Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 58: Kaiyang Xiao Long (Taiyang R63), or: Laying the (Elder) Dragon
"Any luck yet?" Ren asked as the two of them sat down at the table.
Jaune sighed tiredly, then shook his head. "No, of course not. Why would I have any luck? Look at me."
"Don't sell yourself short, man," Nora said. "You're a great catch. You've just gotta wait for someone to come along and realize it."
Jaune frowned, but couldn't find it in him to actually argue with her. This was how it'd been going for the past few weeks – he'd been desperate to try and find a date to the dance once it became clear that Weiss would rather chew broken glass than go out with him, and had therefore taken it upon himself to actually try asking girls out like a normal person instead of trying the frankly bizarre shit he'd been doing to try and entice Weiss.
And naturally, it hadn't fucking worked. He was quickly learning that there was one universal truth when it came to dating, and that was that it really fucking sucked.
With the dance creeping ever closer and him getting increasingly desperate, he had finally decided to throw in the towel and go with the one place full of people equally as desperate as him: the world of online dating.
Of course, like everything he did, it had been a complete disaster at first, mainly because nobody bothered to tell him which sites were for hookups and which sites were for people who wanted something more than just getting their dick wet. But after a few stumbling blocks involving girls so cock-crazy that even he in his horny teenaged desperation knew better than to take the plunge, he had finally settled onto a site that seemed good for him.
And it had gone so terribly ever since then that part of him actually missed the crazy girls.
Seriously, after weeks of swiping right and sending messages, trying desperately to get someone to respond, he'd still gotten nothing. Nada. Zilch. Less than zero, considering he'd even paid for premium. It was actually embarrassing.
His friends could sense that he was troubled, too – they were all giving him a look like his dog had just died or something.
"Hey, man," Yang offered. "Maybe back off a little bit? You're not doing yourself any favors, fussing over it like this."
"Easy for you to say," Jaune muttered.
"Look, online dating isn't the place for you," she explained. "You're not bad-looking at all, but those things are basically online meat markets for desperate, horny people, even the sites that claim they aren't for one-night stands. I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but unless you're a male model with tons of game, you're either getting nothing or you're stuck banging fat chicks."
"Yang," Weiss chastised.
"What? We're all girls, here – you all know I'm right." She crossed her arms. "Honestly, online dating sucks for everybody who isn't willing to debase themselves for sex. Have some pride in yourself, get off the app, and meet people in real life for once – you'll feel a lot better."
"Tried that," Jaune lamented. "It didn't go any better."
"Because you're desperate," Weiss pointed out. "People can sense that a mile away. And trust me, desperation reflects poorly on anyone."
"I'm open to suggestions, then," Jaune said.
"Have you tried doing social things and meeting people through those?" Blake asked. "Seriously, you've been doing nothing but cold approaching for weeks, and it's gotten you nowhere. Join a hobby group or something, at least then you'll have a shared interest to help get your foot in the door."
"And that doesn't include video games and anime," Ruby added. "When people tell you to meet people through a hobby, they mean you should get a hobby where you can actually meet people. As in, go outside and socialize."
"Maybe you're looking in all the wrong places, too," Pyrrha offered. "Think about it, Jaune. All those dating apps have been for Huntsmen only, and the only girls you've asked out have been Huntresses themselves. Maybe you should go after a girl who's more average."
"Hey, that's a great idea," Nora said. "We're like superheroes to those people, you know. If you tell them you're a Huntsman, they'll probably be all over you."
"That's a good point, actually," Ren agreed. "In fact, why don't we all head downtown tonight? We could-"
He was cut off by Jaune's scroll dinging. Instantly, all eyes fell onto it, then slowly traveled to him. Jaune sighed tiredly, then reached for it.
"Let's take bets," he said. "Is it another dude this time?"
"I'm guessing it's another fat chick," Yang said.
"I'll bet twenty lien that it's some e-whore advertising her masturbation streams," Blake said.
"I'll raise to thirty lien on it being a Mistralian robocaller telling you that your scroll has a virus and the only way to fix it involves SchneeTunes gift cards," Ruby added.
"Fifty lien says it's someone trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty," Nora announced.
"I'm throwing my bet behind the e-whore," Jaune said. "Blake knows I'm good for it."
"Well, don't keep us waiting," Yang said. "Let's see what we're working with."
Jaune sighed, then opened his scroll. What he got was not what he expected – there was no dick pic, or a fat girl wearing clothes three sizes too small, or an adbot, or someone telling him not to redeem the card. Rather, there was just a simple message, one that as far as he could tell, was from an actual, real-life person.
"Hey, handsome," it read.
Jaune stared at it for a moment, then slowly looked up towards everyone. He blinked, surprised, then exhaled.
"...Looks like we're all losers tonight," he said.
"No way!" Yang said, excited. "Is she a real person after all?"
"I think so," Jaune answered. "She called me handsome, at least."
"Ooh, she's already interested," Nora pointed out. "Now all you have to do is be calm and not fuck it up."
"That's easier said than done, considering I've never been in this situation before," Jaune said. "Seriously, how often does it happen that the girl reaches out to the guy, and not the other way around? I'm already suspicious."
"What's the worst that could happen?" Ruby asked. "It's not like she's gonna knock you out and harvest your organs to sell on the black market."
"See, I wasn't even considering that as a possibility, but now that you brought it up-"
"Oh, just stop," Yang chastised. "What's her screen name, at least? Because the last girl was fucking nuts. I wanna know if it's her on an alt account."
Jaune shuddered. "Eugh… please don't remind me of that brief little back-and-forth with iBurn. My skin still crawls thinking about it."
"Do we want to know?" Weiss asked tentatively.
"Trust me, you do not," Ren said. "All you need to know is that iBurn apparently really, really has a thing for CBT, and she was not subtle about it at all. Even Jaune isn't that desperate."
"Anyway, speak up," Yang urged. "What's her screen name?"
"LoveMommy," Jaune reported.
Instantly, Yang, Ruby, and Nora all broke down into a bout of snickers. Blake and Weiss glared at them, but that didn't help Jaune's self-esteem at all.
"That bad, huh?" he asked.
"Okay, so clearly she's probably a bit older than you," Pyrrha offered. "But honestly, Jaune… we've seen how you look at Professor Goodwitch. Is that really a turn-off to you?"
"First of all, Pyrrha, I'm not the only one who looks at Professor Goodwitch that way," Jaune pointed out. "We all do it. That woman and her pencil skirt have killed more children than polio. Don't act like it's weird, because it's not. Second of all, if you must know, it actually isn't a turn-off at all. I'm actually pretty into it, all things considered."
"Then what are you waiting for?" Yang asked. "Reply to her, already."
"Honestly, I'm still in disbelief that this is even happening," Jaune explained. "I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"Then stop waiting and send a message, already. Might as well do it, right?"
So he did. Against his better judgment, he typed out a brief message to LoveMommy, then hit send.
And from then on, his fate was sealed.
As luck would have it, Yang's intuition had turned out to be completely correct for once – LoveMommy actually was into him. They had spent the last few days leading up to the weekend exchanging messages and getting to know each other a bit better. Jaune had to admit that he was really liking her – she was charming, funny, and quite wise. He wasn't quite sure what she saw in him, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
At any rate, they had eventually agreed on a brief coffee date – just a quick half-hour meeting between the two of them, so they could get to know each other face-to-face. His friends had explained that something like this was a good first date idea – it was low-intensity, not too expensive, and it left the door open for them to do something else in downtown Vale if it went well. He hadn't found an issue with that logic, so here he was, sitting in a booth at one of Vale's finest coffee shops, doing his best to avoid religiously checking his scroll every few seconds and failing miserably.
In his defense, he couldn't help it – it was now ten minutes past when she was supposed to get here, and she still wasn't here. Part of him was starting to think she'd ghosted him – he'd heard stories about that kind of thing, after all; people get into a good conversation with someone on one of these apps, only for the other person to just stop replying out of nowhere. It was sad, but it was also a fact of life, one that he was probably going to have to embrace if-
"Jaune?"
The sudden voice caught his attention, causing him to nearly jump out of his skin. He regained his composure quickly and turned to face her, his heart pounding in surprise.
At least, it started off as surprise. When he saw her, it was beating for an entirely different reason.
The two of them had been pretty light when it came to trading pictures – his friends had warned him about that kind of thing. Sure, they'd both had some basic photos on their profiles, but nothing super in-depth; for the most part, he still didn't even know what she really looked like. Of course, he was just as guilty as she was, considering he had advised her to look for the scruffy-looking blonde in a hoodie when she entered the cafe, but that was neither here nor there.
In any case, the few pictures he'd managed to actually get of Kai didn't do her justice. She had stated in her profile that she was a gym rat, and her pictures had certainly showed it, but man, she was something else in real life – not obscenely huge, but definitely ripped. Hell, he could see the outline of her abs pressed against the brown vest she was wearing, and the torn-off sleeves exposing her biceps only helped accentuate the look. Her blonde hair was tied back in a short ponytail that reached down to the base of her neck. And as if that wasn't enough, she was tall – about his height, maybe an inch or two shorter.
Suddenly nervous, he swallowed the lump in his throat. "Kai…?"
She flashed him a reassuring smile. "It is you! Oh, I'm so glad to finally meet you!"
He extended his hand for a handshake, but she didn't seem to notice, as she was too busy pulling him into a bone-crushing hug.
"Ooh, it's so nice to finally meet you~" she said.
Jaune would have liked to respond somehow, but he was too busy gasping for air.
Thankfully, it was over in just a few seconds. Kai released him, and after a moment to catch his breath, he gave her a sheepish grin.
"Yeah… nice to meet you too, Kai," he said. He eyed her up and down. "I must admit, you're… different than how I thought you'd be."
"Different how?" Kai asked.
"You're a lot more ripped than your pictures let on."
Kai waved him off. "Oh, that's because a friend of mine encouraged me to tone it down a bit for my pictures. He said that most men don't like muscular women. It's not a problem, is it?"
In that moment, Jaune wanted nothing more than to choke the life out of her friend.
How dare this man I've never met speak blasphemy about muscle girls, he thought to himself.
"No, it's not a problem at all," he said out loud, cheerfully. "In fact, I actually really like it… uh, that's too forward of me to say, is it?"
Kai giggled. He didn't think he'd enjoy the sight of a middle-aged muscular tomboy giggling like that, but here he was, feeling like he'd just had a heart attack from the sheer joy of it. "Oh, honey, I'm flattered, actually. Though I must admit, I'm surprised you still seem so into me."
"Why wouldn't I be?" Jaune asked.
"Well… I'm old enough to be your mother. That's not a problem to you?"
"No, it's a solution," Jaune said, the answer slipping out involuntarily before he could stop himself from saying it.
As soon as the words came out, he clamped his hands over his mouth, his face flushing red with embarrassment. Kai didn't seem to mind, though – in fact, she stared at him, her expression taking on a very sultry look.
"Oh, honey~" she purred. "You and I are going to get along great."
She licked her lips, and Jaune was torn between feeling very afraid and feeling very horny.
And then, just like that, it was gone. Kai's expression returned to its standard cheerful self as she picked up the drink menu.
"But what's say we finish the date first, yeah?" she asked. "Then I figured that if it goes well and we still like each other, we could go for a run in the park. What do you say?"
Jaune tugged at his collar, suddenly feeling very hot and bothered. "...Sounds great," he breathed. "Just so long as we take it slow, you know? I don't want to rush into anything."
Kai flashed him a smile that wasn't at all reassuring.
Exactly fifty-two minutes later, the door to Jaune's dorm room came bursting open. Jaune and Kai stepped into the room, furiously making out with each other as he slammed the door shut behind them. They held their kiss – with tongue – for a moment before breaking it, a thin trail of saliva connecting them as they stared at each other, both of them breathing heavily.
"Pants off," Kai insisted. "Now."
Jaune went to oblige her, only to pause when his hand slipped into his waistband. "Hey, wait a minute," he said. "This isn't taking it slow."
Kai grabbed him by the shoulders and peered into his eyes. "Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've gotten any?!" she demanded. "I'm going crazy, here! My fingers aren't enough, Jaune! What do I have to do, that?"
Jaune blinked. "...What do you mean by that?"
"I'm a MILF, Jaune," Kai insisted. "You know exactly what I mean by that!"
"Oh, you mean… that?"
"Yes, I mean that! Now, are you going to make me do that, or are you just going to drop those drawers, already?"
Jaune hesitated for a moment. "...I mean, now that you brought it up-"
Kaiyang rolled her eyes, but obliged. She pulled him close and put her mouth up to his ear, and then, in as sultry a voice as she could…
"Ara-ara~"
Suddenly, it was like he had just popped a full container of Viagra. His iron was no longer simply the big iron, it was the LORGE iron, like it went from a .22 to a .45-70 literally in the blink of an eye – his erection basically skipped frames, it was so fast. He honestly almost passed out from the sheer rush of blood going from his body down to his cock. The damn thing had to be about twice as long and four times as hard as it usually got.
No, that doesn't make sense, but shut up. Not like it's any more unrealistic than the rest of the smut you degenerates read. I've seen some of the shit floating around in this fandom, and let me tell you, I fucking wish I could forget all of it.
Kaiyang didn't seem to mind his unnaturally-sized boner, however. If anything, she was impressed.
"Wow," she mused, staring at it. "I didn't think they got that big."
"They don't," Jaune offered. "That just has that kind of effect on men."
"Hm. I'm not even sure if it will fit, at this point. I mean, I've only ever really done it with women before."
"Uh, what?" Jaune asked.
"Oh, did I not mention that?" Kaiyang asked. "I'm bisexual. I've really only gone for women before, but I've always had a thing for men, too. Just never had a chance to act on it, since two girls in particular stole my heart before things went south. So now I'm moving on to something different."
"...Uh, alright," Jaune said. "So, we doing this?"
"Of course we are," Kaiyang said, grinning widely. "But first – foreplay."
"Foreplay?"
"Foreplay. I can tell you're a virgin, Jaune. That doesn't bother me – in fact, I'm actually really excited about it – but trust me, you're gonna learn tonight."
"Learn how?"
The sudden voice from behind them caught their attention, causing them both to turn and stare. Nora stared back, lying on her bed with her headphones on and a magazine lying in front of her.
"Well, don't let me stop you," she said. "You two were in the middle of something."
"I didn't take you for a voyeur, Nora," Jaune said tentatively.
Nora waved him off. "Trust me, I'm a lot freakier than you all think I am. Like, a lot freakier. You have no idea."
"Uh, alright."
"Like, I'm talking full-on, soda-can-sized-dragon-dildo-in-the-ass levels of freaky."
"Is this really-"
"Seriously, I'm a fucking degenerate, Jaune. You have no fucking idea the kind of sick shit it takes to get me off. No idea."
"Yes, that's-"
"You should all count yourselves lucky I don't-"
"Nora!" Jaune interrupted, causing her to pause. "I'm kinda trying to get it on, here. Do you mind?"
"Not at all," Nora said. She looked over to Kai and waved. "Nice to meet you, ma'am."
Kai frowned. "What is this, a peep show? What kind of madhouse is Ozpin running these days?"
"Believe me, we ask ourselves that every day," Jaune said. He shook his head. "Anyway, if Nora is freaking you out, we can go somewhere else."
"No," Kai declared.
"...No?"
"No. I'm horny now. So we're doing this now. Got it?"
"I guess?" Jaune ventured.
"Good. Now then, pants off. Let me show you what it takes to please a woman, Jaune."
He obliged, because how else was he supposed to respond? And, naturally, it was good, save for the part where Nora watched them all night long. But, you see, the thing about sex is that it's a lot like steak – that is to say that when it's good, it's really good, and when it's bad, it's still pretty good.
So yeah, it was good.
"Is this her?" Pyrrha asked as she sat down at the table the next morning.
"That depends on who you think she is," Jaune answered. "If you're asking if she's my girlfriend, who I just had ludicrous amounts of ball-slapping sex with all night long, then yes, it's her."
Ren rolled his eyes. "You don't have to brag, you know. We all heard you."
"Yeah, you did," Jaune said. "I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't be boasting about this right now, but come on. Look at her."
"I'm not into older women," Ren deadpanned.
"Your loss. Isn't that right, Kai?"
"I'm sorry, I'm still basking in the afterglow from your massive mammoth cock," Kai answered. "Is that appropriate to say? Eh, I don't really care – not like anyone's around to judge me for it."
"I am," Pyrrha said. "But honestly, that's nothing compared to your screen name."
"What's wrong with LoveMommy?" Kai questioned.
"It makes me think you have a mommy kink, which is creepy."
"Don't kink shame people, Pyrrha," Nora chastised.
Pyrrha rolled her eyes. "Oh, like you're one to talk. I know why you keep that container of Lightning Dust under your bed, and contrary to what you tell the professors, it has absolutely nothing to do with practicing your semblance."
"Well, this conversation has taken a turn for the worse," Jaune noted. "Let's take bets – how is it going to get worse this time?"
"Some villains are going to break down the walls and start some shit," Ren guessed.
"I'm going to die somehow," Pyrrha offered.
"Ozpin is going to do something crazy," Nora said.
"MOM?!" Yang shouted.
Immediately, Jaune froze. "...Well," he ventured. "Looks like we were all wrong. Unfortunately. Pyrrha, no offense, but I'd honestly sooner see you dead than have to go through what's about to happen."
"Normally I'd get mad about that, but in this case, I can't even blame you," Pyrrha said. "Look alive, by the way – here she comes."
Jaune turned just in time to see Yang come stomping over, her eyes blazing red. Ruby was right behind her, doing her best to also look mad, but unfortunately Ruby is about as threatening as a wounded kitten, so it was really just cute more than anything.
Not to imply that kittens are only cute when they're wounded, but you get the point. Please don't call PETA on me, I am armed and drunk and don't like eco-terrorists invading my space.
"Mom, are you serious?!" Yang asked. "You're dating Jaune, of all people?!"
"Well, who else am I supposed to date?" Kai asked. "Nobody else wanted me. They just can't handle a middle-aged, fit tomboy, I guess."
"Their loss," Jaune said.
"You stay out of this," Yang threatened, causing him to raise his hands in surrender. She turned back to Kai. "Look, I said awhile back that I thought you needed to get back on the market, but I didn't mean like this!"
"What did you mean, then?" Kai said, placing a hand on her hip.
Yang hesitated. "...You know, I meant that you'd find someone more like Mom."
"What do you mean, more like Mom?" Nora asked. "Are you saying you had two moms?"
"Three, actually," Ruby chimed in. "See, there's Yang biological mom, then there's my biological mom, then there's both of our biological mom, AKA the mom you're talking to right now. It's all very confusing."
"You're telling me," Nora replied. "It's kinda hot, though."
"Hey, wait a minute," Ren ventured. "If they were all women, then how are Yang and Ruby biologically related to their respective parents?"
"It's quite simple, really," Kai explained. "When two women love each other very much, their love transcends boundaries of reality and becomes something greater than itself."
"That's very poetic and all, but I'd like a real answer please."
Kai shrugged. "Alright. We asked Ozpin to grant us children and he obliged because he's got a thing for chicks with silver eyes pouting like a puppy at him."
"He does?" Ruby asked.
"Of course he does, sweetie. Why do you think he let you in two years early?"
"He told me it was because I fought off Roman Torchwick."
"Ha! Ah, that's a good one. No, he just thinks your eyes are cute." Kai paused. "...Which means I should probably beat him up on your behalf, actually."
"Alright, this is nice and all, but I'd just like to pivot back to that comment you just made," Nora interrupted. "You said that Ozpin granted you children? Is he the fucking stork or something?"
Kai chuckled. "Oh, nothing like that. It's complicated."
"Somehow, I find it hard to believe that Ozpin is capable of something like this," Weiss said.
"Who doubted my capabilities?" Ozpin suddenly asked over the intercom. "Which one of you just said that? Speak up now so I can expel you."
"It's fine, Oz," Kai said.
Weiss furrowed her brow. "Wait, how can you not recognize me? It's me – I'm like the richest person in this Kingdom right now."
"I torment hundreds of students a year," Ozpin pointed out. "I can't reasonably be expected to remember them all, especially if they don't have Silver Eyes."
"That reminds me that I owe you an asskicking, old man," Kai said, cracking her knuckles. "Tell Glynda to go do something nice for herself tonight, because I'm absolutely going to bash your head in."
"Joke's on you, you're ultimately just giving Glynda even more of a headache," Ozpin said. "Do your worst, you two-time-widower, teenage boy-fucking blonde ultra-bimbo."
With that, the intercom went dead. Kai sighed, shaking her head.
"Well, that went about as well as I expected," she commented. "He's only getting more difficult in his old age, you know. It must be the dementia."
"Let's not forget what's important here," Yang chimed in. "I'm going to quote my mom here and say that I owe you an asskicking, Jaune."
"Seconded," Ruby agreed. "You're in for it, Jaune-boy."
"Whoa, whoa!" Jaune said. "I didn't know she was your mom!"
"That doesn't change the fact that she's our mom, dude," Yang pointed out.
"Girls, please," Kai said. "Does it really bother you that much that Mommy needed some dick, and found a good guy attached to it?"
"Eugh…" Ruby shuddered. "Did you have to phrase it like that? Just the thought of it… I feel sick to my stomach."
"Girls, seriously," Kai said sternly. "Sex is a fact of life, and I'd like to have some of it myself."
"But you don't have to have it with Jaune," Pyrrha added.
"You're not helping," Jaune pointed out.
Pyrrha shrugged. "If you know, you know. I'm not sorry."
"You'll get yours, Pyrrha. This, I swear."
"And you'll get yours," Yang threatened. Her eyes narrowed. "Give it time, Jaune. Sooner or later, we'll get you for banging our mom. Count on it."
With that, Yang and Ruby both left. Jaune watched them go, unsure of what to think. Kai rested a hand on his shoulder.
"Don't worry about them," she noted. "What's the worst that could happen?"
"Nothing, until you said that," Jaune said. "Now they're going to do something really dangerous and stupid."
"That's crazy."
When Jaune awoke, it was to rustling outside his window. He cracked one eye open to find a large black bird staring back at him through the glass. Their eyes met, and Jaune sighed tiredly.
"Seriously…?" he asked, tired. "A fucking bird wakes me up, on a Saturday of all things? Fuck off, bird."
With that, he rolled over and closed his eyes… and was immediately woken up again by the entire wall behind his head caving in, courtesy of a large scythe tearing into his room. Jaune let out an embarrassingly unmanly screech, flopping out of his bed as tall, lanky figure fell into his room.
"Who the fuck are you?" Jaune asked as his teammates jumped out of bed and the figure picked themselves up. "And why do you smell like alcohol?"
"Santa?" Nora asked.
"Why does alcohol make you think of Santa, Nora?" Ren asked.
"Have you seen those mall Santas? Those guys have more ethanol than blood."
"...Point."
The tall man finally succeeded in picking himself up, then looked around, squinting.
"Which one of you is Jaune Arc?" he asked. "I'm looking for Jaune Arc."
"Are you sure you're looking for Jaune Arc?" Jaune asked. "And not, you know, someone else?"
He motioned behind the man to his bed, where Kai was still sleeping. The man blinked, but ultimately seemed unsurprised.
"...You know, when she told me that she could sleep through a hurricane after raising those two little hellions, I didn't truly believe her," he said. "Until now."
"Is there a reason why you broke into our room in the dumbest way possible?" Ren asked. "I mean, honestly, did you have to go full Kool-Aid Man? I quite liked having a wall there to keep the spiders out."
Pyrrha's eyes widened. "S-Spiders?!"
"It's alright, Pyrrha," Nora said tiredly. "There are no eight-legged terrors here. You can rest easy, knowing they're not going to inject you with venom and suck your innards out."
"Is this helpful?" Jaune asked.
"Not really, but she has it coming," Nora said.
"...Okay, yeah. Carry on, then." He looked back to the scythe-wielding drunk man. "So, I assume you're here to speak to Kai and also kill me?"
"Does it have to be in that order?" he asked.
"Yes. I'm gonna wake her up now."
"How do you intend to do that? She lived through raising both Yang and Ruby. At this point, she could probably sleep through a fucking shotgun blast going off next to her head."
"Watch and learn." Jaune cleared his throat. "Mommy, want milky!"
Instantly, Kai jumped out of bed, her eyes wide. "Who is it?!" she shouted. "Which one of you motherfuckers is role-playing the shota around me?! 'Cuz you know that's a shortcut straight to the nookie!"
"You people are all fucking weird," Ren said, slightly disgusted. "I could have gone my whole life without knowing what you two get up to in the bedroom."
"Don't blame me, blame the drunk asshole who caved in our wall with a fuckoff-huge scythe," Jaune said.
Kai looked around a bit more, then relaxed when she realized what was going on. "...Qrow? What are you doing here?" Her eyes narrowed. "Did Yang and Ruby put you up to this?"
"They might've mentioned it to me," Qrow grunted. "But let's be real, here – why are you sleeping with this loser, anyway?"
"Jaune isn't a loser!" Kai argued. "He's really sweet-"
"Sounds like a loser."
"-And I'm honestly very upset that none of you are supporting me with this! I mean, I've been looking for a man for months. You all even told me that I needed to find someone. Well, I've finally found someone, and now you're all treating him like he killed somebody or something! What's wrong with you?"
"Just look at yourself, Kai," Qrow chastised. "You're literally old enough to be his mother."
"Joke's on you, I'm into that shit."
"And you're old enough to be her son," Qrow said to Jaune.
"Again, joke's on you, she's into that shit," Nora chimed in. "Like, for real, you have no idea just how much she's into that shit. Seriously, so much stepmom role-play between these two. It's downright disgusting. And I say that as someone who's turned into such a coombrain that I can only get off to some really degrading shit these days. You know that old gif of the anime girl getting skinned alive by a laser machine? That's my bread and butter right there. Yeah, I'm straight-up into guro, and even these two degenerates make me sick. Literally, sick. Hold on, let me call a doctor."
Nora pulled out her scroll, only for Ren to sigh and pluck it out of her hands. "Is now the best time?" he asked.
"When did everybody on this team turn into such a weirdo?" Pyrrha wondered.
"This team? Try this whole fucking school," Qrow interrupted. "Seriously, look around. You're all a bunch of sick, sadistic perverts with ethically questionable fetishes. I mean, I only know what three of you are into – the other two are a complete mystery, but even still, I'm terrified to ask. None of you are normal; every single one of you needs some kind of religion in your life."
"Everyone has their kinks, you know," Kai added. "No sense in shaming people for them."
"Yeah, but most people have kinks that are normal," Qrow pointed out. "They're not into old hags, or mother/son incest, or whatever the fuck the little midget girl is into. They're into things like short skirts, or thigh highs, or threesomes with twin girls where the girls don't even look at each other because they're both so focused on you."
"Oddly specific," Jaune noted.
"You're telling me, kid. You have any idea how hard it is for me to find new videos on the Hub?"
"Ha, he still uses the Hub," Nora said. "What a boomer."
Qrow ignored her. "Look, my point is, you people need to give it a fucking rest, alright? It's not healthy. You should all be more like Ruby and Yang-"
Too late, Qrow had realized what he said. He instantly shut up, but it wasn't enough to save him from Kai.
Kai glared at him, then crossed her arms. "Oh, do go on, please."
"...I don't know what you're talking about," Qrow offered.
"Oh, don't give me that. I want to know what my girls have been telling you… and more importantly, why they chose to talk to you about it instead of their own mother."
"Uh…" Qrow rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, unsure of how to respond. "...I guess they just… uh… feel like I'd be less judgmental?"
"What are they talking about?! I'm not judgmental!"
"...I mean, you can be pretty judgmental at times," Jaune muttered. She rounded on him, and he raised his hands in surrender. "But to be fair, generally the person has it coming."
"Such as now?" Nora asked.
"...Alright, yeah, such as now."
Kai scowled. "Girls!" she shouted. "Get in here!"
Instantly, Ruby and Yang came running in, both of them still dressed in their nightclothes. "Yes, Mom?" Yang asked.
"Don't 'yes, mom' me, young lady! I want to know why you felt more comfortable going to your uncle to talk about adult topics than your own mother. I thought we had that kind of relationship."
"Ooh," Nora said. "Please, do go on about the kind of relationship you have with your daughters, ma'am. I'd love to hear it."
Without looking back, Jaune said, "Pyrrha, smack her for me, please, would you?"
"On it," Pyrrha said. Her statement was immediately followed by the sound of a dull smack, followed by Nora letting out a small hiss of pain.
"Thank you."
Ruby and Yang exchanged a sheepish glance with each other and then looked back to their mom. "Well, Mom…" Ruby began. "It's… not that we didn't want to talk with you about these things per se, it's just…"
"...We figured Uncle Qrow would be better about it," Yang finished.
Kai was unconvinced. "And why is that, hm? Do you think I'm not open-minded enough?"
"No, nothing like that," Ruby said. "It's just… well… it's kinda weird, talking about sex stuff with your parents."
"But you're completely okay talking about it with your uncle?"
"Well, yeah," Yang said with a shrug. "Because he's cool."
Kai's jaw dropped. "What are you talking about? I'm cool! All the kids love me at Signal! I can be hip with it!"
"Uh, yeah, not helping your case," Ruby deadpanned. She shook her head. "Look, Mom – you're just… kind of a boomer."
"So is Qrow! He's the same age as me!"
"Yeah, but he's not a boomer mentally, which is where it counts," Yang explained. "He's cool. He does cool guy stuff like getting drunk in public, or picking fights with random people for stupid reasons, or telling the police to come back with a warrant, fuckhead. You know, the kind of things that only a dashing rogue like him can get away with doing."
"And meanwhile, you…" Ruby hesitated. "...Well, you teach little kids and teenagers how to not die in the field against nightmarish creatures, which sounds cool but is really just a glorified babysitting job. Then at home, you play with the dog and tend to your garden. And I'm pretty sure that when Yang and I were sleeping when we still lived there, you stayed up late watching soap operas."
"You don't know that!" Kai protested.
Yang rolled her eyes. "Mom, we heard you crying while watching TV. Either you were watching soap operas or that one game show host dying really hurt you in ways that we can't even believe."
Kai hesitated, then crossed her arms, frustrated. "...Fine," she conceded. "You both prefer to speak with your uncle about these adult things. I see how it is."
"Mom, don't do this," Ruby protested.
"Don't do what? All I'm saying is that you've both clearly shown who your favorite adult is, and it isn't me."
"Kai-" Qrow began.
"I don't want to hear it, Qrow," Kai chastised.
Yang and Ruby exchange a glance, then they both let out a tired sigh.
"...Alright, fine, we'll stop complaining about you dating Jaune," Yang acknowledged.
"And?" Kai asked.
"...And the next time we need to talk about adult things, we'll come to you."
"Ooh, yeah," Nora breathed. "That's the stuff."
"Pytrha?" Jaune asked.
There was another smack, and another hiss of pain from Nora. None of them were even remotely surprised.
Kai relaxed. "Thanks, girls," she said. "That's all I wanted."
"Well, this is great," Ren noted. "Now you can all be one big, happy family. Right?"
"I don't see why not," Jaune agreed.
Qrow shrugged. "Eh. I'm sure there's something we're forgetting. Can't imagine what, though."
Days passed, with nothing out-of-control happening to interrupt Jaune's love life with Kai. The two of them continued dating and having a good time with each other, all while Kai's family looked on in… not quite approval, but not disapproval either, which was good enough for both of them. Life was good, until it wasn't.
And the next big issue made itself known in the form of a large blood-red sword pointed square at Jaune's neck that roused him from his slumber.
"Wha-"
"Zip it, homewrecker," said his visitor, a tall dark-haired woman dressed in what could only be a Mistralian stripper's outfit.
"Homewrecker…?" Jaune asked in disbelief. He thought for a moment before the realization crossed his mind. "Oh! You must be Summer, then."
The woman stared at him in disbelief. "...Seriously?" she asked aloud. "That bitch is dead and she's still stealing my thunder. What's up with that…?" She shook her head. "Look, who I am isn't important. What's important is what I'm going to do to you, namely cut your balls off for stealing my wife."
"Hold that thought." Jaune cleared his throat. "Mommy, need cummies!"
Immediately, Kai sat bolt upright, her eyes flying open with not even a trace of sleep left in them. "What? Jaune? You said you needed-" Her gaze landed on Raven, and her eyes narrowed. "Oh."
"'Oh?'" Raven asked. "I come back into your life, and that's all you have to say? Really?"
"What did you expect me to say?" Kai asked. "You ran off like seventeen years ago and I haven't seen a trace of you since. I figured you were never coming back."
"Well, I'm back now," Raven said. "I came as soon as I saw that you were dating this guy."
"Why is this such a problem to everyone?" Kai asked. "Seriously, I don't get what the issue is."
"The issue is that you're my wife."
"Not anymore; I filed for no-fault divorce years ago. Then I shacked up with Summer, and let me tell you, Summer is twice the woman you are, if not more."
"Oh, yeah?" Raven asked. "Did Summer ever touch you the way I touched you?"
"I'm not discussing this with you," Kai snarled.
"Admit it, Kai. She never figured out how to do that thing with the tongue that you just love, did she?"
"What thing with the tongue?" Jaune asked.
"Mind your own business, kid," Raven snapped, causing him to raise his hands in surrender. She turned her attention back to Kai. "Admit it – you love a woman who can actually keep up with you in bed. We both know Summer was too much of a sub for that."
"I am not discussing bedroom habits my deceased wife and I had," Kai hissed. "Especially not with my massive bitch of an ex. Why are you even here, anyways? We broke up almost two decades ago. Were you hoping I'd take you back?"
"Ha! As if." Raven shook her head. "No, I came to take you for myself."
"Oh, so I'm a prize to be claimed, then?"
"That's exactly right. You're still my wife, after all."
"Again, no I'm not – I've got the divorce papers to prove it." Kai glanced at Jaune. "And anyway, I'm taken."
"With this idiot? No way," Raven said. "Give me one round in bed and I'll have you begging me to take you back. I'll touch you in ways that he could only dream about."
"This is pathetic, Raven," Kai deadpanned. "You're competing with a literal teenager over who's better at sex. It's not even comparable – you're both completely different."
"How so?"
"Well, for one, he actually has a penis. And before you say anything – yes, I do like it quite a bit."
"Perhaps a competition is in order, then," Raven said, sheathing her sword. "We both spend a night with you, and whoever pleases you best wins."
"No," Kai deadpanned. "My wild days are behind me. I've got kids now – two of them, in fact. Shall I call them both over? I'm sure Yang is just dying to give you a piece of her mind."
For the first time, Raven looked taken aback. Her eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't dare."
"Try me, Raven," Kai snapped. "Seriously, try me. Say one more bad thing about Jaune or imply that I should cheat on him, and I'm calling Yang and Ruby. And if you think Yang is bad, oh boy, wait until you meet Ruby. She's basically a miniature Summer on a permanent sugar rush. You're gonna hate her."
Raven actually paled out of fear. It was very satisfying to watch. Unfortunately, it only lasted for a few seconds before she recovered, then glared at Kai.
"No wonder I left," she said. "I forgot just how much of an absolute bitch you are."
"Says the woman who abandoned her own family, then came crawling back years later looking for some booty," Kai retorted.
"Hag."
"Cunt."
"I faked all my orgasms."
"Summer was a better wife than you."
"At least I don't name myself LoveMommy."
"At least I don't-" Kai paused. "...Wait, how did you know about that?"
Raven fell silent. Kai blinked. "...Raven," she said slowly, "...How long have you been watching me? Geez, you must be really really lonely."
"It doesn't matter," Raven hissed. "I-"
"Tell me, Raven," Kai implored. "How does this make you feel?"
Without warning, she leaned over and kissed Jaune full-on on the lips. It was hot – like, there was tongue involved and everything. And it didn't end there – after a few seconds, she started loudly moaning into the kiss, then began to run her hand up and down his chest, and finally slipped it into his underwear and began stroking his-
"You stop that!" Raven demanded. "You stop that right now!"
Kai broke the kiss, making sure there was a thin strand of drool connecting them. She gave Raven a smug look. "Oh? Are you jealous, Raven?"
"You're my wife, Kai!"
"We broke up, you dumb cunt. Get over it. Find yourself someone else, because it's not going to be me."
"You-"
"That's enough," Kai said sternly. "Now, I am going to fuck my boyfriend now. If you don't want to stay and watch, I suggest you leave immediately."
Raven grit her teeth. "Fine," she conceded. "I can tell when I'm not wanted."
"Is that what you said when you left the first time?"
Raven didn't say anything in response, instead giving Kai the middle finger before cutting open a portal and stepping through it. The portal closed behind her, and Jaune breathed a sigh of relief.
"Well, I'm glad that's-" He paused when he felt a disturbance in the air behind him. Swallowing nervously, he turned back to his girlfriend. "Uh, Kai?"
"Yes, honey?" she asked, panting heavily.
"...You, uh, feeling alright-"
"I'm horny," she breathed.
Jaune's gaze was immediately drawn to a damp spot on the sheets under her groin. "Yes, I can tell."
"Take me now, you blonde stud! I'm all riled up! Breed me and make me a mother again!"
Part of him wanted to argue, but honestly, what would the point even be? It wasn't like anyone even listened to him, anyway. So instead, Jaune sighed exaggeratedly.
"Well, if I must," he said.
That was as far as he got before Kai pounced on him, and the entire dorm was awoken by the sounds of intense lovemaking. Predictably, Ruby and Yang were pissed, but Jaune didn't care.
After all, it was hard to care when he was basically their new father.
"Gods damn, I love this woman," he said to himself as Kai slept next to him.
What is up, my dudes? It's been awhile, but I am finally back with more garbage for you all.
Self-deprecation aside, sorry this took so long. Spent a little while considering where I wanted to take this fic, and I finally came to a conclusion: I'm about ready to end it. Not immediately, of course – I've got about four other chapters left in the tank. But I've about had my fun with it and am ready to move on to different projects. I love this fic, don't get me wrong, but I think it's about run its course, and I'd rather end it on a high note than keep it going in perpetuity, watching as the jokes steadily get worse and worse before being quietly canceled. So we're going out on my terms – three more chapters or so of some of the most requested characters, followed by a big finale, and then we're done.
Obviously, this means that I'm not going to be able to do all of the characters some of you wanted me to. But believe me, you're not missing much – part of the reason why this chapter took so long to come out is that I took a crack at pretty much all of them, and hated the result for most of them, because they turned out pretty shit. That's part of what contributed to my decision to end it – it's not as easy or enjoyable to write as it was at the beginning, and I feel like it's about time to put it out to pasture, so to speak.
And before anyone asks – yes, I will be writing more comedy besides this. It probably won't be nearly as shitposty as this one ended up being, but yes, there will be more comedy in my writing future. Just give me a little while, since I'm still working on something. In the meantime, once this fic concludes, I've got a little short serious romance I've been working on for a bit that I think will be interesting.
Now then, all that aside, let's move on with wrapping this thing up, shall we? I'll see you all in two weeks for the next chapter.
Next update: Saturday, April 23.