Thank you, lovely people who reviewed. Warm fuzzy feelings are extremely good.
Chapter 2 – Plotters are as Plotters… er… Plot
Night lay over Isengard. Well, not lay – more hovered at an unreachable distance, but still there and twinkling occasionally. Like wind chimes.
And in one of the chambers in Isengard, a very similar conversation was taking place to the one happening in a galaxy far, far away…
"The power of Isengard is at your command, Sauron Lord of the Earth," Saruman was chanting dramatically, hand held over the palantir.
In Mordor, Sauron yawned. Saruman thought he was a poet, and could get very over-dramatic when the mood took him…
"Who has the power to stand against Isengard and Mordor?" Saruman continued, "No-one! No-one at all! BWAHAHAHAHA-"
Making a mental note to work with Saruman on his cackling, Sauron said, "Actually, SOMEONE has the power to stand against us…"
There was a silence. "What was that, Lord Sauron? The reception must have been bad, I could have sworn you said-"
"I did."
"Oh." Silence. "Look, I know you're still a bit worried about the hobbit still having the Ring, but we're working on it-"
"That is not the main problem. Our main problem happens to be a young man who is an orphan and grew up with his uncle until he became muddled in the affairs of wizards and got swept up into a great adventure, and learnt more about the world at large in the process…"
It is very difficult to be tactful to a Dark Lord attempting to take over the world, but Saruman tried his hardest. "Um… my Lord, I think you've got confused… that's the hobbit. Frodo. The one we're dealing with?"
"No, it's NOT," said Sauron grumpily, "What, you think I can't tell the difference between tragic orphans caught up in adventure?"
"No," said Saruman hurriedly, "No, I think you're very, er, perceptive. Being an all-seeing Eye and everything."
"Good," boomed Sauron, "For the time has come. We must send forces to Hogwarts."
Outside, a warg howled.
"To – uh – where, my Lord?"
"Hogwarts," snapped Sauron irritably, "That magic school."
"Ah yes… Gandalf speaks of it a fair bit. He's friends with the Headmaster." Saruman hesitated. "Far be it from me to question your evil schemes, my Lord, but why exactly do you want us to attack Hogwarts?"
Sauron explained. Saruman listened.
Saruman understood.
Meanwhile, in a Galaxy far far away, the Rebels were tirelessly striving for peace, justice, and freedom from the tyrannical Empire…
Well, they had been, but now they were on break.
"Now, Luke, you have to jump up there – JUMP, you stupid boy!"
"Which button's jump?"
"X!"
Luke hastily pressed the X button, but groaned as his character plummeted into a hole filled with spikes. "Way to go, kid," said Han, "I'd just got a load of rings, too…"
Luke threw down his console. "I don't like being Tails…"
"Well, it's my Playstation, so I get to be Sonic."
"Whose clever idea was it to cover the entire of Green Hill Zone in spikes?" commented Leia from the sofa, "I mean, were they there before Robotnik took over the entire little land of Sonic the Hedgehog, or installed afterwards? If they were already there, who in their right mind would dig pits in a happy haven purely to fill them with sharp metal spikes for creatures to fall into? If they were installed afterwards, what was the point? Isn't it just an unnecessary expense for Robotnik, considering he already has the entire world under his control? Couldn't he spend the money on constructing better craft, which don't blow up after just a few hits from a hedgehog?"
Luke and Han stared at her. A few seconds later, Han raised an eyebrow.
"Rematch?" asked Luke eventually.
"Definitely," said Han quickly.
However, the opening music had scarcely begun again when the screen switched from the garish colours of the old game to the rather nervous-looking face of an Imperial Officer.
"What the-" said Han.
"Leia, I TOLD you not to install communication software on the TV!" said Luke exasperatedly.
"It means important messages can get to you wherever you are," said Leia, immediately sitting up.
"Also means we lose our highest-ever score on Pinball just because the Supreme Ruler of Boresville wants to tell you that something Boring happened in the Boring District," muttered Han.
Leia shoved his head. "Can we help you?" she asked the man on the screen.
"Uhh…" Whatever the man had been thinking he would see when he opened the com screen, he seemed that he wasn't expecting two men – leaders of the Rebels, no less - sitting in front of the screen holding Playstation consoles, Senator Organa sitting on the sofa behind them and shoving Han Solo's head, and a massive tub of popcorn between the three of them. But he composed himself. "I have a message from Darth Vader-"
"Vader?" said Han in surprise, "Luke, what have you done now?"
"Nothing!" said Luke defensively, "Recently…"
"No, it's not like that," said the officer quickly, "He – well, he asks for your assistance."
It took a moment for that comment to fully register. Once it had, Han, Luke and Leia didn't stop laughing for about three minutes.
On his shuttle to Middle-earth, Darth Vader was just describing his perspective on the day's events in his journal when the screen suddenly crackled into life, showing a slightly nervous looking officer. "Lord Vader?"
Darth Vader hurriedly shoved his journal under his chair. "Do not interrupt me suddenly! You could disturb me while – er – meditating."
"Apologies, my Lord," said the officer, hand instinctively flying to his throat, "But we have made contact with Luke Skywalker."
"Oh," said Darth Vader, "Bring him up on the screen."
"Yes, my Lord." As Darth Vader checked the unicorn cover of his journal was well hidden under his chair, the screen switched to show Luke, Han and Leia, who were only just getting over their giggling fit and were still laughing occasionally, and sighing happily at the irony of the situation.
"Oh," said Luke, jumping when he saw the screen and sitting upright, "Hi, Dad."
"Son," said Darth Vader. Behind the mask, he frowned. "You're looking thin."
"Dad-"
"What do they feed you at this Rebel Alliance?"
"I'm eating plenty, Dad. What do you want?"
"You're looking tired too. Are you getting to bed at a reasonable hour, or is this bounty hunter keeping you up all hours of the night playing Grand Theft Auto?"
"Hello, it's Sonic the Hedgehog," said Han Solo despairingly.
"I'm FINE, Dad. What's so important that you're swallowing your pride and asking US for help?"
"Who said anything about swallowing my pride?" said Darth Vader defensively, "But it is true – the Emperor and I do need your help."
"What do you want us to do? Stop fighting the Empire and let evil triumph for once?"
"Would be nice," admitted Darth Vader, "But that's not it. Son – we have a NERD situation."
All signs of laughter disappeared from the trio's faces. "Serious?" said Han Solo.
Darth Vader gave him as scathing a look as he could manage with his helmet. "Master Solo, do I look like the type who makes jokes?"
Han Solo looked at his threatening helmet, his all-black ensemble and the billowy black cape, and the threatening looking lightsaber on his belt. "Well," he said, "You might be good at 'Knock Knock' jokes if you tried…"
"What's happening, Vader?" asked Leia, as always getting back to the subject.
"The NERD review is coming up. This has never been a major issue for us, because for the last twenty years or so we have been the undisputed master of the fandoms…"
Luke and Han cheered and high-fived. "Weeee are the chaaampions-"
"BUT…" interrupted Darth Vader emphatically.
"Aww," said Luke, "I should have seen that coming."
Darth Vader glared at him. "Ignore him, he's an idiot," said Leia.
"But…" began Darth Vader again, "It seems that several other fandoms are popping up to rival us… the most serious being 'The Lord of the Rings'."
"Lord of the Rings?" said Han, "Isn't that the one with the midget?"
"Actually, it's a hobbit," said Leia.
"A whatit?"
"Hobbit."
"Aren't they from one of the moons of Utapau?"
"No, they're from the Land of the Shire."
"Huh," said Han Solo, "Weird."
"What do you want us to do, Dad?" asked Luke.
"I am currently on my way to Middle-earth now. I plan to… make some changes. If you three could get in contact with Obi-Wan, Padme, even the young me, ask them to go to the Watching Dimensions and get more people to like Star Wars. You three can go to Middle-earth as well, or maybe to a different fandom if the Emperor detects a different threat."
"Got it," said Luke, "Don't worry, Dad. We'll teach that hoddit not to go up against the Jedi!"
"Hobbit."
"Same thing."
Darth Vader nodded slowly, and vanished from the screen. Luke, Leia and Han sat back, still slightly stunned from the revelation.
"Wow," said Han.
"I know," said Leia.
"I can't believe a film without a dashing rogue like myself could be that popular…"
"Actually," said Leia, "There is a man who the heroes meet in a bar just as they set out on their journey to deliver an important object sought by the bad guys to a safe haven…"
Han Solo's eyes widened. "Was he a charming and dashing rogue?"
"He seemed like it at first, but he was actually a king."
Han Solo gasped. "Wow…"
"I think we've found where we could make our mark in 'Lord of the Rings'," whispered Luke to Leia.
"Oh dear," said Leia, shaking her head, "Those poor hobbits won't know what hit them…" She grinned. "Let's do it."
BlueDove – I prefer LOTR most of all as well. But I like writing Star Wars. It's easier to make fun of. I've heard of that 'Hero with a thousand faces' thing – I'm one of those weird people who likes spotting similarities between films…
Precioussss – Thanks! I tried writing serious, but it just didn't work… back to crazee for me.
Bulma Greenleaf - leaps out of chair in shock ARGH! What are YOU doing here?
xPussyWillowKittenx – Thanks! It wouldn't be a proper war between fandoms without Harry turning up, after all… he's in it more later.
writeR – YAY LOTR AND STAR WARS! But Harry Potter is extremely good as well.
Ebon Oleander Wenham – Me too. LOTR ought to put up a worthy fight.
Reasonably Crazy – Damn, the link didn't work properly for you either! Well, people who want to read this story and talk to fellow crazies, the link to my messageboard is listed as my website now, so just follow that link.
Lady ot Rings – Of course I knew. I KNOW ALL.
banner – It's the Force. Everything unexplained in the Star Wars universe is because of the Force.
LadyDeb1970 – I know. I'm a Faramir fan myself. But I was going with the majority of lusters. Don't worry, Boromir will be in this story.