Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 51: Pyrrha's Mom (Has Got it Going On)
Jaune had always figured that while Beacon would be amazing, it would still be somewhat grounded in reality. You know how it goes – school, tests, pants-shitting terror when out in the field, and maybe a girl at some point if he was lucky. He didn't think that was pushing it at all; in fact, it seemed to conform to everything he had heard about the Huntsman academies.
Still, he wasn't going to complain about how his experience hadn't quite measured up to expectations, given that he was currently pinned underneath his best friend's mother.
Pyrrha's mom stared at him, hunger in her eyes as she licked her lips. Jaune couldn't help but swallow nervously, given how she was staring at him like a piece of meat. He supposed that was to be expected, though – Pyrrha hadn't ever talked about her father to them, so he'd always assumed Mister Nikos was either absent or dead, and Pyrrha's mom hadn't given any hint that he was still around. She wasn't wearing a ring, in any case, and she had laughed when he had tentatively asked if she already had a man in her life when she had started dragging him away from the bar earlier, so he assumed there were no NTR shenanigans going on.
Or rather, he hoped there were no NTR shenanigans going on. If there were, Mister Nikos wouldn't even have to kill him, because he'd just off himself out of shame and guilt.
"Well, well," Pyrrha's mom all but purred as she stared at him. "I must admit that I've always wanted to try out a younger man, but I didn't think it'd be quite this easy."
Again, Jaune swallowed nervously. "W-well, in my defense, you make a very convincing argument."
His eyes were drawn to her bra-clad chest, and her smirk widened as she chuckled. "Oh, you naughty boy~" she said. "Someone is just asking for it, aren't they?"
"I mean, if you're offering-"
"Stuff it."
He obliged. Her grin widened.
"Now, then," Pyrrha's mom began. "You just sit back and let me take the lead, honey. I promise it'll feel good."
Jaune couldn't help but feel his brain short-circuit at that. He couldn't but have a miniature version of his life flash before his eyes as the events of the past few hours raced through his mind.
It had started with all of them traveling to Argus for the holidays. It was supposed to just be a few days, with nothing crazy happening, but then Saphron had dragged them all to some bar (much to Terra's chagrin) and they had started doing shots. Somehow, he was the last one standing despite his inexperience with drinking, which had left him easy prey to the stacked, glasses-wearing redhead who looked suspiciously like an older Pyrrha, who had been eyeing him from the corner of the bar ever since he had walked in.
Part of him thought it was weird that Pyrrha had never even gone to say hi to her own mom, but then again Pyrrha was a lightweight and had gotten completely trashed after like two shots, so he was willing to cut her some slack on that one.
Pyrrha's mom licked her lips as her hand drifted down to between his legs. She leaned in to whisper into his ear.
"The safe word is 'harder, mommy,'" she whispered.
Somehow, he felt vaguely threatened by that.
When Jaune woke up the next morning, it was to a throbbing in his head and in his loins. He winced, a hand reaching up to massage his temples, as the events of the previous night came back to him, making his head spin. He looked over to his side, and there she was – the woman who had absolutely rocked his world last night. And honestly, he wasn't sure what to make of it.
But in his defense, most young men would probably be at a loss when it comes to a hot older woman taking them for the ride of their lives out of nowhere.
Shaking that thought out of his mind, Jaune focused his attention back on her. That was probably a mistake, because one of her eyes cracked open and focused on him. Jaune couldn't help but be reminded of a T-rex focusing on its prey, especially not when a wide grin crossed her face and she sat up.
"Hey, you," she said, her voice still dripping with exhaustion. She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, which made him blush.
Sure, he was kind of acting like a bitch about this, but let's see you act like a Chad when you're a seventeen-year-old who suddenly got pulled into bed by a somehow even hotter version of your best friend.
"Hey," Jaune said in response. He rubbed the back of his head. "So, last night-"
"Did you have a good time, hon?" she asked.
"Uh, yeah," Jaune replied. "I had a fantastic time."
"Great. Ready for round two?"
"Pardon?" he couldn't help but ask.
"You heard me," she said. "I mean, I get that we went for about seven rounds last night, but it's been a long time for me, and you've got plenty of aura. So, how about it?"
He didn't even have to hesitate. "If you're offering-"
She was on him in a second, pouncing and then pinning him down. Jaune stared up at her, giving a weak cough. "I was thinking that I'd be on top this time, actually."
She just laughed at him.
"Dude, what the hell happened to you?" Nora asked. "You look equal parts shitty and radiant."
"What does that mean, Nora?" Ren questioned. "Like, I get that it's weird for me to be asking that given that I of all people should be used to your Nora-isms by now, but this one is weird even for you."
"Just look at him, Ren. He's got a bunch of bags under his eyes and looks exhausted, but at the same time it looks like he doesn't regret any of it." Nora paused. "...Jaune, did you get laid last night while we were all passed out and puking on ourselves?"
"Maybe," Jaune said. "You all should have had a higher alcohol tolerance."
"Oh, bullshit," Ren said, rolling his eyes. "Just because you have a higher alcohol tolerance due to your aura, that doesn't make you better than us."
Jaune went to respond, only to pause and look around. "...Uh, where's Pyrrha? Shouldn't she be here with us?"
"That's a really good question, Jaune," Nora said. "Where is Pyrrha, anyway? Ren and I haven't seen her since last night."
"What do you mean, you haven't seen her since last night?" Jaune asked. "Isn't it your job to watch her? You know how she gets in social situations that are out of her depth."
"Uh, excuse me, you were the one who wasn't drunk," Nora pointed out. "Doesn't that make you her handler by default?"
"Yeah, but I saw the chance to get laid and I took it."
"You know what? That's fair," Ren conceded. Nora stared at him like he was an idiot, and he just shrugged. "Hey, a man's gotta have his priorities straight. Can you really blame a guy for doing whatever it takes to lose his V-card?"
"Yes, considering Pyrrha is now missing?" Nora asked tentatively. "Guys, this is serious. What if she got kidnapped by some organ traffickers and they're cutting out her kidneys to sell on the black market? She'll be on dialysis for the rest of her life until we can find her a replacement kidney. How is she supposed to be a Huntress then?"
"I'm pretty sure Atlas makes artificial organs, actually," Jaune said. "She could probably get one of those sick-ass mechanical kidneys. Think about it – you get to be part robot, you get a nice scar to show off, and you no longer have any risk of kidney stones. I consider that a win."
Nora scoffed. "Oh, please. Like Atlas is just going to send out a prosthetic to some random teenager for no reason. Even Pyrrha would have trouble finagling a replacement organ out of those stuck-up assholes, and she's the most asskicking celebrity on the face of Remnant."
Jaune hesitated, then sighed. "...Yeah, I suppose you're right. Okay, I guess we should start looking for her. So, does anyone have any idea where she might be?"
"None at all," Ren said. "Nora and I woke up in this cafe not long before you found us. Hell, the front of my shirt is still covered in dried vomit from last night, and I'm pretty sure I'm wearing Nora's underwear."
Jaune raised an eyebrow. "You're pretty sure?"
"Well, I'm not going to check. I don't want to see Nora's underwear; that'd be quite rude."
"Well, you certainly didn't mind checking them when you were putting them on last night, and I can't believe I just said that." Jaune shook his head. "Is this what we've come to, really?"
"Seems like it, little brother," Saphron announced as she and Terra strode into the cafe.
"Saph?" Jaune asked. "How'd you find us?"
"Well, it wasn't exactly hard," Saphron answered. "We followed the twin trails of vomit and femcum here." She looked around. "Speaking of which, who's the lucky lady, Jaune?"
"...Wait, she's here?" Jaune asked.
"You bet," Pyrrha's mom announced.
Nora's eye twitched. "Okay, if Pyrrha appears out of nowhere to respond to what ought to be a hypothetical question like everyone else seems to be doing, I'm going to lose it."
They all ignored her, instead focusing on Pyrrha's mom. "...Dude," Ren said. "Did you really sleep with Pyrrha's mom?"
"Yeah," Jaune answered.
"Nice."
Saphron stared at Pyrrha's mom in surprise. "Jaune, who is this and how did you meet her?"
"This is..." Jaune paused. "Huh. I never got a name out of you, actually."
"Names are for people who aren't getting to know each other on a more fundamental level," came the response.
Jaune shrugged. "Okay, then. Everyone, this is Pyrrha's Mom."
"Don't tell me you're actually going to just go along with that garbage," Nora said, skeptical.
"Sure, it's dumb," Jaune conceded. "But just look at her. Seriously, really take a look. She could ask me to set myself on fire and I'd do it if it meant I got those fat tits in my face again later."
Pyrrha's Mom smirked. "That can be arranged, dear."
Saphron gagged. "Oh, Gods… please don't start talking dirty to my little brother while I'm here. That's just wrong… especially because I'm pretty sure you're older than me."
"Jaune doesn't seem to mind that, though," Terra said.
"And that just raises so many questions," Saphron said with a shudder. "Jaune, be honest: do you have mommy issues or something? Is that why you're chasing older women?"
"No, I'm chasing older women because she came on to me first, and because I'm now intimately familiar with the fact that I kind of like the experience that comes with her being in her late thirties," Jaune answered. "Does that answer your question?"
"So she doesn't ask you to call her anything weird?"
Jaune hesitated, then looked back to Ren and Nora. "So, about finding Pyrrha-"
"Hey!" Saphron protested. "Don't ignore my embarrassing questions, Jaune! I'm your older sister, so that means you have to react properly when I try to embarrass you!"
Pyrrha's Mom put a hand on Saphron's shoulder, shaking her head as she did so. "Give it a rest, dear," she said gently. "It's clear that the only one who will be able to embarrass him now is me, in ways that are probably better left unsaid."
Saphron slumped over. "Fine..."
"Hey, wait a second," Nora suddenly announced. "If Saphron is here… and Terra is here… then who's watching Adrian?"
"Oh, that's easy," Terra replied. "Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter is watching him."
"Oh, come on!" Nora protested. "So this entire section was for nothing!"
"Not necessarily," Ren said. "At least now we know where Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter is."
Jaune raised an eyebrow. "Why are we calling her that all of a sudden?"
"What do you mean, Jaune?" Ren asked. "Her name has always been Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter, as is befitting the fact that her mom is a superior girl to her."
"...Yeah, I guess that makes sense." A calming warmth suddenly spread across his body, emanating from his chest. "Huh, so that's what it feels like."
"Like what feels like?" Saphron asked.
"Someone else being the universe's punching bag for once instead of me. It feels rather nice."
"Whatever you say, man," Nora said. "Anyway, what I want to know is, how'd this relationship even start? Was this literally one of those things where a horny older woman spies a drunk young man across the bar and decides to make a move on him?"
"Is that actually a thing that happens outside of porn?" Ren questioned.
"Apparently, because that's literally exactly what happened," Jaune explained. "Tell them, Pyrrha's Mom. You're the one who initiated the whole thing, after all."
"I'm a horny older woman who hasn't had a good dick in years," Pyrrha's Mom said. "Jaune caught my eye from across the bar and I decided to approach him after he was already inebriated, figuring that I'd have more success that way."
"That seems kind of predatory," Saphron said with a grimace. "I mean, you're old enough to be his mother, you specifically waited until he was drunk, and from the sound of things, you went super hard into it."
"Can you not ruin this for me, please?" Jaune asked. "I get that you're my older sister and it's kind of your job to fuck up every good thing I have going for me, but seriously, just this once, let me have this."
"How does this pairing even work, anyway?" Ren wondered. "I mean, we don't even know Pyrrha's Mom's actual name."
"Maybe her name actually is Pyrrha's Mom," Nora mused. "Or we could just refer to her as the Red-Haired Woman."
"I like calling her Pyrrha's Mom better," Jaune announced. "It makes it hotter."
"Shame we can't remember who Pyrrha is," Ren lamented.
"Isn't she the same person as Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter?" Terra asked.
Ren shrugged. "Eh, who cares?"
"Good point," Saphron agreed. "Anyway, Nora is right. I won't try to break you two up or anything, but I just want to know, how is this pairing supposed to work? You know Mom and Dad are going to freak, Jaune."
"I don't care," Jaune said. "And for the record, Dad won't give a shit. If anything, he'll congratulate me on having good taste. Mom is the only one I'm worried about, but that will fade when she realizes that Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter is technically her new granddaughter… I think? I'm not entirely certain on how that's supposed to work."
"Congrats, you've somehow created a family situation that's even more fucked than Ruby and Yang's," Ren said. "That's actually impressive, Jaune. Kudos."
"Oh, shut up," he said. "The important thing is: How are we going to break this to Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter? You know she's strong enough to cleave my asshole apart with her bare hands, and something tells me she won't look too kindly on the fact that I'm fucking her mom."
"You know, I think I have a solution for that," Ren said.
"You know, when you told me you had a solution, this wasn't what I had in mind," Jaune said.
"Are you complaining?" Ren asked.
"...No, not really. I must admit that it is effective. Still, I feel kind of bad."
"Why?" Nora asked. "Serious question: does anyone even like Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter, really? I mean, she's nice and all… but that's all she is. Meanwhile, Pyrrha's Mom is also very nice, but she's also really hot, so I'm in favor of this arrangement."
Pyrrha's Mom looked down at her new outfit. "Are you sure this is okay?" she asked.
"Of course it is," Jaune said. "It's not like Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter is here to complain."
"No, not that," Pyrrha's Mom said. "I just… isn't this outfit a bit… revealing?"
Jaune looked over at her, his gaze traveling to her chest, which was clearly too big for the outfit she was wearing. But he was too much of a horny bastard to agree with her, so instead he shrugged. "Eh. It suits you."
Pyrrha's Mom acquiesced, lowering her hand. "How did she wear this all this, anyway? I feel like everyone can see my panties in this skirt..."
Jaune didn't have the heart to tell her that they could all totally see her panties in that skirt, both because he quite liked the view and because he didn't want to risk making her too horny by letting her know he was totally perving on her, because the last time that had happened, she had drained him dry over the course of a night.
It was nice, don't get him wrong, but as all men know, sometimes the loins need a moment of respite.
The airship touched down at Beacon, and they all stepped out. For some reason, Ozpin and Glynda were there, which made Jaune raise an eyebrow.
"Ozpin," he said. "Is something wrong?"
"You could say that," he replied. "We got a call from Argus saying that you were coming back here early. I figured shenanigans were afoot." His gaze traveled to Pyrrha's Mom. "I can see now that my assumptions were correct. Do I want to know?"
"Probably not," Nora answered.
"Okay, I'll just pretend I didn't see anything, then. Glynda, let the records show that Miss Nikos has always looked like this."
Glynda sighed, shaking her head. "Ozpin, one day your distaste for doing paperwork is going to get someone killed."
"I'll start doing paperwork when it stops being boring," Ozpin countered. He looked back to the four of them. "You are all dismissed. Just remember – when this inevitably backfires, I didn't know anything about it."
He walked away, and Jaune just shrugged. "Eh. I'm fine with it. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?"
All around the table, Team RWBY stared with confusion. Jaune couldn't exactly blame them – after all, he had suddenly showed up with a hot older woman out of nowhere. He'd be confused, too.
"So," Yang began. "What happened to Pyrrha?"
Oh, he supposed that was confusing, too.
"Who's Pyrrha?" Jaune asked. "Do you mean Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter?"
"What are you getting at here, exactly?" Weiss questioned. "Is this some stupid thing that's going to take a couple hundred words to explain before we all just kind of accept it for no good reason?"
"Yes," said Nora.
"Well, at least you're honest. Here, I'll go ahead and take a guess." Weiss cleared her throat. "You all went to Argus for a little vacation, of course. While there, something happened, and Jaune ended up hooking up with someone who looks suspiciously like an older Pyrrha, and who we should probably assume is Pyrrha's mom. Now she's here and Pyrrha isn't. Does that mean that Pyrrha has unofficially been replaced?"
"Who's Pyrrha?" Jaune asked again.
"Yup, thought so." Weiss turned to Pyrrha's Mom. "I must admit, I'm surprised that you're just going along with this. It's not a very motherly thing for you to do."
"I beg to differ," Pyrrha's Mom replied. "Given that Jaune calls me Mommy every night."
"Thanks for putting those images in my head. Really. I truly appreciate it." Weiss looked back to Jaune. "This is already a disaster. I can safely say that I'm not a fan."
"I bet I can make you change your mind," Jaune challenged.
"Oh, yeah? And how do you intend to do that?"
"Well, I know that your own mother is pretty disappointing given that she prefers alcohol over her own children. Pyrrha's Mom can also be a surrogate mom to you, too. She won't be your mommy GF like she is to me, but she can at least show you that affection that your real mother hasn't shown to you since she became a useless wino."
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Weiss said flatly.
"Are you sure about that, dear?" Pyrrha's Mom said.
"Yes."
"Truly? You sound stressed. Is something bothering you, honey? You know you can tell me anything. I won't judge."
Weiss hesitated, her stern expression faltering slightly. "...T-that won't work."
"Oh, come now," Pyrrha's Mom said. "You must have a lot of things that are bothering you, sweetie. Are you sure you don't want to talk to me about it?"
For a moment, Weiss said nothing… but only for a moment.
"...Damn it, you've won me over," she admitted. "Well, if I must admit something, I'll admit that I hate my family and everyone in it except my older sister, and even then I haven't seen her in forever. Coming here is like the first time I've actually felt surrounded by people who care about me in years."
"Aw~" Ruby said. "You do care."
"Don't push it," Weiss warned. "Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening, Pyrrha's Mom."
"Well, that was nice," Jaune announced. "Anyone else? Trick question – pretty much everyone here but me has massive mommy issues of some kind, so I know you're all just waiting to use her as your surrogate mother. Might as well do it now."
"Well, you've got me," Blake admitted. "I haven't seen my mother in years. We had a good relationship and everything, but I feel like I let her down, and I can't bring myself to call her."
"Call her anyway," Pyrrha's Mom said. "She sounds like a good mom, unlike Weiss' mom. She'd probably appreciate just knowing you're doing fine."
"Normally I'd take issue with the fact that you're calling out my mom, but she's a horrible mom, so go ahead," Weiss said.
Blake seemed satisfied with that. Once she was done, everyone turned to Yang expectantly, only for her to scowl and cross her arms.
"I do not have mommy issues," Yang said irritably.
Ruby rolled her eyes. "You're not fooling anyone, Yang."
"Oh, you're one to talk, Ruby."
"Yeah, I know, but I'm not the one trying to act like I have a big dick and don't have mommy issues. I totally have mommy issues, they're like a core part of my character and always have been."
"You don't have to pretend so hard, Yang," Blake urged. "We all know you have mommy issues. It's not weird… I mean, it is weird, but since everyone else in this group has them too, it's not that weird, all things considered."
"Speak for yourself," Jaune said. "I don't have mommy issues."
"Not only is your girlfriend old enough to be your actual mother, but she literally just told us that she has you call her Mommy during sex, and you're okay with it," Blake pointed out. "Now, I'm not gonna go so far as to say that you want to fuck your own mother, but there's definitely something lurking under the hood there."
"...Alright, point taken." Jaune looked around, frowning. "Hey, where's Yang?"
"Over here," Pyrrha's Mom said. Jaune turned towards her and found Yang laying in her lap, sucking her own thumb. He raised an eyebrow, and she shrugged. "While you were all talking about random garbage, she ended up spilling her entire life story to me in like a second, and I told her it was okay to be sad, and then it somehow led to this. I think she's trying to relive the childhood she lost while raising Ruby."
"What?!" Ruby shouted. "She's taking all the surrogate motherhood time away from me! That bitch!"
"Now, now, dear," Pyrrha's Mom said gently. "Give your sister some time to herself – I think she deserves it for once, don't you? I'll read you a story later."
Ruby relaxed. "O-okay..."
"Well," Nora said. "This is getting weirder and weirder."
"Speak for yourself," Blake interrupted. "I like her a lot more than the other girl… uh… what was her name again?"
"We can't remember, so we've just started referring to her as Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter," Jaune explained.
"Works for me. I like Pyrrha's Mom a lot more than Pyrrha's Mom Daughter. Not to say that Pyrrha's Mom Daughter wasn't good, but she just doesn't have the same motherly qualities that Pyrrha's Mom has."
"I know, isn't she great?" Jaune said. "I say we just sit back, relax, and enjoy this while it lasts."
A murmur of agreement came from the others, and he leaned back with a content sigh. Yup, things were looking good.
Pyrrha's Mom had been there for three days, and things were not good.
"You're busy?" Jaune asked, disappointed.
"Yes, dear," Pyrrha's Mom said. "I promised Glynda that I'd come do her hair."
"Why does she need a mother figure? I'm pretty sure she's older than you."
"One thing I've learned is that you're never too old to have a mother dote on you. Another thing I've learned is that having mommy issues is apparently required to be a Huntsman or Huntress, because everyone I've met at Beacon so far seems to have them."
She wasn't wrong. Ever since Pyrrha's Mom had shown up, it had been a non-stop stream of people approaching her, both men and women, requesting some kind of motherly affection or care from her. It was almost weird that none of it was sexual, because Jaune could have at least understood that even if it was repulsive, but this was just regular parent stuff, like playing catch or reading bedtime stories or going to someone's recital.
Basically, Pyrrha's Mom had turned into Beacon's Mom, and it was driving him crazy.
"I can appreciate that you're trying to help everyone, but we haven't really done anything together yet," Jaune said.
"We have sex every night," she pointed out.
"Yeah, but I wanted to do couple stuff, you know? Going to movies, getting dinner, doing long walks at the park… you know, hopelessly romantic stuff like that. It's pretty hard to arrange those things when you're too busy assuring Team SSSN that you're proud of them. Speaking of which, why does that take an hour to do?"
"I don't know," she admitted. "Last time it happened, I literally just intended to tell each of them individually that I was proud of them, but they kept insisting I say it again, presumably because none of them have ever had anyone say it to them before. I felt bad so I indulged them."
Jaune sighed, crossing his arms. "Well, when can we do something together as a couple?"
"Soon," she promised. "Trust me, I feel just as bad about this as you do, but my motherly instincts are going into overdrive looking at all these wayward children at Beacon. Can you believe that all of these people have mommy issues? It blows my mind. It's downright sad."
"Huntsmen and Huntresses are all broken people, who knew? Well, besides everyone." Jaune shook his head. "Anyway, just call me when you're done… what are you doing?"
"Assuring Coco that her fear of confined spaces doesn't make her weird," Pyrrha's Mom said.
"Okay, when you're done assuring Coco that her fear of confined spaces doesn't make her weird, just call me and we'll set something up."
She nodded, then took off. Jaune watched her go, then sighed and shook his head.
He probably should have figured that Beacon's collective mommy issues would be a problem, but seriously, everyone? It was telling that the only people who didn't have mommy issues were Ren and Nora, who didn't even have parents.
"Dude," Nora spoke up from across the room. "You need to do something."
"Like what?" Jaune asked. "I can't exactly shut this down, not when she's actually helping a lot of people confront their issues."
"Yeah, but she's your girlfriend. And yeah, I get that this is about as far from cheating as it could possibly get, but still. It's weird."
"What do you suggest?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Ren stated. "If she's focused on the people with the biggest mommy issues, then just confront her with your own mommy issues. That'll get her laser-focused on you, guaranteed."
"But I don't have any mommy issues," Jaune said. "At least, not to the same extent as some of these other people. Seriously, I still feel bad for that tall dark-haired girl from Haven."
"What happened to her, anyway?" Nora wondered. "Last I remember, she requested a one-on-one mother-daughter talk with Pyrrha's Mom, then ran out of the room bawling her eyes out like thirty seconds later."
"Oh, Pyrrha's Mom gave her a hug and told her that everything would be okay, and that was enough to make her completely break down, lose her composure, and start seeing a therapist to address her issues," Jaune recalled. "I'll give Pyrrha's Mom this: if nothing else, she's doing a lot of good to people here. But, damn it, I need her, too. And as a girlfriend, not as a mother figure."
"At this point, I think your only way forward is to start seeing her as both," Ren said. "I mean, it's worth a shot, if nothing else."
Jaune frowned, but didn't disagree. As much as he hated to admit it, Ren and Nora had a point. Reluctantly, he sighed.
She wanted mommy issues? Well, she was gonna get mommy issues.
Jaune didn't waste any time setting his plan into motion. As soon as his alarm went off the next morning, he was up and making his way to the cafeteria, his teammates sleepily following him because they were both moral support and because they wanted to watch the train wreck. Which was fair, he supposed – he'd want to watch this too if he wasn't the one doing it.
Anyway, true to form, Pyrrha's Mom was in the cafeteria already, catering to the needs of the other people with mommy issues… which apparently involved braiding that Emerald girl's hair for her. But that didn't matter, because Jaune was officially about to usurp Emerald's spot as the dedicated mommy issues person of the day, or whatever it was.
Which was saying a lot, because if anyone outside of Team RWBY had mommy issues, it was Emerald. But that was neither here nor there, he supposed.
Shaking those thoughts away, Jaune marched through the cafeteria, his purposeful stride getting Pyrrha's Mom's attention with ease.
"Jaune," she greeted, a warm smile crossing her face. "Was there something I could help you with?"
"There is, actually," Jaune said. "Mother."
Instantly, she froze. The fact that he had called her 'Mother' instead of 'Mommy' must have caused her motherly instincts to go into overdrive, because clearly he meant business now. She finished doing Emerald's hair in an instant, then gently sent her on her way, Emerald skipping along happily as she whistled a tune.
Which was certainly weird, don't get him wrong, but if anyone was going to monopolize weirdness today, it was going to be him. Unfortunately.
"Something is wrong," Pyrrha's Mom observed. "You're never called me Mother before."
"Because I've never had need of your motherly services in a non-lewd manner before now," Jaune reported. "But I need a mother figure now, and my actual mother isn't here and/or is certainly drunk right now, so I'm going to the next best thing, that being you."
"That makes sense. What's the problem, hon?"
Oh, where to begin. He honestly wasn't sure he'd even get this far, though in hindsight, maybe that was dumb of him, considering she was his girlfriend and all. Well, no better place to start than the beginning, right?
"My family doesn't believe in me," he said. "None of them ever thought I had what it took to become a Huntsman. My mother even told me that I'd be better off finding a nice girl to settle down with instead, even though I made it clear that I wanted to be a hero above all else. She told me to give up on my dreams."
"Well, that's unfair of her," Pyrrha's Mom said. "You should-"
"I'm not done," Jaune said. And he meant it – unfortunately, it got weirder than that. "You don't understand, she tried everything to get me to give up my dreams, down to straight-up ordering me to give them up."
"Oh. Well, that's-"
"And you know what? I think I've realized I like being told what to do by older women," Jaune confessed.
Ren and Nora were giving him weird looks, but he didn't care, because he was trying to get some. They couldn't possibly understand his plight.
"Of course, that doesn't mean I want to sleep with my own mother," he added. "Because I don't like her that way. No, she just inspired a fucking complex in me. Hence why I just went along with it when you picked me up at the bar."
"Where are you going with this?" Pyrrha's Mom wondered. "Because I'm honestly at a loss. At first, it sounded like you genuinely wanted help with an issue, but now it sounds more like you want me to mommy dom you."
Admittedly, she wasn't wrong… but again, he didn't think he'd get this far, for some reason. He was basically making this up as he went.
At least it seemed to be working, if the steady blush creeping across her face and the huskiness slowly leaking into her voice was any indication. Clearly, he was sending her motherly instincts into overdrive by essentially asking her to tell him what to do, because what overbearing mother wouldn't like being given a blank check to order people around? He was basically asking her to let loose her inner Karen during sex; no doubt she was now leaking like a faucet at the mere suggestion of that.
"If that's the takeaway from this, then fine," Jaune said. "All I'm saying is this: I'm quickly realizing that I'm just a teenager who's completely lost without an older woman to tell him what to do, and that bothers me. I'd appreciate you taking over that role, because my actual family isn't going to do it, and even if they did do it, well, they'd do a shit job at it."
She bit her lip. Clearly, he was sending her into overdrive. Good.
Now it was time for the kill shot.
"More than anything, I need a mother's wisdom and guidance… but arguably just as important, if you're going to act like my mother anyway, I'd also appreciate you breast feeding me, you know? Just as an added bonus."
And there it was. She was huffing and puffing now, no doubt highly aroused by the words any older woman is dying to hear.
"What the fuck, man?" Nora questioned.
Immediately, Jaune rounded on her. "Don't ruin this for me, Nora!"
"I'm just saying, you guys are fucking weird," Nora said. "You and everyone else in this school. What next, is the past going to suddenly catch up to us by bursting through the wall out of nowhere?"
Predictably, that was exactly what happened, as the wall of the cafeteria chose that exact moment to explode in a shower of plaster and asbestos.
"Man," Ren said as he watched the asbestos flutter around. "I knew Ozpin was a cheap bastard when it came to renovating the school, but I didn't think he'd cut corners so hard that he'd literally give us all cancer to save himself some money."
"You underestimate just how much money this saves me and just how little I care about your lives, Mister Ren," Ozpin announced over the loudspeaker.
"It'll only save you money for now," Ren countered. "Wait a few years or so, when those obnoxious mesothelioma commercials start airing again and we can all smack you with a fat class-action. I bet you'll regret cheaping out when that happens, old man."
Jaune ignored all that, instead coughing as he tried to clear the smoke away to get a clear look at what had just caused Professor Goodwitch even more unpaid overtime than she normally had for the day.
To his surprise, standing there was someone who looked just like his girlfriend, but younger. She was staring at Pyrrha's Mom, and looked very betrayed.
"What is this?!" she announced. "Jaune, what did you do?!"
Jaune blinked. "...Sorry, do I know you?"
"What are you talking about? It's me, Pyrrha!"
"Pyr-who? The only person I know with a name similar to that is Pyrrha's Mom."
"You idiot," Weiss admonished. "This is clearly Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter."
"I'm sorry, what did you just call me?" Pyrrha demanded.
"Oh, now I remember!" Jaune said. "Sorry, Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter – I got so caught up in how your mother is the superior version of you that I completely forgot about you. Heh, whoops."
"Wow, how believable." Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter rolled her eyes. "Just one problem, though."
"What would that be?"
"This person isn't my mother."
Again, Jaune paused. "...What?"
"She's not my mother," Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter repeated. "She's not even related to me in any way. I have no idea who she is."
"But she looks just like you, only older and hotter!" Jaune protested. "You can't tell me there's no relationship there!"
"I'm telling you, she's not my mother," Pyrrha's Mom's Daughter insisted. "Ask her yourself."
Jaune stared at her in disbelief for a moment, then looked over to Pyrrha's Mom. "Pyrrha's Mom, is this true?"
Pyrrha's Mom nodded. "Yes, it's true. In fact, I don't have any children in the first place."
"What?! But you make such a good mother!"
"I'm in my late-thirties with no children of my own, Jaune," she explained. "My biological clock is ticking. Of course I make a good mother – my motherly instincts are going into overdrive, basically screaming at me to pin someone down and have him impregnate me already."
"And you're doing a good job of that, if the noises coming from across the hall every night are any indication," Blake chimed in.
Without looking, Pyrrha's Mom fished a sardine out of her pocket and tossed it to Blake, who anxiously caught it in her mouth and swallowed it whole. "Anyway, yeah, I don't know where you got the idea that I was a mother in the first place," she said.
"Because you didn't have a problem with us calling you Pyrrha's Mom!" Jaune said.
"Yeah, because that's my name," she explained. "Here, I'll prove it to you."
She reached into her pocket and withdrew her ID card, then passed it over to Jaune. He raised an eyebrow when he saw that she was telling the truth – her name really was Pyrrha's Mom. Part of him wanted to argue that this was really stupid… but really, who cared.
"Eh, I guess it's not a deal breaker," Jaune said with a shrug, passing her ID back to her. "Want to go back to the dorm and get your eggs fertilized?"
"I thought you'd never ask," Pyrrha's Mom replied.
"But what about me?" the random red-headed girl demanded.
"Hate to say it, but it looks like you're joining the club of irrelevant redheads," Adam Taurus said, coming out of nowhere to stand next to her and put a hand on her shoulder for solidarity.
"There's a club for that?" the random red-headed girl questioned.
"Yup. It consists of all the redheads who the universe seems to forget about unless they're needed for something."
"Who else is part of this club?"
"At the moment, it's me, Penny, and Summer Rose's corpse. So I guess you could say we're pretty exclusive."
"Hey, that's an entire Beacon team," the random red-headed girl noticed. "Sure, one of us is technically dead, but all that means is she'll lose her fights just as hard as Weiss does, so I guess it still counts. What do you say we enroll as a group of four at Beacon and get our revenge as side characters?"
"Sounds fun," Adam Taurus agreed.
Naturally, nobody else ever heard this conversation take place, because the campus was now being rocked by the sound of Jaune's bed shattering into a million pieces under the sheer force of Pyrrha's Mom forcing him to impregnate her.
And they all lived happily ever after, and nothing bad ever happened, ever.
Someone asked me to do Pyrrha's mom in a review and I was going to send them a message listing all the reasons why I didn't think I could do it, but then I read through the list and realized that all the reasons why I shouldn't do a chapter on her (we don't know anything about her, she's a complete non-character, to my knowledge we technically didn't even actually learn if she's related to Pyrrha in the first place even if it's VERY heavily hinted at, and we don't even know her real name) actually worked just as well as reasons why I should do a chapter on her, so fuck it, enjoy another MILF chapter, I guess.
I'd like to apologize to Pyrrha, because she doesn't deserve even a fraction of the abuse I've heaped on her here, but it's just too easy not to do it. I was going to put a note here saying I'll try to take it easy on her until her own chapter comes out, but we all know I'd never be able to stick to that promise, so instead I'll just apologize to her, because again, she doesn't deserve any of the hell I'm putting her through in this fic.
Anyway, I'm not going to drag this AN out any longer, because I have to get on the road since I have a ten-hour drive ahead of me. Lord, I hope I don't get pulled over during this - "Do you have any weapons in the car, sir?" "…Well, officer, this is awkward. Also, I do not consent to a search of my vehicle. Just saying that out-loud for the bodycam."
Next update: Saturday, October 16.