Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 60: Jacqueline Schnee (Jacques Schnee R63), or: The Forbidden Schnee
Jaune considered himself to be a patient, understanding man. Sure, he could sometimes lose his temper, particularly with things concerning Nora or any of his sisters, but all things told, he liked to think of himself as being a bit more tolerant than most.
Of course, even he had his limits. And as it turned out, that limit involved his crush's mother bad-mouthing her for what had happened at the docks.
"Dude, calm down," Ren urged.
Jaune turned to glare at his friend. "Calm down? Weiss' mom is on her way here right now to give Weiss a huge dressing-down for the chaos at the docks, and you want me to just calm down?"
"Yes," Nora said. "Look, I know you're really hung up on this, but you don't need to go full white knight, here. It's not like she's gonna reward you with sex if you defend her honor or anything. Hell. It's Weiss – I'm sure she can take care of herself."
"That's not the point," Jaune emphasized. "The point is that this simply isn't fair. Weiss isn't at fault for what happened, and for her mom to place the blame squarely on her to the point of coming down here purely to chastise her for what's ultimately something she had no control over, that's just unfair, and I don't like it."
"Okay, yeah, I get that, but what you're doing right now is really stupid. Seriously. It's not like you need to trip over yourself to give her a tip of the fedora, all to defend m'lady's honor. Which is basically what you're doing."
"What are you getting at?"
"What Nora is trying to say," Pyrrha interjected, "is that Weiss is more than capable of fighting her own battles, Jaune. I mean, think about it – she knows her parents better than anyone here, since she's had to deal with them for seventeen years by this point. I think she has a good idea of what she's doing, and how to handle whatever comes her way."
"Well, that's fine," Jaune conceded. "But I still want to give her mother a piece of my mind. From what Weiss has told us, she's an awful parent, and I think she deserves to hear that from someone who won't pull any punches."
"Your funeral, man," Nora said with a shrug. "Just remember that Weiss' family is literally the richest and most well-connected in all of Remnant. If they find you at the bottom of the ocean with a pair of cement shoes, it's entirely on you."
"How would they find him if he's stuck at the bottom of the ocean wearing cement shoes?" Ren couldn't help but ask.
"It's a figure of speech," Nora insisted. "Look, you get the point. If Jaune's prepared to face the consequences, I say let him go and mouth off to the most powerful woman on the planet."
"Seems like he's okay with them," Pyrrha noted.
Nora blinked. "...He left during my monologue, didn't he?"
"Yup."
"That son of a bitch! Nobody leaves during my monologues and gets away with it!" Nora's eyes narrowed. "You'll get yours, Jaune. This, I swear."
Jaune stormed through the halls of Beacon, feeling the maddest he'd ever felt. Like he'd said to Nora, this entire situation with Weiss simply wasn't fair to her, and he wasn't about to let her mother talk shit straight to her face over something that wasn't her fault. As Weiss' bitch of a mom would find out, two could play at that game.
Jaune rounded a corner towards the landing pads, but in his haste, he was unprepared for someone to round it from the other direction at the same time. The two of them collided with each other, both landing flat on their asses. Jaune was quick to pick himself up, his eyes widening when he saw the other person was a white-haired woman.
"Sorry about that, ma'am," he said, offering her a hand. "I wasn't watching where I was going."
"You've got that right," the woman snapped. Still, she took his hand and allowed him to pull her to her feet, dusting herself off once she was upright. She then fixed him with a glare. "And to think, this is a school for Huntsmen. If you're indicative of the current generation of candidates, then we're all done for."
Jaune frowned. "It was just a bump. I said I was sorry."
"Sorry doesn't un-bump me. And moreover, if you can't be expected to watch where you're going when it comes to something as simple as wandering the halls, how can you possibly be expected to defend us properly?" She shook her head. "It's simply unbelievable. Thank the Gods I have my own private security."
The gears in Jaune's head began to turn as he put two and two together. The clothes that cost more than his parents made in a month; the haughty, uptight attitude of an upper-class person who had been forced to interact with the riff-raff against her will; the white hair and blue eyes; the bitchy attitude that was just so very Weiss… it all came together in an instant.
"You're Weiss' mother," he acknowledged.
The woman's eyes narrowed. "My reputation precedes me. I'm surprise it took you that long to notice – generally, my prestige leads to me being recognized everywhere on Remnant. You must be some kind of dullard to go this long without recognizing the caliber of person you're speaking to."
"Oh, I'm sorry – it's just that I'm used to Weiss' bitchy attitude, so it took a moment for me to recall that she had to get it from somewhere."
"Excuse me?"
"Oh, don't act like you didn't hear me," Jaune said, rolling his eyes. "She talks about you, you know. And she's quite cordial, given the kind of person you've proven yourself to be."
"And what kind of person would that be, hm? Enlighten me."
"With pleasure." Jaune cleared his throat. "Missus Schnee, you are the worst kind of parent. You don't support your children at all, or even care about them. Weiss has spent most of her life trying to live up to your sky-high expectations, and has succeeded beyond anyone's wildest dreams, yet you don't care because she's not exactly like you. Well, you know what? That's a good thing. Nobody should be like you, because you are a terrible person."
"Oh, is that so? Well, look at you – you're nothing more than a clumsy, stupid teenager. I can tell just from looking at you that you shouldn't even be here at Beacon with the others. Weiss may be a failure, but she's still leagues ahead of you. It's amazing to me that you think you're fit to even walk the same halls as her, let alone speak of her like you know her – she's so far above you that it isn't even funny."
"You're a terrible businesswoman who only turns a profit because you have the market cornered on a valuable substance that literally everyone needs, and because you employ literal slave labor," Jaune countered.
"And you're nothing more than a blonde noodle," she answered. "For a so-called Huntsman, you're woefully out-of-shape. And I'll bet that a certain part of you really is just a small, flaccid little noodle."
"Oh, yeah? Well, I can tell from here that you're nothing more than a saggy old hag whose best years are behind you."
"How dare you! I am still just as perky as I ever was."
"That plastic surgery has to be good for something, I suppose."
"Ha! You wish." She brought her hands up to cup her breasts. "These are all natural."
"Shame that they don't see any use, since your wife hates you."
"At least I have a wife. And I have three children, meaning I've had sex at least three times. That's three more times than you, you absolute virgin."
"I'd rather stay a virgin than have a family that hates me."
"I'll bet you would – you wouldn't last five minutes in bed with a woman."
"Is that a bet?"
"It's an assurance."
His eyes narrowed. "Care to put that to the test, bitch?"
"Only if you're offering, you blonde bastard," she growled. "Now, are you going to just stand there, or are you going to-"
Jaune didn't wait for her to go any further, instead lunging forward and kissing her full-on on the mouth. She seemed surprised at first, and pulled away after a moment, giving him a harsh glare.
"You dare?" she hissed, wiping away the strand of saliva that connected them.
"What are you going to do about it?" Jaune bragged. "Do what you must, you can't un-kiss yourself. Besides, you quite literally asked for it."
"I'll get my revenge," she swore.
"And how do you intend to do that?"
That was as far as he got before she lunged forwards and grabbed him by the collar, then kissed him again, even harder than last time – there was tongue and everything. The two of them stood there, leaning into the kiss, moans echoing through the hallway, before finally she pulled away, her grip still tight around his collar.
"My room," she said, breathless. "Now. I won't take no for an answer."
Jaune nodded, numb. "O-okay-"
"Don't bitch out on me now," she hissed. "You started this, and now you're going to finish it."
"Alright, Missus Schnee-"
"And stop with that."
"Then what should I call you?"
"My wife-in-name-only calls me Jacqueline. My children call me Mother. But you? You can call me Mistress."
Jaune didn't have any time to argue before she grabbed him and led him back to her room, slamming the door behind her.
And before he knew what was happening, Jaune had become a man.
It was hours later that Jaune found himself lying awake, staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes. He was completely naked underneath the covers of Jacqueline's bed. His pelvis was bruised, he was covered in miscellaneous juices, and he was bleeding across his chest and back from shallow scratches caused by Jacqueline's nails… but he had never been more satisfied in his life.
Or more confused, for that matter.
"What the fuck just happened?" he said aloud.
Next to him, Jacqueline stirred awake, cracking both eyes open to share a glance with him. For the first time, Jaune got a look at her without being distracted by either his rage or his dick… and he had to admit, she looked good. She was shorter than him, but not by much – a few inches, perhaps. She had the same snow-white hair and piercing blue eyes that the rest of the Schnee family had, though unlike the other Schnee women, Jacqueline wore her hair long, letting it flow down to the small of her back. She also dressed to impress – she had come to Beacon in a nice suit and tie, both of which were now lying on the floor in a crumpled-up pile, along with the set of white lingerie she'd had on underneath it all.
Frankly, she reminded Jaune of a more mature Weiss in just about every way, with one exception – her gaze was even more piercing than Weiss' was. Even when she was looking at him with a softened expression, it was still fierce, but he supposed that made sense – she had just spent the entire evening riding him without a break, insisting that he always go harder, or faster, or both. She had been in the lead the entire time, which he supposed made sense – for someone like Jacqueline, who ran the biggest, most successful company in the entire world, being in control was probably second-nature to her.
Plus, if he was being honest, it turned out that he didn't mind letting her take the lead. Something about having a hot older woman absolutely dominate him just drove him nuts in the best way possible.
At least, before the reality of the situation finally sank in.
"Oh, my Gods, I just slept with a married woman," Jaune said. He buried his face in his hands. "Fuck me, I've become a homewrecker…"
"Oh, come on," Jacqueline said, rolling her eyes. "You can't honestly call what Willow and I have a marriage. We don't even like each other anymore, and haven't for about seven years now. We only stay together because it's convenient for both of us to keep up appearances. I don't care who she sleeps with at this point, and she doesn't care who I sleep with. We are separated in every way except legally."
"Oh, that's a relief," Jaune said, relaxing. "For a moment there, I thought for sure somebody would actually care about this."
There was a knock at the door. "Mother, are you in there?" Weiss asked from the other side. "You were supposed to arrive hours ago. Is something wrong?"
"No, Weiss," Jacqueline answered. She stepped out of bed and walked over to the door, not even bothering to put any clothes on. Seeing this, Jaune raised an eyebrow.
"Hang on, I thought you were supposed to be punishing Weiss for failing at something she had no possible way of succeeding at in the first place," Jaune said.
"I am," Jacqueline insisted.
"But you're naked. How are you supposed to give her a stern, pseudo-abusive talking-to if you're naked? There's no way she'll be able to take you seriously."
"On the contrary – seeing her mother naked ought to be an even greater punishment than anything I could ever say to her. Let's be honest, there's no way she'd even listen to what I have to say in the first place – not because she dislikes me due to anything I've done, but because I'm her mother and she's a teenage girl, and there isn't a teenage girl alive who doesn't needlessly hate her own mother."
"I mean, to be fair, she doesn't exactly need a reason to hate you," Jaune pointed out.
"Point. However, what I am trying to say is that she'd hate me anyway, even if I wasn't so hard on her. Such is the way of the teenage girl."
From the other side of the door, Weiss knocked again. "Mother, who are you talking-"
Jacqueline threw the door open at that exact moment, showing off her everything to Weiss. Weiss stared for a moment, wide-eyed, then quickly averted her eyes and covered them.
"Mother!" Weiss shrieked. "What are you doing?! Put some clothes on!"
"No," Jacqueline said. "Look at it, Weiss. Behold the sight of the woman who fathered you, in all her naked glory."
"There's not a single part of that sentence that makes sense," Jaune pointed out.
Everyone ignored him – Jacqueline because she was too busy punishing Weiss in the worst way possible, Weiss because she was too busy averting her eyes and trying to tune out everything her mother was saying, and everyone else because they were too busy staring at Jacqueline's naked body, which honestly was way too hot for someone like her.
Oh, right. Everyone else was there, too.
"Jaune?!" Yang suddenly exclaimed. "Why are you in her room?"
"I mean, that should be obvious," Jaune stated. "Jacqueline and I had a disagreement of sorts, and it turned out the only way to settle it was to fuck."
"Was it good?" Nora asked. Ren pinched her, and she turned to glare at him. "Come on, we were all thinking it!"
"Dude, you slept with one of Weiss' moms," Ruby said. "That's not cool."
"Why would she care?" Jaune questioned. "Weiss doesn't even like her mom. Hell, her mom is currently flashing her in front of everyone. Weiss is like the last person on Remnant who should care about who her mother sleeps with, except for maybe Winter or Willow, who just might have reason to hate Jacqueline even more."
"I'm still here, you know!" Weiss said from behind her hands, even as her mother continued to thrust her chest and crotch in her general direction. "And I have to say that Ruby's right – this really isn't cool, Jaune!"
"Homewrecker!" Pyrrha accused, earning a confused glance from everyone. She instantly shrank beneath their gaze. "I-I mean… everyone else was getting in on it…" she muttered, pushing her index fingers together awkwardly.
Ren placed a hand on her shoulder in solidarity. "It's okay, Pyrrha. We know you just want to feel like you belong. Just for that, you can break character and call him a homewrecker a second time."
"O-okay…" Pyrrha cleared her throat, then looked back to Jaune. "Homewrecker!"
"That's the spirit," Ren said.
"Wait, hang on," Ruby suddenly announced. "Something's missing."
"What is it?" Yang asked.
"Blake's opinion."
"Oh, so it's fucking nothing."
"Hey! Blake is a valuable member of the team! I wanna know her opinion on this!" Ruby looked back to Blake. "What do you think of all this, Blake?"
"Huh?" Blake asked, looking up from her book. "You're addressing me?"
"Yes!"
"Well, it doesn't seem like it, considering you're talking to one of those cat posters."
Ruby blinked in surprise, then grinned sheepishly when she realized she was staring at one of those 'Hang in there, baby!' posters. She cleared her throat, then looked over to the real Blake. "Sorry, Blake. It's just… well, you don't really have a character beyond being the token catgirl, so we keep confusing you for the posters that someone keeps putting up. Anyway, what do you think of this?"
"I think I'm very confused," Blake admitted. "I thought for sure that the end game here was White Knight, but apparently it isn't."
"Why would you ever think the endgame is White Knight?" Yang asked. "It's totally one-sided. Jaune isn't even Weiss' type – everyone knows she only likes fuckboys."
"Sleeping with her mom doesn't make Jaune a fuckboy?" Nora asked.
"No, it makes him a manwhore. That's different."
"You're all missing the bigger picture," Ruby interjected. "Clearly, White Knight was never going to be the endgame in the first place, since Jaune so easily went with another woman over Weiss."
"I mean, to be fair, it's still someone who's related to Weiss," Nora pointed out. "And isn't that the weirdest thing you've ever heard? Hey Weiss, does this technically make Jaune your new stepdad?"
"Please don't put thoughts like that into my head!" Weiss begged, still shielding her eyes from her own mother's nudity. "I'm trying not to think about the fact that Jaune slept with my mother!"
"Speaking of which, can we talk about that for a second?" Jaune requested. "Alright, so clearly Weiss has two mommies… but how the fuck does that work? I thought baby-making kinda required at least one penis, unless I've been deceived my entire life."
"Oh, there was a penis," Jacqueline interjected.
Jaune blinked, surprised. "...There was? Whose penis was it, exactly? Because I know for a fact that you don't have one, and I somehow doubt that Willow had one."
"Oh, I had a penis at the time," Jacqueline said nonchalantly. In the background, Weiss began to retch. "And because I know what you're going to ask, allow me to explain – I used Dust to allow me to temporarily grow a penis, with which I impregnated my wife, who now hates me."
"...That answers one question, yet raises so many others," Jaune said, more than a little disturbed by the sudden revelations making themselves known to everyone. "How is Dust supposed to let a woman temporarily turn herself into a big-dicked futa?"
"Dust, son," Jacqueline replied dismissively. "I ain't gotta explain shit."
"But-"
"Just accept that it's down to Dust and leave it at that."
"...Okay, but is this, like, a regular thing? Can anyone do this and grow a dick? Hell, can I grow an extra dick if I apply Dust in the correct way? What even is the correct way to apply Dust so that the end result is growing a penis? If Dust lets you grow a dick, does it also let you grow the entire reproductive system, too? Because there's more to the male genitalia than just the penis – there's also the testes, the prostate, all that shit. That stuff's kinda important for sperm production."
"Do you really want the answer to these questions?" Pyrrha asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Point taken," Jaune conceded. "Okay, with that in mind, I'm willing to accept that women can grow themselves a dick if they use Dust in the correct way… but I wish I wasn't willing to accept it, if you catch my drift."
"Your loss, dude," Blake said. Everyone turned to state at her, and she just rolled her eyes. "Come on, you've all seen my browser history. Is it really such a stretch to believe that I'd be into it?"
"Alright," Weiss said, her face turning green. "I'm sorry, but this is… it's too much right now. I just learned that my mother and Jaune slept together, my mother is still naked and showing no signs of getting dressed any time soon, and it was just revealed to me that at one point my mom gave herself a massive futa cock and used it to impregnate my other mother. This is too much. I'd be tempted to say it can't get any worse than that, but something tells me I'd be wrong if I did."
"Would you like to know how many loads of spunk it took for me to get Willow pregnant with you?" Jacqueline offered.
Weiss suddenly covered her mouth, then took off running for the nearest hall bathroom. Everyone watched her go, but nobody cared that much, because this was pre-character development Weiss.
By the time lunch rolled around, Weiss had recovered enough that she could stand to be in the same room as Jacqueline and Jaune. It helped that Jacqueline was actually wearing clothes this time, though that was probably undone by the fact that she was currently slipping a collar around Jaune's neck that read 'Property of J. Schnee'.
"You can't seriously be okay with this," Blake deadpanned.
"It's fine," Jaune said as Jacqueline tightened the collar around his neck. "I mean, yeah, if I was a Faunus then there'd be some pretty unfortunate implications here, but I'm not, so you can just write this off as us being really kinky."
"I'm just surprised, is all. I never took you for a kinky person, Jaune."
"I wasn't, until Weiss' mom completely rocked my world last night. At this point, she could basically do whatever she wanted to me and I'd just sit there and take it so long as it wasn't too egregious and she also let me bust inside her again."
"Spoken like a true coomer," Nora observed. She shook her head, slightly disgusted. "I get where you're coming from, but seriously, have some fucking dignity, Jaune."
"Dignity is nice, but it won't get me laid," Jaune replied.
"Be honest," Yang began. "Are you just doing this to make Weiss seethe, as a way of getting back at her for spurning your advances? Because if so… I mean, it's impressive. Really, it is."
"Thanks," Jaune said.
"That doesn't answer my question, you know."
"I know. It's funnier to me that way."
Across from him, Weiss grit her teeth, annoyed. "So you are doing this on purpose. You're a real jerk, Jaune. So just because I refused to go out with you, you decided to start up a relationship with my mother?"
"Oh, please, you really think I planned any of this?" Jaune asked. "Much like your younger brother, this was an accident. I never intended to start sleeping with your mom – it just kinda happened. What I wanted to do was confront her and shame her into going back to Atlas with her tail between her legs, to spare you a verbal lashing. But of course, no plan survives contact with the enemy. One thing led to another, and now I'm your mother's new boytoy."
"And you're happy with this arrangement?" Ren asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Are you seriously asking me if I'm happy getting to shoot my load into a hot, femdom-obsessed MILF every night?"
"...Alright, yeah, that's probably a dumb question."
"So does that mean you actually aren't doing this at least partly to get back at Weiss for rejecting you so hard?" Pyrrha asked.
"See, I could answer that question in as straightforward a way as humanly possible, but I don't feel like it," Jaune said. "Instead, I think a demonstration is in order." He cleared his throat, then turned to Weiss. "Doin your mom doin doin your mom; Doin your mom doin doin your mom; Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom; You know we straight with doin your mom."
Weiss didn't even bother to glare at him. Instead, she just got up and stormed off in a huff, not even looking behind her as she went. Jaune watched her go, chuckling the entire time.
"I'm gonna wake up frozen to my bed tomorrow," he stated. "But that was worth it."
True to his expectations, he did, in fact, wake up frozen to his bed the next morning, courtesy of Weiss. Thankfully, he thawed out quickly enough thanks to Jacqueline's judicious application of Fire Dust, so the day could go on as usual.
And go on as usual, it did. It was a regular day for the most part, aside from that time he happened to walk in on Cardin and Velvet making out in one of the stairwells. No, that pairing didn't make any sense; yes, it left him scarred for life to imagine what could have possibly brought those two together. But that was beside the point – for most part, it was just a regular day of school.
Until night fell, that is.
Jaune was at his desk in his dorm, trying to study. Generally that was easier said than done since he lived with Nora, and she was basically a little gremlin who threw a fit if she wasn't constantly being entertained in some way, but thankfully she was napping right now, so he didn't have to worry about that. Instead, it was just him and the books.
At least, until there was a knock at the door.
Experience had taught him that when someone came knocking, it was generally because bullshit was about to happen somehow. He'd made a promise to himself to never again open the door for shenanigans after that time Yang talked him into making an El Mongo Stink Bomb with her – the janitors were still trying to scrape the stains off the gym's ceiling, and he still had a year's worth of detentions with Miss Goodwitch. But alas, his teammates hadn't quite gotten the memo on that yet.
"I've got it," Ren said.
"Ren, no!' Jaune cried.
But it was too late – Ren threw open the door, revealing none other than Weiss and her mother. Jaune paused for a moment, then relaxed. Thankfully, it was just Weiss – if it was Ruby or Yang or even Blake, that'd be cause for concern. But it was just Weiss, so how bad could it possibly be?
"My other mother is on my scroll," Weiss announced. "She wants to talk to you, Jaune."
He stood corrected. Jaune heaved a heavy sigh of resignation, then stood up and marched over to where Weiss and Jacqueline were standing. Weiss looked very smug and proud of herself, whereas Jacqueline didn't seem to care one way or the other.
Whether that was because there genuinely wasn't anything to care about or because she was just really good at staying in-character, he couldn't quite figure out.
Jaune accepted Weiss' scroll, staring down at the video call on the screen. "Hello?"
Missus Schnee – the other one, that is; Willow, he recalled – stared. She had a blank look on her face, like she wasn't sure what she was supposed to be looking at.
"Who are you?" she asked.
Immediately, Weiss' expression fell. "Mom, this is Jaune. He's Mother's new boytoy."
Willow squinted to get a better look at him, then shrugged. "Meh. I've had better."
"Mom!" Weiss protested. "You're supposed to be telling Jaune off for dating Mother, and then threatening to use your vast resources as a member of the Schnee family to bring him down!"
"Was I? I can't remember; I'm drunk, honey."
"What do you mean, you're drunk?! You were completely sober when I called you not even two minutes ago!"
"I got thirsty waiting for you to cross the hall so I cracked open a few bottles of vodka." She raised an almost-drained bottle and shook it for emphasis. "See? Just about bone dry, and that's bullshit. This stuff goes too fast. They really should sell it in gallon jugs."
Weiss didn't seem certain of what to think. "I… I just…" She sighed tiredly. "Just… tell Jaune that he needs to end this farce of a relationship."
"Why? It's not like her and I love each other anymore," Willow pointed out. "She can get her kicks however she wants. If that includes hopping on his dick, that's fine by me. Personally, I'm busy doing the same thing."
"What?!" Weiss asked. "Who-"
"This Huntsman from Vale – he's a real charmer. He can't really hold his liquor, though – I drink him under the table every time he comes to Atlas for a booty call. I think his name is Owl, or something?"
"Qrow, you mean?" Jaune ventured.
"That's the name," Willow said. "See, Weiss? Josh here isn't all bad – he helps me remember."
"It's Jaune, actually," he replied.
"Sure thing, James."
"Jaune."
"Whatever, Jim. Anyway, Weiss, you and Joe here should kiss and make up already. He has my blessings to continue dating your mother, since it's not like she's going to sleep with me again any time soon."
"Mom!" Weiss protested.
Willow waved her off. "Oh, hush. Sex is a natural part of life. You're just upset because Johann here-"
"Jaune."
"-Jack isn't giving you the dick like he is your mother, even though he was making moves on you first. Probably shouldn't have refused him, but what can you do, I guess? I suppose that if worst comes to worst, you can always hook up with that girl you're always talking about… what's her name again? Garnet?"
"Ruby," Jaune answered.
"Diamond, that's it. Just hook up with Apatite already so she can pull that stick out of your ass and replace it with something a lot sexier."
Weiss grit her teeth. "I can't believe this," she stated. "This is absolutely ridiculous! You're just going to let this… this… lower life form get in a relationship with your wife?!"
"We're married purely in the legal sense," Willow explained calmly. "There's no love there. You of all people should recognize that."
"Then why stay married in the first place?! Get a divorce and – I can't believe I'm saying this – move in with Qrow!"
"Pigeon and I are keeping things on a purely casual level," Willow said evenly.
"Casual how?!"
"Casual in that he fucks me in every one of my holes while I call him Daddy, and then we kiss each other goodnight and go our separate ways. Then I spend the next few weeks edging myself until he comes back. It's quite something, really. I'd recommend you try it, but we both know you're not getting any right now. You should really ask Joey-"
"Jaune," he corrected.
"Steven-"
"Okay, now you're just doing it on purpose."
"-To fix that for you," Willow finished. "I'm sure your mother would be more than happy to allow you a free ride one time, just to break the eternal dry spell."
"Let me get this straight," Weiss began. "You're seriously suggesting that I approach Mother and ask her if she's okay with her boyfriend – who's less than half her age, mind you – sleeping with me, purely because you don't think I should take things slow and wait for the right person? Am I understanding that correctly?"
"I mean, you called me up and asked how to break these two up," Willow pointed out. "Getting him to sleep with you would be a good start. Nobody likes a cheater, after all."
"It's not really cheating if he asks and I give him permission," Jacqueline pointed out. "I mean, it's weird and I'm not going to do it, but it's technically not cheating."
"Wow, good to see that at least one of you has some decency," Jaune said. "Shame that it's the openly racist one."
Jacqueline raised an eyebrow. "Are you trying to earn yourself three straight hours of cunnilingus?"
"Don't threaten me with a good time, Mistress."
"Oh Gods, I'm gonna puke," Weiss said, covering her mouth. She instantly turned and ran from the room, leaving all of them standing there. Jaune watched her go, then turned his attention back to the scroll.
"So," he said, "is it actually true that everyone except for Jacqueline exclusively refers to Whitley as Shitley? I vaguely remember Weiss mentioning that."
Willow blinked. "Wait, his name isn't actually Shitley?"
"I suppose that answers that question. Be seeing you, ma'am."
With that, Jaune ended the call.
"Well, that was fun," he announced. "Who wants a mustache ride?"
"Oh, I do!" Jacqueline replied excitedly.
"Damn right. I knew there was a reason why I started growing this thing, and it wasn't just because you asked me to."
The days passed without issue, and for a little while, Jaune thought that would be the end of Weiss' many varied attempts to get him to break up with her mother. In retrospect, that was probably wishful thinking on his part, but still.
The next big attempt came, as they often do, when the group was sitting down for lunch, listening to Jacqueline speak on business theory a bit.
"I just don't understand," Nora said, confused. "So the whole point of slave labor isn't actually to turn a profit?"
"Of course it isn't," Jacqueline said. "We could just as easily use robots to do the really dangerous work if we wanted to. We just don't want to."
"Why?"
"Because Atlas doesn't like the animals, that's why. It really is amazing what you can get away with when you pay the government and the media to not care about what you're doing. Honestly, you should all be happy that I'm stopping with just racism – I could legitimately make you all live in pods and eat bugs if I so desired."
"But you won't, because then I'd have to withhold the sex," Jaune pointed out.
"Oh, Jaune. It's funny that you think you have a choice. After all, I could always pay off the politicians to make it a legal requirement that you have sex with me, or pay off the media to report on you until you cave to my demands."
"Wow, and to think I used to believe that dating a villainness would be hot," Ren observed.
"I mean, it still kinda is," Blake admitted. "Sure, she's oppressing my race and slowly softly genociding us. Sure, she's got all of Remnant's most powerful people in her pocket and there's nothing we can do about it. Sure, she's blatantly evil… but that ass, though."
"You noticed!" Jacqueline said, happily. "Just for that, I'll make sure you get an extra serving of crickets in your rations when I do end up forcing the Faunus to live in pods."
"Thank you, Mommy," Blake said.
Every shied away from Blake, disturbed. Apparently, they hadn't gotten used to her degeneracy just yet.
"Hey, I just noticed something," Ruby observed. "Where's Weiss, anyway? I haven't seen her since last night."
"Oh, boy," Yang announced. "Is it happening?"
"Is what happening?" Pyrrha asked.
"Oh, like you don't know. This is totally the part where Weiss is going to try one last time to break up Jaune and her mother."
As if on cue, the doors to the cafeteria came flying open, and Weiss walked in. Curiously enough, she was dressed in nothing but a tiny polka-dot bikini. She paid no attention to the various jeers thrown her way as she walked, instead heading straight for their table and then sitting in Jaune's lap.
Obviously, Jaune had to raise an eyebrow at that. "Weiss, what are you doing?"
"Seducing you," she replied. "How's it working? Are you seduced yet?"
"No."
"Okay, hold still while I grind my butt against you."
"Before you do that," Jaune interrupted, thankfully stopping her. "Mind explaining what brought this on?"
"I thought it'd be obvious," Weiss said. "This is my final attempt to break you and my mother up."
"Ha! Called it," Yang announced.
Weiss ignored her. "Anyway, I figured that you've always wanted me, so here I am, offering my body to you. All you have to do is break up with my mother."
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen," Jaune deadpanned. "And before you ask why, it's simple – your mother doesn't love you, so why should I?"
"Ouch," Nora observed. "That's a fucking third-degree burn, right there. Bordering on fourth-degree. Seriously, that's a sick-ass burn, Jaune."
"Why do you care about this so much, anyway?" Jaune asked. "You don't even like your mother."
"Easy," Weiss answered. "I can't bear the thought of you being my stepdad. So in lieu of that, I'm offering my body to you."
"I think your priorities might be a little misplaced, there," Ruby pointed out.
"I don't care. My virginity is worth not having to suffer through Jaune's inevitable dad jokes."
"...Alright, yeah, maybe you do have a point."
"Oh, come on, my dad jokes wouldn't be that bad," Jaune protested.
Everyone gave him a blank stare. He glared at them in response. "Man, screw you guys. I'm so mad, I'm gonna have sex with my girlfriend so I won't be so mad."
With that, he took Jacqueline by the hand and stormed off, pushing Weiss of his lap in the process. She stared at him in open-mouthed disbelief as he walked away.
"Wait!" she called. "Where are you going?! This is a perfectly good opportunity to throw a good relationship away!"
"Is this really what we're considering a good relationship?" Pyrrha asked. "Jaune's literally dating a villain. The only way she could be more evil is if she was part Grimm."
"I mean, have you seen the standards for relationships in this world?" Yang asked. "This is just par for the course, if you ask me."
"I just realized something," Ren announced. "Nora, you declared awhile back that Jaune would get his someday, yet he still hasn't yet. What's up with that?"
"Well, it's simple," Nora answered. "He's dating a femdom-obsessed MILF who makes him wear a collar with her name on it. I figure at this point it's only a matter of time until she starts the CBT, and that's revenge enough for me."
"Good point," Ren said with a nod. "Moment of silence for our fallen comrade."
"May he rest in hell," Weiss grumbled.
Yang gave her a comforting pat on the shoulder. "It's okay, Weiss. Just because you pissed away a good relationship, that doesn't mean it's all over for you. I mean, some people are actually into old maids."
Weiss' scream of rage broke every window in the cafeteria.
Yes, it's a day early, mainly because I'll be going to a funeral this weekend on very short notice and probably won't have time to upload it on Saturday. Sorry, everyone - I'll get back on schedule next time.
Not much to say, except that there's only two chapters left. Yeah, probably should have mentioned that earlier, but I'm mentioning it now, so... yeah, two left. Make of that what you will. Sorry I could make it to the funny meme number, but I cannot do another seven of these, lol.
Next update: Saturday, May 21.