Chapter Sixty Four - Even-though, Part 2

'Elizabeth-'

'Please stop' she whispered, her cries lodged within her throat as she closed her eyes, allowing the moment of darkness to calm her senses. She broke the silence with a small sniffle, her hand reaching to wipe against her face as she wiped her own tears.

'This is hurting me too' Henry whispered, his voice laced in broken sobs as he watched her fall apart, uncertain of how to act. Elizabeth allowed her head to roll to the side, her eyes peeling open, blinking rapidly as her vision cleared to focus. As she looked at him it hit her; Clarity.

She was able to see all the mess and destruction so clearly, nothing was masked, or hidden behind yelling, lies, or closed body language. Just the raw, honest emo- tion of their own wrong doings before them. He hurt her and she had hurt him, it was simple really.

Elizabeth began to nod slowly, accepting Henry's statement but also accepting their fate, for in that moment she no longer wanted to place blame, it wasn't Henry's fault for asking for the divorce, nor was it the fault of his involvement with Dimitri, nor her job, Iran, Geneva, Charlotte, none of it.There was no significant event which caused the divorce entirely; no trauma or major betrayal that took place, it was just them.

The fault lay with just the two of them and their inability to communicate through all of those elements which made up their entire lives together.

'I am angry about a lot of things Henry, I expect you are too but I can't keep going over and over them in my head' she whispered, her words thick with sorrow. Henry removed his glasses and wiped his eyes, his head firmly nodding as he too sought out clarity in that moment.

'I don't want to fight with you Elizabeth, that was never my intention though any of this. I feel I need to explain myself, if that's ok?' He asked, tentatively looking to her sad eyes as she silently willed him to continue.

'I honestly don't know how I came to have the divorce papers in my hand in your office, I've thought about it every day since but the process of it happening is get- ting more and more blurred, I now doing fully recall if I picked them up on my way home from Pittsburgh or on my way to your office, that doesn't matter, my point is, at the time I was angry, full of so much rage and uncertainty that it felt like an op- tion, it was something I thought would shock you into realising where I was at in this marriage.' He sighed and readjusted his seating position before continuing. 'In the office when we started to argue and I threw them on the table, that was out of anger and spite, that didn't come from a place of love and wanting to stop hurting you like I had previously said. Despite that, I do feel like that now, that deep down some- where I was right. Had none of this happened I don't think we would be in a much better position, in fact I don't think we would even be talking-'

'I don't either' she whispered

'I know I have hurt you and I am truly sorry for that, I love you so much and I do not want to let you go, but I finally agree with you. You said to me months ago that you didn't see how we would come back from this if we kept going the way we were, you were right. There was no coming back from that and Elizabeth I would rather have you in my life as a very special person who I can no longer call my wife than to not have you in my life at all. So Elizabeth, I am sorry to be the one to break your heart into a million fragments with this divorce, but I also hope that in us parting and finding ourselves again, we can restore some of our connection one day.

Elizabeth looked down into her lap, tears rolling off her cheeks as she searched in- side for anything to grasp and gain control. His words lingering at her ears, threat- ening to invade her mind.

'Thank you' she sighed and pinched her nose to stop her tears from falling. 'It doesn't make it any easier to digest, but I do appreciate the honesty, so thank you' she repeated. Elizabeth slipped her hand back into her lap and flicked her hair from her face with a swift move of her head, her cold grey eyes latching onto Henry's.

'Can I be honest with you?' She asked and no nodded silently 'I am sorry that you and the kids have had to watch me self destruct for so many months. After Iran and Geneva I felt like I was drowning, being caught in the crossfire with you and not being in a position to help you process your anger around things. Geneva hit me hard, the physical recovery, my memory loss, the anxiety, just trying to mask all of that whilst feeling like I had on one had made the right decision by my country but not by my family was extremely challenging. I wasn't fair on anyone during those times' she cleared her throat and pressed her lips together whilst she dug deep for the courage to continue.

'And even recently, I know Alison has told you about me not eating, and probably drinking too. I also know you said you need me to be ok so you can move on but It's not that simple. I haven't been great with my eating lately I can admit that, but I have spoken to doctors and to Blake, and Dr Sherman too, everyone is on board and that's something I am working on' she paused again

'And the drinking? Alison did mention how she noticed you were drinking more wine than normal, I only worry because I seen my father with a drinking addiction and well, you know how I feel about that' he pushed her softly

'Everyone's got it wrong, I don't have a problem I could stop, I really could, I just don't want to' she tried to explain, sighing as she realised just how vague she was being. 'Remember the night we sat and talked about the kids going to the farm or staying here?'

'Yeah?' He furrowed his brow

'You came home after me, I was sitting at the kitchen table and you came in and asked if you could join me. We knew we needed to talk and that it was going to be difficult so you poured me a glass of red wine and told me it would help. It didn't help, it doesn't help now it just makes the constant headache worse, but from that night on, everything in that house changed, except the wine' her gaze had moved and was fixed on the seat just past Henry as her mind replayed that moment over and over.

'It probably sounds so stupid but it became my only constant. I struggle seeing you so much. Mike has suggested that we don't meet in public anymore, perhaps we keep any meetings to private, or we cool off and don't meet up for a while. It's just with everything being in the papers and my job role he thinks it will be better-" Henry cut her off

"Better for the optics" he sighed heavily, his mind tired of the same conversation with her, it always came down to the optics. Henry sat in silence, he didn't know how to respond, the glimmer of insight she had just offered him moments ago had shown him the depth of her sorrow, and now this.

'I don't know if after this we will ever really speak again, or we may never be us again, or talk like we used to be able to talk. But even from a distance, I'll always be on your team Elizabeth' Henry reassured her, his voice breaking under the heavi- ness of his sadness.

Elizabeth sat in silence, too afraid to speak as her mouth held her cries. Henry placed his glasses back on and shifted towards the door, slowly reaching for the handle.

'I'd like to think that if we never speak again one day you'll look back on me fondly as someone who didn't fear the future with you by your side. I hope you remember that I was someone who loved you in the best way I knew how, even if it wasn't always what you wanted, or needed. I'd like to think you'll remember me as someone you could have spent your life with if only the timing had been better, if only we worked for it just a little bit harder.' Her words escaped into the space between them.

Silence.

There was nothing left for either of them to say to one another. A new chapter in their books was about to begin.

'I'll walk from here, Goodnight Elizabeth McCord,' he whispered as he pushed the door open and stepped outside.

'Goodnight Henry McCord, I hope you find happiness again' she whispered delicately, watching as he pressed his lips together holding in his emotion unable to respond. He slowly closed the door and Elizabeth could hear the muffled tones of his voice speaking to her DS agents before they got in the car and began to slowly drive back to her house.

And just like that it was time for a new chapter in her story, one where she didn't know what was going to become of her and Henry, nor if he would even be within her next few pages, but she would always remember every single time his name was scribbled in the books of her memories.

Elizabeth closed her eyes and placed her hands in her lap, her mind filtering through everything, old thoughts and new ones wading in.

Even Though she wished him happiness in the future, there was still obvious gaps in her fingers where his would fit perfectly. Even Though she knew it was over be- tween them she still had light hearted arguments with herself about letting him go. Even-though she felt a little heavier now that he wasn't hers, even-though there was a time they were both so sure this was forever and nothing could break them. Even Though they loved each other and lost the fight.

In the end she had sought her clarity and realised she was ok with the way he had to go, she just had to adjust to her new found life and be content with him being her even-though.