Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 48: Emerald, or: A Chapter I Should Have Done Ages Ago

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Jaune liked to think that he was a smart man. Sure, he wasn't always wise, but he at least thought he was smart. Maybe not as smart as someone like Weiss, but he wasn't an idiot. Generally speaking, he had always believed that he could look at any given situation and at least know what to think just from that one look. But then again, every once in awhile, something happened that completely threw him for a loop and rendered him unable to properly respond.

Such as this situation, where a cute green-haired girl had her hand in his pants for seemingly no reason.

The two of them stared at each other, neither of them knowing what to do. She seemed afraid to pull her hand out of his pocket, and he… well, he seriously didn't know what to do, because as far as he could tell, this was probably the only time in history a guy like him had ever had a random cute girl just run up and stick her hand in his pants.

So, he did the one thing he was good at, and made things awkward as hell.

"So," he began. "What'cha doing there?"

The girl fidgeted. "...Nothing."

"You sure about that? Because it looks to me like you've got your hand in my pants."

"...That may be the case."

"Uh-huh. So, what were you planning on doing there? Jerking me off?"

The girl stiffened, her face turning red. "I-I wasn't!"

"Then why is your hand so close to my dick?"

"Because that's where your wallet is, you idiot! I'm trying to pickpocket you!"

"Oh." He brought a hand up to rub the back of his head. "Well, you could always just tell me how much you charge for a session-"

"Do you think I'm coming on to you?!" she hissed.

"Hey, I'm just a guy with a cute girl who's got her hand dangerously close to his peen. This has literally never happened to me. As far as I'm concerned, you can name your price and we'll work from there."

She facepalmed. "Look," she said, her voice flat. "I'm not trying to subtly proposition you, or whatever the hell you think it is I'm trying to do. I'm trying to steal your wallet."

"Why?" he couldn't help but ask.

"Because I'm hungry and don't have any money."

He blinked, then eyed her up and down. "...Does Haven not give its teams a stipend for food?"

"They do, but you try keeping it in check when one of your teammates has a literal ice cream fetish."

"Heh, yeah, I get that – Nora's just about eaten her way through our budget in pancakes alone." He rubbed the back of his head. "Anyway, if you're really that hungry, I could always just buy you lunch or something. N-not as a date or anything, just… well… I figure that if you've reduced yourself to pickpocketing random people around Beacon just to eat, then it's the least I could do."

She stared at him in amazement. "...You'd do that for me?"

He nodded. 'Sure, why not? Follow me."

Still amazed, she pulled her hand out of his pocket and followed him as he led her to the cafeteria. Together, they loaded up a tray with various food items, then settled down at a table. It wasn't much – just basic cafeteria food, so things like shitty spaghetti, shitty garlic bread, shitty meatballs… the shitty works. But that being said, Jaune didn't miss how she drooled simply staring at the mediocre spread in front of her.

"There you are," he said. "Dig in, it's on me."

Again, she stared at him in amazement, unsure of what to do. Jaune motioned towards the (shitty) plastic utensils the school had provided for her, and she swallowed nervously, then picked them up and tentatively dug into the spaghetti, cutting into it and taking a big bite out of it. She chewed, and then swallowed…

And then before Jaune knew it, she had pulled him into a big hug.

"My name is Emerald," she declared. "And you and I are now dating."

For the first time in history, Jaune thanked the Gods for shitty cafeteria spaghetti.

"So," Yang began. "Who's this?"

"This is Emerald," Jaune said.

"Okay," Ruby replied. "And… why is she sitting in your lap with her arms around your neck and her head leaned against you?"

Emerald cracked one eye open, then stared at Ruby. "Because we're dating."

"Whoa," Nora said. "When did this happen?"

"Like twenty minutes ago," Jaune explained. "Truthfully, I'm still lost on how this even happened in the first place."

"It's really not hard to understand," Emerald said. "You proved yourself to be a good provider. For someone like me, that means the world. I've only ever been able to rely on one other person in my entire life, but she pales in comparison to the generosity you showed me, Jaune."

"I just bought you lunch..."

"Shh," Emerald said with utmost sincerity, pressing a finger to his lips in order to silence him. "You don't have to remind me of your valiant monetary sacrifice for my sustenance. I understand completely – you took a great personal hit to your finances to ensure that I got to eat. Such kindness will not go unpaid, I assure you."

"Okay, I'm lost," Weiss confessed. "Jaune, you said that this is all because you bought her lunch…?"

"Yes, as unbelievable as that sounds," he said, exasperated. "I bought her some spaghetti and meatballs, and she took one bit and declared me her boyfriend on the spot."

"Weird," Ruby commented. "Now, I could get it if it was something like a ribeye at one of the really nice steakhouses downtown, but three-lien school cafeteria spaghetti? Blegh." She shook her head. "Congrats to you two and all, but I don't think I'd ever be able to tell my kids that I met my future husband over cafeteria spaghetti."

"That being said, you'd totally admit to your kids that you met your future husband over some of those cookies from the new bougie bakery that just opened downtown," Yang said with a grin.

Ruby crossed her arms. "And what's wrong with that?" she asked. "At least that bougie bakery has class."

"All of you people talking about how you want to meet your future spouse over food are weird," Weiss deadpanned.

"Oh? And how do you suggest we meet them, Weiss? Over champagne and caviar?"

"Champagne and caviar would unironically be an improvement," Weiss answered. "At least it's considered high-class."

"I don't understand why," Pyrrha mused. "Champagne tastes awful, and caviar is just fish eggs. I don't get it the same way I don't get people who love lobster."

"What's wrong with lobster?" Blake wondered.

"It's a big, gurgling, mercury-filled sea cockroach," Pyrrha explained. "Not exactly the most appetizing thing in my eyes."

"But it tastes good."

"To you all, maybe. I'd rather eat just about any other seafood."

"Even oysters?" Ren questioned.

Pyrrha shuddered. "Okay, maybe not any other seafood."

"What's with you and not liking seafood?" Jaune couldn't help but ask. "Didn't you live in Mistral? I thought seafood was the big thing over there."

"It is," Pyrrha confirmed. "But that doesn't mean I have to like it. I draw the line at salmon. Anything past that is too seafood for me."

"Let me guess," Blake began. "You're a big fan of Mistralian yogurt?"

Pyrrha's eyes lit up. "Mistralian yogurt does sound quite nice right now..."

"How can you eat that stuff?" Nora wondered. "It's so bitter."

"But it's so high in protein!" Pyrrha pointed out. "All you need to do is mix in some granola, some dried fruit, and maybe a little honey if it's the off season, and you've got something that's downright delectable, but also comes packed with macronutrients. I'd take a bowl full of that over protein powder any day of the week."

Immediately, Yang leaned forward. "Tell me more, my fellow weightlifter. I'm sick of shelling out money for tubs of protein powder."

As the two of them began to discuss the finer points of lifting food, Emerald huffed. "Listen to all of you people, discussing your bougie food," she said with disdain. "I'd be happy with any of it."

"We kind of gathered that when it turned out that you declared yourself Jaune's girlfriend over cafeteria spaghetti," Ruby said.

"All I'm saying is that some of us weren't so lucky as the rest of you. We didn't get to pick and choose what we ate. Before I learned to pickpocket, I mostly ate scraps and whatever I could find in the garbage."

"Damn," Nora said with a whistle. "So you're like the anti-Weiss, then?"

"I resent that remark," Weiss commented.

"But it is true, though," Jaune pointed out. "Emerald grew up as a street urchin who had to fend for herself, at least until she somehow made it into a Huntsman Academy. Speaking of which, still waiting to hear the explanation on that, Emerald."

"In due time," Emerald promised.

"Okay, sure." Jaune looked back to Weiss. "And then there's the physical side of things. You're pale as Atlesian snow, and she's… well, not."

"I feel like you were going to make a quip there, but held yourself back for some reason," Ren surmised.

Jaune fidgeted, uncomfortable. "Wouldn't that be racist?"

"Racist?" Blake asked. "How is it racist to judge someone based on the color of their skin? That's just dumb."

"I just figured-"

"We all know that nobody on Remnant judges people based on the color of their skin. Rather, they judge them based on if they have a second set of ears or not."

Weiss shook her head. "Oh, here we go..."

"In fact, I'm kind of questioning why you'd be so concerned about this in the first place," Blake continued. "After all, why would anyone bother judging someone based on their skin tone when they can just be racist towards the people with extra ears and tails instead?"

"Maybe people would be less racist towards Faunus if you all weren't so fucking obnoxious about it," Ren said. "Seriously, it's kind of hard to take you all seriously when every other word out of your mouth is complaining. Develop some additional character, for fuck's sake. You know it's bad when people can see a girl with cat ears or a fox tail and instead of thinking about how cute she is, they instead think 'Man, she's cute. I sure hope she doesn't ruin it by complaining all the fucking time.'"

Blake gave him the middle finger, then looked back to Jaune. "All I'm saying is that you can totally make quips about her skin color and it's fine because it's not actually racist."

"Uh, I think I'm good, thanks," Jaune said. "I kind of just got this girlfriend and don't want to risk losing her over some stupid joke."

"Suit yourself," Blake said.

Jaune stared at her for a moment, then shook his head to try and alleviate some of his confusion. It didn't work, but then again it never did when he had to deal with these people. "Anyway, where was I?" he asked.

"You were pointing out how Emerald is the anti-Weiss," Pyrrha said.

"Oh, right. Do I need to go on, or should I just leave it there?"

"There's more to this?" Yang wondered.

"I mean, I was going to go into detail about how Weiss is flat as a board on both ends while Emerald isn't, but-"

"Wow, good to know that you're still perving on me," Weiss said.

"It's just an observation, Weiss," Jaune insisted.

"You admitted you were looking at my chest and butt!"

"Purely for observational reasons, I swear. Unless you mean to tell me that you don't admire guys' shoulders and biceps in the gym."

"That's different!"

"How is it different?" Ruby wondered. "You're still checking people out the same way Jaune was checking you out."

"Because shoulders and biceps aren't sexual the same way butts and breasts are, Ruby!"

"Sounds like you're just being a hypocrite, Weiss," Blake said, crossing her arms. "Then again, I suppose that's to be expected."

"Excuse me?" Weiss asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, nothing. I'm just thinking back to all those times you asked us not to judge you for being a Schnee, and then immediately went and judged Sun for being a Faunus."

"You know what? I'm not doing this," Weiss declared. "I've been through a lot today. First I met my opposite, then I learned that you all think I'm a pervert, and now I'm being called a hypocrite. Well, you know what? I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take this anymore, so goodbye."

With that, Weiss stood up and marched off, her head held high.

"No, wait, come back," Yang deadpanned, but to no avail. She waited until Weiss was gone, then grinned as she looked back to Jaune. "Finally, she's gone. So, give us the dirty deets."

Jaune raised an eyebrow. "The dirty deets?"

"Yeah. Have you given her the old in-out-in-out just yet?"

"We've literally been boyfriend and girlfriend for like twenty minutes," Jaune pointed out.

"Yeah, so? Lots of people these days are fucking without even dating. It's like you're unfamiliar with the concept of a one-night-stand."

"I like to think that I'm classier than that," Jaune stated.

"Wow, what a virgin."

"Yeah, me and everyone else at the table besides you and Blake," he deadpanned. "That's not nearly as effective of an insult as you think it is, you know."

"Eh, it serves its purpose of riling people up, so I'm satisfied."

The sound of footsteps against the cafeteria's tile floor caught their attention, causing them to turn. Jaune was surprised to find a tall, dark-haired girl dressed in a Haven uniform marching towards him, looking none too pleased.

"Emerald, what the hell is this?" she demanded as she approached.

"Hello to you too, Cinder," Emerald said. "Was there something you wanted?"

"Who's this?" Jaune asked.

"My team leader."

"Oh, is that all I am to you now?" Cinder demanded.

Jaune frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"Cinder and I have a… complicated relationship," Emerald admitted.

Jaune blinked. "...Oh. Uh, is it still-"

Emerald shook her head. "Nope. I've got you now."

"...I'm not a homewrecker, am I?"

Emerald chuckled. "Oh, Jaune. You're so funny. No, Cinder and I weren't quite that close."

"Oh, we weren't, were we?" Cinder said, putting a hand on her hip. "And here I was, thinking I meant a lot more to you than this."

"That's funny," Emerald commented. "Because I remember trying to make you actually realize that for ages, and you ignoring me every time. Unfortunately for you, I've moved on." She threw her arms around Jaune, and then looked back to Cinder. "You should have thought of this before you spurned my advances."

Cinder grit her teeth. "Emerald," she began. "You realize that I still need you."

"Oh, I do. And I've decided that I don't care."

"You mean to tell me that you're allying with him?!"

Emerald glared at her. "Don't talk about Jaune that way! He's an amazing man. He's certainly treated me far better than you ever did."

"All I did was buy you shitty cafeteria food..." Jaune muttered.

"Yes, and that means a lot to a street urchin like me," Emerald declared. "Do you want to know how many meals Cinder bought me? None."

"That's not true!" Cinder protested. "I've gotten you food before!"

"Name a single time."

Cinder hesitated, and Emerald leaned against Jaune. "I rest my case." She waved Cinder away. "Shoo, now."

Again, Cinder grit her teeth. "This isn't over," she said. "I still need you, Emerald. And I will make sure I get you back, one way or another."

With that, she stormed off, leaving everyone staring at Emerald in confusion. She just shrugged.

"She's too clingy," Emerald stated.

"I'll say," Pyrrha replied. "What was all that stuff about needing you?"

"Oh, that. It's this… this whole crazy thing. I wouldn't worry about it."

"Uh, okay."

"Now, then." Emerald turned to Jaune. "Take me to your room, boyfriend."

Jaune paled. "A-already?!"

She grinned at him. "What better way to spite Cinder than this? I don't mind if you don't."

"Uh..."

"Seriously, dude?" Ruby deadpanned. "Just take the hint and go bone already. She clearly wants it bad."

Jaune looked back to Emerald and found her giving him bedroom eyes. He swallowed nervously. "A-alright..."

Emerald didn't wait to hear anything else, instead leaping up, then picking him up in a princess carry and taking off towards his room. They made it in no time, and Emerald kicked the door in, then threw him onto the nearest bed, which turned out to be Pyrrha's. Jaune made a mental note to buy her some ice cream and stain remover later.

"B-be gentle, please..." Jaune begged.

Given that Emerald was in the process of hastily stripping her school uniform off and was staring at him the same way a hungry dog stares at a juicy steak, he could tell that his cries had fallen on deaf ears.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."

"You alright, man?" Nora asked. "Did the missus put you through the wringer last night?"

"You can say that again..." Jaune muttered as he took a seat at the table. "Ow."

As he sat down, Pyrrha glared at him. "Did you have to do it on my bed, by the way?"

"I didn't exactly have a choice in the matter..." he grumbled. "Emerald basically jumped me. I even asked her to be gentle, but she didn't care."

"You showed weakness," Ren lamented. "Pain was inevitable."

"Speaking from experience?" Jaune asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Not firsthand, but kind of," Ren answered. "I spent a bit of time around some seedy Mistralian bars, so I'm familiar with how the courtship process between Huntresses and everyone else works. So I can safely say that most Huntresses are downright predatory. Show some weakness, and they'll pounce."

"That's simultaneously the scariest and sexiest thing I've ever heard," Jaune mused.

"Well, you should probably get used to it," Nora remarked. "Because I doubt that Emerald is going to let you rest any time soon."

"You've got that right," Emerald said with a nod. "He doesn't get to sleep until I'm satisfied, and he's completely drained."

"That sounds far more aggressive than it should have," Pyrrha pointed out.

"Can you blame me? I grew up as a street urchin. Not only was I deficient in food in water, but I was also deficient in love, too. My best friend for years was a literal rat I found in the garbage, until a tough winter arrived one year, and I had no choice but to kill and eat him."

Ren winced. "Ouch. You have my condolences. That sounds rough."

"It was – he tasted awful. But that's beside the point – what I'm trying to say is that I'm very severely love-starved, so it's nice to finally have someone who loves me."

"Aww~" Pyrrha said. "That's so sweet."

"It'd be even more sweet if this whole thing wasn't because of shitty cafeteria food," Jaune couldn't help but add. "Not that I don't appreciate what it led to, but still."

Emerald opened her mouth to respond, only to look over Jaune's shoulder and furrow her brow. She let out a groan. "Look out – here comes one of my dumbass teammates. Loos like it's Mercury this time."

"Another one?" Nora remarked. "Cinder's little intrusion yesterday wasn't enough?"

"Apparently not."

"Can you answer me one thing?" Jaune asked. "Why is she trying so hard to win you back?"

"Believe me, we'd be here all day if we started going down that rabbit hole."

That was as much Jaune got out of her before Mercury arrived, giving them all a smug grin and wave.

"'Sup, losers?" he asked.

"That's your opening?" Pyrrha remarked. "I thought you were coming over here to try and get Emerald back."

"I am."

"Then why didn't you put a bit more effort into your opening pitch?"

"Because I don't really care that much," Mercury said with a shrug. "I'm only doing this because Cinder said she'd literally roast my ass if I didn't, and I'm quite fond of my ass going un-roasted, as you can probably imagine."

"That girl has issues," Ren commented. "She should just accept the breakup and move on."

"For real," Nora agreed. "Tell her to just take the fucking L at this point and cut her losses before she embarrasses herself."

Mercury winced, then rubbed the back of his head. "Uh, yeah – breakup. Anyway, you don't quite get it. We kinda… need Emerald for something."

Emerald crossed her arms, annoyed. "I thought I made it clear that I've already chosen my side," she said.

"You did, but Cinder is desperate. Nobody can really replace you."

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Geez, man. Lay it on a bit less thick, will you?"

"Oh, shut up, nerd," Mercury said. "I'm not even trying that hard to win her back, no need to get so protective."

"Why are you the one trying to do this, anyway?" Pyrrha asked. "Because you're kind of a sperg."

"Because Cinder is a sociopath, and the other girl on my team literally can't talk, so I'm like the only other option they had," Mercury pointed out.

"Oh, you got voluntold," Nora said with a nod. "I get it. I mean, it doesn't justify the fact that you're pretty shit at your job, but hey, you do you, I guess."

"Have I mentioned that I really don't care that much?" Mercury brought up. "Because I really don't care that much."

"I can't blame you," Jaune remarked. "I wouldn't care about my sociopath team leader's love life, either. Frankly, I'm surprised that anyone actually gives a single solitary shit about what Emerald and I get up to, except your team leader, because she obviously has a complex about this sort of thing."

"Look, man-" Mercury began, only for Emerald to interrupt him in the only way she knew how.

Namely, by using her semblance to make it appear like she had turned into him.

Everyone jumped seeing another Mercury appear, except Jaune, because he was already familiar with her semblance thanks to some bedroom shenanigans they had gotten up to the night before. And no, he didn't have her turn into his celebrity crush or anything – that'd just be wrong. No, he had her stay exactly the same as she was normally.

...Alright, maybe he had her add some fox ears and a tail to herself for a bit. Fucking sue him – he knew what he liked, and she didn't seem to mind. It wasn't his fault that fox girls were top-tier.

Anyway, the two Mercurys stared at each other, then Emerald!Mercury grinned.

"Look at me, I'm Mercury," she taunted. "I act like a huge douchebag all the time to compensate for the fact that daddy took my legs and semblance. Wah, wah, wah! I'm actually a huge baby with massive daddy issues on the inside!"

"I thought she was supposed to be Mercury, not Weiss," Nora commented, though everyone ignored her.

Mercury!Mercury glared at her, crossing his arms. "Laugh it up, Em. Just know that I'll be laughing right back when Cinder decides to get her retribution."

Emerald simply bent down and rolled up her pant legs, revealing the metallic legs underneath. "Hey, everyone! Check it out, I'm a cripple! It'd be inspiring if I wasn't such an absolute dick to everyone!" She paused. "...How'd I even get these legs, anyway? Aren't these prosthetics expensive? Why would the dad who hates me spend this kind of money on me? Nothing about this backstory makes sense."

"At least you got a backstory..." Pyrrha muttered. "I can't even remember what my parents look like. Wait a minute, do I even have parents? Have any of you met my parents?"

"Of course not," Ren said. "Can we focus on what's important, please?"

"My parents aren't important?"

"I don't think any parents are actually important in this world, unless they're bad parents," Nora remarked.

Pyrrha relented with a sigh. "Alright, fine..."

Mercury glared at Emerald. "Are you having fun, Em? Do you enjoy pretending to be me?"

"Maybe just a little," Emerald remarked.

"Good, because this is the last time once Cinder gets to you."

With that, he stormed off, leaving them alone. Emerald shrugged, then turned off her semblance, reverting to her true self in their minds.

"Well, that was fun," she said. "Who's up for stealing something?"

Jaune winced. "This is going to be a problem, isn't it?"

Emerald just grinned.

"Okay," Weiss said. "Which one of you flatfoots stole my tiara?"

Immediately, everyone turned to Emerald. She shrugged. "I don't know why you're all immediately blaming me."

"Because you're the only one of us who steals stuff," Ruby pointed out. "You stole all my bullets yesterday."

"I returned them."

"Only after I confronted you on it."

"I was going to return them anyway. I was just borrowing them."

"You don't even use the same caliber I do."

"I was borrowing them so I could extract the components, then use them in my own personal handloads."

"Is it really still borrowing if you're breaking the item?" Weiss asked.

"Sure, if you return it later," said Emerald.

"But that doesn't make sense."

"It makes perfect sense according to the rules of the street. Speaking of rules of the street, here's another for you – don't start none, won't be none."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're about to start some, and there's about to be some."

"Oh fuck, is this happening?" Yang asked, excitedly rising from her seat. "Please say this is happening, I haven't been in a fight outside of Combat Class for ages and it's killing me!"

"Slow down, tiger," Blake commented, reaching out to grab her by the shoulder and force her back into her seat. Unfortunately, Yang by this point was fully in her 'I'm Yang, let's fight' persona, so she punched Blake in the face, and Blake hissed like a cat and scratched her, and suddenly they were fighting and a whole bunch of people were hooting and hollering and throwing twenties over them as they filmed it.

"Look," Weiss said, doing her best to ignore the craziness happening around her and failing miserably. "The fact is, you're the only one who steals stuff out of all of us."

"That you know of," Emerald said. "This isn't one of mine."

"Then who stole it?"

"Someone else, obviously. Probably Cinder – she's trying to frame me for theft to get me kicked out of Beacon."

"That's stupid," Ruby deadpanned. "She doesn't need to frame you for stealing, because you steal enough on your own as-is. All she has to do is wait for you to get caught and then get thrown out."

"Nobody ever said Cinder was smart," Emerald explained. "Sure, she's good at throwing together schemes and nefarious plans, but actually being smart? Nope, not Cinder. There's a reason why she's still a first-year despite being so much older than all of us."

"For real?" Jaune asked, earning a nod. "What did you ever see in her, anyway?"

"She took me in and off the streets when nobody else would, though now I can see that she only intended to use me, so I've turned my back on her." Emerald looked over at Jaune's tray. "Speaking of using people, are you going to eat that sandwich?"

Jaune's face scrunched up in disgust. "Blegh. It's tuna. You can have it."

"Don't disrespect the tuna!" Blake shouted, though everyone ignored her both because it was Blake and because she was still fighting with Yang for no good reason. Wow, would you look at that – it's like the start of V6 all over again.

Emerald accepted the sandwich, an eager look on her face. "Thanks, Dad."

Immediately, Jaune froze. "I'm sorry, what did you just call me?"

"I called you Jaune."

"No, you called me Dad."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did. I just heard you."

"Why on Remnant would I call you Dad, Jaune? It's not like you caught me pickpocketing you and took me off the streets, then treated me like your surrogate daughter by giving me food and love and headpats."

"Jaune hasn't given you headpats yet?" Pyrrha asked, earning a shake of the head in response. "Wow. Chivalry really is dead."

"She hasn't asked for them yet!" Jaune protested.

"So you'd give me headpats if I asked for them?" Emerald said eagerly.

"Yes!"

"Sick. Headpats, please."

Jaune proceeded to give her headpats, and she sighed, content. "Thanks, Dad."

Jaune's eye twitched. "Is this some reference to something that only you get?"

"Maybe. I don't know. It's hard to keep track of given how long it's been going on. For all I know, I don't even consider myself your daughter anymore."

Jaune sighed tiredly. "Just eat your tuna, Emerald."

"Kinky," Nora commented, earning a middle finger in response.

"We still haven't figured out who stole my tiara, by the way," Weiss commented. "That thing is expensive, you know."

"Oh, so just because it's missing and expensive, it must have been me?" Emerald asked.

"No, but you are the most likely suspect."

"Wow, how very judgmental of you."

"We literally watched you steal a couple of lien out of some guy's wallet," Ren pointed out. "I don't mean to sound like a prick, but you're the kind of person who'd probably literally steal candy from a baby if you had the opportunity."

"I have, actually," Emerald begrudgingly admitted. "But in my defense, it's tough to watch a young mother hand her kid a pack of candy while you're starving and freezing to death. I wish I hadn't done it, but those gummy bears kept me alive for a bit longer."

"Well, this got really dark really fast," Jaune said.

"Still wondering where my tiara went," Weiss interjected.

Emerald rolled her eyes. "Have you tried checking up your ass yet? Then again, maybe it's best that you don't – I imagine it's so tight in there that anything that gets put inside is compressed down to like a third of its normal size."

"Look sharp," Ruby interrupted before Weiss and Emerald could start getting into it. "Here comes trouble."

Sure enough, Cinder was marching over towards them, looking none too pleased. She approached their table, stopping at the end of it with her arms crossed. Emerald gave her a smug look.

"Well, well," Emerald mused. "Look who decided to come crawling back."

"Only because I need you," Cinder begrudgingly admitted.

"Wow, I'm pretty sure that's the nicest thing you've ever said to anyone. Unfortunately, I know that it's meant in an entirely self-serving way, so I'm not about to actually go with you, but points for trying, I guess."

Cinder sighed tiredly. "What will it take to get you to come back?"

"Ooh, now we're getting somewhere," Emerald said. "First of all, I'd like a unicorn."

"I'd like a unicorn too, Emerald, but they don't exist."

"You don't know that. There could always be a Grimm unicorn out there somewhere, just waiting to be discovered."

"Is this another reference to something that only she understands?" Ruby wondered. "Do people actually find this funny?"

"Shh!" Nora hushed. "I'm trying to watch the exes fight!"

"Shouldn't you do something to stop this?" Pyrrha asked Jaune.

"Why?" he replied. "Emerald's having a good time and nobody likes Cinder. I say let them go off unless they're about to come to blows."

"Good to know that you're willing to let me have fun at someone's expense," Emerald chimed in.

Jaune shrugged. "Only because your ex is trying to steal you away from me."

"We aren't exes!" Cinder insisted.

"Then what are you?" Yang wondered. "Because you're certainly acting possessive enough to be her ex. Isn't that right, Blake?"

"Am I supposed to be the ultimate judge of what constitutes a bad ex or something?" Blake asked.

"You dated Adam Taurus."

"You know what? Fair enough. And yeah, on a scale of one-to-ten, ten being the most possessive, I'd put Cinder at… mm… a hard seven, or a soft eight."

"Really?" Ruby asked. "That low?"

"Well, she hasn't threatened to kill anyone or anything like that, so that kind of sets a ceiling on how high the meter can go at the moment," Blake explained. "Now, if she started issuing threats, that'd elevate her a bit. Simple threats of stalking or bodily injury would put her at a hard eight. Credible death threats would make a soft nine. Actually acting on those death threats makes a hard nine, or a soft ten, depending on how heinous they are. Succeeding in carrying out those death threats obviously makes a hard ten, thus maxing out the scale."

"You've put a lot of thought into this," Ren observed.

Blake shrugged. "Dating Adam Taurus tends to do stuff like this to you."

"Emerald," Cinder implored. "You know we need you. You know I need you. And I'm sure you know the consequences of going against the plan."

"Okay, we're now vaguely approaching hard eight territory," Blake summarized.

Emerald crossed her arms. "Go ahead, Cinder. Try me. It's not like I'm surrounded by people who will jump to my defense or anything."

"Oh, I won't be the one doing anything," Cinder said with a sneer. "Or did you forget that there are a number of people higher up on the totem pole than me? Believe me, anything I could do to you is dwarfed by what they can do to you, by orders of magnitude."

"Soft nine..." Blake whispered.

Emerald's smug glance dissipated. "Huh. You know, you're right."

"Of course I'm right!" Cinder declared. "Now then, why don't you-"

"Though, you did just remind me that I can put a stop to all of this easily enough and live a happy life with my boyfriend without issue." Emerald cleared her throat, then cupped her hands around her mouth. "Hey, everyone! Cinder Fall, Mercury Black, and Neo the midget from Haven are all planning to destroy Beacon! They're working with Roman Torchwick and the White Fang in order to kill all of you!"

Cinder scowled fearfully. That was all she got to do before the wall exploded, and Ozpin and Goodwith came striding into the cafeteria.

"Did someone say 'destroy Beacon?'" Ozpin asked aloud. "Because last I checked, this was my school, meaning I'm the only one allowed to do shady things with it and use its students as cannon fodder. And I don't appreciate having my thunder stolen. Miss Goodwitch, if you would please put your magical girl powers to use?"

"You're lucky I have targets other than you right now, old man," Glynda grumbled. A purple aura surrounded all of Cinder's teammates, and they all floated over to Goodwitch, unable to move. "You three are under arrest."

"Curses!" Cinder declared. "Foiled again! And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your stupid dog!"

Blake barked. Nobody thought much of it because enough weird shit had already happened today that this was considered relatively normal by comparison.

Everyone watched as Cinder and her team were led away. After a moment, Emerald sighed contentedly, then turned to Jaune.

"Well, that was fun," she said. "Want to go back to the room and roleplay? I'll pretend to be Weiss. I can use her tiara and everything."

"Aha!" Weiss said. "So you admit you stole it!"

"No, I'm just borrowing it," Emerald argued.

Jaune just sighed as the two of them went at it.

Well, at least it was better than Beacon burning to the ground.

Alright, so, Emerald. Honestly, I've been meaning to do Emerald for a really long time, but I just kept putting it off. Not really sure why; I had the basic idea for a chapter back then, I just never got around to it. I guess other ideas took precedence or something, I dunno. But it's done now, at least.

As for Emerald herself… honestly, I'm kind of ambivalent. I've always thought of her as kind of a shallow character, and that didn't really change until the most recent volume, where she seems to actually be changing sides. Makes sense, I suppose – it was either going to be her or Mercury, so it was always even odds, I guess.

Not much else to say besides that. Hope you liked the chapter. Next up: everyone's (other) favorite sniper.

Next update: Saturday, September 4.