Quite a mixed chapter this time. Also, so far Aragorn seems to be the favourite out of him and Han Solo – any comments on this?

Chapter 8

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, strange things were afoot.

This, of course, was perfectly normal, so not many people took much notice. They saw that the house elves were suddenly talking in musical voices and trying to learn archery, that the Mirror of Erised seemed to have turned into a birdbath, and that Dumbledore hadn't been seen anywhere for a few days now, but they just put it down to 'the antics of that Potter boy' and forgot about it.

Defence against the Dark Arts was getting more and more peculiar. Professor Rumansa didn't seem to know much about the subject, and was horrified by how many of them had 'staffs', and had looked baffled when Ron told him that they were called 'wands'.

"But there are only five," Professor Rumansa had said in amazement, "Only five wizards. How can there be so many of you here?"

Even Hermione didn't know the answer to that one.

One memorable lesson, Professor Rumansa came bounding in, apparently in a state of great excitement. "Guess what, boys and girls?" he said cheerily, "Today, we're going on a field trip!"

The students all glanced at each other in surprise. "That's right! Taking you right where the action is! Into the Forbidden Forest!" he said cheerily, "Come on!"

Baffled, the students got up and followed Professor Rumansa out of the classroom, down the stairs and out onto the grounds. He kept glancing back to check that Harry, Ron and Hermione were still following.

"Doesn't this all strike you as a little… odd?" asked Ron.

"It's all part of his plan to protect us," said Harry confidently, "He has to be a good guy – right?"

"I'm not sure," said Hermione anxiously, "I mean, it would be a bit too obvious if he was a bad guy – but then maybe that's what we're supposed to think – I really need to read 'To kill or be killed? – A Guide to DADA teachers at Hogwarts' again…"

Neville hung back to talk to them. "Do you know if Dumbledore's turned up yet?" he asked anxiously.

"Nope," said Ron, "Last I saw of him, he was talking to some other wizard with long grey hair and a beard…"

"Really?" said Hermione, "I saw him with a wizard with short white hair and a beard."

"Did he have a staff?"

"No… he didn't seem to have anything, except this weird laser sword thing… He could do the Summoning Charm without one, though…"

Harry shook his head. "Odder and odder… ah well, at least we know we can trust Professor Rumansa," he added cheerily, as Professor Rumansa lead them into the forest and pointedly avoided the path, calling brightly that 'off the path was where the real action was'.

They followed him deeper and deeper into the trees, until they had no idea in which direction the school lay. And then they walked a bit deeper, until the trees were so thick above their heads that they all had to light their wands. And then they walked a little bit further, until the students felt sure that if they were left here, they would die trying to find their way out.

Then Professor Rumansa turned round and said, "OK, class! I'm leaving you here. First ones back to school get extra credit. Bye!"

And before the students could argue, an eagle swept out of nowhere and carried him off.

There was a silence as the students waited for someone else to comment first on this most peculiar and unfortunate situation.

This silence lasted for quite some time. And it wasn't a particularly helpful silence, as all the noises in the surrounding forest – twigs being broken, paws padding over leaves, strange gruntings and tweetings in the distance – seemed twice as loud, and just reminded the students of how much of a pickle they were in.

-

"… so as you can see," finished Darth Vader, "you trying to take over Middle-earth is causing us a few problems, because people are preferring your tale of good triumphing over evil to ours."

Sauron didn't reply, but continued to peruse the leaflet which Darth Vader had just given him, entitled 'So you've got a NERD review coming up and another Evil Overlord is stealing your thunder'. "So what do you suggest?" he said eventually.

"Well," said Darth Vader thoughtfully, "I'm not sure… the Emperor is the brains of our Sith partnership, I'm just the pretty face… but obviously, we can't force you to stop trying to take over Middle-earth."

"You could try," said Sauron mildly, "But you would not do very well."

Darth Vader bristled. "Our Star Destroyers would crush Mordor into dust."

"My Nazgul would inspire terror into your men before you got within the atmosphere, and my Ring would corrupt your most steadfast of generals."

"Our Death Star- but never mind this, this isn't what I came to talk to you about," said Darth Vader, quickly getting back onto the subject, "I'm asking you – as one Evil Lord Going For World Domination to another – is there some sort of deal we could make, which would be beneficial to both parties?"

Sauron pondered. If you have never seen a great flaming eyeball looking thoughtful, then you are far saner than I, but you're missing out.

"I wonder, Darth Vader," he said eventually, "whether you have ever heard the saying 'If you cannot make yourself look better, make others look worse'?"

Darth Vader looked up. If it was possible, his mask looked intrigued. "What are you suggesting?"

-

Meanwhile, in a Galaxy far far away, a hobbit was helping himself to another drink out of the Imperial Shuttle Detention Area mini bar, and thinking to himself that, really, things could be a whole lot worse. He had been in the captivity of orcs before, and that had been far worse – at least these Imperial officers showered regularly, and didn't steal all his clothes. Well, not yet, anyway. But they didn't seem like the strip-search-then-not-give-clothes-back types.

He had been extremely surprised, having emerged from the sack, to discover that he wasn't alone. Also in his cell was a dark-haired elf, whom he vaguely recognized from the Council of Elrond, and knew that quite a host of girls had latched upon to lust after.

"What are you doing here?" he had asked in surprise.

Figwit had shaken his head. "I have absolutely no idea… I can only assume they didn't do their research very thoroughly…"

"Ah," Frodo had replied, "Any idea what they're planning to do with us?"

"Well, they're trying to ruin our chances in the NERD review… so we can only hope that they're going to detain us until it is past so that the canon falls to pieces without us."

"Hope?" Frodo had said incredulously, "If that's the best possible scenario, what's the worst?"

"I'm trying not to think about it," said Figwit delicately.

Frodo had shaken his head, thinking exasperatedly, 'Elves…' "Oh well," he had replied briskly, "Could be worse. Is there anything to eat?"

"Mini-bar's down there." Figwit pointed into the corner, where a mini-bar was briefly visible, before it was blocked by a hobbit launching himself at it.

Yes, Frodo thought fifteen minutes later, having devoured all of the Toblerone, macadamia nuts, crisps and bonbons, and currently settling into his third can of Coke, things could be a whole lot worse. After all, they could be on their way to certain imprisonment and possible pain and death at the hands of a rival fandom while their own fell apart in their absence, but not have a mini-bar… Always best to look on the bright side.

-

Meanwhile, at Hogwarts, a meeting was taking place in one of the dungeons.

"So what you're saying," said Han Solo slowly, "is that if I add a hair of someone to this potion, then I take on their appearance?"

Severus Snape nodded, an odd smile on his face.

"Han, that's perfect!" said Leia, smiling, "You'd look exactly like Aragorn…"

Han Solo frowned at her – she was looking a little too eager for him to turn into that Ranger. "I won't be stuck like that, will I?"

"No," replied Snape (Han didn't know whether he was being paranoid, but Leia's face seemed to fall) "It will only last for an hour… but remember, you must add a hair or similar from whichever person you want to turn into."

"Right," said Han, "We'll have to go track down Aragorn, then – what did we do with him again?"

"Not sure," said Leia, frowning thoughtfully, "I think Luke just chucked him through the nearest available plot hole… heaven knows where he ended up. Don't worry, I kept a lock of his hair anyway," she added, taking a lock of black hair out of her pocket.

Han stared at her. "WHY, exactly?"

"Well… thought it might be useful," she said hurriedly, reddening slightly.

Han made a mental note to continue interrogating her about this later. "Cheers, Snape – if there's anything we can do-"

"Actually," interrupted Snape smoothly, "There is something…"

Han and Leia looked at him, an unexplainable sense of impending doom rising in them. "Oh, nothing too bad," added Snape, "It's more for your benefit than mine… I assume that soon your fandom will be moving against Hogwarts as well?"

"Oh, no-" said Leia innocently, but Han nodded and said, "Yeah. In fact, I'm surprised stormtroopers aren't here now. You haven't seen a seven-foot black half-man half-machine Sith overlord wandering around, have you?"

"Can't say I have," replied Professor Snape, "You see, I have little interest in the NERD review – even if we were to get funding, I doubt I'd see any of it – I just ask that when you do attack, you take Harry Potter with you, and preferably do something extremely nasty to him."

Han and Leia glanced at each other and shrugged. "Seems perfectly reasonable. We'll be back soon."

"I look forward to it," said Snape, a smile spreading across his face.

-

writeR - is shocked What… no hassling? You mean I ordered this Anti-Hassling Mop for NOTHING?

SlashyKitty – Ooh yes. Must work in the AOA. And I also hate Mary-Sues, but when they're torturing Legolas, I find I can bear them…

Freakanature – Well, he hasn't had much practice… but then he doesn't get much better in the future, either…

Satanira – You wait till later in the story. You'll get lessons on how to be an Evil Villain then. And… errr… who's Wufei? And does Satanira often threaten to kill people, or should I set my trained ninja Wob-Wobs on guard outside my room?

xPussyWillowKittenx – They're sports for people who can't do sports. Non-athletes in denial. In other words, losers. Nah, just kidding. You know another boring sport? DARTS. And croquet. Croquet is only fun when I'm commentating. And dressage! What kind of crazy person pays loads of money on a horse and then makes it walk sideways?

Ebon Oleander Wenham – I'll tell them to back off… eventually…once you've come crawling back. Watching people crawl is funny… like yelling at tweeting birds to shut up on a fine midsummer's morning…And what did you get grounded for, you naughty wench? (Sorry, I like calling people 'wench' at the moment…)

Eowyn Skywalker – OK, I will. turns on Star Wars: A New Hope LUUKE! EOWYN SKYWALKER LOVES YOU MORE THAN LEGOLAS! … NO, THIS ONE'S NOT YOUR SISTER! And thank you – I consider myself quite good at coming up with Mary-Sue names and backstories. That's not really a skill I can put on my personal statement though – I can translate it to 'imaginative'. And more fandoms are coming – won't say which and when, though…

Zelinko – It's never on TV! Not my pitiful only-four-channels TV anyway. I will track down a Trekkie and ask them to help me. My knowledge of Star Trek is a) the Star Trekkin' song and b) When going down to the surface of an unknown alien planet, do NOT be the nameless crewmember wearing red. You WILL die.#

Aaaand on that cheery note, so long and thanks for all the Sith.