Sorry for the long delay. My essays are DONE, and sent off to various universities to fool them into offering me a place, and I actually have a free weekend ahead of me… it's a very strange feeling… Anyway, here's the next chapter. Chapter 13… it's certainly unlucky for one person…
Chapter 13
Hogwarts was in trouble again. Surprised?
Chaos was seeping unstoppably through the school like red wine on a wedding dress. Dumbledore found out that during his absence several students from wealthy families, including Draco Malfoy, had mysteriously vanished. Witnesses had described seeing a man with one eyebrow, though Dumbledore had never heard of such a wizard. Also, the house-elves had moved on from talking in musical voices to adapting their pillowcases into beautiful flowing robes, and they had started composing long epic poems about their lives. He had even caught one trying to make a ring.
But the strangest thing of all was that most of the students in Harry's year had also vanished – except for Harry, Ron and Hermione, who looked strangely furtive and, in Ron's case, extremely short. Dumbledore caught Professor Rumansa staring at them with wide disbelieving eyes and muttering under his breath, and seemed to have a lot of empty elvish wine bottles around his office.
But if Dumbledore was having problems, they were nothing compared to Professor Rumansa's.
First of all, he wasn't very happy at his lack of success. Secondly, Sauron wasn't very happy at his lack of success.
Thirdly, a certain Dark wizard wasn't very happy that he was even trying.
"Hello," said a voice behind him when he entered his study.
Professor Rumansa span round so quickly his white beard flared out and his fake glasses-and-moustache flew off, and found that Voldemort was sitting next to his fire, looking more than a little annoyed. Of course, he didn't know that it was Voldemort, but it was probably lucky that he didn't mention that, considering Voldemort's self-esteem was already dangerously low.
Because before he could ask, he noticed someone standing behind him. Darth Vader.
"No, you're doing it all wrong," said Darth Vader in an exasperated way, "Yes, the sitting-silently-then-suddenly-noticed thing was good, but what sort of threatening greeting is 'hello'? Did you even watch 'The Empire Strikes Back' like I told you to?"
"Yes, I-" began Voldemort.
"It's all about presence! You call yourself a Dark Lord?"
"I – I-"
"Hang your head in shame!"
Voldemort hung his head in shame. Professor Rumansa looked at the two of them in confusion.
"Hello there," said Darth Vader, "Sauron sends his regards, and says he hopes you get a move on. Before long, Dumbledore's going to notice what's going on."
"Can I stop hanging my head now?" said Voldemort to his chest.
"I suppose so," said Darth Vader. Voldemort sighed in relief and lifted his head. "Uh-uh! That sounded like a sign of weakness! Never show your enemy that you feel discomfort! Hang your head in shame!"
"But you've been making me hang my head in shame for hours already today," cried Voldemort, "I think my spine is becoming curved!"
"HANG IT!" said Vader threateningly. Voldemort moaned and let his head fall to his chest. Professor Rumansa thought he heard a click.
"Uh," said Professor Rumansa, "Er – what do you want?"
"Not me," said Darth Vader, slapping the top of Voldemort's bald head, "This ignoramus here."
"That hurt," whimpered Voldemort.
"Get a backbone, will you?"
"I do. I think it's being irreparably damaged."
"Shhhh. You're not learning. Now, let's just stand here in silence while you THINK about what it MEANS to be a Dark Wizard. I mean, why didn't you just become a florist? THAT seems to be more your area."
"I get bad hayfever," mumbled Voldemort.
"SHHHT! Complete silence."
They stood in silence for a moment.
Saruman?
"AARGH!" yelled Professor Rumansa, "What was that?"
"Nothing," said Darth Vader hurriedly.
"What was what?" asked Voldemort, raising his head.
"HEAD DOWN!" boomed Darth Vader, shoving his head back down.
"I swore I heard something," said Professor Rumansa confusedly, while Voldemort screamed, "My vertebrae! My beautiful reincarnated vertebrae!" "Like… someone talking to me in my head…"
That was me, dumbass. Darth Vader.
"Ooooh, that was YOU?" said Professor Rumansa, "I didn't know you could talk in people's heads! Can all Sith do that?"
"I wasn't talking in your head," said Darth Vader innocently.
"Why were you talking in his head?" asked Voldemort.
"No idea," shrugged Professor Rumansa.
"I WASN'T," said Darth Vader firmly, over-pronounciating each syllable, "talking in your head."
"Yes you were," said Professor Rumansa.
"NO. I. WASN'T." Stop saying that, you idiot!
"You did it again!" said Professor Rumansa eagerly, and then frowned. "Was calling me an 'idiot' really necessary?"
Darth Vader sighed and smacked his mask with his hand, making a THONK noise.
"What are you talking about?" asked Voldemort.
"Nothing Theresa," said Darth Vader quickly, "Now, Saru – Professor Rumansa – listen to me – and watch me wink. OK? I am NOT – TALKING – TO – YOU – IN – YOUR – HEAD."
"I can't see you winking, you're wearing a weird mask for some reason."
A strange rumbling noise came from Darth Vader's chest, and his gloves creaked as he clenched his fists.
"Er," said Voldemort, "I just heard you say, 'Stop saying I'm talking to you in your head, Saruman!' in my head."
"Oh, sorry," said Darth Vader, "Wrong person. Ignore that. Don't raise your head!"
Voldemort groaned and returned his chin to his chest. "Are you talking about me?"
"Yes, I'm telling him that you're a disgrace," said Darth Vader in such a way Professor Rumansa was sure he was rolling his eyes behind his helmet, "But I was being discreet for your benefit, since you already act like such a girl I was worried you'd start crying on us. And while I know how important it is for working women to be able to express their feelings in this horrible man-driven world, this cape is dry-clean only so I'd prefer you didn't use it as a hanky, thank you very much."
"That's harsh," observed Professor Rumansa, slightly awed.
"Only way he'll learn."
Listen, you half-assed attempt at Evil Overlord homework, I AM talking in your head, but DON'T REACT!
Professor Rumansa, who had been about to jump into the air in surprise, tried to stop himself and ended up falling over sideways. "OW!"
"Why did you do that?" asked Voldemort curiously.
"Er – nervous twitch."
There's a good wizard. Now listen, Saruman, I'm talking in your head for a reason. Now act nonchalant so Voldemorina here doesn't suspect anything.
Professor Rumansa settled his gaze firmly on a corner of the ceiling, frowned slightly and started humming quietly to himself.
That's nonchalant?
I haven't had much practice! thought back Professor Rumansa in an annoyed way, I don't generally have much cause to.
Ohh, careful there, Dumber-dledore, that sounded like you were SNAPPING at me. You weren't, were you?
… No, sir…
Good good. Now listen up, Sarumanicure. I'm PRETENDING to be encouraging towards Tommabell here, to be 'honing his skills as a Dark Lord so that THAT BOY can be eliminated once and for all' – but REALLY I'm breaking his confidence and, eventually, and sense of self-worth, down into small bitesize chunks to feed to the Gungans, until he just loses the will to be evil. And suddenly the hero has nothing to be heroic against. Goodbye fanverse.
"That is SMART!" said Professor Rumansa in amazement.
"What is?" asked Voldemort.
"… Ceilings! Aren't they just incredible? I mean, otherwise there'd only be one floor in every house, and everyone would get wet when it rained." Voldemort lifted his eyes and stared at him. "Remarkable things," continued Professor Rumansa, "Where WOULD we be without them?"
Smooth. I can see where you got your title 'The Wise' from.
Scchnnnyeeerr. What do you want me to do, anyway?
Just defeat Voldemort at every turn. Send him crying back to his snake. Oh – and start wreaking better havoc here. I mean, vanishing students? Pitiful. You can do better.
They were canon-important students.
What do you want, a cookie? I want MAYHEM!
Fine, fine.
Darth Vader nodded. "All right," he said to Voldemort, "Now that we're done contemplating silently what a disgrace you are, you can say what you came here to say."
Voldemort stood up, straightening his neck and successfully suppressing a whimper, though Professor Rumansa heard the tell-tale crack as his vertebrae slipped back into place with a disgruntled sigh of relief.
"Ahem," he said, and quickly settled his face into his classic expression, whose eyes said, 'I'm going to bring pain and crushing doom on you, very very soon', and the eyebrows said, 'But you have a chance to make your death quick and relatively painless, IF I'm feeling nice.' "I hear that you've been trying to dispose of a certain boy called Harry Potter."
"Um," said Professor Rumansa, "Well, kinda."
"Ah," said Voldemort, drawing himself slightly taller – more vertebrae slipped into place – "Well, I think that you ought to know that I have been trying to dispose of Harry Potter for several years now. Since he was born, actually."
"Oh. Um. That's nice."
"Not really. Because I have always been thwarted. Can you even begin to imagine how frustrating that is?"
"I can start to," said Professor Rumansa slightly nervously, "considering about half that last sentence was in italics."
"Oh yes," hissed Voldemort, causing all snakes within a two mile radius to perk their heads up, "I am feeling very italicizedright now… and do you know why I'm feeling particularly italicized?"
"I have a feeling you're going to tell me…"
"The reason I'm feeling particularly italicized is that after I have failed for quite a few years – most of those being spent in a forest in Albania – some upstart of a wizard comes along and thinks he can just steal my idea!"
Professor Rumansa nervously took a step back. "Um," he said, "… sorry?"
"So you should be," said Voldemort angrily, "So don't do it again!"
"OK, that's a little too much italics," commented Darth Vader.
"Really? I was just going with the moment-"
"No, planning is the key. Planning. For example, whose clever idea was it to have the Triwizard Cup being a two-way Portkey? I mean, honestly? And couldn't you have set up some kind of magical barrier in the graveyard? All these simple plans could have stopped Harry escaping for the – what was it – third time?"
"Second," said Voldemort defensively, but his shoulders were slumping again, "Once, it was only my memory."
"Ah," said Darth Vader, leaving a long pause, just long enough to show that he didn't think this was much of an excuse, and then said briskly, "Come along now, things to do…"
The two of them got up and headed for the door. Just as Voldemort reached it, Darth Vader snapped, "Don't leave without some sort of last threat!"
"I thought the silent, dignified exit was best?"
"No, no – that's best for when visiting prisoners for torture, meeting heroes unexpectedly, or leaving to complete some sort of dastardly scheme. When meeting for threatening, or possibly informing someone that you have a friend of theirs prisoner, THAT'S when you make some sort of threat before leaving! I can see this is going to take a lot of work…"
Professor Rumansa – who I will now start calling Saruman, as you really should have guessed by now – listened to them bickering all the way down the corridor. It briefly occurred to him that it was a little strange that not only the most wanted evil wizard in that fandom at that time had managed to enter Hogwarts unnoticed, but he was accompanied by an evil Sith Lord as well, who was known for killing children.
This small recognition was replaced by the overwhelming realization that he WAS bad at being nonchalant. Maybe that was how Gandalf guessed he'd turned evil so quickly?...
-
Mousewolf – Heeheehee. Funnily enough, this isn't the first time I've been called a Mary-Sue – I think it's the blonde hair, blue eyes and fondness for swords and cloaks. And I can't take credit for the "Damn bug things!" – my friend kept yelling it when we were having our own Sonic tournament the other day. Seriously, they come out of nowhere! Just when you've got a load of rings, too! (falls to muttering angry curses and foretelling doom on all bug things)
freakanature – You are a lovely kind person who fills me with warm fuzzies! There, you can make your own compliment cakes now!
Bev Baudelaire – Thanks! Constructive criticism is good, but I gotta love the compliments.
SlaskyKitty – I'm sure similar thoughts are in Han Solo's head right now…
xPussyWillowKittenx – I'm a big fan of the Brothers El, and I've actually been trying to fit them into a story for a long time… wasted opportunity in the film. Just imagine, double elvish prettiness!
technetium – It is a little known fact that it is extremely difficult to get your hands on waffles in that galaxy far, far away…
writeR – HARHAR! Novelty cutlery will rule the world!
Satanira – Hokay… starting to get a bit nervous now… why was she gathering all these things again?
Pointy Ears Are My Thing – Erm… getting creepy…
LEDlorien7 – Thanks very much! I'm on the lookout for a unicorn journal myself.
Kamineko – Hey, I like Elizabeth too – she's much better than most heroines of late. And Norrington is great too. But I do empathise with Hermione though, because she is scarily similar to me… And I don't think ANYONE falls on their behind quite as stylishly as Han Solo. Not even Frodo, and he's had enough practice. And that walk-off idea is great… better get plotting… (evil cackle)
Liyina – That's great to hear! Thanks!
Chibi Kawaii Miko – Let me think… Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Harry Potter, the Matrix, Discworld, Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Pirates of the Caribbean, Series of Unfortunate Events… erm… I think that's it… but there are more coming… (fiendish giggle) I might write more crossovers, but I think this one's enough to be dealing with right now!