Chapter 16: The Punchline
As soon as the teller started screaming Sirius knew the plan was fucked. They'd been so certain that everything would go without a hitch. Then suddenly the two conductors let out cries of alarm and rage and tackled the teller.
"Traitors!" The man shouted in horror, "Rebels! In our own b-" a silver clasp of some kind went over his face, silencing the rest of his cries.
"What do we do now?!" The one on the right cried.
"Shush!" The left snapped, "I'm thinking!"
"Uuuh…" Sirius began as casually as he could. "while your thinking, is it possible for one of you to open this vault?" The goblins turned to him with disgusted and simultaneously amazed expressions.
"You just asked us," the left one said, gesturing to himself and his companion, "to help you rob the bank?"
"Uh… yes," Sirius confirmed with a nod and a smile.
"You've got to be the stupidest wizard in existence." The right goblin muttered in awe.
"My nephew's girlfriend is trapped in there with the thing we were trying to steal," Sirius admitted flatly. "And he's going to be quite upset if I leave without her." The goblins gapped at him, squinting.
"Is he serious?" The left asked the other.
"Yes!" Sirius cried before he removed his disguise, "I see you've heard of me!"
"Sirius Black?!" The right cried with awe, "you're a wanted fugitive!"
"I know… like a broken record with me honestly." Sirius joked, "the remittance rate for Azkaban is truly tragic."
"The bank has gone into lockdown you idiot!" the goblin cried. "The only way you'd be getting in is with a manual override."
"Shit." Sirius wheezed. "Shit shit shit." he went back to the vault door and tried to see if he could hear if Susan was alright. But the door was so thick that he couldn't hear a thing.
"Move over!" one of the goblins suddenly cried. Sirius jumped back and watched as the two goblins pushed a strange silver key-like object, about as tall as the goblins, into the door and began turning it.
"Fangtor," the first goblin griped, "why are you such a sap?"
"I thought that was your favourite thing about me Gripnok?" the second offered with a cheeky grin. The goblin continued to grumble. Suddenly there was a sound of groaning metal and the door finally swung open, depositing Susan on the uneven ground with a yelp.
"What happened?! I heard alarms!" Susan cried. Sirius groaned.
"These two gave us away," he complained. Gripnok and Fangtor gave him a dirty look. "Well, you did!"
"Who are you?" Susan asked.
"My name is Fangtor," they said haughtily. "This is my husband Gripnok. We're soldiers of the rebellion."
"Rebellion?" Susan began. "What rebellion?"
"There are those of us who believe that wizards should not be allowed to dictate how we goblins do business." Gripnok began with a sneer. "We believe that goblins should remind you wizards just how much power we have over you, as some of you seem to have forgotten. Case in point! Stealing from the b-" the goblin cut himself off when he saw just what it was that Susan was holding. He narrowed his eyes. "Fangtor… it's that damned cup again."
"I noticed," they said with equally narrowed eyes. "What's so special about that thing anyway? That it has cost so many lives already."
"Your brother is safe," Sirius responded. Gripnok looked up at him in shock. "We rescued him from Malfoy manor a few days ago. He's recovering for a bit, but he has plans to return to the goblin city." both goblins grinned.
"Good! I get to say 'I told you so!' after all!" Gripnok cried with glee. Fangtor rolled their eyes.
"Of course, that's what you're excited about," they complained. Then they pulled a silver watch out of their pockets and cursed in Gobbledegook. "We have to hurry! We missed the first meet-up!" Gripnok hissed out a string of words in Gobbledegook himself before they both ran off.
"Wait!" Sirius cried, following them a few paces. "How do we get out of here?!"
"Aren't you the famous Azkaban Escapee?" Gripnok called back while Fangtor shot back their own sly sneer. "Gringotts will be no trouble at all!" Then the pair slipped away into the shadows. Susan scoffed and gave Sirius a disgusted look of her own.
"Now what?" she asked. Sirius lifted up his hands and let them fall back down again with a shrug.
"So even though I'm stuck in this goddamn bank, you STILL won't let me get on with my BLOODY APPOINTMENT?!" Dudley cried in frustration. He was still ringed by a crowd of exhausted-looking goblins.
"Well who was the appointment with?!" the accountant demanded.
"I don't know!" Dudley cried in exasperation. "I called to set an appointment about hedge fund management. Your bank said you'd refer me to the proper department on the date of my appointment! This date!"
"But what is a hedge fund?!" the first goblin cried in desperation. Dudley choked on his own air.
"You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!" he screeched.
"Sirius!" Susan cried as she followed the man down yet another tunnel. "Do you have any idea where you're going?!"
"Up!" Sirius insisted, pointing towards the speck of light that was shining from high above them. It was the faint, distant glimmer of the bank's reception hall. Suddenly they stepped out into a massive room and Sirius immediately pushed Susan back with a choked gasp. Just inside the room was the massive hulking form of a full-grown dragon. Its skin was leathery and pale, covered in scars and burns. It was breathing shallowly. Then it shook itself and lifted its leathery tattered wings. But heavy chains were curled around in limbs and neck, keeping the beast from becoming airborne. "There's no way around it," Sirius whispered. Susan looked around then she winced.
"Well… there is one way." she finally reasoned before taking a step back. "Sorry Sirius." the man whipped around just in time to see Susan's goshawk whipped out to the open gorge of the bank and take to the sky, cup in talons, making a b-line for the glittering hall above.
"Susan!" Sirius cried in indignation. "Get your feathery arse back here!"
That was a mistake.
The dragon let out a roar and tried to crane its neck around to see him, despite its milky eyes denoting its likely blindness, and letting out a gout of super hot flames. Sirius ducked around the tunnel with a yelp. He stood there, panting in fright.
Then suddenly he had an idea.
An absolutely brilliant,
Utterly mad,
And definitely very stupid,
But yet somehow still brilliant idea.
"-And then the hedge fund manager, which is currently me, manages the investment. And when the time is right, they sell the assets, turn a profit, and return the proportional profits to the clients." Dudley finished explained, with a cool smoothness to a cluster of now very intrigued goblins.
"And you said muggles came up with this?" the head accountant asked, as he repeatedly tapped his assistant to keep notes.
"Yes." Dudley confirmed, "but I really think that the wizarding world could benefit from this idea. Our economy is way too small right now. There's all this money locked up in old real estate, and the ancient vaults. If even just a fraction of it was liquidated…"
"We should offer this service to our more affluent clients." the head of P.R. hissed to the accountant. Then they turned to Dudley who was now getting into a discussion of all the companies he wanted to invest in.
"Excuse me Mr. …?"
"Dursley." Dudley smoothly.
"Mr. Dursley." the accountant purred, "are you looking for more stable employment by chance?"
"Well I wouldn't-" whatever Dudley was about to say was cut off by two things. First, a white hawk came flying out of the passage to the vaults and dropped a golden cup into Dudley's hands with a squawk. Simultaneously, the door to the bank suddenly slammed inward.
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!" Bellatrix Lestrange screamed furiously. Then she spotted Dudley, holding the cup, surrounded by goblins who were still blinking in shock. "YOU!" she shrieked, "DROP THAT CUP!"
And then the floor shook. Everyone let out a yelp of surprise, including the hawk, which warbled uncertainly. Then the floor exploded upwards. A massive white dragon flew straight up through the floor and straight through the glass down ceiling to the sky above. A man jumped off its back at the last moment and rolled across what remained of the bank floor. He rolled right up to Bellatrix's feet. He laughed the whole way until he saw her gobsmacked, horrified face. Then he grinned.
"Hello, cousin." then he slid his foot back and kicked out the heel of her boot. The woman gave a shriek of alarm and tumbled backwards, arms flailing uselessly. Dudley ran over and helped pull Sirius up as Susan transformed and ran with them. They cleared the steps of the bank and ran for the leaky cauldron, with a small crowd of onlookers watching in awe. But Bellatrix had recovered and limped up to Gringotts's entrance.
"Crucio!" Bellatrix cried, striking Susan in the back. The girl screamed bloody murder and withered around on the floor in agony. Then Bellatrix fired another spell. An angry slash whipped across Susan's face from the top right to the bottom left, coating the left side of her face in blood. Though thankfully it missed both eyes and seemed to only superficially damage her nose. Sirius fired a spell at Bellatrix, as Dudley ran to help Susan back onto her feet.
"On this day you die Sirius Black!" Bellatrix hissed furiously. She fired a stunner, then used that same whipping spell again. Sirius tried to dodge, but in dodging the stunner, he took the whipping charm across the neck. Dudley let out a cry of alarm as the older wizard grabbed his neck to stem the blood. Sirius couldn't die! He wouldn't let this mad woman take his uncle from him! Then he looked to Bellatrix and tried to think of the strongest spell he could use to get rid of her once and for all. And suddenly the bank entrance exploded. Well… imploded was more accurate. The two pillars on either side collapsed in on themselves while the doorway crumbled right down the centre. Bellatrix was pushed back into the destroyed bank by the force of their explosion. When the dust cleared the entire entrance was gone, replaced by a truly impressive pile of rubble.
And suddenly it clicked.
"It's me," Dudley muttered. "I've been causing the explosions." suddenly a bloody hand landed on his shoulder.
"Let's get out of here." Sirius slurred. Susan looked up groggily.
"Agreed." she moaned. Then Sirius sucked them into an apparition. They landed hard, which didn't help their conditions.
"Fuck!" Ron cried in alarm. "Hermione! Bring the dittany! Two vials!"
"Bloody hell what happened to you?!" Harry cried as he rushed and helped Sirius stem the bleeding in his neck. It wasn't a deep cut, but still worrisome.
"Bellatrix." Sirius chocked out. "We set off the alarm… she must have been alerted that it was her vault…."
"She saw Dudley with the cup," Susan admitted, even as she hissed while Ron slowly dripped dittany over her face, seeling up the slash. A very faint pink scar now ran across her forehead, over her cheekbone, and marked the nick that had gone into her nose. She sat up to look at Sirius with worried eyes.
"But don't worry," Dudley quickly assured a paling Hermione, Harry and Ron, "she won't be bothering anyone about it for a while yet." Hermione was slowly pouring the other vial of dittany into his wound with sympathetic winces. When she was done Sirius was left with a much angrier and more raised pink scar across half his neck.
"Well…" Sirius finally piped up, "at least I won't be joining Sir Nicholas and bemoaning my lack of admission to the headless hunt for all eternity!" Harry snorted and shook his head. He looked over and watched Susan feel the scars on her face with a grimace of distaste.
"Don't worry. You get used to having a horribly disfiguring mark on your forehead." Harry assured her with a smirk. Susan gave him an indignant squawk and slapped him on the arm. Hard. the young man winced and rubbed his arm even as he struggled to keep a straight face.
"What did you mean before Dudley?" Hermione demanded. "About Bellatrix not bothering anyone? Is she…"
"No, she's probably still alive." Dudley clarified. "But she is stuck in Gringotts for the next few hours at least. Maybe longer."
"What happened?" Ron demanded, "my plan should have been foolproof!"
"Are you calling us fools?!" Sirius cried with a sniff.
"No!" Ron cried, "I'm just-"
"Goblin politics." Susan summarized. "Apparently there's a bit of a debate amongst the goblins over how they should have handled You-Know-Who's latest restrictions. Griphook's brother and his spouse are fighters of the resistance. They were undercover, trying to infiltrate the bank to undermine it. They blew our cover while trying to get rid of the goblin we roped into helping us." Ron groaned and smacked himself in the forehead.
"I should have thought about that…"
"Forget about all that!" Dudley insisted as he pulled the cup from his pocket. "Time to get rid of this thing."
"Would you like to do the honours?" Harry offered Susan, handing her the sword. "It's Hufflepuff's cup after all."
"Oh yes definitely!" Susan cried with a grin. She grabbed the sword and let out an angry war cry before slashing the cup straight through the middle. The explosion threw the six of them back a foot or so. The two halves of the cup rested on the ground, smoking slightly. Susan laughed. Dudley looked around then huffed.
"Well, that was anticlimactic. Not like the locket eh Harry… Harry?" Dudley called.
"HARRY!" Susan shrieked, diving across the grass to grasp his head. He was seizing on the ground choking on his own tongue. "Harry… Harry listen to me… look at me! Harry!" Susan sobbed as she pulled him onto his side as he continued to shake violently. Then he stopped shaking. His eyes looked straight ahead, but he didn't appear to be seeing anything. And his chest heaved as though he was sucking in air, but he wasn't breathing. "Harry! Please say something!" Susan begged. "Please! Please just breathe!" she held his face and sobbed as his lips began to turn a pale bluish colour. Then suddenly he sucked in a large gasp of air. Susan wailed and pulled his face to her chest. "Oh thank god!" Harry grabbed her shoulder and pushed her weakly away. She looked down at him, panting with wild eyes.
"He knows." he wheezed out. The group, who had all been watching harry in varying stages of grief and horror all froze.
"He knows about the Horcruxes."
A/N: Well... if there was a part three this would be where it starts.
Luckily for you, I am not newline cinemas, needlessly extending a 150-page novella into a triple movie money pit! :D
JohnDouglas4274: Excellent song suggestion! Very fitting!
ILoveGeorgeEads: They got out alive and mostly intact.
chao-hellsing: Use vitamin E topcoat. Very good for cracked nails. And climbers chalk!
Aslan's Princess: I had to free the dragon. I do not tolerate animal abuse.
I did decide to leave them with a few scars, however. It always seems a bit strange that they never ended up with any, or none were ever mentioned. It seems more plausible.
Cow zoomies were something I discovered during a sleepless night in college during the grips of an insomnia attack. They made me appreciate cows even more. They're just very large puppies that eat grass and give us milk.
Well...
See you next week
Don't forget to keep on reading!
-TTC