Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 54: Wild Card – Wake Belladonna/Blake Alter

Now, Jaune liked to think that he was a nice guy, which was to say that he wasn't hateful towards anyone. In his opinion, it just wasn't worth hating people – life was too short to hold onto that kind of anger. That was especially true for more than one person, which was why he always tried to be as open-minded as possible. Sure, he could occasionally come across as ignorant, but that was more due to the fact that he'd had a very sheltered upbringing more than anything. Hell, he hadn't even seen a Faunus before coming to Beacon, so perhaps a little bit of ignorance was expected. That didn't stop him from trying to embrace them as a people, though – in fact, he had even started dating one not long after arriving at Beacon.

Of course, given his girlfriend's ideas about race, that might not have been the right decision. He was almost tempted to break up with her, but they were just so utterly out-there and ridiculous that he wasn't even sure what to think of them.

After all, how could someone be so obscenely, genuinely racist against their own race?

"Oh, it figures that the cafeteria lady skimped out on the mashed potatoes again," Wake grumbled. She picked at her food, an irritated look on her face. "I'm wondering if I should even eat this."

"Why's that?" Ruby asked. "Afraid she spit in your food or something?"

"No, I'm afraid she got her Faunus animal slime in it," Wake said.

Yang rolled her eyes. "You know, this is probably why she skimped out on your mashed potatoes," she pointed out. "Because you keep saying things like that."

"Well, maybe if Faunus weren't so utterly disgusting and subhuman, I wouldn't have to call them out on it," Wake said.

"That's big talk for someone with a pair of kitty ears on her head," Weiss acknowledged.

Wake glared at her. "Weiss, we've been over this. My admiration for your father aside, I will not sit here and have you confuse my rare birth defect with a Faunus trait. That's just insulting towards me."

"What kind of birth defect looks exactly like kitty ears?" Ruby wondered. "Look, they're even fluffy and cute like kitty ears. I bet you can hear out of them, too."

Wake bristled. "Cannot!" she insisted.

Next to her, Nora paused. She had a decidedly Nora look on her face, which told Jaune she was about to pull a Nora and do something ridiculous. He was tempted to stop her, but Wake was acting racist again and it was seriously getting on his nerves, so he decided not to. Therefore, he wasn't surprised when Nora pulled out an earbud, cranked the volume to maximum, and held it up next to one of Wake's kitty ears. Wake gave a loud exclamation of pain, reeling away from the earbud in shock. Her eyes widened when she saw the rest of the table giving her smug looks, and she quickly straightened herself out with a huff. She brushed herself off, then crossed her arms.

"That proves nothing," she said. "Clearly, these two tumors on top of my head are connected to my regular human ears somehow."

"Seriously?" Pyrrha deadpanned. "That's the best you can come up with?"

"Pyrrha, as a fellow human, you should understand," Wake said. "Imagine that someone keeps comparing you to a filthy Faunus. No human being deserves that fate – they're all too beautiful and pure to be compared to those animal fuckers."

"Can we please not go there?" Ren begged. "Seriously, whenever you start talking about the human purity thing, I get very confused. It feels like I'm on the internet again, the only difference is that you're not four-hundred pounds with a neckbeard."

"You know, if you think about it, General Lagune did nothing wrong," Wake said. "He was really just trying to keep the human race going strong."

"Actually, no, General Lagune did, in fact, do something very wrong," Weiss said. "Objectively so, even."

"Like what?" Wake asked.

"Well, he made a very poor tactical decision and lost the entire war. Regardless of your stance on him as a person, I'd say that qualifies as doing something wrong. Losing a war tends to do that."

"I disagree," Wake said dismissively. "The odds were stacked against him from the beginning. He simply did the best he could in that situation."

"He attacked a base full of people with natural night vision at night," Yang deadpanned.

"No, he didn't," Wake insisted. "He attacked a base full of Faunus with natural night vision at night."

"Okay, seriously, what's your problem with Faunus people?" Pyrrha demanded.

"Well, I'm pretty sure that I just established that I wouldn't exactly call them 'people', but I suppose I can answer that," Wake said. "They just irritate me, that's all."

Pyrrha's eye twitched. "That's it? They just irritate you?"

"Yes, their very existence irritates me. Their Faunus traits irritate me. Their constant gripes about how unfairly they're being treated irritates me. The fact that they try to live among us as equals irritates me. Need I say more?"

"What do your parents think about this?" Ruby wondered.

"What about my parents?" Wake asked.

"Well, aren't they Faunus?" Yang questioned. "Like, not only are they Faunus, but they don't they kind of lead the island of Faunus? How do you justify that with your seething, irrational hatred of Faunus?"

"Well, my parents aren't actually Faunus," Wake insisted. "They've just got the same rare disease I've got. Those aren't actually Faunus traits they've got, it's just some weird growth of cells the doctors refuse to excise because they aren't malignant. I should know – I've tried. Anyway, that aside, my parents are clearly just deep-cover sleeper agents, strategically holding positions of importance within Faunus society so they may one day use those positions against our eternal enemies."

"I see," Weiss said sarcastically. "And when can we expect that day to come?"

"I don't know, but we obviously just need to trust the plan," Wake said.

"Okay, this is going too far," Ruby declared.

"I'll say," Nora interjected. "Sun has been, like, right there this whole time. Imagine how he must feel about all this."

Everyone turned towards Sun, who just shrugged. "Meh. It's Wake – everyone ought to know that she's too ridiculous to take seriously."

"Fuck off, animal!" Wake screeched. "You will not speak while I am speaking! Now then, I can see that I will have to remind you of the arrangement I had with Weiss."

"I have no idea what she's talking about, Sun," Weiss deadpanned. "Legitimately, I don't know where this is coming from. You have my deepest, most sincere apologies for whatever she's about to say."

Wake ignored her. "Anyway, Weiss asked me to watch over you because I am a licensed zoologist. I have studied a variety of wild animals, and the Faunus male is by far the most savagely cunning. This is an opportunity to observe you in your natural habitat and collect data. But be warned – whatever Faunig trickery you've got up your sleeves, it won't affect me."

"Uh-huh, sure," Sun said with a nod. "Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone else wanted to hang out, and maybe hit the gym or do some sparring?"

"Ooh, that'd be fun," Ruby said with a grin.

It faded when Wake slammed her hand on the table, getting all of their attention.

"Looking at the human girl is a beating," Wake declared. "Speaking to the human girl is a whipping. And touching the human girl? Now, that's a lynching."

"Look, you don't have to be so overprotective," Ruby argued. "Sun's a good guy."

"He's a Faunus, and therefore by definition is not a good guy," Wake said, crossing her arms. "If anything, he's a future ex-con."

Weiss turned to Jaune. "Dude, why do you date her? Even you have to know that this is going to absolutely destroy your reputation."

"Uh, excuse me, have you seen what she's packing in back?" Jaune asked. "You could bounce a quarter off that thing."

"That's a pretty shallow reason to date someone," Pyrrha offered. "Especially someone as openly racist as Wake is."

"I know, and I don't care," Jaune said. "Now, granted, even I have my limits, but I'm more than willing to put up with it for pussy this good."

"Pun intended, I presume?" Yang asked.

"Oh, naturally."

"I'm sorry, what was that?" Wake asked, turning towards Jaune. "Did you just make a cat-based pun?"

"Oh, it was just a crack towards Sienna Khan," Jaune commented.

Immediately, Wake's brow furrowed in disgust. "Blegh… Sienna Khan. Talk about the biggest Faunig in the world, right behind Adam Taurus. Truly, Jacques Schnee did nothing wrong."

"I'm his daughter and even I don't believe that, for very good reason," Weiss said.

"Oh, Weiss, your mind is simply being poisoned by the extensive monkey pheromones and the stench of rotten bananas peeling off our simian friend here," Wake commented.

Sun frowned, then lifted up his arm to sniff his armpit. "Is it really that bad?" he asked.

"No, it's just Wake being Wake," Ren said. "You're fine, man."

"Oh, hold on, I think that might be a little too complicated for him, Ren," Wake said. "You have to put it in terms he can understand." She cleared her throat, then turned towards Sun. "Ook. Ook, oook, ah ah ah ah."

Sun scowled. "Alright, I'm leaving."

"He's the leader of the bunch, you know him well."

"Yup, I'm gone. Ruby, you still down for that spar?"

"Sure, Sun," Ruby said, rising from her seat.

"Remember what I said!" Wake called out after them. "Sun, I know you're a Faunus and therefore have an IQ so low that you forget things just moments after they're said, but it's important that you keep your hands off that beautiful, precious little human girl if you don't want to find yourself in front of a jury!"

"A jury?" Yang echoed. "What is this, a murder trial?"

"It sure is, and he's already guilty," Wake declared. She fished around in her pocket, then pulled out a length of rope. "Look, I've got the noose ready to go and everything."

Ren, Nora, and Pyrrha looked over to Jaune, who hesitated before letting out a heavy sigh. "...Alright, yeah, maybe it's a bit too much."

"We must secure the existence of our people and a future for human children," Wake said.

Everyone turned to stare at him, and he did his best to sink as low into his chair as he possibly could, to no avail.

"Alright," Jaune said slowly. "What the fuck am I looking at?"

Wake gave him a look like he was stupid. "It's Thursday. You remember what Thursday is, right?"

"Yes, I remember – Thursday is your kink night, where you get to be as kinky as you want. Not like I could forget, since Friday is my kink night." He frowned. "But admittedly, even for you and your kinky side, this is..."

"Inspired?" she ventured.

"Not the word I would use." He motioned to the leash and collar being held in her right hand. "Am I correct in assuming that's for me?"

"What? No. Gods, no. No, it's for me."

His frown deepened. "Uh-huh. And the fake cat ears?"

"Also for me," Wake explained, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Jaune sighed tiredly, then pinched the bride of his nose. "Let me guess: you want to experience what it's like to be truly dominated, and can think of no better way than to role-play as a Faunus sex slave for a night. Am I understanding that correctly?"

"Wow, that was actually a good guess," Wake complimented.

"Not really, you just make it obvious." He shook his head. "Right, let's just get this over with."

"Truly?" Wake asked, surprised. "I thought you'd be more resistant to this."

Oh, he was. It was taking every fiber of his being to hold himself back from explaining that this fetish made zero sense given her distaste for Faunus, or how the fake cat ears didn't make sense given that she already had a set of very real cat ears on top of her head, or how she was once again incredibly racist towards her own race, if that was even possible. He wanted nothing more than to shout all of that out to her, but experience had taught him that doing so would be worse than useless, so at this point he was willing to go with it if only for the prospect of shutting her up.

Not by complying, mind you, but because he figured she'd have a very hard time spouting racial slurs against herself if she was busy gagging on his cock.

"Alright, let's just get this shit over with," Jaune said, his voice heavy with resignation.

Wake just grinned at him, and the knowledge that he was giving her exactly what she wanted weighed heavier on him than he expected it would.

Thursday night had been crazy, as expected, but if experience had taught him anything, it was that Wake was never short on insanity.

Unfortunately.

"Alright, so," Jaune began. "Would you like to explain why the rest of your team kicked you out for the night, or should I just assume the worst?"

Wake huffed, irritated. "I don't get it. Yang asked Weiss if the Dust mines have to get cleaned, and I answered that they do."

"Somehow, I doubt that was your full answer."

"I mean, no, but it's not like my actual answer makes much of a difference. After all, of course you have to clean the Dust mines, because how else are you supposed to get rid of the filth that gets deposited inside?"

Jaune sighed tiredly. "Alright, could we take a minute, please? Because this whole Faunus hate thing you're doing is starting to grate on me."

"Is that so, my beautiful human man?" Wake asked, giving him a seductive look. "Would you like a massage, perhaps? I know how much you like my massages."

"No, I don't think I would," he said. "But I appreciate the efforts to get me to stop looking into the root of the problem. It's not going to work, but still, at least you're showing some imagination for once."

"Can you really blame me for trying to brush this problem away the same way a Faunus miner brushes sweat off his forehead?" Wake asked. "These are obviously deep-seated complexes I hold, that are nonetheless entirely rational once you've been exposed to Faunus in the same way I have."

"Is this the part where I ask you to elaborate, and you give me some absolutely batshit story that makes no sense and explains nothing?" Jaune questioned.

"No, this is the part where I tell you about how I grew up as the only human on Menagerie, and everyone there thought I was a Faunus because of these stupid growths on top of my head," Wake said. "Seriously, who the hell wants to be a Faunus? There's nothing cool about them. They just waltz around acting like criminals and spreading their animal slime everywhere."

"Animal slime?" Jaune echoed.

Wake nodded. "Yes, animal slime. If you know, you know."

"Uh, sure. Whatever. Look, have you ever once considered that maybe, just maybe, you actually might be a Faunus?" Jaune asked. "Because, you know, there's a distinct possibility of that."

"That's ridiculous," Wake stated. "My bloodline is as pure as they come. Unless you're insinuating that my ancestor actually had an affair with his catgirl maid all those years ago, and that him doing so poisoned my family tree and reduced me to a life lived as a furry."

Jaune rubbed the back of his head. "Well, speaking as someone who's currently dating a person who looks an awful lot like a catgirl, I can say that putting a catgirl in a maid outfit makes a very compelling argument, at least to my boner, and I'm sure there are plenty of hot-blooded men out there who feel the same way, even with an obsession with so-called racial purity."

"That's ridiculous!" Wake said, sounding downright offended. "You would seriously suggest that someone who's as racially-conscious as my very human ancestors would willingly give that up for a catgirl in a maid outfit?"

"Look, all I'm saying is that even avowed racists get lonely and horny," Jaune pointed out. "And if it's between spending another night with your bare hand or spending a night with a cute girl in a maid outfit, well, at that point I don't think it matters how racially-conscious you claim to be. Especially not if the girl in question has a nice ass, which… well..." He motioned to Wake's rear. "At least, I assume that thing is genetic on some level. Good asses don't just come from nowhere."

"Well, you're right on at least one count," Wake admitted. "My ancestors did indeed have good asses. But they were not race-mixers! The very idea is preposterous." She shook her head. "No, my bloodline is pure human, second only to the Schnee family in terms of purity."

"Are you sure about that?" Jaune asked. "Because if anything, the Schnee family might be a little too pure. I'm pretty sure that you can't breed a semblance like that without at least a little bit of incest. How else do you explain the fact that they're the only family on Remnant to have a hereditary semblance? I guarantee that there's some inbreeding going on there."

"Well, Schnee women are all very attractive," Wake acknowledged. "Honestly, I don't blame the men. I'd absolutely let any of the three Schnee women currently alive take me for a night." She paused, then looked back at him. "With your permission and with you joining in as well, of course."

"I'm good, thanks," Jaune said. Immediately, he caught himself. "Actually, wait – I'm down if you're bound and gagged for the night."

"Why does that matter?" she asked.

"Because if I'm getting into a sick threesome with a Schnee family member, I definitely don't want to hear you extolling the virtues of whichever Schnee we're sleeping with that night," he said. "Because I totally know you'd be doing that, since your fixation on the family borders on obsession. I'm almost concerned that you're secretly stealing Weiss' panties and wearing them around. The only reason I know that you aren't currently doing that is because her panties are too small for you – there's no way you'd be able to cram your dump truck of an ass into Weiss' underwear."

"No, but that's no excuse for not trying," Wake said. "Thanks for the idea, boyfriend."

Jaune sighed, bringing a hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. "Gods damn it… why can't you just be normal for like five seconds? Is that really too much to ask? All I want is just five seconds of you not being racist, and you not being obsessed with Weiss or her family to creepy stalker levels. Can you do that for me?"

"No," Wake said, shaking her head. "I am racist to my bones, damn it. Someone has to be; these Faunus obviously aren't going to insult themselves. I wish they did, though – it'd make my job easier."

"Okay, seriously, you need to calm the fuck down," Jaune said. "You need to calm the fuck down and probably go apologize to a whole lot of people for being so racist towards them."

"Why should I apologize for being a racist?" Wake asked. "Has any Faunus ever apologized to me for making me one?"

"Not to my knowledge, no."

"Well, there you have it." Wake crossed her arms. "Mama didn't raise no loser, and I refuse to be the first one to concede this point. I will renounce my racist ways if and only if I receive a full statement of apology from Sienna Khan and Adam Taurus, in which they apologize in-depth for being such utter Faunigs. Until that happens, I will keep tossing out racial slurs like they're candy on Halloween night. Speaking of which, want to hear the ongoing list I've created?"

"No," Jaune said emphatically, though somehow he knew that it was coming regardless.

"...Finally, I'm partial to calling them Firewood, like they're fuel for Dust mines, though I'm also partial to referring to Faunus children as Tinder. Get it? Because they're like small bits of fuel."

"Okay, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Nora wondered.

"What's wrong with me is that I'm on a planet populated by subhumans," Wake stated.

"Was that supposed to be an insult?" Ren asked. "Because I'm pretty sure that Faunus are by definition subhumans. Like, they're not humans, but they look like humans. Therefore, they're subhumans."

"No, no, I'm pretty sure calling them subhuman is supposed to be a bad thing," Yang explained. "Because it makes them sound like they're inferior to humans."

"But that's wrong, though," Nora said. "Seriously, who wouldn't want to fuck a fox girl, or a cat girl, or a wolf girl? The ears and the tail just make her even cuter."

"Except for one," Pyrrha added. "But I don't think I need to say who."

"Unless you're Jaune," Ruby said.

Wake glared at her. "Uh, excuse me, but are you insinuating something?"

"If I say no, will you believe me?" Ruby asked.

"Normally no, but I can't bring myself to be mad with a fellow human. After all, we are all one race."

"Why does that sound so weird coming from an avowed racist?" Yang wondered.

"Look, none of this matters," Wake declared. "What does matter is that I've learned something terrifying."

"What would that be?" Jaune asked, even though he knew he was going to regret asking.

"Faunus genes are dominant," Wake said. "That means that whenever a Faunus and a human racemix, the resulting kid is going to be a Faunus. That is simply unacceptable. Normally I'd advocate for putting them all back in chains, but that's simply not realistic."

"Funny how agreeable that statement is on its face, but somehow I can tell that's not what you meant," Pyrrha said.

"Yeah, I've realized that with birthrates being what they are, Faunus are soon going to outnumber humans," Wake said glumly. "I mean, 'soon' is relative, but given demographic changes, in like a hundred years or so, there will officially be more Faunus than humans."

"What's the problem with that?" Yang asked. "More cute girls with animal ears and tails, after all."

"Silence, degenerate!" Wake hissed. "Don't make me mount you on a cross – the anti-masturbation cross, that is."

"What the hell is the anti-masturbation cross?" Ruby asked. "Is that the thing Jaune's parents had to put him in when he went through puberty?"

"What brought that statement on?" Jaune questioned.

"I mean, you and Wake have sex so often that I assume you kind of spent your early teenage years just spanking it all the time," Ruby said with a shrug. "Am I wrong?"

"...No, not really," Jaune admitted. "They didn't put me in the anti-masturbation cross, though. Whatever that is."

"Shame, you probably could have used it," Yang commented. "Maybe it would have stopped you from hooking up with Wake."

"Can we focus on the real issue at hand?" Wake asked. "Because I'm currently going through an existential crisis, knowing that the world is soon to be taken over by furries and racemixers in the next century or so."

"Oh, are you still talking?" Pyrrha questioned. "Sorry, I kind of tuned out the last couple of minutes. Your words tend to blend together into an amalgamation of ignorance and sheer idiocy, so I've learned to stop listening to them. Sorry… well, no, not really."

"Why even apologize if you're not actually sorry?" Wake said, putting a hand on her hip.

"It's Pyrrha, she's kind of known for inappropriate apologies," Nora said. "I once walked in on her masturbating and she apologized to me for it."

"Was it hot?" Yang asked.

"Exceptionally so."

"Again, can we focus?" Wake said. "Okay, right. Now, then – since demographics are not on my side, I've made a decision. I can see now that the only path forward to saving the world from the furry menace is for me to procreate and spread my genes. Therefore, consider this my announcement that I will soon be heavily pregnant with Jaune's child."

"Uh, can I just stop you there?" Jaune interrupted. "Right, okay. Yeah, uh, that's not happening. For one, I'm too young to be a father."

"No, you aren't," came Wake's response. "In fact, you're just the right age. I figure that I'll only be able to safely have children until I'm 40, right? I'm seventeen now. So, assuming nine months per pregnancy plus a few other months to recover from said pregnancy, and we'll figure a year per child before I'm ready to give birth again. So that still gives us twenty-three years, and therefore twenty-three children to work with. We'll assume something else comes up every now and again, of course, but even using that conservative estimate, I'd say that still leaves us with… hm… fifteen children. What do you think, Jaune?"

Jaune just stared at her in open-mouthed shock. So did everyone else. Not a single one of them knew what to think about it. For a few seconds, silence reigned, until Weiss spoke up.

"Alright, let me just get this straight," Weiss began. "Okay, so you're just coming outright with it and basically admitting that you really, really like the idea of being eternally barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen with Jaune's children for the next two decades or so, all to combat demographic replacement that may or may not actually be happening. Am I understanding that correctly?"

"More or less," Wake said.

"Okay, cool. Have I mentioned that I think you're certifiable? Because I think you're certifiable. Have you considered getting your head examined? Maybe even a lobotomy? It genuinely might help."

"Be nice," Jaune chastised. "I don't think it's fair to offer a lobotomy to someone who's already probably got brain problems."

"I think I'm perfectly sane, thank you very much," Wake said, crossing her arms. "After all, isn't it every girl's dream to have children?"

"Uh, no," Nora said. "I mean, most of them, sure. But all of them? No, not by a long shot. Yang's mom ought to be proof enough of that."

"Why do you have to bring that bitch up every time?" Yang whined. "Calling her a mother is an insult to mothers everywhere. She literally just shit me out and then ran off. Do you have any idea how much child support she owes my dad?"

"I've seen the statements, it's quite a lot," Ruby said with a nod.

"So yeah, I think that confirms that some people are just not fit to have children, period," Nora said. "Wake being one of them."

"What?!" Wake demanded, sounding downright scandalized. "I'd make a great mom!"

"No, you really wouldn't," Weiss argued. "You'd be like a female version of my dad."

"And what's wrong with that?"

"I mean, I would spell it out for you, but somehow I feel like you're not going to get it."

"It's not my fault that Jacques Schnee is a saint. And not the modern-day version of a saint, I mean, like, the Crusades version of a saint," Wake said. "The kind that doesn't become a martyr for his cause, but instead makes everyone on the other side a martyr for their cause."

"I thought you had to be martyred to be made a saint," Ren said. "Or is that just a big misunderstanding on my part?"

"What even is a saint, anyway?" Nora wondered. "Is that a thing that exists on Remnant, or is Wake just out here getting creative with her racial slurs again? Because if that's the case, I really want to know – I still haven't gotten over the phrase 'Dog-lovin' penis oven.'"

"Not my fault that it rolls off the tongue the same way sweat rolls off a child Faunus miner's forehead," Wake said.

"Didn't you already make that joke?" Jaune questioned.

"Yes, but I find it humorous, so I figured that it bears repeating."

"Do you have to be so casual about it, Jaune?" Pyrrha asked. "Because even you have to realize that this is at least ten different kinds of wrong."

"Oh, believe me, I do," Jaune said. "But that ass makes a compelling argument, as I've previously stated. Have I mentioned the quarter thing before? Because it's true – ask me how I know."

"I'll pass, thanks," Yang said. "Anyway, we should probably get used to this, because it's clear to me now that things aren't going to get any better, and are in fact just going to get worse. Hell, I half-expect to walk into the room one day and find Wake trying to exorcise the Faunus right out of some poor bastard."

"That's actually a brilliant idea," Wake said, bringing a hand up to her chin in thought. "Hm… I wonder what it would take to get it off the ground, though."

"Okay, no, as team leader, I'm vetoing this," Ruby declared. "Wake, if I come back to the room and it smells like incense, I'm disowning you from the team. You can go hang out with the other ignorant morons from Team CRDL or something."

"Do what you must, but I will do what is good for all humankind," Wake said. "Excuse me, I have to go set something up."

With that, she walked out of the room. Jaune couldn't help but shudder.

"Why do I feel as though we've just unleashed a great, unspeakable evil onto the world?" he wondered aloud.

It was a massive explosion that woke Jaune from his slumber. His eyes shot open and he came tumbling out of bed. Looking around, he found that he was both naked and that Wake wasn't in bed with him, both of which were generally bad signs where she was involved.

"Ah, shit," he said aloud. "Guys, I think we've got ourselves into some real shenanigans."

"Again?" Ren whined as he picked himself up. "This happens all the time. Can't we have, like, a week where this shit doesn't happen?"

"Hey," Nora said as she looked at Jaune's junk. "Nice cock, bro. Thick, but not too flaccid. Perfect length, a nice eighty-degree angle. I rate it an 8.5 outta ten, good job king."

"What's happening?" Pyrrha said groggily. "I just woke up to a massive explosion, only to find Jaune standing there naked and Nora standing there memeing. Is it Tuesday already?"

"Sunday, actually," Ren answered.

"Really? Wow, that's concerning – looks like the timeline is advancing. I wonder if this has anything to do with the Vytal Festival happening today."

"Wait, that was today?" Jaune asked. "Why does that feel convenient somehow?"

"I don't know," Nora answered as she scratched herself. "All I remember is Wake collectively getting the entirety of the first-year Beacon class banned from competing because she stole the mic and used it to read off a list of incredibly catchy yet also incredibly racist racial slurs, which for some reason nobody thought to stop, probably because Atlas is in charge of this whole thing and those guys are still in the stone age when it comes to race relations – that's the stone age as in they'll throw stones at you if you're in their city while being a Faunus, by the way. Not the literal stone age. Though you'd be forgiven for thinking it's the other way around; my joke was pretty clever, after all."

"Can we not do this, Nora?" Ren asked.

"To be fair, you have to have a pretty high IQ to understand my various Nora-isms," Nora continued, all while the others facepalmed.

"Alright, what the fuck is going on?" Jaune asked. "Should we even bother trying to fix this?"

Another explosion ripped through the campus, and he sighed, knowing he had just gotten his answer. "Alright, fine, I'll put my ass on the line for the good of humanity. Honestly, though, I'd appreciate it if humanity could return the favor at some point."

"That's a pretty tall order for humanity," Ren pointed out. "You'd probably have better luck with asking Faunuskind for that, though something tells me the Missus wouldn't be happy with it."

"Gee, you think?" Jaune shook his head. "Anyway, let's take bets – what are the odds on Wake being involved in this somehow?"

"Consider me all-in on black," Nora said, only to pause afterwards. "...Or white, I guess. 'Cuz, you know, her color scheme is all white and shit, since she loves Weiss so much. Funny how this is the first time it's come up in the last couple of days. I wonder if it means anything..."

"Why would it?" Pyrrha asked. "I mean, I don't really take time out of my day to describe how my friends look… well, to be generous with the definition of 'friend' in this case, that is. You all get the idea, I'm sure."

"Focus," Jaune implored. "Let's go find her."

"Do you at least want to put some pants on, dude?" Ren asked.

Jaune looked down to find his erection flapping in the breeze, but ultimately shrugged. "I mean, given me and Wake's proclivities, I'm pretty sure everyone's already seen it, anyway. Not like it matters."

"Suit yourself, man. Don't blame me when some Grimm bites it off."

"Uh, you can't bite steel," Jaune said, earning a roll of the eyes from everyone else. He grinned sheepishly. "Oh, come on, you set me up for that one. Anyway, let's go."

They all set off, and immediately upon stepping out of their dorm room, found that the campus was under assault by White Fang and Grimm, and that their super-awesome robot allies from Atlas had apparently turned on them.

"Huh," Pyrrha noted. "You know, the strangest part of this whole thing is that the robots turned on us. I figured that Atlas would have made sure to implement those laws of robotics into them or something."

"It's Atlas, they're like the mad scientist of kingdoms," Ren reminded her. "Anyway, should we help out? Because this looks pretty serious."

Again, Jaune shrugged. "Meh. I'm pretty sure we're all main characters, so it's not like any of us are under any threat."

"Are you sure about that?" Nora asked. "Because this would be an excellent time to kill someone off to up the stakes a bit. Of course, that just begs the question of who it's going to be."

"Well, I'll tell you who it's not going to be," Jaune said. "And that's Wake."

"Why?" Pyrrha questioned. "Because you won't let her die?"

"No, because she currently has Adam Taurus chained to the floor of the cafeteria, and is apparently performing an exorcism on him," Jaune pointed out.

They all turned their attention towards the cafeteria, and sure enough, Wake was there standing over Adam Taurus, waving a stick of incense around and chanting something in some strange language. Jaune rolled his eyes, then motioned for his team to follow him as he strolled over.

"So, babe," he said nonchalantly. "Whatcha got there?"

Wake paused speaking in tongues enough to turn towards Jaune, her face immediately lighting up when she saw him. "Hey, Jaune. As you can see, I have managed to capture Adam Taurus, and am now taking it upon myself to cast his Fauniggardry into the depths of hell where it belongs with the rest of the furries."

"Have I truly fallen this far?" Adam wondered. "Seriously, how the hell did this happen? I showed up and challenged Wake to a fight, and the next thing I know, I'm here. This feels like something that wasn't meant to happen, somehow."

"You wanna talk about it?" Ren offered.

Adam shrugged as best as he could with all the chains on him. "Eh. Just confused more than anything. It's like I collectively lost all my strategic fortitude and got my ass kicked by someone I had no business losing to. Feels like I went insane or something."

"Is it Volume 6 already?" Nora wondered.

"No, because people are still watching," Pyrrha pointed out. An arrow suddenly pierced through her chest, and she looked down at it in confusion. "Ow."

"You alright?" Nora asked.

"Not really. Remember me as I once was – alive and hot."

"I mean, it looks like you're being incinerated, so I'd say you're actually still pretty hot."

Pyrrha sighed tiredly. "You know, the arrow in my heart hurts, but not as bad as that pun did. Anyway, see you all in a few decades, assuming none of you die over the next couple of years to raise the stakes or anything."

With that, Pyrrha died. I'm not going to make a big deal out of it because anyone still crying about her death at this point is an enormous bitch. Get over it you fat pieces of shit, it's been like six or seven years by now. At this point, Arkos is a deader meme than the fucking troll face.

Anyway, with Pyrrha's plot-mandated death now out of the way, everyone focused on what was actually important, namely that Wake was currently trying to de-Faunus Adam Taurus.

"Oh, yes," Wake said with a nod. "There's powerful Furfaggotry here. Luckily, I've got a cure for that."

"What would that be?"

"Read, furry, read!" Wake shouted, as she held a Pochi doujin in front of his face. Adam screamed, thrashing around in his chains.

"Fuck! Not only is it not furry, but it's S/S!" he shouted. "I can't handle it! Someone get that thing away from me!"

"Alright, I'm putting a stop to this," Jaune declared. "S/S is going too far." He paused. "Wait a second, is that the one with the girl who's actually an eldritch abomination, specifically a Shub-Niggurath?"

"What other Pochi doujin would it be?" Wake asked. "That's like her most well-known work."

"...Give him one more."

Wake obliged, holding the doujin in front of Adam's face once more. Again, Adam let out a primal scream as his furry fetish was forcibly torn out of him by yet another couple of inches. It would have been sad if it was anything but Pochi, but it was hard to feel sympathy for someone whose taste was so shit that being forced to read Pochi caused their eyes to bleed.

After a few seconds, Wake pulled the book away, then turned back to Jaune. "Happy now?"

"I feel like I should be asking you that question," he answered. "But then again, I know you won't be happy until every last Faunus is genocided, just like what General Lagune did."

"For the last time, what General Lagune did wasn't genocide," Wake complained. "He only killed Faunus, so it was pesticide."

"You know, at this point, I can't even find the energy to argue this shit with you," Jaune said. "Seriously, Wake, look at yourself. You're torturing Adam Taurus with hentai in an attempt to banish the furry out of him. Does any part of this make sense?"

"It does to me," Wake responded. "The power of patrician taste compels you!" she shouted as she threw the book at Adam, who let out an ear-piercing screech in response. She turned back to Jaune. "I mean, it seems to be working."

"Yes, but at what cost?" Jaune asked.

"Is nobody else going to mention that the school is currently under attack by basically everyone?" Nora asked. "Like, Pyrrha dying is one thing, but seriously. Maybe show a little concern."

"Let it go, Nora," Ren implored. "Nothing to do here but sit back and watch the fireworks, I guess."

Nora shrugged. "If you say so. I certainly won't complain about it, so long as it doesn't kill me."

"With that established, we can focus on what's important," Jaune said. "Namely, that my girlfriend is fucking crazy."

"Yeah, crazy like a fox," Wake said. "Only in a non-Faunus manner."

"More like crazy like a cat, and absolutely in a Faunus manner," Jaune replied.

Wake glared at him. "Take that back!"

"I will not," Jaune countered. "Wake, seriously think about this. What makes more sense: that you're a human with an incredibly rare birth defect that just so happens to look, and that literally everyone else in your family has a similar but not exactly-the-same defect, or that you're just a very confused Faunus girl with a hateboner for your own species?"

"Reality is often stranger than fiction, you know," Wake said. "Now, unless you have a better option, I suggest you leave me to continue banishing the furry menace from the face of Remnant."

"Well, I do have one idea," Jaune said.

"And what would that be?" Wake challenged.

"Simple," Jaune said. "I'll get you pregnant, and then in nine months, if the baby has kitty ears just like you do, we'll know for certain if you're actually a Faunus or not."

"I'm sorry, what?" Adam of all people stated. "Dude, how the hell is that supposed to work? She's obviously just going to think that her kid has the same defect she does."

Ren and Nora exchanged a glance with each other. "Uh, why is Adam Taurus of all people talking sense?" Ren asked. "I mean, he's not nearly as psycho as some people think he is, but he's never exactly been sane."

"Did the entire FNDM collectively write this part?" Nora wondered.

"Look, it makes perfect sense," Jaune said. "Just trust me, guys. It'll work."

"I mean, if you're offering to bring more people into the world to counteract demographic decline, I'm down for it," Wake said. She eyed him up and down. "I can see you're already prepared, too."

"I'm surprised it took you this long to realize I was naked," Jaune said. "Actually, wait, no I'm not. Whatever, let's just do it already."

So they did it right there, in the middle of a destroyed Beacon filled with Grimm, furry terrorists, frenzied robots, and Pyrrha's ashes.

And naturally, nine months later, nature took its course.

"Wow," Jaune said as he held his new daughter. "She really does look just like you."

"Let me see," Wake insisted from her hospital bed. "Does she have the birth defect?"

"Of course she does, love. Everyone in your family does. And it's not a birth defect."

"Of course it is, otherwise why would she have it?"

"It's actually not," the doctor insisted. "We did a DNA test. It came back as Faunus. So did yours, for that matter."

"Damn it," Wake said. "Guess this means I have to read more Pochi."

And just like that, they all lived happily ever after.

"No, wait, stop," Nora insisted. "Are we really ending it like this?"

"What do you mean?" Jaune asked.

"This ending is a complete non-sequitur," Nora protested. "Because this is too much, even for us."

Ren put a hand on her shoulder, then solemnly shook his head. "Just give it a rest, Nora," he said. "It was always going to end this way."

"What, with Wake becoming a mom and begrudgingly admitting that she actually is everything she hates, but in a weirdly accepting way?" Nora asked.

"Yup."

Nora sighed tiredly. "You know, just this once, I'd like an ending that doesn't suck."

"And I'm sure with some other series that desire makes sense, but your weak link is… this is RWBY."

And there it is, what I believe will be the last of the Alters, but not the last of the Wild Cards. Real talk, this is probably my favorite of the four Alters, and one of my favorite chapters all-around. I honestly fell in love with the idea for this one as soon as I figured out what Blake Alter was supposed to be like – basically, she's just the Uncle Ruckus of Faunus. I kind of took that idea and ran with it, even including a few Uncle Ruckus quotes in here just to complete the joke. And the result was fucking great, at least I think so.

Like I said, this is probably the last you'll see of the Alters, but definitely not the last you'll see of the Wild Card chapters. I've got at least a few more of those in store, including one that's likely going to be the longest chapter in the entire fic (and no, it isn't going to be the finale, before you ask that – it's long purely because of the subject matter. I'm still debating how I want to do the finale once it comes to that, but I don't think I want it to be a Wild Card, and I don't think any of you want it to be a Wild Card, either.)

But yeah, that about wraps up this chapter. I think it kind of speaks for itself, really. I had a lot of fun writing it, and I hope you all had a lot of fun reading it, too. Speaking of fun chapters, the next one should be fun, too – it's an R63 that tons of you have been asking for, and I'm finally nutting up enough to deliver it. I hope you all enjoy it.

Next update: Saturday, November 27.