Homework is no longer piling up, because I dropped Biology, because I decided NOT to do medicine after all but to go and study Classics instead. So I get to learn English! Yaaay!
Chapter 11
Meanwhile, in the Forbidden Forest, the students were still standing around and wondering how best to get back to school. Just so you know. They haven't been in the story for a bit.
"Could you send a Patronus?" suggested Ron, "Like the Order? Tell someone where we are?"
"I can try," said Harry, and pulled out his wand. "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"
The stag erupted from the end of his wand. It looked around and back at Harry, slightly baffled by the lack of Dementors.
"Er," said Harry, "Can you, er, go up to the school and tell them we're stuck here?"
The stag gave Harry what he thought was an extremely disdainful look, and vanished. "Hey!" said Harry, "Stupid ingrate!"
"What about the Four-point spell?" said Hermione suddenly, and laid her wand on her hand. "Point me," she muttered, and it span around to face a particularly large and vicious looking bush. "Right, that way's north – which direction does the school lie in?"
Everyone looked at each other and shrugged. "We've been going to this school for years, and no-one knows which direction it lies in in relation to the Forest?" said Hermione in disbelief.
"Looks like it," sighed Harry.
Ron had resorted to more crude methods of getting back. "CAR!" he was yelling into the trees, "CAR! WE NEED A RIDE BACK AGAIN!"
"Don't bother, Ron," said Hermione, "I heard it ran off with the car Christine from the Steven King novel…"
"Really? I heard she was driving out with the car from the 'Dukes of Hazzard'," said Harry in surprise.
Ron sat down heavily on the ground. "Something's wrong here. The canon's working against us. It should be on our side – helping us get back to the school."
"Maybe it's less complicated for it if we stay here," said Harry.
"Or maybe someone's tampered with it," said Hermione grimly.
Whatever it was, they were stuck there.
-
The closer Frodo and Figwit got to the Death Star, the smaller the odds of their rescue became. They were already extremely poor, considering no-one in the Lord of the Rings fandom had a spaceship, no-one knew where they were, and no-one in the Star Wars universe found their well-being that important.
When they came out of hyperspace near the Death Star, their odds became smaller.
As they landed in the docking bay, their odds of rescue were less than those of not being struck by lightning when standing on a hillside in Greek mythology wearing a metal suit and shouting that Zeus is a 'drunk idiot who couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat'.
And by the time they were being lead into the Emperor's main chamber, their odds of rescue were about the same as the odds of being rescued by a passing ship, having been ejected from your own, before your thirty seconds of air runs out.
Yet Frodo was still quite upbeat.
As Frodo and Figwit were lead into the Emperor's chamber, the Emperor heard Frodo remark to the stormtroopers, "Oh boy, how embarrassing. You guys are all wearing the same outfit. Or did you all co-ordinate when you got up this morning?" And the Emperor did something he had never done before.
He blinked in surprise.
"Oh," muttered Figwit to Frodo, "dear. That's the Emperor."
Frodo stared. "What, the old wrinkly guy in the bathrobe?"
Figwit made a faint whimpering noise and edged away from Frodo.
"Frodo Baggins," said the Emperor suddenly and dramatically, in a way which Frodo was sure had taken a lot of practice to get just right, "And – er – random elf, whatever your name is… I am the Emperor of this Galaxy, and this fandom. And you…" He paused for the exact right amount of time, down to the nearest microsecond, "are now my prisoners."
"Oh," said Frodo, and shrugged. "OK."
Figwit added something which sounded like, "Mimblewimble."
The Emperor regarded them both, fighting to control his right eyebrow which suddenly seemed inclined to creep up his wrinkly forehead. He chose to continue in the same threatening powerful way. "You will remain here on the Death Star until I decide otherwise. I can assure you that your stay will… not be pleasant. We may torture you to gain information about your fandom, or just for our own amusement. We may fill every hour of your day with unimaginable torment, and some extra hours for a bonus. We may – what is it?" he snapped irritably at Frodo, who was waving his hand in the air.
"Where's the bathroom?" asked Frodo, lowering his hand, "I haven't been since Darth Vader picked me up at Bag End. I can't go in shuttle bathrooms, you see," he added when the Emperor stared at him blankly, "I'm worried I'm going to be sucked into them. And I don't like the dispensers that only give you one tiny square – I mean, how is that sufficient? Seriously? It can't be hygienic."
The Emperor's eyes narrowed. "Can't it wait?"
"Ummmm," said Frodo, starting to dance from foot to foot and getting a slightly pained expression on his face, "No, no, it really can't."
The Emperor sighed. "Third on the right."
"Cheers," said Frodo, and darted out of the door, letting it slam behind him. The Emperor and Figwit were left in silence.
"I don't know him," said Figwit hurriedly. The Emperor was too lost in surprise to answer.
They waited for him to return. And waited. And waited. Finally, the intercom button on the Emperor's chair buzzed. "Yes?"
"Um," crackled the voice through the receiver, "Sir, we have a slight problem…"
"Slight problem? What do you mean? Where's the hobbit?"
"That's just it, my lord… he's gone."
"Gone?"
"I don't understand it, sir – a ship just appeared in the middle of the corridor, and the hobbit fell through a suddenly-open door, and then it vanished again."
"But…" The Emperor felt an unknown feeling creeping through him. It took him several moments to recognize it as confusion. "But… that's impossible!"
"No sir," said the officer slightly wearily, "Just very, very improbable…"
-
Meanwhile, in Minas Tirith, the pirates were getting started on what promised to be an exceptionally rowdy party in the citadel.
"Come on, Jack," wheedled Will, "Let me sit on the throne for a bit."
Jack looked up from his tankard abruptly so that the paper crown he had made fell over his eyes. "I'll have you know," he said to a spot some two feet to Will's right, "that this throne is well-erved and long-desearned. When you manage to topple the greatest city in a fandom, then you get to sit in the throne, savvy?"
"But I came up with the idea," protested Will, "I formulated the strategy. I fought most of the guards. I even opened the front door for you. What part did you play in all this?"
Jack pondered this for a while. "I made the crown," he said proudly.
"I found the real one," said Will, pulling out the silver circlet from his pocket, which Jack promptly snatched.
"Thangyouverymuch," he said, throwing away his paper crown and jamming the silver one on his head. Seeing Will's disappointed face though, he sighed and grumbled, "All right, fine, we'll share the throne. And you can have the paper crown."
Pirates rampaged throughout the city, looting everything from the houses and then looting each other. There was much drinking and merry-making, and after they came across a brewery, a fair bit of merry drink-making too. It promised to be a long, loud, highly enjoyable night, which sadly none of them would remember the morning after.
Elizabeth, meanwhile, was actually making the visit to Middle-earth worthwhile apart from just looting Aragorn's supply of elvish wine. She had taken it upon herself to extract information from Boromir in the only way she knew how…
"Pleeease tell me," she whined.
"No," said Boromir stubbornly.
"Awww, why nooot?"
"Well," mused Boromir, "You've invaded my home, and my fandom – you're trying to sabotage us in the NERD review – you're drinking all our beer and not wiping your feet when you go into the main hall – and as I am currently tied upside down suspended by my ankles from the White Tree, I'm not feeling too talkative."
"You're mean," pouted the upside-down Elizabeth. Suddenly her eyes brightened. "Hey – I can be mean too."
"Good for you."
"No – I can be mean, and MAKE you tell me how best to sabotage you!"
"Oh," said Boromir, inserting as much sarcasm as he could into his words, "dear."
"I will!" said Elizabeth sulkily, "You see if I don't!"
"I assure you," said Boromir, yawning, "that I am quaking in my very boots."
"Your boots are very what?"
"It's just for emphasis."
Elizabeth suddenly sighed sadly and sat down heavily on the ground. "It's so unfair."
Boromir suddenly felt his stomach clench in dread, though he wasn't sure why. "What is?"
Elizabeth looked at him, and took a deep breath. "All the people who like Pirates of the Caribbean just like it for Will and Jack, hardly anyone likes me, though I was trying to be this really cool gutsy heroine, but people just know me as the annoying girl who stole Will and Jack, which I don't think is very fair, because Will was in love with me, and Jack only showed interest on the island, which I STILL don't think was very appropriate, and as for Barbossa…"
As she continued to rant on, Boromir suddenly understood his stomach's dread. He had done the unthinkable – he had got a heroine started on moaning about her shortcomings. Suppressing a whimper, he struggled to break free from his ropes as her speech turned to her 'traumatizing' childhood.
The party continued to stagger its way through the night. So busy were the pirates with their righteous partying that none of them noticed three small figures wandering alongside the river where they had tethered their ships.
Very small figures.
"Ooh, where do you think all these ships came from?"
"Maybe the corsairs got confused. Timings are all thrown off because of the canon discrepancies, remember."
"They wouldn't miss just one, would they?"
"Aragorn did tell us to take a holiday…"
"Do you know how to steer a ship?"
"How hard can it be? Legolas managed it."
"A very good point. Hey, this one's got loads of apples!"
"All aboard!"
A few hours later, the sun rose over the Pelennor Fields and the city of Minas Tirith, where pirates lay dead to the world, and Elizabeth was still lamenting her troubles as Boromir considered chewing his own ankles off to get free.
The sunlight fell on Jack and Will, who were still slumped on the throne and somehow both wearing the crown (even I'm not sure how they managed it, but I'm sure it's a story worth hearing). The rays penetrated their eyelids and hit the back of their retinas, sending signals to their brains, which were angrily kicked out again and told to come back later, because who bothered people at this time of the morning when they were this drunk? I don't know. Photons nowadays.
Eventually, their brains succumbed to the photons' insistent ringing of the doorbell, stomped down the stairs and irritably greeted the new day.
Jack groaned, stretched and kicked Will off the throne onto the floor. "Go get the paper, there's a good boy," he mumbled, and snuggled deeper into the stone chair in the only way someone half-asleep can.
"Why do you want the paper?" grumbled Will, rubbing his head, an action which had no effect whatsoever on his throbbing headache, "Your only interest in current affairs is – is – you HAVE no interest in current affairs!"
"S'not true," mumbled Jack, head hanging over the chair arm, "I am interested in my current affair with a certain girl I saw last night…"
"Which one?"
"Errr," said Jack, "Well, one of them."
"Why do you want the paper?"
"Make hat," mumbled Jack, making strange 'shnirk'ing noises as he tried to get more comfortable, "Block out nasty sunlight."
Will groaned and staggered over to the doors, and threw them open, eliciting a moan of distress from Jack and his hangover-laden head as more sunlight poured into the room.
Will, however, was looking down at the river. "Er… Jack?"
"Wurrisit?"
"The Black Pearl's gone."
-
Ebon Oleander Wenham – I doubt I got the part. See livejournal for details. Ah well. And I believe that in the heart of every Evil Overlord beats the heart of someone very petulant and pathetic.
Pointy Ears Are My Thing – You don't like it? Fair enough. It was just a good fandom to add in at that moment and make Professor Rumansa's blood pressure go up a bit. The neutral fandom… (grin) Ahhh, that be the wonder of Discworld. I hope to fit it in more later. And why indeed would Evil Overlords lie? It's not like they've shown any evil characteristics in their behaviour… destroy countries, yes, enslave civilizations, yes, but LIE? Nooo, that's NAUGHTY…
SlashyKitty – Oooh, that's a good idea. What's DDR? The reason I always use Sonic is that I have a very special place in my heart for Sonic – it's the game I grew up playing. They're not playing the brand new shiny 3D games where there's loads of additional characters like Shadow and Amy or that vampire bat, they're playing the old-fashioned arcade versions… (nostalgic sigh)
xPussyWillowKittenx – Hurray for conspiracies! (sends out for Lembas pizza to celebrate)
Mousewolf – Ahhh… the big rat thing that can be taken out with one kick. And scratches in a very skilled way – not enough to disable Padme or cause severe blood loss, but just enough to tear the midriff off her top in an arty way.
writeR – You don't win! I will NEVER be defeated! (grabs anti-hassling SPORK) HAVE AT YOU!
Kelly of the Midnight Dawn – Um, the only one of them I've heard of is Star Trek. I'm going to fit it in somewhere, but I need to do some research into it soon… I've only seen a few of the Captain Kirk episodes, and that was ages ago…
freakanature – Oooh! runs into kitchen and starts mashing potatoes So THAT'S what you do with them! I never knew… I have all these spare compliments underneath my bed… WASTED!
Satanira – You could also try checking Bespin. They seem to feel the need to pour out loads of it whenever they're carbon-freezing someone.
Eowyn Skywalker – Death is one of TEH AWESOMEST CHARACTERS, LYK, EVA. Mort is my favourite Discworld book so far (I'm up to Wyrd Sisters, reading my way through them steadily…) and we might be performing the play of it at my drama club! Though I'm not sure anyone could play Death properly… Everyone's telling me to add Artemis Fowl, so I probably will sooner or later, and I want to throw in a cameo from the Princess Bride because I love it so much. And the Luggage will definitely be turning up sooner or later – I couldn't have Death and not the Luggage… As for wooden horses… (grin) BIG wooden horses.
Alea Seikou – I really want to get in Inu Yasha somewhere. I do love that dog demon boy. Though I've only read book 8, because my sister's leant her others to one of her friends… mutter mutter grumble
Kamineko – I have to get Harry and the others out of the forest first. Not quite sure how I'm going to do that. (sudden inspiration) Hang on… (grin slowly spreads across face)