Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 47: Tock, or: Ansel Man Fucks Crocodile

There's something to be said about being perpetually single, namely that it sucks ass. Jaune Arc knew that better than just about everyone at Beacon, which was why he had seen fit to take desperate measures.

"Okay, remind me again why we're doing this," Nora deadpanned as she looked up from the control panel.

Jaune adjusted the glasses on his face, then dusted off his lab coat. "Because, Nora – I'm sick of not having a nice girl to call my own and I want to fix that."

"Have you even tried to approach a girl at this school other than Weiss?"

"What's your point?"

"Well, you're acting like there's nobody out there for you or that they've all rejected you, but to my knowledge, the only one you've ever even tried to get with is Weiss. I'm just saying that maybe it'd be better for you if you actually, you know, approached someone and asked her out instead of doing… whatever this is."

Jaune blinked. "...Alright, you may have a point."

"Yes, that's what I-"

"However, I've already gotten the machine set up, so we're still doing this."

Nora shrugged. "Whatever you say, dude. Don't come crying to me when this fails."

"Oh, it won't fail," Jaune assured her. "I've done all the calculations necessary to ensure that it doesn't fail."

Just then, the door to Ozpin's office opened, and Ren and Pyrrha stepped in. "What are you guys doing?" Ren asked.

"Getting Jaune a girlfriend from far across the reaches of time and space," Nora answered.

"Ah," Ren acknowledged. "One of those days, then?"

"Yup." Nora turned to Pyrrha. "You can stop the insanity, you know. You have that power."

Pyrrha flushed red, but refused to say anything. Nora rolled her eyes. "You people are unbelievable, I swear. Well, don't come crying to me when he electrocutes himself."

"Wait, electrocutes himself?" Pyrrha asked, surprised. "Just what is he doing?"

"I'm making a time machine so I can drag a waifu from the past into our time," Jaune answered.

"But why, though?" Ren asked. "There are plenty of girls here in our time."

"Yeah, well, I've already built the machine, so fuck it."

"Suit yourself, I guess. How does it work?"

Jaune grinned. "I'm so glad you asked." He motioned to Ozpin's desk, which was currently attached to a pulley system. "First, I get Nora to stand on the desk holding some wires, which are leading into my time machine."

"Wait, time machine?" Pyrrha asked. "All I see is a microwave hooked up to a bunch of random metal objects."

"And what's with the Jello bananas, anyway?" Ren questioned.

Jaune ignored them both. "Anyway, I get Nora to stand on the desk, then raise her up into the thunderstorm so lightning strikes her. The current will then travel through the wires, completing a circuit at the time machine and giving it enough power to tear open a portal in time and space, from which the woman of my dreams shall surely appear."

"Don't forget the popcorn," Nora chimed in.

Pyrrha raised an eyebrow. "Popcorn?"

Jaune sighed. "Yes, I had to take the microwave from the common area to make this whole thing work. Nora happened to want some popcorn and decided that there's no reason why the machine can't still be used as a microwave as well as a time machine. So she's got a bag of movie theater butter in there, I think. Hopefully it doesn't come out as Jello." He shook his head. "But that's neither here nor there, for the hour of my one true romance is at hand!"

"Should I even ask how you managed to rope Ozpin into agreeing to this?" Ren asked. "Because you're in his office, and all this stuff looks an awful lot like school property. Somehow I don't think he'll be too happy about this."

"Oh," Jaune said. "Well, that's easy – I just asked Nora to whip up some of her special hot cocoa for him. Remind me again what's in that, Nora?"

"It's basically regular hot cocoa, but all the water that you mix the cocoa powder with has been replaced with root beer, you've dumped in a few more teaspoons of sugar, and you dissolve a double-glazed apple fritter in there," Nora answered.

"Oh, so that's why he's not here throwing a fit about this," Pyrrha observed. "He's in diabetic shock at the moment."

"Precisely," Jaune confirmed. "Now, judging by the amount of aura he's got, I say we have about an hour before his insulin levels have returned to non-lethal range, and he's discharged from the hospital, upon which he will surely storm back here and give me detention for life for the high crime of ruining perfectly good hot cocoa. I am fully prepared to accept that punishment if it means uniting with my one true love, whoever she may be, but that's dependent entirely on the timeframe being correct, which according to my estimates should be right about-" There was a crack of lightning overhead, and Jaune grinned. "Now."

"Were your estimates just watching the weather channel?" Ren asked.

"Maybe," Jaune replied.

"I don't know how you can watch that garbage," Nora chimed in. "To me, weather is like car racing – it's only exciting when it kills people."

"We can debate the merits of the weather channel later," Jaune insisted. "For now, we need to get this show on the road. You ready, Nora?"

"You got it, dude," Nora said, hopping onto Ozpin's desk with the wires in her hand. "Lift me up."

Jaune nodded, then turned on the pulley system. Ozpin's desk began to rise into the air, breaking through the roof without an issue. As they watched, Ren leaned over to whisper into Pyrrha's ear.

"You know, you really should stop this," he insisted. "I mean, Nora doesn't care about getting struck by lightning or anything due to her semblance, but Jaune is going to get detention forever at this rate."

"I mean, yeah, but look at him," Pyrrha said. "He seems so eager for this to happen. What's the harm in letting him have a little fun? Besides, it's not like it's going to work."

"Suit yourself," Ren said, shrugging.

Jaune paid them no mind as Nora began to ascend, instead sitting there and anxiously rubbing his hands together in anticipation. Up above, lightning cracked through the night sky, and he swallowed nervously, hoping that this would work.

Nora reached the apex of her height, then held up both halves of the cable. A bolt of lightning came arcing down, directly impacting her, just as Jaune had wanted. He quickly glanced over at his time machine, a wide grin splitting his face.

"Yes, yes!" he called. "It's working!"

Ren leaned over to take a look. "Oh, sweet – looks like there actually will be popcorn after all."

"Don't doubt me, nonbeliever!" Jaune shouted. He looked back to Nora. "Just a bit more! Once we get this thing up to one-point-two-one gigawatts, we're gonna see some serious shit!"

"Does that serious shit happen to smell like burnt popcorn?" Pyrrha asked.

Jaune ignored her, instead letting out a cackle as Nora absorbed several more bolts of electricity. Ren opened his mouth to say something clever, but stopped when he noticed a disturbance in the air around him. His hair began to stand up due to static electricity, and the nearby sound began to drop out. Looking around, he saw that Jaune and Pyrrha were just as confused as he was. None of them got a chance to ask what was going on before a wormhole appeared out nowhere in the center of Ozpin's office, then spat something out. The thing came flying through the air, colliding with Jaune and sending them both end-over-end. He wound up a few feet away on his back, the newcomer perched over top of him.

Wincing, Jaune opened his eyes, and couldn't help but grin in triumph. His plan, it seemed, had worked – perched over him was a young woman, perhaps a few years older than him, who looked an awful lot like a crocodile. At least, that was the impression he got from her complexion, the scales lining her body, and her razor-sharp metallic teeth.

"Ah, bloody hell..." she grunted, shaking her head. "What the fuck just happened…?"

"I believe I just summoned you," Jaune said.

The woman opened her eyes, staring down at him in surprise. "You summoned me?"

He nodded. "Yup! Pleased to meet you – I'm Jaune Arc."

"I don't remember asking."

His smile faltered at that. "Well-"

The woman rolled her eyes, leaping to her feet, though she was quick to wince and clutch at her side in pain. "Fuck me, that silver-eyed bitch really did a number on me..." she grunted out. She cast a look around, blinking in surprise. "Hang on, what the hell is all this?"

Ren and Pyrrha exchanged a glance with each other. Somehow, Jaune's plan had actually worked, but apparently it wasn't going exactly as he planned. Jaune rose to his feet, dusting himself off, then approached the woman he had unwittingly dragged into the present.

"You're at Beacon," he told her. "We're in Ozpin's office."

Her eyes widened. "Ozpin? As in, the headmaster of Beacon Academy? That Ozpin?"

"Uh, yeah? Are there any other Opzins I should be aware of?"

"Never mind that," she said, perhaps a bit too quickly. "I have business with him, you could say. Know where he is?"

"In the hospital, dying of diabetes, though I'm sure he'll get better in a bit."

She scowled. "Damn, and here I thought it would be easy..." She shook her head. "Ah, well." Again, she looked around. "What year is it, anyway? All of you are dressed weird and Vale looks a lot different than I remember."

"It's..." Jaune paused, then looked back over to the other two for clarification. They shrugged, showing that they didn't know what year it was, either. Sighing, he looked back to the new girl. "...It's the future, I believe."

"The future?"

"Yeah, the future."

She blinked, surprised, and for a moment, Jaune was afraid she was going to freak out. He was stunned when she instead burst out laughing.

"Ah, that's fuckin' amazing!" she said. "Hear that, Calavera? Tock wins again! Fate's on my side, it seems! Even when you're about to kill me, I still win! Take that, bitch!"

"So, your name's Tock?" Jaune asked.

"What's it to you?" Tock demanded, her laughter dying.

Jaune recoiled slightly. "N-nothing, I just thought that since it sounds like I saved you from death and all-"

"Ah, you want some kind of reward for that, then?"

"I mean-"

"Well, what'll it be?" Tock asked, putting a hand on her hip. "You want a kiss or something? Maybe a quickie?" Her eyes lit up. "Ooh, that actually sounds nice right now – it's been awhile since I got any, and I presume that since I got pulled through time and space and all, the boss lady won't be expecting me back at work any time soon. I think a little R-and-R is called for."

Jaune was stunned. "...Are you offering-"

"Offering? No. I don't offer anything," she said. "I take what I want, when I want. If you don't like it, then you can go fuck yourself. And at this moment, I say I'm taking you for a ride you aren't ever gonna forget."

At that point, Pyrrha stepped forwards. "Hang on, isn't that a little-"

Tock waved her off. "Oh, piss off, would you? I'm trying to get some. You can have a turn when I'm done with him, if it bothers you so much."

Pyrrha flushed red, but backed down. Meanwhile, Jaune offered no protests as Tock swept him off his feet and slung him over his shoulder, then carried him off to parts unknown. Ren and Pyrrha simply stared at her as she left, neither one of them wanting to get on her bad side.

Nora came up beside them, munching on some popcorn. "So, looks like Jauney's bitten off more than he can chew," she observed.

Ren shook his head. "He always does, it seems."

True to Ren's word, when Jaune appeared at breakfast the next day, he looked awful. There were dark rings under his eyes, his hair was frayed and unkempt, and he was walking with a limp. Oh, and Tock was there too, of course, looking like she'd had the night of her life. Probably because she had, at Jaune's expense. The two of them settled into their seats at the table like nothing was wrong, which caused all of Team RWBY to pause and stare at Tock in surprise.

"Who's this?" Blake asked. "She doesn't look like a student."

"She's-" Pyrrha began, only for Tock to cut her off.

"I'll be speaking for myself, you little redheaded beta," Tock snapped, causing Pyrrha to shrink back in her seat. "The name's Tock. I'll be sticking around for a bit. Don't mind me at all – I'm just here to do my job and have a little fun on the side."

Jaune tried to scoot away, but she reached out, taking him by the shoulder and dragging him back to his seat.

"I take it that Jaune's pretty good, then?" Nora asked.

"Nora!" Weiss said.

"What? We were all thinking it."

Tock shrugged. "He's not bad for a virgin. But he'll learn. Isn't that right, Jaune?"

"Help me..." he gasped out. "She's insatiable. I can't feel my legs."

"Sorry, man," Ren said, shaking his head. "You got yourself into this mess by summoning her, so you can have fun getting yourself out of it, because I think I speak for all of us when I say that nobody here wants any part of your new girlfriend."

"You're damn right," Tock said. She slung an arm around Jaune's shoulders, pulling him close with a grin on her face. "Consider yourself my own personal property for now, boy. At least until I'm bored of you, whenever that may be."

Jaune just whimpered in response.

"Hold up," Yang interjected. "Jaune summoned her? How does that work?"

"Honestly, the jury's still out on this one," Nora replied. "Something about a time machine and one-point-two-one gigawatts. Popcorn was involved. It had no business working, but somehow it did, because apparently this universe runs off of anime logic."

"We're literally a bunch of teenagers living in a school together so we can learn to fight monsters," Ruby pointed out. "I can't believe it took all of you until now to realize that our world does, in fact, run off of anime logic."

"Well, if you're so sure of it, what's going to happen next?" Blake asked.

"Simple: the school is going to be attacked, someone not-that-important-to-the-overall-story-but-just-important-enough-that-their-loss-will-hurt is going to die horribly, probably in front of someone they really care about, and then we're going to have to pick up the pieces and go after the people responsible, likely while getting drawn into a centuries-old conspiracy that's been lurking in the shadows this whole time." Ruby crossed her arms. "It's basic anime logic, really. The school has to go up in flames so the story actually progresses, someone has to die so it actually feels impactful but they can't be so important that it causes people to start losing interest in the story overall, and the conspiracy thing is just there to spice up what would otherwise be a fairly bog-standard revenge story, though I'm sure that with time, it'll eventually get fleshed out a bit more. Make sense?"

"Surprisingly, yes," Ren said. Everyone but Ruby gave him a concerned look, and he rolled his eyes. "Look, normally I'd be right there with you in calling Ruby's statement wrong and retarded, but Jaune literally just summoned an alligator Faunus from across the reaches of time and space. If that's not proof that our world runs on anime logic, I don't know what is."

"Actually, I'm a crocodile Faunus," Tock interrupted.

"What's the difference?" Yang asked.

"Oh, I'm so glad you asked."

Tock stood up, pulling a set of glasses out of her pocket and placing them over her eyes. She then snapped her fingers, and a haggard-looking and very beaten-up Team CRDL came hurrying into the cafeteria, wheeling a portable whiteboard along with them. They left the whiteboard there and took off running in the opposite direction. Tock merely picked up a dry erase marker, then began to write on the whiteboard.

"First off, let's begin with what we know about crocodiles and alligators," she said.

"Ooh, I know!" Ruby said. "One of them likes fresh water and the other one likes salt water!"

"Correct," Tock said, writing that on the board. "Crocodiles prefer salt water, and alligators prefer fresh water. Hence why I swallow and don't spit – I kind of like the salty flavor, as befitting my Faunus heritage. Isn't that right, Jaune?"

Jaune shuddered. "So much semen..."

Tock ignored him, instead turning back to the others. "What else?"

"I think one of them is more aggressive than the other?" Blake ventured.

"Good," Tock said, again noting it on the board. "And, just like last time, I think Jaune can vouch for my species' reputation there."

"She takes femdom to the next level..." Jaune whimpered. "But don't tell her I said that or she'll edge me again."

"Too late, I already heard it. Consider yourself edged after this," Tock said, causing Jaune to slump over in his seat. "Right, then. Anyone else?"

"I think they look slightly different?" said Weiss.

"They do, indeed, look slightly different," Tock said. She drew a small diagram of each on her whiteboard to demonstrate. "As you can see, alligators have a wider, U-shaped snout. Crocodiles have a thinner, V-shaped snout. I'd ask Jaune for some clarification here but I'm not sure he's in any state to speak right now."

True to her word, Jaune was slumped over the table, his head in his hands as he lamented his soon-to-be-fate of being edged again. Tock flashed him a grin, then looked back to the others.

"Now, then," she said. "There's a big one you're missing, and that's location. I'll spare you the questioning session and just tell you instead. Alligators tend to prefer the east, so places such as Mistral and Sanus, while crocodiles like the south – there's a lot of them in Menagerie, but there's also a sizable population near Vacuo. Curiously, there is only one place where alligators and crocodiles exist simultaneously, that being Ansel."

"Really?" Pyrrha questioned. "Why Ansel?"

Tock shrugged. "I don't know. Personally, I think it's because Ansel is the only place in the world that can produce Ansel Men."

"Ansel Men?" Weiss questioned. "What's that?"

"The world's worst superhero, basically," Yang explained. "Ansel Man is more of a concept than anything, so named because of the headlines that come out of Ansel whenever an Ansel Man does something monumentally stupid. You've seen them before – think things such as 'Ansel Man Steals Police Car, then Drives it to Jail' or 'Ansel Man Breaks into Fast Food Restaurant and Drinks Three Gallons of Deep Fry Oil,' or 'Ansel Man Strips Naked and Goes to Fast Food Restaurant, Then Tries to Fight People for Staring at His Wiener.' Basically, any headline like that."

Weiss was appalled. "...Is this stuff that's only unique to Ansel or something?"

"No, but it's most commonly found in Ansel because they're much more open when it comes to the privacy rights of their criminals," Yang answered. "You find weirdos like that everywhere on Remnant, but they only get really publicized like that in Ansel, specifically because they're so open about it."

"Also, meth," Ruby added. "It's huge in Ansel, from what I hear. Nothing really tops meth when it comes to making people do stupid things for no reason."

"I don't even think it can be blamed on the meth," Blake said. "I think at this point, it's almost like a rite of passage or a pasttime over there to do something so stupid that it makes the news. Like you can't progress from an Ansel Boy to an Ansel Man unless you're on the nightly news because you got in a fight over whether whole milk or almond milk was better and went to prison over it."

"In any case, I'm convinced that the reason why both crocodiles and alligators exist in Ansel and Ansel only is because that's the only place in the world that produces Ansel Men as we know them," Tock said. "Sure, other places may have their own rough equivalents to Ansel Man, but they aren't quite the same – only in Ansel can you find a combination of mind-bogglingly stupid things, methamphetamine, and a body that's more orange juice than water. Something about those three traits together seems to make Ansel Men quite the delicacy among crocodiles and alligators."

"Is that why you're so into Jaune?" Ruby questioned. "He's from Ansel, after all."

Tock shook her head. "Nah. He's just an Ansel Boy at this stage. Sure, building a time machine to try and summon his own waifu so he wouldn't be a virgin forever is up there, but he's not really an Ansel Man unless he's done something so stupid that it both gets him arrested and it also makes the news."

"He does drink a lot of orange juice, though," Ren pointed out.

Tock nodded in agreement. "He does, indeed – I could taste it in his semen."

"So, what you're saying is that Jaune is not only inevitably going to progress to an Ansel Man at some point, but that he's also basically the modern-day incarnation of the Crocodile Hunter?" Nora asked.

Everyone except Tock groaned at that.

"Damn it, why did you have to bring that guy up?" Ruby lamented. "I miss him so much."

"He was truly a national treasure of wherever it is that Velvet is from," Blake added.

"I don't get it," Tock said. "Who's the Crocodile Hunter? Is he after my time?"

"Yes," Ren explained. "You missed out. I think you'd especially find him charming as all hell, because he was charming as all hell, but he'd be especially charming to you because of the whole crocodile thing, you know?"

"Why do the good ones always die young?" Weiss asked with a sniffle.

"So, wait, which is Jaune going to end up being?" Yang asked. "Is he going to end up as some bizarre Crocodile Hunter and Ansel Man hybrid?"

"I mean, the Crocodile Hunter basically was an honorary Ansel Man, if you think about it," Nora pointed out. "He just channeled his inner Ansel Man into something constructive and entertaining instead of petty crimes and jail time."

"Why don't we ask him?" Ruby asked. "Hey, Jaune-"

They all looked towards Jaune, but were surprised to find that he wasn't there anymore. They looked around for a bit, wondering where he had gone, but there was no sign of him anywhere.

Jaune pressed himself against the wall, taking in deep breaths.

"Keep it together, Jaune..." he gasped. "Think this over. Okay… you've got an out-of-control crocodile Faunus who wants your dick and doesn't care how she gets it. She's utterly insatiable, and you've got to do something to get her under control. The only question is, what?"

The solution made itself clear in an instant. After all, there was only one person in the entire world who he trusted to ask for advice when it came to crazy women.

His scroll was in his hand in moments. It rang just once before the person on the other end picked up.

"Yes, son?"

"Dad," Jaune greeted. "I've got a big problem."

"Does it involve a girl?"

"How did you-"

"You're an Arc man, son. We're headstrong. For us, the only big problems are those that involve women. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

Jaune took a breath. Truthfully, he wasn't sure how to go about talking to his dad about this, so he figured fuck it, might as well give him the whole spiel, because why not? Not like anything he could do was going to make it any easier on himself.

"Well, I summoned a hot crocodile Faunus from back in the past to the present using a time machine made out of a microwave. I want to like her and all because I kind of summoned her with the express purpose of turning her into a waifu, and I think she has a lot of potential for it because she's right up my alley, which is to say that she's an older woman who can absolutely beat my ass, which I'm totally into, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, she's completely out of control, and I've got no idea how to start reining her in, you know? I'm just at a complete loss. She does whatever she wants whenever she wants, and she sort of takes me for a ride whenever the hell she feels like, which would be nice if not for the fact that it's completely out of my control and I'm usually so drained by the end that I'm shooting blood. I just don't know what to do."
There was a pause for a few seconds as his dad processed what he had said, then he came back with a question of his own.

"A crocodile Faunus, you say?"

Jaune nodded. "Yeah, a crocodile Faunus. Why?"

"I think there's a real simple solution to this problem, son. Listen good now, because I'm about to hit you with some knowledge. It's time for you to progress from an Ansel Boy to an Ansel Man."

Jaune swallowed nervously, knowing that his dad was about to help him fulfill his destiny. Part of him dreaded it, but he couldn't help but be a bit excited.

After all, how dumb could it possibly be?

"Alright, this is stupid."

The words came out of his mouth before he even had a chance to think them, because they were just that self-evident given the situation. He was currently in a rental car, with an entire bag full of bourbon in the passenger seat next to him, as he drove down the streets of Ansel, keeping an eye out for any cops. He drove for a few minutes before finally finding one next to a stop sign. Jaune sighed, then came to a complete stop, reached for the bag, uncapped a bottle of cheap bourbon, and took a big swig. The bottom-of-the-barrel liquor burned the whole way down and tasted like the finest tire fire he had ever swallowed, which is to say that it made him gag, but it had the desired effect – the cop put on his lights and siren and pulled Jaune over.

As the cop approached the driver's side window and motioned for Jaune to turn the car off and roll the window down, he did so, but also pulled a few more bottles of liquor into his lap at the same time. The cop raised an eyebrow, then asked probably the only appropriate question he could have possibly asked.

"Have you been drinking this evening, sir?"

"Yes, sir," Jaune replied.

"Well, you're certainly honest." He motioned to the bourbon in Jaune's lap. "What have you got there?"

"Bourbon."

"Bourbon? You're drinking while driving?"

"No."

"No?" the cop said, incredulous. "You're behind the wheel of a car with like six bottles of rotgut bourbon in your lap."

"You asked if I was drinking while driving," Jaune pointed out. "I'm not; I'm only drinking at stop signs. So technically, I'm not drinking while driving."

Predictably, the cop wasn't amused. "Step out of the car, sir."

Jaune sighed, but did as he was told, pushing the bottles of bourbon off his lap as he rose out of the driver's seat. That was phase one accomplished, now it was time for phase two – doing something even dumber, namely pissing off a cop.

"You know, you're pretty short for a cop," Jaune said.

"I'm five-foot-eight, sir," came the officer's reply.

"No fooling? How's the view from down there?"

"Not that good – all I can see is drunk assholes for miles."

"You know, if everyone around you looks like an asshole to you, it might be you that's the problem. Though I'm sure you get that a lot due to impotent manlet rage. Feels good, being over six feet."

"Whatever you say, sir. Do me a favor and walk in a straight line, please."

"Oh, is this one of those field sobriety tests?" Jaune asked. "Hang on, let me get a bit more comfortable."

With that, Jaune did as any true Ansel Man would do and began to get naked, stripping down to just his boxers. The cop just stared at him as he did so, not sure what to think.

"Sir, there's no reason for you to be naked for this," he said. "I'm not giving you a cavity search."

"Yeah, well, what if I want a cavity search?" Jaune demanded.

"I suppose if you're that eager-"

"I just want to feel a sexy man-cop's huge fingers pound my prostate a bit, is that too much to ask?"

"I feel like I'm being sexually harassed, which is something I never thought I'd say."

"Oh no, Johnny Law feels uncomfortable," Jaune mocked. "Hey, I've got an idea – instead of being a mean road pirate and harassing innocent boat captains like me, why don't you go and oppress a couple of Faunus? I hear you guys are really good at that."

The cop frowned. "My wife's a Faunus."

"Oh, so it's even internalized now. Well, I'll be damned."

The cop sighed, keying his radio. "Yeah, he's resisting."

"Oh, resisting, am I?" Jaune asked. "I'm sorry, I thought this was Ansel. Am I not allowed to exercise my freedom of speech?"

"You've been pulled over for drunk driving, stripped yourself down to your underwear, demanded a cavity search, and are now in the process of antagonizing me, not cooperating, and resisting arrest," the cop pointed out.

"Sounds pretty based to me."

"Alright, yeah, I can see how this is gonna go. Stand still for me, would you?"

The officer reached for his taser, and Jaune's eyes widened. He realized it was now or never.

"You'll never take me alive, Menagerie Five-Oh!" he screamed, making a mad dash for the police cruiser.

The officer tried to chase after him, but it was too late – Jaune managed to get inside the vehicle's open door and then lock himself inside, and after that, immediately put the car in gear and took off speeding down the street, a manic grin on his face and a stiffy in his boxers.

And, within a matter of minutes, he had the entire police force of Ansel on his ass, right there speeding after him. He couldn't help but give a mad cackle as he floored it, accelerating right through traffic without a care in the world.

"There's no way this doesn't work!" he shouted to nobody in particular. He frowned when he realized that there was nobody around to hear his mad declaration, but then his eyes fell on the stolen police car's radio, and his grin widened. He picked up the radio and keyed it.

"Hello, operator?" he asked. "Dial 911 emergency for me – there's a handsome guy in my police cruiser. Actually, cancel that – it's only me."

"Excuse me, who is this?" the dispatcher asked. "Is this the guy who stole Officer Reynolds' cruiser?"

"Yeah, can I get a large meat lover's with cheese stuffed crust?" Jaune asked. "And make sure it's boneless this time."

"What?"

He ignored the dispatcher's request, instead hanging up the radio and slinging over the passenger seat as he began to whistle a tune. In his rear-view mirror, he caught sight of the cops forming up behind him, and his whistle turned into singing as he began to maniacally swerve through traffic.

"Baby~" he sang, barely managing to avoid side-swiping a semi truck. "It's time to make up your mind~"

Up ahead, he caught sight of police officers laying down spike strips, and sighed. "Welp, I suppose it had to end eventually. Ah, well. For Narnia!"

Slamming his foot down on the accelerator, Jaune rocketed through the spike strips, losing all four tires on his stolen police cruiser in the process. Now riding on nothing but rims, he skidded forwards for several dozen feet before finally ending at an abrupt stop, and not a minute too soon, because then the entire department was there, all pointing their guns at him. Jaune blinked as he stared down the barrels of several dozen firearms, then did the only thing any true Ansel Man would do.

He put his hand down his boxer shorts and started cranking it.

"Your move, Mister Law-Man!" he moaned. "You may take me alive, but you'll never un-cum your police car!"

Needless to say, he got tased a lot, then arrested.

As Jaune was brought into police lockup, everyone was cheering. Everyone else in the police station was whooping and hollering, and all the officers made sure to give him a wide grin and a slap on the back. He was the hero of the day, it seemed.

They put him in a holding cell, and he couldn't help but grin widely. One of the officers saw him doing it, and made sure to chastise him for it.

"Don't get ahead of yourself just yet, son," he reminded, waving a finger at him. "We've gotta make sure it made it on the news first."

He was right, but Jaune couldn't help it. That had to have been the craziest thing that Ansel had ever seen. Honestly, he didn't think he had it in him. He turned his attention to the nearby wall-mounted TV, keeping an eye on it. And when he saw Lisa Lavender's glorious cleavage just a few minutes later, well, something just told him that he had made the headlines.

"Our top story tonight," Lisa reported. "Ansel Man goes on a rampage. Jaune Arc was pulled over for drunk driving earlier today, only to then strip down to his underwear and sexually harass the responding officer. The officer attempted to take Arc into custody, but Arc managed to run away and get into the driver's seat of his police cruiser, then take off. A chase ensued for the next couple of miles, before Arc was finally stopped by a pair of spike strips. Once stopped, he proceeded to begin pleasuring himself in the police car before being tased and arrested."

A wild cheer went up through the police station. Again, all of the officers gave him a wide smile and a pat on the back. Someone shoved an entire gallon bottle of orange juice into his hands, and he began to chug it, not stopping until every last drop was drained. Once the gallon jug had been successfully rendered bone dry, the sheriff took it from him and passed him a cold beer instead, and all of the other officers raised their own beers to him in a toast.

"To Jaune Arc," the sheriff said. "For being the craziest damn Ansel Man we've seen since his father, all those years ago."

"To Jaune!" all of the other cops cheered.

They all raised their cans one more time, then drained them all in one go. And just in time, too – the doors to the precinct came flying open, and Tock came strolling in, though there was something different about her. Previously, she had been bold, brash, over-the-top, and completely unapologetic about everything. Now, she was positively demure. She was looking around shyly, her face dusted with a light red blush, though she immediately lit up a bit when she saw Jaune.

"Jaune," she breathed.

Normally, he would have been surprised to see her chase after him, but not anymore – not after he had finally become a man, at last.

"Yes, Tock?" he asked.

He never got a chance to say anything else, because she suddenly rushed forwards and pulled him into a big kiss. Again, all the cops cheered loudly, but Jaune was too busy losing himself in the kiss to care.

She pulled away after a few seconds, looking downright shy, her blush having only intensified. "I-"

"Shh," Jaune said softly. "You don't have to say anything, Tock. I understand completely. Now that I've finally ascended to my rightful spot as an Ansel Man, I am ready to begin this relationship for real."

"Oh, Jaune~" she swooned. "I can't believe you'd do all this for a cockney crocodile Faunus like me!"

"What can I say, except that it's any Ansel Man's wish to do nothing but drink orange juice and bang crocodiles all day, and I'm just fulfilling that which is expected of me," Jaune said. He offered her his hand. "Come on, Tock. Let us retire to the swampfront property legally provided to me as an Ansel Man, where we will proceed to do nothing but pop out little baby crocs and do meth all day."

Hey eyes lit up, and she accepted his arm with a girlish sigh. Together, the two of them skipped off into the sunset, ready to achieve the destiny set out for them as Ansel Man and Ansel Wife.

Alright, so a bunch of you guys wanted to see Tock for some reason, and I was willing to do it, but I didn't know WHAT the fuck to do for Tock's chapter. Seriously, I've called characters nothing characters before, but Tock is like the most nothing character to have ever existed in this show. She's around for one flashback to show how Maria lost her eyes, and then she gets unceremoniously killed off within that same flashback. I was kind of at a loss in terms of what to do with her because there just isn't much to go off of. I get that she's based off a fairy tale, but I don't know jack about that stuff, so I was kind of left scratching my head here. My thought process on this process was literally something like "Crocodile… Florida has crocodiles… Florida also has Florida Man… I can work with this..." The end result is probably the most brain-dead chapter so far, but you know what? It was entertaining as all hell to write, so I've got no complaints here.

I probably should have warned you guys two weeks ago that this chapter was going to drop your IQ by a couple of points, but in my defense, I completely forgot. Oops. Consider this my official apology for all the brain damage I just inflicted upon all of you.

Now I'm really at a loss as to what else to add here, so instead I'll just lay out the roadmap for the next couple of chapters so I can pad my word count a bit: the next chapter is going to be a villain (if she can still be called that after her most recent appearance in the show) who honestly should have been done like thirty chapters ago. The one after that is going to be another character you guys have expressed interest in seeing, but taken in a direction that you probably won't expect, which is to say that I'm taking the whole 'sniper' thing she's got going on to its logical conclusion. Finally, Chapter 50 is going to be a very special Wild Card that I initially wasn't going to do because it felt too self-indulgent and stupid, but a few of you won't stop telling me how much you want to see it, so fuck it, I'm giving the people what they want and actually doing it. After that, when the next few Wild Cards come up every few chapters or so, they'll be the rest of RWBY Alter, because I know you guys are itching to see the other two of those get finished.

There, word count successfully padded. See you guys in two weeks.

Next update: Saturday, August 21.