Few bits of news: A) Some of you read the Official Fanfiction University of Troy. Well, it's been taken down. Just so you know. B) I have a highly enjoyable chest infection – whoopee! C) Which will hopefully pass before I audition for Luna Lovegood – because, for some odd reason, the casting directors for HP 5 have decided to come looking at my school. Hmmm. Anyway, here's the next chapter.
Chapter 9
Aragorn opened his eyes, and quickly wished he hadn't.
One glance around confirmed his worst fears – he had absolutely no idea where he was. He doubted he was even in Middle-earth, unless building techniques had really advanced in Minas Tirith in his absence, judging by the large skyscrapers towering over him.
He sat up and looked around, trying to deduce where he was from what he could see. He seemed to be in a large city, very similar to those in the Watching Dimensions… but everything had the slightly unreal, very well defined and perfectly lit feeling of a Fandom World. So he was in a different story, not in the Watching Dimensions.
Everything seemed to have a slightly green tinge, he noticed… or was that just an after-effect of that gun that woman had fired at him? At the memory of being shot by the blaster, his head gave a sulky throb – apparently it didn't appreciate this kind of treatment and would be writing him a stern letter as soon as they were out of this mess.
A lot of people were milling about, but none of them gave him a second glance. He assumed this wasn't a realistic fandom, then - this was probably a fandom where odd things, like people popping out of nowhere, happened regularly.
He started walking along the street, trying to find someone who looked like a major character, who might be able to get him out of here and back to Middle-earth. For a long time, he found no-one – but then he rounded a corner and found himself in a park, where a most peculiar battle was taking place.
One man in black and wearing sunglasses was fighting – was that Elrond? That other man looked like Elrond, as well – and that one – in fact, Aragorn thought in amazement, all the massive crowd attacking the man seemed to look like Elrond. Hundreds and hundreds of Elronds. And the man was somehow managing to keep them all at bay with a pole…
The man in black suddenly leapt into the air, and everything froze. Aragorn had a split second to glance around, seeing all the Elronds stop attacking, frozen in mid-air, when suddenly the world span round a full circle, sending Aragorn flying into a nearby bench. Then, just as quickly, the world unfroze, and the man's leg flew out at the nearest Elrond, and the fight resumed as if nothing had happened.
Aragorn sat up from the ruins of the bench, feeling slightly dazed. But underneath his complete and utter bafflement, something was clicking into place… black coats and sunglasses… hundreds of Elronds… world randomly stopping and spinning around, as if it got bored if it stayed still too long…
"Hey!" he said suddenly, leaping to his feet, "HEY! MATRIX PEOPLE!"
The Elronds and the man in black immediately stopped fighting and turned to look at him. Several Elronds who'd been hurling themselves at the man in black stopped in mid-air, but unlike before, didn't just hang there but plummeted to the ground.
"Who are you?" asked the man.
"Aragorn," replied Aragorn, stepping forwards, "Lord of the Rings fandom."
"Oh," said the man, "Hi, I'm Neo, Matrix fandom. And these are Agent Smith."
"All of them?"
"Yeah."
"Hello," they all said in unison.
"Hey," said Aragorn, waving slightly uncertainly.
"What are you doing here?" asked Neo, and his face suddenly fell. "You're not here with Mary-Sues, are you?"
"No, don't worry," assured Aragorn, "Why, you got a problem with them?"
"Well, not as much as some… we use them as bullet shields, usually, but they can get annoying…" shrugged Neo, "Then what are you doing here?"
Aragorn quickly explained about being attacked in the woods by people from the Star Wars fandom. "I think it's because of the NERD review," he said, "They're trying to sabotage other stories so that theirs remains top…"
The Agents Smith all started muttering to each other. It was quite a sight. Aragorn had the idea they were all trying to be discreet, but it ended up sounding as though he was standing on a sand dune in a strong breeze.
"What do you think we should do?" asked Neo, frowning.
"Well… at the very least, find some way to get me home," said Aragorn, "And for your own fandom, well, just look out for intruders, maybe send some people to the Watching Dimensions…"
"The Smiths can do that," said Neo immediately, "There's enough of them. But how to get you home… how did you get here?"
"I don't know," admitted Aragorn, "Plot hole, I think."
"Hmmm," said Neo, thinking, "We need a plothole that'll take you to Middle-earth… Any suggestions?"
"A Lord of the Rings/ Matrix crossover Mary-Sue?" suggested Aragorn, "If they exist?"
Neo's face broke into an unexpected smile. "In fact, we have several…"
-
Professor Rumansa's feeling of self-satisfaction lasted for exactly one hour and seventeen minutes. That was how long it took him to get back from the Forest, into his office, pour himself a glass of wine, inform Sauron of what had happened, and then go down to lunch.
He'd have thought it would have taken a lot to destroy the pride of not only disposing of the story's protagonists, but many other young witches and wizards as well – who said he was losing his touch? – but, in fact, it only took one glance at the Gryffindor table.
Because, sitting there, calmly having lunch, appeared to be Harry, Ron and Hermione.
If he had heard their conversation, however, he may have been less horrified.
"Just act natural," Hermione was whispering to Harry, "Pretend that you're used to eating surrounded by wizards…"
Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "It's weird, though… everyone's staring at me…"
"Protagonist!" shrieked Ron, whose head barely reached over the table, meaning something along the lines of "Of course they are, you're the main character!"
"You really think they won't notice her?" said Harry, nervously glancing at Ron, who, far from being tall and gangly, now seemed to be the size of an infant, and could only speak in a series of unintelligible shrieks.
"They won't," assured Hermione, "The canon will alter to fit us in… And don't rub your forehead, you'll smudge the scar!" she hissed as Harry sighed and raised his hand towards his head.
"Oh, right…" he said, "Sorry, Vi-"
"HERMIONE," hissed Hermione.
"Right… I wonder how Olaf's doing?"
"If I know him, he's doing something extremely fiendish," said Hermione, not with her usual look of gloom but with a barely suppressed grin.
"Yay!" shrieked Ron, which meant something like, "Hurray for the students of Hogwarts getting what's coming to them, and for us getting our revenge on them for all the years of them being better than us!"
"Well said," said Harry.
The students of Hogwarts were about to get a whole lot more unfortunate…
-
In Middle-earth, the NERD Council of Elrond was about to begin. Normally, councils made Elrond extremely happy – he finally felt as though he was contributing to something, and the attendees normally brought chocolates for him, though most of them were hastily snaffled by Arwen – but this time, as he surveyed the Council, he felt nothing but dread.
Most of the characters had arrived, but a fair few were missing. Frodo hadn't been seen for days; Gandalf had sent word that he couldn't make it but not explained why; Legolas seemed to have vanished somewhere on the road from Mirkwood to Rivendell; Saruman was probably up to his own fiendish plans (and good luck to him, Elrond thought fervently); they hadn't heard from Boromir; and Sam, Merry and Pippin… well, Eru knew where three unescorted hobbits might end up.
At least Aragorn had made it, Elrond told himself, turning to the Ranger, who was sitting to his right. But this crisis seemed to have affected him – he was looking haughty and distant, jumped whenever anyone spoke to him, and was accompanied by a strange female Ranger called Leiagorn, who scarcely let him out of her sight. He made a mental note to talk to Arwen, and then rose to his feet. Immediate hush fell.
"Elves, dwarves, hobbits, men… we all know why we are here. First of all – has anyone seen Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Boromir, Gandalf or Saruman?"
The Council shook its head as one. Elrond said something extremely un-elflike, making several people raise their eyebrows in surprise. "Sorry," he said quickly, "But we must try and manage without them, I suppose… Our main threat comes from Star Wars-"
Aragorn cheered for some reason, but quickly stopped when he was elbowed sharply by Leiagorn.
"-and from Harry Potter," continued Elrond, looking oddly at Aragorn, "But I have heard that other fandoms have heard about our current warfare, and seem to be planning to try and twist this review to their advantage as well… Galadriel has looked into her mirror for me and has seen many strange things: skeleton pirates, a man with one eyebrow, a talking lion, wooden horses, people in black coats flying above cities, men with metal claws, and, most oddly, a trunk with hundreds of dear little legs…"
The Council started whispering amongst themselves, disturbed by this news. "It is unfortunate," said Elrond, raising his voice, "but we are seen as the biggest threat to other fandoms for this NERD review. We have gained the most fans in the last few years… I think some fandoms have become settled in their positions near the top-"
He was interrupted by the insisted bleeping of his phone. He hurriedly pulled it out of his pocket and flipped it open. "Elrond here."
"Elrond, it's Boromir!" came a distressed voice.
"Oh, Boromir… why aren't you here at the Council?"
"We're having a few problems at Minas Tirith, Elrond…"
Elrond's stomach sank. "What kind of problems?"
"Well-" The phone suddenly went dead. Elrond stared at it in his hand in shock, as though it was about to explain apologetically why the call had suddenly been cut short.
Stomach sinking still lower, he turned back to the Council. "It seems," he said slowly, "that Minas Tirith is in a spot of trouble…"
Hundreds of miles away, Boromir was being dragged away from the phone back into the throne room by two pirates. These two pirates, cackling happily at finally being allowed to do what they did best without fear of repercussions involving a certain blacksmith, deposited the heir to the Stewardship of Gondor at the foot of the throne.
Cursing inwardly, Boromir looked up at the figure sitting on the throne.
Jack Sparrow grinned down at him. "Ahoy there," he said.
-
When the first Mary-Sues had descended upon Legolas, shrieking gleefully at the sight of their snugglebunny completely at their mercy, Legolas had thought miserably, "Oh Eru, this is how I'm going to die…"
Legolas had never got to hear the tale of when Bilbo and the dwarves were at the mercy of the three trolls, but if he had, he might have noticed a few similarities. He was still tied up and gagged on the ground; a little way away, the Mary-Sues were all discussing how best to enjoy this situation. I will not share what they said, because I would like to keep this PG, but I'm sure you can all imagine the sorts of horrible things that reached Legolas's pointed ears…
This wasn't how he was going to die, Legolas thought. This was hell already.
Luckily, at this very moment, Aragorn and SilverStarLight (the daughter of Neo and Arwen, who had been kidnapped by Agent Smith at a young age, raised as his own, and sent back to Middle-earth to steal the One Ring) popped out of the Middle-earth Mary-Sue Plot Hole. He landed with a bump on the ground and looked around in a slightly dazed way. He quickly recovered, however, when he caught sight of Legolas and the Mary-Sues.
"Hey!" he shouted, leaping to his feet and drawing his sword. The Mary-Sues looked up from their plotting, and their eyes widened. First the elf completely at their mercy, now defensive and angry Aragorn striding towards them? This was their lucky day…
Five minutes later, they had re-assessed this situation, and were fleeing shrieking into the woods, many holding their heads where they had been hit with the Mary-Sue Mallet.
"And don't come back!" shouted Aragorn after them. He started towards Legolas, reconsidered, and called after them, "Wait! Any Jedi, come back!"
"What?" said Legolas in tones of horror, "The Star Wars crossovers are the worst ones!"
"Trust me," muttered Aragorn as several Mary-Sues turned round and came dashing back, eyes wide and eager. "Er – hello. I was just wondering, er, how you lovely young ladies-" Two of them fainted. "- managed to find your way into Middle-earth? That is, which plot hole you came through?"
"I came through no plot hole!" declared one of the Mary-Sues dramatically, "I, Lumiarilithanarael Skywalker, came here in my X-Wing to flee my father, Darth Vader, who is trying to make me join the Dark Side-"
"That's just great," said Aragorn quickly, "Where did you really come through?"
The Sues stared at him in confusion. Another one began, "I, Baravernarysilvia Halleberry, was sent here by the Emperor to assassinate Prince Legolas, who was really The Lost Jedi but didn't know it, but fell in love with him instead-" but quickly shut up when Aragorn drew his sword and held it against her neck.
"Lookit, girl, I couldn't give half a fig which canon character you're having a tragic love affair with. Now, tell me which plot hole you came through, or..." He shifted his sword from her neck to her long elegant hairstyle. "… Or you're getting a haircut that no-one in all that galaxy could find attractive. Except maybe Wookiees."
Ten minutes later, the Mary-Sues were hurrying away looking scandalized, and Aragorn and the untied Legolas were making their way to the Star Wars plot hole.
"Nice move, Ranger," said Legolas, rubbing his elbows and checking the Mary-Sues hadn't stolen his socks, "Fun as that was, was there any point?"
"Oh, of course there was," said Aragorn with a smile, "The Star Wars universe are obviously trying to mess stuff up here, so I say we return the favour…"
Legolas's face broke into an identical evil grin. And everyone between Bree and the Lonely Mountain knew that when Aragorn and Legolas were together and grinning like that, there was going to be trouble.
Sadly, no-one in the Star Wars universe knew this, so when Aragorn and Legolas appeared out of nowhere in prequel trilogy Coruscant, no-one tried to stop them as they set off towards the Jedi Temple.
More fool them.
-
Satanira – Righto. sets Ninja Wob-Wobs around leather jacket, dragon jeans and LOTR and SW T-shirts And of course fictional characters are saner than real life ones – because no-one's written a truly insane character yet. I HAVE MY CHALLENGE!
Kamineko – Yes, I will definitely agree with you on Anakin. He made episode 3 much more enjoyable. Hmmm… that WOULD be strange for Anakin to meet Vader… might have to organize that at some point in this… just to see whether we can make Anakin frown even more…And of course it's an open competition! POTC has joined the battlefield now, as has the Matrix, Harry Potter and Lemony Snicket. And more will turn up soon… And yes, Mace Windu was a bit of a wuss about having his hand cut off. And… you're right, where the heck IS Yoda? runs off to write him in
Zelinko – I think I will have to include Star Trek. First, must research it a bit more.
Freakanature – I'm what now?
Pointy Ears are My Thing – Ummm, I'm not quite sure I want to unleash it on the world… but anyway… sends over Wob-Wobs with a crate of Yoda Pop
Ebon Oleander Wenham – IIINJUUUSTIIICE! phones Amnesty International And I can't update OFUT now… ever again… And yes, Han Solo is considered hot – most would prefer him to Snape, anyway. sits down to wait for you to come crawling back
SlashyKitty – Thanks! Torturing Legolas is what I do best. Apart from eat cookies. Tough call as to which I prefer though.
xPussyWillowKittenx – Well, Saru – Professor Rumansa did it to get Harry out of the way to disrupt the plot continuum. So technically he succeeded – until, um, the new trio showed up. So for one whole chapter! Don't worry, Harry will be stuck in the forest for some time yet.
writeR – Oh yes. Watch what it does - intercepts your HASSLE turns it into cookies Mmm!
Eowyn Skywalker – Oh yes… Artemis Fowl… but I don't know whether enough people have read it… I'll try to fit him in later. And the day Barney wins ANYTHING is a day of TRAGEDY!
Machiavelli – Ooh, neat ideas. Thanks!