Thank you nice reviewers. By the way, if I don't update regularly, just keep nagging me to, and I will. Threatening me usually pays off.

And as I said before – suggestions are gratefully received.

Chapter 4

The Emperor was sitting on his chair in the Death Star, facing the depths of space. The stars twinkled, the planets shone, and the Star Destroyers buzzed around the space station like flies around a dropped toffee apple.

As much effort as the CGI team would have put into creating this magnificent vista, the Emperor didn't see it. He was looking through it, to the Watching Dimensions.

He saw two girls sitting on in front of a television watching a film. He recognized it as 'A New Hope', and smiled in satisfaction. Even without young Anakin and Obi-Wan to ogle, they were still attracting a female audience…

"Hey," said one of the girls when Obi-Wan appeared on screen, "It's Dumbledore! Come to rescue Harry from Mr and Mrs Dursley!"

"To go learn some magical arts and find himself embroiled in an adventure with an evil Lord of the dark side of the magic, who he is somehow involved with!" giggled the other girl.

"Man, I can't wait until the next book comes out…" sighed the first one.

"Yeah…"

The Emperor stared. Such feelings of horror, malice and shock were behind his gaze that the girls started, feeling the glare even though they were a dimension away. They blamed it on their air conditioning.

But it had nothing to do with cooling units. In the Death Star, the Emperor sat in silence, contemplating this turn of events. Girls referencing books during films? Looking forward to a book's release more than the last in a trilogy? (A LANDMARK trilogy) Preferring some young upstart of a wizard to the hero of the Galaxy? Luke could certainly be annoying, but from what he had ascertained, young Mr Potter wasn't that much better.

Something had to be done. Something would be done.

He nodded to himself. From that moment on, Hogwarts was in deep trouble.

Meanwhile, literally a world away, the sun shone brightly off the windows of Hogwarts. The sky was a clear blue, with only one or two wispy clouds floating in it uncertainly as if unsure they were supposed to be there. Birds who had recently fled Middle-earth arrived at the Forbidden Forest, alighted on the trees, and began to sing lustily, before being snapped up by wolves a few moments later. There was a reason the Forbidden Forest was silent.

Inside the castle, students went about their business happily. It was early summer, and they were making the most of it, knowing that some cataclysmic and tragic event was sure to happen soon – on the last day of the exams, most likely. It seemed odd that something always happened at that time of year, and always seemed to involve Harry in some way, but it certainly explained why they had been forced to sign that contract at the start of the year that they wouldn't sue the school if they got maimed/ transfigured/ killed while at school.

Even Harry, Ron and Hermione were complacent. Nothing too untoward had happened to them this year. Yes, a dragon had attacked them in October, and yes, some of the students were vanishing mysteriously when they went into the Forbidden Forest, but nothing too bad.

Which is why when they entered the Defence Against the Dark Arts Classroom, they weren't as alarmed as they could have been when they saw a man they didn't know behind the desk, writing 'PROFESSOR RUMANSA' on the blackboard.

"Where's Professor Disposabilis?" asked Hermione as they all took their seats.

The man turned around. He was wearing white robes, had long white hair and a beard, but oddly wore thick black glasses with a fake nose and black moustache attached. "He is – er – on holiday. Yes, that will do. He won't be returning to teach you. I am the substitute, and my name is Professor Rumansa. And I will be teaching you for the time being."

"That was a quick appointment," said Harry, "Dumbledore said they had real trouble finding applicants now."

Professor Rumansa's eyes darted about nervously underneath the black glasses. "Er, well, er, yes, er, he thought, er, I was the best person for the job. Yes. That's right. And do not question my authority!" he added, trying to sound indignant.

Ron and Harry looked at each other and shrugged.

"Anyway, yes, let's see…." Professor Rumansa moved around paper on his desk, trying to look as though he knew what he was doing, though he exuded an atmosphere of total bafflement. "So, I expect you are all already quite proficient in – what subject is this again?"

"Defence against the Dark Arts," prompted Hermione.

"Ah yes. That. Well, you won't really need much actual teaching, will you?"

"Sir?" said Ron in shock.

"Well, we can only take you so far, so, er, why don't you just practice what you know?" The class stared back at him. "Actual experience teaches you more than you could learn in a thousand textbooks," he added, and looked surprised that something he'd said actually made some semblance of sense.

"How are we supposed to practice?" asked Hermione, frowning.

"What's that?"

"There aren't exactly any dark lords around for us to battle with," pointed out Hermione.

"Not for another few weeks, anyway," added Ron, glancing at Harry, who sighed as he remembered the upcoming battle-between-good-and-evil.

Professor Rumansa dithered. "Are there none at all?"

"Nope."

"Dammit. I mean, er, good," he said quickly, seeing the pupils' faces, "Hogwarts being destroyed would be very, er, bad. So, um…" He seemed to abandon that idea, and looked around the room for inspiration. "So…. Erm…. What have you learnt so far this year?"

Professor Rumansa struggled through the hour, asking for a sum-up on everything they'd learnt so far, all of the students' names and past histories, and, surprisingly, whether any of them liked 'The Lord of the Rings'. Finally, the bell went, and Professor Rumansa was out of the room before you could say, "Don't forget to do your homework."

"Don't forget to do your-" he babbled quickly as he ducked out the door and slammed it behind him. The class sat in shock, hearing his footsteps shuffling hurriedly down the corridor. A moment later, a door slammed in the distance.

There was a silence as the students searched for the appropriate comment for this situation.

"That was peculiar," Ron settled on finally.

"I agree," said Hermione, "He didn't seem to be a werewolf, or possessed by You-Know-Who, or particularly evil in any way… what sort of plot relevance is he supposed to be?"

"I don't know," shrugged Ron, "Maybe Harry will make friends with him, like Lupin…"

Harry stared at them both. "Are you two blind? Can't you see what's happening?" Ron and Hermione shook their heads. Harry shook his head in amazement. "Professor Disposabilis' mysterious disappearance? Professor Rumansa just appearing out of nowhere, and keeping referring to 'The Lord of the Rings'? The NERD review coming up?"

"I'm sure it'll be blindingly obvious once it's pointed out," said Ron eagerly.

"What are you saying, Harry?" said Hermione.

Harry took a deep breath. "Professor Disposabilis must be in league with Voldemort, and this man is his long-lost brother come to protect us!"

Outside, a bird chirped tentatively in the distance, and was quickly silenced.

Ebon Oleander Wenham – Gee, I don't know who'll win. It'll be exciting to find out, won't it?

writeR – I am actually on holiday on the moment… I do, in fact, have no excuse. Bad me.

BlueDove – Thanks! Those hobbit kids do seem to press all the maternal instinct buttons.

Bulma Greenleaf – Geez, still hanging around. What do I have to do to get rid of you? And I hope you had a nice time in Austria…

SlashyKitty – Ummmm…. Taize? Hopefully an explanation is forthcoming. I'm extremely dangerous when curious.

Titansgirl27 – I really don't know who'll win. And you'd really think I should, being the author and everything. Ah well.