Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 30: Yang Part 2, or: Return of the Dragon
"Say 'ahh!'"
Jaune couldn't help but sigh. "Yang-"
That was as far as he got before a spoon was jammed into his mouth. Reluctantly, Jaune swallowed the gelatin it held, knowing his girlfriend wouldn't be satisfied until he did.
Now I'm the one doing the swallowing. Oh, how the tables have turned.
Then again, that was probably to be expected, what with his paralysis and all… or rather, it was to be expected, before he had gotten fixed. Turns out that those Atlas cybernetics did wonders. He wasn't quite fully mobile just yet – physical therapy was going to take a bit longer before he was back to where he was pre-accident – but he was at least capable of moving again.
Not that Yang cared, because she was too busy playing nurse, sexy outfit and all. He was surprised that Beacon's hospital team allowed her to dress that skimpily in their ward, but then again, they probably knew better than to try and argue with her after last time. It turned out that Yang's caveman side had started to act up again at seeing him so heavily injured, and had gotten fiercely overprotective of him for a while.
At least it only took a half-dozen broken arms before they figured it out.
'Figured it out' in this case meaning 'We're not going to get anywhere near her unless we pump her full of horse tranquilizer first, now are we going to have to draw straws to see who gets to try that or are we just going to make the interns do it?'
I sure hope those interns are getting paid after all that.
His thoughts were interrupted by the spoon coming back, again containing nothing but green gelatin. For just a moment, he wondered why every hospital on Remnant had the same disgusting food no matter where they were, but only for a bit before he was once again forced to deepthroat the spoon.
Jaune sputtered as the spoon was pulled out of his mouth and Yang began to dab at his face with a napkin.
"Careful, Jaune," she chastised. "Don't make a mess, now."
Oh, that was rich, considering that she was the one who just jammed a piece of metal down his throat. Still, he couldn't be too mad – she already blamed herself plenty for crippling him in the first place, he didn't want to make it worse.
"Well, I think I've had enough," Jaune announced.
Yang frowned. "Jaune, you've barely eaten half of it."
"To tell you the truth, I'm sick of hospital food. I'd prefer something solid, and that also wasn't reheated in a microwave."
"The doctors said-"
"I know, I know. But can you blame me for wanting a steak or a burger right now?"
"Guess not." She shrugged, then brought a hand up to run it through his hair. "Are you comfy, by the way? Nothing hurts, or feels funny?"
Jaune looked up at her from his spot resting on her thighs. Normally he would have complained about Yang forcing him to do something… but in this case, he was willing to make an exception, because when a hot girl offers to let you rest your head in her lap while she strokes your hair and feeds you, you take that offer. Even if the food is nasty hospital food. Hell, probably especially if the food is nasty hospital food – not like there's any other way to make that shit actually fit for human consumption.
Jaune shook his head. "Nah, everything feels fine."
She breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm glad. Don't want to risk aggravating anything."
"You're still mad with yourself about-"
"Jaune, I crippled you. Of course I'm mad at myself for that."
"Well, don't be. I'm moving past it, and you beating yourself up over it doesn't help."
She still seemed hesitant about it, so Jaune did the one thing he knew would snap her out of it: He sat up and gently kissed her. And just like he expected, it both relaxed her and left her flustered.
"No more of that," he stated. "Now, help me out of this hospital bed. I need to stretch my legs for a bit."
Normally she would have refused, because again, she was overprotective… but thankfully, she seemed to understand that he was getting stir-crazy in this fucking hospital bed, so she didn't argue. Instead, she helped him up and let him lean on her shoulder, and together they started out on his usual circuit of the hospital ward.
It sucked that his back had been broken, but it was moments like this that helped lighten the mood enough to make it bearable.
As it turned out, he made progress very quickly. It had taken just a few more weeks before he was clear to be discharged from the hospital. Before he knew it, he was back in class.
And of course, that meant that it was everyone else's turn to dote on him.
"Pyrrha, for the hundredth time, I'm fine," Jaune said.
She seemed disappointed to hear that, but honestly, that girl needed to take the fucking hint. Sure, his spine was now so full of cybernetics that it glowed like the back of Isaac Clarke's suit, but that didn't mean he was incapable of dressing himself, like she seemed to think.
Also, while he didn't say it out loud (because he didn't want to seem ungrateful when she was just trying to help), he really didn't like the idea of a girl going through his underwear drawer and trying to dress him.
...Well, unless that girl was Yang, but then again she didn't frame it as a choice.
They were probably going to have to talk about that at some point. Eventually. You know, when he actually got tired of morning handjobs. So like, when the sun burned out and the universe began to fall to entropy.
"So," Weiss began, "Are we ever actually going to talk about what happened, or…?"
"I already told you what happened," Yang quickly replied, probably a bit too fast.
"Yeah, you said he fell down the stairs."
"B-because he did! Haha, yeah, silly ol' Jaune! Always being so clumsy."
Jaune just sighed. Of course, leave it to Yang to be embarrassed by this. Granted, it made sense – he'd certainly feel shitty if he had crippled her, for example – but still, this excuse was just ridiculous.
Guess that's my fault for not thinking of a better one than that. She really put me on the spot.
In his defense, he had thought that Yang – being her normally unshakable self – would have just owned up to it, maybe worn it like a badge of pride. Something like, 'Yeah, I broke my boyfriend's spine because I loved him too much, what of it?' but apparently that was going too far even for her.
Honestly, Yang was a tough person to figure out. She was fine with breaking his pelvis, but not his spine. She liked to do crazy shit, but she was afraid of people abandoning her, even if said crazy shit was likely to drive people away. She was obviously into boys, yet for some reason she still got weird looks from Blake.
Sorry, girl – this one's mine. Get your own hot blonde.
He was willing to point her in Sun's direction, but that would never work – Sun was too good for her.
Man, I sure hope Sun doesn't turn out to secretly be a huge asshole like two years from now, even though that would absolutely contradict his established character and make him out to be an enormously unlikable douchebag.
He wasn't sure why his mind went there since that would be incredibly stupid and not even the universe itself was capable of making a mistake that big, but this was where his brain went when he was trying his hardest not to focus on Yang's cringe.
Speaking of which, she was apparently still going, so that was great.
"No, I'm telling you, he fell down the stairs," Yang asserted.
"And I'm telling you, nobody breaks their spine falling down stairs," Pyrrha replied.
"They do it they hit the bottom step on the way down."
"Explain to me how that would work when he has aura."
"It's simple, Pyrrha – we were having rough sex before then. Really rough sex. Like, combat sex."
"This is already ridiculous and unbelievable, but do go on, please. Just dig that hole you're in even deeper."
"Anyway," Yang continued. "It was super rough. Like, you haven't lived until you've had a man balls-deep inside of you while you're trying to choke each other out. It was super hot."
Jaune took the opportunity to start bashing his head into the table, hoping it would kill him. Nobody noticed, because they were too busy focusing on Yang's cringe.
Super hot, but she just doesn't know when to quit.
Something, something, blondes being stubborn. Hey, the stereotype made sense – first Yang with this bullshit, then Sun doggedly pursuing Blake even though she was a shit waifu, and finally Glynda continuing to sit around Beacon and clean up after teenagers even though she could probably solo all the Grimm in Vale if she so desired, but apparently she just liked the job security of doing paperwork and occasionally acting as the school's janitor.
Speaking of which, he couldn't help but think back to his girlfriend getting frustrated that his dick wasn't working so good due to being crippled and all, and how she had unleashed a wave of destruction across the school that Glynda had been forced to take care of.
"Who did this? WHO THE FUCK DID THIS?! Who's the slimy little shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed their own death warrant?!"
"Yang want boyfriend penis start working again!"
Yeah, that had been a fun explanation to the headmaster. But honestly, it was pretty funny to see Yang leave behind a path of destruction and then see her run past his hospital room while demanding that Glynda 'clean it up, jannie – for free, of course.'
Needless to say, it had been quite some time since he had written home informing them of what was going on at Beacon, both because he wasn't sure they'd even believe it and because if somehow they did end up believing it, they'd probably pull him out of school for his own safety.
A bit too late for that, I think.
Anyway, where were they? Oh, right – Yang digging herself a deeper hole.
"Like I was saying, we were fucking like rabbits, right? Like, just going at it, constantly wrestling for control on the bed. And then we start choking each other out, yeah? Because rough sex is super hot, and asphyxiation is a part of rough sex. Not that any of you virgins would know, but anyway, yeah, super rough sex. So we end up rolling out of bed and down the hall, and then we end up at the top of the stairs, and Jaune ends up going over the edge, and then he hits his spine on the bottom step and because he lost his aura due to me choking him out with my gorilla strength, he broke his spine on impact. It was super awful, because not only did he end up really hurt, but I also didn't even finish. Talk about a clam jam."
"I think I'm gonna be sick," Ruby said, her face turning green.
Jaune felt sorry for her, he really did. It couldn't have been easy, listening to a beloved family member describe her super-kinky sex life. Even if you knew for a fact that it wasn't true – because only an idiot would take anything Yang was saying right now at face value – it still had to be traumatizing. That would be like Jaune having to listen to his mom describe in detail what her sex life with his dad was like.
Thankfully that will never happen, because as awful as the universe is, it isn't actually ruled by a drunk, degenerate asshole using us all for cheap comedy. Because that would be incredibly stupid.
Anyway, where was he? Ah, right – listening to Yang tunnel herself to Mistral.
"So yeah, he fell down the stairs," Yang declared, crossing her arms.
"...This is utterly ridiculous," Weiss replied.
"Oh, so now you're accusing me of abusing him?"
"I didn't say that. I just think it's awfully strange how Jaune ends up paralyzed, and then you're suddenly very overprotective of him, and anybody who questions why is immediately shut down by you. One might say it's a little controlling of you."
"I'm not controlling! Tell her, Jaune!"
Now this was what they called a trap, one that Yang probably didn't intend to set – either he sides with her and makes things worse for his friends, or he sides with his friends and makes things worse for her. It was definitely the worst sort of quandary. Thankfully, he had an app for that.
"Nobody be alarmed, but I can suddenly no longer feel my legs," Jaune said.
Immediately, Yang was at his side. "Jaune? Jaune?! Speak to me! Is everything okay?!"
"Uh, yeah. I just can't feel my-"
"Oh Gods, he's paralyzed all over again! Someone go get a medic!"
Uh oh. "No really, I think it's just asleep-"
"Stay with me!" Yang sobbed, pulling him into a hug and burying his face into her cleavage. "Don't go into the light, Jaune!"
He could only sigh.
Predictably, he ended up back in the hospital after that. Even more predictably, the doctors hadn't found anything wrong with him, even though Yang insisted that they be very thorough and check everywhere. Like, everywhere.
Thankfully my speech skill came in handy, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to avoid that prostate exam.
Anyway, he was now in his hospital bed, staring up at the ceiling. Yang was right next to him, resting her head on his chest. It was really nice, actually – sure, she was absolutely fucking insane, but she was insane for him, which was kind of hot. Worrying, yes, but also hot.
This is what I get for being into anime. Should have known it wouldn't work out like it did in my favorite series.
Unfortunately, we can't all be super-powerful harem lords, Jaune least of all. And to think he used to dream about destroying all the Grimm with his overpowered semblance and getting a ton of girls chasing after him. But that was just it – a dream. Nobody would be dumb enough to think anyone would be capable of that, least of all him.
His musing was interrupted by Yang's scroll starting to ring. In a tired daze, she pulled herself off of his chest and let out a yawn before reaching for her scroll, only for her expression to plummet when she saw who it was. She cast a worried glance over at him, but unfortunately, it seemed like this was one of those calls she couldn't avoid. He only had a brief instant to wonder about who it could have possibly been before she answered the scroll.
"Hey, Dad."
Jaune cursed under his breath, knowing his time on this world had just gotten dramatically shorter.
"Hey, Yang," her father greeted. "How are things going?"
"Good!" she said, a little too enthusiastically. "They're going good, Dad! Heh, yup, just good. Really, really good."
"Oh, well that's… good, I guess. Uh, where's Ruby?"
"Oh, she's back in the room! You know her – probably eating cookies in bed or making out with her partner again!"
"...Making out with her-"
"That's right, her partner! Who she's totally, super gay for! They're probably swapping spit right now! I'm definitely telling the truth and not trying to take the heat off of myself by making things up, no sir!"
Jaune actually facepalmed. Yang had never been the best liar, but even she had to know that this was bad. Then again, she tended to lose all sense of control whenever she got nervous, so it wasn't much of a surprise.
"...Well, good for her," came the response from the other end of the scroll. "Honestly, I was a little worried she'd never find someone – you know how she is, always super awkward."
"Heh, yeah. Turns out she's a real horndog, you know? I hear her and her partner getting it on every-"
"Ew, ew! I don't need to know that!"
"...Sorry."
"...It's fine." There was a pause. "...Well, at least it's not a boy. I'd have to give them both The Talk otherwise."
Oh Gods, I can hear the capital letters in that statement. This is totally not good.
"Heh, right," Yang said. She nervously tugged on her collar. "So, what are you calling for? Did Zwei get lost in the mail again?"
"No, thank the Gods – for once, the VUPS actually delivered him to the same spot… roughly. They missed us by a few houses. But at least he actually got here this time. But anyway, that's not why I'm calling. I'm calling because there's something we need to talk about, young lady."
Both of them froze at that, their gazes meeting. The two of them knew what those last two words meant – they were the kinds of words a father used only when he knew that one of his daughters had fucked up, likely by hiding something from him.
And in this case, despite his easygoing tone, they promised nothing but death and suffering for Jaune.
"W-what would that be?" Yang asked, swallowing nervously.
"A little birdie tells me that you've been spending an awful lot of time around a little scraggly blonde guy."
"...Well, he's a good friend-"
"So good that you share the same bed together?"
"...Yes."
The comment hung in the air for a few seconds. For just a moment, Jaune thought that maybe it had worked, and that he wasn't going to die. It disappeared when her father let out a heavy sigh. In that moment, Jaune knew that the sand in his hourglass had started to run low.
"Look, I'm on my way to Beacon. I just want to talk with him, trust me."
And like that, the line went dead. For a moment, there was silence.
And then, pandemonium.
"I'm dead!" Jaune cried, jumping out of bed as fast as his semi-crippled state would allow. "Get me the hell out of here!"
"Wait, wait!" Yang said. "There's a way out of this!"
"There is?! What could we possibly do to get out of this?! I'm gonna die, and you're gonna be grounded until you're fifty!"
"No, trust me! I have an idea – a crazy idea! But it's crazy enough to work!"
Well, he had nothing else to fall back on, so he might as well. "...Okay. Okay, yeah, let's hear it. I sure hope it's-"
"You need to get me pregnant."
His brain short-circuited. "...I'm sorry, what?"
"Get me pregnant," Yang declared. "Like, right now. It'll be easy – just sit back and let me ride you for all you're worth."
She began to undo her jacket, and Jaune was tempted to reach out and stop her, but he knew that would never work – she would just interpret his hand getting so close to her breast as foreplay, and then he would truly be fucked, and not just in the literal sense.
"This is crazy," he declared.
"Yes, it is," she replied. "But like I said, it's crazy enough to work."
"Work? Work?! How the fuck is this going to work?! It'll just make things worse!"
"No, it won't. Bear with me on this – so, you'll get me pregnant, right? It should be easy, because I'm ovulating right now and I've been off my birth control since last night because you were back in the hospital and I didn't want to risk breaking your back again by banging."
"That's a bit too much information, but-"
"Let me finish! Anyway, you'll get me pregnant. Then, when Dad gets here, I'll tell him I'm pregnant. He'll be so happy that he's getting a grandkid that he'll be overwhelmed with joy, and he'll forget that he wanted to kill you. I figure that we can make it to at least the baby shower off of that. Anyway, that should give you more than enough time to book a flight out to Vacuo."
"Why Vacuo?"
"Because who in their right mind goes to live in Vacuo? It's nothing but sand and rocks – not even the Grimm fuck with that place. Nobody actually wants to live in Vacuo."
"Then wouldn't he know that's where I'd go?"
"No, because nobody wants to live in Vacuo, not even really desperate people avoiding the wrath of an angry father – those guys go to Mistral with the rest of the people who abandon everything they love and run away like cowards. Uh, no offense."
"Some taken. But anyway, how the hell is this supposed to work?"
"Very well, that's how. You go out to Vacuo, where you'll make a modest living working as a farmer selling slightly used camels."
"Slightly used?"
"Only used to plant roadside IEDs once or twice. Anyway, you'll sell slightly used camels for a living. Once Dad realizes that he's been had, that's when I'll make my move – I'll slip some of my rohypnol into his morning coffee, and he'll be out like a light. From there I'll make my escape."
"...Why do you have rohypnol? Isn't that the rape drug?"
"Jaune, focus on the important questions," she urged.
"Okay, and what are those?"
"What are we gonna name it?"
"...What, the kid?"
"No, my left breast. Yes, the kid! We've gotta come up with a name, or it won't be convincing!"
"Uh, I don't know, Jaune Junior."
"That's lame!"
"What's wrong with Jaune Junior?"
"It's so uninspired! I need something awesome!"
"Okay, what did you have in mind, then?"
"Yang Junior."
"And what if it's a boy?"
"Yang can be gender-neutral!"
"That's not-" He paused. "...Why am I arguing this right now? This plan will never work."
"Of course it will! Now hurry up and get naked before I have to use some of my rohypnol on you."
Thankfully, he didn't end up having to take either option, because at that moment there was a knock at the door. Both of them froze, knowing that the jig was up. Jaune cast a glimpse over at the nearby window, and for a moment, he thought about doing it.
Only for a moment, because Yang thought of it too, and she ended up throwing him out of it.
Thankfully, he landed on grass this time and his aura was up, so it didn't hurt too much. What did hurt was where he landed.
Which, of course, was right at the feet of a blonde man that looked very familiar.
Oh, fuck me.
Taiyang raised a hand in greeting. "Hey there, son. You're Jaune Arc, right?"
Jaune sighed tiredly. "...Yes, sir. Yes, I am."
"Great – my friend Qrow's told me a lot about you. He got here a bit before I did and has been checking all the hospital rooms for you. Good thing I found you before he did."
Somehow, Jaune doubted that.
There was an explosion in the hospital room he had just fallen from, which caused him to sigh. Tai, meanwhile, just grinned.
"Great, he's keeping her busy. More time for us to have our guy talk."
"Whatever you say, sir."
"Ah, don't be like that." Tai clapped him on the back. It felt like getting punched by a bear. "Come on, then – let's find a private spot, just the two of us. We have much to
discuss."
Like my last will and testament, Jaune thought to himself as Yang's father began to lead him away.
The two of them walked until they got to Beacon's gardens, probably the least manly spot in the entire school save for the girl's locker room and Weiss' closet. Still, Jaune could at least appreciate the irony inherent in his final resting place being so beautiful.
"This seems like a good spot," Taiyang announced. "Right then, it's time to have a talk, man-to-man."
Well, this was it. It was time to face the music. Hopefully it was something gentle, like jazz or pop, and not the deathcore it seemed like it was going to be.
Gods, if you're listening, please hit me with some Bitches Brew instead of some Melancholy, like I expect you will.
Somehow he knew that was just going to fall on deaf ears – the Gods had already ignored all his prayers before this, and he somehow knew they weren't going to start listening to him now. Instead, he closed his eyes and waited for death.
However, death never came. What he got was something entirely different.
"Here you go, son. Try some of this."
Tai put something in his hand. Jaune opened his eyes, and was surprised to see a can of beer. He looked over at Taiyang in confusion, and his would-be executioner merely lifted his own can in response.
"Cheers."
And then he cracked the tab and started drinking like it was the most natural thing in the world. Predictably, Jaune was confused.
"I'm confused," Jaune said. "Aren't you going to kill me?"
Taiyang cocked an eyebrow. "Kill you? Why on Remnant would I want to do that?"
"Well, I'm kind of dating your daughter."
"Yeah, so? What is this, some kind of shitty teenage rom-com?"
"...Maybe? I mean, it seems to have been that way so far, so-"
Tai shook his head, grinning softly. "Son, I'm not gonna get mad at you for that. Come on, think for a moment – obviously she was going to end up dating at some point. And honestly, I'd rather it be you than pretty much anyone else at this school."
Oh. "Oh. Well, that's nice."
"Eh, only kind of. I'm happy it's you because I know she can beat you. Not that I expect you to try anything she doesn't want to do, but just in case, I know that she's capable of holding you off."
"Oh. Um, well-"
"And naturally, just in case, Qrow and I would be there to help her out, too. You know, if she needed it.:"
"That's very-"
"And I'm pretty sure she knows how to use the Grimm to get rid of a body, so that's not really any concern of mine, either."
"Oh, well-"
"And I'm not worried about anyone digging too deeply, because I'm in good with Ozpin, and he'd cover for me."
Jaune sighed. "...Message received, sir."
"Good, good. Just wanted to make sure. Now then, why don't you drink? Take the edge off a bit."
Truthfully, Jaune wasn't much of a drinker – the last time he had been to a bar, it had ended with the place being destroyed, and with him having drunken cavewoman sex with his girlfriend atop a pile of unconscious bar thugs. Not exactly the highlight of his romance life.
Still better than some of his more shameful faps, though.
In any case, he wasn't much of a fan of the sauce… but right now, Taiyang's implicit threat was making him want to pee himself out of fear, so he needed something to take the edge off. So he popped the tab and drank deeply, trying his best not to spit out the beer.
How do people drink this stuff? At least liquor has an actual taste to it. This just tastes like piss, not that I actually know what piss tastes like or anything.
Still, he managed to choke it down with a cough, beating his chest with a fist to make sure he didn't spit it back up. Wiping the rest off his mouth, he looked over to Tai.
"So, what's going on here?" Jaune asked. "Obviously, you didn't call me here just to make me almost piss myself and give me a beer."
"You're right about that," came the response. "Truthfully, I'm here to save your ass, Jaune."
"Save my ass? ...Like, literally, or-"
"No, not literally. At least I hope not. Please, Gods, tell me it's not literal. I don't need to hear about what you and my oldest daughter get up to in bed."
"Uh, no. No, it is not."
"Phew. For a moment there, I was worried that I had accidentally raised a real degenerate."
Jaune didn't have the heart to tell him that he actually had, just not in the way that he thought.
"Anyway, I'm here because I know what it's like to date a woman with Branwen blood in her, and I'm here to make sure that nobody makes the same mistake I did," Tai said.
"What, you mean Yang's mother?"
"Yeah, that bitch."
Okay, whoa. He knew the story, of course, but that was going a bit too far.
"...That's a bit much, don't you think?" he ventured.
"What? No. Gods, no. She abandoned her own daughter, Jaune."
"Well, yeah, but-"
"Who does that? What next, is she going to team up with some obvious villains in a harebrained scheme to try and spare herself from utter destruction?
"I don't know about-"
"Don't get me wrong, that's definitely stupid enough to be a Raven idea, but I like to think that even she would have standards. But like I said, she did abandon her own daughter, so you never know."
"Yes, I'm aware-"
"Like, straight-up just shit the baby out, then left immediately after. Didn't even wait to hold her."
"Okay, that's pretty bad-"
"I'm pretty sure the placenta wasn't even fully out yet, so it was still trailing behind her as she walked like a dog with a leash in its mouth. Bet she had a lot of explaining to do to the tribe about that."
"Alright, now it's just getting gross-"
"Imagine, if you will, Raven Branwen, fresh out of childbirth, torn vagina and all, dragging a load of afterbirth along with her through the portal. Disgusting, right?"
"Change the subject, please," Jaune begged.
Tai shrugged. "Hey, I'm just reveling in the sheer misery she must have been in."
"You know, I thought there'd be at least some love lost between you."
"You've clearly never been through a divorce, and I hope you never have to. Trust me, whatever love was once there goes out the window once the lawyers get involved. Did you know that she took the house? That's the original house, I mean. Didn't even use it, just set it on fire and let it burn. That's the house Ruby and Yang visited to try and find her when they both got attacked by Grimm and nearly killed. Figures that even when she's not there, she's still a really shitty mom."
Jaune debated trying to interrupt again before deciding that it was probably better that he just let Taiyang vent. After all, who was he to interrupt another man in the midst of bitching about his marital troubles?
Typical boomer, always bitching about his ex.
Wisely, he chose not to say that out loud. Even he knew that if those words ever left his mouth, he was actually going to die.
"-Anyway, that was the point where I decided that I was done waiting, so I was just going to go to Summer instead," Tai continued, apparently oblivious to the fact that Jaune had been tuning him out for the past several minutes. "Though, to be fair to Sum, it's hard to be willfully ignorant when someone as cute as her comes up to you one night dressed in just her cloak and says, 'I want a baby of my own, big man. Give it to me. Put that thick Tai Wang inside of me and make me go all ahegao and knock me up already.' That was the point at which I realized that I was probably better off forgetting about Raven entirely. Haven't looked back since."
"Oh. Well, that's neat and all, but why are you here? Surely you didn't come here just to lecture me on the dangers of dating a bandit."
"Oh, of course not. No, I'm here to give you the most important lesson of your bleak and overwhelmingly meaningless life. This is a little something I like to call Dating a Branwen 101. Class is in session now."
"What do you-"
"First lesson," Tai interrupted, "don't ask stupid questions – Branwens hate that. Any questions you're going to ask are best submitted in strict compliance with a twenty-words-or-less limit, and you'd best not repeat yourself – if you think she didn't hear the question, assume that she actually did and just isn't answering it because she thinks it's a stupid-ass question."
"This is already shockingly in-depth," Jaune mused. "What happens if I go against these guidelines?"
"Lesson number two of dating a Branwen: their libido is off the chain. I'd rather not think about what Yang is like, but I can tell you that Raven was a lot like a cavewoman – if she wasn't fighting, she was fucking. If she wasn't fucking, she was eating. If she wasn't eating, she was fighting. You get the idea. Unless you want her to start fighting you, it's best that you just shut up and go along with whatever else she wants to do, whether that's fucking or cooking for her."
"That doesn't sound so bad."
"See, you say that now, but a Branwen woman is like a lioness in heat – if she's really horny, then she's not satisfied until you've gone at least twenty rounds. You're lucky if you're shooting blanks by the end of it, trust me. And much like a lioness, if she isn't satisfied with your performance, she just might bite you on the balls. Don't ask me how I know."
That… was honestly terrifying to think about. Even worse, Yang was already well on her way. Sure, she wasn't quite following in her mother's footsteps just yet, but Jaune knew from experience that she was more than willing to go for six or seven rounds depending on how in the mood she was, and that was about his upper limit.
Also, ball munching was very much not appreciated.
"Well, that's discouraging," he said flatly. "Any tips?"
"You doing your kegels yet?"
"What the hell is a kegel?"
"Yeah, thought so. Start doing your kegels. Also, get good at foreplay – you can hold a Branwen off for a few rounds if you're good with your tongue and your fingers. Otherwise, pop a Viagra and pray to the Gods, because you're in for a night. And once she's pregnant, it's even worse – her hormones are out of control."
"Why do you assume I'll get Yang pregnant?"
"Because you're dating my daughter, and if it goes really well and you two end up getting married but I don't get at least one grandkid out of it, I actually will kill you. The one exception is if she doesn't want one. Got that?"
"Uh, yeah. Crystal clear."
"Great. Lesson three: whatever she wants, just do it. Doesn't matter how weird, just go with it."
"I'll keep that in mind. Anything else?"
"Not for that one. Lesson four: if you ever piss her off, she has a huge weakness for roses. That's not a Branwen thing as much as it is a Yang thing, but you ought to know it. Don't ever forget that. When you forget your anniversary, that's the fastest way to win her back."
"Why do you assume I'll forget our anniversary?"
"You're a man, Jaune – forgetting your anniversary is in your blood. Much like how it's physically impossible for a man to tighten something down in a truck bed without saying some variation of the phrase 'That ain't going nowhere,' it is also physically impossible for a man to remember his anniversary consistently year after year. You just can't do it. We're made to conquer, not remember stuff like that. Thousands of years of evolution have conspired against us to make us forget bullshit like that. I recommend getting in good with your local florist and having him keep track of it instead of you – that guy is an absolute lifesaver. Trust me on that."
"Duly noted. Anything else?"
"Just one more: promise me that no matter what happens, you'll treat her right. Do that, and I think we'll get along just fine. Deal?"
"Deal. Thanks, Mister Xiao Long."
"Hey, you're dating my daughter – it's just Tai or Taiyang to you from now on. Only call me Mister Xiao Long if you fuck up and are trying to convince me not to kill you. Otherwise, we're good."
Well, that was just vaguely reassuring enough for Jaune's desire to keep dating Yang to win out over his desire to run away screaming.
"Oh, that's a relief," he said with a sigh. "I promise, sir – I'll do my best to take care of Yang."
"You'd better, because you're a young guy and I'd hate to have to kill you."
Thankfully, he said that in a joking tone, so Jaune knew not to take it any more seriously than anything else that had come out of Taiyang's mouth. Truthfully, he was just happy that he had managed to get through this entire encounter without having his head torn from his shoulders. And it seemed like luck was on his side – now that he (kind of, sort of) had Taiyang's approval, that meant that he probably didn't have to worry about Yang's even scarier uncle. Which was a good thing, too – Jaune didn't know much about him, but he did know that the man was less of a human and more of a walking bottle of ethanol, and he would really hate it if Qrow exploded all over him, because the scent of strong alcohol made him want to throw up.
Oh, and Qrow had also apparently taught Ruby everything she knew about how to use a scythe, so there was that too, he supposed. But somehow the thought of a drunk man trying to actually use such a complicated weapon didn't put the fear of the Gods into him the way he thought it was. He couldn't help it – trying to use one of those fucking things while plastered seemed less like a viable combat strategy and more like the world's slowest suicide attempt of all time.
Where am I going with this? Must be the beer.
Yeah, he was a lightweight. Half a beer and he already felt tipsy. Unfortunately, he hadn't inherited his mother's tolerance for the sauce, but then again that was probably because he hadn't been the one to shit out eight kids.
Whatever the case, he was just happy to make it through today without ending up looking like a death metal band's album art. And barring some particularly weird shenanigans, it seemed like it was going to stay that way.
Why do I feel like I just jinxed myself?
For the first few days after meeting Yang's father – to be generous with the term 'meeting' – everything seemed pretty normal. Nobody really gave him much trouble save for his overprotective girlfriend, but she was at least figuring out that he wasn't actually made of glass and that she didn't need to coddle him. At the very least, she had stopped trying to go into the bathroom with him, so there was that.
Right now, it was night time. Once again, Jaune was the little spoon, which meant he was having trouble sleeping because being cuddled up next to Yang was like sleeping inside of a pizza oven. It was worth it to feel her tits against his back, of course, as well as to hear the cute little snores she let out every couple of seconds, but still, he'd appreciate being allowed to get through a single night without filling his onesie up with sweat.
Seriously, it was like his underwear was full of Capri Sun right now.
Anyway, issues with his own bodily fluids aside, things had gone smoothly, which was great because ever since he had started dating Yang, it had been a never-ending stream of constant bullshit. It was like his life was one big tabletop game and he just kept rolling critfails, at least until very recently where his luck had somehow actually reversed a bit. At this point, he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for things to go back to being super shitty.
Which, it turned out, was going to happen right now.
Jaune turned over on his side just in time to see a swirling red-and-black portal appear in the center of the room. Upon seeing it, he sighed. Taiyang and Qrow had told him this might happen, so he had been mentally preparing for it as best as he could. Unfortunately, there was only so much he could to prepare for the possibility of a crazy and admittedly MILFy bandit queen appearing in the center of his room like this was a bad porn movie. Even more unfortunately, this wasn't actually a bad porn movie, so he was probably going to have to protect his dick from getting chopped off rather than actually put it to use.
Raven stepped out of her portal, sheathing her sword as she did so. She looked around, only to pause when she saw Jaune was awake.
"...Who stays up at three in the morning?" she questioned.
"People who are slowly getting heat stroke from being spooned by your daughter," Jaune replied. "You know how bees sometimes kill those giant hornets by dogpiling them and then beating their wings, making the hornet get so hot that it literally roasts to death? That's me right now. But it's worth it because I get to spoon with Yang."
"...I see. Anyway, I'm here to kill you."
"I guessed. Hold that thought."
"What fo-"
"YANG! YOUR MOM'S HERE AND SHE WANTS TO PENETRATE ME!"
That did the trick. Yang was up in an instant, leaping out of bed and taking up a fighting stance in front of him as she glared at her mother, her eyes blazing red. Raven seemed unperturbed for all of two seconds before she realized what Yang was wearing… or rather, wasn't wearing.
Grimacing, the bandit queen averted her eyes. "Why the hell are you naked? Who in their right mind sleeps naked?!"
"The kind of person who actually gets laid," Yang retorted. "Not that you would know, egg donor."
"Really? You're not even going to call me Mother?"
"Why would I? You haven't exactly done anything motherly lately. At this point I'm more of a mother than you, since I actually have my boyfriend's cum inside me right now. I might be on the pill and all, but that still makes me a better mom than you've been so far. Anyway, I have to ask: what kind of dry spell have you been on? I'd bet dollars to donuts that I've gotten more dick in the past three days than you have in the last decade."
Raven glared at her. "Look, I didn't come here to compare sexual conquests with you-"
"Because you know I'm right and you'd lose."
"-I'm here to stop you from making a huge mistake."
"Yeah, not interested. I already had Dad do the part of the overprotective parent, I don't need you doing the same thing. Once was more than enough."
"Actually, it wasn't even that bad," Jaune interjected. "Your dad is a really great guy, Yang."
"Oh, I know. Shame that Raven doesn't, since she left him and all."
"Shouldn't you be happy about that?" Raven asked, raising an eyebrow. "If I hadn't left, you wouldn't have a sister."
"Oh, I'm absolutely ecstatic that Ruby exists. But I'm also still incredibly mad that you took off in the first place."
"That seems hypocritical of you, given that you can't both have me there as your mom and have a little sister at the same time."
"Says who? I happen to know how the results of your fights with Summer went while you were in school. If she wanted to hop on Dad's Tai-wang, there's nothing you could have done to stop him."
"Okay, pause," Jaune said. "This is getting out of control. There's a bandit queen in my room who probably wants to kill me, you're naked, I'm sweating in my onesie so hard that it looks like I peed myself, and now we're talking about your mom getting cucked by your stepmom in some convoluted plot to make sure that you get the best of both worlds. There's a point where this needs to stop and we've clearly passed it."
Raven rolled her eyes, resting her hand on the hilt of her sword. "Oh, shut up. I'll get to you in a second, boy."
"Ooh, how scary," Yang said, rolling her eyes. Jaune wisely chose not to comment on how she was acting eerily similar to her moth- er, egg donor. "Man, and I thought the edgiest person I'd ever met was Blake. Turns out that the woman who gave birth to me is even edgier than her, which is just embarrassing given that you're, what, pushing forty?"
"I could just kill you both right now, you know," Raven pointed out.
"Yeah, but you won't, otherwise you would have done it already, because these roasts are clearly too much for you to handle. Anyway, I'm not done, so be a good parent for once in your life and sit there, would you? Right. So, what's with the outfit? You're almost forty years old, which is basically becoming an old hag by this point, yet you're still dressed like a teenager. Why is a forty-year-old bandit queen putting her tits on display and wearing a miniskirt like she's in some kind of MILF porno?" Yang looked around in an exaggerated fashion. "Jaune, do you see any cameras anywhere? Since she decided to come in while we were both sleeping off the post-coital bliss, I can only assume that her plan is to rope the two of us into a mother-daughter incest threesome."
"Please never use those words in the same sentence ever again," Jaune begged.
"What, too freaky for you? I don't blame you – where Raven comes from, incest is surprisingly common. I'd never partake because ew, but I can't speak for her. Given that she doesn't seem to care that my everything is on full display right now, I can only assume that she wants a piece of me."
"Yes, that's exactly right," Raven said sarcastically. "I came here in my full battle getup because I wanted to sleep with you, the long-estranged daughter who I abandoned because I didn't want her in the first place. All these years, I've just been waiting until you were legal and dating someone, so that I could make my move and come back to turn you into my personal sex slave. There, I said it. Can we move on to the part where I kill him now?"
"You know, I don't understand why you're bothering with the formalities," Yang pointed out. "If you want him dead so bad, why not just do it? Not like we can do anything to stop you – sure, you're an absolute failure in every sense of the word, but you're armed and only semi-naked in that stupid-ass thot getup while Jaune and I are both unarmed and I'm completely naked. This should be child's play for you… I mean, not that you have any experience to know how children play, but still."
"If you must know, it's because I actually don't want to kill you, even though you're making my urge to kill skyrocket right now."
"Wow, I'm surprised that you actually care that much. Hear that, Jaune? This absolute semen receptacle isn't going to kill me, she's only going to kill the love of my life! Isn't that nice of her? No way is that going to end up traumatizing me horribly and causing me to swear an oath of vengeance upon her, whereupon I will retreat into the mountains and train myself for years and years, continuously throwing punches and giving thanks until I basically achieve nirvana. Then I will roam Remnant with my amazing new martial arts skills, challenging fighting schools and tournaments until none stand in my way. At some point I'll gain the ability to shoot lasers or something, I don't know. Anyway, I'll take on Raven in pitched combat and defeat her, and then die to some giant ant-man, who I will then nuke with a bomb surgically implanted in my heart in one giant thinly-disguised metaphor for how awful humanity is. Despite all of that, that season will still be one of the best things to ever happen to shounen."
"I feel like you're maybe referencing something again, but I don't know what it is for the fucking life of me," Jaune admitted.
Yang ignored him, as she was wont to do whenever he said something kind of dumb. Instead, she again focused her attention on her deadbeat mother.
"So, why are you even here, anyway? I mean, sure, it's to absolutely murderize the shit out of my boyfriend, but somehow I find it really hard to believe that you'd go from not caring for seventeen years to suddenly caring. There's clearly something else going on here, I just don't know what it is, only that it's probably unfathomably stupid."
"Isn't your dad blue-eyed and blonde-haired like me?" Jaune asked. "Maybe she just has something against me because of that."
"It's certainly not helping," Raven admitted. "Truthfully, I'm here to kill you because you're fucking weak. Seriously, Yang? Of all the people you could have picked, you went for this… blonde noodle?"
"I don't know, I'd say he's treated me alright so far," Yang said, placing a hand on her hip. "Definitely better than you have for the past seventeen years."
"Oh, you're really going to keep bringing that up?"
"Why yes, as a matter of fact, I am! Why the fuck would I not?! It's only the primary thing motivating me to do anything, aside from Ruby! 'Why did you beat up a bar full of bad guys and crush a perverted old man's nutsack, Yang?' 'Oh, I don't know, it definitely had nothing to do with my absentee mother, though! Whatever could give you that idea? It's not like I fucking care or anything!'"
"You, uh, might want to leave," Jaune warned Raven. "She only gets like this when she's about to go nuclear."
Raven cocked an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"
"Stick around and find out. Or don't – I don't care. Either way you're about to stop being a pain in my ass."
"I could still kill you, you know."
"Then stop wasting your time and do it. Otherwise you've got no balls."
"I'm a woman."
"I know what I said."
Honestly, it was probably really stupid of him to tempt fate like that, but he was just past the point of caring at the moment. Something had to give, and despite how scary Raven was, Jaune suspected that it wasn't about to actually be his body. His patience, most definitely, but not his body.
Probably.
Maybe.
...Well, at least Yang was here to avenge him if he actually did get himself killed.
"Well, I'll be honest, I'm starting to wonder if this was even worth it in the first place," Raven finally admitted. "Clearly, she doesn't want my help."
"What the fuck did you expect? You came here after not seeing her for seventeen years for the express purpose of slaughtering the man she loves. Of course she was going to be upset about that. Honestly, it's like you're trying to be the world's worst parent. At this point, the fucking Grimm could have a mother or something and she'd still be a better mom than you."
"I'll have you know that Yang is stronger because I left," Raven said. "If it weren't for the fact that she wanted to look for me, she would still be weak, just like her little sister."
Jaune was about to say something, but he never got that far. As it turned out, that comment had officially crossed the line. Raven was about to learn just what it meant when Yang went nuclear.
"Haaaaa..." Yang began to softly growl out.
"Look, you should probably leave," Jaune warned Raven.
"Haaaaaaaaaaa..."
"And why is that?" Raven questioned. "Whatever you losers can do to me, I've had worse."
"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!"
"I'm warning you, just go."
"Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
"No, I don't think I will."
Jaune sighed. Welp, I tried. Might as well sit back, watch the fireworks, and try to come up with an alibi for Ozpin and Goodwitch.
And in that moment, he knew that there was no going back, for Yang had just awoken her true power.
"AND THIS IS TO GO EVEN FURTHER BEYOND!" Yang shouted, her aura flaring up to its full power. Her entire body started to radiate with power, the heat becoming so intense that it began to melt the wallpaper in the room. A large fire began to blaze all around her, but despite the sheer force and the fact that he was standing next to it, Jaune was completely unharmed – he could only assume that was Yang's doing.
Raven, meanwhile, looked like she was about to shit her stylish miniskirt. Admittedly, Jaune found the fact that Yang had just managed to put the fear of the Gods into her bitch of a mother to be impressive, but there was one thing that was even more impressive than that.
I'm surprised it took her so little time to do that. Usually it takes about three episodes. Raven must have really pissed her off.
And all it took was a mere moment for him to see how true that was. Yang suddenly launched herself at her mother, moving so fast that the only way to follow her movements was by tracking the trail her aura left behind her as she went. Raven tried to defend herself, but it was no use – Yang had finally achieved her true form, and while it would only last for as long as her aura held out, it would be more than enough for her to take out the trash.
Jaune, meanwhile, sat back and reached for the bag of marshmallows that Nora had so kindly accidentally left in the room earlier in the day, and enjoyed a snack while he watched the asskicking and tried to think of a way to get out of this without having to serve detention for life alongside his girlfriend.
Maybe if I tell Glynda that I couldn't do anything because Yang had me in bondage for some kinky role playing, she'll let me off the hook.
He somehow doubted that the absolute hardass known as Glynda Goodwitch would actually let that excuse fly, but it was the best he could come up with in his sleep-deprived and horny state, so fuck it.
Finally, Raven seemed to decide that things weren't worth it. Apparently having gotten sick of dealing with her walking nuclear bomb of a daughter, she decided to turn on her hacks or something and, of all things, start shooting lightning out of her hands like she was a fucking Sith lord.
"Enough!" Raven declared, having succeeded in driving her daughter back. The two women glared at each other. "I can see that this is a losing battle."
"You've got that right," Yang replied. "Leave, and don't ever come back."
"Very well. Since you insist on shacking up with this weak specimen of a man, I suppose I have no choice but to let you make your mistakes. And here I was, thinking that maybe you could actually live up to the tribe's standards by finding a strong man and producing a worthy heir."
"I know what the tribe's standards are, and I've gotta say, I have no interest in fucking my family members, let alone making a baby with one of them. Run along now, and go back to crying in a corner and masturbating by yourself, thinking back on the days when Dad actually loved you and wasn't slipping Summer the old Valean Sausage instead."
Raven glowered at her daughter but said nothing, instead tearing open a portal before stepping through and disappearing, hopefully forever. Jaune breathed a sigh of relief, happy that this ordeal was over.
Or so he thought.
Just as he was about to lie down, Yang stopped him.
"And where do you think you're going?"
Ah, shit. "...Bed? Because it's like two-"
"Nope. I'm horny. I want to know what you're going to do about it."
"...You mean to tell me that you just fought your scantily-clad mother while you were butt-ass naked, and that somehow made you horny?"
"What can I say? I love a good fight. Now, are you down?"
See, the thing with Yang was, she didn't exactly give you a choice. Her options were generally either 'your resistance only makes your penis harder' or 'cum with me if you want to live.' Very rarely was there any kind of third option, and when there was one, it generally consisted of sparing his pelvis at the cost of making him eat her out for like an hour straight.
The curse of liking dominant women, he supposed. To use a very loose definition of the word 'curse' because honestly, what kind of asshole complained that they were getting too much sex? That's like complaining that you're making too much money, or that your dick is too big, or that you're too ripped.
Still, this was Yang, so there was still one big concern.
"Be gentle with me, will you?" Jaune asked. "I'd rather not have my back broken a second time."
"Just for that, I'm going to make sure you're walking with a limp tomorrow," Yang promised.
Somehow, Jaune couldn't find it in himself to care all that much.
And there's the return to Yang. Man, lots of sequel chapters coming out recently, huh? I kind of just want to get them out of the way already, since I did say I'd do them a really long time ago, and I figure you guys probably want to see them sooner rather than later. So now I've got the Raven/Vernal chapter left, plus the Weiss prequel, and I think that's it for the continuation chapters. I don't know when either of those will come out, but I'll do my best to get them out as soon as possible, so I can actually move on to some other characters with a clean conscience.
Aside from that, I hope everyone's had a good holiday season so far. Personally, mine's been pretty damn great – I didn't really have a need to use any of my vacation days this year before now, so I ended up using all of them at the start of December, meaning I've been having a nice long vacation. It's been pretty relaxing, getting to see family, eating some Minaris family classics, and generally just enjoying the holiday season. I've finally had time to start some other things I've been meaning to start, too. Been doing a lot of writing these past few weeks, including finishing up the rough planning for another project I won't be posting for a long time, plus a few other odds and ends I've been meaning to get started on. I can't talk too much about those right now, just know that they're not connected to this fic and that it's been a very productive couple of weeks.
I also did something I've wanted to do for a long time now and took a trip down to my not-so-local CMP store to buy an M1 Garand, so predictably my time not spent writing or relaxing has been spent ejecting empty clips from it and giggling to myself at the noise it makes, which is only weird if you're not familiar with the Garand at all. And let me just say, movies and games just don't do the M1 justice – it's long and fairly heavy (9.5 pounds unloaded I think, so there's some heft to it. Not as much as my FAL, which comes in at just over 10 pounds unloaded, but it's up there), sure, but it also balances and points really well, and it has the absolute best iron sights I think I've ever personally seen on a gun. I'd still take my FAL over my M1 if it came down to one or the other, but if there's one thing I can point to in the M1's favor (besides the ping, of course), it's the sights – these absolutely put my FAL's iron sights to shame. I'd say that the FAL is the better battle rifle while the M1 is the better target rifle. I can't wait to actually shoot it on New Years.
Why am I talking about this here? No idea. I honestly can't think of anything else to put in this AN at the moment, so I suppose I'll just leave it there.
See you all next year.
Next update: Saturday, January 9.