A/N: Chapter six is up too! Yay! Two more chapters left. Seven might be up now, I'll see. Maybe eight too. It's coming to an end, almost closed. Sob. jk. I should have a new fic started soon after this one is complete. Thanks a bunch. R & R! -Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own Life with Derek, or 'Mary' by Saving Jane.

Chapter Six

No More Faking It

Everybody's favorite girl

Doesn't fake it anymore

I'm okay with who I am today...

Okay, I've accepted it. I had to accept it. I'm still not quite sure what it is, but I've accepted it. I have accepted that I have to accept it. I've accepted that it's not going away anytime soon. I've accepted that it's something I have to handle.

Whatever it is that I feel for Derek--and I'm still not sure what that is--and whatever he feels for me, which I'm still not sure of either, isn't a big deal. I can handle it, I know I can. I have confidence in myself in that area. I can do it. I know I can.

I refuse to fake myself out. I'm okay with everything I am, and everything I feel, today. I'm not a push over who ignores her feelings and waves everything off like it means nothing to me. This means something to me. I'm not going to ignore it. I refuse to.

That's what I would have done almost a week back. I would have convinced myself that it was absolutely nothing and to move on. That's exactly what I would have said. It's nothing. Leave it alone. And that's what I would have done. I would have left it alone. But what good would that have done me? It would just torment me all the more. Nothing would gt resolved. Doing nothing at all would get me just that: nothing at all. But I'm not that person anymore. I don't want to leave any loose ends.

Loose ends mean an unsolved situation, and an unsolved situation equals more questions. I can't deal with any more questions than the ones I already have. My job now is to answer those questions. If I can tie up those loose ends maybe I can get some answers. And answers I need.

I know I have to handle this, and soon. What I don't know is how I'm going to handle it. I can't even figure out what's going on in my head, and it's a scary thought to even imagine what goes on in Derek's head. And I couldn't just straight out ask him. That would be insane. I was just opening myself up to an outcome I wouldn't like. I had to at least ease into it. That way if I got some kind of sign that what I was thinking was crazy. I could back away and leave it alone without ever really revealing what I was going on about. But how to do that?

See this is why I don't like questions. Because most of the time even if you can find the answer to one it usually just leads to a new question. Even the simplest questions did that...How old are you? Sixteen. When's your birthday? And so on. Do you have any siblings? Yes. How many? One biological, three step. How old are they? And so on. A never ending cycle of pointless questions that won't mean anything to you in a day, a month, a year, but happen to be the center of your universe today, this moment, this second. That is why I hate having unanswered questions. It's impossible to rid yourself of them.

Just another thing on my list of things I hate. A list Derek used to top off. Well, I guess you could say he still does, because I hate him for leaving me with so many questions. Questions that I hate. I hate that I have to deal with them all, but I know I do. Because I can't fake anymore. I just can't pull off the facade anymore. I've made that impossible. I've broken out, provided myself with some strength and some confidence. And even if that has evaporated now the potential for it is still there. That potential kind of keeps me from falling back into old, bad habits. I've seen confidence. I've seen strength. Now I know I can deal with this thing, even if I don't know how to. I have the ability, the capability, the opportunity, to do it. And I know it. I have to do it--not to prove I can to others, but to prove to myself that I have it in me to do it.

And that's what I've wanted all along. To show myself that I can have the things that I want. To show myself I can be a confident, strong, brave person. To prove I have it in me. And now that I have, I can't go back to faking a smile when things don't go my way. I can't fake that happy anymore. I can't go back. I don't want to go back. I have to move forward.

The only thing that's stopping me from doing just that is this thing with Derek. It's got me in a rut. It's halted me in my tracks. The only way for me to move forward is to figure this out. So that's why I have to do this. For me to really go forward I have to answer these questions. The loose ends are holding me back.