Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 50: Wild Card – Red Canis
(Alternate Title: Shitting Where I Eat, Specifically Because Some of You Wanted Me to Do This)
Sometimes, it paid to just sit back and enjoy the finer things in life without asking too many questions about how they happened. Jaune had always been one to do exactly that. He just couldn't help it – his life had been, frankly, kind of a mess, so he had learned not to think too hard about the good things when they came to him.
"Okay, when and how the hell did this happen?" Coco asked.
Unfortunately, some people weren't nearly as courteous.
"Honestly, I've got no idea," Jaune admitted. "I just woke up one day and Red was clinging to me like a security blanket for some reason, and we decided to just go with it."
Ah yes, Red – the cute little wolf Faunus who had somehow carved out a place in all of their hearts after the first few weeks at Beacon, but none more so than him. In retrospect, it was probably inevitable – Red didn't seem to realize it, but she was the perfect combination of everything designed to tug at the heart strings. She was obviously cute, with those little wolf ears and the shoulder-length black hair and the unnaturally green eyes, but she was also very clearly troubled, but that special kind of troubled where it just makes you want to protect her even more. He couldn't really explain it, but something about her just made him want to hold her and pat her head and tell her that everything was going to be alright, and judging from everyone else's reaction to her, they were all in the same boat.
"Someone's a little jealous," Nora deadpanned.
Instantly, Coco went bright red. "J-jealous? Me? Of Jaune?! W-what makes you say that?"
"So you're telling me that you don't have a crush on Red?"
"Of course not! She's just a good friend, that's all."
"Weird. I could have sworn that this angle was being pushed from the moment you two first met."
"Are you trying to make a statement, Nora?" Weiss asked.
Nora shrugged. "Just that some people are indecisive when it comes to their pairings and they probably shouldn't hint at something they have no intention of letting happen."
"But what if they didn't mean to hint at it but it just sort of came out that way?" Ren asked.
"Doesn't matter. They're still a hack fraud who sucks at writing and who should be ridiculed for that."
"Look, can we focus on what's important right now?" Blake requested.
"What would that be?" Yang asked.
"What do you think?" Blake motioned towards Red, who was currently asleep with her head resting against Jaune's shoulder. "This is like the first time I've seen her get some real sleep since the semester started. We should probably keep it down and let her rest."
"Oh, for sure," Yang said. She paused, then looked closer at Red, squinting a bit. "Huh, that's weird."
"What is it?" Jaune asked.
"Oh, nothing. It's just that, now that I don't have her unnaturally green eyes staring through me like a veteran with PTSD, she kind of looks a lot like my long-lost sister."
"You mean the sister you lost ten years ago in Atlas?" Nora asked.
"Yeah, the sister who disappeared when my mom died after I had to go to Atlas for medical treatment for a weird disease that's never come up again because the author sucks at his job."
"Wow, how convenient – something popped up just to get you to go to Atlas, for the express purpose of separating you and her. Talk about forced. Then again, I suppose that's par for the course with whoever's in charge of writing this bullshit."
"Hack fraud confirmed?" Ren asked.
Nora nodded. "Oh, yes."
Weiss looked skeptical, then leaned in and stared at Red. "You know, now that I think about it, she also looks a lot like the White Fang girl who assaulted me a few years back, brutally murdered my bodyguards in cold blood, and left me with mental scars so severe that I still have night terrors about it nearly every night."
"Wow, could this get any more forced?" Nora deadpanned. She let out a heavy sigh. "Dude, seriously. I get that this is your first serious fic and all, but come the fuck on. This is the best you've got?"
Fuck you, Nora. We all make mistakes.
"Yeah, and it just so happens that yours are going to be preserved for all eternity. The internet never forgets, bitch."
Would it make you feel any better if I mentioned that I'm playing with the idea of eventually going back, revisiting this fic after the first rendition has been finished, and generally making it not-shitty at some point in the future, if I can find the time for it?
"It would if you could actually commit to it. Given your history of updating this thing, I'm not holding my breath."
"Who are you talking to?" Velvet asked.
Nora jumped, then looked at Velvet in surprise. "Velvet…? Wait, you're alive?"
"Uh, yeah?" Velvet asked.
"When does this shitty spin-off take place? Has the dance happened yet?"
"No, that's not for another couple of weeks," Coco explained.
"Oh." Nora rubbed the back of her head nervously.
"Is there something you want to share with the rest of us?" Yatsuhashi asked.
"Uh, I don't think I can outright say it due to spoilers that might cause the universe to unravel or something, but… well… some of you guys are alright, don't go to Vale when the Grimm arrive."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Fox wondered.
"I wouldn't worry about it," Weiss stated. "It's Nora. She probably had too much sugar for breakfast again."
"Of course I did," Nora said, holding up a syringe filled with syrup. "I've been mainlining this stuff since I woke up. Jumpstart my heart, baby."
"Is it really that intense?" Weiss wondered. "It's just syrup."
"You kidding? This stuff is next-level once it's flowing through your veins. I call this shit Summer Rose, because after one hit of this, you're fucking gone, dude."
"Guys, seriously, keep it down," Jaune implored as Red stirred in her sleep and muttered something under her breath. "You almost woke her up."
Immediately, Red's eyes flew open, wide with panic. "Almost…?" she breathed. "Did someone say Almost?"
They all exchanged a glance. "Uh, you just did?" Yang ventured. "Twice, in fact."
"No, I think she wanted to know if anyone else said 'almost,'" Coco explained.
"Almost?!" Red shouted, in a panic.
"Guys, stop fucking saying 'Almost!'" Blake implored. "You're triggering her!"
"Why would she get triggered by 'Almost?'" Weiss wondered. "That's such a weird trigger phrase."
"Wait, is this an actual trigger or like the Rumblr kind of trigger?" Velvet asked. "Because both of those have some pretty heavy implications."
"Like what?" Ren questioned.
"Well, if she's genuinely triggered by something as simple as a word, then she's probably not fit to be a Huntress," Velvet explained. "I mean, not to be crude or callous or anything, but come on. If that's the case, we're probably talking genuine psychological damage, for which she needs professional help rather than whatever Beacon can give her."
"What kind of psychological help does Beacon offer, anyway?" Weiss wondered.
"It's just Ozpin with a fake mustache asking you about your mother," Coco explained. "Then he prescribes you some aspirin and tells you to call him in the morning if you feel any pain."
"Wow, glad to see that our tuition is paying for A-tier health care," Ren deadpanned. "That seems ludicrously irresponsible of him."
Coco shrugged. "Hey, I guess it's part of the Huntress experience, learning to deal with your problems on your own and/or with the power of friendship."
"How's that working for you?" Yang couldn't help but ask.
"Well, I'm still terrified of confined spaces, but at least now I know that I don't want to fuck my mom. I mean, I'm pretty sure I knew that beforehand and all, but at least now I'm sure of it."
"Anyway, that assumes this is a genuine reaction and not a Rumblr reaction," Fox said.
"Seems pretty genuine to me," Jaune deadpanned as he held tight to Red, who was flailing in his grasp with wild, wide eyes.
"Or she's just really good at acting," Nora replied. "You never know, it could turn out that Red is actually someone that quite a few people at this table have some kind of connection to, and she knows it, so she's just been purposely hiding under their noses this whole time."
"That'd be a really stupid plot twist," Blake said with disdain. "Not even my books get that cheesy and forced."
"That's because your books are written by people with talent, and this fic is being written by a hack fraud." Nora looked up at the sky. "And don't give me that old 'I'm still learning' excuse, buddy. You can do better than this and you know it."
Hey, I'm just trying to make a parody here, since some of the readers wanted to see it.
"Well, you're doing a pretty shitty job of it. This parody has nothing in common with the original fic, except that it sucks."
"Who are you talking to?" Yatsuhashi asked.
Nora shrugged. "Don't worry about it."
"Look, if you guys are quite finished, can we focus on what's important?" Jaune asked.
"Like what?"
"How about the fact that Red got away?"
They all looked at Jaune's arms, and upon seeing the trail of rose petals leading out of the cafeteria, turned and found the double doors swinging wildly, a sign that Red had sped out of there using her semblance. Jaune sighed, then rose to his feet.
"If you all don't mind, I'm gonna go find her and calm her down," he stated. "Don't help or anything."
"Can we at least get an explanation on how this started?" Coco asked. "Because I still don't get it."
"You can just admit that you want to shoot your shot," Ren stated.
"In her defense, the author is being pretty wishy-washy about that because he's an idiot, so don't worry about it," Nora said.
Jaune coughed, interrupting them. "I'm just… gonna go now. See you all in a bit, I guess."
They all bid him farewell as he took off, searching for his girlfriend.
Now, Jaune had only been dating Red for a few weeks, but he liked to think he had her somewhat figured out. She didn't seem that complex – hell, she'd be the first to tell anyone who asked that she wasn't special or worthy of praise in any way. She was a creature of habit more than anything, and when something had her upset, there were only a few places she liked to go and let off some steam.
And as Jaune entered the training arena and had to duck to avoid a piece of eviscerated combat robot, he knew he'd found the right place.
Predictably, Red was in the center of the ring, dismantling the robots with ease. She wasn't even using her weapons, just her bare hands. Even worse, from what Jaune could tell, the robots had been set to their max difficulty, and they were still barely putting up a fight. It would have made him a lot more self-conscious if he didn't already know that Red was, bar none, not only one of the most talented fighters in their year, but one of the most talented fighters in the whole school.
The last of the robots hit the ground in pieces, and Red stood there for a moment with her back to him, panting heavily. After a few seconds, she let out a long exhale, then sank to the ground, hanging her head. Jaune frowned, then walked over and sat down next to her, putting a hand around her and pulling her close. She tensed, but thankfully didn't try to pull away.
"...Sorry I left like that," she muttered, her voice as soft as it always was.
"You've got nothing to apologize for," Jaune admonished gently.
"I just… you have to know by now that there's… a lot I'm not telling you. About me, I mean."
"I know, and I don't care. You're free to keep your secrets for as long as you feel like you have to, Red."
"But… shouldn't I tell you?" she asked, raising her head to look at him. "That seems like what a good girlfriend would do, I mean..."
"Do you want to tell me?" Jaune asked.
She hesitated, then shook her head. "...Not right now."
"Then don't worry about it." He gave her a soft smile, then leaned in and kissed her softly on the cheek. She flushed red, her wolf ears perking up in excitement.
Jaune pulled away, but it didn't last for long. Red hesitated for a second, seeming to mull something over in her mind. Then, for the first time, she leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the lips. Jaune was surprised – sure, they had kissed before, but she had always requested that he make the first move, never the other war around. It was a small thing, but to him, it meant the world that she was willing to come out of her shell a bit more for him.
Red broke the kiss, her face suddenly matching her namesake. Jaune gave her a wide smile, then reached out and took her by the hand. She intertwined her fingers with his, then leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder, a content sigh escaping her.
It was the little things that made him love her so much, Jaune realized.
"So, I've gotta ask," Coco said at breakfast the next day. "You two bangin' yet?"
Jaune choked on his Pumpkin Pete's, the cereal getting stuck in his throat. Nora was there, thankfully -she whacked him on the back, causing him to spew breakfast cereal all over the table. Weiss gave him a look that was somehow equal parts disgusted and understanding, though he supposed that was just par for the course when it came to dealing with Coco most of the time.
"C-Coco!" he protested. "You can't just… ask that!"
"Why not?" she questioned. "You two are dating, aren't you?"
"Well, yeah, but still!"
"Then what's the problem?"
"Yeah, what's the problem?" Yang echoed. "Do you not want to have sex with Red?"
"That's… that's a loaded question," Jaune said, his voice faltering.
"How do you figure?"
"Because either way, it's bad news for me. Either I say that I do want to have sex with Red because she's my girlfriend, which means I open myself up to mockery at best and you all being very overprotective friends at worst, or I say that I don't want to have sex with Red, which means that I don't find her attractive enough to want to sleep with her."
"Or," Blake interrupted. "Or, you're misinterpreting a genuine question for dumb reasons."
"It's Yang," Jaune deadpanned.
Yang shrugged, grinning. "Eh, what can I say except that it's a talent? But in all seriousness, I would not care if you and Red start doing the dirty together. I mean, it's not like she's my sister or anything. Because then we might have a problem. Good thing she's not, though."
Red squirmed in her seat, suddenly uncomfortable for some reason.
"I have to agree with Jaune," Weiss interjected. "This is not appropriate breakfast conversation."
Coco rolled her eyes. "No need to be a prude, you know. Sex is a natural part of life. Ideally, we'll all be having it regularly at some point."
"Well, sure, but that's no reason to just bring it up. Especially if Red's uncomfortable with it."
"Actually..." Red muttered, taking everyone by surprise.
Coco blinked, then a wide grin crossed her face. "Oh-ho, this will be fun."
She got up from her seat, then sidled over to where Red was sitting, sliding in next to her and slipping a hand around her shoulder, pulling her close. Red blushed, which only encouraged Coco to keep going.
"What do you want to know, sister?" Coco asked. "I don't have to give you The Talk, do I?"
"N-no..."
"Oh, good – you know the mechanics. No offense, but you're socially maladjusted enough that I had to ask to be sure. Couldn't have you trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, and such. Unless one of you is into that sort of thing." Her eyes lit up. "Ooh, we get to talk kinks now!"
"Can we not?" Velvet requested. "Something tells me that she's pretty uncomfortable as-is."
"Aww, but where's the fun in that?" Coco protested. "Besides, she can tell me if she's uncomfortable."
"What's a kink?" Red asked.
Behind her sunglasses, Coco blinked. "...Okay, we have some work to do," she said, slowly. "Jaune, how have you managed to get this far without explaining the basics to her yet?"
"What?" he asked. "Since when is kinky stuff 'the basics?' I thought we were still stuck on getting pegs into holes."
"Pegs and holes can be pretty kinky, if you know what I mean. Ask me, Red seems like just the type to be into that sort of thing."
"I don't like where this is going."
"Prepare your anus, Jaune."
"Change the subject, please," Pyrrha insisted. "You're corrupting the poor girl."
"Good," Coco said. "She's gone fifteen years without figuring out what she likes. I say this is the perfect time to help her figure it out and also be a wingman to Jaune."
"If this is your idea of being a wingman, you're doing a pretty shitty job of it," Jaune deadpanned.
Coco waved him off, then turned back to Red. "So, hon – you're thinking of doing the nasty with your boy. Good for you."
"Thanks, I guess?" Red said, confused. "I'm still not quite sure I follow, though. I get how the basics work, but why are you all talking about some of the fancy stuff, or whatever?"
"Because the fancy stuff is where it's at, girl!" Coco insisted.
Red still looked confused, causing Blake to shake her head and sigh. "Coco, give it a rest. She's clearly lost. Just let her figure it out on her own."
Coco looked like she wanted to argue, but relented. "...Alright, fine. But if she ever wants to spice things up a bit, she knows exactly who to talk to. And don't none of you be taking that the wrong way, now."
"Believe me, nobody is about to take it the wrong way," Yang said. "Have you seen those two dorks together? They were made for each other, and nobody is coming between them if they know what's good for themselves."
"Can we talk about something else?" Nora suddenly asked.
"Like what?" said Jaune.
"Like the fact that the plot in this chapter is progressing at a snail's pace. Seriously, dude, we're like halfway through and nothing's fucking happened yet. I get that this is a fic about nothing and all, but come on. Somebody make something happen, already!"
"What do you want to happen, specifically?" Ren wondered.
"I don't know, but somebody do something before I start assaulting people with a spork."
"...Okay," Red said with a sigh. "If… if you're all intent on pushing me and Jaune together, um… I think I should come clean about something."
"Wait, for real?" Jaune asked. "Do you really want to do this now. Red?"
"Yes."
"Because you don't have to if you don't want to, especially not if it's just to move the plot along or whatever else Nora said, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. We can get Nora a stun gun and watch her entertain herself with that, probably by supercharging herself with it and causing mischief for Goodwitch. There are other ways if you aren't comfortable with this."
Red shook her head. "No… no, I've been holding this in long enough, and I'm tired of it."
Jaune relented, nodding his head. "If you're sure."
Red took a breath, then looked down. "I have a confession to make."
"We know," Coco said.
Red looked at her in surprise. "You do?"
"That you're actually a boy? Yes."
Everyone exchanged a glance with each other. "Uh, what are you fucking talking about?" Yatsuhashi asked.
"Dude, come on," Coco protested. "Think about it."
"I am, and this is making no sense."
"Red is a boy because if Red was a girl then I'd be attracted to her."
"I thought you were and you were just holding back for Jaune's sake?" Weiss questioned.
Nora shook her head. "The author never confirmed or denied it. It's up in the air."
"Author?" Yang echoed. "What are you fucking talking about?"
"Don't ask me, I'm high on sugar right now." Nora held up a bag of powdered sugar that was about a quarter of the way full. "I've been huffing this stuff under the table for like the last ten minutes. You all may not believe me, but I can see into forever right now. That's how I know what's going to happen next."
"Okay, what's going to happen next?" Blake wondered.
"Red is going to admit that she's actually Yang's long-lost sister who's been living under your noses this entire time, which she did because she's also a former member of the White Fang, who she worked for as an assassin and child soldier for the last ten years, which culminated in her assaulting Weiss a few years back which left her heavily traumatized but which also prompted Red to wake up and realize that she was wrong about everything, so she left and went to Beacon to hide out away from the world so she could get away from her evil mentors who would undoubtedly try to chase after her and kill her in retaliation for betraying the White Fang." Nora paused and looked over to Red. "How am I doing?"
Red fidgeted uncomfortably. "...That's… basically everything, I guess."
"Wow," Coco announced. "Way to steal her thunder, Nora."
They all nodded in agreement, and Red looked around, confused. "Y-you're all not mad…?" she said, amazed.
Yang shrugged. "Not really. To be honest, I kind of suspected that you were Ruby this entire time. I mean, your disguise was kinda sorta paper-thin the whole time, and the only reason I didn't see through it in the first place was because you acted so differently from the Ruby I used to know, which is kind of a poor and dumb excuse now that I think about it."
"Hey, nobody ever accused the author of being smart or good at what he does," Nora explained.
"Are you going to call him a hack fraud again?" Ren asked.
"Naturally."
"Why are you playing into her delusions, Ren?" Fox questioned.
Ren shrugged. "Why not? It's Nora. Not like she's going to spontaneously start making sense if you wish for it hard enough. Might as well play along with her and have fun with it."
"What do we call her now?" Weiss wondered. "Do we keep calling her Red, or Ruby?"
"W-Weiss?" Red stammered. "You're not mad?"
"Eh, not really," Weiss said, shrugging. "I mean, yeah you tried to kill me and traumatized the hell out of me, but honestly? We've been living together for like months at this point. If you wanted me dead, I'd be dead by now. Plus, I've gotten to know you well enough to know that you're not actually a bad person, and also that you're – no offense – majorly, majorly fucked in the head, so it's not like you got out of the White Fang unscathed."
Red stared at her, dumbfounded. "What are you people talking about?" she asked aloud. "I'm sorry, this just… makes no sense. You're all just going to accept me like it's nothing, even after all I did?"
"Yeah," Blake said.
"But why?"
"Do you not deserve redemption?"
"...What?"
"It's a simple question," Blake urged. "Do you think you deserve to be redeemed?"
"Not this easily!"
"Okay. Then how would you like us to redeem you, if not like this?"
Red froze, uncertain of how to respond. She looked over to Jaune, completely lost, and he just shrugged.
"I mean, I have some ideas, if you're open to them," he said.
"O-okay..." Red said, clearly anticipating what he was going to do to her. Presumably, she expected that it would be especially heinous.
Clearly, she didn't know him as well as she thought she did.
Rather than raise a hand against her or something of the sort, Jaune just threw a hand around her shoulder and pulled her close, then planted a kiss on her forehead. Red was stunned, and looked up at him with wide eyes. Again, he shrugged.
"What, were you expecting me to beat you or something?" he asked.
"Yes!" she said.
"Well, don't. I'm not that kind of guy – Mama always said not to hit a woman."
"Does that apply even if she hits you first?" Yang asked. "Not that anyone here is going to actually do that, I just want to know if there's a limit to that rule because I hear it all the time."
"I mean, I'm sure if she was trying to kill me-"
"No, stop!" Red demanded. "You all do not get to do this! You don't just… get to take me back and act like it's normal! What's wrong with all of you?!"
"Why not?" Jaune questioned.
"Because it doesn't make sense! I did all those bad things!"
"We forgive you," Weiss said.
"It's not that easy!"
"Sure it is. I'll even say it again. We forgive you."
"B-but-"
"No buts, young lady," Yang chastised. "Now you stop being an edgelord right this instant, or else I'm gonna be mad."
"How mad are we talking?" Blake asked.
"I'll put her in a headlock and give her a noogie, but I'll be very careful not to touch her wolf ears because I know those are sensitive and don't want to actually hurt her."
"Y-you..." Red sniffled. "S-shtop… it's too much… I-I mean… I just-"
Jaune sighed, throwing an arm around her. "Girl, give it up. We're taking you back and that's final. Now stop acting like you're a bad person – we genuinely do not care about your past. Now, you are going to sit there and be loved by everyone and you are going to like it. Got it?"
Red sniffled again, but nodded and settled into his touch, rubbing the tears from her eyes as she cried. Across the table, Coco kicked her legs up and folded her hands behind her head, a satisfied grin crossing her face.
"Well, that was cathartic," she announced. "Glad I could help."
"Oh, come on," Velvet protested. "How did you help?"
"Uh, do you not remember how this conversation progressed? If it weren't for me trying to push Red into being kinky, we would never have gotten to this point in the conversation."
"Wow, that's… actually correct," Ren admitted, confused. "How the hell did this even work? Like, logically I know you're right, but for the life of me, I can't recognize how the conversation actually progressed this way. Did we all inhale some of Nora's powdered sugar or something?"
"Probably," Nora said, raising her head up from under the table. Her entire face was covered in white powdered sugar. "I mean, I've kind of been unintentionally throwing it everywhere. I doubt that's the real reason this little chat of ours has been so horrendously difficult to follow, though."
"Let me guess," Weiss said, rolling her eyes. "The author is being a hack fraud again?"
"Your words, not mine. I'm gonna go get high again."
"Okay, you have fun on your sugar rush, Nora. Try not to go into diabetic shock or anything – I'd hate for the paramedics to waste perfectly good insulin on something as dumb as this."
Nora saluted, then went back to huffing sugar under the table. Jaune sighed, wondering how things were going to get crazier than this.
Then Yang tapped him on the shoulder.
"Yes, Yang?" he asked, turning to face her.
"Just so you know," she said, "I know I mentioned earlier that I'd be pissed if I found out someone was dating my little sister, but that was before I found out it was someone from this group, and you guys would be like the only exception to that rule."
"So you're saying I'm free to keep dating her?" Jaune asked, hopeful.
"Yeah, so long as you make sure she cums first."
"Yang!" Red protested.
"Hey, I'm just trying to make sure you end up with a generous lover," Yang said innocently. "Believe me, there's nothing worse than a selfish lover."
"Are you speaking from experience?" Blake asked.
"As a matter of fact-"
"Oh, here we go," Weiss said, rolling her eyes.
"Don't tell me she's gone off like this before," Yatsuhashi said, incredulous.
"Only when she gets drunk," Weiss explained. "Of course, the only question is which story it's going to be, the one with the twins or the one with the ice cream girl."
"The twins, of course," Yang answered, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "Ice cream girl was selfish as shit, don't get me wrong, but she also completely rocked my world by the end. Ten outta ten, would absolutely do again. The twins, meanwhile… it was awful. You guys ever tried hooking up with hot twins at the same time?"
"You know we haven't," Fox deadpanned. "You don't need to humblebrag about it."
"Look, all I'm saying is that threesomes are really overrated."
"I can imagine," Velvet said. "But what does that have to do with Jaune and Red?"
"With who?"
They all groaned. Jaune shook his head. "Look, I don't get why you're all so focused on this," he said, crossing his arms. "I mean, yeah, if Red wants me to sleep with her then I will, but only if she wants me to. I don't think our relationship has gotten to that point just yet, and the last thing I want is to pressure her into doing something she isn't ready for."
"You might want to think again," Blake said.
"What?"
"Just take a look."
Jaune cast a glance down at Red, only to find her staring at him with a really intense set of bedroom eyes and biting her lower lip, a heavy blush on her face.
"You know, Jaune," she said, her voice sultry. "I really appreciate you accepting me even with all my flaws, and making me feel loved. I think it's time I show you just how much I appreciate it. That is, if you're feeling ready for me."
Coco suddenly jumped up. "Oh my God, okay, it's happening! Everybody stay calm, everybody stay calm! Stay fucking calm!"
"We are calm!" Jaune said. "Why are you yelling?!"
Coco paused. "...I don't know. I guess I just never thought you two dorks would actually get physical." She rubbed the back of her head, embarrassed. "...So, uh, you guys need condoms or lube?"
"Why would you have condoms?" Weiss wondered. "Aren't you a lesbian?"
"That doesn't mean I can't use condoms."
"Yeah, but what would you use them for?"
"Practical jokes, mainly. You ever see that video of people driving down the highway, and one of them sticks a condom out the window, and then the condom inflates to hilariously gargantuan proportions and starts flapping in the breeze? It's for stuff like that."
"Can we focus, please?" Jaune begged.
"What's the hurry?" Velvet asked.
"Red's trying to stick her hand down my pants and the only thing saving me is that I'm wearing multiple belts."
"I know, it's so unfashionable," Coco said with a shudder.
"But effective," Ren pointed out. "If not for his multiple belts, Jaune likely would be receiving a handjob right now, and would probably end up cumming on Blake's legs."
"Why my legs?" Blake asked.
"Those are the second-best part of you."
"Not what I meant. Also, what's my best part, then?"
"Oh, come now," Nora rolled her eyes. "Girl, you've got a huge ass, and half this campus has their heads all the way up it. You just don't notice it."
Blake flushed red. Jaune sighed, then stood up.
"Well, since you guys are no help, I'm just… gonna go and have sex with Red now." He paused. "Man, that feels weird to say..."
"See?" Coco asked. "Even he didn't think they'd make it this far."
"Is that really a surprise?" Yang questioned. "This is the most disgustingly chaste relationship I've ever seen. Hell, until this point, both of them could be actively dating and probably still be able to go through the seminary no problem." She crossed her arms. "Anyway, both of you do me a favor and accept Coco's offer, would you? Cute as they'd be, I don't think any of us want any blonde-haired wolf pups running around just yet, if you catch my drift."
"Man, they'd be cute..." Weiss said with a sigh.
"Uh, sure," Jaune said. He took Red's hand. "Come on, Red. Time to go and… well, have sex, I guess."
With that, the two of them took off, leaving their friends behind to talk about more inane bullshit while they got their fuck on.
Of course, they had barely made it out of the cafeteria when Red jumped him, managing to wrestle him out of his hoodie and shirt with her superior close-combat skills. Even the bunny on his hoodie, funny as it was, didn't give her pause – there was only one thing on her mind, and that was what was in his pants.
They came crashing through the dorm room door, locked in a heavy embrace and kissing passionately. Jaune's belts were already undone, and Red had already stripped off most of her gear, leaving her in just the cotton undershirt and jeans that Coco had bought for her a while back. They slammed the door behind them, and Jaune broke the kiss, gasping for air.
"Okay..." he managed to rasp out. "Pause… time out… need a breather."
Red waited patiently, though the look in her eyes gave away what she was thinking. If she'd had a little bit less self-control, she'd have certainly jumped him by now. If she was the starving wolf, then he was the juicy steak. Something told him that he wasn't going to get much of a break once they got started, so he made the most out of the few seconds of air he'd managed to get, taking a few deep breaths before standing up straight.
And then immediately, he had to put his hands up to intercept something that Red tossed him. Jaune stared at it, flushing as red as his girlfriend's namesake when he saw that it was an entire roll of condoms.
"Are those the right size?" Red questioned.
"Uh-"
"I'm asking because I got all kinds." She reached into her pockets and withdrew a veritable pile of condoms.
"How long did you prepare for this?"
She shrugged. "I've been carrying condoms ever since I started dating you. I didn't think we'd ever progress to the point where I needed to actually use them, but I wasn't sure, so I started stockpiling them just in case."
Jaune was about to comment that this was rather forward-thinking of her, but then he remembered that this was the same girl who carried around at least three weapons on her, now five if he counted her hand-to-hand skills and whatever her sniper rifle turned into, and was trained in how to use all of them. If the Arc family motto was 'Live Long and Multiply,' then the Canis family motto was 'Be Prepared.'
He shook his head. "I think these are the right size."
"Good," Red said. She leaned down and unlaced her boots, then stepped out of them and kicked them aside. "Then let's get right to it."
Jaune swallowed nervously as she approached, some extra sway in her step. It wasn't that he was scared of Red – on the contrary, he knew she would never hurt him no matter what – but the fact that this was his first time was anxiety-inducing enough. Still, he supposed that he was at least doing it with the right girl – not only did he love Red, but she was probably the least likely person in the world to know what she was doing here, even if her current actions showed that she was very much capable of being seductive if she wanted to be.
Coco must have given her some pointers beforehand, he realized. ...And The Talk, for that matter. Somehow, I doubt her old mentors taught her that.
He probably wasn't that far-off from the truth, given that her old mentors barely taught her anything that wasn't how to kill people.
That entire backstory is so abusive and sad that it's almost hilarious. If it weren't for the fact that she's my girlfriend, I might actually be able to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. Seriously, who's the idiot who comes up with this stuff?
Red reached him, then took him by the chin and pulled him into a very passionate kiss. Jaune couldn't help but be caught off-guard – apparently, when Red wanted to be passionate, she absolutely could be. They broke the kiss after a bit, leaving him panting for breath, and she motioned to his lower body.
"Pants off."
He obliged, pulling his jeans away, followed by his underwear. Red finished stripping, leaving her standing there clad in just her underwear. She still looked a little nervous, despite her seductive behavior, but it was nothing compared to him. She went in for another kiss, one hand reaching down below his waistline, and…
...And then the wall exploded, causing him to let out a yelp and fall over, and Red to reach under her pillow and pull out a handgun, her eyes wide with surprise. The smoke cleared, and standing there were two people that Jaune had never seen before in his life – a dark-skinned tiger Faunus, and a big, muscular man wearing a mask on his face and carrying a giant chainsword.
Red's hand started to shake, and she swallowed nervously. "No… no!" she said. "This isn't happening!"
"Calm down," the tiger Faunus said.
"Shut up, Sienna! Don't take another step, or-"
"Or what, Rose?" the man asked, his very voice causing her to tremble with fear. "Do you intend to start shooting?"
Red swallowed nervously again. "D-don't make me-"
"Please. I know you don't have what it takes anymore – you're too weak… especially when we didn't come here to fight."
Red's grip around her gun faltered. "What…? Then why are you-"
"Oh, come now, Ruby," the tiger Faunus – Sienna – said, rolling her eyes. "Don't act like you don't know what's going on."
"I really don't," she admitted. "The last time I saw you two, I had sworn to kill you both, even if you took me with you in the end. Plus, I'm kind of a traitor to the White Fang, and last I checked, traitors were all supposed to be hunted down and killed."
"They are," Sienna admitted.
"Then why are you here?"
"Well…" She brought a hand up to rub the back of her head sheepishly. "...I mean, yes, we intend to eventually hunt you down and try to kill you, but in the meantime before our final showdown, you're kind of like our surrogate daughter, so-"
"Shut up," she deadpanned. "Do not tell me that you're actually going there. Seriously, you and Almost, of all people?"
Almost huffed in annoyance. "Forgive us for feeling some obligation to you."
"It'd be the first time." Red pointed down at her stomach, where a White Fang insignia had been burned into her skin with a heated knife. "Unless you forgot?"
"All parents have to discipline their children from time to time."
"They don't do it by branding them!"
"Unless you're a Schnee," Sienna said.
"No, not even the Schnees do that!"
"Well, Weiss' dad did leave her with a pretty nasty scar over her eye," Jaune pointed out.
"Don't encourage them!" Red rebuked him, causing him to raise his hands in surrender. She looked back to her former mentors, frowning. "Alright, let me just get this straight – you two have somehow managed to track me down, finding me at the exact time to completely block me from getting laid, and all because… you want to act like my parents, whatever that means."
Sienna nodded. "Pretty much, yeah."
"That's ridiculous," Red deadpanned. "This entire situation is ridiculous. And I don't mean just you two, I mean everything that's happened since I started dating Jaune. It's like the entire world collectively lost all its brain cells the moment I first went out with him. Literally the only two people I can think of who haven't completely lost their minds are him and myself, everyone else is just… wacky, I guess. Including both of you."
"Are we not entitled to shenanigans of our own?" Sienna asked, putting a hand on her hip. "We're not all business all the time, you know. We like to cut loose, too. And I don't just mean this specific situation. Bet you didn't know that I like to do karaoke from time to time, and that Almost is very good at woodworking."
"Okay, stop," Red said, raising her hand. "Just… stop. I'm supposed to hate both of you to the point of murderous rage, and hearing about your stupid hobbies is making that a lot harder."
"Stupid hobbies or not, we're here for one reason and one reason only," Almost said ominously. "To do our duty as surrogate parents and make sure you're being safe."
"Oh, so now you care if I'm being safe?" Red mocked. "You didn't seem to care when you were sending me out to kill innocent people, even when I routinely came back to Menagerie barely clinging to life."
"This is different," Sienna insisted.
"How is this different?"
"Because this is actually important."
Red just stared at her, then after a few seconds, let out a sigh. "...Alright. Okay. Fine. So, what do you intend to do to make sure I'm being safe?"
"Do you have condoms?" Almost questioned.
"You have no idea how wrong that sounds coming from you." Red shuddered. "But if you must know, yes, I have plenty of condoms."
"How many?" Sienna asked, curious. "I hope you're not planning to do the standard virgin thing and jump headfirst into multiple rounds one after another."
"What's wrong with that?" asked Red, putting a hand on her hip.
"Well… you're both virgins, for one."
"How do you know I'm a virgin?" Jaune asked.
"Because if you weren't a virgin, it would mean that you're probably taking advantage of her in some way, and I will not sit idly by and let my sort-of Rose daughter be taken advantage of by some creep," Almost growled.
"...You know, that's a good point." Jaune conceded. "Alright, you got me – I'm a total virgin. Like, really a total virgin. I'm such a virgin that I was born through a cesarean section, which is a fancy way of saying that I didn't even touch pussy on my way out. I have literally never felt the touch of a woman in a sexual manner, so you don't need to worry about me corrupting your sweet, innocent Red."
"Wait, Red?" Sienna asked, surprised. "Ruby, you changed your name?"
"Oh, now you noticed," Red said, rolling her eyes. "I wonder how long it'll take you to notice that I'm wearing green contacts and dyed my hair black, too."
"Hey, you're wearing green contacts and dyed your hair black, too! What's with the new look?"
Red facepalmed. "Gee, I wonder," she said. "It certainly couldn't be because I ran off to Beacon and not only didn't want to be pursued by you and Almost, but that I also didn't want to risk anyone recognizing me. Nah, that couldn't possibly be it. I obviously disguised myself because I just like the look of it, and no other reasons."
Sienna frowned. "You know, your sarcasm hurts."
"Good! Maybe I want it to hurt, after all you did to me! Did you ever think of that?"
"...Okay, wow, I didn't realize you were that bothered by it."
"Seriously, lady?" Jaune deadpanned. "You didn't think she was that bothered by the fact that you coerced her away from her family and trained her to kill people, then abused the absolute hell out of her when she failed you?"
Sienna hesitated. "...Well, when you put it that way, it kind of makes me sound like an asshole."
"How else would you put it, then?"
"I mean, you could afford to be more gentle with it, you know? Like, sure, I guess technically speaking I did a bad thing, but it was for a good cause."
Jaune just gave her a blank stare, and Sienna rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on. You're a human, so you wouldn't understand."
"I'm honestly surprised that you're not trying to kill him for being a human," Red said to Almost.
"Why would I do that?" Almost asked.
Red stared at him, unsure of what to say. "...Because you're Almost? You hate humans."
"Yes, but you like him."
"If anything, that should give you even more reason to try and kill him."
"Can you stop trying to convince the masked, muscled-up psycho with the giant chainsword to try and kill me?" Jaune requested. "Because I quite like being alive."
"I know, and that's not what I'm trying to do," Red insisted. "I'm just… trying to make sense of this whole thing."
"Why?"
"Because I'm partially convinced that this is just a terrible nightmare I'm stuck in, since otherwise I have to accept that this is not only actually happening, but that it's exactly as stupid as it seems."
Jaune stared at her for a moment, then reached over and pinched her on the shoulder. Red glared at him. "What was that for?"
"You're clearly not dreaming, unfortunately," he said. "Sorry to say, but apparently this is all very real, and very, very stupid."
Sienna bristled. "There's nothing stupid about us wanting to make sure our Rose daughter is safe and happy before we try to violently kill her and everyone she loves!" she insisted.
"You just contradicted yourself harder than I've ever seen anyone contradict themselves before," Red deadpanned. "Also, stop calling me your Rose daughter. Not only are you two both horrifically awful parental figures, but it's also making me picture you as my biological parents, and that's nasty." She shuddered. "Plus, I kind of still have my dad out there."
"Have you met him yet?" Almost asked.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Have you met him yet? Since you came to Beacon, I mean."
"Well, no, but-"
"Then technically that makes us better parents than him."
Red's jaw dropped. "What are you talking about?! Don't compare yourselves to my actual dad! You two are horrible people compared to him!"
"But we're also here, and he isn't," Sienna pointed out.
"'When you coming home, dad?' 'I don't know when,'" Almost sang. "'But we'll get together then.'"
Ruby did her best to ignore him. "He's not here because he doesn't know I'm here, and you two are only here because you hunted me down against my will!"
"Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that we're both here right now, giving you guidance, and he's off being a deadbeat somewhere."
"Do you think we'd be able to collect child support from him?" Almost wondered. "Since we kind of did his job for him over the last ten years."
"Good question. We should probably file a claim when we're done here."
Red grit her teeth angrily. "Look, forget my real dad! I just want to know why you're not attacking Jaune in a blind rage right now!"
Sienna stared at her like she had grown a second head. "Why on Remnant would we do that?"
"Because he's a human and I'm a Faunus, and we're both about to have sex with each other!"
"So?"
"So, I thought that you two, being Faunus supremacists who despise humanity, would hate him to the point of trying to cut his balls off!"
"Please stop giving them ideas..." Jaune moaned, covering his groin out of fear.
Again, Sienna just stared at her before shaking her head. "Seriously, Ruby, I don't know how you come up with this stuff. Just because someone is only half-Faunus, that doesn't make them any less Faunus than us."
"Why?" Red demanded. "That seems like exactly the kind of purity spiral garbage you two would be glad to institute and enforce!"
"A half-Faunus is still a Faunus," Almost insisted. "And if you can't see that, well, apparently we didn't do a very good job of raising you."
"You clearly didn't, but not for the reasons you think," Red said, motioning to the scar on her stomach.
Sienna gave her a sympathetic look. "Poor girl. She's internalized the racism against her own species to the point where she hates half-Faunus."
"I am a half-Faunus," Red deadpanned.
"That's even worse – she's one of those self-hating half-Faunus. Next thing you know, she'll be friends with a Schnee."
"I am friends with a Schnee."
Sienna gasped, her hands covering her mouth in horror. "Dear Gods… where did we go so wrong that we raised our daughter to be racist against her own kind?"
Red rolled her eyes. "Look, are you two going to actually do something? Because if you're not, then you can just go, since I really want to have sex with my boyfriend now."
"We aren't leaving until we're absolutely sure that you're going to be safe about this, young lady," Almost said sternly.
"Wait a second," Sienna interrupted. "Ruby, I didn't think you knew what sex actually was. Has Beacon truly corrupted you that much?"
"I'm fifteen!" Red protested. "Of course I know what sex is! Why do you think I'm trying to have it so badly right now?"
"But… how?" Sienna pondered. "I mean, I certainly never gave you The Talk, and to my knowledge, neither did Almost."
"I most certainly did not give her The Talk," Almost hissed. "That's girl talk, and we established early on that you would handle all girl talk."
"How is The Talk girl talk?" Sienna asked. "Last I checked, that's supposed to be something that crosses gender lines. It shouldn't matter who tells her so long as someone does."
"But it just makes sense for a woman to talk to her about that stuff," Almost argued.
Sienna raised an eyebrow. "...Almost, are you actually a virgin?"
He let out an amused snort. "Of course not! I'm far too manly for that."
"You could be overcompensating for your lack of poon."
"What are you trying to say, Sienna?"
"Only that I've never once seen you with a woman, and I've known you for quite some time now."
Almost hesitated. "...It's a dry spell."
"Must be a hell of a dry spell, then," Sienna said. "How long has it lasted, your whole life?"
Almost harrumphed, then turned away. "...Leave me alone. Anyway, this is about her, not me."
"I mean, at least we know now that you definitely didn't give her The Talk, since you're a literal forty-year-old virgin."
"Is it really so bad that I respect women?" Almost asked.
"You have no idea how wrong that sounds, coming from you," Red interjected. "Seriously, you're fine with utterly mutilating them in increasingly horrific ways, but not with trying to take them to bed?"
"I am a professional, and professionals have standards," Almost argued.
"Do those standards include being a perma-virgin?" Jaune asked.
Almost glared at him. "Shut up, boy – I'll make it worse."
Jaune wisely decided to drop that line of questioning, lest he piss off the giant, musclebound assassin wielding a giant chainsaw.
"Anyway," Sienna continued. "I really want to know, Ruby – how did you learn about sex if neither of us told you about it?"
"You know, I wonder that, too," Jaune added. "Didn't you say earlier that they told you what it was?"
Red hesitated, biting her lip. "...Alright, I might have been lying," she conceded. "But only because lying was a lot less embarrassing than admitting that the only reason I figured out what it was, was because I tracked one of the guys I killed back to his house, and when I broke in to try and kill him, he was jerking off. Naturally, I had a few questions after that, which the DustNet was happy to solve for me."
"Sheesh, imagine being that guy," Sienna said. "You're just trying to spank it, then some little assassin girl breaks in and decapitates you."
"Oh, that's what crosses the line for you?" Red asked, putting a hand on her hip.
"I mean, the least you could have done is let him finish first, so he could have died happy. It's just common courtesy, Ruby."
"I wasn't aware that we had a last-wank policy," Almost said thoughtfully.
"I mean, if we're going to be ordering people to die, I figure the least we should do is let them go out with a smile," Sienna argued.
"Hm. I'll keep that in mind."
"You people are idiots," Red said in amazement. "I just… why am I just realizing that now? How the hell did I ever get suckered into following you two morons in the first place? Seriously, I fucked my whole life up for you two?"
"Whoa, whoa!" Sienna said. "Language, young lady!"
"Oh, shut up. Why am I even listening to you, anyway? I just remembered that I hate both of you to the point where I'm going to try to kill you some time in the near future."
"But that's no reason why we can't be civil until then," said Almost.
Red just stared at him. "Okay, where was this Almost when I was growing up? All I got was the abusive, turbo-psychotic one. I could have used goofy Almost a few times – it probably would have made me infinitely less weird and socially awkward than I am now."
"I wouldn't count on that," Jaune pointed out. "I mean, I've known these two for all of like five minutes and I'm already convinced they're clowns. Is this really something you wanted to emulate?"
"Good point." Red turned back to her former mentors. "Anyway, I think I'm done talking, so you two can just go away now. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bang my boyfriend. And that's that."
"Okay," Sienna said. "We'll just be here watching."
Instantly, Red froze. "Uh, no," she said. "No, that is not happening. Not in a million years."
"But how else are we supposed to make sure he's treating you right?" Sienna questioned.
"How about taking my word for it?" Red paused. "Actually, why do I care what you two think? You're not my parents."
"Don't take that tone of voice with us, young lady," Almost snarled.
"Or what? Are you going to ground me?"
"Yes. You are grounded. No sex for a week."
"And how do you intend to enforce that?"
Almost stared at her for a moment, then sprinted over to her. Red let out a yelp as he picked her up and slung her over his shoulder.
"H-hey!" Red shouted, futilely kicking her feet in his grasp. "Let go of me!"
"Nope," he said. "You are being grounded, which means we're taking you back to Menagerie for a week until you're done being grounded, and then we're bringing you back."
"Have you lost your damn mind?!"
"Language, Ruby!" Sienna chastised. "Now it's two weeks."
"Jaune, do something!" Red cried.
"What do you suggest?" Jaune asked, genuinely curious. "Because I'm currently naked and unarmed, and even if I wasn't, I don't think I'd stand much of a chance against the psycho with a chainsaw."
"That's the smartest thing you've said all day," Sienna complimented. "And don't be mad at him for that, Ruby – he's doing the smart thing and not getting himself killed."
"I hate you both so much!" Red shouted, continuing to kick her legs.
"Hate us all you want, you're still grounded," Almost said. He turned to Jaune. "We'll bring her back completely unharmed in two weeks, I promise."
"Uh, okay," Jaune said.
With that, Almost and Sienna took off, a very furious and confused wolf Faunus still slung over Almost's shoulder, kicking and screaming the whole way. Jaune watched them go, then let out a heavy sigh.
"Man, can't things just be normal around here for once?" he lamented.
Well, here it is. I originally wasn't going to do it, but a few of you convinced me otherwise. I hope you're proud of yourselves for this. If nothing else, I'm glad I did it – it was a unique opportunity to give myself a taste of my own medicine, plus it made for a good way to celebrate hitting 50 chapters. Hard to believe it's been 50 chapters so far. I don't know how much longer I'll keep this thing going; I've still got some gas in the tank, so it's not going anywhere any time soon, but honestly, I have other stories I want to start writing in place of this one. I imagine that I'll likely end this high-effort shitpost sometime late next year, but at this point it's probably too early to tell, so I guess we'll see.
Anyway, yeah, here's the chapter. Honestly, for being completely self-indulgent and probably unnecessary, this was surprisingly cathartic. The Seventh Circle is my first story and all, which means I have to appreciate it since it got me started writing, but it also got me started writing, and believe me, it shows. The damn thing's a mess, but it's my mess, and more importantly, it's my mess that I'd like to finish, because I said I'd finish it and I like to think I'm a man of my word. So, despite the fact that I'm openly cringing at my own awful work and making fun of it here, it will still be finished, because I want to keep my promise to my readers no matter how much it makes me cringe.
Before I go: I'd like to apologize in advance to Pyrrha and any of Pyrrha's fans for the contents of the next chapter, because I'll be doing her the dirtiest I've ever done her in that chapter. And no, it's not her own dedicated chapter – that's coming later. It is someone who looks very similar to Pyrrha, though… Anyway, I'm sorry for all the hell I'm about to put Pyrrha through, because she's a good girl who doesn't deserve any of this, but damn it, it's just too easy.
Next chapter: hopefully Saturday, October 2. I say 'hopefully' because I'm moving on that day, and I have no idea how much time I'll have to work with. Don't be surprised if the chapter gets posted either really early or really late, or even if it gets posted a day early or a day late. I'll have to see what my schedule will permit when October 2 rolls around.