Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 32: Willow Schnee, or: Weiss' Mom Has Got It Going On

"Remind me again why I have to be here for this?"

Weiss glared at him. "Because, Jaune – my mother is coming to visit and I want her to be sure that my time spent here is not going to waste."

"Right, I get that. What I don't get is what I have to do with it."

"Because she'll want to make sure that my friends are up to snuff, obviously!"

"That still doesn't make any sense," Jaune pointed out. "Weren't you one who called me scraggly during initiation?"

"That's not-"

"Jaune has a point," Blake said. "And as long as he's here, I have to question why I'm here, too. For all intents and purposes, I should hate your mom, Weiss."

"My mother is nothing like my father!"

"Well, she certainly doesn't do anything to stop him."

"You're missing the poi-"

"Hey, Weiss?" Ruby chimed in. "Where are the cookies? I was told there'd be cookies."

"There aren't any, Rubes," Yang said. "I think we all got played."

"I'm actually afraid to ask what Weiss promised you to entice you to come out," Jaune said.

Yang shrugged. "What can I say? I was promised a good time. Safe to say it was a lie."

"Oh look, there's her airship now!" Weiss said.

True to her word, an ornate-looking Bullhead emblazoned with the SDC's logo and initials began to descend from the sky. After a few seconds, it touched down on the landing pad. That was a few seconds for Jaune to contemplate running away, and then deciding that it wasn't worth being subjected to one of Weiss' patented bitch-fests.

The hatch on the Bullhead opened, and Weiss did her best to make herself look even more presentable than she already did.

"Hello, Mother," Weiss said. "I am pleased to see that you made it okay. How was your trip?"

For a moment, there was no response. Then Willow Schnee finally appeared in the doorway of the Bullhead, looking absolutely nothing like what Jaune expected her to look. He expected her to be fancy, upper-class, possibly even almost regal.

What he got was a woman who was about as much of a functioning alcoholic as Ruby's uncle, or his own mother.

Willow Schnee stood in the door of the Bullhead, swaying from side to side, a nearly-empty bottle of vodka in one hand. She caught herself enough to lean on the doorway, slumping over as she hiccuped softly.

"H-hey, Weiss," she said, waving.

Weiss' look faded, immediately replaced with a frown. "...Mother, are you drunk?"

"Maybe jes a little… you know how I get while flying."

"No, I don't. Why are you drunk?"

Willow blinked, like she didn't understand the question. "...Sorry, isn't it five o'clock?"

"It's eleven in the morning," Yang pointed out.

"Thank you, Yang," Weiss said through gritted teeth.

"Ah," Willow acknowledged. "Well, it's five o'clock somewhere, I guess. Bottoms up!"

With that, she drained the rest of her vodka before setting it aside, then giving a satisfied sigh. "That's the stuff, right there. You know it's good when it fights you the whole way down."

"Sounds like some real rotgut stuff you're drinking, lady," Yang said. "You ever try a Strawberry Sunrise?"

Willow gave her a look of absolute disgust. "Weiss, who is this plebeian drinking mixed drinks around me? I thought you said your friends would impress me."

"T-they will, Mother!" Weiss said. Looking around, she frantically searched for someone she could use to prove her point. Unfortunately, there were very few takers – Blake was openly reading hentai, Ruby was picking her nose, Pyrrha had fallen asleep on her feet, Nora had climbed up on Ren's shoulders and was demanding a ride, Ren was trying his best to look stoic and failing miserably, and Yang had been standing in one place for too long and had defaulted to her idle animation of shadowboxing the air.

That left just one person, unfortunately for him.

"H-here, Mother!" Weiss said, shoving Jaune towards her mom with a glyph. "This is Jaune! Say hi, Jaune!"

"Hello, ma'am," Jaune said as he came to a stop a few feet in front of her.

For some reason, Willow immediately froze when she saw him. Jaune stood there confused as she looked him up and down, her eyes widening with every passing second. After a few moments, she looked him in the eye.

Slowly, Willow licked her lips.

"Well, Weiss, I am impressed," Willow said.

"T-truly?!" Weiss asked.

"Oh, yes. Very, very impressed. So impressed that I think I'll need to borrow him for a bit. You don't mind, do you?"

"Of course not!"

"I object," Jaune said, only for Weiss to push him up against her mother with a glyph.

"Nonsense, Jaune!" Weiss declared. "Now you go and impress my mother some more, or there'll be trouble."

He sighed tiredly. Well, if this was what he was stuck doing, then whatever. He supposed he could always head into town and get Willow plastered enough to black out, then bring her back to Beacon if he had to. Anything so long as it didn't result in him babysitting her for too long.

"Come with me," Willow said, taking him by the hand and hurrying off.

"You treat her right, Jaune!" Weiss called. "Whatever she wants, she gets!"

He sighed a second time.

"Alright, what's this about?" Jaune asked as the two of them disappeared around a corner. "Because I have a-"

"I have one question for you," Willow said, cutting him off.

"...Alright, fine. What is it?"

"How would you like to help me get even with my jackass husband?"

"Who, Jacques? Why would you want to get even with him?"

"Because he's an enormous prick, our marriage is a sham, he doesn't love me and never has, and I'm sick of being treated like I don't exist."

"Can't you just get a divorce?"

"And lose the company to him?" She shook her head. "He may be running it into the ground, but that company is rightfully my family's, not his. I refuse to let him keep even half of it."

Well, he supposed that made sense – from what Weiss had told him, Jacques was an absolute nightmare to deal with in general. He couldn't imagine actually having to be married to the man.

"...Alright, I suppose," he conceded. "So, what do you want me to do to help?"

"Don't act like you don't know," Willow replied.

"...Sorry, I really don't. I'm, uh, not the sharpest tool in the shed, as Weiss would say."

Willow rolled her eyes. "Teenagers… here, just follow my lead."

Before Jaune could raise any questions, she brought a hand up to gently cup his cheek. Then, to his surprise, she came in for a kiss. It was… well, he didn't have much to compare it to, since the closest he had ever come to kissing a girl before was when one of them called the police on him and they sent a K9 unit which ended up licking him after they got the whole thing straightened out. Needless to say, he was completely blindsided by what was happening now, but in a good way – like the 'I just won the lottery' kind of way.

And really, what an apt comparison – Willow was smoking hot, extremely wealthy, and very eager to get revenge on Jacques. If this went the way he thought it was going to, this would basically be like winning the lottery.

Willow pulled away after a minute, leaving him standing there with a dumbstruck look on his face.

"How was it, Jaune?" she asked.

"It was… wow, Missus Sch-"

"Don't call me that!" she hissed. "Please, call me Willow. It's what my friends call me, and if you're willing, I'd like for us to be much more than that, even if just for a night."

"...Okay, Willow," Jaune said, trying to ignore how weird it felt to be calling her by her first name when she was old enough to be his mother. "...So, what happens now?"

"I think you know," Willow said, her voice taking on a sultry edge. She drew closer, enough to whisper into his ear.

"Now, we go back to my room."

Jaune felt his heart rate spike. Obviously, he had expected that he'd get laid at some point in his life, but he didn't think it would be this soon, or with a woman who was anything like Willow.

"...Is this really okay?" he had to question. "I mean, we're moving really fast. Not only that, but I'm friends with your daughter, and the age difference-"

"It doesn't have to mean anything more if you don't want it to," Willow insisted. "In fact, I'd prefer it to just be a one-time thing. All I ask of you is a night – one night, and that's it. You give me the touch I've been denied for so long, and I pay you back in kind. Is that okay?"

Jaune swallowed nervously, and then, pushing away all the apprehension from his mind, he nodded. "...Okay. Let's do it."

Willow smiled, then took him by the hand as she led him back to her room. Jaune wasn't sure what to expect exactly, but he really hoped that it wasn't anything too crazy.

Weiss was crazy enough for him, he really didn't want Willow to end up being equally as bad.

"Oh, fuck, Jaune! Harder!"

"W-Willow..."

"Ah! T-touch me there again, please! That's- Ah!"

"Willow, I'm gonna-"

"Do it! I-inside!"

Jaune gave a loud moan, with her adding one of her own, and then it was over. The two of them collapsed on the bed, spent. As he fell onto the pillow, he looked over at the clock.

So much for having her back by dinnertime.

It was now just after seven at night, and Jaune had never felt so tired… yet at the same time, the last thing he wanted to do was stop.

Thank the Gods for aura, otherwise I'd probably be shooting blood by now.

At least, he imagined that's what seven rounds of sex would do to someone.

"Jaune."

Willow's voice caught his attention, and he turned to face her. She grinned upon seeing him, and leaned over to give him a quick kiss on the lips, which he returned in kind.

"I must say, this is the best decision I've made yet," she said. "I wasn't sure what I'd find when I came to Beacon, but I'm glad I did."

"...Hold up," Jaune said. "Are you telling me that the sole reason you came to Beacon was to get laid?"

"Yes. Is that a problem?"

"Oh, hell no. It's just kind of confusing. Aren't you like the wealthiest woman in the world? You could have just bought a male hooker or something."

"And risk being discovered, or catching an STD?" Willow shook her head. "No, this was the safest option. Plus, it got me away from Atlas, and I got to see my daughter again, however brief it was." Her gaze softened. "...Plus, I got to meet you."

"I thought you said you didn't want something serious."

"That was before… well, all of this. Now…" She shrugged. "Now, I don't know what I want. All I know is that you make me happy, Jaune. Happier than I've been in a very long time. I hope I make you happy, too."

"You do," he assured her. "I just… I don't know how to make this whole thing work. I mean, I want it to, I just don't know how, you know? It seems like one of those things that can't work – your family wouldn't approve, my family wouldn't approve, and my friends wouldn't approve. Jacques would probably try to break us up by hiring cryptocurrency assassins to come kill us or something."

Willow waved him off. "Jaune, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if something makes you happy, you have to pursue it with everything you've got."

"...But Weiss-"

"Leave Weiss to me," Willow insisted. "Trust me, I have a plan on how to deal with her."

"...Okay," Jaune conceded. "In that case, I'd like for this to be something more, if you'd-"

That was as far as he got before she lunged forward, pulling him into a kiss yet again. Jaune let himself slip into her embrace, the rest of the world fading away, save for one thought that refused to leave.

I wonder what her plan to deal with Weiss is.

"YOU'RE DATING JAUNE?!"

Jaune winced, both at the volume of Weiss' voice as well as her words. When Willow had told him she had a plan to deal with Weiss, he had kind of expected that it would be something other than just out-and-out telling Weiss what was going on. But no, apparently Willow wanted to be open about this. Unfortunately for him, that meant having to deal with Weiss.

"Weiss," he began, "I know you're-"

"Shut it, homewrecker!" Weiss snapped, silencing him instantly. She looked back to her mother. "Mother, I don't understand. Why Jaune?"

"Because he makes me happy," Willow replied. "Do I need another reason?"

"Yes! You're married, Mother!"

"To a man who outright admitted that he didn't love me and was only using me for the SDC. The only reason I don't divorce him is because I know he'd somehow end up with part of the SDC if I did."

"Atlas must have some crazy divorce laws," Yang quipped.

"You're not really one to talk," Ruby pointed out. "Didn't Dad manage to separate from Raven and actually get her on the hook for child support? I mean, she never actually paid the child support, but he at least got the court to agree to it."

"...Okay, point taken. I guess there are things in this world more fucked up than Atlas' legal system."

"Somehow I doubt it," Blake said dryly.

"Don't act like you weren't aware of that, Weiss," Willow said. "Jacques told you as much to your face on your tenth birthday, if I recall."

"I'm surprised you recall that much, given how much you drink now," Weiss said.

Willow bristled. "I'll have you know that I've made an effort to tone it down."

"A day without a drink is hardly toning it down, Mother. And I'm pretty sure the only reason you weren't drinking is because you were too busy doing unspeakable things with Jaune, though I'd obviously rather not know the details."

"I don't get why you're so against him," Willow said, shaking her head. "He's a good guy, Weiss."

"Mother, you married Father. I don't think you'd know a good man if he came up and smacked you on the rear."

"Funny you bring that up-"

"Mother, ew! I don't want to hear it!"

"Hey, you said it, not me." Willow shrugged. "Anyway, I'll have you know that Jaune is a marked improvement over Jacques in every way."

"Everyone is a marked improvement over Father in every way. A Grimm would make a better father than him – at least they don't pretend to actually like you in public. Look, my point is that you had your choice of every man in this academy, yet you went with Jaune. I still don't get why."

"Because I was horny and he was there. I'm just lucky that it worked out. And don't try to change the subject – I still want to know why you're so against him in particular."

"Yeah, what's up with that?" Yang chimed in. "I get he's not your ideal man, but then again, you didn't like any of us when you first met us, and now we're all friends. Is Jaune really that bad?"

"You weren't there for his attempts to woo me," Weiss spat.

"Yeah, you guys really don't know how bad it was," Jaune said. "Like really, I think she deserves a break on that one."

"I'd thank you for that if you weren't currently sleeping with my mother."

Well, that figured – apparently, beggars can be choosers after all.

"Anyway, this entire situation is supremely messed up," Weiss declared. "Just look at all the details, Mother – you're old enough to be his mother."

"He doesn't seem to mind," Willow replied.

"You're already married."

"It's a sham marriage that even Jacques doesn't respect."

"You have kids."

"The only one who's still growing is Whitley, and he'll be out of the house in a few years."

"You have a legacy to pass on."

"One which Jacques is currently running into the ground, so as to render it meaningless. And besides, you and Winter are doing a fine job of carrying on the parts that aren't tainted."

Weiss grit her teeth, frustrated. "...Look at him! He's all… blonde and scraggly!"

"Just my type," Willow said proudly.

"You're just saying that because you're both dating now."

"Am I? For all you know, I've always had a thing for scraggly blondes and just settled for Jacques."

"Somehow I doubt it."

"Look, whatever you say, it's not going to dissuade me from dating Jaune. So you might as well just accept it."

"I refuse. In fact, give me a moment to call Winter."

"Go ahead. What's Winter going to do that you haven't? Try to kill him?"

"Hopefully."

"No, she won't. I guarantee you that she'll say I'm a grown woman and can make my own decisions. You forget that Winter hates Jacques even more than you do, and will therefore be in favor of anything that helps take him down a peg. That means, if anything, she'd support this development. Checkmate, Weiss."

Weiss stared at her, stunned, before slowly lowering her scroll. "...I can see you've put a lot of thought into this."

"Indeed, I have. Anything to hold onto this shred of happiness I've got."

"Well, that doesn't mean I have to approve."

"Of course not. I just need to know that you won't try to get between us. I'd hate for my daughter and my boyfriend to be at odds with each other."

"...Alright, fine. I can see that this is something you really care about, so I suppose I'll stay out of your way. But again, I won't like it!"

Willow smiled softly. "That's all I ask, Weiss." She looked over to Jaune. "Now then, back to getting revenge on Jacques."

Somehow, he could tell that this was just the beginning of the insanity.

And as it turned out, he couldn't be more right.

"Okay, let me get this straight," Jaune began. "You want me to dress up like a member of the White Fang, then quote-unquote 'abduct' you from your bedroom and bring you to a secure location, where I will then proceed to have very rough but not-quite unconsensual sex with you."

"Yes, that's correct."

"And as if that wasn't bad enough, you also want me to film the entire thing, and then email it to Jacques Schnee because… why are we emailing this to Jacques Schnee, again?"

"Because it will infuriate him on multiple levels. For one, he hates the White Fang, so the addition of the White Fang outfit alone will probably make him go ballistic. For another, there's the part about his not-quite wife actually being unfaithful, which even if he doesn't actually care about me, it will really drive him crazy knowing I can go public with the footage and absolutely ruin his reputation with it. Finally, there's the fact that he'd know that I now despise him enough to actually shove it in his face, which will probably make him at the very least very uncomfortable when he does come home."

"...Okay, I have several questions," Jaune replied. "First of all, is the rough sex really necessary?"

"Jaune, I appreciate you being a gentleman, but sometimes a woman just needs a really hard dicking, and this is one of those times. We can be really amorous and hold hands and stuff afterwards if you want, but do you have any idea just how pent-up I am after like a decade of nothing but my fingers? Trust me, you won't hurt me and you won't make me feel uncomfortable. This is something I really want."

"...Alright, point conceded there. But really, a White Fang outfit?"

"Yes, really. The idea is to be as insulting to Jacques as possible. The White Fang outfit is not only helpful in doing that, it's downright necessary."

"Yeah, okay, but where are we going to get a White Fang outfit?"

"You underestimate the power of my bottomless pockets. I can have an authentic White Fang outfit overnighted here without any issue."

"Won't sending one of those through the mail cause problems? I mean, I get that the mail people are probably used to weird shit getting shipped to Beacon considering that Ruby and Yang literally shipped a fucking corgi, but you'd think that sending an outfit that's the calling card of a terrorist organization would case an issue of some kind."

"Jaune, I think you're vastly overestimating just how competent the mail people actually are at their job. They're government employees who make minimum wage, they don't care about anything actually related to their job. If they did, they'd break fewer packages that are clearly labeled fragile."

"You know, someone just listening in might mistake this for you having a grudge against the mail people."

"Actually, now that you mention it-"

Oh, here we go, he thought to himself.

"-I really am not impressed with the way they do things. Granted, that's less their fault and more the fault of the government for not doing anything to actually improve them. Then again, perhaps we should know better than to trust government to fix the problems created by government – the last thing we need is more federalization."

"Let me just stop you there," Jaune said. "I'm talking about your bizarre sexual fantasy, not whatever the hell this is."

"Does that mean you'll do it if I stop talking about whatever it is I'm talking about?"

"That depends entirely on whether or not you actually stop talking about it."

"If I say I will, then will you?"

"...I suppose it'd be a fair price to pay."

"Excellent!" Willow reached behind her, grabbing a box and pushing it into Jaune's hands. "Go ahead and get changed. I'll be waiting in my room."

"Wait, just like that?" Jaune asked. "We're just going to do it, no planning required?"

"Spontaneity is at the heart of role-playing."

"That's a nice sentiment, but I'm going to be pessimistic here and just say that I suspect the only reason you want to jump right to it is because you're probably really horny."

"And eager to get revenge on Jacques. Now, would you hurry up and just do it, already?"

"...Alright, I suppose I said I would."

"Great. I'll be in my room waiting. Be sure to get the camera ready."

With that, she left him, holding a box containing an authentic White Fang uniform. He looked down at it, then sighed.

"Right, might as well get this over with."

Of course, there was a hidden danger in dressing up as a White Fang member and then creeping through the halls of the world's premier Huntsman academy, en route to "kidnap" your girlfriend, who herself was one of the primary targets of the terrorist organization you were currently dressed as a member of.

He was going to reflect on why this was a terrible idea, but that little internal monologue pretty much had it covered, so instead he focused on creeping through the halls, doing his best to avoid being seen by anyone. And no, it wasn't just because he was dressed as the enemy – it was also because this whole thing was really, really fucking embarrassing.

Seriously, role playing was one thing, but Willow wanted a full-on pseudo-rape fantasy, here. There's no easy way to explain that to anyone who might happen to stumble upon him.

"That woman is lucky she's like thirty percent ass, otherwise this wouldn't be worth it in the slightest," Jaune muttered to himself.

After far, far too much time sneaking through the halls – which admittedly was only like five or so minutes, but honestly, even ten seconds would have been too long – he finally reached Willow's room. The only thing to do now was make his entry, which was easier said than done, because Willow had given him exactly zero guidelines on how to do that.

Sighing, Jaune readied the camera before knocking on the door, and in his most stereotypical plumber voice, said, "Maintenance. I'm here to lay some pipe."

He did his best not to cringe as he listened to Willow get up out of bed on the other side of the door.

"Just one minute!"

She started to move around again, and Jaune just sighed, checking the nearby clock. He'd have figured that Willow would sort of have this fantasy of hers down to a science, but he didn't expect that it would literally take her a minute just to open the fucking door.

After a full sixty seconds had passed (yes, he counted) the door came flying open, revealing Willow in all her nightgown-clad glory. Jaune couldn't help but raise an eyebrow when he saw it, and had to hold himself back from asking if she had stolen the gown from Weiss, because it was far, far too small for her – it was hugging every curve on her body way too tightly, and her breasts were almost spilling out of the top.

Doing his best to ignore how his entire body was now heating up like he had just shotgunned a bottle of vodka in the Atlesian winter, Jaune cleared his throat.

"You're mine, Missus Schnee! For the glory of the White Fang!"

"Oh, no!" Willow shouted theatrically. "I'm being attacked by a White Fang member! I'm completely defenseless, somewhat drunk, and clad only in this poorly-fitting nightgown that shows off a far-too-generous amount of my cleavage! Whatever shall I do?"

She went to slam the door, but Jaune stopped it with his foot, then barged inside and began to approach her. Willow swallowed nervously, pressing her back against the wall as he closed in.

"Well, well. The Schnee matriarch, alone and defenseless at last. How I've waited for this moment."

"Y-you won't get away with this! My husband-"

"Is a worthless good-for-nothing racist who doesn't care about you or your family one bit. Of course, I'm not so stupid as to think that he'll take this lying down – it would be a huge insult to his pride and reputation. No, I think what I'm going to do is ransom you back to him." Jaune's gaze traveled to her chest, and he made sure to zoom in on it with the camera. "But first, I think I'll have a little fun with you."

"N-no!"

She pretended to try and run away, but Jaune caught her by one arm, then turned her around and pinned it against her back, trapping her. She struggled in his grasp, but he just chuckled. Setting the camera on a nearby dresser, he retrieved a pair of handcuffs from his back pocket, then started to lock her hands behind her back.

"Now, now – there's no need for this," he said. "All I'll do is have my fun, then I'll work on getting you home in no time."

"Y-you can't! I'll-"

"Do nothing, because there's nothing you can do." He finished fastening the handcuffs onto her, locking her wrists behind her back. With that done, he pulled a roll of duct tape out of his other pocket, then tore off a strip. "Now, relax – this won't hurt a bit."

She tried to shy away from the tape, but it was no use, and in seconds, Jaune had Willow bound and gagged. She glared at him, or at least pretended to, while he sat back and admired his handiwork.

Well, that wasn't too bad, I suppose. Of course, that was the easy part.

Reaching over to the camera, Jaune shut it down before throwing the lanyard around his neck, then picking up Willow and slinging her over his shoulder, grunting under the added weight.

Hey, she may have been fit, but that just meant that all the weight went to her chest, hips, and ass. She was still a woman in her mid-thirties who'd had three kids, after all – that baby weight wasn't just going to disappear.

"You comfortable, Willow?" Jaune asked.

She grunted, then nodded, and Jaune took that as his signal to get moving.

Of course, being a woman of refined taste, Willow wasn't satisfied with just any fake kidnapping video, oh no – no, it had to be something with a bit of style and production to it. That meant that he couldn't just cover his dorm room's windows with black cardboard cutouts and pass it off as a rape cave. No, that meant that he had to go out and actually find something at Beacon that could pass as an honest-to-goodness rape cave, which was… actually not all that hard.

Of course, that left him stuck with the challenge of getting to the elevator in Ozpin's office while dressed in a White Fang outfit and mask, with a bound-and-gagged Willow Schnee slung over his shoulder, and also with a stiffy in his pants (in his defense, Willow in that gown would do that to any man, unless that man was someone like Jacques who only got off to their own reflection and the tears of Faunus children.)

But yeah, if he could do that without getting seen, then he could ride down to the catacombs under Beacon and proceed to have creepy, borderline-nonconsensual sex with his MILF girlfriend, who was honestly way, way too into this if the steadily growing wet spot on his shoulder was any indication.

Of course, a big problem there was that he had to carry Willow the entire time, which was easily the weakest link of this entire operation. This whole thing would be about a thousand times easier if he didn't have to carry her around, but nope, she insisted on being bound and gagged, then carried. Because again, she wanted this to be as true-to-life as possible, which meant staying in character the entire time, apparently. Anything to make her revenge on Jacques that much sweeter, he figured.

I probably shouldn't judge. Sure, this is the weirdest thing I've ever had to do, but then again I've never met Jacques. If he's as horrible as everyone says he is, this whole thing just might be warranted.

With that in mind, Jaune decided the only thing to do was take a deep breath, nut up, be a man, and carry his girlfriend over to Ozpin's creepy sex dungeon catacombs. With newfound resolve, he began the long walk over to his destination.

He made it around the nearest corner when he ran into Blake of all people, who had apparently been out for a night walk. Both of them froze, their eyes going wide, and for a moment, Jaune was afraid that it was all over.

Until Blake spoke, that is.

"What are you doing, Jaune?"

He breathed a sigh of relief. "...Would you believe me if I say nothing?"

"Considering you're dressed like a White Fang agent and have Weiss' mom slung over your back like a sack of potatoes, and that she's leaking like a faucet? No."

"Damn, I tried. Well, if you must know, Willow concocted an extremely elaborate sexual fantasy to get revenge on her jackass husband. It involves me dressing up like a White Fang agent, then pretending to kidnap her, then filming myself having extremely-rough-but-still-consensual sex with her, all while she pretends she isn't actually going all ahegao and gushing like a geyser. Does that answer any questions you might have?"

"Yes, actually. Though I must admit, this is a little out-there for you."

"I'm surprised you're accepting my explanation so easily."

"If it was anyone else, I would have called bullshit. Since it's Willow Schnee, I think it's too stupid not to be true. And honestly, I sympathize with the woman – if I was married to Jacques Schnee, I'd want revenge, too." She paused for a moment, seeming to suddenly think of something. "...Say, so long as you're in the mood for helping people get revenge on their jackass lovers, would you be down for helping me get revenge on Adam Taurus?"

"I would, but I'm kind of seeing someone already."

"But you haven't even heard the scenario I've cooked up. At least hear me out."

Jaune sighed tiredly. "Can you deliver it in thirty seconds or less? I'm kind of in a hurry here, and not just because my shoulder is starting to feel like I spent all day jerking off."

"Thirty seconds is more than enough. Okay, here goes: so I'm the Faunus revolutionary, right? I can even borrow that White Fang outfit you're wearing. You're the brave Huntsman who happened to capture me while on a mission, and now you're interrogating me. Naturally, this interrogation takes the form of a BDSM sex thing, with questionable consent, except I'm totally into it, so it's okay."

"...Geez, does every girl on Team RWBY have a questionable consent fetish?"

"Yes. Here, I'll give you the brief run-down: Yang wants someone to tie her up and then force-fuck her mouth using her hair as handlebars. Weiss is really, really into anal, especially the kind where she acts like she doesn't like it, only she actually loves it to the point where she honestly doesn't care if her hymen never gets broken and instead her partner just uses her ass all the time. Ruby's biggest fantasy is to be tied down and forced to watch as someone else field-strips and cleans Crescent Rose while a vibrator keeps her on the brink of an orgasm, but doesn't actually ever push her over the edge."

Jaune raised an eyebrow at that, and Blake shrugged. "Hey, it's Ruby. The girl has issues. She honestly needs professional help of some kind, but we're all too embarrassed to tell her."

"I'm scared to ask how you know all of this stuff."

"Girls talk about these things, Jaune. Also I'm a complete night owl who can see in the dark perfectly, and the others can't seem to remember that for their lives, so that means I get to overhear someone masturbating pretty much every night. And let me tell you, it's not as fun as it seems – I'm still scarred for life after seeing Ruby pull the bolt off her weapon and stick it up her-"

"Yes, I get it. Thank you for sharing that with me, Blake. Now, do you mind letting me go on my way? I'm kind of busy."

"Oh, sure. Just promise me you'll at least consider my offer."

"Tell you what: if I ever break up with Willow, I'll start thinking about it. Until then I'm going to act like this conversation never happened."

"Fair. Catch you later, Jaune."

"Bye, Blake. Enjoy your night walk, or whatever it is you're doing."

"Don't knock it until you've tried it. Trust me, night walks are infinitely better than listening to Yang diddle herself for the next hour and a half."

With that, Blake walked off. Jaune watched her go before sighing, then shaking his head.

What a strange person.

Still, at least that was over and done with. Now he could finally get back to moving over towards Ozpin's office, and hopefully be done with this whole bizarre episode.

He took a step forward, and that was as far as he made it before the door to Team RWBY's dorm came flying open, revealing Weiss standing there in all her nightgown-clad glory. Yes, I've used that line already, but it fits here too so fuck you.

The two of them locked eyes, and for just a moment, Jaune figured it would go the same way it did with Blake. After all, Weiss was one of the more rational members of Team RWBY, and also apparently a huge degenerate, so it only figured.

Naturally, it didn't go that way.

"Yang, Ruby!" Weiss called. "There's a White Fang member trying to kidnap and sexually assault my mom!"

That was the last thing Jaune remembered hearing before his world turned to pure pain.

When he woke up, it was to the worst headache of his life. Groaning, Jaune grimaced as he brought a hand up to massage his temples. Cracking open one eye, he found himself staring up at the all-too-familiar ceiling of Beacon's hospital. He tried to move, only to find that both his legs were broken.

But on the plus side, he was alone, meaning he could finally get a break from all the insanity.

Of course, the instant the thought crossed his mind, the hospital door opened. He turned and saw it was Willow, who was carrying a tray of food. Her eyes widened when she saw him awake, but she shook it off, instead rushing over and embracing him.

"You're awake!" she declared. "Oh, I was so worried! I was afraid you'd been terribly injured."

"I mean, I did break both my legs," Jaune said.

"Actually, the blonde one did that."

"You know what I meant."

"And it wasn't just two broken legs, by the way. It was also a really bad concussion and… well, I'm not sure what the medical term is for being folded up like a pretzel, but I do know that spines are not meant to bend that way. Luckily your mask came off partway through it, otherwise they probably would have broken you in half. It doesn't hurt too bad, does it?"

"Not really." He paused. "...I'm not paralyzed, am I?"

"No, you're just on enough painkillers to take down a Goliath."

"That's not all that reassuring."

"It's better than being crippled."

"I suppose so." He looked around. "And the others? I didn't hurt them too bad, did I?"

Willow was silent, and Jaune frowned. "...I mean, I'm assuming I got at least one good hit in, right? I'd really hate to learn that I got my ass kicked this hard over a misunderstanding and I didn't even give anyone a black eye or something."

"...I mean, you did flail around and accidentally slap Ruby in the process. Of course, that's what made Yang go ballistic and fold you into a pretzel in the first place, so your mileage may vary on whether or not it was worth it."

"Gods damn it. Was the misunderstanding at least cleared up?"

"Oh, yes. They're all very apologetic, trust me. Ruby and Yang in particular felt really bad. Weiss was… a bit less apologetic."

"As expected. I just want to make sure that they're not going to try and kill me or something."

"Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that."

"That's a relief." He let out a soft sigh. "How are you, Willow? This couldn't have been easy on you."

"Don't try to act like I'm the victim here, Jaune. But if you must know, it was hard, seeing you like that. Thankfully my old friends Alcohol, Liquor, and Booze were there to cheer me up. Oh, and I was also masturbating like an absolute fiend because our brief little roleplay got me really worked up, and I couldn't exactly scratch the itch with you in a coma, so-"

"Wait, I was in a coma? How long was I out?"

"A few days."

"...Was that wise to let me slip into a coma when I had a concussion? I thought that was supposed to be bad. How'd that happen, anyway?"

"...I'm gonna be honest and say that the nurse asked me to watch you, but I was so horny that the instant she left, I stripped naked and started masturbating instead. Then she came back and freaked out that you had slipped into a coma, so I had to pretend like I was in the bathroom for a different reason than what I was actually in there for. It was really embarrassing."

"...Yeah, sounds like it," Jaune said, dumbfounded. "Anyway, what about your plans for revenge? Is that still something you want to do?"

"I'm surprised you're still okay with it."

"Well, now that I'm reasonably certain that the entire campus knows what we were getting up to, the primary danger is gone, so I can actually do it without getting my ass kicked once my legs are healed. I figure that if this is something you really want, then-"

Willow waved him off. "Oh, no. I'm past that now."

"Oh, that's a relief. For a moment, I was worried."

"Yeah. Instead, I decided that there was an even better way to get revenge. It took some planning, but with my primary distraction out of commission over the past few days, I was very motivated to do it."

"...Oh. I'm, uh, actually kind of afraid to ask-"

"Well, maybe it'd be easier if I just showed you."

Willow reached into her pocket, retrieving a folded-up piece of paper. Unfolding it, she handed it to Jaune, and he immediately paled upon seeing the letterhead.

Motion for divorce.

"...Uh, Willow?" he asked, timid. "Is this an actual legal document?"

"It is, in fact, an actual legal document," she said proudly. "As of today, I am completely separated from Jacques. And what's more, I managed to hash it out to where I get to keep the company. Don't ask how – it involves a lot of shady legal dealings and favors to Ironwood. I won't go into details, but let's just say that I hope he enjoys his date with Glynda."

Jaune looked at the paper, then back to Willow, then to the paper, then back to Willow again. He tried his best to find some way this wouldn't result in something bad for him, only to fail miserably.

And it only got worse when Willow spoke again.

"Of course, Jacques will likely come here to try and confront me over this, but I'm not worried."

That was all it took for him to faint.

The one silver lining to the entire situation was that Jaune's sizable aura had enabled him to recover quickly, with his legs being fully healed within a week. Of course, that was just the lesser of two problems. The big problem was that Jacques Schnee – or Jacques No-Longer-a-Schnee, as the case was now – was still set to come pay Willow a visit.

He had no idea what said visit was going to entail, but he didn't trust Jacques of all people to be reasonable or well-tempered about it, because he wasn't an idiot. He may not have known Jacques personally, but he'd heard enough stories to get an idea of what the man was like, and he wasn't impressed, to say the least.

The day soon arrived when Jacques was set to show his face at Beacon. Mercifully, he'd seen fit to make his presence known ahead of time, presumably because he was used to getting the red carpet treatment. Of course, there was no carpet being rolled out for him, mainly because they had all managed to prevent Nora from giving him her fiery red carpet treatment.

Jaune still wasn't sure what she meant by that, but given that it was Nora and she had said it with a large amount of glee, it probably involved explosions. And while he was no fan of Jacques, gibbing the man as he stepped off his Bullhead was probably not the smartest move.

Unfortunately for them all.

So instead, Jaune stood out at Beacon's landing pads, Crocea Mors hooked onto his belt and Willow's hand clutched tightly in his own. Team RWBY was there also, presumably because Weiss was going to be there to support her mother, and for all the hell they had put him through recently, Jaune couldn't help but appreciate their presence.

Off in the distance, a snow-white Bullhead began to descend, touching down in a matter of seconds. The door opened and a ramp unfolded, and the man himself began to descend, straightening out his tie as he went.

"Father," Weiss said, though her voice made it clear that she was saying the word with no love. "I was wondering when you'd show up."

"Hm. I'm sure." He looked around. "I see you've decided to bring the riff-raff along with you."

"Better riff-raff than the likes of someone like you. How's life as a divorcee treating you, by the way? Enjoy having your assets taken away?"

Jacques glared at her but said nothing, instead turning his attention to Willow, his gaze narrowing. He began to walk towards her, but Jaune stepped between them, resting a hand on his sword.

"That's close enough," he said.

Jacques paused mid-stride, scanning Jaune from head to foot. "And who are you, then?"

"Willow's new boyfriend."

"Her new boyfriend? Hm. That figures – she always had odd tastes when it came to the opposite sex."

"I'll say, considering she married you and gave you three kids. And then you proceeded to ruin it with your lust for power."

Jacques actually seemed taken aback by that. "Pardon?"

"You heard me," Jaune spat. "I know all about how you treat your family. You're a failure of a man, treating them like that. If you had any dignity, you'd be ashamed."

"Boy, I don't know what she's been telling you, but that's not the entire story at all."

"Oh? And I'm sure I can trust you to give me the unbiased truth."

"Obviously not, but I can at least tell you a reason why. The real reason why I stopped caring about these people. It's simple, really: I had to actually live with them."

"That's ridiculous."

"No, it isn't. Really think about it, son – you've been dating Willow for how long?"

"A few weeks."

"And how often do you have sex?"

"I'm not going to tell you that."

"Okay, then I'll guess. Five times a night, every night, at minimum. It's often more."

Jaune frowned. "...Okay, you're good at guessing, I'll admit it."

"It wasn't a guess. She had me going three times a night, and I don't have a very strong aura. I figure that with your Huntsman aura, you can recuperate faster than me, meaning you can go for additional rounds easier."

"Alright, so you're right about that. What's your point?"

"My point? Simple: men aren't built that way. Eventually, you start running out of gas in the tank, so to speak. Not that she cares – she'll ride you until you're physically incapable of staying hard."

"That's kind of hot," Blake commented, earning a slap from Weiss.

"So, what?" Jaune asked. "That justifies you treating her like shit?"

"Obviously not, but do you not at least understand where I'm coming from? She's insufferable! Every night, she wants more and more and more! I couldn't take it anymore! Finally, I decided I needed a break. Of course, by then we had three children, and I don't know if you've met any of my children, but they're all awful people."

"You're one to talk!" Ruby shouted.

"No, seriously, do you know Weiss at all? Name me one redeeming feature about her right now. I'll wait."

Ruby opened her mouth, then closed it, bringing a hand up to rub her chin as she thought. Weiss' jaw dropped.

"Ruby!"

"Hey, it's not my fault you're kind of mean," Ruby said. "I mean, still besties and all, but he's kind of got me there."

"See what I mean?" Jacques said. "Even her friend can't find anything good to say about her. And it's the same for all of them – Whitley is a huge brat who's doing his best to try to impress me and failing miserably, and Winter abandoned the family even harder than I did. Seriously, we're all just varying degrees of terrible people."

"Well, that may be," Willow declared, "but at least my ass isn't terrible."

Jaune had to concede that point to her – her ass was, in fact, fantastic. Oh, and she wasn't nearly as terrible as everyone else in the family, so that was also a plus.

But mostly it was her ass.

"Look, this is ridiculous," Jaune said. "Why are you even here, man? You're not going to change anyone's mind."

"Truthfully, I came here knowing that I wasn't going to change anyone's mind. I just wanted to rant at people and have them listen. I used to do that for work, but I can't anymore now that I've been ousted out of the SDC. Do you have any idea how hard it is being a father and not being able to rant at people over nothing? It's one of the most difficult things I've had to do in my entire life, besides put up with my family."

"In their defense, that's on you," Jaune pointed out. "Sure, your family's a pack of dicks, but that's no excuse for being a dick back to them."

"I mean, you don't have to-"

"No, shut up! Jacques, honestly, just get the fuck out of here. Like seriously, what was your plan? Come here and rant at us like we're just going to take it?" He paused. "Actually, you know what? I'm just gonna walk away, because there's nothing you can do about it. You have zero power here."

With that, he turned on his heel and began to walk away, all while Jacques stared at him, dumbstruck.

"Hey, wait! Come back! This is a perfectly good opportunity to listen to an old man rant aimlessly about nothing!"

Jaune paid him no mind, instead continuing to walk as Willow hung off his arm. Once they were out of earshot, she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"Wow Jaune, the way you put my ex in his place really riled me up," she said. "Let's go back to my room and break the legs off the bed."

Well, who was he to argue with an offer like that from a businesswoman like her?

It's about fucking time I get to Willow. I've honestly wanted to do this chapter ever since she first showed up in canon, but other things have taken precedent over her. It's nice to finally get to her, though.

So, with this, there's only one MILF left, and I think you all know who it is. And don't worry, I'll get to her soon enough, and I'll be sure to do it in a way that completely avoids any NTR.

And speaking of NTR, that was probably the biggest issue I had with this chapter, which isn't saying much because I got over it pretty quickly once I remembered that Jacques doesn't actually love Willow in the slightest, therefore he honestly wouldn't give a shit what she did behind his back, therefore there's really no NTR. This is probably the one scenario where a character in this fic cheating on someone else is actually completely justified, given the shit he put her through.

Probably the only other difficulty I had was deciding exactly how much of a drunkard I wanted to make Willow. I figured I could go all-out with it, but I kind of already did that with Qrow, and I didn't feel like repeating myself. Plus, the whole 'drunk-people-as-comedy' thing gets old fast. So instead I defaulted to the weird sex fantasy thing and went from there. Personally, I prefer that over an entire chapter of someone getting plastered and fucking things up for everyone else, especially when she's portrayed as a tragic drunk in the show.

But yeah, not much else to say.

Next update: Saturday, February 20th.