Chapter Twenty One — Hesitation
6 Months Ago
Elizabeth pushed her head back, leaning into the seat in her motorcade. A brief moment to pause and compose herself after her exhausting therapy session before entering her family home, a place which felt so alien to her recently, a place where her daily struggles were slowly becoming silent battles.
'Ma-am?'
'Two minutes Matt' she mustered, her eyes pulled closed as she attempted to clear her mind. Her hands balled into fists and pushed into her thighs as she opened her chest and inhaled, she held her breath momentarily before succumbing to the shaky exhale. Elizabeth dug deep into her pit to push her limbs up and exit the car, using every ounce of remaining energy she had to walk to the door, slowly pushing it open and walking in. A cold breeze ran past her as her security details moved around, placing her bag behind her. She glanced over her shoulder and smiled at the female member of staff softly as she nodded firmly, exiting the McCord household.
'Hey guys! Mom's home early' Alison smiled as she blundered down the stairs, her arms flinging open and wrapping them around her mother. Elizabeth planted a soft kiss upon her daughter's head, and held her close, using Alison's innocence as a shield. She smiled softly as Ali dragged her towards the kitchen.
'Mom you're actually home for dinner!' Stevie joked as she finished cooking up. Elizabeth pulled a face at her and giggled gently, a fitting reply for her daughter, but a facade for Elizabeth, another way to hide the fact she had no energy to even speak.
'Hey Mom, I noticed that there was no national crisis today, easy day at the office for you then' Jason mocked and Elizabeth gently swatted him.
'No National crisis that you're aware of you mean' Henry chirped in, he winked at Elizabeth as he walked over to her, his hand softly running down her arm as he planted a soft kiss upon her cheek. Her eyes closed as he made contact with her skin, an act to shut out her internal thoughts surrounding their relationship. Henry looked down and focused on her, that smile didn't wash over him as easily as it did the kids, but he knew there was a time and a place, and it certainly wasn't now, so he stepped back and left her with a gentle squeeze of the arm.
'That smells really good Stevie but, I'm just so tired, I'm going to call it a night' she half heartedly smiled, avoiding Henry's gaze. She walked over to her daughter and kissed her cheek softly before ignoring all their pleas for her to stay and walking upstairs to the sanctuary of her bedroom.
Henry watched her leave, her shoulders low and her arms hanging at her side, no control left within her as she walked up the stairs and out of his sight. He sighed inwardly to himself and chewed at his lip, his own mind consumed with uncertainty. He was watching his wife fall apart in front of him, yet struggled with his own feelings of betrayal from her; his inability to let go of the events in Geneva provided a clear barrier between them.
A barrier Elizabeth didn't even know the reason for… yet.
He ran his hands through his hair and pushed those thoughts deep down, and smiled at the kids, taking a plate from Stevie,
'Let's Eat' he beamed and sat down with his kids. His body physically there but his mind drifting to the woman upstairs…
Elizabeth had taken a seat on the window bay in their room, her eyes fixed out the window as her back leant against the wall, her arms hanging loosely in her lap as she let her legs fall freely, one resting against the wall gently and the other hanging over the edge. Her body ached, yet she was unable to identify the root cause, she couldn't understand why she felt so deflated. In truth she knew recent events were slowly taking their toll on her, despite how much she battled with herself that they were not.
'Would you like to talk?' Her eyes closed instantly, her heart hurting as the softness of her husband's voice drifted through the air and attempted to offer her some comfort. Her eyes remained fixed, she couldn't even speak to him, afraid of what she'd ask him, afraid of the truth, the truth she didn't know.
'Tough therapy session?' He pushed a little further, closing the bedroom door behind him, walking slowly over to her side of the bed taking a seat. His body yearned to reach out to her, but he couldn't, he was still so angry at her, he tortured himself for it, feeling ashamed of his emotions, the resentment towards a decision that he wasn't even sure if she knew about at this point in time.
Silence.
Henry began to chew at his lip, the lack of communication from her was pushing all his buttons, buttons which beneath the surface were already well and truly pressed. He took a few moments before pushing her again.
'You need to open up'
'I thought that's why you arranged for me to see Dr Sherman?' Came the dry reply, her gaze still not removing from the window.
'That doesn't mean you stop talking to me' he whispered but she heard him her eyes closing once again, this time blocking out the pain she was causing him. She knew about the decision Conrad and herself made in relation to Dimitri, she didn't have all the pieces of how that conversation went down, but she knew somewhere inside that she would have agreed with him. She also knew Henry was his handler and could only imagine how angry he was at her, most of her frustrations were coming from the fact he wasn't showing her that, he himself blocked the communication from her.
'Say's the one who stopped talking long before I did' she tilted her head and locked her eyes on his, her icy glare piercing through him.
'What?' He shook his head. She remained motionless as she sat before him, her face almost expressionless as she looked at him.
'I don't understand why you're not yelling at me? I know the decision made by Conrad and I, I know about your involvement with Dimitri, and I know you left Geneva without me, but what I don't know is the middle part. But I know you Henry, I know how involved you get with these things, I remember vague conversations you and I have had about him, arguments even. But what I don't know is why you're sitting here telling me we're ok when we can't be…' she remained calm as she spoke, her mind hazed with thoughts as she attempted to gain some understanding.
'You almost died in Geneva, I don't think what did or didn't happen is relevant'
'But it is to me Henry, I still have so many gaps in my memory still and you being vague isn't helping me.' She hissed and snapped her head back to the window. Henry paused, a moment of hesitation to contemplate lying to her again, there was always a moment of hesitation these days before he replied.
'You told me' he croaked and cleared his throat. 'I was out going to retrieve Dimitri from the secure location, I came back to the hotel to tell you we had been found out and that's when you told me about the decision' she slowly turned to face him, she swung her legs down over the ledge as she leant forward listening to him. 'We had an argument, a fairly vicious one and I know now that you made the right decision but at the time, I just couldn't stand to hear you talk about making decisions based on the greater good'
And there is was; the keywords that triggered her mind into a flashback, she was right back in Geneva, in the room with Henry remembering it all;
'We had to think of the greater good' her voice broke in places as she attempted to compose herself. Henry's eyes were alight as he stepped forward, inching closer to her as he inhaled,
'You know what they'll do to him'
'I'm sorry' the words were barely a whisper as she dipped her head in disappointment.
'No, there has to be another way, I am going to go and talk to Conrad myself' He stormed over to grab his jacket.
'Henry Don't' she pleaded, 'Please don't, We were faced with an impossible decision and it wasn't his fault'
'Here we go again. Always defining him Elizabeth!' His voice peaked at the mention of her name.
'Henry look at you! This is about America and Russia potentially going to war and you're making this about Conrad and I again, you're making this personal'
'IT IS PERSONAL' he roared, his voice bouncing off the walls and she jolted to attention. She pushed her teeth together hard to stop herself from snapping back, knowing it wouldn't be healthy for them.
She looked up at him with fear in her eyes, so many more questions engulfing her as the argument between them continued to unfold in her head, her chest tightened as she gasped for air.
'You said we were ok, you left because you were angry at me, you… that's why I was calling you when the accident happened. Conrad and I? What did I mean..I said you were making it about Conrad and I again, what did that mean?' The grit in her throat was evident as she pressed for answers. Henry groaned in response, he had secretly been enjoying the fact Teresa Hurst was in charge at the moment as it meant he had his wife back at times, well, at least she came home more.
'That look on your face says it all, Henry what is going on with us? What am I missing here?' Her voice crept up a little as her energy came back.
'Nothing Elizabeth, we had just had a few arguments prior to Geneva' he stood up and shook his head, walking away from her not wanting this conversation
'Arguments about what?' She asked
'Nothing!'
'It can't be nothing when you're acting like this! It doesn't even matter Henry, nothing or not, I still deserve to know!' She too stood, her levels of inferior slowly rising to his.
'About you! About your involvement with Conrad, about how you do everything and anything for him, you constantly tried to tell me you didn't and that it was just your job, but here we have Teresa in charge and you're home for Dinner the majority of nights, you're not waking frequently in the night to rush into work for him, nothing. I finally have my wife back, just like I did before all this Secretary of State crap.' He snapped, his hands flapping around in front of him as his anger spilled onto the floor before them.
'Thats unfair! Henry I am working reduced hours at the minute of course I am going to be home more. And my team is refusing to call me between the hours of 10pm and 7am to make sure I get a rest. We talked about me taking this job Henry, don't you dare use it against me' She scoffed, folding her arms across her chest.
Henry just looked at her and shook his head profusely, annoyed that she couldn't see it.
'Henry if you want me to just quit why don't you just go ahea-'
'I want you to quit,' he cut across her, shocking them both.
Silence.
'I…I can't, not while Conrad is still in the hospital Henry, He needs me' she pleaded and Henry looked at her, his insides turning as she pulled out her excuses. 'What does it mean if I can't quit? For us I mean?' Her voice shaking, the vulnerability pouring out. Henry sighed heavily, the image of her shaking in front of him hurt him to the very core. He closed his eyes and sighed.
'Sorry, I don't want you to quit, not really. I just… I don't even know Elizabeth'
'I know that feeling' she sighed and took a seat back on the window bay, her hands gripping on the edge of the ledge as she looked at her feet, balancing her foot on the heel as she rocked them, watching slowly trying to distract herself from the chaos within their safe haven.
'I'm just so glad you're ok Elizabeth, I thought I was going to lose you after the attack' he almost cried, she glanced up, tears within her own eyes as she watched him attempt to control the lump in his throat.
'Oh Henry' her words soft as her tears threatened to fall. 'I'm all messed up' she whimpered and dipped her head as the salty tears fell. Henry quickly moved to her side and pulled her in, squeezing her into his chest as he repeatedly kissed the top of her head, his tears mixing with her hair as she gripped onto him hard.
'Shhh, it's ok babe, it's ok' he soothed her. Henry slowly lowered himself and rested upon his knees before her. He captured her hands and rested his head on their hands. Elizabeth leant forward and rested her head on his; no words exchanged just a rare intimate moment between them, one with no hesitation.