A/n: This chapter was really tough for me to write, I debated on quite a bit of it so I hope you guys enjoy the final product. Obviously this story is nothing like cannon at all but did manage to address Brian Cassidy in this chapter. I look forward to reading your thoughts and reviews.
Elliot heard her words but caught onto her nervousness right away "honey I'm not sure that you are and that's okay, it doesn't make you any less strong in my eyes I didn't tell you that to pressure you into letting me give you your pills.."
She sighed slightly and nodded "I know that El I-it's just I can't let him win. I concord 1 fear with your help yesterday at the hospital m-maybe you can help me conker this fear too."
He nodded "I'll try baby, are you sure you wanna do this though? This needs to be something you wanna do it can't be because Cragen pressured you or something else pressured you."
She slightly nodded "I-I'm sure, can we just take it slow? Lewis was forceful and held my mouth closed and.."
Elliot nodded slightly and gently stroked her hair, cutting her off "we'll go at your pace I promise, why don't I just give you some water first, then we'll see if your ready for a pill?"
She nodded her head slightly "o-okay," she said as Elliot slightly smiled "if you get scared or need me to stop just say the word okay?"
Olivia slightly nodded "I will El I promise."
Elliot nodded with a slight smile as he stroked her hair with 1 hand and uncapped the bottled water with the other "you ready honey?"
Olivia slightly nodded her head as Elliot nodded and gently held the bottle to her lips as she took a couple sips then nodded slightly, signaling she was through as he nodded and gently pulled the bottle away "that's it sweetheart you did great, you ready to try 1 of your pills? I have a Dramamine for you for the motion sickness and a morphine for the pain."
Olivia slightly nodded as she attempted sitting up but immediately got the tremors and nausea back again as she slightly sighed and eased back onto his chest "g-give me a second El," she said as her body tremored violently.
He nodded slightly as he sat the stuff down and gently held her steady while stroking her hair "easy sweetheart easy take your time love it's okay..."
She slightly nodded "I hate this so much El..."
He nodded "I know you do baby I know you do... Just take deep breaths for me, in and out, in and out."
She slightly nodded and did what he said as she focused on the motion of him stroking her hair as Cragen knocked then entered "I'm really sorry to have to rush you guys but I've gotta head in soon it's already almost 9 and I'm almost always there by 8."
Elliot sighed softly as he kept up his gentle soothing motions "look captain she's in no shape to go in today anytime she even moves her body goes into full-blown tremors.. I know we said we'd give our statements today and I'll still give mine but you're gonna have to have somebody come here to get it."
Cragen sighed "Elliot you know you guys are supposed to come in for your formal statements.."
Elliot shook his head "captain we enter-viewed victims and people who weren't able to go in all the time at their homes I might be retired but I still remember all the loopholes and Olivia isn't able to today. Tomorrow might be a different answer but today it's a no and it's nonnegotiable."
Cragen sighed heavily "Elliot..."
Elliot gave him a hard look but his voice remained calm "captain you told me I had a responsibility to do more than "love and soothe" Olivia, you told me I had a responsibility to make sure she got all of the medical care that she needs, well that's what I'm doing now and I hate to do this but you've left me with no choice, if you don't allow her to be questioned here in this bed then as her POA I'll have to refuse her being questioned until she's better."
Cragen sighed "don't you wanna ask Olivia what she thinks of this plan?"
Elliot sighed "I thought she wasn't at "full decision making capacity?" "Because that's what you said an hour and a half ago when she was scared to death because you yelled at her like she had disobeyed a direct order from you. You can't have it both ways captain and all I want is what's best for her, not what's best for your case or your squad but for her."
Cragen sighed heavily as he looked to Olivia as she faced him "captain I'm really not up to it... And I don't want every one there seeing me like this."
Cragen sighed slightly "okay okay... I'll head on in to work and I'll send Munch and Carisi here to take your statements."
"Whose Carisi?" Olivia asked.
Cragen sighed "some new detective from Queens that Muldrew sent to us to pick up the slack."
She nodded slightly "why don't you send Fin with Munch? I'd be more comfortable with him."
Cragen sighed "I can't send Fin because Fin's been suspended."
She frowned "you can't be serious.."
He sighed "I wish I wasn't, your partner was suspended too, 2 weeks."
Olivia just sighed slightly as Elliot shook his head "damn Tucker," he snarled.
Cragen nodded and sighed "yeah I know," he said as he then turned back to Olivia "so it's either Carisi or Rollins take your pick."
She nodded "send Carisi me and Rollins still aren't on good terms and I wouldn't trust her in the slightest when it comes to Elliot's statement."
Cragen just nodded "alright guys I'll see you both later and Elliot please be in a better mood when I get back."
Elliot sighed "I'm not in a bad mood at all I'm just protecting Olivia that's all."
Cragen sighed "you don't have to protect her from me Elliot, I'll see you later," he said as he left the room and headed out for the day.
"Did he really say all those things to you Elliot?" Olivia asked shocked.
Elliot nodded "every word."
Olivia sighed "wow... no wonder you slammed the door earlier..."
Elliot frowned "you heard that?"
Olivia chuckled and slightly smiled "of course I did El I might be exhausted, in agony and shaking uncontrollably but my ears still work."
He chuckled a bit "that they do sweetheart, that they do," he said with a smile "you wanna try taking the Dramamine? It's the smaller of the 2 pills we have."
Olivia tensed slightly but slightly nodded as Elliot picked up on it right away "if you need more time we can wait honey just say the word."
She shook her head slightly "I'm a little nervous but I'm ready."
He nodded slightly as he kept stroking her hair gently "sweetheart your safe, it's just me, just Elliot," he said softly as he gently placed the pill on the tip of her tongue then put the bottle of water gently to her lips as she quickly sipped then swallowed "good job honey, really good job," he said softly as once she finished sipping it he gently pulled the bottle away.
She slightly smiled "I-I did it, I-I let you do it with out flashing back..."
Elliot smiled slightly "you did sweetheart because your the strongest woman I know."
Olivia smiled slightly and managed to hug him slightly with out shaking to bad as he met her halfway "I love you so much Liv..." he said softly.
"I love you too El," she said as the alarm on his phone sounded and he sighed slightly "looks like it's time for me to tend to your burns again, you wanna take your morphine first?"
Olivia nodded her head slightly as since they had done this once already she wasn't as nervous as Elliot slightly smiled "this pill is a little bigger but it also has the outer coating on it when the Dramamine didn't so it should still go down easy."
Olivia nodded slightly "okay," she said as soon the last pill was taken and they both sighed in relief "honey words can't describe how completely and utterly proud of you I am in this moment..."
Olivia smiled slightly "El that means a lot but really I didn't do all that great you had to stroke my hair the whole time and assure me I was safe, I'm 45 years old and right now I'm not feeling like I'm that age at all."
Elliot nodded slightly as he gently laid her down and lifted her shirt to retreat the burns "I hear what your saying sweetheart but less than 24 hours ago you were having pills forced down your throat the fear is understandable. I'm honestly just honored that you trusted me to help you with that so soon after your assault."
She nodded slightly "if it hadn't been for you being so patient with me I don't think I could have."
He nodded slightly "I know," he said softly as he gently pealed 1 of the bandages off and she winced slightly "s-sorry honey..."
"I-It's okay... El do you have my wedding ring? I think I remember you saying something about having it when we were on the phone but my memories of the call are a little hazy."
He sighed slightly "your remembering right I was able to pick it up but it had to be turned in as evidence, I tried to keep it for you believe me I did but CSU wanted to try to get fingerprints off it.."
She sighed slightly and nodded "I sorta figured that was where it is."
He nodded slightly and went to work on the next burn "for what it's worth I told them to put a rush on processing it and to get it back to me as soon as possible."
She nodded with a small smile "thank you El I really look forward to having it on my finger again, it feels weird with out it there."
He nodded and slightly smiled "I bet it does, if you wanna ware mine until we get yours back you can."
Olivia slightly smiled "I appreciate the thought but I think yours is a little to big for my finger."
He chuckled slightly and smiled "your right it probably is, hey do you really think Rollins would do something to my statement?"
Olivia sighed "as much as she seems to hate you I wouldn't put it past her. I don't understand it either you haven't given her any reason to think so unhighly of you."
He nodded slightly "for what it's worth I don't think she would have. I was at the precinct the other night for hours while you were missing, we all sifted through leads, looked through his patterns all night. She searched and helped almost as much as Fin did. I mean I don't think she's my biggest fan but people dislike each other all the time and that doesn't make them frame them or alter their police statements."
She nodded "I see your point I just don't trust her Elliot."
He nodded "I know you don't baby and I really hate it for you guys because I think you could have both been friends."
She nodded slightly "we probably could have if the situation had been different but she's already said to much that she can't take back."
He nodded slightly and sighed "I do think she's a good person Liv but if the situation was reversed..." He sighed "if the situation was reversed I'd feel just as betrayed as you do so I understand where your coming from and I'll support whatever decision you make regarding her," he said as he finished bandaging the next to last burn just as his phone started vibrating as he sighed and looked at it "it's Katie I've gotta take it..."
Olivia nodded slightly "take your time El," she said as he nodded and answered "Stabler," he said through a sigh.
"Hey dad did I catch you at a bad time?" Kathleen asked.
He sighed "yeah sort of what's wrong?"
She sighed slightly "I just wanted to give you an update as to what's going on at gramma's gramma B ended up forgetting about the whole no milk thing last night before I got there so Izzabella got really sick, she threw up all night but it's under control now."
Elliot sighed heavily "I knew leaving her with her was a terrible idea, thank you for taking care of her last night Katie you don't know how much I appreciate it..."
Kathleen slightly smiled "it wasn't a problem dad, I've got things under control here for as long as you need and Maureen should be in by the end of the night, she said she'll help get your house ready for when you guys are ready to go home."
Elliot nodded "that means a lot to us, it'll need a lot of work though, and I mean a lot I don't see us going back there anytime soon."
She nodded "I sorta figured I saw the holes in the wall when I packed yours and Liv's clothes."
Elliot nodded "yeah those were my doing when I saw what I saw I just..."
"Dad I get it trust me, Izzabella wants to talk to you guys do you think she can for a few minutes?"
Elliot sighed "yeah sure but just for a couple minutes."
Kathleen nodded "alright I'll go get her," she said as Elliot sighed slightly "what do you want us to tell her when she starts asking questions?" he asked Olivia as he faced her.
She sighed "maybe just tell her I'm sick right now or something like that? I mean it's kind of true and she wouldn't understand much else."
He nodded "that'll work and if either 1 of us becomes unsure we can communicate with our glances."
She nodded "sounds like a plan," she said as just then Izzabella took the phone "daddy? Daddy I miss you and mommy sooo much when will I see you again?"
He sighed slightly "soon kiddo soon I promise I'm just still dealing with the grownup thing."
"B-But I miss you so much... And you've never dealt with a grownup thing before..."
He nodded "I know I haven't baby but this is just really really important... If I could be in two places at once I would," he said softly as he then thought for a moment "mommy's here with me do you wanna talk to her?"
She smiled brightly, her sadness gone for the time being "please?"
Elliot nodded "of course kiddo," he said as he put it on speaker "hey sweetheart," Olivia said softly as her voice sounded a little groggy since the morphine was starting to kick in.
"Mommy.. I miss you so much... Gramma B's house is fun but I miss you and daddy..."
Olivia sighed slightly as a tear fell "I know you do baby I mis you too," she said as Elliot gently stroked her hair and Izzabella caught on to the sadness in her voice "m-mommy what's wrong?" she asked as her lip trembled.
Olivia sighed slightly "baby mommy's sick right now t-that's the grownup thing..."
Izzabella frowned slightly "y-you'll get better right?"
Olivia nodded slightly "I will sweetheart I promise."
Izzabella smiled brightly "good! When you do mommy you have to help find the bad man, gramma's tv said a bad man took somebody away from their house, you find bad men right?"
"I... honey I-I do find bad men this man's already been found though.."
"But gramma's tv said..."
Olivia sighed slightly as she was becoming overwhelmed by the conversation and questions as she rolled onto her stomach and Elliot took over "honey I don't know why gramma B had that on while you were in the room you shouldn't have even seen it but the bad man's been found already like your mom said."
"But daddy yesterday the tv said..."
Izzabella was again cut off as Elliot was beginning to lose his patients "honey yesterday was yesterday and today is today the bad man's been found and that's the end of it, I don't wanna hear anything else about it."
"O-okay... I wasn't trying to make you mad..." Izzabella said through tears.
Elliot sighed slightly as he felt bad for making her cry "baby daddy's not mad I'm just stressed... Honey we'll spend time together later okay I just need to talk to Katie now."
"O-okay... d-daddy I love you, I love mommy too please help her feel better?"
"I will baby I promise, I'm sorry I made you cry and we love you too, very very much," he said as there was a brief silence then Kathleen took the phone "dad whats a matter with you Izzabella's all teary eyed."
Elliot sighed "she kept asking questions about... About you know who apparently mom let her see the news yesterday."
Kathleen sighed heavily as Elliot heard a knock on Cragen's front door "Katie I've got to go but make sure that Izzabella only watches g rated stuff from here on out, it's a nice day out too take her and mama to the beach, the park somewhere, let them get some fresh air."
"I will dad, I love you, I'll text later," she said as she hung up "Liv baby are you okay?" Elliot asked softly.
She nodded slightly "I-I'm sorry I wasn't more help El I just couldn't..."
He shook his head and stroked her hair gently "it's okay sweetheart she shouldn't have even seen it at all to have those questions," he said as the doorbell rang again and he sighed "will you be alright for a minute while I get that? Once I'm back I'll treat your last burn then we can cuddle for a bit?"
She nodded slightly "mmhmm," she said through a yawn as Elliot nodded and opened Cragen's door as he was shocked to see Brian Cassidy "can I help you?"
Cassidy sighed slightly as he held a plastic bag in his hands "I'm between working shifts at the Bronx courthouse and the evidence locker now and I was told to deliver this stuff to you," he said handing him the bag as Elliot took it with a slight nod "how's Liv doing?" Cassidy asked.
Elliot sighed "she's hanging in there."
Cassidy nodded "good, good I'm glad, look I'm sorry about what happened after I was shot man I had no idea she was married or I wouldn't have kissed her like that."
Elliot sighed heavily "regardless of you not knowing you still don't come onto a woman like that it's disrespectful and way to forward, you hadn't seen her in what 13 years?"
He nodded "yeah and we hooked up back then so.."
"So you thought it'd be okay to just randomly kiss her 13 years later.." Elliot said with a shake of his head.
Cassidy nodded "yeah man I didn't see the harm plus I was doped up on pain killers."
Elliot sighed "your a bigger idiot than I thought and your not forgiven. Is that all you needed?"
He nodded and sighed "yeah it is, there's quite a few odds and ends in there, some of it you'll probably just wanna toss."
He nodded "I'll keep that in mind," he said as he closed the door then headed back to the guest room "that idiot," Elliot mumbled to himself as he opened the door.
"What idiot?" Olivia asked hearing him.
"Brian Cassidy, he brought it up, tried to apologize."
Olivia sighed "my god... you know I still don't understand how he didn't see my ring that morning it was right there in plain sight."
Elliot sighed "he probably didn't wanna see it, he's liked you since the 90s."
She nodded slightly and sighed "it was a 1 night stand that happened almost 15 years ago he needs to move on. I'll say this when he came on to me that morning I've never pushed someone away so fast."
He nodded and smiled "I know honey I just wish I had been there to see it."
She chuckled slightly "El you probably would have hurt him," she said as her face then grew serious "you know you have no competition right? That your the only man I love?"
He nodded and smiled "of course I do love it's not like you kissed him back, you pushed him away as soon as it started and you didn't visit him in the hospital any more after that."
She smiled slightly and nodded "true what's in the bag?"
"It's some of the stuff that CSU finished with, I guess he's rotating between working at the Bronx courthouse and the evidence lockup that's why he dropped by is to bring this."
She nodded slightly "you think my ring might be in there?"
He nodded "maybe so only way to know is to look and see right?"
She nodded slightly as Elliot sat down beside her then opened it as he pulled out his scarf "h-how did this find it's way in here? There's no blood on it," Elliot said puzzled.
Olivia sighed "h-he used it to cover my nose and eyes..."
"Oh honey... Honey I'm so sorry..." Elliot said softly as he went to throw it away but Olivia shook her head "Elliot you don't have to, I mean if you don't wanna ever ware it again I understand but your scent being on that scarf? It helped me dissociate and get through those first few burns, I-if I hadn't had that I-I don't know if... I-I don't know if I would have mentally survived..."
He nodded slightly as he pulled her into his arms "I can't keep it, I just can't... b-but I'm glad that my smell being on it gave you some comfort," he said softly as he rummaged around in the bag for the ring "ahh there it is," he said with a smile as he showed it to her.
Olivia smiled brightly as she looked at it as the engraving could be seen clearly and it had been freshly cleaned "will you put this ring back on my finger where it belongs El?"
He nodded "absolutely, you want me to put it on your right ring finger till your left hand is healed?"
She shook her head slightly "put it on my left ring finger where it belongs I know you'll be careful."
He nodded slightly "alright sweetheart," he said as he gently slipped the ring onto her finger then kissed her hand gently as he then laid her hand back down "does your finger feel complete again now?"
Olivia smiled "most definitely," she said as she smiled and hugged him tightly as he returned it gently and held her that way for a few minutes "you wanna finish going through the bag?" Olivia asked.
Elliot nodded "maybe in a few I need to treat that last burn though first," he said softly.
Olivia slightly nodded understanding as she let him pull away from the hug as once she was comfortable he ever so gently treated the burn caused by his semper fi metal as a tear slipped down his cheek.
Olivia carefully raised her right arm as her meds had helped a little with the tremors and pain as she gently wiped the tear away and rubbed his shoulder while he bandaged it with a shaking hand and desperately tried to hold it together "it's okay El y-you can let it out."
Elliot shook his head slightly as he moved away from her slowly then balled his hands into fists at his sides as he took a couple deep breaths to get control of his emotions "I-I can't.."
Olivia frowned slightly "can you tell me why?"
Elliot sighed slightly "Liv this isn't about me. N-none of this happened to me and I don't have the right to break down about it when I'm not the one who suffered through it.."
Olivia nodded slightly at his statement, her eyes full of compassion "Elliot please come here," she said softly, at this point hating her physical limitations more than ever as all she wanted to do was walk across the room and wrap him in her arms.
Elliot shook his head "baby I have to much rage inside me right now, it's taking every bit of restraint I have not to punch a hole in the wall."
She slightly nodded "if you need to punch a hole in the wall go ahead Elliot, I understand it," she said softly.
He shook his head and slightly chuckled "I can't this is Cragen's wall not ours."
She nodded "true," she said softly as she thought for a moment "e-Elliot you say you didn't suffer so you don't have the right to cry but that's not true."
He shook his head adamantly "yes it is true Liv I'm not the one who was force fed alcohol and drugs you are, I'm not the one who was gagged and bound you are a-and I'm not the one who was burned with metal objects you are."
She sighed slightly and desperately held in her tears, determined that this time in this situation she was gonna comfort him "Elliot your right, every thing you just said about what happened to me is right..." She took a breath "b-but you also heard me tremble in fear over the phone, you heard me scream when he burned me with that metal... and that's only what I know you heard I can't imagine what went through your head when you saw our bedroom... So no Elliot you might not have physically went through the trauma but you have mental trauma that's probably just as bad as mine in its own way..."
He slightly sighed and sunk down onto the floor as he held his head in his hands while her words sank in "I-I've had rage in me for several days Liv... A-At first it just seemed like the normal rage I'd get and I knew how to handle it, I had rage at Izzabella's unknown illness, rage at the way your colleagues were making you feel, rage at Lewis for what he said to you in that interrogation room... "T-Then once the rage started to clear t-that's when Lewis took you and honey... honey I feel like I'm libel to snap at any second... T-the smallest things are making me so angry..."
"Elliot honey I would be more worried about you right now if you weren't angry seeing that brand on my chest... it makes you human, Elliot your anger makes you human," she said softly as she eased out of the bed and onto the floor.
Elliot shook his head franticly at her as she approached him "I-I don't trust myself right now Liv, I-I don't trust my hands right now."
Olivia nodded slightly "I trust them though Elliot, you might have rage inside you Elliot but you've always controlled it," she said as she gently wrapped both arms around him despite the doctors orders, pain and small tremors "honey careful careful," Elliot said softly as he sighed, his anger melting as he pulled her into his arms.
Olivia let herself be pulled into them "honey you just proved my point," she said softly as she rubbed his back.
He shook his head slightly "no honey the rage is still there it's just simmering under the surface again, waiting for something else tiny to set it off. I snapped at our daughter honey, our daughter I've got to get help."
Olivia nodded slightly as she thought carefully on her next few words "Elliot I do think going back to your therapist would be good for you, not so much because of your anger but so she can help you process what you had to see and hear. and Elliot I saw your tear, before you went into that rage a few minutes ago I saw the heartbreak underneath, the pure and utter heartbreak and if you ask me the rage? It's just a mask, your not allowing yourself to grieve so your expressing it through anger instead."
He nodded slightly "m-maybe so but either way it scares me, I've been snapping at every one who looked at me wrong for the past 3 days and I don't wanna trigger you Liv."
She nodded slightly "I get why it scares you Elliot trust me I do, the only way to get rid of some of it though El is to either let yourself grieve, it can be with me or away from me which ever makes you most comfortable or you can go to the gym down the block and hit the punching bag, release it like you did when you worked SVU but we both agree that you need to release some of it somehow."
He nodded slightly "I-I can't leave you by yourself."
She nodded slightly, knowing exactly what she needed to do so he could grieve "you know I'm a bit sleepy from the meds maybe you could give me 1 of your famous back massages?"
Elliot nodded slightly "of course sweetheart," he said softly as he got off the floor and gently laid her on her side "I don't have the massage oil do you think it'll be okay with just my hands?"
Olivia nodded with a smile "yeah it will be El I tell you almost every time that we don't need it," she said through a slight chuckle as he slightly smiled and started the massage as he was massaging the 1 part of Olivia's body that Lewis had left unscathed as Olivia was sleeping with in 5 minutes.
Once she fell asleep Elliot slightly smiled and slowly stopped the massage as his brain then went back to the horrible images of the burns, the sounds of her screams and the look of their bedroom that had once been their sanctuary, their safe place as his body shook with silent sobs as he quietly left the bedroom and headed outside and to the woods behind Cragen's house as he screamed loudly, letting his tears and rage come out as he pummeled his fists against the unforgiving bark of an oak tree.