Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 56: Arslan, or: This One Was Overdue (It Isn't Pyrrha Tho)

Sometimes, Jaune had to just stop and wonder how he got so lucky. Somehow, he had gotten into Beacon. Somehow, he had made himself some absolutely fantastic friends along the way. But most of all, he had somehow stumbled into a relationship with a girl who was everything he wasn't. Arslan was an absolute Amazon of a woman, if ever there was one – she was tall, dark, muscular, and extremely attractive. He still wasn't sure how the two of them had even managed to start this relationship in the first place.

And until now, he also hadn't been sure if there were any strings attached, but now he knew. And he hated it.

"Why did you bring me here?" Jaune asked.

"What do you mean?" Arslan replied, sounding almost offended. "It's just a gym."

Jaune blinked in surprise, then looked around. If this was what the average gym was like, then he was probably better off just forgetting his childhood dreams of being a muscled-up hero.

"Spot me, bro!"

"LIGHTWEIGHT, BABY! AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A PEANUT!"

"You mirin' brah?"

"What's up guys, Derek, More Cope More Rope dot com, and today we're going to be analyzing Joe Rogan's supraphysiological HGH doses and why they make him look like complete shit with his shirt off."

"Lol small back."

Next to him, Arlsan frowned. "I just don't understand why you're not enthusiastic to be here. I thought you said you wanted to get fit."

"I do, honestly," Jaune admitted. "It's just that I didn't expect the people here to be quite so… larger-than-life, I guess."

"What do you mean?" Arslan asked. "These are my people."

"OOOUUUUGHH, EPH," exclaimed a very large man as he began his first rep of Zercher shrugs across the room. "WHEIP WHEIP, WHEIP WHEIP, WHEIP WHEIP. AHHHHHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, ÀHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh."

Jaune just stared at her as the man's weight came clattering to the floor, and Arslan let out a reluctant sigh. "...Alright, so it's a bit more in-depth than your standard World Exercise gym-"

"You're kidding, right?" Jaune asked, incredulous. "The majority of these guys look like they're not allowed within ten miles of World Exercise, except for that one guy who looks like he doesn't even lift who's been on the leg press the entire time we've been here."

"Wait, really?" Arslan turned towards the leg press machine, her eyes narrowing when she saw that Jaune was right. "There's one of those guys in every fucking gym, I swear..." She shook her head, then turned back to him. "Still, you may have a point. I suppose, for the time being, we can start at Beacon's gym… but just know that you're probably killing your gains by doing that since their exercise equipment sucks."

"That still confuses me, by the way," Jaune interjected. "You'd think they'd want their students to go to the gym and get strong."

"It makes perfect sense, actually," Arslan said. "Clearly, Ozpin is just a cheap bastard who doesn't really care about any of you."

"Normally I'd try to argue in favor of Ozpin, but honestly, he hasn't exactly inspired much confidence lately," Jaune admitted. "Ever since he let in that asshole team from Haven, they've just been wrecking shit all over the place, and he doesn't do anything to stop it. Speaking of which, who are those people, anyway?"

"How should I know?" Arslan asked.

"Well, I mean, you're from Haven, and they're from Haven, so..."

"Just because I'm from Haven doesn't mean I know everyone from Haven, you know," Arslan pointed out.

"I'm aware, but come on. Those four make such a scene wherever they go that I'm convinced you have to know at least a little about them."

"I'll be honest: I've never seen them before in my life. I have no idea who they are."

"...Doesn't that concern you a little bit? What if they're villains who managed to worm their way into the school for some nefarious purpose?"

"That's ridiculous, Jaune. Have a little faith in my headmaster, would you?"

"Forgive me if faith in headmasters is a bit hard to come by these days."

Arslan rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Let's just go back to Beacon."

Jaune didn't argue, since he caught a glimpse of the large man from earlier taping plates to his already-filled barbell and figured that whatever was about to happen, that he didn't want to be around to see it.

Jaune stared at his lunch, despondent. His disappointment must have been palpable, because Arslan was quick to interject.

"Eat your food, Jaune," she said. "It's good for you."

"I know, that's why it's causing me so much pain," Jaune stated. "It's literally just chicken, rice, and broccoli."

"You said you wanted to get fit. Well, this is part of getting fit. Eat up, man."

"You know, you didn't tell me until now that getting fit would require me to actually sacrifice something," Jaune said, crossing his arms. "Namely, my enjoyment of food."

"Quit being a baby," Arslan replied. "You can still eat all the stuff you enjoyed before, just in smaller quantities."

"Right, but what's the point of eating like shit if I can't go all the way with it? Look at Ruby, she's got the right idea."

Across the table, Ruby paused, a chocolate cookie already halfway to her mouth. She grinned sheepishly at him as she stuffed the entire cookie in. Jaune frowned as he watched her chew it, knowing that Arslan was almost certainly going to interfere if he asked for one.

Oh, and also that Ruby would probably try to kill him if he asked for one, because she was very territorial when it came to her sugar-filled, diabetes-inducing, obesity-causing foods of choice. Come to think of it, so was Nora.

Man, I really am friends with a bunch of absolute weirdos, Jaune realized as he watched Ruby finish off the rest of her cookies in a matter of seconds.

"Look, the point is that nothing in life is free, Jaune," Arslan insisted. "Looking good involves lots of time in the gym, sure, but a good body is mostly made in the kitchen."

"Or not in the kitchen, as the case may be," Blake interjected. "I mean, since I guess the idea is to lose fat, and all."

"You'd think, but that's not entirely true," Arslan explained. "Moderating how much you eat is important, sure, but you also have to actually, you know, eat. You can't build a good body on a starvation diet."

"Okay, pause," Ren began. "Is this what we're doing today? Talking about fitness?"

"Sure sounds like it," Pyrrha answered. "Why? Is there something wrong with that?"

"Well, I mean… no offense to all you fitness junkies out there, but this is fucking boring. Like, for real. Think about all the crazy bullshit that goes on here on a daily basis. Hell, just the other day, we basically set off a food nuke in the cafeteria and made Glynda clean it up for us. Yet, today, we're… talking about fitness."

"What's the problem with that?" Yang asked. "Some of us like talking about fitness."

"Yeah, well, most people don't."

"Probably because most people are in fucking terrible shape. I guarantee they'd care more about fitness if they actually tried it for once."

"I mean, in their defense, fitness is pretty boring," Weiss added. "Seriously, think about it. You all go to the gym for hours at a time, where you do nothing but pick up and put down heavy weights over and over again. Then, after you're done with that, you run in place for like a half-hour, then go home. Not to knock on your lifestyle or anything, but seriously. Most of us find that kind of thing to be very monotonous."

"Yeah, monotonously awesome," Yang countered. "Looking good takes discipline, you know."

"You can keep your discipline, and I'll keep my candy bars," Jaune said.

"No you won't," Arslan interrupted. "You told me that you wanted to look good, so I'm going to hold you to it."

"What if I want to change my mind?"

"There's no changing your mind in fitness," Arslan said. "And I'll tell you why – because any boyfriend of mine has to be involved in my super-fit lifestyle. If he doesn't want to be involved with my super-fit lifestyle, I'll consider that to mean that he wants to break up with me. And if he breaks up with me… well, I'd be very upset."

"Ooh," Nora commented. "Looks like Jauney's dating a yandere."

"Not quite that upset," Arslan hastily added. "Upset meaning that I'd probably cry a lot and go to the gym for a few extra hours, possibly crying in-between sets."

"Geez, you gym people are weird," Ruby said.

"Careful what you say, Ruby," Yang reminded her. "After all, me and Dad are basically gym rats."

"Yeah, and that explains a lot about why the family is so messed-up."

"…Alright, that's fair."

"You know, the way you worded that is vaguely threatening, Arslan." Jaune pointed out. "It's basically 'come to the gym with me or the relationship is over.'"

"I mean, yes, but actually no," Arslan said. "The relationship is only over if you want it to be over."

"You literally just said that the relationship was over if I didn't go to the gym with you."

"Yeah, but the only reason why you wouldn't want to go to the gym and lift heavy weights with me is if you wanted the relationship to be over in the first place. So yeah, it'd totally be on you."

"Damn, dude," Nora said. "Looks like you got yourself into quite the situation, Jaune."

"I'm not surprised, really," Ren acknowledged. "I mean, think about it. Whenever wacky shenanigans go down, they always seem to involve Jaune. It's almost like he's the protagonist or something."

"What? That's stupid," Ruby said. "I get into way more wacky shenanigans than Jaune does. If anyone's the protagonist, it's me."

"I guess you can both be protagonists," Blake acknowledged. "I mean, if you all want to be the main character so bad, you can take my main character slot. I'd much rather be a background character."

"Any particular reason why?" Weiss wondered.

"Simple: because main characters always have a ton of baggage attached to them. There's always some big, traumatic backstory, and some dangerous situation they get involved in. Meanwhile, what do side characters get? Well, they generally just have to look good, and occasionally they get a day in the limelight."

"And that appeals to you?" Yang asked.

"Gee, would I rather find myself involved in mortal peril all the time, or would I rather keep my head down and just read or something without issue until it's my time to shine?" Blake asked, sarcastic. "Gee, I don't know, Yang."

"Well, that's too bad," Yang said. "Because, last I checked, you're my partner, and since I'm definitely a main character, I'm bringing you along for the ride."

"And if I refuse?"

"Then the relationship is over."

"Huh, this sounds familiar, for some reason," Jaune deadpanned. "One of you answer me seriously – is this just a thing that happens in relationships? One person offers a really shitty ultimatum that the other person has to begrudgingly accept, otherwise it's over?"

"Pretty much," Weiss said with a shrug. "At least, that's what marriage seems to mean in my family. Granted, I come from a household that's almost hilariously abusive and neglectful, so maybe I'm not completely unbiased here."

"Speak for yourself," Blake interjected. "My parents have a great relationship, at least from what I remember."

"How great are we talking?" Ruby asked.

"Really great. Basically, my dad tries to relax all the time, then my mom comes down and informs him that it's time for his 4 PM penis flattening, to which he begrudgingly accepts."

"You're not helping your case, you know," Jaune pointed out.

"What are you talking about? Those are relationship goals, right there."

"On second thought, you can have your side character slot, Blake," Yang said. "Suddenly, I think I want to end this relationship."

"Look, I'm just going to come right out and say it," Ren stated. "This sucks. Like, it really sucks. Seriously, this is the best we can come up with? I know we're better than this."

"What are you talking about?" Jaune asked. "For once, I'm happy that nothing stupid and/or crazy is happening. I quite like my somewhat-quiet life with my hot girlfriend who likes me… even if she's intent on dragging me to the gym against my will, for reasons that are still unclear to me."

"I imagine it's probably some BDSM thing where she gets off on inflicting pain on you, only she's dressing it up as going to the gym," Pyrrha stated. Everyone turned to look at her with surprise, and she shrugged. "What? I'm just spelling out what looks obvious to me. Why else would she be so intent on making him get fit?"

"...Are you feeling okay, Pyrrha?" Ruby asked. "Usually you're way more thirsty than this."

"Seriously," Blake agreed. "I was really expecting you to make some comment like 'Gods, I wish that was me' when Jaune started talking to Arslan all sexy-like, or maybe to say something like 'Imagine the smell' when Jaune was talking about him in the gym."

Pyrrha huffed, annoyed. "Oh, come on. Yes, I'll admit that I was thirsty for him in the past, but I'm not desperate. I know when to fold 'em and go after someone else."

"I wasn't aware you had someone else in mind," Weiss said. "I'm almost afraid to ask who it is."

"If you must know, it's that tall dark-haired girl from Haven."

"The one that nobody from Haven recognizes?" Jaune asked, surprised. "You have a thing for her?"

"Uh, have you seen her? She's absolutely smoking. I can't help it if I want her to dominate me while wearing my clothes. I just think she'd look really, really hot in them."

"Why does this entire exchange somehow feel extremely wrong?" Nora wondered.

"That's a weird fetish, Pyrrha, but okay," Jaune said. He turned back to everyone else. "Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I quite like my quiet life, and I'd like to keep the quiet life going. So I don't want anybody to do anything super-crazy, otherwise I'll be very upset."

"Don't worry, Jaune," Ruby said with a friendly, reassuring grin. "We'll do our best to keep things from getting too weird. You can count on us!"

"Ruby, what the hell is this?!" Jaune asked. "I thought you said I could trust you!"

"You can," Ruby said. "We're doing this for your own good."

"What part of my own good involves thousands of lien of Halloween candy and other assorted sweets?!"

That wasn't an exaggeration – Ruby and Nora were currently striding into the dorm room, both of them lugging comically oversized sacks of the sweetest, sugariest foods that Vale had to offer. He knew that shenanigans were afoot, because they clearly were, but the only question was what, exactly, those shenanigans were going to be.

"Think about it," Nora implored. "We know that dieting has been difficult for you, so we decided you deserved a break."

"...You know, I appreciate the thought, but you know I can't do that," Jaune said. "Arslan will kill me… in the gym. Do you have any idea the kind of circuits she puts me through already? I'd hate to find out what kind of exercises she'd have me doing if I ate… sorry, what do you have in there, again?"

"Well, we've obviously got all the Halloween candy," Ruby began, counting off on her fingers as she listed things off. "But we've also got some of those really nice cookies from the really expensive bakery downtown, and a bunch of those churros from that one nice Vacuan man in the park, plus an absolute butt-ton of ice cream."

As if on cue, Ruby's bag tore, spilling Halloween candy across the floor… as well as a tiny girl with ice cream-themed hair. Her clothes and mouth were stained with different varieties of ice cream, and she was passed out, very obviously in a food coma. Everyone stared at her for a moment, then looked back to Jaune.

"...Well, that's not the ice cream we intended to get, but as long as things are getting crazy, I'm sure Arslan wouldn't mind a three-way for once," Nora offered.

"No," Jaune deadpanned. "Can you get rid of this girl?"

"You got it, dude," Ruby said. She dropped what was left of her oversized bag, then picked up the ice cream girl and threw her out a nearby window. Jaune stared in surprise as she looked back at him.

"What?" she asked. "Do I have ice cream on me?"

"No, just… I didn't expect you to be that cold-hearted," Jaune said.

"Well, she did almost kill Yang back on the train," Ruby answered.

"Wait, she did?" Nora asked, surprised. "...Then why did you throw her out the window instead of arresting her while she was passed out?"

"I thought about it, but honestly, I couldn't bring myself to do it," Ruby admitted. "She's just my type. I did slip a piece of paper with my number on it into her pocket, though."

"Geez, and we thought Pyrrha was the thirsty one." Jaune shook his head. "Anyway, you're going to have to explain this one to me. So, your guys' plan was to put a bunch of junk food into my room… and also to apparently coerce that ice cream girl and Arslan into a three-way with me, somehow; by the way, still not sure how that's supposed to to work given that Ruby is apparently trying to ask her out at the same time, but to be fair, nobody ever accused you two of being the smartest people in the school… for what, exactly?"

"Well, it's simple," Nora observed. "We're trying to convince Arslan to back off and join the rest of us junk food enjoyers on the bright side."

"Right, but for what purpose?" Jaune couldn't help but question. "Because I've been around for some of you guys' other shenanigans, and they never end well. I like to think you've all learned that lesson since that time you all tried to covertly get pictures and video of Professor Goodwitch while she was taking a shower."

"Totally worth it, by the way," Ruby interjected.

"I mean, I won't argue that, but still. Multiple life sentences of detention has to sting at least a little bit."

"It sure does, but those shots we managed to get of her keep me company at night enough to kill the pain."

"Fair enough, I guess. Anyway, all I'm saying is that I like to think I'm genre-savvy enough to know that whatever you're doing is going to end in disaster for everybody, with me somehow getting the worst of it, so I'd really prefer if you didn't do whatever you're about to do."

"Well, that's a problem," Nora stated.

"What do you mean?" Jaune asked.

"Think about it, dude. Do you really think we'd have left even the slightest chance that you could have stopped us? We already did it twenty minutes ago."

"What?!" Jaune asked, horrified.

"Oh, yeah, this is just the last of it," Ruby said, motioning towards the sacks of sweets that her and Nora were lugging around with them. "Arslan's been in there for like twenty minutes now."

"Out of the way!" Jaune announced, pushing past them and into the room.

What he found inside… well, he wasn't sure where to begin. Ruby and Nora had laid out tables upon tables of junk food. It was all there – greasy burgers, pizzas, fried chicken… you name the unhealthy, artery-clogging food, and it was there. As if that wasn't enough, they had also put up shelves along the walls, which were lined with sweets.

And in the center of it all, Arslan stood, staring unflinchingly at everything laid out in front of her, her expression blank and unreadable.

"Uh, Arslan?" Jaune asked, taking a tentative step towards her. "Are you feeling okay, love?"

He reached out and gently put a hand on her shoulder, and that seemed to wake her from her trance. She blinked, then turned away from the food and towards him, rubbing her eyes as she did so.

"Jaune…?" she asked aloud. "What happened…? The last I remember was Ruby and Nora saying you wanted to meet me here, and then stepping through the door, and… and… I can't recall what happened after that." She paused, looking around the room, only to then abruptly look down at the floor in shame.

"You alright?" Jaune asked, concerned.

"F-fine!" Arslan said, a bit too forcefully. "Just… just realized that I've gotta get to the gym!"

"But we already went to the gym today," Jaune reminded her. "We had sex in your dorm's shower afterwards and everything."

"Of course! Haha, how could I forget?!" Arslan forced a smile. "Just… I suddenly feel a need to do an additional round of full-body exercise! You know, just because I feel like it! Man, I love being a fitness freak! Don't you? Don't you?!"

"Arslan, you're scaring me," Jaune said.

"Don't worry your pretty little head, Jaune! I'll see you later!"

With that, she took off running. Jaune watched her go, then shook his head. He stepped out into the hall, only to find Ruby and Nora staring after her in shock. Jaune cleared his throat, and they turned towards him in surprise.

"...Alright, I'll be the first to say it," Ruby announced. "This may have been a mistake."

"Oh, really?" Jaune asked, sarcastic. "What gave you that idea? Was it maybe my girlfriend high-tailing it out of the room over to the gym?"

"You know, your sarcasm hurts, Jaune."

"Oh, fuck off. How much of that garbage did she eat, anyway? I figure that if she went sprinting to the gym like that, then she must have absolutely gorged herself."

"That's where you're wrong," Nora said, peering into the room. "She didn't touch even a single crumb of any of the food in there. Looks like she just stared at it all for like twenty minutes."

"Okay, then why did she run off to the gym?" Jaune asked.

"You don't get it, do you?" Ruby asked. "She's clearly trying to resist the urge to consume massive quantities of junk food by sheer willpower alone."

"What's so bad about that?"

"Simple: willpower runs out eventually. And I fear that when it does, we may have just made things a hell of a lot worse."

"How could it possibly be worse than this?" Jaune questioned. "Answer me seriously, please."

"Unfortunately, I don't think either of us really know at this point," Nora answered. "Arslan is… something else. Most health nuts I know would have completely given up the moment the scent of those burgers hit their nostrils. The fact that she didn't is… worrying."

"For real," Ruby said with a nod. "Sorry about this, Jaune. I'm afraid that we just made life a whole lot more difficult for you."

"I'm scared to ask what you mean by that," Jaune said.

"You should be," Nora said ominously. "You. Should. Be."

It was the chirping of birds that awoke Jaune. Groggily, he cracked one eye open, only for both of them to fly open the moment he realized he wasn't in his dorm room. He looked around, confused. Someone had apparently taken his entire bed, with him still in it, and had carried it out to the middle of the Emerald Forest.

"What the fuck…?" he asked aloud.

"Jaune."

Arslan's voice caught his attention, but not in the way that he enjoyed. A chill went down his spine when he heard her say it. Slowly, he turned around, and was stunned by what he saw.

"Arslan…?"

It was definitely her, there was no mistaking that, but she had changed. For one, her usual calm, level-headed demeanor was gone, if the wild look in her eyes was any indication. For another, she was completely naked. On a hunch, Jaune looked down, and found that he was also completely naked. He swallowed nervously, then looked back towards her.

"Alright," he began. "What's going on here?"

"I can't take it anymore," Arslan breathed. "I need it, Jaune."

"Need what?"

"I need… the junk food."

"What." Jaune's eye twitched. "Let me get this straight – you dragged me and my bed out to the middle of the forest, stripped us both naked, and are acting completely psycho… because you want to eat junk food?"

"You don't understand." Arslan shook her head. "I've been eating clean for years. But I'm finally tired of it. Just this once, I am prepared to throw it all away in the name of reckless debauchery. And I want you to show me how."

"Just one question," Jaune said. "Why are we naked?"

"Why wouldn't we be naked?"

Well, he couldn't argue with that, he supposed. "Okay, fine. What's the plan, then?"

"Simple." Arslan stretched her arms out. "I have recovered all of the food that Ruby and Nora left behind the other day. It is all sitting in the middle of the forest, waiting to be eaten. I am going to consume massive quantities of it while having wild sex with you, because what's the point of a legendary cheat day if I can't also get laid during it?"

Again, he couldn't argue with that logic. "Alright, whatever you say. What's the-"

Arslan suddenly paused, standing up straight. "I sense a disturbance," she announced. She began sniffing the air, her eyes narrowing. "Grimm."

"Grimm?!" Jaune said. "Shit, what are we supposed to do about Grimm?! We're naked and unarmed!"

"Not to worry, I have a plan," Arslan assured him. "No Grimm are going to come between me and my legendary cheat day. Stand aside."

"I'm already standing aside. In fact, I'm nowhere near you. You don't have to be so dramatic."

"Oh, shut up," Arslan said, rolling her eyes. She peered through the forest, her eyes suddenly going wide. "Wait, they're not after us, they're after my food!"

"Oh, good," Jaune said, breathing a sigh of relief. "That means we can-"

"Not today, you motherfuckers!" Arslan screamed, taking off through the underbrush. "You can eat as many people as you want, but if you touch those double-bacon cheeseburgers, I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you!"

"You don't have the part for that!" Jaune shouted, only to wince when he heard a series of explosions tear through the forest. He allowed himself a moment to both wonder what was exploding and weigh the pros and cons of running after her before finally deciding that he'd never hear the end of it if he stayed behind, and taking off hot on her trail.

He found her not too far away, in the middle of a clearing. True to her word, she had indeed dragged all of Ruby and Nora's food out into the forest and set it up. While impressive for a one-woman operation, what was even more impressive was that Arslan was currently fending off an entire horde of Grimm all by herself, by throwing fireballs at them of all things.

"Burn!" Arslan shouted. "Burn! If it's a choice between regular and extra crispy, I want you extra crispy!"

"What the fuck is going on?!" Jaune shouted over her maniacal laughter as she roasted a whole pack of Beowolves. "Is that your semblance?! How the fuck are you throwing fireballs, of all things?!"

"Don't worry about it, dude!" Arslan shouted. "Hadouken!"

Jaune winced as she threw a series of even more fireballs, some of which missed and caught several trees on fire. Still, he couldn't deny that they were quite effective, as the entirety of the Grimm horde had been completely reduced to cinders. He stared, awestruck, at the smoldering piles of what had once been Grimm, but it only last for a moment before Arslan approached him.

"Well, that was fun," she said. "Now then, time to get down to business. How should we start?"

"Maybe we should start with extinguishing the forest fire you just started," Jaune pointed out.

"Nah, it'll be fine. I say we start with that plate of chocolate-covered cherries."

"Okay, whatever you say. How many were you planning to eat?"

"Eat?" she echoed. "You kidding? Those things are going straight into my ass while you plow me."

"...I'm already incredibly disturbed," Jaune said, shuddering. "This is going to get a lot worse, isn't it?"

Arslan just grinned at him.

"-And that was the point where I started to realize that I had made a mistake by just going along with it," Jaune said. "I mean, not that I had much of a choice in the matter. When your super-horny girlfriend is giving you bedroom eyes while riding you cowgirl style while chugging a root beer float and the forest around you burns to a crisp, well, you kind of have to weigh your priorities. Plus, I figured that once I stopped, there was going to be hell to pay for the destruction we'd caused, so I figured I might as well get my rocks off first, no matter how weird it got."

Everyone just stared at him, dumbstruck. They were all silent for a moment before Weiss shook her head and cleared her throat.

"Yes, well..." she began. "I am sufficiently disturbed. How about the rest of you?"

"Ditto," Ren said.

Nora shuddered. "You two have perverted the good name of junk food. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves."

"Oh, I'm sure I will be," Jaune agreed. "The post-nut clarity just hasn't quite hit yet. Give it another day or two and I'm sure I'll feel the need to instinctively call my parents and apologize for sullying the good Arc family name."

"If you guys are quite finished," Weiss began. "I'd like to take the time to appreciate the fact that, in the grand scheme of things, this was actually quite tame."

"How so?" Pyrrha asked.

"Well, nobody died, for one… yet, at least. I honestly half-expected Arslan to eat somebody or something. I'm glad things haven't gotten too intense."

"Hey, it can't always be off-the-wall crazy," Nora interjected. "Even though I really, really want it to be."

"Well, too bad," Ren said. "I think we can all do with a little bit of normalcy. Don't ask me why, but I just feel like we're due for it."

Ruby pouted. "Does it have to be this boring, though?"

"Unfortunately," Blake said dryly. "At least nothing bad happened."

Pyrrha opened her mouth to respond, only to suddenly burst into flames. Everyone stared at her as she burned, but she didn't seem bothered by it.

"...You good, Pyrrha?" Yang asked.

Pyrrha shrugged. "Not really, but whatever. I suppose it had to happen at some point." She looked up at the sky, her eyes narrowing. "Just you wait. One day it'll be my time in the spotlight, and I'll make sure it doesn't come easy for you."

"Who are you talking to?" Yang questioned.

"Some drunk asshole with a computer."

"Well, I suppose weirder things have happened," Jaune remarked, doing his best to ignore the smell of burning flesh.

"Hey, it smells like chicken," Arslan remarked.

"Alright, no, I'm drawing a line there," Pyrrha declared. "Sorry, but this chapter is over. We're not going there."

With that, Pyrrha pushed her semblance into overdrive, successfully causing the author's computer to short-circuit before things could get too bad.

If only we could be so lucky all of the time.

Here's that Arslan chapter I mentioned like a year ago. Arslan was fucking hard, dude. I had to pull out all the stops with this one. But it's fine.

Anyway, I'm going to keep this AN brief because I have to go to work today. Here's the highlight version of it: The next chapter will be the longest one in the entire fic and it will be a Wild Card, guess correctly to die instantly; I will be taking a short hiatus after the next chapter to catch up on chapters, and also try to get them a bit more focused on the pairing, because I feel like I've pushed the pairings to the side in favor of banter, and I'd like to change that; by my estimate, there are maybe less than 10 chapters left, though that's subject to change if inspiration happens to strike, but you probably shouldn't get your hopes up since I kinda want to move on to something else; finally, I'm going to be pretty busy until the end of the year, so if I take a bit longer than usual to respond to any reviews/messages, know that I'm not ignoring you, I'm just at work.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to work. See you all later.

Next update: Saturday, December 25.