Chapter Fifty Seven - Old Habits Die Hard
Elizabeth walked down the corridor of the seventh floor towards her office. She flashed a grin to Blake from a distance, a smile which tried to hide a thousand thoughts and emotions that consumed her. Blake rose as Elizabeth neared him, his gaze fixed on hers, concern growing daily as she continued to push through everything, especially since Blake had learnt about the assault in the Philippines upon Elizabeth's return home to Washington DC just four days ago.
'Good Afternoon Madam Secretary' He smiled and greeted her with a firm nod. She let her eyes wander of his posture, silently greeting him with another smile as she walked past him and into her office, Blake hot on her heels.
'Ma'am, If you have a minute I have something of a somewhat personal matter to discuss with you' he asked cautiously as he stepped into the office, watching as Elizabeth shed herself of her coat, throwing it aimlessly on the couch.
Blake walked over and picked it up, wiping down the creases before they emerged and hanging it up for her, his back to her when he started to respond to him.
'I would rather not meet Henry if that's what you're going to ask' she sighed heavily and ran her hand through her hair, her body collapsing into her office chair.
'Wha- How did-?'
'I know Henry, I know he wants to meet and I also know that you only reserve the phrase 'personal matter' for my family or me, so I took a guess' she grinned, chuckling slightly at the perplexed expression on his face. Blake studied her for a moment, wanting to push through the professional Elizabeth exterior, desperate to reach out to her as a friend but unsure how.
'Not the answer you were looking for?' Elizabeth looked up over her glasses as her eyes narrowed on him, his silence ringing in her ears. He shook his head apologetically as he nervously walked closer to her desk.
'May I?' He gestured to the chair. Elizabeth sat back and sighed, she knew from the caution that he was going to blur the professional line with her, she inhaled deeply and signalled for him to take a seat.
'Permission to be frank Ma'am?' He requested respectfully and she silently nodded. 'I couldn't help but notice you were later back from your last meeting than planned, is everything ok?' Elizabeth tilted her head and chewed at her lip, she was not expecting him to lead with that.
'I took myself to the doctors if you must know, everything is fine before you panic, I just wanted to have a routine check after what happened, just to take back some control that's all. ' she brushed over the topic, a soft smile falling on her lips.
'And you're sure everything is ok?' He raised an eyebrow at her
'Yes, why?'
'It's just, you've not eaten a lot over the last few weeks. Just this week I was talking to your stylist for this military event and we were discussing how your dresses now need to be two sizes smaller, that's a significant change. I am worried about you Elizabeth' and there it was, the raw honesty from him, the titles dropped as he appealed to his friend, his concern hiding behind no barriers. She sighed heavily and nodded slowly.
'I know, the doctor did speak to me about it and suggested I take some time off but I can't'
'Of course you can'
'I can't Blake, if I don't work then I have nothing, the house is empty, I don't have anyone to relax with, or spend any time with, it will be me and the four walls of my bedroom, that will cause me more harm than working through this I promise' her tone gentle as she laid her truth out before him, one of the only people she had been able to confide in during these tough times.
'I am worry that you're going to exhaust yourself' he admitted
'Oh Blake, If I am honest with you I am already exhausted, I thought I was getting somewhere and then the last few days with the Philippines and Henry calling me, it's all made this so much harder than I could have imagined' her voice broke a little as she swallowed her emotion.
'That's how you knew he wanted to meet, he called?' He pressed her further.
'After the attack, and to be honest every day since. He doesn't believe that nothing happened, he is worried about me too I guess' she shrugged her shoulders, her tired eyes falling on to her desk as she dipped her head.
'How come you haven't told him?' He whispered
'How do I tell him? I know I wasn't raped but I still feel violated and I don't know how I am supposed to tell my ex husband that another man has touched me, without consent' she attempted to make sense of it all in her head, a headache emerging as she tried to process some clarity.
'It's not like you've entered into another relationship, Henry isn't going to judge you for this' Blake reassured her.
'I know, and that is what makes it harder, he will be so supportive and caring and it just makes it all the more confusing. We were finally in a good place, we were both moving on and, I guess I am scared this will just muddy the water even more' she ran her hand through her hair once again, contemplating telling Blake about their kiss in Pittsburgh a few weeks ago for a fleeting second before deciding against it. 'He isn't the person I confide in anymore, I need to remind myself that' she sighed heavily, her weary eyes falling to his, a soft smile on her face as she tried to ease his concern.
'I think Henry would want to know, I don't pretend to know the ins and outs of what has gone on but from the phone calls I've had today I can tell he is really concerned about you, his mind is probably in overdrive wondering what the hell happened, it might be kinder to tell him?' Blake suggested, trying hard to appeal to her but it was no use, she shook her head and refused the entry.
'Can I ask why? And I would like the truth' he raised his eyebrows at her, watching her giggle slightly as she pressed her lips together and closed her eyes, a pause in time to gather herself. Blake waited patiently for her to respond.
'I can't give him false hope. I had everything with him and I was absolutely broken inside after Iran, Geneva, everything. I kept it all together enough to where I would never let anyone down, but I kept it too much together to where I let myself down. I stopped being the wife he needed and I am so far from that person now that it would be unfair of me to allow him back into that without substantial change.' She gritted back tears as she smiled sadly, her heart on her sleeve for Blake to see, all the tiny fragments of her heart displayed before him.
'He was a habit that I didn't intend to have, yet I was addicted. He was dangerously comforting. I knew months ago that one day he would come to me asking for a divorce. I knew it would kill me from the inside out but I loved him so much It almost felt worth it. I can't put us through that again' she sniffled, her jaw shaking as she pushed her emotions out with slow controlled breaths.
Blake nodded softly, unsure of how to respond to her. He noticed the water glistening in her eyes, he cleared his throat and reached for the handkerchief in his top right pocket, slowly pulling it out and handing it to Elizabeth.
'I'll give you some time to yourself,' he whispered. She Nodded thanking him as she took his handkerchief and dabbed her eyes lightly, her head willing her not to break. 'Thank you for being honest with me' he smiled, taking in the sight of her for a moment before heading for the exit.
'Blake?' She called 'Could you order me some lunch please?' She pushed herself beyond her comfort zone, determined to regain her strength. Blake smiled and nodded firmly, leaving her alone for a few minutes to compose herself.