Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 36: Saphron Arc, or: SWEET HOME ALABAMA
"Jaune, what are you doing?"
Jaune peered out from his hiding spot underneath his bed, doing his best to maintain his composure. "I'm hiding under my bed so Saphron doesn't find me."
Ren rolled his eyes. "Jaune, I'm sure your sister isn't that bad."
"You don't know her the way I know her!"
Honestly, he should have expected this would happen when he first received that message from Saphron a few days ago. Of course, he had known that nothing he had to say would possibly dissuade her surprise trip to Beacon to visit him, but that didn't mean he had to be there when she was there.
Unfortunately, Team RWBY getting rough and rowdy with the White Fang meant there were consequences for everyone, and he was now confined to Beacon for the time being along with the rest of the student body. That meant he couldn't leave campus and hide out in Vale unless he wanted Miss Goodwitch on his ass, which he really didn't, because she was just about the scariest thing he had seen aside from the Grimm and Saphron.
"I don't get it," Nora stated. "What's so bad about your older sister?"
"You wouldn't understand," Jaune insisted.
"If this is some kind of sibling thing, I don't think anyone in this dorm room would understand," Pyrrha said. "We're all only children, after all."
"Maybe he could talk to Ruby, Yang, or Weiss?" Ren offered. "I mean, they've all got siblings, so-"
"That won't work," Jaune replied, shaking his head. "You all just don't understand what Saphron is like towards me. If you knew the truth, you'd understand why I'm hiding from her."
"So help us understand," Pyrrha said. "What's so bad about her? Did she do something embarrassing to you when you were younger?"
"...Something like that."
"You're unbelievable," Ren stated. He shook his head. "Look, can we at least get an idea of how bad this is? I'd like to know if this is something we should the police or a therapist involved in."
"Police, no. Therapist… probably. And I mean an actual therapist, not Peach."
"You're just saying that because you want that sexy fox Faunus doctor that only works with fourth-years."
"You don't know that!"
There was a knock at the door, and Jaune's eyes went wide. "Shit, shit! I'm not here!"
"I can hear you from out here, little brother," Saphron said from the other side of the door.
"Fuck! Okay, it's been nice knowing you all, but I've gotta go! See you never! Goodbye, thank you!"
Jaune darted out from under the bed, rushing over to the window before throwing it open. He managed to get one leg up on the windowsill before Pyrrha used her semblance on his belt to pull him back. He tried to reach out and grab the window, but all he succeeded in doing was scoring deep gouges in the wood as Pyrrha pulled him back.
"Quit being ridiculous," she stated. "Your sister came all this way to see you. The least you could do is spend the weekend with her."
"Please no..." Jaune whimpered.
But it was too late. Nora opened the door, and Saphron looked around before her gaze settled on him. Slowly, a grin crossed her face.
"Hello, little brother," she said, making him pale.
Jaune tried to scramble away again, but with Pyrrha holding him there, there was nothing he could do. Saphron strode over to him before sweeping him up in a big hug, burying his face in her cleavage in the process.
"Oh, I missed you!" she said as he squirmed, though she was careful to hold him there.
After a moment, she let him go. Jaune sputtered, catching his breath as he tried to straighten himself out. Swallowing nervously, he looked over to his sister, giving her a shaky wave in greeting.
"H-hey, Saph. What brings you here?"
"Oh, you know," she said. "Finally broke up with my girlfriend and decided to spend some time with my favorite man in the world."
"...You broke up with Terra? Why?"
"Ah, you know – sometimes it just doesn't work out. There wasn't a big fight or anything, we just drifted apart and finally decided to call it off. Makes me glad I never ended up pushing things forward like I intended to – can you imagine if we'd actually gotten married and had a kid together? That would have been an awkward divorce."
"...Heh, yeah."
"Yup, it's almost convenient, how it ended up working out. It's just funny to think about how things perfectly aligned to make for the best possible situation here, where nobody is upset, or even worse, getting cucked. Because that'd be awkward and horrible, wouldn't it? It's almost like the universe is keeping an eye out for us, making sure that nothing too bad happens for fear of some kind of cosmic backlash."
"I mean, we're talking NTR," Nora observed. "Any kind of backlash would be well-deserved."
"Right? It's no wonder things fell perfectly into place to avoid that fate. But anyway, I'm not here to discuss the intricacies of the universe and how overjoyed I am that nobody is getting cucked, I'm here to spend time with my favorite little brother."
"...I'm your only little brother," Jaune pointed out.
Saphron chuckled, pulling him into a one-armed hug. "That's why you're my favorite, Jaune!" She gave him a sultry look, fluttering her eyelashes in the process. "My favorite."
Jaune swallowed nervously, but before he could say anything, Saphron turned towards the other members of his team. "So," she asked, "what do you all do for fun around here?"
"Sit around the cafeteria, banter with each other over trivial things, and let shenanigans happen," Ren replied.
"Ooh, I like banter and shenanigans! Let's do that."
"I'll go get Team RWBY," Ren said. "Man, talk about a school about nothing… how do we know when it's over? It's seriously the same shit, every fucking day..."
Jaune ignored his friend's ranting in favor of keeping an eye on his sister. Nora and Pyrrha weren't paying attention to her, instead talking about something between themselves, but Jaune was. That was how he managed to catch her barely-audible statement, while the others didn't.
"Tonight. You."
Knowing Saphron, it was a promise more than anything. Jaune swallowed nervously, sending up a silent prayer to the Gods to keep him safe.
"So after that, Dad decided that we weren't allowed to play in the forest outside the house anymore. And to think it all started because Jaune here kicked the ball a little too far into the treeline."
"In his defense, how was he supposed to know that there'd be some crazy bandit lady, wandering around in his backyard?" Pyrrha asked.
"Remind me again why she was there?" Blake requested. "I'm still a bit fuzzy on that."
"We don't know for sure, but we think she was scouting people out to kidnap and then ransom back," Saphron replied. "Fortunately, Jaune's oblivious, so he was more tempted by the ice cream she was offering him than by the miniskirt she was wearing, otherwise we might have had a problem. Even better, he was apparently completely down to take just the ice cream until she specified that it was pistachio flavor, and then he didn't want it. That started an argument between them which lasted long enough for Dad to come out and drive her away."
"That's understandable though, because pistachio is straight nasty," Ruby said.
"...Why does this woman sound so familiar?" Yang asked.
"No idea." Saphron shook her head. "Anyway, yeah. That's the story of how my little brother almost got kidnapped and sold for ransom by some insane miniskirt-wearing bandit lady, and how the only reason why he didn't go with her is because the ice cream she offered him was a flavor he didn't like."
"...Can we not fill this entire time with embarrassing stories about me?" Jaune requested.
"I mean, as much as I'd like to, we'd be here all day if I did."
"No, please do," Weiss asked. "This is my revenge for him bothering me so much."
"Oh, he bothered you?" Saphron asked. "That's unlike Jaune. I mean, sure, he's a huge dork, but I've never known him to be a nuisance before."
Jaune sighed, tired. "...In her defense, I was being a real pain in the ass. Though I'd like to think we're past that."
"We will be when I get one more funny story," Weiss insisted. "So, Saphron – got any more?"
"I've got loads of 'em. But, what do you both mean, he was being a nuisance? I still don't really understand."
"Oh, Jaune kind of had a crush on Weiss that he wasn't subtle about at all," Ruby explained. "He tried really hard to get her to go out with him, but it didn't work."
"And it wouldn't have been that bad if I had just taken no for an answer, I know," Jaune finished. Again, he sighed. "What is this, Embarrass Jaune Day?"
"I thought that was every day," Blake said.
"I mean, it is, but only because he's the best target," Yang explained. "Hate to break it to you, dude, but you're kind of a dork."
"It's part of his charm, though," Saphron insisted, throwing an arm around his shoulder and pulling him close. She glanced back at Weiss. "Though, I'm surprised he went after you, considering you're not really his type."
"Ooh, Jaune has a type?" Yang questioned, leaning in. "Tell me more, sister."
"Nope!" Jaune said. "Nuh-uh! No talking about my dating life anymore!"
"I mean, if you'd like, I could just tell them the story about how June used to use you for makeup practice," Saphron offered.
"Okay, never mind, dating life it is… but I won't be happy about it."
"Great. Anyway, Weiss, you're not really Jaune's type, which is why I'm surprised he went for you. Generally, he's attracted to a different kind of girl."
"Don't keep us in suspense," Pyrrha said, eager to know more. "What's his type?"
"Well, if you must know, Jaune has a specific set of traits he really, really likes in women. He likes long hair, blondes, girls with light-colored eyes, and older women."
They all exchanged glances with each other before Ruby looked back over to him. "...You have a thing for Professor Goodwitch?"
"No, I don't," he insisted. "Saphron is completely wrong about the types of women I like. In fact, I actually prefer the opposite to everything she just said."
"Bullshit," Yang replied, a grin crossing her face. "She just totally nailed you and now you're trying your hardest to weasel out of it."
Jaune shuddered, the words 'Saphron' and 'nailed' bringing up several unpleasant thoughts. "...I can see why you'd think that-"
"Yeah, because it's true."
"-But I'm serious. My type is actually different from that."
"So you're saying you don't have a thing for Miss Goodwitch?" Nora asked.
"No, I don't."
"...You gay or something? I mean, it's okay if you are, but are you sure you're not? Because it's Miss Goodwitch. I'm not even a lesbian and I can admit she's hot. If you're a man and that pencil skirt doesn't even get a wiggle down there, you might have some questions to start asking yourself. Just saying."
"...Okay, fine. Miss Goodwitch is hot-"
"See, now you're just saying that," Blake pointed out. "You readily denied having a thing for her until someone pointed out the unfortunate implications of doing so, and now you're trying to backpedal."
"That doesn't even make sense!"
"It makes perfect sense. Yang, how's your gaydar?"
"What are you talking about?" Yang asked. "I'm pretty sure I'm not gay."
"I saw you checking out my ass in the locker room yesterday. I even wore my best pair of sexy underwear just because I knew it'd get your attention."
"...Are you trying to say you're gay for me?"
"Yes."
"What the fuck, then why don't you just use your gaydar on him?!"
"Because I'm a Faunus, and he's a human. We might have different social norms when it comes to homosexuality."
"Like what?!"
"Well, in Faunus culture, you can be gay and still fuck a member of the opposite sex."
"Isn't that just being bisexual?" Nora asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No, see, because the entire point of it is that you just think you're bisexual, you're not actually bisexual."
"Is this entire segment just a big cope for you to try and explain how dating Adam Taurus actually makes you full-on gay rather than just bisexual?" Ren questioned. "Because you can just come out and say that dating him was so awful that you're off men forever. I'm pretty sure none of us would hold that against you considering that it's Adam Taurus."
"Right, but that's dishonest, because I still have my fujoshi yaoi romance fantasies," Blake insisted. "Anyway, my point is, that my Faunus gaydar doesn't work on Jaune, so I need Yang to do it."
"Thanks for telling everyone, by the way," Yang said, crossing her arms. "You know, just go ahead and rip that card out of my hand before I can even reveal it to everyone. Really hit me with that proverbial PSY-Framelord Omega, I'm sure nothing bad will come from it. It's definitely nowhere near as shitty in real life as it is in the game, no sir."
"Just draw Effect Veiler, idiot. It's that easy. You're not bad at card games, are you?"
"Fuck you."
"Yang, you do realize it's Beacon, right?" Ruby asked. "I'm pretty sure half the people here are gay and nobody cares at all."
"Right, but it's the principle of the thing, Ruby."
"...Alright, yeah, I guess it is kind of scummy. Blake's just being a crappy tabby, same as always."
"Oh, she's being an anal angora?" Nora asked.
"A BM burmese," Yang added.
"A dookie devon rex," Ren said.
"Look, can we just do this gaydar thing already?" Blake insisted. "You can all come up with more clever yet demeaning and also mildly racist nicknames for me and my heritage after we've answered this question."
"Alright, fine, I'll use my gaydar on Jaune." Yang stared at him for a moment before shaking her head. "Nah, he's ninety-five percent straight."
"Damn! I thought for sure-" Blake paused. "...Ninety-five percent? What's the other-"
"Astolfo."
"Oh, of course. I'm not even a fan of that series and I'm still mad about it being ruined by coomers. Way to go, Jaune – you are the cancer killing anime. How does it feel?"
"What are we even talking about at this point?" Saphron questioned.
Ruby waved her off. "Ah, don't worry – this happens all the time. You get used to it."
"If you say so… anyway, I can assure you all that Jaune isn't gay, no matter how weird he gets about his tastes in women."
"I'm not the one being weird about that!" Jaune insisted. "You're all the ones being weird about it! And if you all must know, I like girls with-"
That was as far as he got before Saphron clamped her hand over her mouth, silencing him with a grin on her face. "Easy there, little brother! No need to be so bashful – we all know you like older blondes with long hair."
Jaune glared at her, but it died when she gave him a sideways glance that left him quaking in his boots. Her promise from earlier came back to the forefront of his mind, and he found himself swallowing nervously once more.
Something told him that when night fell, he was going to be in trouble.
It was around dinnertime that Saphron had made her first big move known – namely, that she had arranged for a private room for herself and Jaune, courtesy of Ozpin. How she had managed to talk him into that, Jaune wasn't quite sure, but then again he had learned long ago not to doubt Saphron or her ways – out of everyone in the Arc clan, she was the one who was most known for being able to sweet-talk people. He was the one exception to her charms… which, now that he thought about it, might have been the reason why she was so fixated on him.
In any case, he hadn't been able to get out of rooming with Saphron. His friends had even locked him out of his own room, insisting that they didn't quite get why he was acting so weird around her. That meant that unless he wanted to sleep in the hall or in a bathroom or closet or something, he was stuck rooming with her. And since Beacon was a school filled with hormonal teenagers, he didn't trust the floors to be completely clean and free of reproductive fluids, hence why he was now stuck with Saphron. That didn't mean he was going to just let her do what she wanted, though.
And so, when Saphron came out of the bathroom after her shower dressed purely in a set of pink lingerie and thigh highs, and giving him the most intense set of bedroom eyes he'd ever seen in his life, Jaune was unfazed; he was certain his secret weapon would work.
"So," Saphron said, striding over to his bed with some extra sway in her step. "I've been waiting for this for a long time, little brother."
"Just your whole life, you mean," Jaune replied. "Considering we've never actually, you know, done anything. Not for lack of trying on your part, but still."
Saphron pouted. "I don't get why you're so insistent on turning me down. I love you, Jaune."
"And I love you… just as my sister. I'm not Blake, which means I'm not into incest."
"You forget the rules, Jaune – it's not incest if you say no chromo."
"Funny, but that's not actually a thing."
"No, it really is. It's actually in the charter the four kingdoms signed after the Great War. Look it up."
"Nice try, but that won't work."
Saphron sighed. "Leave it to you to turn down a hot older woman who's literally offering herself to you."
"You're my sister, Saph. And besides, I thought you were a lesbian?"
"I am, but I'm also Jaunesexual. You're my one exception to my girls-only thing."
"Why me?"
"Because I know you, and I know how charming you can be."
"But I'm a huge dork! You even said so earlier!"
"Yeah, and I also said it's part of your charm, which it is." She put a hand on her hip. "Look, just one night."
"No!"
"A few hours."
"Nope!"
"A single creampie."
"Negative!"
"Five minutes in my ass, no lube."
"Nuh-uh!"
"One round of oral until I cum."
"Not gonna happen!"
"I'll suck you off."
"Nein!"
"...How about just a hug and a kiss?"
Jaune was about to deny her again when he saw how disappointed she was. Her cocky grin was gone, replaced with a sad frown. She was even carrying herself with less confidence, as if all her hopes and dreams had just been dashed. Despite himself, Jaune couldn't help but feel some sympathy for her – sure, she was a degenerate pervert who wanted nothing more than to hop on her only brother's dick, but she was still his sister, and he still loved her platonically.
"...Alright," he conceded.
Immediately, Saphron perked up. She strode over to his bed, and he sat up with his arms outstretched. She fell into his embrace, with him wrapping both arms around her and her reciprocating with just her right.
"I love you, little brother," she said.
"I love you too, Saph," he replied.
They held the embrace for a few seconds, and all was good… right up until Jaune heard the dull sound of fabric hitting the carpet. He opened his mouth to ask what was going on, and Saphron seized her opportunity, pressing her mouth against his. Caught by surprise, Jaune flailed around as she used her superior leverage to push him down onto the bed, swinging herself on top of him in the process. It was then that he realized what he had heard, his eyes going wide.
Saphron finally pulled her mouth off of his, enough to smirk at him. "Like what you see, Jaune?"
"Fuck no!" he cried, covering his eyes. "Put your panties back on!"
"Why won't you love me, Jaune?! I can be anything you want me to be!"
"I want you to be fully dressed and not horny!"
"I even shaved everything down there just for you! I know how much you like girls to not have pubes!"
"How can you be my sister and claim to love me, yet have everything wrong about the type of women I like?!"
Jaune continued trying to scramble out from underneath her, but Saphron had him pinned, and while he could have just thrown her off, he didn't want to risk hurting her. Of course, his reluctance to do so coupled with him refusing to take his hands away from covering his eyes just made it even easier for her to do what she wanted, which was made abundantly clear when he heard her unhook her bra and drop it on the floor next to the bed.
"Jaune, come on," Saphron said. "You're how old, and you're still a virgin? Just let me take care of that for you already."
"I'm in no rush to have sex! I'm perfectly fine with staying a virgin until I meet the right girl, even if it takes awhile!" he exclaimed.
"Then it's a good thing I'm here."
"I didn't mean you were the right person! Get off!"
"Oh, believe me, I intend to."
"I didn't mean in that way!"
"I reject your reality and substitute my own. Now, let's get these pants off."
She reached down and grabbed hold of his pajama pants – causing him to curse Pyrrha for forcing him to get rid of his onesie, as that would have saved him at the moment – and Jaune held his breath as she pulled, bringing both his pants and his underwear down to his ankles… only for her to pause.
"...Jaune, what the fuck is this?" she asked.
"Ha!" Jaune said, though he was careful to keep his eyes closed so he didn't have to see his sister naked. "I tricked you!"
"...Are you wearing a fucking chastity belt?"
"You're Gods-damn right, I'm wearing a fucking chastity belt! Let's see you try and sleep with me now, demon!"
"I… I just… what? What the fuck?"
"You made the mistake of telling me you were coming a few days ahead of time," he said, proud of himself. "I had this thing overnighted yesterday, and have been wearing it since this morning specifically because I knew you would try to do something like this."
"...Okay, I'm actually impressed you'd go this far."
"Anything to not have to fuck my sister."
"So… what, are you gonna wear this thing all weekend?"
"Yes. And don't even think about trying to look for the key – I've hidden it away so well, you'll never find it."
"Oh, I have my ways, little brother. You underestimate my power."
Just then, the door came flying open. Jaune felt the blood drain from his face when he saw who it was.
"What are you two doing?!" Weiss demanded, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. "Some of us are trying to-"
She trailed off when she saw the state of the room. Her eyes traveled to Saphron, then to Saprhon's chest, then to Jaune's crotch, and finally to Jaune himself. He felt himself flush red from embarrassment, which was unfortunate, because it meant that he was unprepared for Saphron to beat him to the punch.
"It's exactly what it looks like," Saphron said, proud.
That was all Weiss needed to hear, as she instantly turned around and slammed the door behind her. Jaune watched her go, feeling the soul drain from his body. He looked back at Saphron, who had thankfully climbed off of him and was starting to put her clothes back on.
"What did you just do…?" he asked, though he already knew he'd be afraid to hear her answer.
"Simple, little brother," she replied as she pulled her underwear on. "Weiss is going to go tell everyone about what she saw tonight. That means that they're all going to know about our special relationship. And from there, all I'll have to do is convince them to accept it, and I'll be that much closer to having it come true."
"You're fucking insane, Saph. That will never work."
"I guess we'll see, then. Just know, Jaune, that I will make you mine one day."
"You realize that all I have to do is tell Mom and Dad about this, right? They'll never let this go on."
"Do it, then. See what they have to say. You won't."
That made him pause. If Saphron was acting so confident about that, the one thing that he was absolutely certain would put an end to her trying to sleep with him, then clearly she knew something he didn't. What if she had already made it clear to his parents just how deep her love for him went? What if they didn't care? Worse, what if they approved? If either of those were the case and he went to his parents about Saphron, then at best he could expect zero help, and at worse, they might actively try to push him and Saphron together.
Swallowing nervously, Jaune reached down and pulled his pants up. "...Fine. You win this round."
"Of course I do. I'll make you love me, Jaune. It's just a matter of time."
Somehow, he didn't doubt her nearly as much as he once did.
Predictably, breakfast was a very, very awkward affair. All of his friends were giving him sideways glances, like they thought he was some kind of degenerate… and he honestly couldn't even fault them for it, given what they thought he had done with his sister.
"Okay, look," he began. "I know you all have several questions-"
"Pervert," Weiss said.
"-Plus some choice words, but I just want to say, it's not what you all think."
"Then explain," Yang said, crossing his arms. "Because from what Weiss told us, you and your sister were doing some weird sex things together."
"We absolutely were," Saphron said, nodding. "Super kinky sex things, involving male chastity."
"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"
"It's not what you think!" Jaune exclaimed. "I was wearing it to keep Saphron away from me!"
"Yeah, that's kind of the point of a chastity belt," Saphron pointed out.
"Yeah, but it wasn't part of a weird sex thing! You all wanted to know why I was afraid of Saphron coming to Beacon? It's because of this! She's trying to fuck my brains out, hence why I wear the belt!"
"So it's like consensual non-consent?" Pyrrha asked.
"Wha- no! No, there's nothing consensual about it at all!"
"So why not just throw her off of you if it's not consensual?" Nora questioned.
"I mean, I would if she ever got too close to forcing me to penetrate her, but I don't want to risk hurting her! She doesn't have aura, and I do, and-" He paused, then looked over to Saphron, his eyes narrowing. "Oh, you're good."
"I have no idea what you're insinuating, Jaune," she said, smug.
"Oh, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You've avoided having your aura unlocked specifically because you know I'd be afraid of manhandling you if you tried to force me into something, meaning you can actually overpower me without actually overpowering me."
"Maybe. Or maybe I'm just masochistic and like it when you get rough, and aura interferes with that."
"I'm gonna be sick," Pyrrha stated, clutching at her stomach.
"Can you two take your weird incest thing somewhere else?" Ruby requested. "The rest of us are trying to eat breakfast."
"There's nothing incestuous about us!" Jaune protested.
"I beg to differ," Weiss said with a shudder. "Seriously, the rest of you didn't have to see it..."
"It's not what you think, damn it!"
"I don't know what you're all complaining about." Blake shrugged. "I think this whole thing is pretty damn hot."
"Yeah, but you're a complete degenerate," Yang argued.
"True, but I'm also a complete degenerate with a mom who's smoking hot, who I'd totally make a pass at if she wasn't married to my dad. But at least I can live vicariously through Jaune." She turned to him. "You two have my full support. All I ask in return is that I get to sit in the corner and watch one time."
"Fuck off!" Jaune stated.
"Sure, Blake," Saphron said.
"Saphron, why?!"
"I'm confused as to why she's the one who's super into this and completely shameless about it, and Jaune isn't," Ruby pointed out. "Guys, is it at least possible that Jaune's telling the truth?"
"Of course not!" Blake replied. "Ruby, think about it – girls aren't usually complete degenerates about things like this, right? I mean, obviously we know what we like, but we're not generally super in-your-face about it. That obviously means that when we are super in-your-face about it, that we're being genuine with what we're saying. You can't fake that kind of thing if you're a girl. Meanwhile, Jaune is a guy, and guys fake being into sex stuff all the time."
"Citation needed," Ren stated, earning him a glance from everyone else but Jaune. "Oh, please – I don't believe Jaune in the slightest, but as the only other penis-haver at this table, I have to at least throw him a bone the same way he's throwing a bone to his sister every night."
"I'd put a pox on your house, but your house was eaten by a Grimm long ago," Jaune replied, earning him a middle finger from Ren in response.
"Anyway, it's like going to court – you have a right to fair legal representation no matter how heinous or disgusting your crime is. Well, consider me Jaune's legal representation."
"Okay, murderers getting legal representation is one thing, but you're willingly defending a guy who boned his sister and is proud about it and pretending not to be," Weiss pointed out. "Do you really want to stake your reputation on this?"
"The Bro Code is clear: Though shalt not forsake thine bro in his time of need."
"Alright, suit yourself." Weiss turned to the rest of them. "So, it's clear, then – Jaune's a huge pervert who's sleeping with his sister?"
"Yup," they all replied, Saphron included.
Jaune was dumbstruck. "Why am I the only one getting called a pervert?! Last I checked, she's guilty, too!"
"So you admit it," Saphron said.
"Shut up! I admit nothing!"
"...Well, you're the man," Yang offered. "Kind of makes me think you groomed her or something."
"She's older than me!"
"...Alright, point conceded. It's still weird though, and that obviously means I'm going to blame you for it regardless."
Jaune groaned. Frustrated, he turned to Weiss. "Okay, let's try a hypothetical. Let's say you were into your little brother, like sexually."
"I'm already considering gouging your eyes out with this plastic spork," Weiss said, holding up the utensil.
"I know, but bear with me on this. Let's say you were into your little brother sexually. He's not into you, though-"
"This already makes zero sense."
"I know, but-"
"Obviously, if I came on to Whitley, he would be down for it."
Jaune paused. "...I'm sorry, what?"
"Well, it's a hypothetical, isn't it?" Weiss asked. "Like I said. If I came on to my little brother, which I wouldn't because that'd be disgusting and gross and he's a little shit who I can't stand, he would clearly agree to it rather than not being interested."
"I don't… I… what?!"
"I mean, look at me. I'm obviously very attractive. He'd have to be pretty gay not to be into me."
Jaune stared at her for a moment before shaking his head. "Okay, new scenario. Let's say your older sister comes on to you sexually, and you're not into it-"
"Again, I have to object," Weiss replied. "If Winter came on to me, I'd clearly be into it."
Jaune just stared at her, prompting her to roll her eyes. "Have you seen my sister? I'm not even gay and I think she's hot. I'd do her maybe once just to say I did and then never speak of it again."
Jaune just continued staring at her in open-mouthed shock. He turned to the rest of his friends for help, only to find them nodding along in agreement.
"I mean, it's Winter Schnee," Yang said. "It's okay if you think she's hot. We all think she's hot. I'd go so far as to say that she's up there with Goodwitch in terms of women that other women could sleep with without it being called gay. The only weird part is that she's your sister… but still, it's Winter Schnee."
"But obviously I'd only do it if she offered," Weiss insisted. "Otherwise it's too weird."
"Oh, absolutely. And you have to say no chromo, too."
"What the fuck is wrong with you people?!" Jaune all but shouted. "Blake's into incest, Saphron's into incest, and even Weiss is into incest! Is anyone else here into incest that I should know about?!"
For a moment, silence reigned over the table. Then there was a small cough. Horrified, Jaune turned to find the last person he expected in the world to admit to this blushing as red as her cape.
"Ruby?!"
"I can't help it!" Ruby protested. "Have you seen Yang naked?! Those lady abs would give anyone a complex! She's like third on the list just behind Goodwitch and Winter!"
"But obviously we aren't going to actually do anything about it," Yang insisted. "At least not until she's eighteen. Then I guess we'll talk and see where things go, and maybe make a one-time exception or something. I mean, provided Blake's okay with it."
"I'll make an exception one time if I get to watch," Blake replied.
"What's with you and watching?"
"I'm a voyeur, okay? Like I said earlier, I like to experience my own fetishes vicariously through others."
"That's weird. You're weird. Now excuse me while I set an alarm counting down the days until I can legally bang my little sister."
Jaune just wasn't sure what to think at this point. Apparently, everyone at the table was into incest except him and the two people for whom it was literally impossible for them to be into incest, because their parents were in the process of taking some nice eternity-long dirt naps. Oh, and Pyrrha.
Unless…
"Pyrrha, please," Jaune said, turning to her. "Please, please tell me you're not into incest. Don't let me, Ren, and Nora be the only normal ones at this fucking table."
Pyrrha seemed surprised that he was addressing her so suddenly. "I-"
"I'm fucking begging you. Please do not leave me with my only allies being quiet Mistralian man who looks like a teenage girl, and midget sloth pancake girl. I need at least some normalcy to balance this shit out. I can't do it on my own."
Pyrrha bit her lip, her face flushing red. "...I mean… my mom is a redhead who wears glasses, and I don't know a single person who wouldn't jump all over that, so..."
Jaune stared at her for a moment before looking back at everyone else. "...Okay," he conceded. "Alright. So, let's say I do decide to actually sleep with my sister, because apparently it's not weird-"
"I mean, it is for you," Blake said. "Because you're a man."
"That makes zero sense."
"Yes, it don't."
Jaune just kept staring at her, and finally she continued, but not before sighing and rolling her eyes. "Look, up until now, we've only really been discussing yuri pairings. As we all know, yuri is the purest form of love. That's why it's not weird – because yuri crosses all boundaries of being weird provided there's no other kinds of really fucked-up fetishes involved."
"And the incest part isn't weird?!"
Saphron interrupted. "Only if you don't say-"
"Shut up!" Jaune turned back to Blake. "Okay, go on, then. Explain to me why it's weird for me to bang my sister, but all of you can bang your female relatives and it's not weird because yuri or some shit."
"Because, like I said, yuri is the purest form of love," Blake insisted. "I don't expect you to understand because you're a man, but that's just the way it is."
"Am I on fucking Rumblr or something? I get that you had a bad relationship with Adam Taurus, but this is ridiculous."
"No, she's right," Yang added. "I didn't believe her until she forced me out of the closet earlier, but just thinking it over in my head, the hours of lesbian porn I've watched have been a lot more sensual than regular straight porn. Checkmate, Jaune."
"Hey, I'm the only one who gets to check out my brother and mate with him," Saphron insisted.
"Oh, sorry. Uh… king me, Jaune. Actually, no – queen me, since we're talking about yuri and all."
"Fuck off," he spat. "Okay, then explain why Weiss can bang Whitley and have it not be weird."
"Well, they're upper-class aristocrats," Blake explained. "I guess it's kind of weird to us commoners, but incest is kind of a given with rich people."
"You know, I never thought of it that way," Weiss said. "Hang on, I think I have to go give my sister a call."
Jaune watched her as she rose from the table. After a few seconds, he shook his head. "...You're out of your mind. You're all out of your Gods-damned minds. Every single one of you."
"Embrace the power of the yuri and the incest, Jaune," Blake stated.
"No, I will not. I'm just… I'm gonna go talk to someone who's actually smart, before my brain completely breaks in two."
With that, he rose from the table and began to power walk away.
"Bye, little brother!" Saphron called. "See you tonight! Remember to wear something nasty!"
He made sure to increase the pace of his power walk after that.
"Here, Mister Arc. You look like you need a stiff drink."
"Thank you, Ozpin," Jaune said, accepting the mug of steaming cocoa. "Though, this isn't quite what I had in mind when you said 'stiff drink.'"
"It merely needs the secret ingredient," Ozpin stated, opening a drawer in his desk. "A Chemical X, if you will. Something to cure what ails you, or perhaps ail what cures you."
Retrieving a bottle of white rum, he offered it to Jaune, who accepted it with a grateful nod. Uncapping the bottle, he poured a shot into his cocoa, then began to swirl it around before returning the bottle to Ozpin.
"So, what brings you here?" Ozpin asked. "You burst into my office looking like you had seen a ghost. Did another Creep manage to sneak into Beacon again? I thought I had managed to scare them all off the last time that happened, and I sent Miss Goodwitch out to deal with it."
"No, sir." Jaune shook his head. "It's… well, it's actually difficult to talk about. In fact, it hurts my brain to even think about it."
"Ah. Let me guess: girl trouble?"
"How did you-"
"Believe me, I've been in charge of this school long enough to know that there are few things that can occupy a young man's mind quite like a member of the opposite sex." He took a sip of cocoa before setting the mug down. "So, would you care to talk about it?"
"I don't know..."
"I know this may seem awkward, but old as I am, I have been around the block a few times. I may be single now, but by choice, I assure you – there have been women in the past. Many women."
"I believe you."
"No, you truly have no idea. I used to be what the kids call a 'gamer.'"
"You mean a player?"
"Yes, that. I had many women fawning all over me for a time. However, none struck my fancy enough for me to stick around and give up my duties as headmaster of this academy. That being said, I am experienced when it comes to matters of love."
"...Did you turn into Port all of a sudden or something?"
"Gracious, no! But anyway, what seems to be on your mind, my boy? Perhaps I can be of assistance."
Well, Ozpin may have been offering, but there was really no easy way to explain it. It was all just so crazy to even think about that he Jaune flat-out wasn't sure where to begin in the first place. How would one even go about explaining this situation to someone without making it sound even worse than it actually was?
After a few moments of deliberation, Jaune sighed and made the decision to pull the bandage off.
"I just found out that all but two of my friends are into incest."
Ozpin blinked. "...Oh."
"And not only that, but so is my older sister, Saphron."
"...I see."
"They don't believe me when I tell them that I'm not into incest or Saphron, and that the two of us aren't dating or having sex. They're unflinchingly convinced that me and Saphron are sleeping together because Weiss walked in on us in a very compromising position, got the wrong idea, and then blabbed about it to everyone else."
"...Um, okay. How compromising are we talking?"
"Saphron was completely naked and was straddling me over my bed, her mouth inches away from mine with a thin trail of saliva connecting us because she had just finished tongue-fucking my mouth. My pants were down and she was in the process of trying to get me to penetrate her, but it didn't work because I'm wearing a heavy-duty chastity belt." He brought a knuckle up and rapped it against his own crotch, producing a ringing sound. "See? Practically bulletproof down there. Little Jaune is like a Terminator in this thing."
"...Yes, quite."
Ozpin poured another shot into his cocoa, then took a long drink. "...So, what happened after all that?"
"Well, we all got into a big talk about incest at breakfast today," Jaune explained. "Let's just say I learned a lot about everyone there, namely that everyone except Ren, Nora, and myself are all into incest, only through some really convoluted thought exercises and ludicrous amounts of sheer cope, they don't consider it weird at all. Oh, but of course, it's weird if I bang Saphron, but no, not for them."
"So, you do want to bang your older sister?"
"Wha- no!"
"But you're concerned about them finding that weird."
"Yes, because it doesn't make sense!"
"But if you don't want to sleep with her, why are you concerned about it not making sense?"
"Because it makes them all look like hypocrites who just want to mess with me, that's why!"
"Alright, I see. One more question, Mister Arc: if they're all convinced that you're already sleeping with your own sister, and they're going to think of you as some kind of degenerate pervert anyway, why not simply just actually sleep with her and get it over with?"
Jaune stared at him in open-mouthed shock. Ozpin stared back, completely straight-faced. After a moment, Jaune cleared his throat.
"...Because I don't love my sister in that way," he insisted. "Why is this so hard for people to understand? I swear, the only people who are really into incest don't actually have any siblings, because if they did, they wouldn't be into incest."
"But you just said that several of your friends who do have siblings are still into incest."
"Yes, but they don't consider it incest, for some reason."
"And what was the reason they gave, if I may ask?"
"Something about how it's not considered incest if you say no chromo. I figured they were joking."
Ozpin blinked in surprise. He stared at Jaune for a moment, then picked up his scroll off the desk and began to search through it.
"...I must say, that's one I haven't heard in a long time," he explained.
"What?" Jaune asked. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Here," Ozpin said, handing his scroll over. "That's a copy of the charter all four kingdoms signed at the end of the Great War. Read paragraph five, subsection I."
Jaune looked at him with a sideways glance before reading through it. "...Section I: In the event that two persons sharing blood relations sleep with each other, it shall not be considered incest if and only if both parties say 'no chromo' afterwa'- what the fuck?! Is this-"
"An actual legal document, valid throughout all of Remnant?" Ozpin interrupted. "Indeed, it is. It's an older law, but it checks out; after all, with how many people we lost during the Great War, we needed some way to get our population above replacement level again, and this was the only option we could think of at the time. You can head down to the Vale Historical Society and read the exact page yourself. The point is, your friends are absolutely right."
Jaune stared at him for a moment before his hands began to shake. The scroll slipped from his grasp, clattering against Ozpin's desk. He brought a hand up to rub at his temples.
"...This is insane," he muttered.
"Oh no, Mister Arc. It's very sane," Ozpin insisted. "Search your feelings – you know it to be true."
"I just… why does it seem like the stars have aligned to get me to sleep with my sister? Why?!"
"Can you not see the importance of all this?" Ozpin asked, rising to his feet and slamming his hands against his desk as he did so. "Damn it, man! It's clear what has to happen! The Arc family bloodline must continue!"
"I can't! She's my sister! I-"
"You can, and you shall! For the good of all of Remnant, you must go sleep with your sister right now! Otherwise we're all dead!"
"Dead?! Where did that-"
"Don't worry about that! Instead, answer these questions, and don't even try to think too hard about them!"
"I don't-"
"Do you love your sister?!"
"With every fiber of my being!"
"Do you want to make her happy?!"
"Only every second of every day!"
"Do you like the shape of her breasts?!"
"I do!"
As soon as the words left his mouth, Jaune clamped his hand over them, silencing himself. It was too late, though – Ozpin had already heard him say it. The headmaster gave him a smug look, crossing his arms as he sat down in his chair. Shakily, Jaune pulled his hands away from his mouth, looking down at his feet.
"...I..." He swallowed, nervous. "I don't-"
"Go, my boy," Ozpin said. "This is the universe, giving you permission."
"...Okay. I just… there's one more thing I need to know for sure."
With shaking hands, Jaune reached into his pocket and retrieved his scroll. He went to the first number on his contacts list and dialed it, bringing the scroll to his ear.
"Hello?" the voice on the other end asked.
"Dad," Jaune said, though the words were fighting him on the way out. "Hey, just a question. Um, if I were to… say… have sex with Saphron and creampie her and maybe nut in every single one of her holes and absolutely make her my own personal cumslut like she wants me to, would you be mad and disown me and possibly even hunt me down to give me the beating of a lifetime?"
There was silence on the other end before his dad spoke again.
"Just say no chromo, champ – it's all cool after that."
With that, the line went dead. In disbelief, Jaune pocketed his scroll. He exhaled heavily, then turned back to Ozpin.
"...This world is crazy," he muttered.
"Don't you have something you have to do right now?" Ozpin asked. "Or rather, someone?"
"I… yes." Jaune looked up, determination in his eyes. "Yes, I do. And I'm gonna do her so hard."
Ozpin grinned widely. "Go, my boy. My work here is done."
Jaune nodded, then turned and walked out of Ozpin's office, sheer willpower flowing through him with every inch of ground he crossed. His steps shook the very foundation of the campus grounds, every single one echoing with focus and willpower.
It took him just a few short seconds to cross the entirety of campus and make it back to the cafeteria, such was his determination – physical space seemed to bend to conform to his needs. Saphron turned to face him, surprised, and seeing her lit a fire in Jaune's belly, and in his loins. Of course, something was blocking it, though it didn't matter – reaching down, he tore off his pants, underwear, and chastity belt with one move, tossing them over his shoulder like the cheap trash they were, where they burst into flames from the sheer might of his newly-awakened sexual energy.
He was at Saphron's side in an instant, gathering her into a princess carry and pressing his lips against her, both of them closing their eyes as their tongues battled for dominance. After a few seconds, they opened them once again, but this time they weren't in the cafeteria. Rather, they were in the room Saphron had gotten the two of them. Jaune wasted no time in tossing her on the bed, where she landed with a 'pomf'.
"Wah!" Saphron exclaimed as she landed just shy of the headboard. "What are we gonna do on the bed?"
It was a trick question – clearly, she already knew what they were going to do on the bed. But Jaune didn't care; she could be as coy as she wanted to at the moment.
"I'll tell you what we're gonna do, Saphron," Jaune said, leaning down to whisper in her ear, grabbing a handful of her chest as he did so. "I'm gonna fuck you hard. So, so hard. Harder than you ever thought you could be fucked. It's going to be orgasm after orgasm, sheer ahegao-inducing bliss, as you lay there in a puddle of your own juices. You'll be full of so much cum that it'll be leaking out of all your orifices with every step you take tomorrow. This sex is going to be downright Biblical. But you know what? It'll be okay, because I've got a get-out-of-incest-free card."
"Oh?" Saphron asked, a wide, excited grin crossing her face. "And what would that be?"
Jaune returned her grin with one of his own, leaning down just enough that his lips were almost pressed against hers. Just a few short millimeters away, so close that he could feel his sister's breath against his face, he said the two magic words.
"No chromo."
And just like that, the Arccest degeneracy was complete.
Geez, that got really out of hand really fast. Then again, I guess these chapters usually do, don't they?
Anyway, I figured I'd take a crack at Saphron, because why not? I actually am not into incest at all and honestly fucking hate it (I stand by my opinion that I suspect most of the people who are actually into incest do not actually have siblings, otherwise they probably wouldn't be into it. I can say that having grown up with a sister of my own means I absolutely cannot be anything but seriously grossed out by incest in general) but I figured a couple of you degenerates out there would appreciate this one.
And wouldn't you know it, but this chapter ended up being the easiest one of my life. I sat down to write my usual amount and ended up finishing the whole thing in one sitting. It fucking figures that the only chapter in this entire fic that's been done in one go has been the one about incest, which I fucking despise. Then again, it's not like I've ever let my own discomfort or common decency stop me from shitposting before, so here we are, I guess.
Still, degeneracy or no, this chapter is meant to be a celebration more than anything. Somehow all of you mad lads have pushed this high-effort shitpost into the 1,000 review range, and I honestly can't thank you all enough for that. You're all fucking awesome, and I'm happy I get to write for you. Thank you all so much.
Next update: Saturday, April 3