Sorry I haven't updated for a while, but I've been very busy – I had an interview, I went to Rome, then I got ill. And also had various other stories demanding that I write them instead. Anyway, sorry, but here's a nice relatively large chapter as a Christmas present.
Chapter 14
Frodo opened his eyes and realized that he was a potato.
Needless to say, this was an extremely odd feeling, and he was glad when he changed back to normal, even though his feet seemed to have turned into ducks when he wasn't looking.
"Seven hundred and twenty-three thousand, four hundred and forty-two to one and falling…"
He then noticed that he was currently in a large thimble filled with cheez-whizz, floating on top of a picnic table. In the distance he thought he could see some rabbits dressed as leprechauns doing the Macarena, and some blue fluffy creatures devouring a pile of chocolate brownies while floating through cauliflowers.
That's not right, he thought. Surely he had just been on his way to the Death Star public bathroom?
"Four hundred and eighty-nine thousand, eight hundred and thirty-nine to one and falling…"
The realization slowly dawned on him that he had never made it there – a strange ship had suddenly appeared, he had fallen through a suddenly open door which closed behind him. And now he was on board this ship.
"Two hundred and thirteen thousand, five hundred and eight to one and falling…"
That wasn't what concerned him though. The problem was that, having never made it to the bathroom, he had a rapidly increasing need to find a toilet…
Up in the cockpit of the Heart of Gold, Trillian paused in her countdown and stared at the screen. "Er, guys?"
No-one replied at first. Arthur was searching through the Guide, determined to find somewhere in the Galaxy which served tea (denial wasn't just a river in Egypt. Well, it wasn't even that any more); Ford was perusing a towel catalogue; and Zaphod had discovered a three-hour special on him on MTV 342, and was currently basking in his ego. And Marvin… well, he certainly wasn't skipping about making daisy chains.
"Guys?" repeated Trillian more loudly, "Frodo Baggins is in the Improbability Drive."
They all looked up.
"Who?" said Ford in bewilderment.
"Isn't he a wizard?" asked Arthur, frowning.
"They're looking at my childhood!" said Zaphod gleefully, "Trying to figure out where it all went wrong."
"Probably when the nurse said you were cute," said Ford, "First initiated the idea that all women adore you."
"Most do…"
"Er," interrupted Trillian loudly, "Frodo Baggins is actually the main character in 'The Lord of the Rings'. He was declared missing on FandomNet a few hours ago."
"So how did he end up here?" said Ford in confusion.
"Probably some incredible series of events…. But mainly because of the Improbability Drive."
"Man," said Zaphod, shaking his heads, "We really out to stop using that thing…"
"Ohh, but it's fun!" said Ford in horror, "Remember when we left Marvin in there? He grew fur!"
"Oh yeah…" grinned Zaphod reminiscently.
"Should we send Marvin to get him?" suggested Arthur.
"No – he just watched 'It's a Wonderful Life'. Asking him to do such a menial task might just push him over the edge."
"Get going, monkey man," said Zaphod. Arthur sighed and trudged off to the Improbability Drive.
"Marvin must be the only person who interprets 'It's a Wonderful Life' as a tragic overview of how we're all in denial that our lives are pointless, and will conjure up fantasies to distract us from our ever-approaching inevitable deaths," observed Ford.
"Well, I don't think it was the message the studios were going for," said Trillian.
Meanwhile, Frodo was staggering out of the Improbability Drive, checking that he wasn't a lawn ornament. For a few tense seconds he thought that he might still have some porcelain toes, but then he realized everything was all right, and breathed a sigh of relief – and also breathed out a small carrot. Not completely recovered from the Improbability Drive, then.
"Ahem."
Frodo span round to see Arthur Dent standing behind him. Still in his dressing gown.
"Hello," said Frodo, "I'm Frodo Baggins."
"I certainly hope so," said Arthur, "I wouldn't personally want any more hobbits down here. Just one's enough to be dealing with. I'm Arthur Dent. Aren't you the hero of the 'Lord of the Rings' fandom?"
"Er," said Frodo, "I guess so. And you?"
"Apparently, hero of the 'Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' fandom. Though I don't feel like I did anything particularly heroic."
Frodo smiled. "I thought so. You had the air of an 'everyman hero of classic English fandom' about you."
"Really?"
"Oh yes."
Arthur smiled slightly too. "How do you feel about tea?"
-
Given that Sam, Merry and Pippin's previous sailing experience consisted mainly of sitting in the Lorien boats while the others rowed, it was a miracle they could make the Black Pearl move at all. But against all odds, as the sun rose over the ocean, illuminating the whole world gold and pink, the Black Pearl's sails were full and the ship rode the waves towards lands unknown.
This was good enough for the hobbits. But what made it absolutely wonderful was the discovery that one of the cabins was absolutely packed with apples.
"I've never been on a proper holiday before," said Pippin, "and I think I like it."
"I don't blame Frodo for sailing to the Undying Lands," agreed Merry, "Do you think they had lots of apples on their voyage too?"
"Not sure," mused Sam, throwing a core over the side of the ship and reaching for another, "Do elves like apples much?"
"They certainly didn't have enough of them around Rivendell," said Merry slightly morosely, "I ate their entire supply within a few hours. And their carrots. And-"
"Speaking of the Undying Lands," said Pippin suddenly, "do you think that's where we're headed?"
"No idea," shrugged Sam, "The ship seems to know where it's going."
The ship did, indeed, know where it was going. Like the Star Wars Fanverse, the Pirates of the Caribbean Fanverse was dithering slightly without its protagonists. So when it sensed that the Black Pearl had crew again, it accepted them without question and steered the ship back to the shores of the Caribbean, like one gathers a large pile of chocolates towards one's side of the table so that no-one else can steal any.
However, just as the sun was setting on another profound day of eating apples and occasionally trying to learn how to steer the ship, something rather odd happened.
The ship struck something invisible, and stopped.
Due to the hobbits' lack of concern with where the ship went, it took them a few minutes to realize that the ship wasn't moving anymore.
"Hang a tick," said Pippin suddenly, "We're not moving. That's not right, is it?"
"I'm guessing," said Sam, looking up at the still-full sails straining to push the ship forward through the unseen barrier, and the waves crashing onto the back of the ship, "no."
"Oh," said Merry.
They sat there in silence for a minute.
"Why do you suppose we've stopped?" queried Merry.
"Hazarding a guess," said Sam, "I'd say we're stuck on an invisible barrier of some sort."
"Oh," repeated Pippin.
There was another silence.
"What kind of invisible barrier?" asked Pippin.
"Why do you keep asking me?" said Sam, "I don't know."
The three hobbits got up to investigate the invisible barrier. A moment later, they realized this was completely pointless, as they couldn't see it. However Pippin, who had learnt precisely nothing from the mission to destroy the Ring about not touching things he didn't understand, reached out and prodded it with one finger.
The sound of a doorbell echoed across the ocean.
Before the hobbits could even blink in surprise, a small piece of paper about the size of a business card appeared in a flash of light and fluttered down onto the deck at their feet.
THEN they blinked in surprise.
"What's that?" said Merry.
Sam picked it up and read the writing on it aloud. 'Please present passes for admission into Pirates of the Caribbean Fanverse.'
"Passes?" said Pippin blankly.
Sam remembered the passes which Aragorn had given them, and pulled them out of his pocket. Uncertainly, he pushed them towards the barrier.
They vanished in another flash of light. From that same flash of light fluttered down another little business card, which Sam caught in the air.
'Thank you. Enjoy your stay.'
Before Sam, Merry and Pippin could comment on this odd turn of events, the invisible barrier vanished – though they didn't know that – and the wind, feeling annoyed at being challenged, blew the ship at full speed through it, and into the fandom beyond, so fiercely that the hobbits were knocked off their feet, and they fell heavily back down onto the deck.
They lay there still for a moment, staring up at the sky, in varying degrees of shock, feeling the waves toss the ship to and fro like an unenthusiastic game of Frisbee. It was several moments before Merry thought of an appropriate comment.
"What," he said slowly, "the heck was that all about?"
-
In Rivendell, the battle raged on. Leia and Arwen's Sonic Tournament was at a stalemate, and had now moved onto best of 39, and the elves had set up a standing order with the Lembas Pizza Delivery Service.
Elrond, however, had assembled as many of the popular book characters as he could. Haldir, Elladan, Elrohir, Beregond, Theodred (alive again and most happy about it), Imrahil, Halbarad, Quickbeam, Rosie Cotton, Thorin Oakenshield, Radagast the Brown – even Tom Bombadil and Goldberry.
"Elves – men – dwarves – hobbits -" he began, "Istari - Ents-"
"Treebeard presents his apologies," said Quickbeam, "He would have liked to have been here, but he's still leading the Entmoot. Some of the Ents wanted to show photos from their latest holidays, so there's no knowing how long it will last."
"That's quite all right," said Elrond hurriedly, "Anyway, as I was saying – the situation is becoming desperate. Some of our main characters are missing; most of the others are distracted-" They heard a loud cheer from the Games Room, and Leia yelling, "Best of 41! Best of 41!" Elrond shivered slightly. "There is something amiss in Middle-earth," he said gravely, "Something is working against us. There may already be operatives from other fandoms here, plotting our downfall. Which is why I have called all you here."
"Don't worry, Father," said Elrohir with a grin, "We've been waiting a long time for this."
"I know you have," said Elrond, "Now, I have tasks for all of you. Theodred, Imrahil, Halbarad, Goldberry – I want you to go to the Watching Dimensions, and try some marketing. Tom Bombadil will try to come up with a jingle."
"Lord of the Rings, tis a fabby old fandom, its morals are deep and its ending random-"
"Thank you, Master Bombadil, but that'll be fine. Now – Rosie, Beregond, Gildor, Dain – I want you to send the message to the rest of your races to keep an eye out for strange happenings. Radagast, Quickbeam – ask the animals and the trees. Haldir, Elladan, Elrohir…" Elrond sighed heavily. "Yours is a very important mission. We must find Frodo and the others. I need you to infiltrate other Fanverses and try to find them."
Haldir nodded. "That'll be fine. But we'll need passes."
Elrond, for the first time in his life, looked quite devious. "No we won't. I recently received word from Aragorn and Legolas. They are fine, and in the Star Wars Fanverse. They got there through a plot hole, caused by a Mary-Sue. That's how everyone else is accessing each other's Fanverses. There ought to be enough for you all to get into all Fanverses – Eru knows there are enough crossovers out there…"
"But…" said Haldir, "That's illegal."
One of Elrond's eyebrows arched. "The other Fanverses can't know that you're there. This is the only way. Besides, it's self-defence," he added innocently.
Elrohir grinned. "That's fine with me."
"Wait a moment," said Halbarad, "Aragorn and Legolas are OK?"
"Yes."
"They're both in the Star Wars Universe?"
"Yes."
"Then – who's that in there cheering on Arwen and Leiagorn?"
Elrond grinned. This was a strange occurrence – several elves all grinning at once. "That's what I aim to find out while you're gone…"
It is a little-known but quickly-learned-when-it-happens-to-you lesson – never mess with elves.
-
freakanature – I didn't like the way they did Voldemort in the film. He scampered a bit too much. Not to mention his wonderful interpretive dance at one point. He is not worthy of comparison to Darth Vader and Sauron!
xPussyWillowKittenx – It ought to be interesting, at least… (evil grin)
Mousewolf – That is a genius list. I can try to mention it somewhere.
Ebon Oleander Wenham – I have no idea why I didn't thank you for your review. Utterly utterly apologetic. THANK YOU THANK YOU.
SlashyKitty – I'm wondering whether there's a school Dark Lords have to go through before they get their licence…
Satanira – HAH! Carrots won't work! My Wob-Wobs only eat vegetables if there aren't even any sofas available. But my Ninja Wob-Wobs cannot be distracted!
writeR – Oh… er… um… well… I have TWO SPORKS!
Kelly of the midnight dawn – The only way I'm able to keep writing this is I'm not taking it very seriously, to be honest… as soon as I start worrying about making a story good, I can't write it. I have no idea what's going to happen next, I'm just letting the characters fight it out. All I have to do is remember what everyone's doing. Ahhh. Nice relaxing story.
Have a nice Christmas!