Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 31: Sunny (Sun R63), or: The Tomboy Chapter
For the longest time, Jaune had wondered what the DustNet's obsession with tomboys was about. Sure, the idea was nice – because who wouldn't like the idea of dating a girl who was basically just one of the guys, minus the dick of course – but the DustNet's idea of a tomboy simply didn't exist. Jaune knew this because one of his sisters was a tomboy, and unlike the DustNet's version of them, she wasn't especially muscular, didn't like video games at all, didn't drink hard liquor, didn't cuss like a sailor… she was basically just a girl who wasn't afraid to get her hands dirty, didn't like girly things, and didn't take shit from anyone. And that was enough for him to write off the DustNet's version of a tomboy as an utter fantasy, the same way monster girls were a fantasy.
Until he met Sunny.
"Dude, what the hell are you still doing in bed? Get up, we've got stuff to do."
Jaune groaned as he cracked both eyes open. Predictably, his girlfriend was standing above him, a wide grin on her face. He stared at her for a moment before turning over on his side, intending to go back to sleep. He could almost hear Sunny roll her eyes behind him.
"Really, man? Okay, let's try something else."
Without warning, she reached down and grabbed his sheets, then roughly yanked them off his bed. Jaune yelped when he felt the sudden cold air hit his near-naked body, bringing his hands up to try and cover himself. Again, Sunny rolled her eyes.
"Seriously? I've seen it all before."
"It's not that," Jaune protested. "It's freezing in here!"
"I'll say – my nipples could cut glass right now."
That was bait, and she knew it. Despite that, Jaune couldn't help but look. In his defense, it wasn't like Sunny did much to hide her ample chest – hell, all she wore on her upper body was an open button-up collared shirt, with the only thing covering her breasts being a wrapping of bandages around them. And true to her word, her nipples were very much visible in the form of two little nubs right on her boobs.
Jaune flushed red, and she chuckled. "...You really should cover yourself, you know," he said, his voice weak.
"Why would I do that? I know you love them."
"Yeah, but… doesn't letting other people see them bother you?"
"Nah," Sunny said, waving him off. "Honestly, this is nothing compared to Vacuo. Most of the people there go around in a lot less than this. Hell, when it gets hot enough, we all kind of just say fuck it and get naked."
"And nobody cares?"
"Dude, it's Vacuo. We're such an uninhabitable shithole of a kingdom that's so full of scoundrels and thieves that not even the Grimm want to mess with us, which by some weird stroke of logic technically makes us the safest kingdom in all of Remnant. Nobody cares if they see a little public nudity – we're too busy trying not to get mugged."
"But I thought you just said that Vacuo was somehow really safe."
"Yeah, from Grimm. People there will still try to kill you for your shoes or a can of beans if you let them. All you have to do is not let them. Anyway, are you awake yet?"
"I guess," Jaune said.
"Good, because we've got stuff to do."
"Like what?"
"The gym, for one. Today's leg day."
Jaune couldn't help but groan. Sunny gave him a sly grin.
"Hey, now," she chastised. "If you didn't want me to push you in the gym so hard, you should have started lifting weights before you came to Beacon."
"I didn't exactly have the opportunity before now."
"Sounds like a you problem, buddy. Anyway, let's go. And don't say you don't want to – I can barely see your abs right now, and that just won't do."
At the mention of abs, Jaune's gaze fell to her stomach. Her abs were still there, of course, and just as magnificent as they always were. It wasn't a stretch to say that Sunny easily had the best core out of every girl in Beacon, surpassing even the likes of Pyrrha, Yang, and that one martial arts girl from Haven nobody cared enough about to remember.
Man, that's a mean thing to say. Why do I feel like someone is going to get nasty messages about that?
Shaking that thought from his mind, Jaune tore his attention away from Sunny's belly enough to look down at his own. His abs were there, sure, but they were nothing compared to his girlfriend's. His abs looked like he had just started working out not too long ago, while Sunny's looked like something you could grind meat on.
That didn't bother either of them, though – Sunny was just happy to have someone she could push to their limit, and he was just happy to have someone who cared about him romantically.
"Aw," Sunny suddenly cooed. "You comparing yourself to me again?"
"I can't help it. Your abs look amazing, while mine-"
"Are a work in progress. It doesn't happen over night, Jaune."
"I know, but still."
Her grin faded for a moment before it was replaced with another, this one much more mischievous. Out of the corner of his eye, Jaune saw her tail start to slowly swish from side to side, which was a sure sign that she was plotting something. And given that she was probably the least subtle person in the world, it probably wasn't going to be much longer before she straight-up blurted it out, no matter how lewd it was.
"Looks like someone could use some motivation," she said.
"Motivation?"
"Mm-hm. Motivation. I'm going to motivate you to get your ass in the gym."
"And how do you intend to-"
He was quickly cut off by Sunny reaching down into his boxers. His eyes widened, but she just smirked at him.
"Hmm… I don't know, Jaune," she said mockingly. "I wonder what I could possibly do to motivate you? Perhaps you could enlighten me."
"...Okay, I think I see what you're getting at."
"Ha! I'd hope so, buddy." She let go of him, pulling her hand out of his underwear. "You know, you might be jealous of my abs, but I'm kind of jealous of that thing you're packing."
"...Do I even want to know why?"
"Ah, don't worry – it's nothing weird. I just can't help but wonder how it feels, you know, inside. Lighten up, will you? I'm not about to do anything crazy in bed."
That was easy for her to say – she was the one who usually insisted on being in control. It wasn't quite femdom, but Sunny knew what she liked, and what she liked was being on top and setting the pace.
I can't help but feel like just being with Sunny is a threat to my masculinity. Seriously, she's more manly than some of the guys I've met.
Poor, poor Ren and Neptune. Good friends, but Ren had the muscle mass of a teenage girl, and Neptune… was Neptune.
At least Ren isn't a fuckboy.
Seriously. Jaune liked Neptune and all, but come on.
"Alright, enough fooling around for now," Sunny declared. "Time to get to the gym."
Jaune didn't resist at all when she took him by the arm and started to pull him out of bed, knowing that it was a lost cause to try and fight her.
The gym – and the aftermath of the gym, if it could be called that – went about as expected: Jaune was tired and sore all over, and it felt like he had been put through the wringer. Granted, that was more due to Sunny's treatment of him afterwards than anything that had happened in the gym itself, but still.
"So," Sunny said, stepping out of his bathroom with a towel in her hair and nothing covering her body at all. "How was it? Best you've ever had?"
Jaune really wasn't sure how to reply to that. 'Yes' was the obvious solution, but somehow he could tell that it would disappoint her. Sunny was one of the guys, you see, and that meant she liked to banter.
"Your monkey side bled through again," he ended up saying.
"Oh? How so?"
"Because you fuck like a gorilla. I'm more sore now than I was in the gym."
"Ha! Ah, that's rich. And I know you love it all, bruises on your hips and hickies on your neck included."
Well, he wasn't going to argue that point at all, and not just because he knew it would upset her – rather, she was just right.
Sunny finished drying off her hair, then threw the towel aside. Naked as the day she was born, she stepped over to Jaune's dresser, then began fishing around in his underwear drawer.
"You can just wear your own clothes again, you know," Jaune said, though the corners of his mouth were quirked upwards into a small smile.
"Sure, but where's the fun in that?" Sunny asked without looking back, instead continuing to rifle through his clothes. "This is a lot sexier."
"Then what am I supposed to do with your panties?"
"You could always try wearing them. I hear guys who squat two plates or less love wearing panties."
"Heh. You're a real jerk, you know that?"
"You know you love me."
Pulling out a pair of his underwear that she seemed to like, Sunny quickly stepped into them and pulled them up, then let out a low whistle. "Damn. These are a lot more comfortable than I thought they'd be. Much roomier than panties."
"Because they're made for the half of the population that's actually packing something down there."
"What, tails don't count?" Sunny asked, swishing her tail from side to side for emphasis.
"Apparently not. That's not uncomfortable for your tail, is it?"
"Nah, I can deal. And between you and me, I kind of prefer not having a hole in my clothes that can show off my ass."
"I thought you didn't care if you had to go around naked, because everyone does in Vacuo."
"Sure, but this isn't Vacuo. It gets cold here. Speaking of warmth, you got any rolls of bandages in here?"
Jaune rolled his eyes. "You could always try wearing something decent instead. I told you I'd be happy to go clothes shopping with you."
"Sure, but there are a few problems with that. One: I hate it when people spend money on me. Comes with growing up dirt poor in Vacuo."
"Yeah, you'd rather steal everything."
"Oh, one time! One time I did that, and I never get to live it down! Fucking Blake, running her mouth to everyone." She shook her head. "Anyway, moving on. Number two: clothes shopping is girly as hell, and I don't fuck with that. Not when I could be lifting weights and pounding back beers with the guys."
Jaune was tempted to tell her that Beacon was supposed to be a dry campus, but somehow he could tell that she wouldn't care.
She'd absolutely be a frat boy if she could.
Unfortunately for her, Beacon didn't offer frats. Fortunately for everyone else, Beacon didn't offer frats. They did at one point, but apparently they learned their lesson the last time an emotionally volatile young woman armed with years of training and a deadly weapon had gotten pissed about not being allowed entry.
I don't know who Raven Branwen is, but I suppose I should thank her for keeping my girlfriend out of at least some of the trouble she would have otherwise gotten herself into.
"So, do you get my point?" Sunny asked.
Jaune shrugged. "I guess. I mean, it's a stupid-ass point, but yeah, I get it."
"Good. Now then, where do you keep your undershirts?"
"In the next drawer over. Pants are just below them. I'd tell you where to find my shoes, but your feet are tiny."
"Whatever you say, plate-and-a-half."
Overall, Jaune was very happy being Sunny's boyfriend. It was hard for him to claim anything to the contrary – she was an eternally upbeat tomboy who always did her best to make him happy, and who knew how to both give and receive banter as good as any of the guys. She was sporty, fit, and overall, he just felt like the two of them were a great pair.
Of course, there was one major problem with her.
"Dude, come on, let's go do something."
Jaune looked up from his comic book. "Like what?"
"Hell if I know. All I know right now is that I'm bored. I want to do something."
"I am doing something," Jaune said, holding up his comic book for emphasis.
"Yeah, but reading is boring and for nerds."
Wow. No wonder Blake never went with you.
Not that he was complaining, because that meant that Sunny ended up with him instead. And that was absolutely Blake's loss, because honestly, Sunny was too good for her.
Seriously, Sunny chases after her when she runs away because she knows that Blake shouldn't be alone, and she even helps Blake fight Torchwick despite barely even knowing her, yet Blake is just a constant bitch to her despite that. Sure, Sunny was partially acting like a simp, but that's no excuse to be such an enormous cunt to her.
What do people see in Blake, anyway? If it wasn't for the fact that she had kitty ears and a nice ass, absolutely nobody would care about her. Hell, she might even get called out for her shitty behavior.
Blake's shittiness aside, he had another problem on his hands, that being that he had to entertain Sunny somehow.
"Well," he said, setting his comic aside, "what do you want to do, Sunny?"
"Something fun," she answered instantly. "I want to really get the blood pumping. That means doing something super masculine. I'm talking going down to the Emerald Forest and fighting a bunch of Grimm, or skydiving without a parachute, or something."
"...Can't I just spend the next hour licking your abs again and call it good?"
"Tempting, but no. I need to do something super manly. So, which is it, Jaune – Emerald Forest or skydiving?"
Well, that was a tough choice, and not for the obvious reasons. See, the thing about Sunny was that she never did anything straightforward. In this case, 'Going into the Emerald Forest and fighting Grimm' was actually a code for 'Going into the Emerald Forest unsupervised is not allowed, so if we try it we'll have to dodge Goodwitch, so really I'm just asking you to dodge Goodwitch with me.' Meanwhile, 'Skydiving' was code for 'Skydiving is basic as all hell and not nearly enough, so we're actually going to steal the airship we'll be jumping out of. This also is not allowed, so we will once again be forced to dodge Goodwitch.'
Now, Jaune would readily admit that he wasn't the smartest guy around, but he knew better than to pick a fight with Goodwitch. He would honestly rather fight an Ursa Major while he was naked and covered in Forever Fall tree sap than risk pissing off Glynda.
"You know, if you wanted to date an adrenaline junkie, there were better options than me," he pointed out. "Yang would be all over this stuff, for example. Hell, she'd probably one-up you – not only would you have to run away from Goodwitch, but you'd both also be naked at the same time, and also trying to coerce her into a threesome."
Sunny waved him off. "Yang's not my type at all. Besides, it's much more fun to corrupt people into doing incredibly manly things. Nah, my type have always been the meek, the weak, and the useless, specifically because I can take them and turn them into something awesome."
Well, let it be known that Sunny loved to build her partners up, if nothing else.
"...Okay," Jaune said, only feeling a little offended. "So, out of curiosity, if it hadn't been me-"
"Honestly? It would have been Ruby."
"Seriously?"
"What do you mean, seriously? Have you seen Ruby? She's like the least manly, most nerdy person in school besides you. Trust me, I would have made her into something much more than that. Also, come on, look at her. Tell me she isn't the cutest fucking thing in Beacon."
"...Is this a trick, or-"
"Oh, come on man, it's Ruby. We all know she's the cutest fucking thing in Beacon. I appreciate you trying not to say it, but trust me, I don't care. I know I'm not cute – rather, I'm smoking."
The last part was said with no small amount of pride, but the thing was, she wasn't wrong. Sunny hit the perfect spot for him – she was athletic without being super muscular, but was also distinctly feminine. That probably seems contradictory, but shut up. He liked what he liked, and in this case, he liked Sunny.
"Anyway, don't try to change the subject," Sunny admonished. "So, which will it be – Goodwitch or Goodwitch?"
"...Do we have to do this? Can't you just pin me down and make me eat you out for like the next forty minutes like you usually do when you get bored?"
"Oh, don't worry, we'll be doing that when we're locked in detention together. I have Scarlet and Nora on standby ready to cause a big enough distraction to draw Goodwitch away long enough for me to cum all over your face."
"I'm not even going to ask how you managed to rope those two into this."
"Well, Scarlet owed me a favor, and Nora is always down for anything crazy."
Well, that figured – everyone owed Sunny a favor for something, and Nora was Nora. No wonder she wasn't concerned about the absolute hellfire Goodwitch would have called down on them if they had gotten caught.
Anyway, it was looking like he wasn't going to get out of this, so he might as well do the manly thing and accept the inevitable.
"Alright, fine," Jaune said with resignation, setting his comic book aside. "Let's go try and steal us an airship, I suppose. Not like I enjoy living a quiet life or anything."
"We both know that if you wanted a quiet life, you wouldn't have started dating me."
Well, she had him there.
Now, dating Sunny was great and all – he had very few complaints – but probably his biggest complaint was just how much she insisted on inserting herself into his life. Don't get him wrong, Jaune loved dating her, but sometimes a man needed his space.
Which was why he had made arrangements.
Approaching the door, Jaune looked around to make sure he hadn't been tracked. When he was sure the coast was clear, he raised a fist and rapped on the door several times, in a very careful and deliberate pattern. A few seconds passed before the door was opened a crack, and a blue eye stared at him from the other side.
"Were you followed?"
"Not that I can tell," Jaune said. "She's back at the room, sleeping off an orgasm. She should be out for the next couple of hours."
That seemed to satisfy the person on the other side of the door. They closed it completely, and Jaune heard what sounded like eight different locks and deadbolts being undone. After several seconds, the door opened fully, revealing a grinning Neptune.
"Come in, and be quick about it."
Jaune didn't need to be told twice. He stepped into the room, and Neptune shut the door behind him. Once he was inside, Jaune raised a hand in greeting to everyone else.
"What's up, guys?"
Everyone else – Sage, Scarlet, and Mercury – all greeted him in turn.
"Good to see you, Jaune," Sage announced. "Come pull up a chair and grab a controller, we've just gotten started on the next round."
Jaune did as he was told, settling into his seat and reaching for the nearest controller. "What are we playing?"
"Infection. Scarlet's getting salty again."
"Because I've been a zombie every round for the past four fucking rounds!" Scarlet declared. "I thought this thing was supposed to be random?"
"It is."
"Then why-"
"The RNG gods obviously aren't on your side," Mercury said, a grin creeping into his tone. "Anyway, you going to keep bitching or what?"
Scarlet relented, though it wasn't without several grumbles under his breath. That seemed to satisfy Mercury, who chuckled lightly before turning to Jaune.
"Toss me a beer, would you? They're by your feet."
Jaune pulled one loose of the six pack and tossed it to Mercury, who cracked it open and took a deep swig.
I don't know how he can drink that shit so readily. It tastes like pisswater.
"That's the stuff," Mercury said once he had drained half the can. "You know, when you losers first invited me here, I wasn't sure what to think."
"Losers, are we?" Neptune asked.
"Yes, you are. And don't interrupt – I'm not done. Anyway, I just thought this would be a good distraction from having to deal with all the other bullshit I have to deal with. I didn't expect that it would actually be pretty nice."
"Hey, we just figured you could use a break from the estrogen fest that is living on a team with three women," Neptune said.
"Oh, says the simp. Has Weiss parked her bony ass on your face yet?"
"Ha-ha," Neptune deadpanned. "And if you must know, I'm working on her. It's just a matter of time."
"Sure, sure. And next I'm sure that I'll get to sleep with Cinder." He paused. "...Please don't mention I said that around her."
"Oh, so now who's the little bitch?"
"You don't understand, dude – she's fucking crazy. I'm pretty sure she goes out and beats up homeless people for fun every night. Like, no lie, she's actually evil."
Jaune couldn't help but roll his eyes at that. Mercury did that every time – the whole 'my team leader is actually evil and is planning to destroy Beacon and all of you should run away immediately if you want to live' thing. He had to admit, it had been funny the first three times Mercury had done it, but by now, it was getting old.
"Look, we're getting off track," Sage said. "This is supposed to be Guys' Night. That means we leave the talk about how scary the women in this school are behind us and instead focus on doing guy things."
This was actually the interesting thing about Guys' Night, or more specifically, about having a good group of all-male friends. Jaune hadn't really had that before Beacon, so he wasn't sure what to expect, but it was a lot different than what his sisters made it out to be like. Apparently, girls had the completely wrong idea about what it was like when guys got together as a group – contrary to popular belief, it was a lot less "Dude I smashed so much pussy last weekend, it's fucking awesome being a guy, I'm gonna go pelvic thrust down the street while declaring 'choo choo, here comes the oppression train'" and a lot more "lmao shut up u big gay, let's just get smashed and play video games all the time, fuck everything else we're here to have fun."
"Now, that being said," Neptune said, looking back to Jaune. "How's Sunny been treating you?"
"I'm not sure why you guys ask that every time," Jaune stated.
"Because it's an obvious question, dude. Sunny is insatiable in every aspect of life. We like her and all, but sometimes we just need a fucking break, you know? It's just constantly pedal to the metal with her. I can't imagine being her boyfriend."
"Well, you'll be happy to know that it's going good."
"Simp," Mercury said without looking away from the screen.
"Okay, can we talk about how you're totally misusing that word? Because you're totally misusing that word."
"Sounds like something a simp would say."
"Not really. Simping is when you puss out over a girl so hard that it actually starts to negatively affect you. Those guys who spend all their paycheck on LonelyFans are simps. Just having a girlfriend does not make you a simp, which you would know if Emerald actually liked you."
"Oof. Low blow."
"You're not denying it."
Mercury shrugged. "Your banter needs work. Maybe dating Sunny will help with that after all."
"I'm just surprised you two are so good together," Scarlet observed.
"What do you mean by that?" Jaune asked.
"Well… I mean, look at her. She's such a tomboy that for most guys, that's honestly a turn-off."
"Uh, excuse you, but there's no such thing as too much tomboy."
This time, Scarlet shrugged. "I'm gay, so I wouldn't know."
"...Wait, really?"
"Yup. Super gay."
"Huh. Where did that come from?"
"Out of fucking nowhere, if you must know. Kind of just woke up one day and realized it."
"Not the answer I was expecting."
"I know. It almost feels like someone is using my sexuality for cheap brownie points rather than making it an actual part of my character and doing something interesting with it."
"You really think someone would do that? Just take a character and tack on an extra trait that comes out of nowhere solely to appeal to a sycophantic fanbase that only cares about surface-level representation and couldn't give less of a fuck about whether the characters they're getting are actually good characters, or even if the show itself is actually good?"
Scarlet just stared at him, which was all it took for Jaune to realize that his question was kind of stupid.
"Anyway," Neptune said, "let's get on with it. Scarlet, I love you like a brother, but I'm gonna have to ask you to change the subject. Thinking about how poor this writing is makes my head hurt."
"Whatever you say, man. Let's just-"
He was suddenly cut off by a knock at the door, which made all of them freeze, their eyes widening. Mercury suddenly cleared his throat.
"Please tell me one of you assholes ordered pizza."
"Not that I'm aware of," Sage said. "Maybe that one girl you're always hanging out with found us."
"Are you talking about the one with mommy issues, the other one with mommy issues who also likes to set things on fire, or the pint-sized ice cream girl who really likes stabbing people?"
"Yes."
"Look, I'm sure there's a rational explanation for all of this," Jaune began. "I mean, we know that nobody has compromised the sanctity of Guys' Night by blabbing about it to some girl, right?"
They all nodded in agreement… except for one of them. Slowly, they all turned to Neptune, who shrank beneath their gaze.
"Dude..." Scarlet said. "What did you do?"
"...In my defense, she made a very convincing argument," Neptune replied, though his voice was weak with shame.
"Oh, and what argument was that? Did she promise to let you lick her feet or something?"
"If you must know, she asked me where I was going every Friday night."
"That's it?"
"You don't know Weiss the same way I know Weiss, man. You can't just refuse to answer her questions, or even answer them with lies – she will find out that you're hiding something, and it will suck."
"Simp," Mercury accused. "Just for that, you can stay at Beacon when Cinder burns it to the ground."
With a frustrated huff, Jaune pushed past the others and moved over to the door. Painstakingly undoing every single lock and deadbolt, he opened the door, coming face-to-face with Weiss.
"What do you want?" he asked, his voice blunt.
Weiss blinked, surprised at the tone he was taking with her. "If you must know, I'm here for-"
"Neptune?"
"Uh, yes. How did you-"
"Just get in the room."
Weiss did as she was told, though it was with no small amount of suspicion. She stepped past Jaune, entering the room and looking around.
"What is this?" she asked. "It just looks like you turned an old dorm room into one big… what's the term? Man cave?"
"That is exactly the term, thank you," Mercury said.
"...I'm sorry, who are you? I don't think I've seen you around."
Mercury opened his mouth, likely to say something obscene, but thankfully Scarlet beat him to the punch.
"Look, can you just do what you came here to do and then go? Guys' Night is a very sacred thing."
"Sacred how?" Weiss asked. "It just looks like you're sitting around, playing video games, eating junk food, and drinking beer. Speaking of which, isn't Beacon a dry campus?"
"Supposedly," Sage answered. "But let's be honest, we all know that Goodwitch has at least a few wine coolers hidden under her desk, so that rule was broken long before we got here. We're just carrying on the tradition."
Weiss didn't even bother to argue with that, apparently seeing the logic in it. Instead, she turned to Neptune.
"Anyway, I just wanted to make sure you weren't getting up to no good," she said. "When I heard that you were getting together with the rest of your team, I figured it was only going to lead to shenanigans."
"Well, that's where you're wrong – Sunny isn't here, so shenanigans will be few and far between," Jaune said. "Speaking of which, please don't tell her I'm here."
"Why not? I think she'd be happy to know where you're sneaking off to for several hours every week."
Well, that was a problem. Good thing Jaune had a solution for it.
"Everyone, quick – Plan W!"
They all sprang into action immediately, dogpiling Weiss. She didn't get a chance to do anything before they had shoved a beer in one hand, a controller in the other, and a buffalo wing into her mouth. Weiss was about to let go of it all when Jaune pulled out his scroll and snapped a picture of her. As soon as he had saved the picture to his scroll, she managed to get rid of it all, even wiping the buffalo sauce off her face before glaring at him.
"What was that?!"
"Our insurance policy," Jaune stated.
"Insurance against what?!"
"Against you revealing the secrets of Guys' Night. If you talk about this to anyone, this picture gets pasted all across the Beacon forums. And given your reputation as the prim-and-proper heiress, I assure you it will go viral."
"And what if I use my unholy amounts of money to try and wipe it from the DustNet before it can go viral?"
"The DustNet never forgets, Weiss. It's like that one executive who keeps issuing automated takedown notices on every copy of that video of his daughter doing facial abuse porn – you can try to stop it, but once it's on the DustNet, it's on there forever. Also, you underestimate just how much of a troll Mercury is. He's been banned from the Beacon forums like eight times already."
"And they'll have to try a lot harder than that to get me," Mercury interjected. "I have seventy alternative accounts."
Weiss actually seemed somewhat disturbed at his dedication before shaking it off. "...Really?" she asked. "You're seriously going to issue me an ultimatum just to keep this dumb secret?"
"Yes," Jaune said bluntly.
Weiss glared at him, crossing her arms over her chest. "This is stupid, but fine, I suppose I have no choice but to go along with it unless I want my reputation ruined."
Jaune didn't have the heart to tell her that losing to that no-name White Fang guy with the chainsaw had already ruined her reputation, so instead he just nodded.
"Well, that's all taken care of," Scarlet said. "So, if you don't mind?"
Weiss' eyes narrowed, but she nodded. "Very well, I suppose I can leave you all now. Oh, and Neptune?"
Neptune started sweating.
"You'll get yours," Weiss promised.
And with that, she left them, slamming the door behind her. Sage redid all the locks and deadbolts before turning back to them, while Neptune collapsed into a nearby chair.
"Fuck me..." he wheezed. "I'm in for it now..."
"Oh, come on," Mercury said, rolling his eyes. "It's Weiss. The fuck is she going to do, force you to take a shower?"
"Maybe."
"Ha! Ah, that's rich. Man, you have got to get over this fear of yours."
"Dude, not cool," Jaune said.
"What? It's not like-"
There was another knock at the door, which once again caused them all to freeze. After a moment, Sage sighed.
"It's probably Weiss. What should I say?"
"Tell her to fuck off unless she has pizza, in which case take the pizza and then tell her to fuck off," Scarlet replied.
"Dude, it's Weiss. I doubt she even knows what pizza is."
Moving over to the door while the others talked, Jaune again undid the ludicrous amount of locks, intending to give Weiss a piece of his mind. Unfortunately, it wasn't Weiss at the door. Hell, it wasn't even Goodwitch. Rather, it was someone much, much worse.
"Yo, my man!" Sunny said. She lifted up her tail, which was holding a six pack of beer. "Let me in, I brought brewskies."
"Oh, what the effing fuck?" Neptune moaned. "Jaune, did you seriously invite another girl?"
"No," Jaune answered. "Sunny, how did you find us?"
"It wasn't hard," she said. "I happened to catch Weiss storming away from here and decided that if there was something that pissed her off, it was probably a good time, and that I should check it out. So I wandered the halls until I smelled buffalo wings, then decided I would knock and see if I couldn't trade some beer I found for a few of them. Imagine my surprise when you opened the door." She peered past him. "What is this, some kind of guys' night? Oh, hell yeah! Count me in!"
She pushed her way past Jaune, settling into what used to be his seat before kicking her legs up and looking at the TV. "Oh, sweet! I haven't played Infection in ages. Someone pass me a controller."
Wordlessly, the others all turned to glare at Jaune, and he shrank beneath their gazes.
Somehow, he could just tell that he wasn't going to be invited to Guys' Night anymore.
It had been a week since the disaster that was Guys' Night, and predictably, Jaune hadn't been invited back. Honestly, he could understand why – at this point, him and Sunny were basically a package deal, and since the guys had set up the group specifically to get away from Sunny… yeah he understood completely.
Unfortunately, with his Fridays now empty, that meant that he was now forced to hang out with Sunny's friends instead.
"Why did you bring me here?" Jaune asked.
"Oh, lighten up," Sunny whispered back. "This is great."
On a certain level, she was right – somehow, Sunny had managed to gather up all the muscular girls on campus and put them together in a social group of some kind. There were a few he recognized – Pyrrha, Nora, and Yang – but there were also a few oddballs, like that Arslan girl and…
He paused, then tapped Sunny's shoulder to get her attention. "Hey, who's the stacked brunette in the sexy uniform?"
"Oh, her? I think her name is Elm or something."
"Why is she here? She looks a bit old to be a student."
"I don't know, I found her wandering the halls with a bunch of other guys in uniform and asked if she wanted to do something actually fun for once. Also, don't judge – that girl from Haven looks a few years too old to be a student, but nobody holds it against her."
Well, she had him there, even if he was still a bit confused.
Sunny suddenly clapped her hands. "Well, now that we're all here, we can begin. So, what's tonight's topic?"
"Pleasing your man," Nora said excitedly.
Jaune had to resist the urge to groan. Of course it would be some typical girly shit he had no interest in. Hell, the only reason he was even here was because the guys had kicked him out and Sunny knew it, so she saw fit to drag him here just so he wouldn't be alone on a Friday night.
God, that'd be pathetic.
Anyway, the point was that as much as he hated it, he was stuck in this absolute estrogen fest for at least a few hours. Lucky him.
"Okay, I have a question," Yang said. She pointed to him. "Why is he here? He's violating the sanctity of Girls' Night."
Wow, how ironic. Can't wait to see how Sunny fucks this up for me now.
"He's here because his friends kicked him out of Guys' Night, because he violated the sanctity of that, too," Sunny replied.
Jaune couldn't help but roll his eyes at how she conveniently left out the fact that she was the primary impetus for him being kicked out.
"Anyway, I'm in charge of this group, so I say that he stays. Anyone have a problem with that?"
A few of them looked like they did, but nobody actually cared enough to argue with her. Suddenly seeming very validated, Sunny grinned before taking a seat.
"Right, then. Tonight's topic is, like Nora said, on how to please your man."
"Quick question," Pyrrha said. "Why did you invite me here? I'm single."
"Not for long, you aren't – I've seen you in the showers. The only reason you're still single is because you're so hot it's intimidating. But don't you worry, the right guy will come along."
For some reason, that just seemed to make Pyrrha even more depressed, though only he noticed it.
"Anyway, even if it's not applicable now, it'll be good to know later on," Sunny insisted. "Girls like us, we have to take special measures to make sure that our men don't end up broken when we're done with them."
"What, you mean like extra layers of protection?"
"No. Look around you, Pyrrha – what do we all have in common?"
"...Most of us are single?"
Sunny actually facepalmed. "No. ...Okay, well, yes, but still no. No, what we all have in common is simple: we're hot women that are all very muscular. We're basically amazons. Regular men don't stand a chance in bed with us if we're not careful, so-"
"Yeah, but who wants a regular man?" Nora asked. "We're Huntresses, we don't fuck with your average guy. Why would we when we're in a school filled entirely with extremely fit people who all look like supermodels and can kick insane amounts of ass? They all have aura, so bedroom shenanigans should be more than okay with them."
"Look, just humor me, okay?"
"Can I point something out?" Yang quickly added.
Sunny sighed tiredly. "Okay, sure."
"You keep talking about men, but I'm pretty sure I'm gay."
"...You're 'pretty sure' you're gay? That seems like something you'd be certain about."
Yang shrugged. "It comes and it goes depending on my proximity to Blake."
"Hang on," Pyrrha said. "Weren't you attracted to men earlier? I'm pretty sure I heard you mentioning to Ruby during orientation that you thought some guys were hot."
"I know, it's weird. It's almost like nobody put any thought into this shit and they've just decided to use my sexuality as a way to get cheap brownie points with the most toxic and vocal portion of the entire fandom, but which ultimately is a minority of the fandom, and which will almost certainly leave to find greener pastures once it's confirmed that me and the girl who's totally not just the manifestation of a lesbian Oedipus complex given how much she resembles my mom, are actually fucking each other. And then the writers are going to wonder where they went wrong, when the truth is that they went wrong by listening to those idiots in the first place, when they should have told them to fuck off and instead just done their own thing. Like, if you want to add a gay character then fine, add a gay character, but trying to please the most outspoken and un-pleasable part of your fanbase by making it clear that you're doing it specifically for them is just going to end in disaster, especially when everyone else is just cringing at your awful attempts at hamfisted representation that ultimately go nowhere and only serve to cheapen the addition of a gay character by making their sexuality the most important thing about them rather than making them an interesting character in the first place and treating their sexuality as ultimately just another facet of a multifaceted, genuinely interesting character."
Everyone gave her a blank stare. She shrugged. "...Or something like that. Don't know; had one Strawberry Sunrise too many before coming here. I tend to get a bit philosophical when that happens."
"Beacon is a dry campus," Elm pointed out.
"What are you, my dad? Talk about being a stick in the mud. Then again, I can see from your uniform that you're from Atlas, so that's probably to be expected. Has Ironwood shot any children recently?"
Before Elm could respond, Sunny cleared her throat.
"Well, Blake is sort of built like a twig, save for her trash compactor of an ass," she pointed out. "I'm pretty sure she'd appreciate not being broken in half when you two actually go to do the dirty… I mean, assuming you ever actually do it and the writers don't just string everyone along the entire time before confirming it at the end of the series."
Seriously, it's been how long in Atlas and we've barely even gotten a scene with Yang and Blake together? And RT expects us to believe these two have a deep connection with each other. I haven't seen a pairing this forced and done this poorly since the ending of The Legend of Korra.
"Alright, I guess," Yang replied.
"Okay, so the first thing I have to know is what you all know about pleasing your man in bed," Sunny said.
"Wait, does it have to be-"
"No, it doesn't have to be a man, but since I have no experience with girls, I'm just going to talk about what I know."
"...Alright, fair enough. Anyway, what I know about pleasing a man..." Yang shrugged. "Not much, but I'm pretty sure they like having their nipples rubbed."
Jaune just stared at her incredulously. Yang seemed to realize this, as she turned to him.
"What?" she asked. "Something in my teeth?"
"No, I just…" Jaune shook his head. "...I'm sorry, but what you just said makes no sense. Because I'm a guy, and I can confidently say that my nipples are not an erogenous zone."
"Okay, but do you actively dislike having them rubbed, or do you just not care?"
"...I guess I just don't care? It really doesn't feel like anything."
"Cool, then my point still stands."
Exasperated, Jaune just sat back in his seat and let Sunny take over.
"Ah, okay," Sunny said. "So, guys may or may not like having their nipples rubbed. Pyrrha, add it to the list."
"Oh, I'm keeping a list?" Pyrrha asked.
"Yeah, is that okay? I figured you'd be the best choice to take notes, since you're both the best student out of all of us and because you have absolutely no experience with this kind of thing."
Jaune couldn't help but wince at that, especially when he saw how it suddenly ruined Pyrrha's mood and nobody else seemed to care. Truly being Pyrrha was nothing but pain. Moment of silence for RWBY's very own patron saint of loneliness.
Like seriously, she even basically got martyred like a saint. There's a new headcanon for you, I guess.
"Oh, I've got one!" Nora said excitedly. "Ren really, really likes it when you pour syrup over him and lick it off all sensual-like."
Sunny raised an eyebrow. "Does Ren like it, or does he only pretend to like it because you like it?"
"What's the difference? A happy Nora is a happy Ren, and he knows it."
Well, that wasn't vaguely concerning at all. Suddenly Jaune was worried about Ren turning out to be the battered wife of the relationship.
And of course, the rest of the women didn't seem to care at all.
"Okay, so we've got nipple rubbing and syrup," Sunny said with a nod. "Anything else?"
"Sparring," Elm spoke up.
Everyone turned to look at her, surprised. "Sparring?" Pyrrha asked.
"Yeah, sparring. Like as foreplay."
"Okay, I'll admit that I love fighting, but I never really thought of that," Yang admitted. "So, how does it work? Do you two beat each other up and then that leads into a night of passion?"
"You all don't get it," Elm said, shaking her head. "It's sparring as foreplay, so it's sparring done in a very specific way."
"What, like naked sparring?" Sunny asked. "Sounds hot."
"Kind of. Here, let me spell it out for you: so, it starts with one of those disposable blue tarps laid out on the ground, right?"
For some reason, Jaune felt a wave of terror wash over him. Wherever this went, it wasn't going to be good.
"Right, so the tarp goes down," Elm continued. "After that, you both have to completely shave everything except your heads. I mean everything – every little shred of body hair has to go. I'm talking pubes, armpit hair, those little hairs some people get on the middle digits of their fingers, all of it. It all has to be gone, or it won't work."
"Where are you going with this?" Yang asked, sounding equally as disturbed as she did curious.
"You'll see," Elm promised. "Once you're both shaved, the coconut oil comes out. You both have to oil each other up pretty thoroughly, or it won't work."
Well, this is already awful, Jaune thought to himself. There's no way it can get worse than this.
"After the oil comes the lube."
I stand corrected.
"Both of you have to get yourselves lubed up, in every hole. Every hole. It's all fair game."
"Even on the guy?" Pyrrha couldn't help but ask.
"Every. Hole."
Swallowing nervously, Pyrrha made a note of that. Meanwhile, Jaune started looking around for an escape route.
"With that, the preparations are complete," Elm stated. "From there, the sparring can begin."
"It sounds more like a naked oil wrestling match than sparring," Sunny pointed out.
"That's sparring as foreplay for you. The end result is the same, in any case – you're both dirty, exhausted, and satisfied."
"You've clearly put a lot of thought into this."
"More than you'd think, but less than you'd hope."
Jaune had to bite his tongue to keep from pointing out that her sentence made zero sense in context. Something told him that he'd just be opening himself up to a world of pain. That tended to happen whenever you back-talked to a muscular military woman with an absolutely insane sexual fantasy.
At least, he hoped it was just a fantasy. He shuddered to imagine someone actually going through that.
"Well," Sunny said, "I, for one, am absolutely down. It sounds masculine as hell."
Jaune actually did groan this time. Of course this was something Sunny was into, and of course she was into it for a really dumb reason.
"Look, can we not?" Jaune begged. "Usually I'm game to sit down and go along with whatever bedroom shenanigans you want me to, but please, please don't actually drag me into this one."
Sunny blinked. "...What's the matter, man?"
"Just think about it, Sunny. Really think about it. What about this seems appealing to you?"
"Dude, it's literally the most awesome thing you could ever do for sex. It's like naked mud wrestling but infinitely hotter, and I know for a fact you're into naked mud wrestling."
"Yeah, when it's two girls doing it."
"Well I'm not about to cheat on you, so this is the next best thing. C'mon, if you try it, you'll like it."
"You have no way of knowing that."
"Is that a challenge?"
"No, it's-"
"Oh, well challenge accepted, then." Turning to Nora, she said, "Go get a disposable blue tarp, some lube, some coconut oil, and some razors and shaving cream."
"Oh, shit!" Nora said. "It's happening! Pyrrha, get the camera!"
"Don't actually get the camera," Jaune said. For some reason she seemed disappointed by that. "And, for that matter, it's not happening."
"Why is that?" Sunny asked, putting a hand on her hip. "Afraid I'll kick your butt?"
"No, I'm afraid of something going up it."
"So you are afraid I'll kick your butt."
"No, I'm not."
"Why not?"
Even he could see that was a trick question, but fuck it, that wasn't going to stop him from walking right into it.
"Sunny, as muscular as you are, I think I've got the advantage here in sheer size."
"So, you're saying you think you'd win?"
"I'm saying I don't think you could kick my butt."
"Then you should have no problems actually doing this, then."
"I don't-"
"Do it or no balls."
Well, she had him there. He couldn't exactly back out of it now – his masculinity was at stake.
"...Fine," he conceded. "Pyrrha, hold my underwear. I'm going in."
"H-hold your what?!" Pyrrha exclaimed, as both Jaune and Sunny began to strip down. She flushed red when Jaune was finally down to just his skivvies, and just about had a nosebleed when he pulled them off and tossed them at her.
Hey, he may have been an absolute nerd, but he had seen Sunny naked enough times and done enough crazy shit with her to not care who saw him without clothes.
"Damn, Vomit Boy," Yang said with a whistle. "Looking good."
Jaune raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were gay."
"Not until Volume 4."
He didn't even bother to ask her what she meant by that, instead looking over at Sunny, who had finally succeeded in pulling off the stupid fucking bandages wrapped around her chest, leaving her just as naked as him. He cast a glance down at the pile of clothes next to her, frowning as he did so.
"Are those my boxers again?"
"They're mine now," Sunny replied.
Oh, it was on now. Insulting his masculinity was one thing, but continuing to steal his underwear without his permission? This girl was asking for it.
Nora came back in record time, carting along everything Sunny had asked for. She threw the tarp down as Sunny and Jaune started to shave all their body hair off, both of them staring each other down the entire time. Once that was done, they oiled themselves up and stepped into the ring.
"Ladies and gentleman," Yang announced, "this will truly be one for the ages. In this corner, we've got the tomboy to end all tomboys, the villainess from Vacuo, it's Sunny Wukong!"
Sunny flexed a bicep at that, pushing out her chest in the process. Nora played some canned applause from her scroll for her.
"And in this corner," Yang said, motioning to him. "We've got the blue-eyed playboy himself, the beleaguered blonde who's always forced to go along with his girlfriend's dumbass schemes no matter how stupid they are, it's Jaune Arc!"
This time, Nora played a chorus of boos from her scroll. Jaune shot her a questioning look, and she just shrugged. "Us girls have to stick together."
Well, that fucking figured. Just for that, he was going to replace her syrup with the sugar-free stuff.
"Begin!" Yang shouted.
Both Sunny and Jaune took a step forward… and that was as far as they got before the door to the room swung open. All of them turned to see who it was, only to come face-to-face with a dumbstruck Glynda Goodwitch. She stared at the scene in front of her before blinking once, then looking away, her face flushing crimson.
"...I'm not even going to ask what's going on in here," she said. "I already know it's nothing good."
"If you must know, it's a naked wrestling match that's being used as foreplay between these two idiots," Yang stated.
"Yes, I figured it was something degenerate, I just wasn't sure."
"So, I take it you're here to stop the fun?"
"Actually, I was here specifically to put a stop to whatever Miss Valkyrie was planning. I happened to see her running through the halls with sex lube earlier and figured that nothing good was going to happen, and that I ought to hit her with a pre-emptive semester of detention. Now I can see that I'm going to have to hit you all with it."
"But we haven't even done anything yet!" Sunny protested.
"You're naked in front of me, which is more than enough."
"What about the rest of us?" Yang asked.
"You're encouraging them, which is just as bad."
"I don't even go to this school," Elm pointed out.
Glynda simply glared at her in response, which was more than enough to get her to back down. With that done, Glynda pushed her glasses back up.
"Now then, I expect all this to be cleaned up," she said. "And don't even think about actually doing it, or else."
With that, she turned and walked away. Everyone watched her go for a moment before sighing heavily. Sunny looked over to him and shrugged.
"Well, I'm horny," she said. "Want to go back to the room and fuck?"
"As long as Elm isn't involved in any way," he replied.
Hey, he may have just earned himself a semester's worth of detentions, but even he knew better than to pass up on free poon with a hot tomboy.
Just another day in the life of dating Sunny, he supposed.
Not much to say here, other than how could you not love Sun? It's a shame the books absolutely butchered his character and turned him into a huge asshole. Past that, I honestly have nothing else. See you all in two weeks.
Next update: Saturday, January 23.