Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 43: Tyra (Tyrian R63), or: The Scorpion and the Jaune

Jaune had grown up hearing rumors about crazy women – namely that while they may have made for an excellent fuck, it just wasn't worth the hassle. He could see why – even assuming that the girl in question was mentally stable enough to not think of herself as a living god or something, mental illness in general was still quite a lot of baggage for a guy like him to have to carry. He sympathized with them, of course, but that was where his feelings ended – at sympathy. That was all he could afford to give, at least as far as he was concerned.

Why was he wondering about this, you may ask? Simple: because there was little else to do when you've been plucked from your camp in the middle of the night by an insane scorpion Faunus and are currently being spirited away to parts unknown, for reasons unknown.

Of course, that was just his luck, but that didn't make it any more enjoyable. It was, in fact, decidedly un-enjoyable, even as the crazy lady in question kept him held tight against her chest with her tail. He couldn't even bring himself to be even mildly aroused by this, despite the fact that a nice pair of titties was in his face and that femdom was one of his biggest fetishes, presumably because he was currently scared to death of what she was going to do to him.

Eventually, she stopped, roughly dropping him on the ground. There wasn't much that Jaune could say or do to her – she had bound and gagged him before grabbing him and making a run for it, and had somehow managed to do it so silently that his friends were none the wiser. So, that was where he was at now – miles away from help, completely defenseless, and assured that help wasn't coming, because none of them even knew he was missing at this point.

Again, just his luck.

The scorpion Faunus stared at him before starting to cackle wildly. "Yes, yes! I managed to get one! My goddess will surely be pleased by this!"

She stepped out into the moon-lit clearing, and for the first time, Jaune got a good look at her… and honestly, she proved the crazy girl stereotype was true, namely that insanity was directly proportional to hotness. She had on a brown overcoat, with a white sleeveless jacket underneath, which was crossed with leather belts. For her lower body, she was wearing leather boots that covered her entire shin, with a set of built-in knee guards as well, and a pair of white pants. Her arms were covered in bandages, though they disappeared around her forearms, instead being concealed beneath a set of brown leather vambraces. Her jacket and shirt were left open, exposing her toned stomach and more importantly her breasts, though these were also covered with a layer of bandages. Most striking were her eyes and hair – her eyes were colored a bright gold, though Jaune could have sworn he occasionally saw them flash purple in the night; her hair, meanwhile, was done up in a brown braided ponytail that resembled a scorpion's tail. Completing her look were a set of silver, ring-shaped earrings dangling from each earlobe, plus the very real scorpion's tail that trailed out of her lower back.

Despite himself, Jaune couldn't help but blush red. Sure, she was crazy. Yes, she had kidnapped him and was likely going to either kill him or take him to Salem. No, that didn't diminish the fact that he thought she was very attractive. He wasn't sure who came up with the hot/crazy index, but whoever they were, they had been absolutely on-point. This woman was clearly completely fucking mental, but she was also really hot, and that was doing things to him that he was honestly afraid to think about.

Unfortunately for him, she seemed to notice, because she suddenly paused, her gaze traveling down to his groin and her manic grin widening. "What's this? The little blonde boy is horny over little old Tyra Callows?"

Again, Jaune swallowed nervously, knowing that he was likely to be tortured or killed for this. He closed his eyes and waited for it to come, but it never did – instead, Tyra laughed for a few seconds before clapping her hands.

"Splendid, splendid!" she announced. "My, you are a charming one – I haven't had someone lust over me since my teenage years, before I started killing people! Ah, it has been so long…"

Jaune's heart skipped a beat. This could be his chance to bargain his way out of here. Sure, it was likely that he would end up dead for this… but honestly, it was starting to look like he was going to die anyway, so he might as well at least make an effort to save himself.

With no other options, Jaune began to talk beneath his gag. It came out muffled and unintelligible, but Tyra got the message – she lunged forward and cut his gag in two with her tail. Jaune's eyes widened as the cloth fell away from his mouth, and he had to resist the sudden, overwhelming urge to just piss himself when he saw the poison dripping off the stinger that was now pointed at his face.

"Yes, young one?" Tyra questioned. "Speak now, or I shall be forced to shut you up permanently. And don't even think about trying to scream – the only ones out here are the two of us and the Grimm."

Well, nothing ventured, nothing gained, he figured.

"...That's just the way I wanted it," he said, swallowing his fear and apprehension.

Tyra paused. "Oh? Were you perhaps hoping for a one-on-one fight?"

Jaune shook his head. "No, nothing like that. I was hoping for something a bit more… romantic."

Tyra blinked. "Romantic, you say?"

Jaune nodded. "Yeah, romantic. After all, that's why you took me, isn't it? You were lonely and wanted a man to spend time with you for a bit. Well, you've got me right where you want me – I'm here alone, completely defenseless, and nobody is coming to save me for at least a few hours. I'm yours for the taking, should you so desire."

Tyra's manic grin faded for the first time, instead replaced with a thoughtful expression. She brought one hand up to her chin as she began to think aloud.

"Hmm… the blonde boy does have a point – it's been awhile, and I'm starting to feel the familiar itch once again, and it's not the itch I get when I haven't tortured or killed anyone for a bit… no, no; this is a much more primal kind of itch. The kind you're afraid to scratch in a public place for fear of seeming obscene or vulgar to random strangers on the street. But how best to scratch the itch, I wonder? After all, I am a serial killer, not a rapist."

"You're in luck," Jaune announced. "Because I'm down for whatever it is you want to do."

Tyra perked up immediately at that. "Truly?" she asked, sounding excited.

Jaune winced, knowing he was going to regret this already, but nodded nonetheless. "Yup. Come on, a pretty woman like you? How could I not be down for whatever it is you're game for? Like I said, you've got me right where you want me, so do your thing. I'm happy to just go with the flow."

Tyra stared at him in amazement before her grin returned. Then, she began to laugh again. It started off low and slow, but within just a few seconds, it had grown to be almost cacophonous in the dead of the night. Once more, Jaune's heart plummeted, and he knew that he was going to regret this.

Tyra's insane fit of laughter ended, and then she was upon him, loosening his belt and pulling his jeans down. "You wanted this," she reminded him.

Jaune nodded. "That's right, I did. So feel free to-"

"Oh, I shall, I shall!" Tyra announced. "This shall be a joyous occasion for me!"

Jaune took a deep breath as his boxers were thrown aside, and then Tyra went to work.

All things considered, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Yes, it was rough – Jaune wagered that even if he was able to escape the sleeping scorpion Faunus currently clutching him tight to her chest that there was no way he'd be able to even limp back to camp – but honestly? Rough as it had been, it wasn't un-enjoyable. Hell, at times, it was downright heavenly – Tyra seemed intent on trying to break him, but he was lucky to have a large reserve of aura, so it had ended in a draw, with her unable to really get him to quit but with her also unable to truly give in. Eventually, though, nature took its course, and they were both spent.

But not before one thing was made perfectly clear to Jaune, that being that as rough as it was, and at times as scary as it was, those were still the best orgasms of his life.

Seriously, he wasn't even ashamed to admit it. Being pinned down, tied up, and ridden until he was completely drained by an insane scorpion Faunus using him like an oversized dildo somehow ended up feeling way, way better than it had any right to. He was still basking in the afterglow when the sun eventually rose, it was just that good.
But alas, all good things had to come to an end, and that end came when the sun began to crest over the horizon. Jaune frowned, knowing that now was the time to make his escape. Unfortunately, he wasn't quite sure how to actually pull it off – for one, he was still naked from the waist down, and still tied up. For another, he was currently being used as an oversized teddy bear by an insane woman, so even if he could move his arms, there was no way he'd be able to break out of her grasp.

And so, he let out a tired sigh, knowing that this was probably the end. Honestly, he'd have been a lot torn up about it if the previous night hadn't happened, but man, what a way to go out. Talk about dying like a true Chad.

Tyra suddenly stirred, apparently awoken by his sigh. Their gazes met, and then a wide grin broke her face, stretching from ear to ear. Jaune swallowed nervously (he had been doing that a lot lately, he realized, but it was only fitting given the situation), and he opened his mouth to again try bargaining for his life, or at least try to talk her into another round before she either killed him or handed him off to Salem.

He was stunned when she instead held him even closer, then kissed him on the lips and held it for several seconds.

Eventually, Tyra pulled away, leaving him to stare into her eyes once more. He blinked in surprise, then said, "Wha-"

That was as far as he got before Tyra let out a brief chuckle, then began to run her hand through his messy hair. "I had a great time last night~" she cooed. "You know how to please a woman, that's for sure. You were the best I've ever had."

Well, that was certainly reassuring.

She sighed sadly. "Of course, all good things must come to an end, and now the show must go on. I'm sorry, my love – but like a true Mistralian tragedy, I must do as my goddess commands."

She raised her stinger and aimed it directly at her throat, and Jaune once again found himself forced to think fast.

"Tyra, wait!" he shouted.

Against all odds, she actually did. "Yes?"

Well, that was unexpected – he didn't think he'd actually get this far. Now caught with his pants down, both literally and figuratively, Jaune did the one thing he could think of to get himself out of this situation. He said the three words that a man should never, ever say to a crazy woman.

"I love you."

If nothing else, the words had the desired effect. Tyra immediately froze, staring at him in wide-eyed shock.

"What did you say?" she asked.

"I love you," Jaune repeated, hoping beyond hope that as dirty as saying it made him feel, that it would be enough to get him out of this mess.

He wasn't far off, thankfully. Tyra hesitated before lowering her stinger, causing Jaune to breathe a quick sigh of relief. He wasn't out of the woods just yet, but at least in the moment, he wasn't going to be hurt or killed.

Oh, and Tyra had started talking to herself again.

"He says he loves me. Even my goddess hasn't said anything close to that – it's always 'Tyra, do this' or 'Tyra, do that' or 'Tyra, stop stealing my underwear, you have your own. If you want something to wear on your face so bad, we can get you a ski mask or something.' I love my goddess, yet she has never once reciprocated… hm..."

Tyra again thought to herself for a few seconds before looking back at Jaune. "Did you mean what you said?"

Jaune instantly forced a smile on his face, then nodded vigorously. "I sure did! After all, who couldn't love a creature as majestic as you? I'm certainly not just saying this because I don't want to die or anything!"

Tyra grinned. "Yes, I was afraid of that. Good to see that you meant it! Well, then – I suppose there's only one thing left to do."

Jaune braced himself for a strike, but rather than cut his throat or something, Tyra cut through his bonds instead. He blinked in surprise, and it only grew when Tyra picked him up, put him on his feet, and began to dust him off.

"How could I have been so blind?" Tyra asked herself. "Attempting to hurt someone so cute… how disgusting of me! Truly, truly disgusting! Why, I say this calls for an act of flagellation!"

"Whoa, whoa!" Jaune said, just as she prepared to start cutting herself. "There's no need for that, Tyra! Put the blades down, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to scar your beautiful skin, right?"

Tyra paused, looking at him in amazement. "...You would spare me my rightfully deserved punishment for failing?"

"Uh, sure," Jaune said. Truthfully, he just didn't like the idea of someone cutting themselves on purpose, even if they were evil and/or completely insane. He didn't do well with lots of blood, you see.

Again, Tyra grinned at him. "Wonderful, wonderful! Oh, you are truly a most generous lover!"

She suddenly lunged forward, then wrapped him in a hug and began to nuzzle his chest. She sighed contentedly, and Jaune hesitated before bringing a hand up and rubbing her on the head. Her grin returned, though this time there wasn't a trace of insanity to be found – rather, it was sheer bliss.

It was interrupted by her scroll ringing. She frowned, then let him go and pulled the scroll out of her pocket.

"Yes, my goddess?" she asked. "Yes, I knew it was you – who else would it be? I'm glad that Watts finally started teaching you how to use technology, by the way – your Seer Grimm are magnificent in every way, but the connection on those things is worse than a 56k modem. Still, I suppose that doesn't matter – you want to check on me, I assume?"

She cast a glance over at Jaune, but he didn't get the chance to panic even a little bit before she started speaking again. "Yes, I am still on the mission for the silver-eyed one. No, I haven't encountered anyone in the group yet. They're a slippery bunch, I'll tell you that much – like an eel covered in motor oil and banana peels. But I'll find them, I swear it. And when I do… well, I'll make them wish I'd never found them."

The person on the other end of the line – Salem, Jaune assumed – said something, and Tyra nodded. "Okay, bye. Oh, wait – before you go, I just have one thing to say." She cleared her throat. "Salem, I lo-"

The line went dead before Tyra could finish her sentence. She stared at her scroll, and for a moment, Jaune was afraid she'd take her disappointment out on him, but she never did. Instead, she shrugged, pocketed her scroll, and then pulled him into another big hug, her smile returning.

"I have to go now, to try and kill your friends," Tyra announced, sounding far too happy what she was saying. "But you have my word that I won't harm a hair on your pretty little blonde head! After all, I could never hurt my one true love!"

"Glad to hear it..." Jaune gasped out through Tyra's bear-hug.

"Yes, I know you are-" She paused, then looked at him in surprise. "What's your name, again?"

"Jaune..." he again gasped out.

"Jaune!" Tyra said. "A beautiful name for a beautiful man! The most beautiful, in fact! Possibly even more beautiful than my goddess – yes, that is blasphemy, but she has never once returned my affections! In fact, nobody has! You're my first!"

"Happy for you..." Jaune said, his face turning blue.

Tyra squeed and held him even tighter. "Oh, I can't wait to see you again, Jaune! We're going to have so much fun and so much sex together, as true lovers should!" Her expression and tone suddenly darkened. "But if you look at another girl the same way you look at me, I'll cut them in half at the waist and then force-feed them their own fingers one by one until they choke on them and die. Understand?"

Jaune nodded, black spots dancing on the edge of his vision. Thankfully, relief soon came – Tyra released him, and he fell to the ground, gasping for air. Tyra leaned over to rub his head.

"I'll come find you in a bit, and then we can have lots of fun together again!" she said.

With that, she left, leaving Jaune on the ground, still naked from the waist down, with an aching chest, and a question on his mind: just what the hell had he managed to get himself into this time?

"I'm telling you guys, I'm not making any of this up!" Jaune protested.

Yang rolled her eyes. "Yeah, okay. Let's say that we actually do believe you were kidnapped by an insane scorpion Faunus lady who wanted to eviscerate you, but you managed to convince her to have sex with you and possibly even become obsessed with you instead. What do you expect us to do about it?"

"I expect you to protect me from her!" he exclaimed.

"Why?" Ruby asked. "I mean, yeah I get why on like a basic level, but really, why? You're no worse for wear, in fact it seems like you had a great time, all things considered. Pus, she seems to like you."

"She's obsessed with me!" Jaune said.

"Yeah, I get that, but I thought guys were into yanderes? There's a reason it's so popular," Ruby pointed out.

"There's a simple reason for that," Ren chimed in. "You see, the draw to a yandere is that she's completely and utterly obsessed with you, often for no reason that actually makes sense. So the main appeal is to lonely people who want a waifu to drop into their lap and be unflinchingly devoted to them with very little to no effort on the part of the person the yandere is obsessed with."

"Huh," Nora observed. "I thought it was just because people like girls who are cute, but also psycho."

"Well, that too," Ren conceded. "Maybe I'm overthinking it."

"You are, because let me tell you, the yandere isn't fun in real life," Jaune protested. "You people have no idea the horrors she put me through last night."

"Oh no, hours of passionate, ball-slapping sex," Nora said. "How horrific. I'm sorry for you, I truly am."

"Someone's a little cranky," Yang observed.

"Yes, because while I was cooped up next to you all and unable to masturbate since Weiss is a very light sleeper and would hear everything, Jaune was off in the forest, cranking one out to his yandere fantasy, which he is now sharing with all of us."

"It's not a fantasy!" Jaune shouted. "This actually happened, damn it!"

"Dude, get real," Yang said. "Super-hot psycho chicks don't just pop out of nowhere, and even if they did, they wouldn't go for any of us. Well, maybe they'd go for Ruby, because she's got the kind of innocent aura that I imagine would be fun to corrupt, but still."

"Hey!" Ruby protested. "I'm not innocent! I watch porn and stuff!"

Yang leaned over to ruffle her hair. "You're cute when you're trying to be mature," she stated. "Hey, maybe we should keep an eye out for this bitch, just in case – she might be going after Ruby."

Jaune was about to scream out that Tyra was, in fact, going after Ruby, albeit not in the way Yang thought she was, before he caught himself. Honestly, what would be the point? They clearly didn't believe him, and thinking back over his story, he couldn't even blame them with how outlandish it was. Honestly, he barely even believed it, and it actually happened to him. It was just impossible for anyone with even a hint of rationality to willingly embrace a story of a young man being kidnapped by a hot older scorpion Faunus who was completely insane and also wanted to kill the fuck out of him, but managed to instead be talked into loving him to an almost sickening extent.

Alright, I think I see where they're coming from, Jaune thought to himself.

Still, they just weren't paying attention to any of it. They thought he had made the whole thing up as part of some kind of sexual fantasy to jerk off to, and that he had spent the night in the forest doing exactly that rather than sleeping with Tyra. But at this point, he didn't care – they were free to believe whatever the hell they wanted, it wasn't like he could convince them otherwise.

That is, until Tyra came back, which coincidentally happened right as they stepped into another forest clearing.

Tyra announced her presence the only way that made sense for someone as insane as her – by leaping from one of the trees onto her target. Naturally, her target wasn't Ruby, it was him. Jaune went tumbling end-over-end, coming to rest with her on top of him, her stinger pointed at his throat. It would have been intimidating if he hadn't gone through this multiple times the night before.

"Hey, beautiful," Jaune said.

Tyra's glare faltered, but she ultimately held it. "Flattery will get you nowhere, Jaune," she said.

He frowned. "Is something the matter?"

"Yes, yes! You were walking with multiple other girls! I didn't know you had a harem!"

"Hey, now," Jaune said, raising his hands in surrender. "They're just friends, Tyra. You know I could never pick someone over you – why, nobody could ever threaten your otherworldly beauty or demeanor. There's no way I could ever pick any other girl over you, period."

That, at least, seemed to placate her a bit, though she was still mad. "...I don't believe you completely. Rub my head and I'll change my mind."

Jaune rolled his eyes but ultimately did as he was told, bringing one hand up to pat Tyra's head. She leaned into his touch, a content sigh escaping her, and despite the fact that she was absolutely fucking crazy, he had to admit that this was kind of nice. After all, it's not every day that you get a cute girl losing herself to your headpats.

And then, of course, someone had to go ruin and ruin it.

"Okay, what the hell is this?" Yang questioned.

Immediately, Tyra sprang to her feet, leaping over to Yang and pinning her down, her stinger pointed at Yang's throat. "You ruined the moment!" she screeched. "Apologize immediately!"

"Yang!" Ruby shouted, drawing her weapon. She looked over at Jaune. "Jaune, do something!"

He shrugged. "I don't know, Ruby. After all, according to all of you guys, Tyra doesn't exist, she's just a figment of my overly horny imagination."

"Jaune, she's about to kill Yang!" Weiss shouted.

"That's weird, because I didn't think an idea could kill anyone," he replied.

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Oh, for the love of… fine, we were wrong to doubt you, you're right, she does exist."

"And she's super hot," Jaune added. "Can't forget that."

"Would you just do something already?!" Yang screamed as she tried to keep Tyra from plunging her stinger into her throat.

Jaune nodded, then stood up. "Tyra, down. You don't know where that's been."

Instantly, Tyra leaped off of Yang, running back over to Jaune's side. Again, she leaned down for more headpats, and again, Jaune was quick to give them. Across the clearing,

Yang shakily rose to her feet, then wiped sweat off her brow and stared at the two of them in surprise.

"Okay..." she ventured. "I think this requires an explanation."

"I already gave you an explanation," Jaune said. "You just didn't believe it."

"You mean to tell me that all that stuff about her randomly kidnapping you in the middle of the night and you managing to sweet-talk your way into her pants instead of into a shallow grave was actually true?" Qrow asked.

Jaune nodded. "Yup!"

Qrow whistled appreciatively. "Damn. And I thought I had mad game. I need to step it up."

"So, what happens now?" Ruby asked.

"Ooh, I can answer that!" Tyra volunteered. "My goddess sent me to kill you and remove your eyes, then bring them back to her in a jar!"

Everyone tensed, raising their weapons, but thankfully Jaune managed to defuse the situation easily enough.

"Tyra, I'd be very upset if you did that," he stated. "Sure, I'm not attracted to anyone but you, but they're still my friends, and I don't want to see them get hurt at all."

"Okay, then!" Tyra said.

And just like that, the crisis was averted. Everyone looked around, confused, before turning back to Jaune, unsure of what to think.

"...Did you just convert an insane follower of Salem over to our side with the power of love and your dick?" Nora asked.

"And headpats," Jaune added. "Can't forget those, they're kind of important."

Everyone let out a small grumble of annoyance at that, as if they couldn't believe this was actually happening. He didn't blame them – after all, two days ago, he'd have been just as surprised as they were. But hey, nothing bad had happened yet, so he didn't see a reason to look a gift horse in the mouth.

It took them a few days to get to Haven, when it really should have only taken them one or two at most. Not because they had gotten lost or anything, but rather because Tyra insisted on stopping every couple of hours so her and Jaune could bang. He could tell everyone else was getting pretty annoyed about that, which was great, because he was still salty that they didn't believe him. Seriously, was his outlandish story really that hard to believe in the first place? It only involved him getting kidnapped by Salem's number one follower and then purifying her with smooth talk, sex, and headpats.

...Alright, maybe he could stand to be a bit more lenient with them, since looking back, it was pretty damn outlandish. But that wasn't going to stop him from going along with whatever Tyra wanted, both because she was scary when she was mad and because this arrangement had actually turned out better than he had thought.

You might laugh at that or otherwise doubt it, but seriously, think about it. Yes, Tyra was crazy, but she was also really hot, she was always down to fuck, she was unflinchingly devoted to him, and most of all, while she was a complete psycho, she was a complete psycho for him.

Honestly, he hadn't ever thought of himself as a fan of yanderes before this, but now? Now, he could definitely see the appeal.

Anyway, they eventually made it to the Academy, and to nobody's surprise, Cinder and her crew of idiots were all there.

"Ruby Rose," Cinder announced as her old rival stepped through the doors to the academy. "How I've waited for-"

She trailed off as Tyra came strolling in, holding hands with Jaune. Every other villain in the room also froze upon seeing it, causing Tyra to stare at them in surprise. "What?" she asked. "Do I have something in my teeth?" She brought her stinger up and began to use it to pick at her teeth, frowning as she did so. "Jaune, take a look. Is there something in my teeth?"

He peered into her mouth, then shook his head. "Not that I can see."

"Hm. Wonder why everyone is so confused, then."

"Because you're acting friendly towards the enemy!" Cinder declared. "Tyra, what are you doing?!"

"I'm doing what's best for me!" Tyra said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Mercury questioned. "Why are you allying with those losers-"

He was cut off by Tyra firing two rounds into his chest. "Speak no more!" she said. "Losers they may be, but they're Jaune's friends and he cares about them, and I will not sit here and allow you to insult Jaune through the transitive property!"

"What the hell does that even mean?" Emerald asked.

"I wouldn't expect you children to understand," Tyra stated, crossing her arms. "You're both clearly too young to be worried about things such as matters of the heart."

"I'm about as old as Jaune is," Emerald deadpanned.

Tyra waved her off. "Details. The point is, I will not stand for any insults towards Jaune."

"What's the big deal with that guy, anyway?" Mercury asked. "He just looks like a blonde-headed idiot to me-"

Again, Tyra fired twin shots into Mercury's chest, sending him tumbling end-over-end once more. Seeing it, Hazel frowned, taking a step forwards.

"Tyra, you're being unreasonable," he said, in his trademark calm-yet-dripping-with-hatred-for-Ozpin voice. "Think about what Salem will do if she finds out you've allied yourself with her enemies."

"Oh, but I have!" Tyra said with glee. "You see, I've realized something about Salem – she doesn't appreciate my worship in the slightest! Why, I believe she's spent more time telling me to go away than anything else! She doesn't respect me or love me back! Why, she doesn't even look me in the eye when we sleep together!"

"I wasn't aware you two had slept together anywhere besides in your dreams," Watts commented.

"We haven't!" Tyra confirmed. "But even in my dreams, she won't look me in the eye when we make love, that bitch! So instead of continuing to degrade myself for someone who couldn't care less about me, I've decided to serve a new master, someone who truly appreciates and loves me for me!"

With that, she leaned over and gave Jaune a peck on the cheek. He flushed red at the sudden public display of affection, then raised a hand and tentatively waved.

"Uh, hi," he said. "Yeah, I'm the guy who single-handedly converted your pet psycho over to our side with the power of cock and headpats. Hard to believe, I know, but trust me, you're not dreaming, though I'm sure you wish you were."

"Cock and headpats?" Mercury said. "What kind of idiot-"

Again, Tyra blasted him. "Do not disparage the cock and headpats!" she shouted.

All the other villains watched this display unfold, uncertain of what to do. The only exception was Raven, who took one look at how everything was unfolding and wisely decided to get the hell out of there.

"Well, it's been fun," she announced, cutting open a portal. "Cinder, I appreciate the little seal-the-deal quickie we had back at camp, but I know when to fold 'em, so consider me gone."

"What?!" Cinder shouted. "But we can't open the Vault without your powers!"

"That sounds like a you problem," Raven declared. "Anyway, see you never. Call me if you manage to get out of this alive, okay babe?"

With that, she stepped through the portal before Cinder could stop her. Yang and Qrow watched the whole thing happen and shook their heads.

"Typical Raven," Yang lamented.

"Tell me about it," Qrow added. "Always running away after the post-orgasm bliss from the hatesex wears off."

"Yeah, for-" Yang paused. "I'm sorry, what?"

"...Uh, oops?" Qrow ventured. "Sorry, I'm drunk."

"No, you don't get to play that card," Yang said. "Explain, please."

"...Well, you didn't really think there was something genuine between your dad and Raven, did you? Nah, they hated each other to bits. One night the hate and the alcohol got so intense that the only way to properly deal with it was to fuck. So they did, and then nine months later, Raven opened a portal, dumped you in your dad's lap, and left," Qrow explained.

"So you're saying I'm the product of a drunken one-night romp between two people who hated each other?" Yang asked.

"Yes," Qrow said.

"Damn," Ruby said. "No offense, Yang, but this explains a lot."

"Shut up, Ruby!" Yang shouted. "At least my mom isn't dead!"

"At least my mom was actually my mom for a few years instead of a deadbeat," Ruby fired back.

"Damn, dude," Nora said. "Yo, do we have to fight these nerds? Because I'd rather sit back and watch these two take potshots at each other for the first time in possibly their whole lives."

"Enough!" Cinder declared. "Okay, I'll admit that I'm more than a bit nonplussed. You scared off Raven, you recruited who is probably Salem's best warrior over to your side through methods I don't even want to consider, and the Silver-Eyed kid is still alive meaning that my one obvious weakness is currently present and I have no way to defend against her. Yes, it's not looking good for me at all, I admit it. But we're still going to fight!"

"Do we have to?" Mercury complained. "I like being alive. Right, Vernal?"

Vernal blinked, surprised. "Wait a second, why am I still here? Raven left. Shouldn't I have gone with her?"

"You're so much of a nothing character that nobody even realized you were here until I pointed you out as still being here," Mercury said.

"I know that feel," Oscar added.

"But I can still leave, right?" Vernal asked, hopeful.

"Nope," Tyra declared. "You're a nothing character, which means it's your lot in life to die horribly, otherwise you're just taking up space and screentime for nothing at all."

"Damn," Vernal lamented. "Well, I suppose it's been a good run."

"Not really, but okay," Mercury said with a shrug.

"Enough!" Cinder said. "Let's hurry up and fight, already!"

"If you insist," Jaune said. He turned to his girlfriend. "Tyra, I know you want to do the honors, so here you go. Kill them all."

"With pleasure!" Tyra announced as she jumped into the fray.

And, as expected, every single villain died. It wasn't even a contest, which isn't surprising given that literally the only two who posed a threat to Tyra were Hazel and Cinder, but even the two of them simply couldn't match Tyra's sheer craziness. It was over in a matter of minutes, and in the end, Tyra was both satisfied and covered in blood, while the heroes were confused.

"Huh," Ruby stated. "That was a lot simpler than I thought it'd be."

"And to think you all wanted to toss her aside," Jaune said. "Face it, Tyra is great, and it's awesome that she's now on our team."

"You know," Yang chimed in, "I wasn't convinced earlier, but now, seeing how easily she just wiped out pretty much all the villains? Alright, yeah, I'll admit that it's a compelling argument."

"See?" Jaune said. "There's literally zero downsides."

Someone tapped him on the shoulder. He knew it was Tyra, so he turned around to give her another well-deserved headpat, only to pause when he saw her. She was… different, for lack of a better term. It wasn't just that she was covered in blood and gore – there was a certain look in her eye. She was crazier than usual, basically.
And somehow, Jaune knew that wasn't good.

He swallowed nervously. "Y-yes, love?"

"I'm horny," Tyra breathed. "What are you going to do about it?"

"W-whatever you want me to," Jaune stammered out.

She grinned from ear to ear. "Excellent. Let's hit those showers, to start."

He offered no argument as she picked him up and whisked him away, not because he didn't have one, but because he knew that if he even tried to talk her out of this, it was only going to make things worse.

Jaune's not-so-little lovemaking session with his psycho girlfriend lasted for the better part of a day. It was only in the morning, when Tyra was passed out, that he was able to pry himself out of her arms and make his way down to Haven's cafeteria for some much-needed food and drink. His friends were all there, and judging by the looks they were giving him when he walked in, he looked awful.

"Dude, you look like shit," Nora commented. "Should we be concerned?"

Jaune shuddered. "...She's an animal," he whispered. "Utterly insatiable in every way."

"Rough," Yang said. She offered him a box of cereal. "But on the bright side, they've got Pumpkin Pete's."

Jaune accepted the cereal, but didn't even bother with a bowl or milk, instead reaching into the box and shoveling handfuls of it into his mouth. He didn't even care how it looked – he was starving.

"Alright, do we want to know?" Ruby asked. "Because you make it seem like it was pretty bad, and you haven't even really said anything."

Jaune swallowed his mouthful of cereal, then turned to her. "Tyra is… intense," he admitted. "I got like two hours of sleep, and even then, she talks in her sleep, which woke me up."

"What did she say?" Ren asked.

"Something along the lines of 'When I'm done with you, you'll be a broken shell of a man, shaking while clinging to me, terrified of what I'll do to you if you ever forget to call me 'mommy.' Note that she hasn't actually demanded I start doing that yet, so I'm considering it a sign of things to come," Jaune answered.

"Damn, dude," Yang said. "That's rough."

"I mean, it could be worse," Jaune offered. "She could still be allied with Salem and trying to kill us."

"We live in a world where you being in a sadomasochistic relationship with a clinically insane, psychotic older woman with a scorpion's stinger glued to her lower back and dripping with deadly poison is officially the lesser of two evils," Weiss stated. "How does that feel, Jaune?"

"I'll have to get back to you on that, because the jury's still out," Jaune answered. "Logically, my brain says no. My heart and penis, however, are screaming yes."

"So you're into it?" Nora asked.

"I mean, sure," Jaune said. "Why not?"

Qrow shrugged, kicking his legs up on the table. "Eh, I've dated worse," he offered.

"Who could possibly be worse than this?" Weiss asked.

"Your sister," Qrow responded, bluntly.

Weiss blinked, surprised. "...You and Winter dated?"

"Yup," Qrow said with a nod. "And we both regret every second of it."

"I'm confused," Ruby said. "Is that why you two hate each other?"

"Nope, we hated each other even before we started dating," Qrow answered.

"Then why start dating?" Ren questioned.

"Because the sex was unreal," Qrow said. "Unfortunately, hatesex does not make for a good or stable relationship, so we broke it off eventually and went back to trying to kill each other like usual."

"Glad to hear that all's right with the world, then," Yang said. "Anyway, Jaune, have you considered trying to talk to your girlfriend about this?"

"Yes, I'm going to bring up to the psychotic serial killer scorpion Faunus who's a former follower-slash-worshipper of the most evil person in the world that she's a bit too rough with me in bed," Jaune said sarcastically. "No, Yang, I hadn't considered that, thank you for pointing out the obvious."

"I was just making a suggestion, you don't have to get your panties in a wad," Yang said.

"Who's panties are in a wad?" Tyra said as she entered the room, causing all of them to freeze. "Did someone wad up their panties and stick them in Jaune's mouth? I'll kill them if they did – I'm the only one who's allowed to do that."

"Nah, nothing like that," Ruby said. "Though, I think that Jaune did want to talk to you about how you treat him in bed."

"Ruby!" Jaune protested.

"What?" Ruby asked. "Someone had to do it, and it wasn't going to be you. I'm not sorry."

"Is that so?" Tyra asked. "Well, I can understand that – I was rather rough with him last night, and if that bothers him, I'd like to know about it. After all, I'd hate to accidentally turn my only boyfriend against me."

Jaune blinked, surprised. "Wow, Tyra. That's… actually pretty mature of you, not to mention loving and, above all, normal."

Tyra shrugged. "Sure, sure. Now we commence the aftercare."

In the blink of an eye, everyone had been cleared away from the table save for Jaune, who was now lying on it like it was one of those therapy couches, his head propped up on a pillow that had seemingly come out of nowhere. Tyra was sitting next to him in a nice cushioned seat, which had also seemingly come from nowhere, and was wearing a pair of thick-rimmed glasses and a fake beard, and was holding a clipboard and pencil. As if that wasn't enough, Jaune was also holding a bag of ice against his crotch.

"Now then, Jaune," Tyra said. "Tell me about your mother."

Jaune opened his mouth to respond, and Tyra cut him off. "No, your actual mother – you don't need to call me 'mommy' right now."

"...Uh, okay," he said. "My mother is pretty great, all things considered. She raised eight kids and all, so she kind of has to be. I mean, once you get to kid number five, it's pretty much guaranteed that you're either going to be a great mom or trailer trash, so it could have gone either way, and we're definitely not trailer trash despite the fact that we're all insanely poor, so I think that kind of makes her a great mom by default."

"I see..." Tyra muttered. She wrote something down on her clipboard. "How interesting… now then, I'm going to show you some cool gut blots I made with Cinder's entrails, and I want you to tell me what you see."

"What?" Jaune asked, though that was all he managed to get out before Tyra pulled out a piece of paper, upon which parts of Cinder's intestines were arranged in an odd pattern.

He resisted the urge to throw up, knowing that it would just make things worse, and instead swallowed the bile that rose up in his throat. "Um… I see an angry two-headed ant."

"Okay..." Tyra said, putting it away. "Here's one I made with Emerald's brains. What do you see here?"

"I'm too embarrassed to say what it looks like," Jaune replied.

"I see, I see..." she muttered. "And this one, made out of Hazel's heart and lungs?"

"A light in the darkness," Jaune answered.

"Hmmm..." Tyrian muttered. "One more, made out of Mercury's metal legs and/or shattered hopes and dreams. What does this one look like to you?"

"Two bears high-fiving," Jaune said.

"Mm-hm..." Tyra muttered, again scribbling on her clipboard. Jaune watched, anxious.

"What's the prognosis, doc?" he asked. "How bad is it?"

"You seem to have specced into Survival, Speech, and Science," Tyra said.

"…What does that mean?" Jaune questioned.

Tyra shrugged, throwing the clipboard away. "No idea, so instead I'll just go with my gut and say that the only cure for what ails you is more lovemaking."

"Oh," Jaune said. "But I thought that was the problem in the first place."

"Don't worry," Tyra assured him. "I'll be gentle...ish. You won't feel a thing. Well, your penis will, but that's neither here nor there."

How reassuring. Still, he wasn't going to get out of this, so he figured he should probably resign himself to his fate.

"Hold the fucking phone!" Ruby shouted. "You're not a licensed medical professional! That test was taken from a video game!"

"Bitch, shut up!" Tyra shouted back. "You wanna go?! I'll wreck you right here, right now! Bring it on, Tiny – I'll have you know that I've killed more cunts than cervical cancer, and I'd have no problem cutting you down to size!"

"Whoa, whoa!" Jaune called out. "Where did this come from?!"

Ruby paused. "I don't know," she said. "I guess I'm just shocked by how blatant she is. I was going to do something about it to make sure you're not being taken advantage of or anything, but then I remembered that she's a literal serial killer who's only nominally good, so I guess you're on your own, bud."

"Thanks," Jaune deadpanned. "Thanks for that."

"Well, I'm glad we got that sorted out," Tyra said, proud of herself. "And here I was, thinking that in order to complete my intimidation of you, I was going to have to pull out the old 'my favorite people to hurt are orphans' line."

"Why is that?" Ren asked, curious.

"Because they can't go tell their parents," Tyra answered.

"Damn," Nora said. "Ice cold."

"I know, right?"

Before the conversation could get any more off-track and stupid, the doors to the cafeteria suddenly burst open, and of all things, a Seer Grimm came floating in. Salem's face was already plastered across its front, and she looked pissed.

"What is wrong with you people?" she demanded. "Did you not think to check the headmaster's office at all?"

"Uh, no?" Yang said. "We assumed that guy was dead already, because why else wouldn't he be here?"

"But you didn't even check!" Salem complained. "I've literally been in there with a dead, rotting lion Faunus for days, waiting for one of you to enter and see his corpse and my

Seer Grimm, so there would be this big, dramatic reveal about how he was actually a traitor!"

"Sounds rough," Nora offered.

"You're damn right," Salem replied. "Anyway, I finally come down from the headmaster's office because I officially lost all my patience, and what do I find? My number one follower here, fraternizing with the enemy! Not only that, but all of my other followers are fucking dead!"

"I know, isn't it great?" Tyra asked.

"No, it isn't great!" Salem shouted. "How am I supposed to destroy Ozma once and for all now? Sure, my followers were mostly useless and annoying, but they still somehow managed to get results. Without them, I'm practically dancing in the dark! Seriously, could you have at least left me Watts? The others were kind of worthless, but his hacking skills were useful."

"Because it let you hack into things?" Ruby guessed.

"Yes, but mostly because I am not good with technology," Salem admitted. "I recently acquired a gramophone and he was teaching me how to use it, but now with him gone, I'm lost."

"A gramophone?" Weiss questioned. "Ozpin, seriously, this is the person you're losing a forever war to?"

"In my defense, she's a lot more threatening when she's up-close and actually has followers," Ozpin said.

"Look, all of this is missing the point," Salem stated. "That point being: how could you betray me, Tyra? I was your goddess!"

"Yes, you were my goddess," Tyra replied. "But I happened to find someone who actually returns my affections and also isn't afraid to masturbate along with me, unlike you."

"So how's it feel, Salem?" Ozpin asked. "Knowing that all your centuries-long machinations are being undone by a horny teenage boy?"

Salem's eyes narrowed. "You win this round, Ozma. But make no mistake – I'll be back, with another psycho to contest the likes of Tyra. And this time, I'll make sure she stays loyal by actually lezzing out with her whenever she wants."

"Good luck with that, Salem," Ozpin said. "Truly, I mean it. Maybe getting laid will actually mellow you out a bit."

With that, the line went dead, as did the Seer Grimm, probably because Tyra seemed to have had enough and finally killed it. Everyone stared at it for a moment before Tyra cleared her throat loudly.

"I'm going to fuck Jaune now," she declared. "Are you all staying or leaving?"

Everyone high-tailed it out of there as fast as their legs could take them, and Jaune smirked to himself.

Honestly, as far as girlfriends went, he figured he could do a lot worse.

Blake stared as she took in the scene in front of her. From what she could see, all of Salem's minions had been brutally killed, save for the scorpion Faunus. And from the sounds of things, said scorpion Faunus was currently getting it on with Jaune a few floors above them. Meanwhile, all her friends were sitting in the corner, headphones covering their ears to block out the sounds of lovemaking, as they all drew straws to see who got to clean up the bodies currently putrefying in the center of the school.

"What the hell did we miss?" Blake wondered aloud as the crowd of Menagerie's finest behind her mulled about in confusion.

Man, Tyrian is a lot of fun to write. He's up there with Roman and Neo as probably the most fun characters to write in the entire show - Roman because he's a snarky asshole, Neo because she's Neo, and Tyrian because he's completely insane. He reminds me of writing Nora, in that he's the kind of character that lets you get away with anything and justify it with "It works because he's insane so it doesn't have to make sense, deal with it." That's not quite the same justification as Nora, but it's damn close, so it's good enough for me.

Of course, that's also part of the struggle with a character like this - you end up with so much freedom to do whatever you want with them that it gets pretty overwhelming, hence why I waited this long to do Tyrian. But it's done now, and in a way that I'm pretty damn satisfied with, so I couldn't be happier with it.

In other news, updates might eventually slow down a bit, or I might even be taking a hiatus soon, since I am looking to quit my current job and take up a new position elsewhere, which is to say that I'll be spending a lot of time job hunting in the near future. No idea yet if I'll actually need to slow down or take a hiatus, but just know that it's certainly a possibility. I'll do my best to avoid it, but I won't make any promises. I'd hate to have to break the streak of biweekly updates I've been on since the beginning of this fic, but it is what it is. For now, I'll stick to the schedule. I'll let you know if I need to break the streak or go on hiatus in the name of finding new employment.

Next update: Saturday, June 26th.