Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 49: May Zedong, or: Jaune, The Professional
"Alright," May announced proudly. "First step to following in my footsteps: learning how best to obtain Dust."
Jaune scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "I mean, isn't it just like buying anything else?" he asked. "I figured that you kind of just approached the counter and asked the nice man for what you want, then gave him money."
"You'd think, but weapons stores are kind of their own unique animal," May said. "Look, the point is: if you really want to be a super-badass hitman like me, you're going to have to learn these things, so get to it."
She gave him a playful shove forwards, causing him to stumble a bit. Jaune hesitated, then let out a sigh and began to approach the shop, which was oh-so-playfully named 'From Dust 'Til Dawn.'
Honestly, part of him kind of regretted that he was now walking the path of hitman-in-training alongside his girlfriend… but come on, how was he supposed to act when he found out the girl he loved killed people for money? He wasn't going to dump her or anything like that, so the only real options left were to either let her kill him or follow in her footsteps, and since he quite liked being alive, the choice was obvious, distasteful as it was.
And not just because it meant him learning to moonlight as a hitman and kill people – sure, that was probably the biggest part of it, but honestly, he also hated having to deal with shopkeepers. Seriously, this was why Schneemazon Prime was now a thing.
Jaune entered the Dust shop, and instantly all eyes were on him, with every employee and patron turning towards him. He swallowed nervously when he noticed all the employees and some of the patrons were open carrying weapons, but he figured it was too late to turn back now, especially since May was out there waiting for him.
Be cool, Jaune, he said to himself. Just act natural and you'll be okay.
Steeling himself, Jaune approached the man at the counter and cleared his throat, then recited the words he'd practiced over the past couple of minutes.
"Hello, Dust seller," Jaune greeted. "I'm going into battle, and I want your strongest Dust."
The man behind the counter looked him over once, then furrowed his brow. "My Dust is too strong for you, traveler."
"Dust seller, I tell you. I'm going into battle, and I want only your strongest Dust," Jaune insisted.
"You can't handle my Dust, it's too strong for you," the man replied.
"Dust seller, listen to me. I want only your strongest Dust."
"My Dust would kill you, traveler. You cannot handle my Dust."
"Dust seller, enough of these games. I'm going into battle, and I need your strongest Dust."
"My strongest Dust would kill you, traveler. You can't handle my strongest Dust. You'd better go to a seller that sells weaker Dust!"
"Dust seller, I'm telling you right now, I'm going into battle, and I need only your strongest Dust."
"You don't know what you ask, traveler. My strongest Dust would kill a Grimm Dragon, let alone a man! You need another seller that sells weaker Dust, because my Dust is too strong!"
"Dust seller, I'm telling you, I need your strongest Dust, I'm going into battle! I'm going to battle and I need your strongest Dust!"
"You can't handle my strongest Dust! No one can! My strongest Dust isn't fit for a beast, let alone a man!"
"Dust seller, what do I have to tell you to get your Dust?! Why won't you trust me with your strongest Dust?! Dust seller, I need it if I want to be successful in the battle!"
"I can't give you my strongest Dust because my strongest Dust is only for the strongest beings and you are of the weakest!"
"Well then that's it, Dust seller! I'll go elsewhere! I'll go elsewhere for my Dust!"
"That's what you'd better do!"
"I'll go elsewhere for my Dust and I'll never come back!"
"Good! You're not welcome here! My Dust is only for the strongest and you clearly are not of the strongest, you're clearly of the weakest!"
"You've had your say, Dust seller, but I'll have mine!" Jaune said, his voice wavering. "You're a rascal! You're a rascal with no respect for Huntsmen! No respect for anything, except your Dust!"
"Why respect Huntsmen, when my Dust can do anything that you can?"
The two men stared at each other for a moment, and then Jaune nodded, conceding his defeat. Wordlessly, he turned and marched out of the store, heading across the street to where May was texting someone on her scroll.
"How'd it go?" she asked, looking up.
"Eh," Jaune said, shrugging. "It probably could have gone worse."
"Did you get the Dust?"
"...It could have gone better, too."
"Not to worry," May said, pocketing her scroll. "I kind of figured this would happen. Luckily for you, I'm well-versed in the ways of ammo and weapons merchants, so I can teach you how to get what you want."
"Alright," Jaune said. "Hit me."
"Okay." May cleared her throat. "Alright, let's say that you're looking for, I don't know, .338 magnum rifle ammo. So, when you go to the gun store, or weapons store, or Dust store, and you want ammo, you do what everyone else does when they go to the gun store: you walk right up to that counter and you say, 'Hey, I need some uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...' And you peer right past the man, and you look back in the case and you see all that .338 magnum… And you think, 'That's exactly what I need for my rifle.' But next to it, you see a box that says '.300 magnum ammo', and you think, 'I know that will fit inside of my chamber.' And you're right – it'll probably fire out of a .338 magnum… but it's not supposed to."
Jaune waited for her to go on, but she didn't, instead just standing there. His grin faded. "What then?"
May shrugged. "Eh, then you just do what any non-idiot does and order ammo in bulk online. Seriously, who the hell actually goes to a physical store to buy ammo these days unless they live in a place that bans fun? It's so much easier to just have that shit shipped straight to your door, I mean come on. I can go online right now and order a thousand rounds of black-tip AP ammo at market value and have them shipped to my dorm room in like a week. Only morons buy ammo in-person these days."
"Then why did you have me go into a physical store and try to buy ammo?"
"To learn why it's a bad idea."
He just stared at her. No, what she said didn't make sense, but then again, not much about May actually did make sense. For instance, her outfit in relation to her body. You'd suspect that given her tomboyish sense of style and baggy, oversized clothes that she'd probably not be very fit under there, but you'd be dead wrong, because the truth was that May Zedong was actually completely fucking ripped. He didn't quite get it, especially because the only explanation she gave him was 'I have to be in good shape for my job, and I don't just mean the Huntsman thing I do on the side.' Still, he wasn't going to complain, especially not when she somehow managed to combine those abs with tits that were actually much, much bigger than her outfit suggested.
"So, what now?" Jaune asked.
"Well, now we can get to the fun part of training," she said.
"What would that be?"
"The practical side of things."
"Whoa, whoa," Jaune said. "Uh, maybe you've forgotten, but I'm kind of sort of not ready to actually start kill-"
"Shh!" May said, hurriedly putting a hand over his mouth to silence him. "Not so loud! You're supposed to keep the nature of the job on the down-low – the High Table will be furious with me if people learned about them!"
Jaune resisted the urge to tell her that she had technically already broken that rule by letting him find out, both because it was probably a horrible idea and because he couldn't exactly talk with her hand clasped tightly over his mouth.
After a few seconds, May sighed, pulling her hand away. "Look, we won't get into the dirty stuff just yet," she offered. "I've got other ideas for practical training, ones that don't involve you getting your hands dirty like that."
"What did you have in mind?" Jaune asked.
May just smirked at him, and somehow he knew, he'd just fucked up.
It turned out that he had, indeed, fucked up. A shame that he hadn't realized truly realized how bad he'd fucked up until May had woken him up at three in the morning on Saturday, then dragged him out to the Emerald Forest, then forced him to strip naked and start running.
So here he was, naked as the day he was born and completely unarmed, sprinting through the Emerald Forest, trying desperately to avoid being spotted by the sniper that was hiding somewhere nearby. She may not have been trying to actually kill him or even hurt him, but according to her, there would still be consequences if he got caught before time was up, and experience told him that he absolutely didn't want to know what those consequences were.
Jaune ducked behind a tree, his chest heaving from exertion as he tried to catch his breath. There was a gust of wind, and his hands immediately drifted between his legs so he could cover himself. In one of the nearby trees, he saw a camera lens turn and focus on him, and he sheepishly raised his free hand to wave at it.
"Uh, hey, Ozpin," he whispered. "Sorry you have to see this and all, but my girlfriend kinda… has some weird ideas about foreplay."
The camera focused its lens, as if to say that it understood, and then thankfully turned away from him. Jaune breathed a sigh of relief, then turned and peeked out from behind his impromptu cover.
A gunshot tore into the tree trunk right in front of him, causing him to yelp and duck back into cover.
"Fuckfuckfuck..." he breathed. "That was too close..."
"What was too close?" May asked.
"Ah!" he jumped slightly, turning around to face her. "May?! But you were just-"
"Yeah, I know," she said. "I figured my scope glint would have given away that I was in the tree, like, ten feet in front of you. Man, you really need to work at this escape and evasion thing, you know?"
"In my defense, it's my first time doing this. Also, I'm naked. You know, I didn't ask, but why is it so important that I be naked for this?"
"That's a good question, Jaune. Well, to tell you the truth, I had this big spiel prepared about how it's important to not only train how you fight, but to train in ways that surpass how you fight, hence why I put you in the very unenviable, very dangerous position of being stuck in Grimm-infested woods with someone actively trying to hunt you down, all while you have nothing to defend yourself with, not even the clothes on your back, with the idea being that you would be able to successfully evade me by using your innate survival instincts… at least, that's what I had prepared, but the honest truth is actually that I just like seeing you naked and I figured this would make good foreplay."
Jaune sighed. "Of course… well, you caught me. What happens now?"
She grinned at him. "Now, we head back to Beacon, and you get to do whatever I want you to do, no matter how kinky and embarrassing it is."
"Sounds like fun," he deadpanned.
"Aw, don't be so bent out of shape! Look at it this way – once you start passing my training, you'll get to turn the tables on me, and I'll just have to sit there and take it. Doesn't that sound fun?"
Admittedly, it kind of did. He couldn't help it – a cute girl dangling the possibility of her doing whatever he wanted for a night was just a bit too tantalizing for him to pass up, given his hormone-addled teenage boy brain.
So, he nodded. "...Fine."
May smiled then took his hand and began to lead him out of the forest. Jaune couldn't help but look back. "Do I get my clothes back first?"
"Nope," May said cheerfully.
He just sighed in response. It was going to be a long walk back to the dorm, that was for sure.
"So, remind me again how you two met?"
Weiss' question didn't exactly come as a surprise, but unfortunately for her, Jaune couldn't help but be annoyed by it, both because multiple people had already asked him about it several times in the past already and because he was still sore from the previous night.
"I literally just walked up to her and asked her out," Jaune deadpanned. "Why is that so hard for people to understand? Seriously, I'm not nearly as hopelessly awkward as you all seem to think I am."
"I mean, can you really blame us?" Ruby asked. "We still remember your first attempts at trying to get Weiss to notice you."
"So do I," Jaune replied. "And I also remember that every single one of them was rightfully a dismal failure, so when I saw May and decided I'd like to get to know her, I chose to do the opposite of whatever I tried to do with Weiss, and it worked. What do you know – apparently, I am capable of learning from my mistakes after all."
Everyone stared at him for a second, then looked over to May. "So, why him?" Yang questioned.
"Why not?" May answered. "Truthfully, he's just my type – honest to a fault, somewhat dorky, inexperienced when it comes to women, somewhat awkward in general… everything I like in a man."
"But why, though?" Weiss asked. "That seems like the opposite of what you should be into."
"Let me guess," May stated. "You, like most girls, are waiting for some perfect Prince Charming with supermodel-tier looks to come in and swoop you off your feet?"
"I never said that."
"No, but come on. You were all thinking it. And I've gotta say, that's the complete wrong choice. You want to know why? Because it's boring. And, if I do say so myself, it's the innocent ones who are so much more fun in the end."
"Why's that?" said Pyrrha.
May grinned. "Because they're infinitely more fun to corrupt."
Somehow, Jaune got the idea that she wasn't just talking about the bedroom. Thankfully, nobody else did, so his secret was safe… if it could even be considered something worth keeping a secret at this point. He somehow doubted that even if he were to sit down and spell out to all of them that he was training to become a hitman, that they'd believe him. Hell, he hardly believed it himself, probably because he was still complete ass at actually doing hitman things, but then again, what was training for?
Anyway, May's statement earned mixed reactions around the table. Weiss, Ruby, and Pyrrha were looking at her with disgust, like they couldn't quite understand what she was getting at. Yang, Blake, and Nora seemed to be pondering her statement. Ren was giving him a look that Jaune could only interpret as the standard 'You-poor-bastard' look that all men inherently know to give their friends when they've found themselves in a less-than-desirable relationship, but Jaune had to disagree because Ren clearly just didn't get it, but that was okay because Jaune was cool with it.
Idly, he wondered if this was what Stockholm Syndrome was like.
What's a Stockholm, anyway? He asked himself.
"So," Blake began, breaking the heavy silence that had settled over the table. "What do you and Jaune do when you aren't hanging out with us, May?"
"Good question," Pyrrha said with a nod. "I mean, aside from the obvious, that is. You know what I mean."
"Oh, you want to know what we do as a couple outside of the bedroom," May said. "Well, we do a lot of couple's activities, if you can call them that. They're not really traditional things that couples do together, but we're not really a traditional couple, so it works out in the end."
"Like what?" Ruby asked.
"I've actually been teaching Jaune about some of the finer points of combat," May said. She gave him a proud look. "He's coming along slowly, but surely. He already knows the basics of gun handling and hand-to-hand, at least."
That was probably being somewhat generous of her. Really, 'the basics' consisted of knowing how to load and operate a gun, as well as how to do a few textbook grapples and hold escapes. It wasn't much, and May could still absolutely beat his ass into the dirt when she wanted to, but even he had to admit that he was getting better with time, and that he was already much better than when he had started out.
"Wait, Jaune with a gun?" Ruby shuddered. "That's gotta be scary..."
"Hey!" Jaune protested. "I can at least hit the target now, thank you very much. And I know how to actually use the gun."
"Using the gun generally implies that you can do more than just spray lead downrange and hope you get lucky," Yang pointed out.
"Says the girl who uses shotguns," Jaune retorted.
"Uh, I'll have you know that you do still have to aim with shotguns. Life isn't a video game, dude – the pellets don't just disappear after like ten feet. That shit's effective out to like fifty yards for buckshot, and roughly double that for slugs."
"Should we ask why you have those numbers memorized?" Blake questioned, raising an eyebrow.
"Let's just say that Dad took great care to impress upon me that life was not like a video game after an incident early on in training that earned him an ass full of buckshot," Yang answered.
"Well, you all won't have to worry about Jaune having a gun," May stated. "Because I'm training him, and given that I'm a sniper, I think it's safe to say that I'm just the person to do it."
"If you say so," Yang replied. "Personally, I just can't bring myself to trust snipers after seeing how much it took Ruby before she actually got good."
"Do we want to know?" Weiss asked as Ruby flushed red.
Yang rubbed the back of her head. "Well… I know sniping isn't easy, but it's still embarrassing, going to a gun range without knowing how to zero your scope."
"Oh. I was expecting something a bit more embarrassing, like accidentally shooting someone in the back or something."
"Nah, that's just me. Ruby's always been careful when it comes to shooting, which is good, because otherwise I'd actually be concerned about giving a ten-year-old access to high-caliber weapons."
"You know, everyone on Remnant is suspiciously accepting of that," Nora pointed out. "Giving children deadly weapons, I mean. Seems kind of irresponsible to me."
"Yeah, irresponsibly fun," said May. "My parents gave me my first rifle when I was eight and I've been hooked on shooting ever since."
"See, that's kind of nuts to me. Like, it's one thing to own a gun and teach your kid to use it, it's quite another to straight-up give them a high-caliber weapon. At least start them with a .22 or something."
"Can I ask something?" Ren questioned. "Why is Nora being the most responsible one here about this? Because this little rant is really something I'd expect from Weiss."
Weiss frowned. "It's something I really wanted to do, Ren."
"Because, as a former dumbass little shitkid, I consider myself an expert on how dumbass little shitkids think and act," Nora insisted. "And I can confidently say that, given how I used to think that cartoons were real until I was like ten, I probably would have been extremely irresponsible with any weapons I was given. So it's a good thing my parents never gave me any deadly weapons."
"I thought you never knew your parents," Blake pointed out.
Nora waved her off. "Eh, details."
"I have to object," Ren said. "My parents gave me a knife to defend myself and I like to think I turned out fine."
"Yeah, but those were extenuating circumstances, so it's understandable. Also, dude, you're my best friend. You are best friends with Nora Valkyrie. That alone probably means you didn't turn out nearly as fine as you think."
Ren hesitated for a moment like he wanted to argue, but eventually conceded with a nod and a sigh. The conversation seemed like it was about to go on, but May's scroll suddenly started beeping, and she rose up, taking Jaune by the hand.
"Well, it's been fun, but we're going to have to jet," she said. "Time for training."
"Is it really?" Jaune asked, surprised.
May gave him a sideways glance, which he could only interpret to mean some combination of 'Yes' and 'Don't ask too many questions right now.' Thankfully, nobody else seemed to think anything was up, instead they all bid him farewell as May led him out of the cafeteria.
"So, what's this about?" Jaue questioned. "Because this doesn't seem like one of the usual time we train."
"Because it isn't," May replied. "That was someone offering me a job, which I'm going to take. And I'm bringing you along for the ride."
"I'm sorry, what?"
May grinned at him. "Hell yeah, dude. Time to get your feet wet."
"B-but I'm not ready-"
"That's fine, because I'll be doing most of the work. Just be cool and it'll be fine."
Somehow, Jaune doubted that.
"So, this dude is a real scumbag," May reported as the two of them walked down the street. "Real scumbag. Not only is he an SDC executive, but he's also a huge dope fiend on the side who likes peddling his shit to kids. Seriously, how much of a scumbag can one person be? What next, is it gonna turn out that he's some kind of child molester on the side, too? Give me a fucking break."
She was trying to lighten the mood with a bit of levity, but it wasn't helping – Jaune was still very nervous, for obvious reasons. Sure, he had killed plenty of Grimm before, but there was a huge difference between killing a Grimm and killing a person, no matter how awful that person was.
They reached the target's apartment building, Jaune's heart hammering in his chest the whole time. He must have been sweating bullets too, because as they stepped into the elevator, May looked over to him and frowned, then brought a hand up to brush some sweat off his face.
"Relax," she said.
"Easy for you to say..." Jaune breathed.
"Hell, you think I wasn't nervous during my first couple of kills?" She shook her head. "And don't worry – this is just a training exercise."
The weight in his front pocket proved her wrong, of course. Jaune swallowed nervously as the elevator came to a stop and the two of them stepped out, May taking the lead as they moved over to his apartment building. May motioned for Jaune to stack up next to the door while she stood in front of it, loosening her top and pulling it down a bit to expose the tops of her breasts. She took a breath, then rang the doorbell.
"Yes?" came a void on the other side.
May bit her lip. "Y-yes… I'm here about my brother? He owes you money… um… he can't pay, so I'm here to… p-pay off his debt in other ways..."
Jaune had to admit, she was good at acting – really good, if the door suddenly flying open was any indication. Of course, as good as she was at acting, she was even better at fighting – as soon as that door came open and the man inside stepped out to greet her, May had produced a suppressed pistol and stuck it in the man's face. He threw his hands up in surrender, and May shoved him inside his apartment. Jaune hesitantly followed after them, closing the door behind him. Once they were inside, he joined May, who was holding the man at gunpoint.
"Okay, so what happens now?" Jaune asked.
"What do you think happens now?" May asked back.
"...You shoot him?"
"Precisely. Pop quiz, hotshot – where is the best place to shoot for instant incapacitation?"
Jaune scratched his head, confused. "Uh… the head?"
"That's one option," May replied. "Of course, that has its own share of problems in that a perfect headshot is hard to hit unless you're very skilled at it, but perhaps more importantly, there is still enough brain activity for the body to accidentally jerk the trigger on a gun they're holding as they fall."
"Okay, so where do you shoot?"
"I'll show you." May turned back to the man. "Could you turn around, please?"
Shakily, the man complied, turning around with his hands still raised. May motioned to his neck with her pistol.
"There," she said.
Jaune squinted. "His neck?"
"Yes, specifically the part where the base of the skull meets the spine – that's the brain stem. Sever that and he'll be like a puppet with its strings cut. You won't even get an involuntary finger movement after that."
"Uh, okay," Jaune said. "So, what now? You gonna shoot him?"
"Nope," May said. She turned and offered him the gun. "You are."
Jaune just stared at them offered gun for a second, then looked back to her. "Uh, I'm sorry?"
"You're shooting this dirtbag, not me," May said. "Now get on with it."
"Is this wise? Because I'm kind of a shit shot."
"And you always will be unless you get better, so do it."
"...I don't wanna."
"Dude, quit being a pussy and just blast this fool already."
"I'm starting to think this whole hitman thing isn't for me, May."
"Well, you're in too deep now, man. Should've thought of that before you offered to start working alongside me. Now just do it already."
Jaune stared at her for a moment, then acquiesced with a sigh. He accepted the pistol, turning it over in his hand a bit, then aimed it at the man in front of him. His hand shaking, Jaune pulled the trigger. Even with the suppressor, there was an ear-splitting crack that made him jump. Breathing heavily, Jaune checked to make sure that he had successfully killed the man, only to find that he was still alive. Sure, his pants were now ruined, but the SDC executive and part-time drug pusher was still alive.
"How could you miss?!" May exclaimed.
"...He must have dodged my bullet," Jaune said.
"Bullshit. You totally jumped from the noise of the gunshot."
"It was loud, okay?"
"There's a suppressor on it."
"Bullshit, that's not a suppressor! That was loud as hell, there was nothing suppressed about it!"
May looked at him, confused. "Were you expecting it to sound like a move?"
"Yes!" Jaune exclaimed. "I was expecting, I don't know, like a fwip noise or something, not a crack."
"You watch too much TV."
"Explain video games, then."
"They're like TV but even less realistic," May deadpanned.
"Are you sure the suppressor isn't just broken?" Jaune asked, looking the gun over.
"Yes, I'm sure," May said.
"How can you be certain, though?"
"Because, unlike you, I've fired suppressed weapons before and know what they actually sound like."
"So you knew that it wouldn't actually be silent?"
"Yes."
"Then why keep using it if it's not actually silent? Seems like it'd just make it harder to carry."
"It does, but silencing the shot isn't the purpose of the suppressor. The purpose of the suppressor is to make it so that shooting the gun doesn't give you permanent hearing damage after a few shots with no hearing protection, like an unsuppressed weapon would. Also, if you're doing blatantly illegal shit with guns within city limits like we are, then it makes a gunshot sound less like a gunshot, meaning people are more likely to dismiss the loud bangs they just heard as a car backfiring or something."
Jaune gave her a skeptical look. "Somehow, I doubt that."
"Dude, I've done this a bunch of times before. Trust me, nobody is going to come knocking thanks to the suppressor."
As if on cue, there was a knock at the man's front door. Jaune and May exchanged glances, with Jaune giving her a smug look, and May just rolled her eyes.
"Watch him," she said, motioning to the SDC executive who had currently started to pray under his breath.
Jaune wasn't sure what god drug dealers and corrupt businessmen prayed to, but something told him that whichever one it was, they weren't about to intercede on this guy's behalf.
He watched over his shoulder as May opened the front door a crack. "Yes?" she asked.
On the other side of the door, there was an older married couple – a man and a woman who looked like a fox Faunus, if the fluffy tail waving behind her was any indication.
They both looked concerned. "Who are you?" the man asked. "You're not Tony."
"I'm an acquaintance of Tony's," May lied. "Can I help you with something?"
"Oh, not much," the woman said. "We just heard a loud bang and wanted to make sure that everything was okay."
"Everything's fine here, the situation's normal," May said. "How are you?"
The man and woman exchanged a glance. "Uh, fine, I guess," the man said. "We just wanted to make sure-"
"Oh, just say it, Peter," the fox Faunus said, rolling her eyes. "Miss, are you and your boyfriend actually hitmen who were sent to kill our neighbor?"
"Of course not," May hurriedly said. "Unless you support that kind of thing."
"Girl, I'm a fox Faunus. Do I look like I care if that SDC asshole lives or dies?"
"In that case, yeah, we're totally here to ice him."
"Sick. We'll leave you to it, then." The fox Faunus noticed Jaune staring at her, and gave him a friendly smile and a wave. "Hello, dear! I hope you and your girlfriend are having a lovely time on your little murder-date. Don't mind us – we'll get out of your hair now."
With that, Jaune watched in confusion as the man and his wife left, gently closing the door behind them. May walked back over to him, breathing a sigh of relief, and he had to raise an eyebrow.
"What?" May asked.
"Does that happen often?" Jaune questioned.
"I told you this guy was a scumbag. People generally don't care if scumbags get what's coming to them."
Jaune wasn't sure how to properly react to that, so instead he just shrugged and turned back towards the man. "What do we do with him?"
"Just shoot him," May urged.
Jaune grimaced. "...Now?"
"Yes, now. The day's not getting any longer and he's not getting any more dead. Were you expecting me to tell you to wait until tomorrow or something?"
"I was kinda hoping for some instruction, I dunno."
"Here's all the instruction you need," May said. "The first shot goes low – that's the incapacitating shot. It's supposed to take him out of the fight. The second shot goes higher up on the chest – aim for the heart and lungs."
"Why?" Jaune asked.
"Why what?"
"That seems counter-intuitive," he explained. "I mean, I get the basic idea of the first shot being an incapacitating shot, but that seems like it'd only really matter if we were in a fight with him, and he's not fighting us, he's just sitting there crying and pissing his pants. Seems to me like if I shot him just to shoot him, that he'd end up screaming and the neighbors would hear."
"Didn't we just establish that the neighbors don't care about this guy because he's a scumbag?" May pointed out.
"...Alright, point conceded."
"So get on with it, then."
"I don't know if I should."
May just stared at him, exasperated. "Dude, are you just trying to stall for time so I'll get fed up and shoot this guy for you?"
"N-no..." Jaune stammered out.
"You totally are, aren't you?"
He sighed tiredly. "...Alright, yeah."
"Jaune!" she chastised.
"What? Can you really blame me? I'm not, like, a natural-born killer or anything. It takes me a bit of time to develop a stomach for this sort of thing. Hell, I still get a bit sick to my stomach whenever I see someone eating really rare beef. I'm a lover, not a fighter."
"Well, unless you can love this asshole to death, you'd better start learning how to be a fighter," May said. "Because I'm not pulling that trigger for you."
"Then it'd seem we're at an impasse," Jaune said. He turned towards the SDC executive. "What's your opinion on this?"
"W-what're they paying you?" the man asked. "Whatever it is, I'll double it! No, triple it!"
"Tempting offer, but you've already been marked for death," May explained. "Even if we took the money and ran, some other hitman would track you down in our stead. You're dead no matter what happens."
"Oh, I know that. Hell, after I spent the last few minutes crying and peeing over it, I've sort of made my peace with it. No, what I really want is for you to take this conversation somewhere else. Killing me is one thing, but wasting my time while you do it? Now that's just plain heinous."
May turned back to Jaune with a smug look on her face. "Hear that, bleeding heart? Even the mark thinks you're being a tool about this."
"Yeah, well, the mark doesn't know what it's like to kill someone," Jaune retorted.
"Dude, I deal drugs to kids," the executive said. "I'll admit that I can't know for certain, but at least a few of them had to have overdosed and died by now. So I'm pretty sure I'm familiar with what it's like to have killed someone."
"Whoa, this got dark fast," May said. "No wonder people wanted you dead so bad."
The man shrugged. "Eh. Live by the sword, die by the sword. I got to live like a king until now, so no complaints. Well, one complaint – I wish I got the chance to change my pants before I die. Say, if it's not too much trouble-"
"No, we're not letting you go into the other room so you can change into someone a bit more comfortable and a bit less urine-soaked," May deadpanned.
"Damn. Well, at least I tried." He looked back to Jaune. "You gonna do this or what? I don't have all day, you know."
"You're awfully quick to go straight to hell," May observed.
"They're expecting me anyway, so I might as well expedite the process, right?"
"If you insist, bro."
"Don't treat me like I'm a weirdo for this. Sympathy for the devil, and all that."
"I think we're past the point of sympathy for the devil, dude. This is a lot closer to straight-up sucking the devil off in a truck stop bathroom off of Interstate 95."
"Can you two stop talking about dumb shit?" Jaune begged. "I'm liable to turn this gun on myself rather than keep listening to you two go at it."
"All the more reason for you to finish this," May urged. "Just think, Jaune – the sooner you pull the trigger and waste this guy, the sooner-"
That was too good of an offer for Jaune to pass up, and he pulled the trigger. There was another loud bang, but this time he was more prepared for it. The executive let out a puff of air as he clutched at his chest and fell over, his lifeless body hitting the ground like a puppet with its strings cut.
May stared at the corpse for a second, then let out a low whistle. "Well, I'll be. Didn't think you'd actually do it, but you're just full of surprises, Jaune." She didn't receive a response, and turned around to look for him. "Jaune?"
She found him standing there, his gun-free hand clamped over his mouth. His cheeks were puffed out and his face was green, and he was visibly struggling to hold his bile in. Ma y scowled at him.
"Don't you dare," she warned. "You leave your DNA at the scene, and we're both boned."
Reluctantly, Jaune swallowed, clutching at his stomach with a groan. May walked over and took the gun from him, then grabbed him by the hand and pulled him out of the apartment.
"Where are we going?" he managed to get out.
"Where else?" she replied. "To get paid, of course. Time to cash it in."
He didn't have much of a response to that, so instead he decided to just go with it. Hopefully the money would soothe his consciousness a bit, though he somehow doubted it.
"Also, I figured we'd celebrate your first kill with incredibly kinky marathon sex," May added.
That, on the other hand, was right up his alley.
The night had certainly been a good one, but it didn't take long for regret to sink in. It wasn't quite post-nut clarity so much as it was the crushing guilt of having ended another person's life, but still, that was pretty bad on its own. Even worse, it must have shown on his face, because the others around him seemed to be concerned.
"Jaune?" Pyrrha asked.
"Ah!" Jaune couldn't help but shout, jumping up a bit. "Oh! Sorry, Pyrrha – zoned out a bit, I guess."
"Is everything alright?" she questioned. "Because you've been pretty out of it since yesterday."
"There's nothing going on that we should be aware of, right?" Yang added. "You can tell us if May is beating you, Jaune."
"May isn't beating me," he said.
"See, this is where things get complicated, because that's exactly what she'd make you say if she was beating you. How can we be sure she isn't privately treating you like her own personal punching bag?"
"Hey, maybe he's into it," Blake said. "Don't worry, Jaune – we won't kink shame you here. Isn't that right, Ruby?"
Ruby didn't respond at first, since she was too focused on playing a game on her scroll to notice, but eventually became wary of the fact that all eyes were on her and looked up in bewilderment. "Uh, yeah, Blake – we don't do that here, because that's racist, and being racist is wrong."
Blake glared at her. "You have no idea what we were talking about, do you?"
"Not really, no," Ruby admitted. "I just heard you complaining about something and immediately assumed it had something to do with racism."
"You guys are jerks," Blake said, crossing her arms. "There's more to my character than just having the race card, you know. I'm a lot deeper than that."
"Whatever you say," Yang deadpanned. She turned back to Jaune. "Look, all I'm trying to say is that if she's smacking you around, you don't have to be afraid to tell us."
"Right here, by the way," May interjected. "And no, I'm not smacking him around."
"That's exactly what you'd say if-"
"If you finish that sentence the way I expect you're going to, I'm going come into your room while you're asleep and cut your hair into a reverse mohawk."
Yang immediately quieted down, like a puppy that had just been scolded by its master. Jaune appreciated the peace and silence for all of three seconds before Nora inflicted herself upon the rest of them in her nasally Nora voice.
"So, what's the problem, then?" Nora asked.
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Jaune warned.
"Try us," Ren said. "It can't be that bad."
"Okay, fine. Let's say, hypothetically speaking, that I was trying to become a hitman working for an underground assassination group. Let's assume that I'm still learning how to do that, that I'm going in with no training, and that the only reason I'm even bothering to try is because someone I love is already involved with the group and I happened to find out about their involvement, and the only choices they had were to either kill me or bring me on board to maintain secrecy. Now, let's say, hypothetically of course, that I just happened to make my first kill last night, and I'm very torn up about it because I ended a human life for the first time… hypothetically. Allegedly. I don't really know what word to use there." He shrugged. "So, what can you do for me, Nora?"
"I don't know, man," Nora said. "That sounds like a pretty far-fetched story. Definitely the kind of thing I'd pay money to see on the big screen. Have you thought about becoming a screenwriter in case this whole Huntsman thing doesn't work out? I mean, not that it won't work out, but it helps to have options. Plenty of us have side gigs, after all."
"Wait, we do?" Ren asked. "Why haven't I heard about this?"
"Because you're a boy, and a lot of those side options fall under girl talk," Blake explained. "But if you must know some of them: I write trashy romance on the side, Weiss has her singing career, Nora recently released her own brand of maple syrup, Pyrrha is still famous, Yang competes in motocross tournaments, and Ruby sells pictures of her feet to strangers online for fifty lien a pop."
"A hundred if they want them with painted nails," Ruby chimed in. Jaune and Ren tuned to look at her in surprise, and she shrugged. "What? Don't tell me you both wouldn't do the same thing if you were able to. I'm clearing like a thousand lien a day just by taking pictures of my feet. Easiest money I've made in my life."
"Doesn't it make you uncomfortable, though?" Ren asked. "I mean, you've gotta know what those guys are doing with the pictures."
"I'd be a lot more uncomfortable if they weren't just feet. As it is now, if some guy wants to shell out half his paycheck for a collection of pictures of my toes, well, why not oblige him?"
"Is this what feminism has turned into?" Ren wondered. "A world where women can be anything they want, yet so many of them still pick some version of prostitute. Stuff like this keeps me up at night, I tell you what."
"Ren's impending mental breakdown aside, can any of you help me out with this totally hypothetical situation I absolutely just made up?" Jaune asked.
"I don't know, man," Ruby said. "I'm not really sure what to make of it. It's kind of an oddly specific scenario."
"Well, it's absolutely just a hypothetical," Jaune quickly added. "Because why would it not be hypothetical? Do I look like a killer to you? Come on, we all know I'm not capable of that."
"I object," May said with a smirk. "I can tell just by looking at you that you've got ice in your veins, Jaune. You're a stone-cold killer, is what you are."
"Takes one to know one…" Jaune muttered under his breath.
"You know, you've been harping on this so hard that I can't help but think it's not just a hypothetical," Blake pointed out. "Jaune, be honest: did you kill someone last night?"
"...N-no..." he stammered out.
"Aha!" Weiss exclaimed. "He stuttered saying that! That means he's lying!"
"Does it, though?" Pyrrha asked. "It's Jaune. He tends to be a stuttering mess, you know."
May sighed. "Welp, the jig is up, Jaune. Might as well fess up to it."
"Are you sure?" he said, surprised.
She shrugged. "Why not? Not like it matters." She looked back to everyone else. "Anyway, yeah, we totally killed someone last night."
"Oh," Weiss said. "Well, did he at least deserve it?"
"Big time. He was an SDC executive-"
"Say no more. I'm calling it justified."
"J-just like that?" Jaune said, surprised.
"Dude, have you seen how my father runs the SDC?" Weiss asked. "I'm pretty sure that promotions in the company are directly contingent on how many babies you can eat. It's the most outrageously evil company in the history of the world. I'm ashamed to think that I used to actually be proud of what it's become."
"Huh," Nora said. "That's weird. I wasn't expecting character development here."
"Probably best not to question it," Ren added. "Lest it stop working."
"Too late. I can feel the interesting aspects of my character flowing out of me. I think it's one of those things where it stops working if you look at it or something. I don't know." She scratched her head. "Anyway, let's make out."
And so they did. Nobody else paid Nora and Ren any attention as they sucked face, instead focusing on Jaune.
"So, what, you and your girlfriend are hitmen or something?" Yang asked.
"Pretty much," May answered.
"Okay, why?"
"Well, there's always demand to be met. Need someone destroyed? I'm gainfully employed. No mark is too sordid, no victim too close."
"So you're only in it for the money?" Ruby questioned.
May shrugged. "Eh. The money's nice… but honestly, it's the shock on their face as I send them screaming to hell. But only if they're scumbags – I don't take contracts on innocent people."
"How can you be sure, though?" Weiss wondered.
"I do my research on my marks, unlike some people," May said. "Point is, I'm careful about who I go after, both because I have a conscience and because the cops will take notice if too many innocent people start turning up dead."
"Huh," Blake said. "Didn't expect the whole hitman-with-a-heart thing to actually be real."
"They call me the widowmaker," May said with a grin.
"You're all taking this surprisingly well," Jaune pointed out.
"I mean, if you think about it, we're all varying degrees of hired killers, too," Weiss said. "Since we'll be fighting people in addition to Grimm, and we'll almost certainly have to kill at some point in our careers."
"That's certainly one way of looking at it," Jaune said, uncertain. "Not sure I completely agree with it, but-"
May's scroll suddenly started to ring, and she opened it, her eyes lighting up. "Ooh, we got another contract, Jaune!"
"Really?" he asked. "Who's it for?"
"Someone put a hit on Adam Taurus."
"Kill him," Blake said, a bit too fast. "Send him straight to hell. I literally no longer have any doubts about what you're doing, and am willing to look past literally all of it so long as Adam fucking dies."
Everyone else exchanged a glance, and then Yang shrugged. "Well, if Blake's okay with it..."
A murmur of agreement went through them, and May grinned.
"With pleasure," May said, standing up. "Come on, Jaune. Let's go bag us a bull. And by the way, don't fuck it up this time – you're on the bottom tonight if he gets away or you botch it."
Jaune just sighed as she grabbed his arm and started pulling him away.
In retrospect, this entire situation was so stupid that it could have only ended this way.
I was honestly surprised at how many of you have asked me to do a chapter on May. I mean, I probably shouldn't be considering I've gotten requests for basically every female character under the sun, including some that aren't even part of the RWBY universe, but for some reason it throws me for a loop whenever some nothing character like May has such a dedicated fanbase.
Anyway, I didn't really know where to take May at all, but thankfully my friend UnlawfulGentleman spitballed a few ideas with me, and ended up throwing out the prospect of May being a hitman on the side. From there, it was a small leap to having her take Jaune on as her apprentice, similar to Leon: The Professional with the roles reversed. I think it turned out well - it was certainly as unique of a prompt as I could probably get out of someone like May.
Also, points to anyone who can spot the Black Dahlia Murder reference without Googling it. I saw my chance to throw out a few bars from one of my favorite albums and I took it - I'm not sorry.
Before I go, a note about the next chapter - if you're unfamiliar with my other work, you might want to skip it, because it's entirely a reference to the version of Ruby from that fic. I originally wasn't going to do a chapter on it because I felt like it would be too self-indulgent, not to mention that the fic is amateurish at best and outright bad at worst, but I eventually figured that I've procrastinated giving myself a taste of my own medicine long enough, plus a few of you wanted to see it happen, so I decided fuck it, let's give the people what they want and also use it as an excuse to put myself in the sights for once. But yeah, if you're not familiar with my other fic, you might not get it, so don't feel bad about skipping it if you want.
For everyone else, well, I hope you have a good time with it. Hopefully I end up liking it better than I do the fic it's based off of, haha.
Next update: Saturday, September 18.