AN: Love all of your reviews, thank you for sticking with this story! I wrote chapter 62 today! so there is plenty more to come.
Chapter Thirty Six - Headspace
'Elizabeth, Come on in, It's been while' Dr Sherman smiled as she greeted Elizabeth with familiarity. She gestured for Elizabeth to take a seat opposite her on the couch whilst she repositioned herself in her chair. A warm smile flashed across the room from both women as they took a moment to connect with their surroundings.
'Yes, I am sorry it's been a while things have been… difficult' she pondered her choice of words as she gave Dr Sherman subtle information. Dr Sherman nodded firmly and began to open her book, turning the page to Elizabeth's notes once again.
'According to my records, the last time I saw you was weeks ago, back when I asked you to trial a little word association game out with Henry, see if that helped improve your communication' She recalled. Elizabeth chewed the insides of her cheeks nervously as she replayed the events of that very night within her head.
'That didn't quite work out how I think you intended. So much has happened since then that day almost seems insignificant' she sighed.
'I would be lying if I said I hadn't seen some snippets of information over the news' Dr Sherman grimaced, she never liked to read any information about Elizabeth, she preferred a much more human contact level of assessment, but of late that had been increasingly difficult.
'All that is written isn't strictly true, I have seen some absurd stories about Henry punching the president which has not happened' she tried to joke her way out of the conversation but Dr Sherman has become accustomed to her ways by now.
'But something did happen…' She questioned. Elizabeth shifted in her seat and pressed her lips together in that moment questioning why she thought coming here was a good idea. She slowly exhaled, completely lost for words, where did she start. She clenched her jaw together as she felt the emotional wave build in the pit of her stomach.
'I can see you're struggling today' Dr Sherman observed. The sheer kindness of her observation made Elizabeth screw her face up and she desperately tried to swallow her tears before they even reached her eyes. She bawled her fists and pushed into her legs trying to release the sadness through physical pain.
'I…-' She forced a small nervous chuckle out as she exhaled. 'I urm, sorry I don't know why I can't speak, I urm…I…Oh god this is harder than I thought' Her voice cracked as her breath rattled on exhale. She dipped her head and had to calm herself as her stomach began to churn and she gently started to dry heave. Her hands fumbled up to her jacket pocket and pulled out the opened pack of tissues. She ripped another one free, scrunching it in her hand and using it to cover her mouth, a simple method she had become accustomed to in order to help her calm.
Dr Sherman looked on, her concern growing as she watched Elizabeth struggle before her. Her eyes walked over her body, analysing her body language trying to second guess what had Elizabeth in such a state.
'Elizabeth' she pushed lightly, a forceful shove to Elizabeth as her emotional well-being took yet another beating.
'Henry and I… we're…we're getting a Divorce' Elizabeth waved her hand to dismiss her own comment like it was nothing, her lips trembling and her vision blurred, she pinched her nose but it was no use, one small sob slipped through her lips and the rest flooded the room like a tsunami.
'Oh Elizabeth, Oh darling I am so sorry' Dr Sherman confessed. Her response wasn't strictly professional but it was one full of empathy and an instinctive one at that. She had witnessed more than anyone just how much Elizabeth professed her love for Henry and was a little stunned to hear it wasn't enough for their marriage. Her heart sank further for Elizabeth when her mind flashed back to a session they'd shared not too long ago…
Can I ask, what are you tired of exactly?' Elizabeth sighed, she was tired of all the questioning now and wanted nothing more than to head home. She closed her eyes and shook her head, unable to answer that.
'All of it I guess, tired of feeling like a prisoner within my own mind, tired of not being able to think clearly, not being able to work effectively, of being reminded of the trauma on my body, tired of arguing with Henry' she rambled…'Tired of feeling like my marriage is over' She confessed. 'I feel like I am going to go home-' she paused for a breather, '-Like one day I am going to go home and Henry is going to be there with divorce papers, and it will be all my fault'
'When did this happen?' She asked as Elizabeth sipped on some water and wiped her tears.
'Five days ago, we hadn't spoken for days because of another argument, I think…God that's awful isn't it, I just can't remember anything at the moment,-' she stressed
'No it's quite normal, It's a trauma response' Dr Sherman confirmed
'He went home to Pittsburgh for a few days, we didn't speak and then he came home to DC, visited me at the state department and we got into another fight and he gave me the papers. I signed them no more than twenty-four hours later. The kids know, we had to tell them' She pushed her teeth together attempting to remain in control as she explained the last few days. 'I spoke to Conrad about it before I came here too, he was the one who actually persuaded me to keep this appointment' She continued. Her eyes closed for a moment as she processed her thoughts. Her body felt heavy with the emotional turmoil she had endured.
'Can I asked why you spoke to Conrad? Do your staff know?' Dr Sherman asked, knowing that Elizabeth had previously touched on her relationship with him and how sometimes it's sparked resentment in Henry.
'No, my staff don't know yet. I'll be telling them tomorrow at some point. I spoke to Conrad to ask for some time off next week, just a few days. Henry will be leaving the family home a week today, Alison and Jason are going with him.' Once again her tears fell as she spoke through her sobs 'I just don't want to be there when they go' She almost screamed through the pain that pierced through her heart. Dr Sherman swallowed hard, her own eyes filling with tears as Elizabeth crumbled to pieces in front of her.
'I'm sorry' Elizabeth apologised for crying.
'Don't be' Dr Sherman whispered.
'I don't want to be there when they leave. I will be, but I don't want to be. I am going to go to camp David with the first lady for a few days at the start of the week then head back the night before they leave. I think it's the right thing to do, they need space to pack and I know Alison feels guilty for leaving DC already, I don't want to hang around and add to those feelings of guilt' her speech broken as her breathing resumed to a steady rate.
'Does Henry know you're going?'
'No' she confirmed
'I think it might be wise to let him know? Your communication hasn't been great with one another, best not to add to that and just be clear about your intentions for leaving, there is no misunderstanding then' Dr Sherman advised and Elizabeth nodded slowly allowing the advice to sink in. Elizabeth sat in silence for a moment, her heavy heart forcing her to bend and look down into her lap. She sniffled and cleared her throat before looking up and focusing on Dr Sherman.
'I need to go. I can't sit here and break down on you again.' Her voice strained as she desperately tried not to succumb to the pain within. She rose to her feet and grabbed her bag. 'I'll get Blake to get in touch with you. I'm sorry, bye' her final words were almost a whisper as she rushed out of the office and into her motorcade, a place where she could finally unleash her true emotions and sob uncontrollably into her lap.
- - - - - - - - - - - - MS - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Henry was sitting at his desk in the office space, just sat aimlessly staring into space, his mind drifting from him as he came to terms with the endings of his marriage. He heard the motorcade pull up outside the house he sat in and waited patiently for Elizabeth to come through the front door, unsure of how to even be around her.
As soon as she stepped inside she spotted him sitting in the office space, instantly torn between what to do and how to act. Usually she'd walk in and greet him, now she found herself questioning if that was even appropriate. She slipped her jacket off and hung it up by the door allowing her back to face him, lingering for a moment whilst she wrecked her mind over what to do.
'Everything ok?' His voice filtered through the air. Elizabeth turned to face him and flashed a fake smile, one he was no stranger too and could see straight through. 'You've been crying' he whispered flatly and she simply nodded.
'I had a session with Dr Sherman' her mouth ran dry as she tried to string a sentence together. Henry glanced down at his watch and noted it had gone midnight, he looked back up at her puzzled
'It's gone midnight, that's late' he observed but her observation felt more like a criticism of Elizabeth, or an accusation that she was lying about her whereabouts.
'It finished around eight-thirty, I… will if I'm honest I asked Matt to drive me around aimlessly whilst I sat and cried in the back of my motorcade' the truth poured from her emotionlessly. Henry dropped his head, unable to look at her seeing all the pain he had caused. He chose not to respond because he knew his words were no longer sufficient enough.
'I informed Conrad today. I took his offer of a few days off. I am going to Camp David tomorrow night after work. I can't be in the house when you're packing up your things. Whatever you want just take it, it's all immaterial to me, the only important pieces that I want to stay are the very ones going' she sighed heavily. All her energy and emotion drained from her as her words fell lifeless before them both.
'When will you be back?' He cleared his throat 'Will I get to see you before I go?' He clarified and she glanced over to him, her eyes narrowing on his as she attempted to process his response, confusion overwhelming her.
'Yes, I'll be back the night before. I want to say goodbye to the kids' She confessed
'And what about me? Do I not get the opportunity to say goodbye to my wife?' He whispered selfishly, desperate to cling onto any final moments with her.
'No, you don't, because I never wanted to say goodbye in the first place' she sighed sharply and slowly started to walk away. 'Oh and Henry… I won't be your wife for much longer, so please stop calling me that, it hurts too much' she swallowed the truth within her as she left him alone.