Chapter Forty-Eight - Shakespeare said;
The Journey so far had been a long and almost silent one; both of them attempting to speak to one another but it often ended in a conversation running dry, both admitting defeat and slipping into a silence for a little while longer. Elizabeth was curled up into the door, her body closed over trying to generate some heat as the early hours of the morning crept around on the final leg of their journey.
'Here' He slipped his outer coat off and handed it over to her 'This should help you warm up, I'll get Matt to turn up the heating' he smiled softly, laying it down on the seat next to her before leaning into the front asking Matt to turn the heating up a little, and roll the partition up. Elizabeth caught the sight of the partition out of the corner of her eye but decided not to comment, figuring she'd find out why there was a need for privacy soon.
'Better?' He asked
'Yes Thanks' she smiled as she pulled his coat over her body.
'Thank you for doing this, I do appreciate it' He offered and she nodded, a small smile falling on her lips, her tiredness creeping in. Henry shook his head in annoyance, the sheer silence from Elizabeth was irritating him; they had become so distant that he took it personally, not allowing himself a second thought to consider the fact she might be tired. He was sick of the silence between them so dug a little deeper, wanting a reaction from her.
'Didn't realise the typical DC bureaucrat cared enough to help others with nothing in return these days' he mumbled, taking a huge swipe at Elizabeth and the state department in his passing. Elizabeth's eyes rolled from the window and fell on him, her body tense and her mouth closed as she glared at him. Elizabeth simply shook her head and turned back to look out the window; she had nothing left to give, physically, mentally or emotionally, she was done with the push pull game between them.
'Are you ok?' Henry asked cautiously, the lack of response from her concerned him; all the years he had known him she was never one to take criticism lightly, especially when untrue. Elizabeth was often fiery and would always stand her ground. His gaze fell softly as he watched her body lower into the seat, her exhaustion becoming more evident as the seconds rolled by.
'I don't have the energy to get mad at you if that's what you mean' she mumbled, not wanting to engage with him if he was just going to continue to take hurtful digs at her. Her eyes try to close as she keeps forcing them open.
'Sorry, it was an unnecessary comment. I've been a little tense lately' he sighed heavily, pulling his gaze from her and to his feet, regret flowing freely as he sighed heavily.
'Can I ask you something?' She slowly turned to face him, her body still from tiredness, her eyes flickering softly but her mind racing, firing on all cylinders as she looked at Henry, the man who was once her everything. He nodded and pressed his lips together as he captured her gaze in his.
'Did you believe the article in that magazine?' She whispered into the delicate air between them. Henry tilted his head and furrowed his brow as he looked on, a little shocked at her question, it wasn't what he expected. 'Alison told me, then Jason told me about the argument. You haven't mentioned it and I'm not quite sure why I want to know, but did you?'
'For a moment yeah, I think it was more in relation to the fact I was angry with the world because of our situation, angry with the US government because Talia had just been taken and then Jason read that, you were the common denominator in all of it, I guess I needed someone to be angry at, or a situation that made my anger proportionate' he sighed heavily
'Did it help?'
'Not really, I find it hard, coming to terms with everything'
'Hmm' she agreed
'I constantly go over every detail, agonising over words chosen, or tone of voice used in situations with all those little intricate details, wondering if things had been different, if one tiny thing was different would any of this have happened. You know like if I said no to being Dimitri's asset, or I didn't leave Geneva early would you have left with Conrad or would we have gone before, or just after, maybe missing the whole attack, or if I hadn't gone to Pittsburgh would I have come back with the papers. I just can't escape any of it.' His words opened up a deeper conversation than Elizabeth had intended, but one she found herself drawn into, for the first time in a long time she found herself wholeheartedly agreeing with him.
'Or If I hadn't had gone to Iran, or had been more honest on my return, had the space to see that you telling me everything after Geneva was impossible because you were still processing your own anger, or what if I just took the time to question you about the divorce papers, stop you even going to Pittsburgh maybe, all of it. You're not alone in that one Henry' she sighed heavily, her heart hurting as she confided in him, an action that was needed many, many months ago.
'Sometimes it feels like this is for the best, but then it's the-' He started to speak but he got cut off as Elizabeth finished his sentence, she was finally back in sync with him
'It's the worst thing I've ever been through' Her gaze fell to her fingers, her wedding ring still in situ as she dipped her thumb into her palm, seeking the back of her wedding band, gently rubbing it for comfort.
'Are you ok? I got a little concerned earlier when you didn't bite my head off for my snide comment' He half chuckled, trying to lighten the mood a little.
'I'm fine, I'm just really tired. I was out last night with the Russian foreign minister until late, then I went to the white house, home to shower and straight into work, this is going to take another few hours after the exchange, then I have to report back to the white house so it will be morning before I even get home again, which means straight back to work' she rambled on but Henry stopped her
'I mean you, not Secretary of State Elizabeth, Elizabeth McCord, is she ok?' He asked and she let out a shaky sigh.
'She doesn't even know who she is right now Henry, I'm tired of all of this between us but I don't think trying to rectify it is even an option. I hate that every time I call you I am met with a stone wall of anger, it's how I spent the last few months before the divorce, I don't want to spend the rest of our lives separated and like it too' she spoke with a little grit in her speech, her tiredness not able to mask her irritability.
'Anything is rectifiable if we try' He offered her an olive branch, but as soon as it was extended Elizabeth snapped the branch before him.
'I am so tired of compromise, I don't think I can even hear another apology from you Henry, if I am honest they're too late, I needed them months ago. We keep on falling short of one another's expectations, even now. I couldn't do it, I couldn't go through the hardship of trying to make this work, put our kids through all of that just for it to not work out again. I cannot take this failing again. Being in love with you and having to separate has ruined me; you've ruined me' she sniffled, her eyes watering as she lay her bones bare. Henry nodded, his own emotions rising as he tried to comprehend her words.
He glanced out the window and noted the car had pulled to a stop, he turned back to Elizabeth, desperate to continue but she stopped him.
'Don't, we've said enough, far too much actually it's why we're in this mess. I think it's best we try and move on. As Shakespeare famously said, expectation is the route of all heartache so, let's stop expecting us to magically rectify this and be happy again, because we won't.' She smiled sadly and wiped her own eyes. She slipped his coat from around her and handed it back over to him. 'Here, I hope they're not lying about It being Dimitri. The guys will direct you on how and when to move out there' she confirmed, bringing them crashing back down to reality.
Henry remained speechless, his mind conflicted between her words and his future actions to identify Dimitri. He slipped out of the motorcade, glancing back at her as he slowly closed the door, securing in his past as he moved on with his present.
Elizabeth inhaled shakily as she watched from the window, her mind pressing all thoughts of their conversation to the bottom as she watched Henry slowly walk towards the man they were about to collect. Her eyes narrowed as she watched him standing close by, and then it came; Henry's arms wrapped around the young boy and Peter Buckly was exchanged. A moment of relief fell over her as she felt happy for Henry, he finally got the closure he deserved, maybe now that closure had been found, things could be laid to rest for the final time.
Madam Secretary Prompt: Henry says something that he knows will make Elizabeth angry, but discovering that she doesn't even have the energy to get properly mad is even worse. (Or vice versa). from LilacMermaid
Madam Secretary Prompt: "You've ruined me' = From LilacMermaid