Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 39: Maya (Mercury R63), or: Thick Thighs Save Lives
Ever since he was a kid, Jaune had tried hard to think about what his first girlfriend would be like. As was true with most young men, he had always thought she'd be beautiful, nice, and fun to be around. Really, he had always figured that his first girlfriend would be a reflection of his sisters more than anything, since they were the women he was closest to in his life, and he liked being around them.
One thing he never thought he'd be able to say about his first girlfriend was that she was a complete asshole.
Then again, that had been before he had started dating Maya Black.
Groaning, Jaune picked himself up off the mat, rubbing his head as he did so. Shaking himself out of his stupor, he looked over to where Maya was standing a few feet away, a wide grin on her face.
"Come on, Jaune," she taunted. "I haven't even gotten warmed up yet. How are you supposed to get through Beacon if you can't even land a hit on me?"
He scowled, reaching for Crocea Mors. They did this every day, now – once he had started dating her, Maya had insisted on training him up so he would stop getting his ass kicked so badly in Combat Class. He had readily accepted, figuring that it'd be a good way to both hone his skills and spend some time with his girlfriend. Of course, he hadn't figured that Maya's 'training' would consist mostly of beating up on him herself, then claiming that he just needed to get good.
He'd be pissed about this arrangement if the pussy game wasn't so ridiculous.
"Well?" Maya asked, placing a hand on her hip. "You gonna just stand there, or what?"
Jaune blinked, then shook himself out of it. Tightening his grip on Crocea Mors, he charged Maya once again, a shout escaping him.
He made it within striking distance before he once again found himself flat on his back, his sword and shield slipping from his grasp.
A shadow fell over him, and he didn't even have to look up to know that Maya was grinning at him again.
"Dude, you need to step your game up," she said. "Every time, it's the same thing. Where's the pizzazz, you know? The surprise attacks? The dirty fighting?"
Oh, I'll show you dirty fighting, he thought to himself.
"Seriously," Maya continued. "You're not gonna get anywhere just trying to rush me down. You really need to-"
Rolling his eyes, Jaune decided to make his move. He lunged towards her, grabbing onto her neck with both hands and pulling her down. Maya was unprepared for the sudden movement and was taken by surprise, which was exactly what he wanted. Just as she began to fight back, Jaune roughly pressed his lips against hers, causing her to freeze in surprise. A smirk crossed his face as he suddenly twisted, ending up on top of her and pinning her to the ground. He was left straddling her, the two of them staring each other down.
"Is this what you wanted?" Jaune asked.
"Not bad," Mercury almost purred. "Well, you've got me right where you want me. What happens now?"
Leave it to her to still act smug even though he had just technically gotten one over on her. His smirk fading in the face of her sheer smugness, Jaune looked around to make sure nobody was watching, which just made her laugh.
"Seriously? Man, I should have know you'd pussy out at the last minute. Leave it to you to get a girl all worked up and leave the job unfinished."
Jaune growled, then grabbed at the center of her top, pulling it down and exposing her black bra. She laughed, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh, did I strike a nerve there? I'm surprised at you, Jaune – what would your friends think if they saw you acting so un-Jaunelike?"
"Maya," Jaune said, fiddling with his belt. "Shut the fuck up."
"Ha! I knew you weren't a complete bitch, Jaune. What's gotten into you?"
"The same thing that's about to get into you."
"Oh? Do you really think you have what it takes to satisfy me?"
"Keep running your mouth, Maya. It'll just make it even more satisfying when I'm making it work in other ways."
Maya went to respond, but never got the chance before someone cleared their throat. Both of them paused, then looked over to the side to find, of all people, Velvet Scarlatina standing there along with Coco Adel, both girls looking flustered.
"If you two are done with the arena," Velvet ventured, "Coco and I would like to use it now."
Jaune and Maya exchanged a glance before he scrambled to his feet. Maya simply continued to lay there, pouting and not even bothering to pull her top back up. His face turning crimson, Jaune sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.
"S-sorry, Velvet! It's all yours!" He looked over to where his girlfriend continued to lay, gesturing for her to stand up. Maya rolled her eyes before doing so, still not bothering with her top.
"Why is it that every time we try to fuck in the arena, someone has to come in and ruin it?" Maya wondered aloud.
"You mean you've tried this before?!" Velvet asked.
"Yeah, like three or four times. Some idiot always comes in and interrupts at the worst possible time. Still, I guess this is better than last time."
"What happened last time?" Coco asked.
"You don't want to know," Jaune replied.
"Sure, she does," Maya interrupted. "Weiss walked in when Jaune was tongue-deep in my pussy. And let me tell you, I was fucking mad about that."
"Is that why Weiss was walking with a limp like three weeks ago?"
"You know it. And honestly, can you blame me?"
"...Maybe a little bit since you were kind of doing it in a public place and all, but still, that's incredibly rude. The least she could have done is let you finish first."
"Right? But no, apparently what we were doing was 'disgusting' and 'immoral' and 'wrong'." Maya shook her head. "It wasn't enough that she interrupted us, but then she had to go and run her mouth, so I had no choice but to beat her up. I'm sure you understand."
"On a certain level, yes."
"Great. Then you understand that now I have no choice but to beat you both up."
Coco and Velvet both exchanged a glance. Velvet opened her mouth to say something, but never got the chance to before Maya launched herself at the two of them.
Jaune, meanwhile, could only sit back and sigh as his girlfriend gave the two toughest upperclassmen in Beacon what she had come to refer to as an 'educational beatdown.'
"You know, you can show some restraint. You don't have to get into fights and act like an unhinged asshole all the time."
Currently, they were both back in Maya's room, just the two of them. They were sitting on her bed, and Jaune was doing his best to patch up the small scrapes and bruises that were covering her as a result of her fight against Coco and Velvet. Not because she was in pain or injured or anything, but because she had requested he fix her up.
That was funny to think about. It was almost as if she actually cared about him beyond seeing him as a dick on two legs, but he knew Maya better than that.
Anyway, to prepare for getting fixed up, Maya had taken off most of her clothes. Her usual black-and-gray crop top had been removed, leaving just a gray sports bra to cover her modesty. Her midriff was left bare, exposing her abs, and her the black short shorts she was wearing showed off the tops of her thighs, though only for a bit before her cybernetics met them. Over top of her shorts, she had on a white belt, with a piece of gray pleated fabric running around her backside, giving her a bit more coverage for her rear. Her hair was unkempt at the front, but slicked up at the back, and was kept relatively short – it traveled down to just below the length of her neck. The gray gloves she normally wore had been removed, and were lying on the bed along with her top.
All told, Jaune thought that Maya was very attractive. It was just a shame that she was also an enormous prick.
"Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" Maya questioned. "Besides, this is a school for Huntsmen. They ought to thank me for getting some extra practice in."
Jaune rolled his eyes. "Give me your arm."
Maya obliged, sticking her arm out for him. Jaune took a roll of medical gauze and began to wrap it around her arm, covering the thin cuts that dotted it.
"If you're going to fight, the least you can do is try to avoid getting beat up so much," he chastised.
"Worrywart." She scoffed.
He went to pull away, but she reached out and took his arm. Jaune gave her a sideways glance, and she replied with a grin.
"You gonna kiss it better?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"If you insist," Jaune said.
He leaned down and kissed her on her new bandage, then looked back up. He found her giving him that same smug smirk she always did, and he sighed.
"Really?"
"What?" Maya asked, sounding as innocent as she could. "You act like it's something scandalous. There's nothing scandalous about kissing your girlfriend, Jaune."
"There is when it's you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Just that you're a pain in my ass, Maya."
"You know you love me. Now, what do you say we finish what we started in the arena?"
"You getting your ass kicked, you mean?"
"Oh, shut up. I won that fight, by the way."
"Is that what we're calling it these days?"
"I'm starting to think that you don't want to actually fuck me and that you'd rather I just pin you down and force you to eat me out for three hours."
"Don't threaten me with a good time, Maya."
"Heh. One of these days, I guess. Now come here."
As much as Maya was a complete asshole, he knew better than to say no to a pretty girl when she tried to sleep with him.
Breakfast was the same as it always was these days, which was to say that save for Maya choosing to sit with Jaune and his friends over her own team, it was mostly the same.
Well, there was also the matter of the two of them trading barbs back-and-forth, but that was neither here nor there.
"So, Oedipus Complex," Maya began. "We're training again today."
"What kind of training?" Jaune asked. "Is it the same kind of training we usually do, where it starts off with you beating me up and ends with someone walking in on us mid-coitus?"
"You'd like that, wouldn't you? Nah, I mean actually training. You still suck, and I want to change that before you get eaten by a Grimm or blasted by some White Fang animal."
"Right here, by the way," Blake chimed in.
"Oh, my bad – what I meant to say was, I want to change that before you get eaten by a Grimm or blasted by some White Fang Faunig-"
"Whoa there, Legless Wonder," Jaune interrupted. "I'm all for taking potshots at people, but actual racism is a bridge too far."
"Is it really racist if I just hate everybody and am just taking the path of least resistance to pissing them all off? I'd be tossing racial slurs at humans too, if any good ones existed.
Blake, what derogatory terms did you call humans when you were in the White Fang?"
"We didn't, really," Blake admitted. "There aren't really any that just roll off the tongue the same way Faunus blood rolls off a Schnee's fingers."
"Hey!" Weiss protested.
"Or the way sweat rolls off a Faunus slave's forehead," Maya added. "Ha! You didn't think I'd be able to turn that one back on you, but you underestimated my power to piss people off."
"Whatever you say, Daddy Issues."
"Whoa now, that's Jaune's pet name for me. Keep using it like that and I'll start to think that you're trying to proposition me for something. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally down for it if Jaune's down for it, but still. People might get the wrong idea."
"What's wrong with you?" Nora asked.
"She's basically a sociopath, Nora," Ren explained. "Just ignore her."
"What? I'm not a sociopath. I just like messing with people," Maya exclaimed.
"I'm like ninety percent sure you're actually aware of the fact that you're a sociopath and you're just saying that to mess with me."
"Damn, that easy, huh? Ah, well – I'll get you next time, like how that Grimm got your parents at Kuroyuri."
"That line would hurt a lot more if you weren't also an orphan."
"Uh, I'm a self-made orphan, excuse you. I'm very proud of that fact. I won't apologize for turning my old man's head into a canoe with twin loads of buckshot – he was a bastard all the way through, and the world is better off with him dead… but mostly I just wanted him to give me my semblance back and got mad when he wouldn't."
"Speaking of killing your own father, I have a few questions," Weiss spoke up.
"Ooh, the little heiress wants some pointers? Hell, if the pay's good enough, I'll just straight-up merc him for you. How much are we talking? Keep in mind that my services don't come cheap – after all, I'm not some two-bit whore."
"Nah, you're more like an expensive slut," Jaune interrupted.
"Mmm… talk dirty to me, baby. That'll make it all the more sweet when I've got you pinned between my legs later tonight."
"Okay, can we talk about this relationship a bit?" Yang interjected. "Because from where I'm standing, it's kind of incredibly fucked-up. Do you two even like each other?"
"The pussy game is ridiculous," Jaune answered.
"That's not what I asked."
"I know, but that's the answer you'll get. Maya is a complete douchebag the whole way through. She's an unlikable sociopath who lives purely to fight and piss people off. I stay with her because she's got a nice ass."
"And you've apparently got your head all the way up it."
"Hey, now," Maya chimed in. "This is a two-way street, you know. I happen to like riding Jaune's dick, too. Sure, he's kind of a total pussy who couldn't fight his way out of a cardboard bag, but we're working on that. And besides that, it's good to have someone who will trade barbs with me and not get asshurt about it. Seriously, for all the shit I talk on him, he's like the most thick-skinned person I've met so far."
"I kind of have to be, given that I was basically predestined to be bully-bait," Jaune explained. "Seriously, look at me. Do I look like the kind of guy who was going to have an easy four years of upper-level education? I've known ever since like middle school that I was going to have to learn to not only take my lumps, but also figure out how to retaliate in the best way I can."
"And since you can't fight worth shit, you figured you'd hone your tongue instead?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"How'd that work out for you? I assume it just made the beatings worse."
"You tell me – you always seem to like what I do with my tongue."
"Mmm… you making a promise there, lover boy?"
"That depends. Are you willing to take me up on it?"
"See, this is what I'm talking about," Yang said. "You both somehow just managed to turn a conversation that was insulting the hell out of Jaune into, basically, an extended session of foreplay. It's really fucking weird. This can't be a healthy relationship."
"I'm not sure we're qualified to be talking about what a healthy relationship is, Yang," Ruby said. "I mean, considering that everyone we know has a love life that's more like a train wreck than anything."
"...Shit, you're right. I didn't realize it was that bad, but fuck me, we really don't know anyone with a normal love life, do we? Everyone at this table has a completely batshit love life, and our family members are even worse." Yang shook her head. "Where did it all go so wrong, Rubes?"
"It all started when you losers were born," Maya said. "Anyway, don't be hating just because we're getting some and you're not."
"Is that a challenge?"
"No, because it wouldn't be much of one. I'll admit, you're pretty hot, but let's be honest – I've got you beat. Right, Jaune?"
"Right," he said.
Yang's eyes narrowed. "You sure about that?"
"See, a few months back, and that would have actually scared me. But you're not Maya, so I'm really not scared at all. Seriously, that woman can do unspeakable things to me in the training arena. Spines aren't meant to bend that way."
"Does that extend to the bedroom, by any chance?" Nora asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Only when she's on top, which is thankfully pretty rare."
"Hey, I need to relax, too," Maya objected. "It's tough to be badass all the time. Sometimes you want to just lie back and let Janue go to work. Speaking of which – ladies, when I'm done with him, I highly recommend one of his massages. He doesn't look like it, but Jaune's got some magic fingers, that's for sure."
"Nasty," Weiss said, shuddering.
"And when will you be done with him?" Pyrrha asked, a bit too eager. "Asking for a friend, of course."
"That depends," Maya replied. "When is the Vytal Festival, again?"
"A few weeks away. Why?"
"Oh, no reason. I'm just making a mental note to try to think about if I actually like him that much or not. Again, not for any real reason, just because I can."
"Oddly specific," Ruby commented.
"You know, I'm surprised Blake is staying so quiet on this," Ren couldn't help but notice. "This seems like just the kind of degenerate romance she'd be really into."
"Honestly, I'm kind of at a loss," Blake admitted. "I don't know what to make of this one. How am I supposed to interpret hatesex, anyway? Because that's what it seems like to me."
"Hey, I don't hate Jaune!" Maya protested. "He's probably my least-hated person on Remnant at the moment."
"Yeah, because the sex is really good."
"Oh, like that's not a good reason to not hate somebody."
"You still belittle and bully him, by the way."
"Yeah, and he does it right back to me. What's your point? It's just banter. It's not like we get off on treating each other terribly."
"Could have fooled me. Jaune, be honest: why do you still date her?"
"I kind of already explained that when I admitted that the pussy game was ridiculous, but honestly, that's not the whole reason," he said. "Sure, the pussy game is good, but the thigh game? Next-level. Holy shit, I'll bet Maya could crush a watermelon with those things."
"Have we tried thigh-jobs yet?" Maya asked.
"No, but I'm totally down if you are."
"Let's do it."
"Can we focus?" Blake asked, impatient. "So, Jaune – what I'm gathering from this is that you're in it purely for the sex."
"Pretty much. Sex and banter – what more do I need?"
"How about a loving relationship built on mutual trust and building each other up?"
"That shit sounds mad gay," Maya said. "My parents had a relationship like that, you know."
"Really? I thought your mom wasn't around and your dad was an alcoholic who beat you like a thirteen-year-old boy beats his meat upon discovering the Hub for the first time."
"I mean, they built each other up by both taking their aggression out on me, and they trusted each other enough that neither of them were going to go to the cops. Seems like it still fits the bill."
"Holy shit, dude," Nora said. "That's dark."
"You don't know the half of it. My childhood kind of sucked, in a big way."
"You want to talk about it?" Ren offered.
"You know what? I think I actually will. I mean, it's not like any of you losers will be around after the Vytal Festival, anyway."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It all started when I was born," Maya began, ignoring Ren's question. "I came out feet-first, meaning the doctor had to perform a caesarean section on my mother. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's where the doctor cuts open the mother's abdomen and pulls the baby out there instead of the usual way. You know, through the vagina."
"Yes, I think we understood what you meant," Weiss said, annoyed.
"Why so prude, Ice Queen? Everyone at this table except two of us has one. It's perfectly natural."
"Whatever. Just continue with your stupid story."
"With pleasure. Anyway, I came out through my mom's stomach. Ended up grabbing a bit of her guts on my way out, which in retrospect was probably a sign of things to come. After that I was handed over to my father, who proceeded to spank me until I stopped crying. Again, in retrospect, this was probably also a sign of things to come. He then handed me back to my mother once I was done crying and took a massive swig of whiskey."
"Was that also a sign of things to come?" Ruby asked.
"Of course it was. Anyway, I don't really know what happened for like the next year after that, only that my parents took the doctor's recommendation of not putting me in a crib very seriously and instead locked me in one of those miniature dog carriers until I was old enough for my own bed. And as if that wasn't bad enough, I had to change my own diapers, because neither of them wanted to do it."
"Weren't you not even fucking one year old yet?" Yang asked. "How does this make sense?"
"I'm a fast learner."
"I'm starting to think this story is complete bullshit and you're just making it all up."
"You'd be wrong, but then again, who are you going to ask? My mom's a runaway deadbeat and my dad's six feet under. Guess you'll just have to take my word for it. Bitch. Anyway, things were normal for awhile after that, by which I mean my dad continued beating me every day for trivial things until I turned like five, and then the training started."
"Let me guess: it involved more beatings?" Pyrrha ventured.
"No, he took me to the fucking arcade. Of course it involved more beatings! Why wouldn't it involve more beatings? Anyway, yeah, beatings. Night and day, all day every day. He'd beat me for any reason at all. He'd wake me up by beating me, and then to put me to sleep at night, he'd beat me until I was unconscious. It's a wonder I turned out as hot as I did, because you'd think that with how he was rearranging my face every day until I blasted him, that there'd be some lasting damage or something."
"That's partially what makes me think this whole thing is bullshit." Yang crossed her arms. "That and, you know, it's just too over-the-top to even be remotely true. You'd have died from all this long ago."
"Maybe, except for the fact that unlike you, I'm not bitch-made. I can take a pounding. Jaune knows that."
"She can, in fact, take a pounding," Jaune agreed. "Just, you know, not the same kind of pounding her dad used to give her."
"Aw, that's cute – you think that statement could be interpreted as you saying that you beat me up. We all know that if you ever even tried to beat me like my old man used to, that I'd just kill you."
"I know, but you can never be too sure."
"I can respect it, I guess. Anyway, once I turned sixteen, I had enough. I got my old man properly sussed by spiking his bourbon with an entire bottle of absinthe. Then a bottle of tequila. Then a bottle of vodka. Then a bottle of rum. I kind of emptied like the entire liquor cabinet into one bottle, shook it up a bit, then gave it to him when he was already too drunk to tell what he was drinking. Honestly, the single shot he took from that bottle was probably enough to kill him, but I had to be sure, so I shot him. A lot."
"Sounds like his corpse was full of about as many holes as this story," Blake said.
"Yeah, that's a great way of putting it. After that, a whole bunch of stuff happened, I somehow got into Haven, and then I ended up here with the first person to actually kind of give a shit about me in my entire life." Maya paused. "...You know, when I put it that way, it makes me think that I should really value Jaune more. I mean, I'm not actually gonna because that's for pussies, but still."
"Damn, Jaune," Yang stated. "You sure know how to pick 'em."
"With how great the sex is? You bet your ass, I do," he replied.
A shadow suddenly fell over them, and Jaune turned in his seat to find one of Maya's teammates, Emerald, standing behind them. He blinked, surprised, but raised a hand in greeting.
"Hey, Emerald. Does your team leader need Maya for something?"
"Yes, actually," Emerald said. "Mind if I borrow her for a bit?"
"Not at all."
"Actually, I mind." Maya crossed her arms. "What's this about?"
Emerald rolled her eyes. "You know what it's about."
"I don't, actually. Mind explaining for me?"
"Cinder wants you."
"For what?"
"For team business."
"What kind of team business?"
"You know she doesn't want me to talk about it in front of people. It's private."
"Then it must not be important enough for me to be involved."
"You're already involved, you asshole. Besides, it's not like you're doing anything important."
"Oh, wasn't I, though? I was in the middle of explaining my hilariously abusive backstory to everyone else at the table. And it was going quite well, too – I'm pretty sure I was on the verge of getting pity sex out of Jaune."
"What's the difference between pity sex and regular sex?" Jaune asked.
"They're basically the same thing, except with pity sex, I'm in control the whole night because you feel bad for me and are willing to let me do whatever I want to you."
"Don't you basically already do that anyway?"
"Yes, but it's different this time. I don't know how, it just is. Shut up."
"You know if you want any kind of sex, you can just ask. We're… I was going to say 'dating', but I guess we're more friends with benefits. Or not. I honestly don't know how to describe what we've got."
"Fuckbuddies?" Nora offered.
"Yeah, that works."
"Look, can we focus?" Emerald asked, impatient. "The point is that Cinder needs you, Maya."
"Why does she need me?" Maya questioned. "It's not like I'm important to whatever she's doing. I'm basically just along for the ride."
"Yeah, because you know Cinder will burn you alive if you're not."
"Well, maybe I'm tired of being one of Cinder's cronies. Maybe I've decided to hitch my wagon to the other team."
"Don't be stupid, Maya."
"Oh, so now I'm stupid, am I?"
"You're certainly acting like it."
"That's funny, because I think you're the one that's stupid, Em."
"Stop acting like a child."
"No, I won't. Instead, I'm going to spell out exactly why you're so pathetic, using my expert powers of deduction. Unless the rest of you want to see a teenager cry, I suggest you all look away."
"You kidding? This is quality entertainment," Yang replied. "Ten lien says she doesn't actually cry."
"I'll take that bet, bimbo." Maya turned back to Emerald. "Anyway, Em, it's really simple – you're nothing. But you're a special kind of nothing – the nothing that tries to be something by hitching itself to someone more important than you. You began life as a street urchin, thankfully blessed with a semblance powerful enough to keep you alive. But it wasn't enough for you to thrive – you spent your days crawling through the garbage, barely managing to scrape together enough to live day by day. Then, one day, you met her. Cinder. Your way out – your light, so to speak. She took you in and gave you a purpose, and ever since then, you've been nothing but loyal to her. But I'll let you in on a secret, Em: Cinder doesn't care about you the same way you care about her. I often get called a sociopath, but Cinder? She's the real sociopath out of all of us. There's nothing in that head of hers but a lust for more power. You're nothing but a means to an end for her, and the instant you're no longer useful, she'll discard you. What, do you think you're the first person she's done this to? Why do you think it was so easy for her to win you over? It's not because she's as good as you think she is, Em – it's because she's done this before. She's using you, and you're too stupid to see it. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you won't recognize the truth until she's already tossed you away, and by then, it'll be too late. You'll be back to where you started – a lonely girl with no safety net, and nobody out to look for her. Can you handle going back to square one, Em? Can you handle having the one person you care about in the whole world turn her back on you?"
"This is nice and all, but the big motive rant isn't really doing anything for me," Emerald said.
"Those assless chaps you're wearing remind me of the fact that for the entirety of Terminator 3, the T-850 is wearing a male stripper's tear-away pants."
"C-Cinder!" Emerald called, recoiling with tears in her eyes. "Maya compared my outfit to Terminator 3!"
With that, she ran off, crying. Everyone stared at her in shock as she ran before Yang grumbled in irritation, then began to fish around in her pocket.
"That's a low blow," she muttered, pulling out ten lien and handing it over to Maya.
"Yeah, but it fucking worked," Maya gloated, pocketing the money. "You can't argue with results, Yang."
"You know, I'm always left in awe of the fact that you know just where to hit people to really make it hurt," Jaune said. "Seriously, you set that one up almost too well."
"That's what happens when you know somebody in-and-out like I do with Emerald. Of course, it also helps that she's not as tough as I am, meaning the only one I'll have to deal with is Cinder." Maya peered past Jaune. "Oh, speak of the devil."
They all turned to find Cinder marching towards Maya, looking very displeased. Jaune gave Maya a questioning look, knowing that this likely wasn't going to end well, but Maya seemed unperturbed. Cinder stopped in front of them, crossing her arms.
"Maya, what seems to be the holdup?" she asked.
"I'll tell you what the holdup is," Maya replied. "I'm thinking I'm done, Cinder."
"You're done?"
"Yeah, I'm done. The more I think about it, the more I actually kind of hate working with you. And I know what you're going to say – this is a bad idea, because I know exactly what's going to happen if I go against you. Well, there's one thing you forgot, Cinder – I don't give a fuck."
"You understand that if you do this, we will be enemies," Cinder said.
"Yeah, but I'm long past the point of caring. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to reveal one of your deepest secrets, so you know I'm not bluffing." Maya cleared her throat.
"Hey, everyone! Cinder Fall wears kitten-print underwear! It's really cute and really unbecoming of her!"
Cinder flushed red, and everyone at the table looked at her in surprise. "For real?" Ruby asked.
"There's nothing wrong with kitten-print underwear!" Cinder claimed.
"I mean, there's not, but it just doesn't fit you. I'd expect something seductive, not something cute. I don't know how I'm supposed to take you seriously anymore."
"You're not," Maya said, proud of herself. "And that's the beauty of it – I could sit here and tell you all about her evil plans for Beacon. I could spill everything I know about her plot to kill everybody here and steal a bunch of magical bullshit powers for herself. I could go on and on about how she's working for the White Fang and has masterminded all of the bad stuff that's happened in Vale over the past couple of months. I could even talk a bit about how she's serving the secret evil queen of all Grimm in a pursuit to cleanse the world of everybody but human or Faunus. But I won't. And you know why? Because this is way worse. Nobody will ever take her seriously after this – she could be the evilest bitch in the world, but it won't matter, because all anybody is going to think of when they look at her is, 'You know, she's evil, probably the most evil person in the entire history of the world… but she wears kitten-print underwear, and that's just adorable.' So how's it feel, Cinder? How's it feel to have basically been reduced to a laughingstock, and all because I revealed one little secret?"
"I'll kill you for this," Cinder promised. "One of these days, I will melt you down into slag."
"Sure, but not today." Maya waved her off. "Bye-bye, bitch. Tell your master I send my regards, and hat if I ever see her face-to-face again, I'm roasting her, too."
Cinder grit her teeth, but ultimately stormed off, defeated. Everyone watched her go before Pyrrha turned to Maya, then cleared her throat.
"So," Pyrrha said, "what was that about her destroying Beacon, again?"
"Damn," Jaune said as he watched General Ironwood lead a defeated Cinder, Emerald, and Neo away in handcuffs. "I knew Cinder was kind of a bitch, but I didn't think she was this evil. And to think that underneath that sexy outfit, she's got on the cutest underwear."
"Hold that thought," Maya said, approaching General Ironwood. "Hey, Tin Man – a favor for me, since I kind of ruined their plans?"
"What is it?" Ironwood asked.
Maya motioned to Neo. "Think you can let this one out on probation?"
"Why on Remnant would I do that?"
"Because I think I could use an assistant when it comes to messing with people, but mostly because I think it will inject a little chaos into Vale, and chaos is funny to me."
"Hm. What do I get in return?"
"I won't hit you with one of my patented nuclear roasts, that's what."
"You know what? That's more than fair. You can have her."
"Sweet." With that, Maya unlocked Neo's handcuffs. Neo gave her a confused look, which Maya waved off. "Go, my minion – go and sow chaos and discord."
Neo nodded, and wasted no time in using her semblance to disappear. Jaune watched her go as he approached Maya, shaking his head.
"You're scary when you want to be, you know that?" he asked. "Seriously. We're lucky you chose to use your powers for good rather than evil."
"Yeah, I know. Honestly, the sex was just too good for me to give up. So if you're going to thank anyone or anything, thank your own trouser leviathan, because without that, I might have continued serving Queen Bitch. You're still a massive chode, though."
"You know, I'm pretty sure they wrote a song for you. How'd it go, again? Oh, right – 'And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon-'"
"Oh, fuck you. Just for that, I'm gonna call up your mom and tell her just how bad of a girlfriend I am."
"Aw, don't do that – it'll ruin our chance to reconcile by taking a trip to your old man's grave."
"Why in the fuck would we want to do that?"
"So we can take turns pissing on it, duh."
"Oh. You know, that does sound rather nice..."
"You know you want to. Of course, that relies on you not actually calling my parents, because they will come down here, and they will break us up."
"It's a date, then."
"What are you two fucking talking about?" Yang asked as she approached. "Seriously, if it's not one weird thing, it's another. I haven't seen a relationship this dysfunctional since my dad and biological mom's."
"Except, unlike your dad and biological mom's, we actually make it work," Maya pointed out.
"Ouch," Jaune said. "Fucking roasted."
"Oh, sure – laugh it up now," Yang replied. "But I'll get the last laugh when you two inevitably break up."
"You know what? Just for that, I'm going to spite you in the best way I possibly can," Maya retorted.
"And how is that?"
"Like this."
Before any of them could do anything, Maya sank down to one knee, taking Jaune's hand in hers.
"Jaune Arc, will you marry me?" she asked.
"What?!" Yang shouted.
Jaune, for his part, was unperturbed. "I don't know, Maya. This is pretty sudden, and we're both not even in our twenties yet. Also, you're still a huge asshole."
"So are you, but I still want to marry you."
"I'm still not sure. I feel like I could get a lot of mileage out of friendzoning you. Also, I'm not sure if this is a relationship that would even last."
"Of course it would – don't you know the best relationships are built on spite? We'd be united against everyone who wants us to fail. It'd literally be us against the world. Wouldn't that be so romantic?"
"...Alright, yeah, I guess that would be kind of cool, then." He shrugged. "Sure, what the hell. Let's get married."
Yang could only stare, flabbergasted, as the two of them locked lips, then boarded the nearest Bullhead to Vale so they could go pick out matching rings.
"What the fuck just happened?" she asked, to nobody in particular.
"You know, sometimes I can't help but look back and wonder just how I got myself into this mess."
"I think it's safe to say that it all started with hooking up with Maya," Ren said. "Now stop moving, will you? I want to make sure everything's in order."
"I think it's fine," Jaune said as Ren inspected his outfit. "I know how to tie a tie, dude."
"Hey, you made me your best man for a reason. It's basically my job to make sure you're ready to go."
After a few more seconds, Ren stood back, then nodded approvingly. "Okay, let's get started. The bride's waiting."
With that, he led Jaune out of the room and into the aisle. Everyone turned to look at him, the music kicking in as he made his appearance. He couldn't help but blush, looking out at them all. Everyone was there – all his friends and family, and a few of their relatives he had given the okay to invite.
That being said, he was already regretting Ruby bring her uncle along, because it looked as if he'd already drank his body weight in alcohol. But that was fine – this was a special occasion, anyway.
Steadily, Jaune began to walk towards the altar, where his soon-to-be-wife stood in, of all things, a dress, with a veil covering her face. He stepped up across from her, a smirk crossing his face.
"You know, the most surprising thing out of this whole event is that you're actually in the dress," he remarked.
"Oh, shut up," Maya said. "Weiss refused to let me wear anything else." In a louder voice, she said, "What are you waiting for, anyway? Pull up the veil and kiss me."
Ozpin, their impromptu priest, frowned from beside them. "There's a whole process behind this, you know. You haven't even exchanged vows yet or anything."
"Here's a vow for you: I vow that if Jaune ever cheats on me or leaves me, I'll kill him so hard that he will die to death."
"And I vow that if Maya ever cheats on me or leaves me… well, I don't know exactly what I'll do, but it will be heinous and probably involve those videos we recorded a while back," Jaune said.
"Ass. Anyway, just give us the rings and let us kiss, old man."
"Very well," Ozpin said with a sigh, closing the book he was holding. "Jaune, you may remove her veil."
Jaune did as he was told, pulling Maya's veil up to see her face. And honestly, she looked stunning – she always did, of course, but today she just looked radiant. And maybe it was a trick of the light, but he could have sworn he saw her getting a bit teary-eyed.
"Don't go bitching out on me and crying," he remarked.
"Heh. I won't if you won't," she replied.
"...Alright, maybe a little."
With the veil off, Ozpin stepped forward with a pillow containing the wedding rings. Jaune accepted one, then gently took Maya's finger and slid it on. She did the same to him, and he could have sworn he heard a sigh of relief go through the crowd.
Whether that was because they were happy for him and Maya or because they were just eager to get to the part where they got to party, he couldn't quite figure out.
Now that the rings were out of the way, Ozpin couldn't help but crack a small grin. "You may now kiss-"
That was as far as he got before Maya pounced. She basically threw herself at Jaune, leaping into his arms and pressing her lips against his. Jaune caught her just in time, though it was unsteady, his legs swaying from side to side as he oriented himself and tried to keep kissing her at the same time. He managed, though, and a loud cheer erupted from the crowd as him and his new wife kissed.
It lasted for just a few seconds before it was over, with Maya breaking the kiss, but not leaving his arms. Jaune heard Ozpin heave a sigh of relief.
"Oh, thank the Gods that's over with. Time to get drunk." Ozpin cleared his throat. "Alright, the boring and awkward part is over, so now it's party time. I'd tell you to try and keep damages to a minimum, but we're doing this in Beacon's auditorium, so Glynda will just clean it up. So basically, go nuts if you want, I don't really care."
And just like that, the room erupted into pandemonium, as expected when you give a large group of people with superpowers permission to completely let loose. Jaune only got to watch for a few seconds, just enough time to see all the bottles of whiskey be opened, before someone grabbed him by the tie. He didn't even have to look to see who.
"Is there something you want, Missus Arc?" he asked.
"Cheeky," Maya replied. "And I think you can guess. Unless you want to keep me waiting – and trust me, you don't – I suggest we make for the nearest utilities closet."
"Leave it to you to pick the trashiest way to consummate our marriage."
"Look at you, calling your new wife trashy. It must run in the family."
"You're one to talk."
"I hope your parenting skills are better than your comebacks, because I'd hate to have to kill you the same way I killed my father."
Jaune couldn't help but crack a smile as he carried his wife over towards the nearest closet. "I love you, you know that?"
"I know you do," Maya said, leaning in for another kiss as they stepped into the closet. "Now come over here and fuck me like we just got married."
Jaune moved into the closet and shut the door behind them, blocking out the party going on outside.
It wasn't the first time for either of them, but something about the day certainly made it feel like it was.
This chapter's R63 design is based on the one drawn by Sinccubi and Minacream.
Man, Mercury is such an asshole, you just can't hate it when you get to write him. It's a lot like writing Roman. A bit less snark, but just more general assholery. I fucking love it. It certainly made for a unique relationship, to the point where I don't even know how to describe it. It's not even really tsundere, it's closer to hatesex that ends up not being hatesex and instead ends up as some utterly bizarre spite-fueled relationship that exists purely to piss off the rest of the world. Confusing, to be sure, but a fucking great time to write.
Anyway, I'm glad to cross Mercury off the list. I know a lot of you have expressed interest in seeing R63!Mercury for awhile, so here she is. Probably won't revisit her, but I did enjoy the time I spent with her this chapter.
Also, because I know people are going to ask: Yes, I will do Emerald at some point now that I've done Mercury. Not sure when, but consider her on the list. And speaking of the list, next chapter will probably be someone else who's been on it for awhile, specifically a certain prequel chapter I promised a long-ass time ago and am just now getting around to. After that… not sure. Some of you pointed out a minor character that I wasn't originally going to do, but now that I think I might take a crack at, because I might have find a good avenue to pursue her. Emphasis on 'might' - I'm still not sure.
Don't have much else related to the story, I guess. Bought an M1 Carbine for my birthday, and it's really nice. What? I don't have anything story-related to say anymore so instead I'm talking about my new Carbine. Anyway, this thing is fucking sick, it's less than six pounds fully loaded, it has good iron sights, and it points/aims/balances really easily. I was getting failures to feed with snap caps early on which ended up being magazine related (I can confirm the rumors that USGI M1 Carbine mags are garbage. Basically, if you have a Carbine and you're getting malfunctions, it's probably one of these three things, in order from most likely to least likely: 1. Bad magazines 2. Not enough lube on the moving parts 3. Old springs that need to be replaced. Also, how to see if it's a magazine problem: press down on the rear of the follower for that mag. If that half of the follower tilts down but the front half of the follower stays in place, you have a bad magazine, and it needs to be either replaced or fixed) but I ended up fixing it by taking that mag apart and messing with the spring and the follower a bit, and now it seems to work flawlessly. I still have to get to the range with it so I don't know if there are any hidden reliability problems, but I guess we'll find out. This thing set me back a lot more than it probably should have so I fucking hope it runs perfectly.
Next update: Saturday, May 1.