Sorry I haven't updated for a while – I've had homework, influenza virus B, university visits, and been in a panto where I wore one of THE MOST unflattering outfits EVER and had to cheerleading and extremely bad mathematics. Euuuurgh. Anyway, here's another chapter, and it starts off with a nice recap of what's going on in the story! How convenient! Oh, and I have written some things that are going on in the Watching Dimensions, but I can't put them on here lest the story be taken down for being real person based – they're on my website, so you can find them there… no, this isn't a scheme to get people to join… (innocent look)
Chapter 15
Galadriel stood at her mirror, watching certain interesting events taking place across Middle-earth. Beregond was riding towards Minas Tirith from Ithilien with groups of Rangers, and had already caught sight of the pirate flag flying from the citadel. Rosie Cotton seemed to be interviewing a small hobbit girl who was excitedly telling her about a large man in a black outfit who breathed funny. Elladan, Elrohir and Haldir were arming themselves against Mary-Sues for their attempts to breach plot holes.
Really, she ought, it was all going rather well. She turned her attention to other Fanverses to see how they would respond and, more importantly, to provide a plot device so that the reader can get their bearings with what was going on.
Sam, Merry and Pippin were sailing into the Caribbean. Aragorn and Legolas were in the Prequel Star Wars Fanverse causing as much havoc as they could while auditioning for Anakin's Evil Twin. Figwit was still languishing in the depths of the Death Star, and his cell did NOT contain a mini-bar. The Death Star itself was trying to track the Heart of Gold, which was not very happy about this and zooming as fast as it could in the opposite direction, while Frodo and Arthur Dent conversed about tea.
Leia and Han Solo, she knew, were at Rivendell posing as Rangers – it was only a matter of time before they were discovered. Luke Skywalker seemed to be flying to Hogwarts… Darth Vader and Sauron seemed to have left Voldemort alone temporarily and were plotting their own evil deeds. They were both cackling, so it must be going well. She wondered where Yoda was in all of this, and turned her mirror to see Dagobah – but his house was empty.
She wondered whether he was in the Watching Dimensions, and briefly turned her mirror to look there. Oh dear – Count Dooku seemed to be addressing a group of LOTR fans who were under the impression he was Saruman. She would have to tell Elrond about that. Anakin was talking to high schools, Obi-Wan was mind-tricking random people in the street, and Padme seemed to be using her feminine charms to attract a larger audience – that, and appearing on chat shows in the gold bikini. But they wouldn't have the full focus of the public for long – already, she could see Theodred and the others arriving, along with many agents from the Matrix. It was about to get very interesting back there…
Meanwhile, Hogwarts seemed to be under the most duress: their main characters were still in the middle of the Forbidden Forest, and had been replaced by the Baudelaires; the DADA teacher had been replaced by Saruman; Voldemort was planning to overthrow the plot continuum, and Dumbledore had no idea. She frowned. How could that be possible? How could he not have noticed? Only the most inept wizard…
Something dawned on her. Everyone was getting from Fanverse to Fanverse far too easily –even with plot holes. It was as if this entire battle was being co-ordinated… and only one Fanverse could-
She never finished that thought. There was a flash of light, and then there was only a statue in the glade, a frozen expression of dawning horrified comprehension on her face. A tall figure glided past her and looked into the Mirror, and smiled.
-
On the Heart of Gold, Frodo was explaining his situation to the – well, 'crew', but I use that term in the loosest sense of the word.
"… so the Star Wars Fanverse seems to be going to any lengths to keep themselves at the top of the NERD fanlists," he said, "and it, erm, well, it doesn't seem very fair."
"Certainly doesn't," said Arthur in outrage – the British place great importance on being fair.
"Life-" began Marvin, but Zaphod interrupted,
"MARVIN! We don't need to hear your essay on how life isn't fair at this time."
"Why would I bother to write an essay? No-one would read it," said Marvin hopelessly.
"What did you say about this elf, Figwit?" said Trillian loudly.
"As far as I know, he's still stuck on the Death Star. Any chance we could – I don't know – rescue him, or something?"
"All right!" cheered Zaphod, "Old-fashioned Hero-rescue! Can I wear a cape?"
Ford wordlessly handed him a towel.
"Zaphod," said Trillian nervously – as he was now delightedly knotting it around his neck – "I'm guessing that this Death Star is well defended…"
"Yuh?" said Zaphod, not really listening, trying to fasten the towel so that it didn't strangle him.
"VERY well defended," agreed Frodo, "In fact, I grabbed a pamphlet from the Shuttle – they have many mounted gun turrets, a fleet of TIE fighters defending it, not to mention a Great Big Green Laser™. In fact, they claim 'All attempts to destroy the Death Star will result in 100 Rebel Death, or your money back!'
"Mmm?" said Zaphod – he had now loosened the towel adequately so that he could breathe, but his blood supply was still slightly obstructed.
"You could die," said Trillian simply.
"You WOULD die," said Arthur, even more simply.
"I really don't see where you're going with this," said Zaphod. Before any of them could try to get it even simpler ("ZAPHOD – YOU. WILL. DIE." perhaps) Zaphod finally succeeded in tying without obstructing any vital tubes in his neck, and with a whoop vaulted over the back of the sofa and running madly around the ship with his arms outstretched.
Everyone sat in silence watching him for a long moment – it was a strangely fascinating sight. Finally, Trillian broke the silence.
"Perhaps we could use the ship's Improbability Drive to enter the exact place where he's being held…"
"Except we don't know the exact place he's being held," pointed out Frodo, "And we can't exactly leave this ship parked in the middle of a hallway while we go round looking for him."
"We could use it to deactivate the Death Star's defences, perhaps?" suggested Ford, "To produce a device which emits the exact frequency needed to shut down all lasers and guns and TIE fighters."
"But still, how are we going to get on board to get Figwit?" said Trillian, "I don't know if you've noticed, but we're not the most Rescue-Savvy bunch."
It was at this moment that Zaphod charged past them whooping and yelling "SUPER ZAPHOD!" It was another long moment before anyone could speak again.
"We need professionals," said Trillian simply, "Professionals who are used to doing any kind of job, as long as their paid…"
"And aren't different enough to the plot to be noticed," pointed out Ford.
"We're doomed," moaned Marvin.
"No we're not!" said Arthur optimistically, "There must be lots of Fanverses out there with crews like that."
"Who said I was talking about your mission?" said Marvin.
"What about the Star Trek crew?" suggested Arthur.
"Too clichéd," said Trillian, shaking her head, "The Star Wars Fanverse would detect them a mile off."
"So it's got to be a small Fanverse too," said Frodo, shaking his head, "That narrows it down slightly, doesn't it?"
"None come to mind," said Ford, "Perhaps the computer-"
"Hi there!" said Eddie the computer cheerily. Marvin shuddered.
"Computer?" said Trillian, "Can you run a Fanverse search for a self-sustaining ship, mercenary crew, known for taking any job and getting it done-"
"But still being nice people," cut in Frodo.
"-but still being nice people, not very well-known, er, I think that's it… oh, and those who might be willing to ruin Star Wars… but that's not a necessity-"
"Done," said Eddie immediately.
They blinked. "That was quick," said Trillian, "What's the Fanverse?"
-
"Firefly!"
Kaylee looked from the engine as Captain Mal came in. He didn't look happy. But that was nothing new.
"Kaylee, this ship is a Firefly. Tell me, what does a firefly do?"
Kaylee shrugged. "Flies around campfires, I guess. Ain't seen one myself."
"And they glow. So our ship is supposed to glow too, Kaylee, but it ain't doing that. So the engine must be broken. Care to tell me why?"
Kaylee sighed. "See this?" she said, waving a threateningly-heaving looking piece of metal at him, "Know what this is?"
"Hazarding a guess, some new toy of Jayne's?"
"This is a very important bit of the engine. It broke about a month ago."
"You should've mentioned it."
"I did. Twenty-eight times. And I told you there was a problem with it about once a week for four months before that."
"Tell me louder next time. So why's it a problem now?"
"Because-" Kaylee hefted up an even more threateningly-heavy looking piece of metal, "-this just broke too."
"Let me guess," said Mal, "Another very important bit?"
"You got it. Engine can survive without one of these cos one can do both's jobs, just not very well – but without both of them – we ain't glowing."
Mal stared. "Engine doesn't work," supplied Kaylee, "We don't move."
"I got that. Can you fix it?"
"Might be able to, but it'd take a couple of weeks… We really need the replacement parts."
"Which we don't have."
"Never do."
Mal sighed. "Right – you get to trying to fix it, I'll sort something out…"
He turned and headed up the corridor towards the bridge. As he passed through the dining area, he saw River sitting at the table, drawing something.
"Firefly's not glowing," she said.
"I'd noticed," said Mal. He carried on through the ship up to the bridge, where the pilot Wash was, as ever, hard at work and completely focussed on his task.
"You tried to kill me," a triceratops was proclaiming, "but you failed!"
"Har har! A mistake I will not make twice!" a tyrannosaurus rex roared back, "Now DIE!"
"Much as I hate to interrupt the thrilling adventures of the dinosaurs…" said Mal loudly – Wash jumped about a mile and model dinosaurs flew everywhere – "-we've got a problem."
"I'm hoping it's something to do with the fact the engine isn't working, cos that seems enough to be getting along with for now," said Wash, setting dinosaurs back in place like nothing had happened, "Let me guess – some incredibly important part has broken?"
"Two, actually."
"Ah. And we don't have replacements?"
"Not so much."
"Ah." Wash paused. "So what are you doing up here?"
"Cos I'm feeling scared and need a hug."
"Ask Zoe. Or Jayne, I'm sure he could be cuddly."
"I need you to send out a signal. Contact anyone nearby offering a trade for those two parts."
"Sure," said Wash, and started pressing various buttons, "But we don't have anything to trade."
"And the longer they don't know that the better." Mal turned to leave, when there was a strange bleeping sound from the controls. He didn't turn back, but said slowly, "Wash, tell me that's a happy beep."
"Err… not exactly sure, Captain," said Wash, frowning and pressing even more buttons, "It's a signal, but I've never seen the frequency before… it seems to be…" He suddenly swore in Chinese. "Mal, I think it's coming over the FandomNet."
Mal did turn round then. "The FandomNet?"
"Uh-huh." Wash span round in his chair to face him. "It's coming from another Fanverse."
Mal, for one of the first times in his life, was bewildered. "Why on earth would someone contact a lowly ex-TV show Fanverse like us?..."
"We do have a movie now."
"Yes, but still…" Mal shook himself. "Is it the NERD?"
"No… it's another Fanverse. 'Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.'"
Mal nodded, and hit the ship's com. "Zoe, come up to the bridge." He released it and stared the blinking message light on the counter. "What could they want?..."
-
Yes… I am a browncoat. Apologies if you've never seen Firefly or Serenity. If not, at least watch Serenity (out on DVD in England February 23rd, already out in America, you lucky things) because it was my favourite film last year. And no, I haven't been paid to advertise it.
xPussyWillowKittenx – Whoops. I did indeed mean to say 'ought'. (smacks self)
Kelly of the Midnight Dawn – You did! You reviewed! Reviews make happy fuzzies. Everyone should always review. Multiple times. And if anyone gets put on trial, I'll e-mail you for stuff on Law and Order!
Ebon Oleander Wenham – You actually make a good point… we haven't seen Boromir for a while. YOU MADE A GOOD POINT, ASHLEY! RELISH IT!
BlueDove – Well, it's about time LOTR got back in the fight…
SlashyKitty – Perhaps someone should start that school.
Mousewolf – I'm hoping to introduce Lost soon, along with several other fandoms I've been sitting on for a while… Huzzah, I finally managed to fit Firefly in!
Satanira - … hello? Is anyone there now?
writeR - … see, now you've said that, I DO want to try it. Just to see if a spork can defeat a cleaver.
Red Tigress – Thanks! I don't have Sci-fi Channel though… (pouts) … so I'm limited to what shows I get on terrestrial television and in DVD boxsets. That is, Firefly. (happy grin)
freakanature – There does seem to be something wrong about that. It's like Wolfgang Peterson making Troy when he thought the gods were 'silly and unnecessary to the plot'. Voldemort was just weird in the film – hovering his hand over-dramatically over Harry's face: "I'm not touching you! I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU! … 'kay, now I am. BWAHAHAHA!"
Rahil – Quirky… you know, I think you've found the word which sums up all my fanfiction. Except the Terrible Matrix Unintentional Mary-Sue Which We Do Not Speak Of. Even though I did just speak of it. Whoops.
Kamineko – Anakin is in the Watching Dimensions, so I can't put that on here… but he ought to be coming back at some point. And I haven't seen much of Star Trek, but I have several friends who are fans so I might get things from them to write about. As for Dune… never seen it. Sorry.