A/N: This is chapter five. It should be up with six and seven right behind it. Maybe eight too. We're almost finished people! Yay! I want to thank everyone who reviewed so far. If I haven't replied, I'm really sorry. But I've replied to most of my signed reviews. Thanks for all the positive comments. It's really pushed me along. Anyway, Please R & R! Thanks. -Mac
Disclaimer: I don't own Life with Derek, or 'Mary' by Saving Jane.
Chapter Five
Nobody to Blame
Points her finger
But there's nobody to blame
All the people in her memory look the same...
I got home just minutes before Derek and was halfway up the stairs on my way to my room when he came through the door. At first I was going to just ignore him and finish the journey to my room. With my new found revelation I didn't really want to be in the same room as him. But then again, I was curious as to what had gone on after the two had left the cafeteria. I was so confused.
I left out a frustrated sigh and turned around, going back down the stairs. I met him at the bottom as he made to go up. I blocked his way, so he stepped back to look me in the eye. He gave a little smile and tillted his head in question. His eyes watched me expectantly.
"So..." I trailed off.
"What's up, Casey?" Derek asked.
"I just wanted to thank for everything you did today." I replied.
"You don't even know what I did today." Derek joked. Movement brought my gaze down and I watched him rub the knuckles of his right hand gently as he said it.
"What did you do?"
"Oh you know, I gave him the 'ol' one two.'" Derek smirked, using Marti's words sarcastically.
"I was serious."
"I know you were. It doesn't matter what I did. He's going to leave you alone from now on."
"Can you believe he thought this was for him?" I made a gesture down my body.
"Quick question. Who is this for?" Derek inquired, "Why are you doing this?"
Why was I doing this? Why was I doing this? How dare he ask me something like that. Who does he think he is? How dare he...
Why was I doing this?
I was doing this because Emily can't stop talking about Derek when she knows I can't stand it. Because I can't have a decent breakfast without something going wrong. Because I can't watch TV in my own house. Because I have to wait in line for a shower. Because my boyfriend couldn't stay faithful to me. Because he was stupid enough to let me catch him. Because Marti always seems to get her hands on my products. Because everything was complete crap before. But could I really blame everyone else?
It's not their faults things went so wrong for me. This was what I wanted. I wanted a change. And I got a change. This was what I wanted, there was nobody to blame.
"I don't know why I'm doing it. I know I'm doing it for myself. This is what I wanted." I finally answered, "I'm not doing this for Sam, or for any of the other guys at our school. I'm not doing it for anyone but myself."
I let out a sigh and sat down on the bottom step. To my surprise, a second later, Derek plopped down beside me.
"I don't think I'd like you doing it for anyone else." He said softly.
"And why is that?" I questioned.
"The same reason I punched my best friend in the mouth." Derek replied in response. He was avoiding a real answer.
"Which is?" I prodded, leaning in closer as if trying to hear the answer.
Derek mimicked my motion and said, "If you don't know, then it's not the right time for you to know."
He flashed me a smile and silently pushed himself up. He climbed the stairs and headed for his room. I didn't move—not even a flinch—until I heard the click of his door closing. Not until I knew he was safely away in his room, did I make my way up the stairs and into my room. I pushed the door closed and once it clicked shut I rested my forehead against it. I took deep breaths. In and out. In and out. I tried to slow my pounding heart. Why was it thundering so loudly, so quickly? What was wrong with me?
And what was wrong with Derek? Going on about 'the right time' and such. Was it the words or the proximity that made me feel such a way? Or was it both? Questions again, so many questions. Helplessness seeping in again.
I'll admit it. I care. So what? He's my stepbrother, why shouldn't I care? I should. That's the point right? I should care. At least a little. Then something Sam had said hit me. Popped me in the nose it did.
"But just how much do you care?"
How much did I care? I know that question was never directed at me, but I was asking myself now. How much did I care? Do I even know? God, I am so messed up right now.
Was Sam trying to imply something when he asked Derek that? Was he trying to say Derek cared more than he should? I don't understand how he could imply Derek cared at all. But then again, Derek himself said he cared. But just how much does he care? Damn, Sam must know something I don't. That's why Derek pulled him outside, so I wouldn't find out. Oh I don't know anymore. I'm just going crazy. That's it. They're driving me insane. They're pushing me over the edge.
But I have to know...Does Derek care about me? And if he does, in what way? Is it a stepbrother kind of care, or a friend kind of care? Or is it a something more kind of care? Eew. Wait. Why doesn't that gross me out? That should disgust me. Shouldn't it? Does that mean that the way I care about him is in...No. No way. It can't be. I can't feel that way about Derek. Not Derek. Never Derek. Forbidden. I forbid myself.
Who am I kidding?
This is a really serious thing now. I have to handle this like it's a really serious thing. I can't just blow this off like it's nothing. I blew my chance to blow it off. When it was a little something I could have had my chance, but now it's a big something--a really, really big something--and I can't anymore.
I have to sort myself out. Think rationally. Logic. Intelligent. Figure something out. You need something here, Casey. Focus. Anything. Please!
What am I doing? What am I thinking? What is going on up in this skull of mine? Why can't I think of anything? I can't get a single thought straight in my head. Why can't I? I don't know. I should, but I don't.
I've got nothing.
She says I won't apologize
Stand up girls and dry your eyes
And I'll see you on the other side of good
Where we sing...
Na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na
On the other side of good