Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 32: Vernal, or: Raven Part 2

Coming back to Beacon had certainly been a very awkward affair. Granted, it was always going to be awkward considering that Jaune now had a baby in tow along with a not-quite-babysitter, but still, nothing can really prepare a man for having to face his friend whose mom he impregnated..

Thankfully, Yang had a huge soft spot for babies, so she was only mad about it for as long as it took her to actually see Jaune's baby. From there, it was all over for her.

Now, it was a few weeks after his arrival back at Beacon. Somehow he had ended up being put back on the same team in his second year, probably because he had learned that Glynda Goodwitch also had a soft spot for babies and was absolute putty in his hands so lung as he let her see Robin for a bit every day. And since she was the one who called the shots around Beacon, it hadn't taken much effort to get her to put him back on as team leader of JNPR.

So here he was, back with his team, with his daughter there with him. On a certain level, it was odd to think about, but fuck it, he could make this work, especially since he had dragged Vernal along for the ride.

And speaking of Vernal…

Someone punched him in the shoulder, instantly causing him to jolt up in his bed. He wiped the sleep from his eyes, looking over to see who had punched him.

Not that he had to wonder, because there was only one person who woke him up like that on a regular basis.

"Vernal…? What's going on?"

"Goodwitch sent a message," she replied. "She wants to see the kid first thing in the morning."

Jaune blinked, then looked over at the clock. "...It's like four in the morning. Why did she send the message now?"

"Hell if I know. What do I look like, some kind of Nondescript Winter Holiday-cake mind reader?"

"I mean, you are a woman. I figured that you of all people would know how a woman's mind works."

"Yeah, but I'm not an old maid like Goodwitch is. Just because seeing your kid has made her motherly instincts go into absolute overdrive, that doesn't mean I understand it."

"It's almost like you don't actually like the kid."

"I don't, mainly because she's your kid and I'm stuck helping you look after her."

"You could always just leave, you know."

"And risk incurring Raven's wrath if and when she comes back? No thanks. Now hurry the fuck up and tell me what you need me to do to help care for the kid so I can fu- er, fricking sleep already."

Jaune thought for a moment. Obviously, it was probably a very bad idea to let the girl who confessed to not liking his daughter care for his daughter… but honestly, he needed a fucking break. Being a single dad was bad enough, being a single dad to an infant was even worse. And it wasn't like Vernal was stupid enough to risk actually mistreating Robin, because if she did that and Raven actually did come back, there would be hell to pay.

"I think she's okay, actually," Jaune said. "She's not crying, so I assume she's asleep. Honestly, from what my mom has told me, you're fine as long as the baby isn't crying."

Vernal nodded in understanding. "...Alright. Let me know if you need anything."

With that, she went back to her bed in the corner of the room. Jaune watched her go before shrugging, then getting back into bed and climbing under his covers.

He was just in time for Robin to wake up and start crying.

Everyone else in the room sat up in bed, rubbing their eyes and groaning. Jaune was on his feet in a moment, strolling over to Robin's crib.

"Sorry, guys," he said. "I'll take her out. You can all go back to sleep."

They all grumbled under their breath at that, and Jaune gave them all an apologetic look as he picked his daughter up and bundled her close to his chest. Softly whispering a lullaby to her, he stepped over to the door and swung it open. In the process, he happened to catch Vernal's gaze. She was looking at him oddly, with an almost longing gaze on her face as her gaze drifted to Robin. Seeing it, Jaune rolled his eyes.

Great, now she's got a daddy problem in addition to her mommy problem.

With that, he stepped out the door, cradling his daughter close to his chest.

"Oh my Gods, she's the cutest thing in the world!"

Jaune sighed. "Yes, Weiss. You say that every day."

"But really, she is! How did someone like her come from you?"

"I ask myself that question every day, honestly."

"It's the Branwen genes," Yang said. "Gotta be."

"You're the last person I'd expect to go to bat for your mom."

"I'm not going to bat for my mom, I'm going to bat for my new half-sister. She's cute; my mom is a… well, I'd say what she is, but there's a child present, so..."

"Wait, what does that make her in relation to me?" Ruby questioned. "I mean, Yang is my half-sister, but what does that make Robin?"

"...Nothing, I think?" Blake said. "I mean, it sucks to admit, but neither one of them is actually related to you by blood."

Ruby pouted at that, which caused Jaune to reach over and put a hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay, Ruby. You can be Robin's godmother if you want."

"Uh, excuse me, but no," Weiss said. "I'm going to be her godmother, thank you very much."

"Oh, you wish." Ruby rolled her eyes. "Weiss, she's my sort-of, almost, not-quite half-sister. I think that gives me a greater claim to the title of godmother than you."

"Children," came a malicious-sounding voice from behind them. Their blood freezing in their veins, all of them turned around to find nothing less than a demon glaring at them, the sheer malice seeming to almost leak from her eyes. The demon in question – none other than Glynda Goodwitch – pushed up her glasses. "Let's not fool ourselves – we all know I will be little Robin's godmother."

"How about I just let you all be her godmother?" Jaune asked.

"Oh," Weiss said, deflating. "Can you do that?"

"I mean, I guess? I don't think there are any rules against it or anything."

"Rules kind of went out the window when you impregnated my mom," Yang grumbled.

"I still don't get why you're so mad about that. It's not like you were going to do it. Plus, she's barely even your mom at this point."

"That's beside the point."

"What is the point?"

"The point is that her irrational obsession with her long-lost mother, one which borders on an Oedipus complex, is supposed to make up an integral part of her character," Blake pointed out. "Think about it – everyone here has some higher purpose for being here except for Yang. Weiss is here to get away from her family; I'm here to right the wrongs I committed while in the White Fang; Ruby is here because she wants to follow in her mother's footsteps and help people. Yang is here because… well, because she wants to find out more about her mom and also support her sister. Not exactly the loftiest of goals, but they're at least something, which is enough to make her work."

Everyone stated at her. After a moment, she shrugged. "Hey, I read books. I know how these things work."

"...Okay, sure," Jaune said. "Anyway, where were we, before Blake interrupted us with whatever the hell that unnecessary and out-of-place garbage was?"

"Do not swear in front of that precious child!" Glynda chastised.

"What are you, my mom?"

"No, but I am that child's new godmother, and I will do what it takes to protect her from your degeneracy."

"Bit late for that, considering how she was made. Trust me, you don't want to know. It involves a bathtub, alcohol, and a slew of bad decisions."

"Sounds like Raven's average Tuesday night," Yang remarked.

"I wouldn't exactly call it an average Tuesday, but it's not far off."

"Good Gods, I can't take it anymore!" Vernal declared, standing up and slamming her hands on the table.

"What's the problem, Vernal?" Jaune asked.

"You! You are the problem, Jaune!"

"Really? I thought for sure that all these RWBY girls were the problem. Not sure why, I just did."

"You're all the problem! Every single one of you! I'm absolutely surrounded by idiots!"

"Hear, hear," Weiss remarked.

"Oh, don't think you're exempt, Schnee! You're one of the biggest idiots out of all of them!"

"Okay," Jaune said. "Calm down, Vernal. Take a few deep breaths and tell me specifically what your issue is."

"My issue… you want to know my fucking issue? Oh, I'll tell you." She took a deep breath. "I followed you here because I had to, because I didn't want to risk Raven coming back and seeing that I'd let you run off and do something stupid, because then I'd get the blame for it. So I followed you here to make sure you and your kid both lived. Little did I know that Beacon was an absolute madhouse, filled with the stupidest people Remnant has ever seen! Look at yourselves – all you do is sit around and talk about nothing all day, occasionally cracking a joke or sniping at each other with petty remarks! What is this?! How does this benefit any of you in any way?! What, is this fun for you or something?"

"I mean, yeah." Yang shrugged. "It's kind of a good way to burn off steam when you're not busy fighting Grimm."

"What Grimm?! I've been here for weeks and I have yet to see any of you kill a single Grimm! All you do all day is this and school! This is a school about nothing! Jaune, why are you even here?!"

"Because my friends are here," he replied.

"But your friends are all idiots!"

"Yes, but they're my idiots."

"I resent that remark," Blake said. "Some of us are well-read."

"Just you and Weiss, and Weiss is debatable, because she's rich in dollars and poor in sense."

"Poor in sense how?" Weiss asked.

"You didn't know how to do your own laundry when you first came here. You needed Ruby's help with that. Then you freaked out when she touched your underwear."

"You're doing it again, you morons!" Vernal shouted. "Stop that!"

"Stop what?"

"Having conversations about nothing! They are so obnoxious – they're not funny, and because they're about nothing, I can never tell when one conversation ends and the next one begins! It's just an endless stream of garbage that flows into more garbage, over and over again, until some stupid shenanigans happen to break the flow! Then we deal with the shenanigans and the stupid meaningless conversations continue! Well, I've had it! No more! It's time I do something about it!"

"And what would that be?" Jaune asked.

"This!"

Before he could do anything, Vernal leaned over and grabbed him by the shirt collar, roughly pulling him to his feet. He had no time to react before she roughly pressed her lips against his. Stunned, he could only sit there as Vernal absolutely went to town on his mouth, pushing her tongue inside and running it over his teeth, panting like a wild animal the entire time. It was… it was hot.

It was also over far sooner than he liked, with Vernal eventually breaking the kiss after about a solid minute of non-stop tongue action. The two of them stood there, a thin trail of saliva connecting them, both of them completely out of breath.

"Geez..." Jaune muttered. "What… what was that for?"

"I needed to do something to break the cycle," Vernal replied. "I couldn't take the mindless conversations anymore."

"Well, message received, I guess. So, with that out of the way-"

"Oh, no you don't!"

"Don't what?"

"Leave me like that! Nobody kisses me and just walks away!"

"You're the one who kissed me!"

"Oh, details! Anyway, we're not done!"

"What else did you have in mind, then?"

The dangerous gleam in her eye should have told him everything he needed to know. Slowly, she turned to look over to where Ruby, Weiss, and Glynda were standing.
"Look after the kid, you three."

"For how long?" Weiss asked.

"As long as it takes. Because I'm about to resolve all this sexual tension in the best possible way, and I don't know how many hours I'm going to need."

If it was Raven, Jaune would have immediately started to run. But here, with Vernal, after that kiss and after not getting any ever since Raven had left?

...Yeah, he could do this. Not that he was going to get a choice in the matter, because Vernal took him by the hand and started to drag him back to his room.

"Not that I'm complaining," Jaune began as she threw open the door and roughly shoved him inside, "but isn't this pretty sudden? I haven't even bought you dinner first."

"There won't be any dinner, but there will be plenty of eating going on, trust me," she replied. "Now, pants off… Daddy."

And just like that, his resolve went out the window. Frowning, Jaune couldn't help but cough. "S-sorry. For a second there, I thought you called me-"

"Daddy. And I did call you Daddy."

"Ah. Any particular reason why?"

"Jaune, I'm a bandit raised in a tribe of hicks. I can't even remember which of those deadbeats is actually my real father. I've been palling around with Raven Branwen to the point where she's basically my surrogate mother, even though she thinks I'm annoying and really only likes me slightly more than her actual biological daughter… well, daughters now, I suppose. You get the idea. Point is, not only is it basically normal for me to develop a daddy fetish from those circumstances, it's probably expected. Now, be honest: is this a deal breaker for you or not?"

"...No, it's not."

"Good, because I'm about to rock your world."

And she did… though he just wished she'd stop using the D-word every few seconds.

The sex, as it turned out, wasn't bad at all. Predictably, Vernal was the exact opposite of the stereotypical warrior bandit girl from all the shitty books Blake read, which is to say that she wasn't actually a bottom. She was, in fact, quite the top.

Then again, he probably should have expected that given that her mentor was Raven.

I wonder if those two ever banged. Probably not considering that I'm pretty sure I'm the only asshole dumb enough to fuck Raven Branwen in the last seventeen years or so.

At least he got a cute daughter out of it.

Next to him, Vernal was lying on the bed with her hands clasped behind her head, looking up at the ceiling with a very satisfied look on her face. Jaune debated asking her the question that was on his mind before eventually deciding to just go for it.

"Hey," he said, getting her attention. "What does this make us?"

"Come on, you can't be that stupid," Vernal replied.

"Oh, excuse me if I'm a bit confused by all this. It's not every day that a guy just randomly has a girl decide to fuck him."

"Your entire love life has literally been girls just randomly deciding to fuck you. First it was Raven, then it was me."

"...Okay, point taken. But still, this isn't exactly something that men have happen to them often. Hell, this whole thing still feels like a fever dream, or like I'm stuck in some kind of shitty romantic comedy."

"What's your point, Jaune?"

"My point is that I'd really like to know where this puts us."

"How about this," Vernal said. "You mentioned earlier that you thought I was moving a little too fast, because you hadn't even bought me dinner yet. Am I remembering that right?"

"You are."

"Okay, then let's start with dinner somewhere and go from there. Obviously I had a great time with you just now, and I'm down to keep the good times rolling. Whether that's as actual partners or as friends with benefits works fine for me. It's just a matter of figuring out which one is better."

"...I suppose I can work with that," Jaune said. "How's Atlesian-"

"Gross! If you take me to an Atlesian restaurant, I will kick the absolute shit out of you."

"Mistralian, then. Got it."

"It better not be one of those fancy restaurants where I have to dress nice."

"It's Mistralian food, Vernal. They eat with sticks in there."

"Good, because I don't have any nice clothes anymore. Because, you know, you used them for diapers. Speaking of which, maybe I should have had you buy me new clothes instead of take me out."

"Given that you're a bandit, that probably would have been better for both of us – your definition of 'nice clothes' is anything that you happen to steal, because at least it didn't require you to skin a deer first."

"Oh, you know me so well! Tell you what – if we ever get married, we can make nice clothes be part of the dowry you pay to me."

"I thought that it was the wife who paid a dowry to the husband."

"Not the way I do it."

"I already regret this."

"Too bad." She suddenly sat up in bed, then rolled over so that she was straddling him. "Now, ready for round two?"

Well, with an offer like that, how could he refuse?

As it turned out, Jaune made a serious error in bringing Vernal to a nice restaurant.

"What do you mean you won't serve me beer?"

The waiter, much to his credit, seemed unflustered by Vernal's sudden dark tone. "Miss, you are underaged. By law, I cannot serve you alcohol."

"Whose laws?"

"Vale's."

"That's stupid. Serve me beer before I start breaking things."

"Excuse me, sir," Jaune said, getting the waiter's attention. "She'll have a root beer. You do have that, right?"

"Indeed, we do."

"Good, that'll work."

The waiter, seeing his chance to leave, took it. He was gone for about two seconds before Vernal turned back to him.

"The fuck did you just do?"

"I got you beer," Jaune answered.

"Yeah, but how? I thought he was going to be an absolute stiff and refuse to serve it to me because of laws or some dumb shit."

"Oh, he was. But it turns out that knowing the proper way to order things in Vale actually comes in handy."

"And the proper way to order beer in Vale is to ask for a root beer?"

He nodded. "Yup."

"What is a root beer, anyway?"

"It's beer fresh from the root."

"...Beer comes from roots?"

"It sure does."

The waiter came back at that time, saving Jaune from another awkward explanation, much to his relief. He popped the cap on the bottle, then handed it to Vernal before taking his leave. Vernal looked at it apprehensively before grabbing the bottle and drinking deeply of it. For just a moment, Jaune was afraid that she'd complain about it… only for her eyes to light up, and for her to immediately drain the bottle before slamming the empty glass on the table.

"Hey, waiter!" she called. "Another beer from the root! And keep 'em coming if you know what's good for you!"

Jaune winced, knowing that his wallet was going to hate him in the morning.

I just hope she doesn't eat the same way she drinks, because if she does, I might just end the night with a maxed-out credit card in addition to an empty wallet.

As if she could read his mind, Vernal immediately drained another bottle of root beer, while Jaune could only watch in horror at the impending damage to his finances, as well as the thought of Vernal having to deal with the kidney stones that would come from drinking so much soda so quickly.

But it was worth it to keep her from getting arrested for property damage, he supposed.

"So," Jaune said, figuring the best way to get his mind off the fact that Vernal was sucking down his money the same way Yang sucked down Strawberry Sunrises or Blake sucked down tuna, "I figured we'd try to get to know each other a bit more. I mean, I know that we know each other, but we don't really know each other, you know?"
Vernal just looked at him like he had grown a second head. Jaune blinked before continuing. "...So, uh, got any hobbies?"

"Fighting," Vernal instantly replied.

"Cool, cool. Any other hobbies?"

"Eating."

"...Any other hobbies?"

"Drinking."

"...Uh, any-"

"If you ask me what my other hobbies are, I will break this bottle over your head," Vernal threatened.

Jaune immediately shut up, knowing that she never bluffed when it came to threats of physical violence. Shay D. Mann learned that the hard way when she had threatened to almost castrate him if he touched her underwear again.

In her defense, that near-castration was totally warranted. Nobody likes Shay D. Mann, anyway. I'm pretty sure the only reason Raven even keeps him around is to laugh at his name whenever she's in a drunken stupor… I mean, that's what she would do, if she wasn't shacked up with some fuckboy farmer in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, Mistral.

"Look, my hobbies and shit like that aren't important," Vernal said. "I just want to know if you're as much of a bitch as you seem to be."

"I'm sorry, what?" Jaune couldn't help but ask.

"You heard me. Ever since you've gotten back to Beacon, you've been acting like a huge bitch. You let your friends walk all over you, especially Nora, Weiss, and Yang. What happened to the guy from Raven's tribe, the one who didn't take shit from anyone and wasn't afraid to put people in their place?"

"That guy lost Raven, who was basically his big stick. Now he is forced to merely speak softly, lest he incur the wrath of one of the many females in this school who can kick his ass six ways from Sunday."

"So, basically, he's now a huge bitch."

"I wouldn't exactly use the term 'bitch."

Vernal stared at him. Jaune tried to resist for a few seconds before failing, slumping over with a sigh. "...Alright, fine, I guess I have turned into a huge bitch ever since I came back."

"Now you're getting it," Vernal said. "Look, I'll be straight with you: back in the tribe, I kind of had a huge crush on you."

"...You did?"

"How could I not? You're a cute blonde with a good physique who's not complete ass at fighting compared to the other worthless jerk-offs in the tribe, and on top of that, you're a good dad. Trust me, Jaune – that combination will get just about any woman to drop her panties for you. At least, it would until they figured out that you're now a huge pussy."

"So, you're saying you're not attracted to me anymore?"

"I didn't say that. I think it'd be more accurate to say that you don't get me excited the same way you used to. Luckily, we can fix that."

"How so?"

"Simple: I'm going to teach you to not be a bitch. And once you're back to the old Jaune, I can once again go back to shlicking myself into a coma to you every night… I mean, provided we're not banging."

"Somehow, I can already tell that I don't want to know what this is going to entail. I can also tell that whatever it is, I probably won't like it."

"Are you going to bitch all night?"

Grumbling, Jaune decided to quiet down. It happened not a moment too soon, as the waiter happened to arrive with their food, which in this case was a platter of sushi.

And predictably, Vernal did what she did best and set upon the food like an Ursa over Forever Fall sap.

Jaune could only stare in horror as she inhaled the contents of the plate, taking the contents of his wallet with it.

Well, he thought to himself as she polished off the first plate and went back for seconds, at least she can't be tsun with her mouth full.

"Wakey wakey, bitch boy."

Jaune barely had a chance to crack his eyes open when something landed on his chest. He felt all the air rush out of him as his eyes shot open and he looked around in a panic. Thankfully, he wasn't actually under attack, it was just Vernal sitting on him.

"Vernal..." he wheezed. "Do you mind? I can't breathe."

"Lesson one on how not to be a bitch," she said, checking her nails absentmindedly. "Real badasses don't ask for anything. They find what they want and take it. Now, are you man enough to take what you want, or are you going to suffocate under the weight of my fat ass?"

While that was a very tempting way to go, Jaune wasn't ready to die just yet. So instead he began to struggle, trying his best to throw his sort-of girlfriend off of him. It was futile, however – she was in the perfect position to stay right where she was, and there was very little she could do about it.

"That's it?" Vernal taunted. "Damn, I knew you weren't the strongest guy, but I thought you could do better than that, Jaune."

"P-please..." he gasped, his face turning blue.

"Lesson number two: Badasses don't say please. If you want me to move, you know what to do."

He did, in fact, know what to do – if he wanted Vernal to give him air, he was going to have to channel Tribe!Jaune. That was very unfortunate, because he disliked Tribe!Jaune, as Tribe!Jaune was a very bad example for Robin – the last thing he wanted was for Robin to have bad examples set for her, and then for her to grow up into something terrible like a delinquent, a prostitute, or worst of all, a journalist.

With that in mind, he was resigned to his fate of once again trying to be nice, but assertive. It wasn't the manliest thing he could do, but he wasn't about to set a bad example for his daughter.

That is, until she woke up and began to cry.

The sound made both of them pause as they looked over to her crib. Slowly, they turned to face each other, their eyes widening. A grin began to creep across Vernal's face.

"Well, well. Things just got interesting."

"Vernal, please," Jaune begged. "She needs me."

"I don't know about that. It's probably just a wet diaper or something."

"Think of the diaper rash, Vernal! I've gotta get to her!"

"She can wait a minute, I think."

"Vernal-"

"Nope! Either do it the right way, or I'm not letting you up."

Okay, that did it. Jaune felt his look of desperation begin to morph into one of frustration, and then anger. He felt himself start to turn red, and looked at Vernal, his eyes blazing with fury. And then he said something that he would have never said in a million years otherwise, something that was guaranteed to get Mama Arc to bend him over her knee if she ever found out he said it.

"Bitch, if you don't move your fat ass off of me this instant, I will use that training Raven gave me and show you which of us is the real second-in-command of the tribe!"

Vernal stared at him, surprised. Slowly, she nodded. "...Uh, sure. Go right ahead."

She moved off of him, and Jaune was on his feet and at his daughter's crib in an instant. Thankfully, it was nothing major – she was just hungry. A quick trip to the small refrigerator for a bottle of milk, and she was perfectly fine. Jaune breathed a sigh of relief as Robin finally quieted down, then closed her eyes and went back to sleep again.

"Well, that worked," Vernal said from over his shoulder.

"For the record, don't ever keep me from my daughter again, or we're through," Jaune deadpanned.

"Y-yes, of course. But I think it was worth it to-"

"Vernal."

"Right, shutting up now. Anyway, I think it's time for stage two."

"What's stage two?"

From behind him, Vernal smirked once more.

The cafeteria. To most, it was simply the place where food was consumed. But to Jaune, it was the place where conversations about nothing and shenanigans happened.

And if Vernal got her way, today would be no different.

"I don't know about this, Vernal," Jaune said.

Vernal looked up from cradling Robin, then stared at him. "Look, we've been over what to do. We know you're capable of doing it."

"Yeah, but it just feels… I don't know, not right."

"That's because you're not in your element yet. Give it time and this will be completely natural."

"It's not a matter of being out of practice-"

"I think it is."

"-It's a matter of this simply not being proper. I mean, I'm surprised you're the one recommending I do this, since we're dating and all."

"Well, obviously there's going to be a line you can't cross. I'm sure you know what that is."

"I really, really don't."

"Then you'll figure it out. Trust me, I'm not worried."

With that, Vernal shoved him forwards. Jaune cast a glance back before sighing, then taking a deep breath and beginning to walk towards his destination – the table where Team RWBY was sitting.

They all took notice of him as he came close, with Yang cracking a huge grin. "Hey, it's Daddy Jaune! How's the little one?"

"Yes, how is Robin?" Ruby all but demanded to know. "is she okay? Does she need someone to hold her? I can do it!"

"Robin's fine, Ruby. Vernal's got her over there-"

"Oh, no!"

"No, no, it's really fine. Sit down, please."

"But-"

"Trust me, Robin is fine."

Reluctantly, Ruby sat down, crossing her arms. Clearly, she was upset at not getting to hold the baby. Jaune made a quick promise to give her extra Robin time later on to make up for it.

The rest of the girls just looked at him with confusion, like they couldn't figure out why he was even there. In their defense, he was still confused on that, too – Vernal said he'd figure it out, but he was still pretty lost.

"So, what's up?" Yang asked. "Come to try to get me to bring my mom back again?"

"When have I ever tried that?" Jaune asked.

"Never, but that doesn't mean you can't start now. Just for the record, I'm still not cool with it."

"Not even with Robin?"

"Oh, she's cool. But you and my mom? Nah, that's not cool. Homies don't fuck their homie's mom."

"I didn't know we were homies in the first place. You barely speak to me except to toss an insult my way."

"Oh, lighten up! Everyone knows that's how I treat all of my friends."

Jaune raised an eyebrow. "I am literally the only person I've ever seen you treat like this. You don't do it to Ruby because she's your sister. You don't do it to Blake because it would ruin the unresolved sexual tension between you two. You don't do it to Weiss because Weiss doesn't get the concept of being so friendly with someone that you roast them constantly."

"What do you mean by roast?" Weiss asked. "I don't see a roast anywhere. The only food I can find is nasty cafeteria food."

"I'll have you know that this stuff is great compared to what I was eating in the White Fang," Blake chimed in.

"You were a terrorist back then, likely hiding in the woods. Anything would look good compared to sticks, bugs, and rocks. I mean, I'd rather eat Burger Prince than any of those three, but that doesn't make Burger Prince good."

"...Point taken. I'll remember that the next time I have to upend a rock and eat whatever's underneath." Blake shuddered. "White Fang SERE training was the worst..."

"Anyway," Jaune said, "I'm here for one reason and one reason only: because Vernal sent me to right the wrongs of the past, specifically where one of you is concerned."

"Oh, I see," Ruby said. "This is about you pestering Weiss for a date during our first year and failing miserably at it."

Jaune sighed tiredly. "...Yes, Ruby. Thank you for ripping the bandage off in the way that only you can. But yes, that's exactly why I'm here."

"Oh," Weiss said, slightly taken aback. "Come to apologize, then?"

"In a way. I suppose you could consider it an apology of sorts. I mean, it's not to you, but it is to someone here – namely, myself."

Weiss gave him a sideways glance. "...You're apologizing to yourself for acting like a buffoon while you were trying to ask me out?"

"Yes."

"Might I ask why?"

"Because apparently this is what assertive men do."

"No it's not," Yang chimed in. "Assertive men ask hot women out, get shot down, then go slam a few high-proof cocktails before getting back on the dance floor and getting themselves roped into a one-night stand with a girl who looks like an ogre. Then they wake up the next morning and sneak out once the beer goggles wear off. Trust me, I know how this works – I go clubbing, I see this happen at least a few times every Saturday night."

"Thank you for sharing that, Yang," Blake deadpanned.

"No, you don't get it, it's always hilarious to see. There was this one guy I saw – good-looking guy, pretty high-quality if it weren't for his pants, which looked really, really gay, like they had sparkles and shit on them. Anyway, he tried asking out this one girl, and let me tell you, words can't describe how bad she looked… but numbers can; 2/10. Anyway, it didn't end well. Talk about a walk of shame afterwards."

"Why do guys do this?" Ruby asked, sounding morbidly curious.

"Because she might be a whale, but the hour is late and her blowhole is wet, so you might as well give her the harpoon before ducking out and never speaking of it again."

"That's disgusting, Yang."

"Sure, but even ugly people are at least worth a Hardware Store."

"What's a Hardware Store?" Blake asked.

"It's where you screw, you nut, and you bolt."

"That's as horrible as it is clever."

"Look, can we focus on what's going on for once?" Jaune pleaded.

"What, you making an ass of yourself?" Yang questioned. "Dude, I don't know if you've noticed, but this whole time, I've been trying to keep you from making an absolute ass of yourself. Like, I don't know what was going through your head when you came over here, but I'm trying to be a bro and keep you from doing something really, really stupid."

"Would it make more sense if I told you this was Vernal's idea?"

"Yes, actually. Wait, don't tell me – she's trying to make you learn to be more assertive or something, isn't she?"

"How'd you guess?"

"Because, no offense, but ever since you've come back from my mom's tribe with a kid in tow, you've kind of been a total bitch."

"...Well, be that as it may, I'm here to fix it and hopefully learn how not to be a total bitch anymore."

"This'll be good." Yang kicked her legs up on the table, leaning back with her hands behind her head. "Well? Don't keep me waiting."

"I can see up up your little skirt thing, Yang."

"Good thing I've got hotpants on underneath. You really, really can't beat the hotto pantsu. Now are you going to get on with it, you big baby?"

"Yes," Jaune announced before turning to Weiss. "Weiss, I am here to make things right to myself after embarrassing myself by trying to ask you out like a year ago."

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Then you might as well get it over with before you drag it out any longer."

"Much like getting a root canal, putting it off helps nobody," Blake added.

"Yes, thank you for the needless metaphor, Blake."

"I aim to please."

"Anyway," Jaune said, "I'd just like to start by saying… um… Weiss, I would like an apology from you for continuously embarrassing me in the worst ways whenever I tried to ask you out."

"No," she instantly replied.

"Well, it was worth a shot. Can I at least get a little bit of remorse?"

"No."

"Like, just the tiniest hint?"

"No."

"The smallest little morsel, barely enough to feed a mouse."

"You'll get nothing and like it. Will that be all?"

Frowning, Jaune looked over to where Vernal was standing. He found her facepalming, which he figured was accurate. Clearly, this wasn't working out, so it called for Plan B.

"Hey, Yang?" he asked.

"Yes, Jaune ol' buddy?"

"I need you to piss me off."

"...Why are you asking me to do that? Blake's kinda the expert at that out of all of us, given her characterization is so shitty that the mere act of her doing something is guaranteed to piss someone off."

"No, not like that. I want you to roast me so hard that it infuriates me, giving me enough of a second wind that I can actually man up and give Weiss a piece of my mind. I can't do it myself."

"Oh, I thought you'd never ask." She cleared her throat. "Okay, first of all, what's wrong with you? You're coming back like a golden retriever that's just been kicked by its master. Weiss clearly doesn't want anything to do with you, so why are you even here?"

"Keep going," Jaune insisted.

"Dude, you look like an eighteen-year-old Miles Luna, only with more cringe. You're the most self insert to have ever self inserted. You're like the fucking Kirito of RWBY."

"Almost there..."

"Honestly, as Kirito as you might be, you're honestly even worse than him – at least Kirito's dumbass redesign in the next piece of shit show after the original inspired a lot of porn. You can't even do that because your body just looks like a worse form of Sun's, minus the personality."

"Almost… there..."

"Raven ran out on you because she'd rather be a deadbeat mom than have to put up with your whiny little bitch boy ass any longer."

"That does it!"

Jaune turned to Weiss, his gaze smoldering. She actually flinched beneath it, but neither he nor Vernal were satisfied.

"You listen here, you heartless little bitch," he began. "Do you have any idea how much self-confidence it takes to actually go up to someone and pour your heart out to them? Not only that, but to do it over and over again even after being rejected? If you're going to reject someone, the least you could do is be an adult about it."

"Childishness begets childishness," Weiss retorted.

"Oh, so I suppose you don't care about being the bigger person, then? You'd think the heiress to the SDC would care a lot more about the image she projects to the public at large, but apparently not. Obviously someone never got the talk about good business sense meaning you shouldn't burn bridges if you can avoid it. Well, guess what, Weiss? This bridge has been burned. You didn't want me then? Well, I don't want you now."

"Good."

"Oh, that's all you have to say? What, you think I'll be the last one? Girl, we all know how this works – you're so busy getting high off your imagined power that you don't stop to think about how many people you're hurting until you've left a trail of them behind you. We all know you get off on being the heartbreaker, otherwise you'd hold yourself to a higher standard. But nah, not you, not Weiss Schnee – she'd rather get off to the thought of breaking hearts, not realizing that people talk. Ever wonder why nobody else bothered to approach you after you got bored of Neptune trying to court you and told him to fuck off? It's because we all know not to bother, Weiss."

"...Oh. Um, well-"

"Yeah, I said it. All the guys in Beacon – scratch that, the guys at every academy? We all know better than to try with you. All you'll give us is abuse to satisfy your own desire to step on people in the worst way possible."

"...Alright, admittedly I can see your-"

"But you don't see it that way, do you? You don't care at all. So long as you get your jollies now, nothing else matters. Well, I've got news for you – no guy cares how rich and successful you are if you're a total bitch to him. It's almost like the relationship your mother has with your father, only in total reverse. Yeah, that's right, Weiss, I said it – in terms of your love life, you're turning into a genderswapped, younger version of Jacques Schnee."

He finished speaking, and a heavy silence fell over the entire cafeteria. Everyone at the table was staring at him in open-mouthed shock, to such an extent that a piece of tuna actually fell out of Blake's mouth and onto her plate. Finally, Weiss recovered and cleared her throat.

"Yes, well… that was actually very enlightening, Jaune. I suppose I have been immature about this sort of thing."

"Wait, really?" Jaune asked.

"Yes, really. I had no idea the effect I was having on other people. Thank you for telling me."

"Oh. Um… you're welcome, I guess."

"Now then, I suppose we should move on to what really matters."

"And what would that be?"

"When are you picking me up?"

Jaune paused. "...Say again?"

"When are you picking me up?" Weiss repeated. "For our date, I mean."

"Wait, hold up. What makes you think I want to go on a date?"

"Well, that was the purpose of this, wasn't it? To try to win me back over?"

"Um, no. I thought we established that the purpose of this was to get Vernal off my ass."

Weiss waved him off. "Oh, sure. Jaune, think about this – you can go back to banging a dirty bandit or you can start banging me instead. It shouldn't be a hard choice to make."

Thankfully, he never had to actually make the choice.

"Uh, excuse me, what the fu- frick is this?" Vernal asked as she approached, cradling a sleeping Robin in her hands.

"Weiss is trying to talk Jaune into dating her," Ruby explained.

"Ruby!" Weiss shouted.

Ruby just shrugged. "Hey, the way I see it, if Vernal kills you over this, that's less competition I'll have when it comes to being Robin's godmother. I'm not sorry."

"Why you little-"

"Oh, heck no!' Vernal declared. "Jaune, take your daughter!"

She quickly, yet very gently, thrust Robin into Jaune's hands, then glared at Weiss. Jaune swallowed nervously. "What are you going to do, Vernal?"

"I'm about to smack a B-word, that's what."

Jaune never got a chance to stop her before her and Weiss proceeded to completely tear up the entire cafeteria.

"Well, that's a solid two months of my life I'm not going to get back," Jaune deadpanned as he lied in bed next to is girlfriend. "I hope asserting your dominance over Weiss was worth the infinite detentions."

Vernal grinned softly, bringing a finger up to trace circles on his chest. "Come on, Jaune. You know you love me."

"I'd love you a lot more if you didn't put me through hell just so I could go back to my old self, and also if you didn't earn me everlasting detention. You know Goodwitch is only doing it to spend more time with Robin, right?"

"I don't even care anymore, Jaune. The way I see it, I'm basically Robin's new mom at this point… well, unless Raven comes back, but what are the odds of that happening?"

As soon as she said it, a portal opened in their room. Jaune and Vernal exchanged a glance before simultaneously groaning, then pulling the covers up to shield themselves a bit more. Raven stepped through the portal, looking around before seeing Jaune.

"Jaune," she said, her expression softening… only for it to immediately harden again when she saw Vernal next to him in bed. "Vernal. I see you wasted no time in moving in on my territory."

"Oh, your territory?" Vernal asked. "Bitch, you abandoned your man and his kid to chase some farmboy tail. The way I see it, neither of them are your territory anymore."

"Bold words to say to the one who raised you," Raven said, resting a hand on her sword.

"Oh, is this happening? Please say this is happening. You may be the Spring Maiden, but I know you haven't been putting your skills to the test over the past year."

"Okay, stop!" Jaune said, getting their attention. "Look, I have several questions here, and before any asses are kicked, I'd like to have them answered. So, can we all calm the fuck down for like five seconds while I figure this shit out?"

Reluctantly, Raven took her hand off her sword before nodding. "Ask away, boyfriend."

"Okay, first off, drop the act. I haven't been your boyfriend ever since you ran off."

"On the contrary – you were always my boyfriend. I simply let Vernal have a turn for a year. Now I'm back and ready to resume my position as your girlfriend."

"Yeah, but why, though? Weren't you super hyped to be shacking up with some shota farmboy who's even younger than me?"

Raven waved him off. "The kid's annoying, what can I say? The sex isn't worth it. I dropped him after a few months and moved on to Whitley Schnee."

"Ew!" Vernal declared.

"You're telling me. That kid may be a boy, but he's still a total bitch. Schnees were truly a mistake. I had fun drinking with his mom, though."

"Maybe you should go back and drink a little too much," Vernal suggested.

"Keep it up, Vernal. Just remember that as out of practice as I am, I can still wipe the floor with you."

"Somehow I doubt you even know how to wipe floors, Raven – that's a bit too domestic for you."

"Both of you shut the fuck up," Jaune declared. "I am not dealing with this until I get some answers. Now, Raven, why are you back here?"

"Because I missed you," she replied.

"That's nice, but how about the real answer?"

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, fine. I admit it: I ran off on you because I thought I could do better. I was wrong. And now that I know I'm wrong, I want you back."

"Well, I've moved on."

"I can change that."

"If you murder my girlfriend, I'll never sleep with you again."

"Like you'd have a choice."

"Woman, do you want me to scream for Goodwitch? Because I can totally do that at any point. The only reason I'm not is because I still want some answers."

"Then ask away," Raven said with a huff. "The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can kick Vernal's ass."

"Let's start with the obvious, then: why the fuck did you leave me in the first place?"

"Because I was bored." Raven rolled her eyes. "Were you expecting something more?"

"Yes, actually. That's it? You left because you were bored?"

"You act like that's surprising. Jaune, did you really expect me to stick around after I had a kid?"

"...Yes? Generally the mom sticks around for their kid."

"I mean, she already abandoned one kid," Vernal pointed out. "Also, didn't everyone warn you that this was going to happen? Why the fuck did you think she wouldn't do this?"

"I don't know, maybe I thought I could make her stay."

"Everyone thinks that, Jaune. It never works. Life isn't a grocery store romance novel."

"Look, can we get back on track?" Raven asked, impatient. "The point is, I'm back now, Jaune. And I'm almost ready to be with you again."

He raised an eyebrow. "Almost ready?"

"Yeah. We just have to abort the kid first."

Jaune exchanged a glance with Vernal. "...Excuse me, what?"

"You heard me. We just need to-"

"No, I heard what you said. I just… it's wrong on so many levels. So, so many levels. I'll start with the obvious: Robin's already been born, Raven. It's a bit too late to get an abortion now."

"No, it's not."

"...What, you want to murder your own daughter?"

"What? No. It's an abortion, there's a difference."

"...I'm curious what you think an abortion is," Vernal couldn't help but ask.

"It's what all the tribes do with unwanted fuck-up babies, where they leave them in the woods alone. Either the kid dies or they get adopted by wolves, becoming wild children and eventually founding their own country or something. I don't know because that doesn't happen, for obvious reasons." Raven shrugged. "So, are we-"

"Uh, no," Jaune said. "I am not leaving my daughter in the woods, or whatever the hell you're trying to make me do."

"Shame."

"Yeah, really. Guess you'll just have to be a mother for once if you want to get back with me."

Raven stared at him for a moment before clearing her throat. "...Oh, would you look at the time! It seems like I'm late for a booty call with Tai."

"I didn't know you two were-"

"Later, Jaune. I'll come get you if you ever get rid of the kid."

With that, Raven tore open a portal and left. Jaune watched her go before shaking his head and sighing, then turning to Vernal. "Well, I guess now we know where Yang got her brains from."

"Shut up and sleep with me," Vernal demanded. "I want to assert my dominance over that bitch. Nobody tries to steal my man and gets away with it."

Shrugging, Jaune decided to just go with it. Not like he had any fucks left to give after those shenanigans, anyway.

There is it, and only like thirty chapters after I said I'd do it. But hey, at least I finally got to it!

Yeah, I know. Feel free to give me a ton of shit for it, because this is a chapter that really should have happened way sooner.

Anyway, there's Vernal. My thought process for writing her was basically a mixture of Yang and Weiss, and also really bitchy. The goal was to get some of that to rub off on Jaune, hence why I made his little rant about Weiss so fucking out-there and obnoxious to the point where he's just being an asshole. And no, that's not how I feel about Weiss as a character – she's actually pretty much my favorite of the main girls. Practically the only bad things I can think of is that she can get kind of bitchy at times, she got shafted in all the Atlas volumes pretty hard (then again, which of them didn't?), and I'm not a huge fan of her redesign simply because braid!Weiss means we don't get to see Weiss with her hair down, and that ought to be a crime.

But yeah, not much to say here. Raven's appearance was short as fuck because I figured that the instant she got faced with the reality that coming back actually meant being a mom again, she'd peace the fuck out. Plus I kind of already did the whole Raven-comes-back thing with Yang's sequel chapter and didn't want to repeat myself too hard with it here. And then there's the fact that I also didn't want a chapter that's supposed to be about Vernal turn into one about Raven, too.

Next update: Saturday, February 6.