I received a few sad comments that the last chapter was too short – hopefully this one will be long enough. And also, the debate is on – who is better looking, Aragorn or Han Solo?
Chapter 7
Meanwhile, in Middle-earth, Sam, Merry and Pippin were on their way to a similar council in Rivendell. They had gone to Bag End, but found it deserted, with a note saying, 'Hello fellow hobbits, I have gone off for an adventure, do not worry about me or search for me. Signed, Frodo Baggins. PS Star Wars is underrated.'
None of the hobbits noticed anything amiss.
"Shall we go into the Prancing Pony?" suggested Merry on their way through Bree, "Aragorn might be there."
"He's probably already left," said Sam.
"Shall we go anyway?"
"Oh yes."
However, much to their surprise, when they had stepped over the collapsed bodies outside the door and gone into the pub, they saw a dark cloaked figure sitting in the corner, wearing a sticky label on his front saying, 'HI! I am ARAGORN. Really.'
"Aragorn!" they said happily, running up to him. He didn't seem to hear them. They suddenly saw a woman with brown hair sitting next to him, who had just elbowed him sharply in the ribs.
"Look, ARAGORN," she hissed, "Some of your FRIENDS are here."
The cloaked figure looked up in surprise, and quickly opened a book called 'Who's Who in Middle-earth'. "Ah!" he said, "Er – hello, Samwise Gamgee, Meriadoc Brandybuck aka Merry and Peregrin Took aka Pippin. How are you this fine day?"
Even the hobbits noticed something here. "You are Aragorn, right?" said Pippin slowly.
The man looked shocked. "Me? Not Aragorn? Of course I'm Aragorn! I'm as Aragorn as Aragorn can be. Yup. I'm Aragorn."
"Oh, OK," said Merry and Pippin happily, leaping into seats next to him.
"Who's that?" asked Sam, pointing at the woman.
"Errrr-"
"I'm Arwen," said the woman hurriedly, "Of course."
"Of course," said Aragorn quickly.
"Really? Your hair looks a lot shorter – actually, you both look kinda different-"
"We're Aragorn and Arlen," said Aragorn firmly.
"Arwen," coughed Arwen.
"ARWEN," said Aragorn, "Whoops! You know me, forgetting names…"
"You remember enough of your own," pointed out Pippin.
Aragorn looked at Pippin as though he wanted to kill him. Pippin was surprised – normally Aragorn just looked at him as though he wanted to cause him grievous harm.
"And why's Arwen here?" asked Merry, "Shouldn't she be at Rivendell?"
Aragorn and Arwen both looked flustered. "Isn't Arwen – I mean, aren't I - a kick-ass warrior princess, always in the thick of things?" asked Arwen nervously.
"Ummmmmm," said Sam, "I wouldn't call you that personally."
"You are in the film," said Merry, "But normally you're just the stay-at-home type person, aren't you?"
"Errr," said Arwen, "Yes, yes I am."
Before the hobbits could try to deduce anything which could be incriminating, Aragorn said quickly, "So where are you going?"
"Oh – that council in Rivendell. Discussing how best to deal with the NERD review, and the competition we're facing," said Pippin.
"Oh!" said Aragorn, and exchanged a knowing look and a wink with Arwen, "Well, I doubt you need to worry about that."
"Really?" said Merry in surprise.
"Oh no! I'm sure you're so much better than, say, Star Wars, that, er, you needn't do anything to for the inspectors, right? Just, er, go about your normal lives… in fact, why don't you go on holiday for a while? I'm sure they can manage without you."
The hobbits all looked at each other. "Go… on holiday?" said Sam slowly.
"Yes!" chipped in Arwen eagerly, "Go into a different story universe. Have a look around, see what's happening. They'll manage here, you're so much better than Star Wars that they can manage without you."
"It would be nice to go on holiday," admitted Merry, "And they don't really need us, do they?"
"Legolas did call us a waste of space that time," said Pippin thoughtfully, a rare tone of voice for him, "Why not?"
"EXCELLENT!" cried Aragorn enthusiastically, "I've already got you passes out of the universe." He handed them the small cards that would authorize them leaving the canon. "Have fun!" he said cheerily, ushering them out of the door, and added just as he closed it behind them, "And don't come back for a LONG time!"
The hobbits, now outside the inn, stared at the closed door, slightly confused by what was going on. But they decided that, if Aragorn said it was all right, then surely they could go on holiday…
Meanwhile, inside the inn, 'Aragorn' went back over to 'Arwen', an exhausted smile on his face. "Convincing enough?" he asked.
"Hardly," replied 'Arwen', "If even hobbits get suspicious, you know you're in trouble. I don't know how you're hoping to survive at this Council."
"Well, you're hardly helping! I told you the bagel-hairstyle wasn't very Middle-earth."
"You said fancy."
"I didn't say 'baked goods'."
'Arwen' slouched back in her seat. "We need help. And I hope Luke's getting on all right…"
-
Legolas and his band of elves were hurrying from Mirkwood to the Council in Rivendell. This was even more difficult nowadays than it had been during the War of the Ring, because of an influx of other evil creatures – Mary-Sues.
"O Prince Legolas," cried the latest one, bursting from the nearby trees with crystalline tears pouring down her cheeks, "I am Amberanyastarylithiel, the second daughter of Elrond. My father wishes for me to marry the Steward of Gondor in order to cement our alliance with the south. But my heart belongs to Aragorn, and he returns it, but he has been bewitched by Ar-"
There was a thud. Amberanyastarylithiel crumpled to the ground, and Legolas continued walking as though he had not been interrupted, returning his special elven Mary-Sue Mallet to its holder.
"There are more of these rwalaer than normal," muttered one of the other elves to him, "Something is not right in the canon – some plot holes must have been created, it's the only way to explain the current abundance of them."
"I know," said Legolas heavily, "We can only hope Lord Elrond has some advice for us…"
The elves did not know, but a very interesting contest was about to take place – Elven senses versus Jedi stealth. The elves, who could not only hear a pin drop at 500 paces but also run to catch in time, against a Jedi, who had learnt from the man who managed to sneak throughout the Death Star without being noticed, leading to the second one being installed with CCTV.
I will not say who won, because I would not like to put an end to such a good debate. But about a minute later, Luke Skywalker dropped down onto the path in front of the elves. Whether the elves knew there was someone nearby or not, I leave up to you.
Before the elves could grab their bows or daggers, Luke quickly waved his hand through the air. "You do not want to hurt me," he said calmly.
Some of the elves at the back, too minor characters to be given personalities, dropped their weapons and muttered that they didn't want to hurt him. The others looked slightly confused and lowered their bows slightly.
"You want-" Another hand wave. "-to go back to Mirkwood."
"I think we ought to go back to Mirkwood," said one of the elves to Legolas.
Legolas looked round at him in surprise. "You do?"
"Yes," said Luke, accompanied with another hand wave.
"YES," chanted all the elves, eyes oddly glazed.
Legolas looked from his fellow elves to the stranger on the path in front of him, who had now folded his arms and was looking supremely confident. "But…" he said, "This council's really important…"
"Oh, did I not specify?" said Luke, a smile growing on his face, "You want to go back to Mirkwood, but you also want-" Hand wave. "- to leave Master Legolas here tied up behind that tree."
Legolas stared, and tried to laugh, as if it was all a joke – but before he could, he was seized by his fellow elves, all muttering that yes, they wanted to leave Legolas tied up. "Hey, what are you doing?" he said in shock as they dragged him over towards the tree.
Luke surveyed this with the faintest hint of a smile. "I just want you to know," he said, as the elves pulled a surprising quantity of rope out of their bags and tied Legolas up so thoroughly that he couldn't move an inch, "That this isn't personal - it's just business." He paused and reconsidered. "Actually, it is a bit personal. You stole most of my blond-hair-blue-eyed-lusting fangirls. And they're quite rare, you know… I hardly have any now…"
The elves finished tying Legolas up. "Go back to your homes," he told them, "And if anyone asks, Legolas eloped with Amberanyastarylithiel. Oh, sorry, didn't you like her?" said Luke to Legolas, as Legolas made a furious noise behind his gag, "Don't worry, you'll get plenty more to choose from… I'm sure they'll find you soon enough…"
Legolas stared at him in horror as he set off down the path towards where his speeder was parked. As Luke settled himself into his seat, he heard the unmistakeable sound of the squeeing of Mary-Sues, and what he imagined a horrified elf would sound like when gagged…
Really, Luke thought as his speeder shot into the sky, you'd think something this fun would be forbidden for Jedi…
-
Pointy Ears are My Thing – It's always fun when hobbits are in sacks. I don't know what it is. It's the same sort of thing as rabbits doing the Macarena, I think. That's always fun too. And Yoda Pop is an invention of Sarah aka amavi, a friend of mine – made from 100 all-natural ingredients from the Dagobah Swamp. Which, when you think about it, isn't the best advertising headline…
Freakanature – Don't worry, I can't be too cruel to characters. Mainly because when I try to write cruel, it comes out like Cruella from 101 Dalmatians – ie, over-the-top and generally disliked.
Thomasio - tries muffins Hmmm. They're very good – you're on the right track. One more test… feeds them to Wob-Wobs They like them too. And they're very picky about their virtual baked goods. My compliments. claps
writeR – Aaaah, I'm being hassled from beyond the grave!
Wob-Wobs: Er, mistress, she isn't dead yet.
Oh…. Errr… well, I'm still being hassled, anyway.
SlashyKitty – Oooooh. That IS a good idea. Must fit that in somewhere. Luke could join in too – he's an Obi-Wan Metaphor Orphan…
Kamineko – Well, they didn't blast Legolas. Personally, I think this fate might be far worse… cannot suppress a evil cackle Leia and Arwen are going to meet, don't worry, and believe me, they don't bond… and thanks for reminding me, I haven't actually got Galadriel in here yet. She'll turn up at some point, though. Heehee, I have evil plans…
Mousewolf – Oh yes, there are. And they're being addressed. evil grin
Satanira – It's very easy to eavesdrop efficiently. Just mentally record everything that is said, and have a mobile phone/ computer ready to send the information to the correct people… Next Week – How to eavesdrop!
xPussyWillowKittenx – Everyone should rant about cricket. I mean, it's possibly one of the most boring sports ever invented – right up there with golf and snooker – but just because England's not losing heinously for once, it's suddenly the most fabulous thing since… since… sliced golf. And I have no idea what Yoda Pop tastes like – I've never dared to try it. Only Yoda and Anakin like it.
Eowyn Skywalker – Thank you! waves you off And I still have no idea who'll win. Quite a few more fandoms will be entering the fray, though…
Machiavelli Jr – Well, I know next to nothing about Firefly… but I might put in some cameos by Star Trek, and probably Doctor Who since I have a leetle soft spot for the next Doctor…
Vampirehelsing – Ummmm… looks shifty… no… flees
Tsuki Yume/ Bluedove – Heehee, 'There's Something About Ani.' Now THAT'S what the title of Episode 2 should have been – I mean, why 'Attack of the Clones'? When I saw that, I assumed that, at some point, there would be some sort of attack by clones. What do we get? Anakin and Padme rolling around in grass. Geez. Talk about false advertising.
Ebon Oleander Wenham – Well, if you went on my website, you COULD see Snape and Boromir and Faramir and all other various men of your depraved lustings.