Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 55: Ironwood R63, or: It's Treason, Then
This was it. All of their planning since arriving at Atlas had led them here – staring down General Jane Ironwood at the top of her office in the academy.
"Give it up, Ironwood," Ruby demanded. "You can't win."
"That's where you're wrong," Ironwood said, her eyes narrowing dangerously. "You children couldn't possibly understand what it means to be General – the things I've had to do to get where I am now… the bodies I've buried to be here. If you all truly think I'll be undone by a bunch of academy dropouts, you've got another thing coming."
"What's your plan, then?" Weiss asked. "Because from where I'm standing, it's clear that it's over for you. Salem is closing in, and your forces are scattered. You don't even have the Relic."
"I don't have the Relic yet," Ironwood amended, her gaze traveling to Ruby's belt. "But I can see that you all were kind enough to bring it to me."
They all exchanged awkward glances with each other, then looked over to Ruby, who bristled beneath their gaze. "Oh, come on," she said. "I wasn't just gonna leave it."
"You didn't have to come with us, you know," Blake pointed out. "We could have, like, left you alone in a locked room with the Relic. That way there'd be absolutely no chance of it falling into someone's hands."
Ruby balked at the very idea of that. "What?! But then I'd miss the big, climactic battle! There's no way I can do that!"
"Why not?" Yang asked.
"Because I'm obviously the protagonist, duh!" Ruby said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Everybody knows that nothing on Remnant actually happens unless it's connected to me somehow, even if only by a thread. So obviously I have to be here, because if I wasn't, then nothing would happen."
"Ruby, have you been reading fairy tales again?" Yang asked, concerned. "You know those aren't good for you. There's a reason why Dad banned them years ago. Those things will rot your brain."
"I'm starting to think that it might already be too late for her," Weiss stated.
Ruby stuck her tongue out at Weiss, then looked back to Ironwood. "Anyway, that's not important right now! What is important right now is that we've finally come here to stop you once and for all, and there's nothing you can do to stop us!"
"You underestimate my power," Ironwood said.
Yang chuckled to herself. "Seriously? What do you have planned, then? Some hidden bomb, designed to blow us all to kingdom come? Maybe a beacon to broadcast our location to all of Salem's forces so they can interrupt our fight. No, wait, I've got it – you're going to reveal that you've kidnapped Zwei and are going to shoot him unless we hand over the Relic and leave."
"What the fuck?" Nora asked. "Where did that come from?"
"I mean, Ironwood is basically a Fed," Ren pointed out.
"Are you telling me that Ironwood is essentially the Remnant version of a gun jannie?" Nora questioned. "Because that… well, that actually makes a lot of sense, actually. All of you wait here, I have a foolproof plan to stop Ironwood once and for all."
"What would that be?" Blake deadpanned. "Does it involve pancakes?"
"No, it involves attaching a bunch of stocks and vertical foregrips to pistols, then posting them on the DustNet and tagging Ironwood in them," Nora explained. "She'll be so preoccupied with trying to shoot my dog and arrest me over stupid firearms laws that make no sense that the rest of you will be free to do what you actually need to do."
"That's completely stupid," Weiss argued.
"Is it? Watch this." Nora looked over to Ironwood, then cupped her hands around her mouth. "Hey, Ironpussy! I think I'm going to 3D print a drop-in auto sear for my rifle! What do you think of that?!"
"I think it sounds like twenty-five years in the slammer, that's what I think," Ironwood replied. "And don't try to distract me – I'll have you know that the military under my command are perfectly capable of hunting you down and detaining you quickly and easily."
"Wait, for real?" Yang said. "Are you being serious right now? Like, have you seen the shit going on outside, yet you're still over here arresting people for weapons violations that effect nobody?"
"Hey, I've got to justify this government funding somehow," Ironwood argued. "Either it all gets spent or my funding for next year gets cut. Can you blame me?"
"...Yes. Actually, not only yes, but hell yes. This is fucking stupid. I'm tempted to walk out of here and get some air, because it's just that stupid."
"Can we focus on what's important, please?" Jaune requested. "Because I'd like to remind everyone that there's a giant evil whale piloted by an insane Grimm monster girl lady heading straight for us, and that if we don't do something, we're all going to end up as human plankton."
"There's not a single word in that sentence that makes sense out-of-context, and the vast majority of them barely even make sense in-context," Weiss noted. "I can't help but wonder who comes up with this garbage, because it's getting stupider and stupider every passing day."
"Well, since Ruby is apparently the protagonist, maybe we should just blame her for it," Blake said.
"Oh, bite me," Ruby said, rolling her eyes. "I'm just a player on this stage, it's not my fault that it's written like trash."
"Wow, how convenient for you," Weiss deadpanned.
"Guys!" Jaune shouted. "Please, I-"
"You know, I have a question for you, Jaune," Ironwood said.
Jaune was taken aback. "Me? What are you talking about?"
"Answer me this," Ironwood said. "Why do you fight alongside these people?"
Jaune blinked, confused. "...Because they're my friends?"
"Are they?"
Jaune opened his mouth to respond, but caught himself, instead casting a glance back at his friends. Weiss, Ruby, and Blake were all arguing over who held the most responsibility for their world being terribly written, or something. Nora and Ren were busy cutting rifle barrels down to 15.9 inches instead of 16 inches, thereby making themselves felons. Yang had suddenly realized that her robot arm did, in fact, possess a vibration function, and was currently staring at it with a steadily-thickening blush on her face. Oscar was sitting in the corner sucking on a husk of corn (which is the best crop, by the way) and generally being useless, because Neo's nerf hadn't kicked in yet, so his one and only plot-mandated moment of awesome wasn't allowed to happen for a bit longer and he was really just trying to keep himself busy until it finally kicked in. Team SSSN and Team CFVY were off starring in shitty books that nobody read. Pyrrha was still dead, though honestly that was probably for the best, given the fact that everyone else had somehow turned from their original selves into giga-retards when he wasn't paying attention. Glynda was off being extremely hot somewhere, which was a shame… not because he felt robbed of some good character moments between her and Jane, but instead because there's no such thing as too much psychic MILF. Penny was off trying to become a real girl. Finally, Neo was off being the best girl somewhere by herself.
Sure, she was a villain, but come on. You would.
Slowly, Jaune turned back towards Jane, then cleared her throat. "...Alright, you may have a point, there."
"Then I'll sweeten the pot for you a bit," Jane said. "Come with me, and I can offer you something that nobody else can."
"What would that be?"
"I'll suck your dick."
Instantly, the entire room went dead silent, with everyone turning to look at her in surprise. "...Sorry, what?" Ruby asked. "Did you just try to get Jaune to turn traitor by offering him oral sex?"
"Yes," Ironwood said evenly. "Why?"
"Well… I mean, did you really think it would work? Even he isn't that desperate."
"On the contrary," Jane explained. "Think about it. His sole love interest died several years ago, and even before she died, they didn't get anywhere further than a brief kiss. He's had nobody but his hand since then. Meanwhile, look at all of you – you're all either in relationships of your own, or at least have some intense and thinly-veiled sexual tension between each other. Imagine how frustrating that must be for a teenage boy, especially one who's stuck in a profession where men die young. Not only that, but he's putting himself in increasingly dangerous situations for you idiots, thus increasing the chances that he'll die a virgin. Can you imagine that? Going through all that pain to save your friends, only to die without ever seeing pussy. It must be eating him up inside."
"That's ridiculous," Weiss said. "Jaune would never-"
Jaune immediately cut her off by tearing the Relic from Ruby's belt, then sprinting over to stand by Ironwood's side. Everyone stared at him in surprise as he offered it to her, and she accepted.
"I'm sorry, what?" Blake asked. "Seriously, even for us, this is kind of ridiculous. What the fuck just happened?"
"I wised up," Jaune stated. "You all should try it sometime."
"Jauney just sold us out for robo-pussy," Nora said glumly.
"Seriously," Ren said with a nod. "Bro, if you wanted to nail a robot girl so bad, we could have just hooked you up with Penny. She's like Ruby's own version of Yes-Man, so I'm pretty sure if Ruby asked her to be your own personal sexbot for a night, she'd be totally down for it."
"You don't understand," Jaune said emphatically. "My fetish isn't just robot girls… it's amputees, too. Where else am I going to find a girl who's not only part robot, but who is also an amputee?"
Slowly, everyone looked over to Yang. She sighed tiredly.
"Alright, fine, I'll fuck Jaune like once," she said resignedly. "Come here, Jaune."
"No," he said.
"What? Dude, come on. I'm here and willing to let you use me sexually if it gets us the Relic back and stops you from being a little whiny baby. So hurry up and sleep with me, already."
"I refuse," he said. "Your heart's not in it. I can tell just from looking at you that you'd fuck like a dead fish."
"Untrue," Ruby said. "Yang fucks like a tiger when she's properly motivated."
"How would you know that?" Nora questioned.
"Uh, I lived with her in a dorm room for like a year," Ruby pointed out.
"I wasn't aware that she was bringing people over to the dorm," Ren stated.
"She doesn't, but let's just say that her masturbation sessions can get really intense," Ruby replied. "Seriously, she almost gives Blake a run for her money."
"What do you mean, 'almost' gives Blake a run for her money?" Weiss asked. "Because Yang is infinitely louder than Blake is."
"Yeah, but Blake is way, way kinkier," Ruby said. "I mean, haven't you ever woken up to find her sucking on your boobs-" She immediately paused, her gaze traveling to Weiss' chest. "Oh. Uh, sorry."
"Wow, real mature," Weiss said, rolling her eyes. "Haven't heard that one before."
"I'd certainly hope not, because the idea of Blake waking you up by sucking on your breasts is kind of disturbing," Ren pointed out. "You guys are fucking weird. I'm glad I have a normal girlfriend like Nora."
"Hey Ren, which do you think will piss the Fed Bois off more – an unregistered machine gun, or filling their entire email inbox with Baneposting again?" Nora asked.
Everyone stared at Ren, and he stared back. "Oh, come on," he said. "It's perfectly normal to want to piss off the Fed Bois. All they do is sit on their fat asses, collect a huge paycheck on the taxpayer's dime, and prosecute people for victimless crimes. It's telling that local police don't like them."
"Can we focus, please?" Jaune asked.
"What are we focusing on?" Yang questioned.
"Well, I'm focusing on getting my dick sucked… or trying to get it sucked, anyway. I don't what you all are focusing on. Probably something stupid, as usual."
"Dude, you're literally trying to get our enemy to choke on your schlong, all while a giant, evil whale races towards the city to vore us all," Blake pointed out. "This is far, far beyond the pot calling the kettle black. You're essentially just screaming the N-word at kitchenware right now."
"What's the N-word?" Nora asked. "I thought we only had the FN-word here."
"There's a joke about guns in there somewhere, but I'm not quite sure what it is," Ren commented. "Anyway, Jaune has a point, despite the fact that he's also an idiot. Consider this one of his broken clock moments, I guess. The point is that we all really should be focusing on what's important, and-" He paused. "Jaune, where's Ironwood?"
"Under her desk, gagging on my dick," Jaune reported. "Honestly, I'm surprised you guys didn't notice sooner. Me and her had a deal, after all."
"That's not saying much, considering it's Ironwood," Weiss said, crossing her arms. "I'd sooner make a deal with Salem than Ironwood at this point. At least with Salem, I know to expect the backstab."
"Point taken, but in this case, I'll be stabbing her in the back… side. Uh, instead of the other way around. Get it? Like it's anal sex?"
"Boo!" Yang shouted.
Jaune shrugged. "Oh, sorry my pun game isn't on-point. I'm a little too busy asphyxiating Ironwood with my giant gorilla cock."
"That doesn't make sense," Blake reported. "Statistically, gorillas have some of the smallest penis-size-to-body-size ratios in the animal kingdom. You basically just admitted that you've got a small dick. So, I have to ask – how small is it, Jaune? Is it the size of this walnut, except way smaller?"
"Somebody stop her before this conversation derails even harder," Weiss said with a sigh.
"On it!" Ruby said. She then immediately hooked her scythe around Blake's neck and hurled her through the nearest glass window, which shattered on impact and sent her plummeting to the ground below.
"Welp, she's dead," Ren acknowledged.
"Oh, damn it," Yang said. "She had my character for the rest of the series in her pocket. Now what am I supposed to do? Just stand around and act pretty?"
"Yang, have you seen your outfit?" Weiss asked. "You can't even do that anymore."
"Shit, you're right." Yang brought a hand up to her chin in thought. "Man, this is hard. I can't even be a useless piece of shit as my new character, because Oscar already exists."
"Shouldn't we be concerned?" Nora asked. "Ruby just hurled Blake out the window. A fall like that will kill her."
"It's fine," Ruby said, waving her off. "Because-"
"Ruby, I swear to the Gods, if you say that it's fine because cats always land on their feet, you're going out the window next," Yang threatened.
Immediately, Ruby quieted down. Yang looked very pleased with herself. She then turned to Nora. "Anyway, she'll be fine, because cats always land on their feet."
"What?!" Ruby demanded. "Why is it okay when you do it, but not me?!"
"Uh, because puns are my character, duh," Yang pointed out, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Are they, though?" Weiss wondered. "From what I can remember, you made like one pun right before the food fight."
"That's enough for some people, you know," Nora explained. "Coming up with compelling characters and interesting dialogue is hard. It's much easier to latch on to one or two traits and run them into the ground."
"Is that why Cinder is always portrayed as some Machiavellian mastermind of a villain when she's actually just a power-obsessed incompetent retard who only wins because everyone else is an even bigger and more incompetent retard?" Ruby asked. "Or did I just answer my own question?"
"Speaking of questions, I have one," Ren interrupted. "Why are we still standing here, arguing among ourselves when we could just rush down Ironwood mid-fellatio, capture her and Jaune, and then cut Jaune's balls off for betraying us for poon so callously?"
"You know, that's a good question," Jaune said as he zipped his pants up and dusted himself off. "I was wondering about, myself. I mean, it'd be one thing if you were all at least trying to use talk-no-jutsu on me or something, but you couldn't even do that right. It's no wonder Cinder wins all the time. If this is the best the world can offer, hell, maybe we fucking deserve Salem."
"That's going a little too far," Ruby accused.
"Oh, is it? Let's be frank, here – if there are more people out there like you lot, they're probably too stupid to live. Killing them is a mercy at that point. Isn't that right, Weiss?"
Slowly, everyone turned towards Weiss, who hesitated. "...I mean, before now I wouldn't have paid you any mind, but the more time I spend listening to these morons next to me, the more sense you're making. Why are you making so much sense? You're Jaune, you're not supposed to make sense."
"I have the power of anime and post-nut clarity on my side," Jaune said. "Anyway, you could always defect to the winning team, Weiss."
"Unfortunately, no," Ironwood announced as she wiped her mouth on her sleeve and rose up from beneath the table. "Team Jaunewood is no longer accepting defectors. That window closed when you threw a cat Faunus through my expensive window."
"One window opens, and another one closes," Jaune mused. "It's like poetry – it rhymes."
"Eugh." Weiss shuddered. "On second thought, I take my defection back."
"Too late, we don't want you anymore," Yang said, crossing her arms.
"Well, you're stuck with me, so too bad."
"Hey, that can be your character," Ruby pointed out. "We can ship you with Weiss now that Blake got thrown out a window by somebody – not pointing any fingers or saying who, by the way – and likely died."
"Were it so easy," Nora said, shaking her head.
"Yeah, we all know she's totally still alive," Ren stated. "I wonder what she's doing right now. I mean, she can't brood now that Adam Taurus is a hundred-and-ten percent dead, and that was like her entire character."
"You know, all this talk of Blake falling from the tower reminds me of something," Jaune said.
"Oh, really?" Yang asked. "What would that be?"
"Look down and tell me."
They all looked down only to find out that they had been standing on a poorly-disguised trap door this entire time. Slowly, they all looked back towards Jaune, their faces hardening.
"Okay," Ruby began. "Admittedly, I feel a lot worse about our odds of beating Salem than I did before."
"Bye, guys," Jaune said, reaching for a lever mounted on a nearby wall. "See you next fall."
"That was my line, you son of a bitch!" Yang shouted as he pulled the lever and the trap door opened, sending all of his former friends plummeting to the ground below. Jaune watched them go, then took his hand off the lever and turned back to Ironwood.
"So, you down to fuck?" he asked.
"I thought you'd never ask," she replied.
"Alright, so this is a problem, clearly," Jaune said as he stared out the window at the rapidly-approaching, gigantic Grimm whale. "So, what's the plan, here?"
Jane Ironwood rolled her eyes at him. "Honestly, you could stand to have a little faith in me," she protested.
"Uh, excuse me, but at no point did I bring up a lack of faith," Jaune pointed out. "I think you're projecting."
"No, but you definitely implied it," Ironwood replied. "Anyway, less bickering and more coming up with solutions. After all, you didn't betray your friends and join up with me for nothing."
That much was true – that is, he didn't join up for nothing. After all, good pussy was about as far from 'nothing' as something could possibly get, and Jane had no shortage of good pussy.
You laugh, but just think about it. That thing had to have some hydraulics built into it or something, because it was tight. It was definitely worth betraying his friends over, especially since nothing bad had even happened to them, they just got fell off the tower and kicked out of Atlas while he stayed with Jane.
"Oh yes, that reminds me," Ironwood said absentmindedly as she examined the nails on her non-robot hand. "What should we do about your friends?"
"I thought we already established that during one of our breaks in-between continuous back-to-back rounds of coitus," Jaune answered. "If I remember correctly, the plan was to let them run themselves ragged trying to stop Salem, because there was literally no downside to doing that. The worst case scenario was that they failed at it and died, and even then it would just leave us in the same exact spot we're in now. On the other hand, they could always succeed in blowing up the giant whale through another power one of them pulls out of their ass, because apparently we all decided to make that our calling card after the thing with Ruby's eyes. I mean, think about it – even if they manage to beat the whale and delay Salem, they'll all still be incredibly weakened by the end of it, no doubt, making them easy prey for us and the Ace Ops to swoop in and catch them off-guard, then easily take them down and arrest them with little to no danger to ourselves or the people of Atlas."
"Yeah, but I have one big issue with that plan," Ironwood said.
"Oh, yeah? And what would that be? Because from where I'm standing, it seems like a pretty solid plan."
"My issue is that I paid for all of Atlas' weapons, so I'm gonna use all of Atlas' weapons," Ironwood said. Before Jaune could stop her, she keyed her comms system. "Air Force Red Team, check in."
"Red One, standing by."
"Red Two, standing by."
"Red Shirt, standing by."
"Red Baron, standing by."
"Ellis Redding, standing by."
"Red Canis, standing by."
"Lightish-Red, standing by."
Jane grinned. "Good, you're all here and accounted for. Anyway, proceed with plan, Codename: Extra Crispy."
She ended the call, and Jaune frowned. "Why does that plan sound incredibly ominous and unhelpful?" he wondered. "Honey, are you pulling an Ozpin right now?"
"Maybe," Jane answered. "Only I'm doing it better than Ozpin, because I'm not trapped inside a twelve-year-old."
"I'm pretty sure Oscar is at least sixteen, otherwise he couldn't be forcibly shipped with Ruby against the wishes of literally everyone."
Jane waved him off. "Eh, who cares. Let's just sit back and watch the fireworks."
"Fireworks?" Jaune asked, though he only had a second to wonder what was going on before a squadron of fighters came swooping in from overhead, and then an entire section of Mantle was wiped off the face of the map. He jumped in surprise. "Ozpin's beard, woman! What did you do?!"
"I took care of our little problem with your friends," Jane said as she watched that particular portion of Mantle burn in the night. "Safe to say, I don't think they'll be bothering us again any time soon."
Jaune blinked in surprise. "...You can't be serious," he deadpanned. "That was your plan to get rid of them? Just dump a whole fucking payload of Fire Dust on Mantle and hope you got them?!"
"Of course. I mean, it worked, didn't it?"
"No, it most certainly did not work! Have you gone mad with power or something?"
"No, I've gone happy with power," Ironwood replied. "Approximately zero percent of me is mad about this outcome. That part of Mantle always was a particular eyesore, anyway. I consider it a worthy sacrifice if it means taking care of all the traitors in our midst."
"How do you even know they're dead?" Jaune demanded. "Because they might not have even been there, you know. For all you know, they could've pulled some last-minute bullshit teleportation power out of their ass and teleported somewhere far, far away."
"Don't be ridiculous," Ironwood rebuked. "They were there, I just know it. And now they're not, I just know it. End of story."
Jaune stared at her for a moment. "...You totally just wanted to drop a shit-ton of military-grade firebombs on something, and Mantle was just the closest target. Am I correct in saying that?"
"More than you'd think, but less than you'd hope."
"That's not-" He sighed. "...Okay, whatever. What's done is done, I guess. Might as well hold my tongue when it comes to asking things like if you even bothered to think about the alternatives, or if there was some less-destructive way to go about doing this, or if the people of Mantle meant anything to you in the first place, or even if those explosives would have been better off being used against the enormous, fuckoff-huge whale that's coming to eat us all… I'm just going to pretend like those questions never even crossed my mind, because something tells me that you're far past the point of caring."
"'Children suckin' on a mother's tit,'" Jane sang. "'Traitors down in a Mantle pit. SDC Chemical doesn't give a shit. Fire Dust sticks to kids.'"
Jaune sighed tiredly. "Yeah, I thought so. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to go find the Ace Ops and see if we can't brainstorm a way out of the colossal goatfuck we've found ourselves in."
He turned and went to leave, only for Jane to stop him with a hand on his shoulder.
"And where do you think you're going?" she demanded, raising an eyebrow.
He blinked. "...Uh, I'm pretty sure I just explained that. I'm going to go find the Ace Ops and-"
"Yes, I heard you the first time. It was a rhetorical question."
"Then why ask it if you don't want me to answer it?"
"That's not important right now. What is important right now is that all this traitor-incinerating made me extra horny. I want to know what you're going to do about it."
"Do I get a choice in this matter?"
"No."
"Then consider my decision made, I guess. With any luck, maybe a little fuckfest will get my thoughts going, and I can figure out a way to let us all avoid becoming whale food."
Predictably, that didn't happen. But at least the sex was nice.
When Jaune awoke the next morning, it was to Jane pulling on her uniform, loudly cussing the whole time.
"Jane?" he asked, groggily propping himself up against the bedframe. "What are you doing up? It's not even five AM yet."
"The traitors escaped," Jane stated. "I don't how they managed to do it, but they did. Clearly, they're craftier than I thought – I thought for sure that incinerating a good portion of Mantle would kill them. It turns out that they weren't even in Mantle, they were actually here, right under my nose."
"Ah," Jaune said. Idly, he brought one hand up to scratch himself. "So, what now?"
"I think that should be obvious," Jane declared.
"...No, not really. I mean, unless you plan to firebomb Atlas-"
"Don't be stupid," Jane chastised. "Obviously, that will never work."
"Oh, good," Jaune said, breathing a sigh of relief. "For a moment there, I was afraid I was going to have to talk you out of doing something absolutely crazy."
"No, my plan is a lot subtler," Jane said proudly. "I'm going to leave the Relic in a clearly-visible spot. Then, when they come to get it, I'm going to have the Ace Ops ambush them."
Jaune gave her a blank stare. "Seriously?" he deadpanned. "That's the best you can come up with?"
"Unfortunately, yes," Jane said, slumping over a bit out of disappointment. "I kind of used up all the Fire Dust we had with that little stunt yesterday. It was fun and all, and it really helped take my mind off the Grimm lady coming to devour us, but the lack of future explosions really put a damper on things. This is the best I could come up with after a night of sex. What do you think?"
"It's awful," Jaune said. "Sorry, but it is. No, you have to do something a bit more intense or otherwise smarter than that to capture them."
"Like what?" Jane asked.
Jaune thought for a moment. "Well..."
Yang let out a loud holler as her hoverbike tore across the snow-filled wasteland in front of her. Sure, Mantle being blown to high hell really sucked, but at least there were these awesome ruins to ride through now. Besides, it wasn't like anyone actually cared about Mantle all that much, so it was fine.
She abruptly stopped when she came to an intersection, her eyes narrowing at a sign that was placed conspicuously in front of her.
"Left for free hair spray," she read out. "Right for Grimm."
She sighed, shaking her head. "Alright, someone is obviously desperate. This has a Jaune plan written all over it. Should've known that betraying us for cyborg pussy wouldn't do much to bolster his tactics at all."
She grinned, then looked up at the sky and cleared her throat. "Oh, no!" she said. "Someone has enticed me with the promise of free hair spray! Why, there's no way I could possibly resist that! I guess I'd better go left!"
She waited a moment, then shook her head tiredly. "Idiots… can't believe they actually thought that would work."
With that, she powered up her bike once more, then took off down the right path, leaving a cloud of snow behind her. After a few seconds, the roar of her engine faded off into the distance, and Jaune and Jane dug themselves out of the snowy foxhole they had concealed themselves in.
"You know, when you first tossed out this plan, I didn't think it would involve me actually venturing out into the snow," Jane said, shivering. "Sure, I live in Atlas and all, but I haven't actually had to go outside since SERE school."
"That's nice, but we should really focus on what's important," Jaune pointed out. "Namely, that she went right."
"For real?" Jane complained. "Damn it. It took me ages to wrangle up all the hair spray I could find and bring it down here. Now what do we do?"
"We wait," Jaune said. "She was dumb enough to go down the path that was clearly labeled as being full of Grimm. Give it a moment, and I'm sure-"
He was cut off by the roar of an approaching engine, accompanied by a loud scream and several dozen bestial roars. Jane and Jaune exchanged quick looks with each other, then made a dive for the side of the road, with Jane unholstering her revolver. Sure enough, Yang came tearing ass down the road just a few seconds later, which was all the opportunity that Jane needed to empty her gun into Yang's bike. The bike immediately came to a stop, and Jaune and Jane were on her immediately, their respective weapons leveled at her head.
"Grimm or us," Jaune declared. "Which would you prefer?"
Yang glared at him, but at the same time, Jaune could tell she was accepting her fate. He couldn't help but feel a little bit proud of himself as Jane slapped some aura-canceling handcuffs on Yang, and the two of them began to drag her back to Atlas.
"Your one-liner could have been better, you know," Jane chastised. "Still, that doesn't change the fact that your plan somehow worked."
"Oh, ye of little faith," Jaune said. Yang said something, but he couldn't tell what it was through the gag keeping her quiet. "Shut up, Yang. No longer will you torment me with your horrible puns."
Yang rolled her eyes, and Jaune grinned widely. It was nice to be the top dog for once.
The door to Ironwood's makeshift prison opened, and Jaune went to throw Yang inside… only to pause once he took a look at what the cell contained.
"Hey, Jane?" he asked.
"Yes, Jaune?" she said.
"Why are the rest of my ex-friends here?" he questioned. "I thought we'd only managed to get Yang so far, and that the rest were still wandering around Atlas causing problems for us."
Jane waved him off. "Oh, they were all pretty easy to catch. I just used Penny."
"You used Penny?" Jaune asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yup. I hacked into Penny and used her amazingly-dangerous killbot powers to capture the rest of them pretty quickly. I assume now you want to know how I managed to do it?"
"Uh… yeah, that'd be nice."
"Well, Penny is the first fully-artificial person to walk across Remnant." Ironwood paused. "...Okay, the first fully-artificial, fully-mechanical person to walk across Remnant. Pretty sure someone could make an argument that Ozpin and Salem are technically artificial people. Failing that, someone could make the obvious racist quip that Faunus are just artificial people."
"Oh, now you care about being racist towards Faunus?" Blake demanded. "You didn't seem to care when you razed a quarter of Mantle to the ground with an airstrike a day ago."
"There's not a racist bone in my body," Ironwood countered. "I'll have you know that I incinerate everyone equally. Not my fault that so many Faunus decided to live in Mantle, nor is it my fault that they burn so good."
"How the hell did you manage to hack Penny, anyway?" Ruby asked. "I would have figured that Pietro would have made her systems pretty fool-proof."
"Like I said, Penny is the first fully-artificial, fully-mechanical person to walk across Remnant," Ironwood explained. "Naturally, that means her systems are still pretty rudimentary, and have a lot of security flaws. To put it simply: Penny's systems are buggier than Klendathu. Not only did I hack into her and reprogram her to capture all of you, but I also installed Doom on her OS, reprogrammed her eyeballs to double as flashlights, and started using her systems to mine for Ethereum."
"Wait, you're using Penny's processors to mine crypto?" Nora asked, horrified. "Geez, you really do like to set people on fire."
"Thanks, I try." Ironwood looked back to Jaune. "Does that answer your question?"
"Yes, but it raises so many others," Jaune stated, somewhat disturbed. He shook his head. "Anyway, I suppose it's not important. What is important is that we've got Yang here, so that means we've won. So… now what?"
Ironwood immediately paused. "...I don't know," she admitted. "I didn't think I'd actually get this far. My whole existence since the White Fang showed up has basically been nothing but losing. It's a wonder I even made General in the first place."
"Well, that's certainly a revelation that came too little, too late," Weiss observed.
"Oh, shut up," Ironwood countered. "At least I admit that I'm incompetent and just phoning it in while hoping things somehow work out for me."
"Which shouldn't have even worked, by the way," Ruby commented. "Seriously, that makes no sense. How did you pull that off?"
"Oh, it's all in the semblance," Ironwood said. "My semblance, Mettle, makes me super-sure of myself. It basically convinces me that I'm always right and everyone else is always wrong."
"Damn, and I thought Qrow's semblance was bad," Ren observed. "But you've literally got Dunning-Kruger as your semblance. That shit's basically less than useless, if you think about it – sure, it got you here as General… but on the other hand, it got you here as General, which must really suck. What's it like inside your head, if I may ask? I imagine you've basically got constant schizophrenia or something."
"At this point, I've learned not to question it," Ironwood explained. "The voice in my head combined with my cybernetic body basically makes me the closest thing Remnant has to an actual Terminator, if we don't count Penny, which I don't because Penny has to be the worst Terminator to have ever been built. Seriously, she didn't even kill any of you, she just captured you all and brought you here. Killbots just aren't what they used to be."
"Not since the sequel, at least," Nora said. "It was still a good movie, though."
"Oh, absolutely. Better than the first, too. Though I still prefer the first even though I'll readily admit that it's a slightly inferior film – I like the not-so-subtle horror inspirations, plus the 80s aesthetic."
"Sorry to interrupt whatever this is, but I have an important question," Jaune said. "Why didn't you tell me you captured all my friends? I spent the whole way back from the Atlesian wilderness trying to brainstorm ways to get them all back here, yet now you're telling me that was a waste of energy."
"Correct," Ironwood said with a nod.
"Care to explain why?"
"It's simple, Jaune – I could never trust information this sensitive to a traitor."
"What are you talking about?" Jaune questioned. "I betrayed them for you."
"Yes, but it's the same concept as dating a cheater – if they'll on someone for you, then they'll cheat on you for someone else. The same thing applies with traitors – if they'll betray someone for you, then they'll betray you for someone else. It's just a fact of life, Jaune."
"Well, you don't seem to care that I'm a traitor when I'm going down on your robo-pussy," Jaune pointed out.
"Even traitors have their uses," Ironwood countered. "Besides, being a traitor doesn't mean you're a bad person, or even that you're my enemy. It just means that I have to be careful around you, lest I be taken advantage of and fall victim to one of your many treasonous schemes."
"What do you mean, you've had to be careful around me?" Jaune asked. "Should I be concerned?"
"That depends entirely on how you feel about the Ace Ops and Winter," Ironwood said. "I may or may not have had them following us around, keeping an eye on you this entire time to make sure you didn't pull a Revolver Ocelot and betray me for absolutely no reason… or at least what seems to be absolutely no reason, at least until the sequel comes along in a few years and retcons that to be more complicated than it ever needed to be. Also, I think there are nanomachines or something involved at some point?"
"Alzheimer's getting to you, granny?" Ruby quipped.
"No, I just never owned the console that game came on," Ironwood explained. "But I did watch it on DustTube. And no, I don't feel bad about it – that game has like ten hours of cutscenes in it. It's basically a movie."
"Okay, fine, whatever," Jaune said, throwing his hands up in frustration. "So, I betrayed my friends for poon, only to find out that the owner of said poon doesn't even trust me and has been not-so-subtly spying on me ever since I turned traitor yesterday. Not only that, but Oscar is still alive."
"Oh hey, it's my turn to be relevant," Oscar said from his spot in the corner. "Is Neo here yet?"
"Sorry, bud," Ruby said, patting him on the head as he pouted. "You'll get your time to piss the fans off sometime in the future."
"Are you sure?" Oscar asked, hopeful.
"Of course I'm sure. I mean, everyone here has pissed the fans off at one point or another. Trust me, with a track record like that, your time is bound to come eventually."
"That aside, it's clear to me that today has been pretty shit all-around," Jaune lamented. "I mean, really. How could things possibly get any worse at this point?"
As if on cue, the wall next to him suddenly exploded, and Salem came striding in.
"Ozpin," she declared as she walked into the room. "I have come for-"
She paused, looking around the room. Her gaze landed on Jaune and Ironwood, then on the Relics hanging from Ironwood's belt, and then on Jaune's friends who were still locked in the cage. She blinked, surprised.
"...Okay, clearly I've interrupted something," she said slowly.
"Gee, what gave you that idea?" Nora asked, coughing from the smoke that had filled the room. "Alright, someone explain to me what's up with villains and dramatic entrances. Would it kill you people to just use the fucking door for once?"
Salem didn't respond, instead looking over to Ironwood. "You," she said. "Hand over the Relics."
"No," Ironwood said. "They're my Relics and I get to pick how their infinite power is used."
"Don't be foolish. I could kill you with just a flick of my finger. Now, unless you want to end up as a red smear on the wall, I suggest you give me those Relics."
"Okay, before this devolves into a big drawn-out fight scene, can we pause for a moment?" Ruby asked. "Sorry; I know this is a bad time, but there's something I've been dying to ask."
"Well, since my victory is all but assured now that you're all fighting amongst yourselves, I suppose there's no harm in indulging you," Salem mused. "Ask away."
"What are you trying to accomplish, anyway?" Ruby questioned. "Like, seriously, it's been almost eight volumes and we still don't really know what you want. If you're trying to kill off mankind, why do all this stuff? Why not just sit back and hurl waves of Grimm at every big stronghold until they're rubble, then hunt down the survivors with your legions of Grimm? Or, hell, with the way things are going, you could just wait for us to blow each other to smithereens."
"Well, I was honestly kind of hoping there'd be some kind of big fight at the hand," Salem said, putting a hand on her hip. "I mean, what good is wiping out humanity if it isn't done in a dramatic, flashy way, with a lot of stylistic flair? An apocalypse ought to be exciting and have plenty of pizzazz, if you ask me."
"Whatever you say, lady," Jaune said. He turned to Ironwood. "So, what now? Salem is here and wants the Relics."
"How am I supposed to know?" Ironwood asked. "I never factored this into my simulations. I always kind of figured that I'd lose to Ruby and her friends, and that she'd find a way to stop Salem. Why else do you think I remarked that I didn't think I'd make it this far when we first beat them yesterday? It was because I literally didn't think we'd get this far, I thought for sure we'd lose due to some bullshit reason."
"Probably not that far-off, honestly," Blake agreed. "You should have seen what happened to the last guy who tried to challenge us. He took two halves of his own sword to his chest and back, then a waterfall to the face. He's not just super-dead, he's turbo dead."
"Anyway, the point is that none of us could have ever predicted this happening, so it's clearly not my fault," Ironwood said. "If anything, this is your fault, Jaune."
"My fault?" Jaune echoed, surprised. "How the hell is this my fault?!"
"Well, you betrayed your friends and let me win. If you hadn't done that, I would have lost, and Ruby and her friends would have pulled some miracle out of their asses to stop Salem. Unless any of you happen to have a miracle?"
"Not until the end of the volume," Oscar stated.
"Well, that figures." Ironwood turned back to Jaune. "Well, guess that seals it, then. We're all dead."
"I… wouldn't be so sure about that," Salem said hesitantly. "Admittedly, it amuses me to see you've all turned on each other like this, but… well… it's just not sporting, killing you all right now when you're like this. There's no challenge to it; it's like shooting fish in a barrel, or making fun of Weiss for being flat on both sides – sure, you can do it, but it's low-hanging fruit. It's like picking on someone who's literally got Down Syndrome by calling them a retard – you're not wrong, per se, but it is in very bad taste."
"Are you calling us retarded?" Ruby asked.
"Your words, not mine," Salem replied. "Anyway, I'm just going to leave you all to it, I suppose. Hopefully when our paths cross again, you're all in a much more sporting situation, so I can really enjoy defeating you."
With that, Salem turned and left. Everyone watched her go for a moment before Ironwood let out a low chuckle.
"Wow," she said. "I can't believe that actually worked."
"Oh, shut up," Ruby said, rolling her eyes. "You did not plan that."
"Yes, I did," Ironwood countered. "I absolutely knew that Salem wouldn't want to kill us because it wasn't sporting. My semblance told me I was right, so I'm right. GG no re."
"That doesn't even make sense!"
Jaune just sighed, shaking his head as he listened to everyone bicker amongst themselves.
"I wonder if a fall from this height would be enough to kill me?" he mused, looking out the hole in the tower Salem had made as they all argued behind him.
Here's that Ironwood R63 chapter you've all wanted for the past like year or so. It's a little behind schedule, but at least it's finally here. And hey, it's not set at Beacon for once! What a nice change of pace after like 50 chapters or so of being set in Beacon.
Now, i know what you're thinking - now that I've done Ironwood, you're probably expecting the Ace Ops. To tell you the truth, I'm still thinking about them. I'm certainly open to the idea, but past that, I'm still considering how I want it done. Give it some time, I'll come up with something for them, though it might just be for Elm and Harriet. The rest didn't really stick out to me enough to make an impact.
Anyway, next up on the list is someone else who's been requested for awhile. It might be a bit of a shorter chapter, because she's a bit character to begin with and there wasn't much to work with, but I'll certainly try my best. The chapter after that one should make up for it though, because it'll be the longest chapter in the entire fic, at least so far. I'm looking forward to that one in particular, it ought to be a good time.
Next update: Saturday, December 11.