Chapter Fifty - One - The Letter

'Good Evening Elizabeth, It's been a while, how are you?' Dr Sherman asked as she watched Elizabeth take a seat opposite her.

'I've been ok, mainly, well sometimes, maybe not' she continued to correct herself, chuckling slightly at her own statement. Dr Sherman smiled warmly at her.

'It's better than saying I'm fine' She raised her brows and Elizabeth chewed her lip with a small nod of the head

'True'

'So, things have not been so good?' She asked. Watching as Elizabeth slipped back into the seat a little more.

'Not particularly, I've stopped crying everyday so that's a bonus, but things are still tough, the press are relentless, we've had issues with Jason in school, Henry and I continue to argue, our daughter has recently got engaged, work has been busy, it feels like everyone is attacking me every five minutes, it's, yeah, tough' she let out a huge sigh as she allowed her mouth to untangle her thoughts.

'That's a lot to have happened since I last saw you, anything in particular you want to focus this session on?'

Elizabeth screwed her face as she contemplated which of her thoughts were weighing heaviest on her.

'I just want this all to be over' she admitted, her hands sinking into her lap as she locked eyes with Dr Sherman.

'I can understand that, it's been a long few weeks, months even.' Dr Sherman offered her sympathetic smile.

'It's been ten weeks and six days since we officially announced it to the public, but it's been thirteen weeks and four days for Henry and I. Not that I am counting' she replied sarcastically

'It's important to you, you're going to recall how long it's been'

'I thought It would get easier as time went on, you know? Like I would get used to it, warm to the idea almost but it's just getting harder. I had to ask my staff to try and push the divorce through quicker, I just need this to be over now' Her lips twisted as she spoke, her lungs expanding deeply as she inhaled, a silent exhale through the nose as she tried to remain calm.

'Is that the press making things difficult?' Dr Sherman asked

'Yes, they're quite relentless, and I almost want to shove the finalisation of the divorce in their hands so they can leave me alone'

'Do you think it will stop them?' She pushed Elizabeth a little further

'No, but I think it will stop me looking back, once it's finalised it's done. That's it then' she sighed heavily, her gaze falling to her hands, her fingers reaching out to twist her wedding band.

'Are you looking back now?'

'No' Elizabeth lied. Dr Sherman nodded and lifted her pen, the ink spilling onto the pages. 'What do you write in there?' Elizabeth asked

'Just notes, key pointers to refresh my memory'

'What did you write then?' She bit her lip nervously and Dr Sherman laughed

'I wrote that you're having doubts about this divorce, I know you just lied to me' she highlighted and Elizabeth dipped her head sheepishly. 'But I write them down rather than discuss because I figure you'd bring that topic to me when you're ready' she continued and Elizabeth silently thanked her.

'Elizabeth, you are making such wonderful progress with opening up and explaining more to me, I will never push you unless I think you're ready' She explained.

'Thank you' she smiled softly 'I wrote a letter this week' Elizabeth offered

'About? Too?'

'To Henry, about how I feel, but I never gave it to him. It's sitting on his bedside table at the house'

'How did you find it?'

'It was ok, It felt good to say some things out loud and I admitted some buried truths in there, which is why he will never see it. It would complicate the whole situation' Elizabeth ran her hand through her hair and sighed softly. 'It's complex enough' she mumbled, her mind flickered back to her morning routine. She remembered walking around to his side, folding his marine tee, placing it on the dressing table, the pink glasses on top as she changed the covers, but she didn't recall seeing the letter.

'The letter' she gasped, her eyes widening as she looked up at Dr Sherman, her eyes darting back and forth as her brain replayed her morning movements on repeat.

'Elizabeth? Is everything ok?' She asked and Elizabeth shook her head, panic setting in. Her breathing deepened as she covered her mouth with her hand.

'I need to go, I need to find this letter. Sorry, I, I'll get Blake to call you' she called out behind her as she rushed out of the door and towards her motorcade…

— MS —

Henry walked out of his front door and towards the stables on the farm, his feet carried him a little quicker than his normal walking pace as his anxiety set in. His hands gripped the letter tighter as he walked off to find a space where he could have some privacy but also connect with Elizabeth. He took a seat on the bench just down from Buttercup's stable, his hands trembling as he folded the paper, his eyes gripped on the ink instantly.

Dear Henry,

I miss you. Can I say that? I don't say that lightheartedly either. I miss every aspect of you, the smell of your aftershave has left the house, your floss that I hate? I want it back, the sound of silence when I come home instead of you and the kids hurts. I am not quite sure why I am writing this letter, I guess these are things I won't verbalise.

I need to tell you that I've asked Mike B to see if he can push the divorce through quicker; for selfish reasons I have to admit. I can't do this anymore Henry. It's too painful to have this dragged out longer and I am afraid there will be nothing left of me if this takes the normal route. I am more afraid there will be nothing left of us. I know you're angry with me and I am so sorry for hurting you Henry.

I sat and spent the evening talking to Stevie about her engagement, talking to her about our lives. She asked me if I had any regrets marrying you given the path we took, but I didn't, don't. Truth is I would do it all over again but better next time. You have given me everything in life I could have asked for and more. I am sorry that I let our flame burn out Henry, that I betrayed you by siding with Conrad and not doing more to support you in that situation. You're right, I get blindsided by my job, at times but I realise now that was never the issue, it was the fact I put my job above the family, above us. Something I vowed I'd never do.

I cannot bear to think of our story as incomplete, that's why I need our ending Henry. You were my everything, if I got a chance to relive any moment and have a 'do over' it would be the moment I signed those papers. I was so angry at you for getting them, I felt like you gave up on us, on me. In many ways I guess you felt the same, that I'd given up on us, and you. If you did think that, I need you to know that is not the truth, I would never give up on you Henry. You are my everything. Even as I try to adjust to my new found reality, you're still the first thought in the morning, my last thought at night and every other thought in between.

Thank you for being a wonderful father to our three children, and for being the best husband to me. You made me Elizabeth McCord and for that I am eternally grateful. She's made of strong stuff because of the man beside the woman. I'll miss you filling that spot next to me, it will never be anyone else's.

If I ever send this letter, or give you the opportunity to read it please don't act on my words. I know that is a dangerous request and one that is going to hurt me and probably you more than ever but, I've spent the last ten weeks trying my hardest to overcome you, I can't go through that again, I don't want to put you through that either. I hope you find someone who can give you everything I couldn't, and even more. You deserve the world and I am so sorry I couldn't give it to you, but it's not mine to give.

Thank you for all of the memories, the love and the happiness. I will forever be thankful that we happened, that Hank and Elibet became a thing, and more.

Please don't become a stranger. You're all I know.

All my love,

Always

Elizabeth

*Ring Ring * Ring Ring *

Henry sniffled and wiped his eyes, his hand still holding the letter as he took his phone from his pocket, fresh tears falling as he checked the caller ID.

'Henry? Henry, did you take the letter? The letter with your name on it? In the bedroom? I've been trying to find it and I can't I-' The sound of Elizabeth's frantic voice rushed down the phone and to his ear. He let out a broken sob, his mind unable to form a sentence as her words swam around.

'Oh no you did' she gasped with sadness 'Henry..' Her voice trailed off, the sound of him breaking tore her heart apart, the tears she thought she was done with pricked at her eyes once again.

'Eliza-

'Don't, Henry you should never have read that letter' she exchanged her cries for a stoic gritty tone, her words sharp.

'I don't even know what I am meant to say, what does this mean?' He sniffled as he cleared his throat, his hand wiping his eye once again. The letter still in his grasp, a reminder of her words visible.

'Nothing, I don't want you to respond Henry. I've got to go, I'm sorry' she whispers and quickly ends the call, unable to take another second of hearing him breakdown because of her.

Henry let the phone drop from his ear, his mind racing with him as he sat in shock, his hands trembling as he read the letter over and over, his mind searching for an answer, a response, anything that told him what to do with this.