyone knew that Lonely Onee-San was a much better H-game series. Underage Panty Quest was for plebeians.
"...You know, Nora, I think I'm full," Jaune said.
Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "I think you're lying."
"I'm not."
"You are. And you know how I know? Because you've barely eaten half of your prime rib. Nobody eats just half of a prime rib, Jaune – they always, always eat the whole thing, because it's prime rib. And the fact that yours is half-eaten is very suspicious."
"Yeah, see, the thing is… uh… I think I'm gonna be sick! Oh, shit, my Crohn's disease is acting up! I gotta go to the bathroom!"
Jaune rose to his feet while theatrically clutching his stomach, only for Nora to put a hand on his shoulder as he went to stand up and roughly force him back down into his seat.
"No, no you don't," she chastised.
"I totally do, Nora! I've got Crohn's real bad! I'm gonna shit my pants, I swear!"
"Then you'd better take a bite out of my pancake, unless you want skidmark underwear."
Well, she had him there. Clearly this wasn't going to work. He was going to have to go to Plan B.
Wordlessly, Jaune unsheathed Crocea Mors, then turned the blade towards himself. "Goodbye, everyone. Ruby, I'll say hi to your mom for you."
Ruby actually choked on her cookies, which was the perfect distraction for Jaune to try and actually kill himself. The blade came down towards his heart… only to be surrounded by a black aura at the last second and go flying across the cafeteria, embedding itself into the wall. Stunned, Jaune looked over to Pyrrha, who just grinned sheepishly.
"Sorry!" she said. "I can't just let you kill yourself while there's still a chance I might be able to catch you on the rebound. Please understand."
Well, if there was a chance of that happening, it was gone now, because now there was actually no excuse for him to not eat Nora's pancakes. Nora seemed to understand this, because a smug look crossed her face. Jaune sighed, irritated.
"Just give me the damn fork."
Nora passed him a fork, and he stabbed a piece of pancake and swirled it around in the syrup before bringing it up to his mouth, pausing for just a moment to look back at her.
"For the record, I'm signing you up for cooking lessons after this. And Weiss is paying."
"I beg your pardon?" Weiss asked, sounding absolutely scandalized.
"Don't look at me, you lot are the ones making me eat this. The least you can do is pay to clean up the mess."
"Less talky, more pancake eaty," Nora said.
"Yeah, okay. Here comes the airship, I guess."
Jaune stuck the fork into his mouth and swallowed the chunk of pancake. And for a moment, everything was fine… and then it suddenly wasn't. It was as if his third eye had suddenly opened. He turned to Nora, and said just one thing.
"Nora, I'm suddenly far more interested in these conspiracy theories of yours than I have any right to be. But before we get into that, what's say we try some of the really freaky shit you wanted to try that I never did, but that we can now do since I'm suddenly a lot more open to it?"
Nora pumped her fist in victory. "Fuck yeah, it worked! Girls, take note – if you want your man to be more open with you, all you have to do is make him absolutely trip balls."
"Is this healthy?" Blake asked, concerned.
Nora waved her off. "If the Gods didn't want us to do drugs, they wouldn't have created them in the first place."
"By that logic, the Gods also want us to chug down arsenic, because they put that on the planet, too," Weiss pointed out.
"Details, details. If you don't mind, I'm gonna go get some."
When Jaune woke up the next day, it was to a raging headache and a very sticky ass. It didn't take him long to remember what had happened the night before, and the thought of it made him groan.
Good Gods, why do I do this to myself? Nora is a hazard to my health, I swear.
Honestly, she was lucky she was so cute.
Peeling his ass off the sheets, Jaune sat up in bed and turned, only to find his face inches away fro his girlfriend's. He recoiled backwards with a yelp, then put a hand over his chest.
"Gods, my poor heart! Were you watching me sleep?!"
"I was," Nora replied, like there was nothing wrong with that.
"Why the fuck were you doing that?"
"I thought it was romantic."
"Romantic like a restraining order, maybe. What's the actual reason?"
"I wanted to wait for you to wake up so I could show you what else I've uncovered."
That earned another groan. "Nora, we've been over this. I love you, but I honestly think these conspiracy theories are becoming a problem."
"Yeah, I'll say – they just keep getting more sinister as time goes on."
"Not what I meant. I mean this completely unironically and with only the utmost amount of concern for you, but I think you might actually need some antipsychotics or something. And I don't mean your pancakes."
Nora waved him off. "Yeah, okay. Just take a look at my wall."
Jaune was honestly afraid to; the first time was scary, but something told him this time was going to be even worse. The words 'Pepe Silvia' came to mind, for some reason. Still, there was no way out of this, so he took a look over at the wall anyway.
It was… honestly, it was actually kind of impressive. The entire room, floor and ceiling included, had been completely covered in even more psychotic ramblings than before. Jaune was honestly dumbfounded.
"Okay," he began, "I have several questions, so I'll start with this: how the fuck did you have time to put all this together in one night, and how did you manage to do it without waking me up? I've seen you try to be stealthy and it's more akin to Thor trying to break-and-enter than the footfalls of a kitten, so to speak."
"I'm glad you brought that up, because kittens are actually pretty on-the-nose – it turns out that Blake will do anything for a handful of catnip and some rare hentai. Not only did I manage to get her to put up my insane, pseudo-baseless ramblings, but I also got her to do it while she was naked."
"Was there a reason for that?"
"Yeah, because I can and because I thought it'd be funny. And it was. So yeah, I had Blake do it while I slept, and then I woke up and put the finishing touches on it all. Neat, huh?"
That wasn't the word he'd use to describe it, but he was running out of synonyms for 'schizophrenic', so he was just going to let it slide. "Okay, I suppose that's the major questions answered."
"Yeah, now can I tell you what's going on?"
Fuck it, I'm this far into it already. A little more won't hurt. "Sure, Nora."
"Sweet. Just give me a moment to get into character." She paused to clear her throat. "I've figured it out, Jaune! It all makes sense now! They're putting chemicals in the tree sap that are turning the freakin' Grimm gay!"
Jaune paused, stunned. "...I'm sorry, what?"
"Here, have a look at this!"
She grabbed a handful of photographs off her wall of insanity and shoved them into his hands. Jaune took one look at them before recoiling in disgust.
"Oh, what the fuck!"
"Yeah! Weird, right?"
"Why do you have pictures of an Ursa fucking another Ursa, and where did you even get them?"
"Simple: I knew they were putting chemicals in the tree sap, so I went out there and waited to confirm it. And I did."
"Do I even want to know how you figured out that there are supposedly chemicals in the tree sap that are turning the Grimm gay?"
"Jaune, come on, it's right in front of your eyes – I've got an Ursa fucking another Ursa up the ass, right there on camera!"
"Yeah, but didn't you get this after you figured it all out?"
"Yes."
Alright, his head was spinning with this much circular logic. Then again, perhaps this was one of those Nora things that he was better off just letting run its course.
Actually, fuck that. This bullshit has gone on long enough, it's just getting ridiculous at this point. It ends here.
"Alright, Nora," Jaune said. "I'm going to put a stop to this once and for all. This is going too far."
"Oh? And how do you intend to do that?"
"By doing the one thing every conspiracy theorist truly fears: pointing out their own insecurities, as well as the fact that they're not nearly as important as they like to think they are."
"That's ridiculous. What does any of that have to do with the act of finding the truth?"
"Simple: because you're not actually in it for the truth, you're in it for attention. Deep down, I think you just want to be noticed and have your efforts appreciated. And you know what? I do appreciate them, Nora. I just also wish you weren't so extreme with it. But I still love you."
Nora actually looked somewhat bashful about that, which Jaune took as a good sign – it meant that his complete shot in the dark was actually working, somehow.
Great, now to keep this charade going until I actually pass my charisma roll or something.
"Look, I get it," he continued. "You want to feel important – to feel valued for your efforts, so people actually know you exist. Being the class clown wasn't cutting it for you anymore, and as much as I'm sure you loved the attention you were getting from me once I asked you out, even that had to start feeling numb at some point. Spending all those years as an invisible orphan couldn't have been fun, but that doesn't have to be you anymore, Nora."
"J-Jaune..." she began, her lip quivering.
He wasn't swayed. Quite the contrary, in fact – now that he knew his efforts were working, he knew he had to keep them going.
"I get it," he said. "Feeling valued is important – hell, that's why I came here, to Beacon. But there are better ways to do it than going out and waiting to catch Grimm fucking each other in the ass, somehow. Similarly, you don't have to plaster our room with insane ramblings just to be noticed. Because I notice you, Nora. I notice you, and I love you."
That seemed to do it. Nora finally launched herself at him, and Jaune let out a surprised yelp as he found himself suddenly forced to catch her. Thankfully, he actually managed to do it, and the two of them stood there, holding each other for a bit before Nora spoke.
"...You're right," she admitted. "Gods, what was I thinking? This was all completely insane. I can't believe I thought this would be a good idea."
"Well, we all make mistakes," Jaune carefully said. "That's hardly unique to you – hell, you remember that time Pyrrha tried to ask some poor sap out with a candygram, only for it to end up at Ruby's room by mistake?"
"Heh, yeah," Nora said, though for some reason it was a lot more nervous than usual.
"Yeah, that was a disaster. Ruby felt bad about it, sure, but seriously, Pyrrha must have bought the biggest candygram they had available. She even got the super-kinky version with the edible underwear and cherry-flavored lube. I do feel kind of bad, though – she deserves to be happy."
"Yup. Say, can we change the subject?"
"Sure? I mean-"
"Great. Let's get freaky."
Jaune was surprised. "Just like that? You seemed on the verge of tears earlier."
"Jaune, you of all people ought to know how women's horniness works, what with having eight women in your life and all."
"Sorry, but I don't make a habit of figuring out how my own family's various sexualities work, and I don't intend to start any time soon."
"That's okay, because I'll explain – it's on a spectrum, you see? Like a clock. It goes not horny, happy, sad, afraid, horny, and then not horny, in that order. So the more afraid or sad we are, the hornier we get."
"That makes zero sense."
"Of course it does, why do you think the best date movies are sappy romance movies and horror movies? Nothing gets a girl wetter than those things. We see some sappy romance or some idiot teenagers getting massacred by zombies and it triggers a need to cum, like it flips a switch or something."
"I still don't get it."
"Look, all you need to know is that I'm super horny right now. Do you want to get some?"
Oh, like she even needed to ask. Nora could be a little fucking gremlin at times, but damn it if she also wasn't cute as all hell.
"Sure, so long as your promise me you won't do anything weird with syrup and that you won't make me eat your cooking."
"Deal. Now hurry up and slip me the sausage."
Well, the invitations didn't get more blatant than that.
It was later that night, when both of them were in the midst of their traditional post-coitus cuddle, that their attention was suddenly grabbed away from them by the soothing sounds of someone kicking their door in and pointing guns at them.
"Whoa, what the fuck!" Jaune shouted, raising his hands. Nora was a bit less subtle, but only because she had decided not to go out like a bitch.
"Nora smash!" she shouted as she reached for her hammer.
Unfortunately, whoever had kicked their door in had figured out Nora's one weakness, which was insulators in general. Extra unfortunately, it seemed like the only insulator they had been able to procure on such short notice had been the big bowl of condoms that the staff had placed out in the common area, because only an idiot lets teenagers room together in co-ed dorms and doesn't provide some kind of method to ensure that nobody gets pregnant.
Anyway, Nora quickly found her attempts to fight back hamstrung by having an entire bowl of condoms dumped over her head. The condoms didn't actually do anything because she wasn't using her semblance, but it didn't matter – the nature of her semblance meant that Nora hated insulators based just on principle, so any thoughts of fighting were quickly buried under layers of autistic screeching and angrish as she tried to shake all the rubber off of her.
"REEEEE fucking condoms! Get off of me! Getting fucked by you is like taking a truck tire up the cooch!"
Jaune could have gone his whole life without knowing that, but thankfully he didn't have long to dwell on it, because someone took that exact moment to start choking him out. Normally he'd be more concerned about that, but given that the opening move of this little assault had been to dump a whole bowl of unwrapped condoms on his girlfriend's head, he somehow wasn't too afraid. So instead he just let it happen.
I have no idea who these people are, but they seem very incompetent.
When Jaune awoke, it was to a raging pain in his head. He groaned and went to rub his temples, only to find that his hands had been bound behind his back. Not only that, but he was tied together with someone.
"Jaune?" he heard Nora ask. "You finally awake?"
"Yes, Nora. What the hell happened?"
"I have no idea. One minute you were giving me a nice pep talk and we had just finished banging, and the next we got knocked out and tied up in Ozpin's office."
Ozpin's office?
Looking around, he could see that it actually was Ozpin's office.
I guess that explains the incompetence, then – Ozpin can barely run a lemonade stand, let alone a school. No way would he know how to properly knock someone out.
His musing was interrupted by the chime of an elevator. Ozpin, Glynda, and General Ironwood all strolled in, none of them even bothering to try and conceal their true identities.
Then again, it wouldn't do much good – we kind of know what's going on since we're tied up in his office.
"Alright, what's this about?" Jaune asked.
"My, someone is in a rush," Ozpin observed.
"Dude, I just want to know what crazy thing Nora did to get us in this situation."
"Me?!" Nora protested. "What makes you think I had anything to do with this?!"
"Because I know it wasn't me, meanwhile you and Glynda have had an ongoing rivalry to see if it's possible for the school to be fucked up faster than it can be fixed. I still haven't forgotten about how you roped Blake into using her semblance to flush every toilet in the school at the same time, causing a catastrophic meltdown of the septic system that basically turned the first floor of the entire campus into a sewer, all because you wanted to see if that rumor about the school jumping up about a foot in the air if all the toilets were flushed at the same time was actually true."
"Heh, yeah. Good times."
"How'd you even manage to do that, anyway? Actually, on second thought, don't answer that – something tells me it was catnip and hentai."
"Wow, you know me too well. No wonder we're dating."
Ozpin tapped his foot impatiently. "Are you done?" he asked.
Jaune shrugged as best as he could with both hands tied behind his back. "Sure. Give me my detention and we'll be on our way."
"Ha! As if a mere detention would be enough. No, your punishment must be more severe, Mister Arc."
Jaune was confused. "Geez, that bad, huh? What, did she steal Glynda's granny panties and raise it up the flagpole or something?"
Rage flashed across Goodwitch's face, but thankfully Ozpin silenced her with a wave of his hand. Then, he said the very last thing Jaune expected him to say.
"Worse. She uncovered the truth."
Jaune faltered. "...I'm sorry, could you repeat that? Because it sounded like you said that Nora uncovered the truth."
"She did."
"...Like, the truth? The one plastered on her big wall of schizophrenia? That truth?"
"The very same."
"Ha!" Nora declared. "Fuck you, I was right! Fuck you, I was right! Fuck you, I was right!"
"Yes, you were. And now I'm afraid we're going to have to put you on ice for figuring it out."
"On ice?" Jaune asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes, on ice. It's this amazing new thing Ironwood has invented called carbonite. We're going to encase you in it."
"Won't that kill us?"
"No."
"But we'll be covered in it and unable to breathe."
"It will keep you preserved."
"So we'll be like mummies?"
"That sounds fucking awesome," Nora said. "Count me in, I want to be a mummy! I mean, only as long as I get to be the cool kind of mummy with special powers and not the kind that gets its brain scooped out."
"No, you won't be mummies," Ozpin said.
"Aww..."
"Can you explain a bit more how this is going to work?" Jaune asked. "Because I'm very confused. This seems like some sci-fi bullshit that nobody was supposed to think too hard about because it doesn't matter, but that autists online are going to think about too hard anyway because they're autists."
"That's exactly what it is, and no, I will not be explaining further."
"Then can you at least tell us how Nora was even right in the first place? Because this kind of came out of fucking nowhere, and if I'm going to be on ice for an eternity, I'd at least like to know that the reason for it isn't as batshit as it seems to be."
"No."
Alright, time to play hardball.
"If you don't tell me your plans right now, I'll reveal your deepest secret to Glynda and Ironwood," Jaune threatened.
Ozpin's eyes narrowed. "My deepest secrets would give you nightmares, boy."
Okay, he asked for it.
"Ozpin has a body pillow of Ruby under his desk."
The entire room fell silent for several seconds. Finally, Glynda and Ironwood turned towards Ozpin, who cursed.
"Damn it… how did you know?"
"I didn't, but thanks for the confirmation. I just figured that there was a reason why you let Ruby in two years early, and that it probably had something to do with the corset, the tights, and the kawaii factor. You degenerate."
"Just for that, I'm going to double-dip you in carbonite."
"Cool, but we had a deal. Now unless you want me to take even more shots in the dark, I suggest you start talking."
"Gods damn it… fine. You really want to know the truth, then? Well, here it is: yes, Nora was right about everything. We are, in fact, trying to turn the Grimm gay."
"But why?" Jaune couldn't help but ask. "Why are you trying to turn the Grimm gay?"
"Why wouldn't we?" Ironwood questioned. "Think about it. If the Grimm are gay, they'll become much less intimidating, because it's hard to be afraid of them when you're watching them fuck each other."
"Actually, I don't know about any of you, but that'd scare me."
"No, it wouldn't. It'd be like watching two animals bang at the zoo – it's awkward, funny, and at least one person is going to record it and put it on the internet."
"Okay, sure, but remember that these are creatures of darkness. I'd rather go through the rest of my life without knowing how big their dicks are."
"I didn't even know that the Grimm had dicks," Nora added.
"Oh, they do," Ironwood countered. "Believe me, they do. We checked."
"...You checked?"
"Yes, we checked. We had to make sure that if we turned the Grimm gay, they'd be capable of fucking each other. Otherwise it wouldn't be funny enough."
"...I'm actually afraid to ask how you checked."
"We built a battle robot specifically to scan the Grimm so none of us had to get our hands dirty," Ironwood said. He sounded downright proud of the fact that they had built a robot specifically to do that, which made Jaune shudder. "Of course, her father thinks there was another reason why we built her – something about trying to create an artificial human – but the truth is that we just needed to know if the Grimm had dicks and none of us wanted to check ourselves, because that'd be nasty. I'd ask you not to tell Penny about this, but you'll be frozen soon anyways, so..."
"Wait, Penny is a robot?!"
Ozpin and Glynda gave Ironwood a flat look, and he just shrugged. "Well, not like it matters, since they'll be frozen."
"Okay, fair enough, I suppose," Ozpin said. "Though, do take care not to mention Penny's true nature around Miss Rose – I feel like her knowing the truth would ruin my chances with her."
"That's creepy as fuck, dude," Jaune said.
"Oh, come off it. I would obviously wait until she's legal. I'm not a Discord admin, you know."
"It's still fucking creepy."
"Look, can we move on?" Glynda said, impatient. "This tangent has gone on for too long and we still haven't fully explained the conspiracy."
"Okay, sure, but I have one major question," Jaune said. "Why is it so important that the Grimm be gay? Isn't it enough that they're banging in the first place?"
"Obviously not," Ironwood said, like it was the most self-evident thing in the world. "If you really think about it, two male Beowolves going at it is just an infinitely funnier sight than a male and a female."
"I'm still dumbfounded by the fact that these things actually have genders."
"Oh, they don't – they're all male."
"...Then why did you act like they have two genders?"
"Honestly, I don't know. It feels like I'm just making this up as I go. I just had the robot built, I wasn't in charge of anything else."
"Good thing, too," Ozpin quipped. "Because you're not very tight-lipped about it. You're doing a very good job of revealing all our plans."
"Oh, don't act like you care. As far as you're concerned, none of this actually matters unless it either fails or Ruby finds out and hates you for it."
"...Alright, you've got a point."
"So, wait, there are no female Grimm?" Jaune asked, earning a nod. "...Then where do they come from? Obviously they're reproducing somehow."
"Oh, that's obvious," Nora said. "Clearly, they're being created by a Grimm queen, who's still salty over the loss of her ex. So to compensate she started making the Grimm and giving them dicks, and then banging them to get back at him."
"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, but given that you were right about the last conspiracy which I also thought was the dumbest thing I've ever heard, I'll just assume that you're also right about this one."
Out of the corner of his eye, Jaune noticed Ozpin tug at the collar of his shirt for some reason, though he had no idea why.
"Anyway, it doesn't end with gay Grimm," Ozpin explained. "Past that point, we decided to put the tree sap into syrup, and then serve it to as many people as we possibly can. First to Beacon, and then to Vale."
"But why, Ozpin? What purpose could turning all of Beacon gay possibly have?"
"For one, it would satisfy people's desire for same-sex relationships between all of you, thus increasing the net happiness in the world and making the Grimm less of a threat."
"...People are interested in us having same-sex relationships?"
"Oh, my sweet summer child, you have no idea. Where do you think Beacon gets most of its funding from? It's not from government grants, I'll tell you that – this school hasn't been profitable in decades. No, we get our money from merchandise depicting our students getting it on with each other, and for some reason, the most profitable merch is always whatever is showing same-sex relations between all of you. We're simply taking that to its logical extreme and attempting to pander as best as we can."
Well, that was disturbing to think about.
"What about the people who are already in happy relationships with a member of the opposite sex?" Jaune couldn't help but ask. "Why couldn't you just leverage those relationships, too? Surely there are people who are interested in those."
"You'd be surprised," Ozpin said. "Funnily enough, the only one people were interested in seeing get with the opposite sex is you."
"Me?!"
"Yes, Jaune. Specifically, they wanted to see you get with every female student in Beacon and become the ultimate harem lord."
"What… that's just… fucking why?! The logistics alone are giving me a stroke!"
"I know."
"Like really, do they have any idea how tough it is keeping up with just Nora? And somehow they expect me to throw Ruby and Yang into the mix… are they huffing Dust or something?"
"I wouldn't be surprised at this point," Glynda quipped. "You underestimate the desperation of yuri fans, yaoi fans, and harem fans. They'll shell out the big bucks to see their fantasies come true. Truly, they are all the ultimate simps."
"Miss Goodwitch, you're okay with this, too? I figured you'd be the sole voice of reason."
She shrugged. "Ozpin pays my salary. Also, you kids are all kind of a huge pain in the ass to try and tard wrangle all day. I'm hoping that getting all of you to take some time to bump uglies for a few hours a day will give me some time to myself for once. Cleaning up the various bodily fluids afterwards will be worth it if I can finally fucking relax for once in my miserable life."
"You know, if you hate the job so much, you could always just quit instead of trying to turn the entire student body gay against their wishes."
"And give up my fat pension? Yeah, not happening." She absentmindedly checked her nails. "Sorry Jaune, but if getting you to like taking it up the ass is what it takes for me to keep my paycheck, then that's what I'll do."
Damn, and here he was hoping that she'd be willing to hear him out. Thankfully he wasn't relying on that too hard, because he still had a card to play. It was probably the stupidest card imaginable, but he was also pretty sure that it would work, because it was targeting the single most incompetent person in the room.
"Ozpin," Jaune declared, "you're overlooking one important piece to your master plan. One aspect of it that's so important, that your entire plan is guaranteed to fail based purely on this."
"Oh?" Ozpin replied, sounding as if he couldn't believe Jaune in the slightest. "And what would that be, then?"
"If you succeed in turning the entire student body gay, then Ruby will likely be too busy getting with Weiss to be interested in you. You'll have successfully friendzoned yourself, to be very generous with the term 'friend.' She wouldn't want to date you at all, let alone fuck you."
Silence fell over the room for several seconds. Finally, Ozpin sighed.
"...Damn it, you're right. I knew this plan wouldn't work..."
"Seriously, Ozpin?" Ironwood asked. "We have the logistics of this all set up and ready to go, the testing stage is done and prepared for deployment, we know it will absolutely work… and you're willing to throw it all away for some fifteen-year-old girl who probably thinks you're just a creepy old man?"
"Ruby Rose is not just some fifteen-year-old girl who probably thinks I'm just a creepy old man," Ozpin fired back, rounding on James with a glare. "She is a fifteen-year old girl who probably thinks I'm just a creepy old man, and who is also an incredibly cute gothic lolita with an excellent personality and a heart of pure gold. She is a pure maiden – though obviously not one of the Maidens – and I will not tolerate an unkind word said about her in my presence."
"Ozpin, you're taking this too far. You would give up the surest path to world peace we have, all for her?"
"For his waifu, any man would pay the ultimate price. I don't expect you to understand, since your waifu friendzoned you."
"Oh, snap!" Nora declared. "Ironwood, you gonna take that from the old guy who's lusting after teenage pussy?"
Ironwood's gaze narrowed. "No. No, I don't think I will. Glynda, will you back me up?"
Glynda looked torn. "...On the one hand, Ozpin pays my salary. On the other hand, you're my ex, and I friendzoned you for a reason." She paused. "...Why is this even a question? Ozpin, you have my aid."
"...Damn it, I knew I should have slipped some of the syrup into your morning coffee," Ironwood muttered.
Glynda raised an eyebrow. "What would that have done?"
"I would have had Winter bring you your coffee and the two of you would have started lezzing out after you drank it."
"How would that have helped you in this situation?"
"It wouldn't, but at least I would have died with a pleasant thought in my mind. Now the last thing going through my head is going to be Ozpin lusting after a fifteen-year-old."
"She's in Beacon, that means she's legal," Ozpin countered.
"Who said anything about legal? This age difference is creepy. She's literally old enough to be your granddaughter, and that's just for this body. Hell, you could be a relative of hers, if you think about it. Isn't that a little bit creepy to you?"
Ozpin was silent. James stared at him in disbelief. "...Please do not tell me it only makes it better for you."
"In my defense," Ozpin began, "this kind of thing was a lot more openly accepted back then. I don't expect you all to understand with your modern values."
Jaune dry heaved a bit as the implication hit him. This was getting to be a bit too much for him. Seriously, think about it – he had started the day off intending to get some with his cute but admittedly weird and possibly autistic girlfriend, only to now end up discovering that his headmaster – a man who he had come to trust implicitly – was now attempting to turn him and the rest of the school gay in order to make a profit, and who was also openly lusting after an innocent girl like this was a bad Mistralian doujin. This was the kind of thing that he would normally be convinced could only happen in fiction, but that he knew was absolutely real because even fiction wasn't this retarded.
Anyway, that aside, he now had an avenue of escape, and it thankfully didn't seem like it was going to take much to set these morons off.
"Well, are you all just going to stand there like retards, or are you going to actually-"
That was as far as he got before they went off. In no time at all, the room went from mostly silent to seeming like a war zone. It wasn't to last, however – skilled as he was, Ironwood was up against Ozpinand Glynda, and more importantly, he was Ironwood, and therefore never had a chance in the first place.
In a matter of minutes, he was dead on the floor… but only because Glynda had accidentally landed on his head with her fat ass and squashed it like a pancake.
Note to self: don't bring up that comparison to Nora, because she might actually want to try it.
Ozpin and Glynda stood over James' dead body for a moment before shrugging, then turning back to Jaune and Nora. For a moment, Jaune was afraid that they were going to try to finish what they had started, but thankfully, that wasn't the case – rather, they instead began to set the two of them free.
"Well, I suppose we owe you an apology," Ozpin stated. "I think things got a bit too out of hand."
"Yes, they did," Jaune countered. "Hold that thought."
Ozpin had no time to react before Jaune drew Crocea Mors and rammed it through his chest. The headmaster seemed surprised, but only for a moment before he keeled over, stone cold dead.
"Mister Arc!" Glynda exclaimed. "What are you doing?!"
"I don't know," Jaune said, as honest as possible. "Frankly, I'm too blinded by rage at the fact that he tried to freeze me and my girlfriend alive and also was lusting after a fifteen-year-old to think straight."
"What are you thinking?! Now who will pay my salary and pension?"
"Isn't that your job now?" Nora asked, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, I'm pretty sure you're in charge now that Ozpin is dead. Hell, you could probably give yourself a raise and foist all your paperwork on someone else if you want."
Glynda blinked, the gears in her head beginning to turn. After several seconds, a wide smile crossed her face.
"...I see," she stated. "Well, I suppose the death of a headmaster can't be helped – he was old, after all. It's such a shame about that rare sword disease he suddenly developed."
"Shame indeed," Jaune said, pulling Crocea Mors out of Ozpin's chest cavity and flicking it to clean the blood off. He turned to Nora. "So, how about some breakfast?"
"Oh, you know me too well," she said. "Though I won't be happy unless you nut on my pancakes."
And that was why he liked her – because as crazy as his life could get, he could always trust her to be even crazier.
And fortunately for them both, he kind of liked crazy.
Good Lord, Nora's chapter took about ten times longer than it actually should have. Nora is a surprisingly tough character to write an entire work around – like, she seems simple at first, just reference Ren and pancakes. Then you stop to think about it and realize that not only does fucking everybody do that when writing her and it therefore gets old super fast, but that she's also the kind of character where you can basically do anything with her and have it make sense. That might sound cool at first, but that much freedom is actually intimidating. I had to think long and hard about what I wanted to do for a Nora chapter, because there were so many different places I could take it. Ultimately I decided to really run with Cloudcuckoolander!Nora, because that ended up being both my favorite rendition of her and the one that just worked the best.
Seriously, have you ever tried to make an entire 10,000 word story focused entirely around Ren and pancakes? It fucking sucks, dude. Pancakes aren't funny and I didn't want to do too much with Ren because it kept coming out like love triangle bullshit which I hate.
Anyway, my point is that this has probably been the hardest chapter to write so far, but I think I've finally got it in a state I'm actually somewhat happy with. It only took me, you know, months upon months longer than it should have, because I am a hack fraud, but it's fucking done. I need a drink.
Now, all of that being said, I do really like Nora. How could you not? She ended up being a good time to write for once I settled into a rhythm with her – like I said, she's one of those characters you can do basically anything with and have it make sense, it was just a matter of finding a good foundation to build upon first. Once I had that in place, the rest of the chapter came together pretty smoothly.
...Just don't ask me to do it again, because I don't think I'm capable of putting out two dedicated Nora chapters. Again, easily the hardest chapter to write so far.
Next update: Saturday, December 26.