Here I am again. Even I'm losing track of who's where, and it's not going to get any easier…
Chapter 16
On the Heart of Gold, they waited for the crew of the Firefly to respond. "Are you sure they're up to it?" said Frodo uncertainly, "I've never heard of them…"
"That's why they're perfect," insisted Trillian, "They're not a big fandom, so they won't be recognized on the Death Star. But they're still sci-fi, so they won't cause a massive anomaly."
"Can they be trusted though?"
"If you pay them."
The screen suddenly flickered into life, revealing Mal, and behind him, Zoe, and behind them, wandering around absent-mindedly, River.
"Is this the, uh, Heart of Gold?" asked Mal uncertainly. Arthur could hardly blame him – his crew looked like a thoroughly ordinary bunch, while his own crew included one man still wearing a towel superhero cloak, a hobbit and a manically depressed robot.
"Yes," replied Trillian, "And is this the Serenity? Are you Captain Malcolm Reynolds?"
"Was last time I checked."
"Isn't the Heart of Gold a whorehouse?" came a voice from offscreen.
"Jayne, you're talking again," said Mal irritably.
"Yes, where Mal met that prostitute friend of Inara's and they did the sex," said another voice offscreen.
"WASH. Don't make me take your dinosaurs."
They heard the man called Wash say something in Chinese, which may have been a suggestion as to where he'd like to put his dinosaurs. Mal ignored him and said, "Now why is a big Fanverse like you contacting a lowlife TV show like us?"
"That's a bit harsh," they heard Simon say, "I prefer 'reputationally challenged'."
"We've got a job for you," said Trillian.
The entire crew suddenly fell silent, and their eyes brightened. "Job?" said Mal, "As in, paying job?"
"Of course."
"Naked beach, here we come!" said Wash gleefully.
"Is it illegal?" asked Mal.
"Well, I'm guessing some people won't be too happy about it, but technically they started it, so…"
"Fair enough. What is it?"
Trillian told him. When she finished, the crew of Serenity were silent once more. They waited.
"Let me get this straight," said Mal finally, "You want us to waltz onto the Death Star, which has lots of big guns and tractor beams and other such unpleasantries – navigate the corridors, which are packed with guards with more guns - and rescue an elf, who you don't know the location of?"
"That's about it," said Trillian.
"Oh," said Mal.
There was another silence.
"It had better be a BIG naked beach," said Wash finally.
Kaylee appeared behind Mal. "Cap'n, it means we could get those parts we need…"
"And some more medical supplies," said Simon, "Since that bank job, we're running a bit short."
"I didn't ask for everyone to get shot," said Mal defensively.
"No, it just happens a lot anyway."
"You won't meet any trouble on the way in," cut in Trillian, "Our ship can deactivate their outer defences – it's just the getting out that'll be the problem…"
"And not getting dead."
"Well, that too."
Mal looked thoughtful. "We'll have to think about it," he said finally, and shut off the communication channel.
"I'm not sure about this," said Zoe immediately, "That Death Star doesn't sound very friendly."
"Yeah, the word 'Death' is a bit of a heads-up," said Wash.
"I've heard about Star Wars…" said Simon slowly.
"Everyone's heard about Star Wars," snapped Mal, "I think kids are born with the inherited knowledge that Darth Vader is Luke's father."
"No," said Simon, "I learnt about it at school – Ancient Culture of Earth-That-Was. It was a building block of their sci-fi and film, and the birthplace of proper special effects…"
"Fun as this little lesson from Doctor Genius is, shouldn't we be getting guns or getting the hell out of here?" interrupted Jayne.
"My point is," said Simon loudly, "that Star Wars properly began the idea of a movie plot formula – properly developed a structure for movie Fanverses. You see, before Star Wars, book Fanverses were predominant because their stories were set down on paper, irrefutable and strengthened by the many people reading them, and film Fanverses were unstable... But when movies started getting the main audience, people seeing them repeatedly and getting as involved in the worlds as if they were more than creations on celluloid – well, they took over-"
Jayne yawned loudly.
"Oh right. Point. My point IS that it was a trailblazer, and because of that, there were mistakes – plot holes. Hundreds of plot holes feed into the Star Wars universe at various points. And we might be able to navigate them to our advantage."
There was a silence.
"That's a fair idea," said Mal, "But do you know what any of these plot holes ARE?"
"No, I-"
"C-3PO clearly spent a large amount of time on the Lars' farm because Cliegg bought Shmi and then freed her and married her before she was kidnapped by the Tusken Raiders which happened a month before Anakin even turned up and no other droids were seen suggesting they had minimal staff so C-3PO would have to carry out a large amount of tasks and would have made a sufficient impression for him to remember C-3PO when he saw him again only twenty-one years later yet Owen makes no sign of remembering whatsoever," said River in an uninterested voice, gazing absently into the distance, "Though admittedly there are other protocol droids which look similar as we see with TC-14 in 'The Phantom Menace', though that droid had different vocal patterns so from that evidence we can form an ambiguous hypothesis that each droid has a distinct voice, though of course TC-14 could have been mass produced while C-3PO was made by hand by Anakin, so again the mass produced droids may have all had the same voice, which would explain why TC-14's voice is marginally more computerized and less emotional compared to the musical tones and marginally effeminate voice of C-3PO…"
The crew stared at her, once more in silence. Serenity hadn't been so quiet for so long a period of time since all the crew left in the shuttles, leaving Mal with a gun wound. But even then the computer had kept helpfully pointing out that the life support system was broken. This time, even the computer seemed astonished.
"…and then of course there's the fact that Leia remembers Padme more than Luke despite the fact that Luke was born first, although Obi-Wan was holding beyond the range of a normal infant's line of sight, so not even he should be able to have the distinct memory of her being beautiful or sad, let alone Leia who only saw her for a few seconds…"
"Wash, contact the brunette. Tell her we'll do it," said Mal, "And you, doc-" he said, turning to Simon, "Try to teach your genius sister the concept of brief, informative bullet points."
-
The Death Star was drifting through space, unknowing of its imminent doom being plotted several Fanverses away. Although, even if the Emperor did know it was about to be attacked by a ship called Serenity – a tiny ship with no Jedi on board and no weapons to speak of – somehow I don't think he would be overly perturbed.
He should have been.
For one thing, the ship Serenity had a score to settle. For another, his plans in other Fanverses weren't going exactly to plan. And for yet another, just to make his day complete, Figwit wasn't planning on sitting around in his cell forever waiting for someone to rescue him.
After Sauron captured so many of the elves to turn them into orcs, elves were taught how to escape from things from a young age. And they were training to escape from Barad-dur. The Death Star Detention Level was nothing in comparison.
So shortly after he'd been placed there by guards, just long enough for them to get complacent, Figwit yawned, broke the lock, opened the door and strolled out past the guards, waving and smiling pleasantly. Before they could say anything, he stepped into the lift and closed the doors behind him.
A few minutes later, it occurred to the guards that perhaps that wasn't supposed to happen. But the pleasant smile of an elf can be a very distracting thing.
Figwit hummed absently as the lift shot downwards. He wasn't exactly sure where he was going, but this was a big space station – he was certain he could find somewhere to do some suitable damage.
The lift stopped, and he stepped out. Some stormtroopers headed towards him, but another pleasant smile baffled them long enough for him to dart away around a corner.
He strolled through the corridors, slightly disappointed by the lack of resistance. If this were Barad-dur, he'd have been fighting off thousands of orcs with his little finger by now. The Star Wars Fanverse just didn't have the same standards.
He passed by a door which said 'ARMOURY'. A few moments later he stopped, backtracked, and opened the door.
His eyes widened. "Oooh," he said.
A few minutes later, he was strolling through the corridors again, this time adorned with blasters of increasing size and menace. He found he attracted even less strange looks this way, because most people were avoiding eye contact.
Still, this place was pretty huge. Shouldn't there be a map somewhere? "Excuse me," he said, grabbing the arm of the nearest officer, "I'm supposed to be reporting for guard duty, where should I go?"
"What guard duty?" asked the officer.
"Erm. The most important kind. You know, guarding a place or, um, person of great importance."
The officer looked stonily at him. Figwit rolled his eyes. "Yes, I know, I'm terrible at lying. Let me try again." He pulled out one of the large blasters, so huge and angry-looking that it seemed impossible it could actually fire anything. "My friend here has guard duty. Where should it go?"
The colour swiftly left the officer's face and ran for cover. "Erm," said the officer, keeping an admirable tone of calm, "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know! Somewhere important!"
"Emperor's throne room is just down the corridor and then turn right and left and then third door on your left," said the officer very quickly, not taking his eyes off the gun, "Can I go now?"
"Hmm? Oh, sure. Thank you for your assistance." Figwit set off again, and allowed a smile to spread across his face at the sound of fleeing feet behind him. Blasters were fun.
-
In the Forbidden Forest, the students were STILL stuck. And they're going to be stuck there for a while. Just so you know. And yeah, they're getting a bit bored. A plot development'll reach them at some point, but for now, it seems like a good place to keep them.
-
One can always trust a Dark Lord, unless one is a Dark Lord oneself. Because, in the immortal words of Captain Jack Sparrow, 'You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest' – and you can always trust a Dark Lord to be evil.
A Dark Lord can't always trust another to be evil. Sometimes, they can be nice. And that's where it gets tricky. Because if they are constantly evil, but sometimes turn round and betray you by being nice for once – well, how complicated is that?
Sauron was soon to learn that you really, really shouldn't trust another Dark Lord when you're pursuing total global domination yourself.
In all fairness, so was Darth Vader.
Luke Skywalker was piloting his X-Wing through a plot hole from Middle-earth to Hogwarts (caused by MidnightWing Varalissiel Potter, Harry's half-sister from Lily's affair with Severus Snape, flying into Middle-earth on her winged unicorn to find her true wuv Frodo) when he got a phone call from Darth Vader.
"Hi Dad! How's it going?"
"It is going all right, son. Are you flying right now?"
"Yes, just entering the Harry Potter Fanverse."
"Yes, I'd heard. You're not tired, are you? You shouldn't fly tired."
"No, dad, I'm fine."
"Good. Anyway, once you're done there, I need you to try to find a plot hole to Skull Island."
"Why?"
"I'll tell you when you get there." He paused. "Why are you going to the Harry Potter Fanverse?"
"Leia and Han made a deal with the Potions Master. I'm just going to kidnap their protagonist. Thought it would be useful anyway."
"Hmm, yes. The Emperor has been complaining of his plot-usurping. You realize that he was also abandoned with his aunt and uncle by a sage old wizard after the death of his mother?"
"WHAT."
"Yes, I know."
"NO WAY."
"Now, now, Luke…. Jedi don't get angry." Luke could hear the smile in his father's voice and tried to calm himself.
"For the last time, dad, I am NOT becoming a Sith."
"But it would make things so much more convenient. We could shuttle pool-"
"Nope. Bye." Luke ended the conversation before Darth Vader could continue.
It was a minute or two later before something dawned on Vader. Luke was going after Harry. "Oh," he said slowly, "SITH." He tried to call, but it was too late – the magic was interfering with the X-Wing's radio. He couldn't get through.
There was only one thing he could do. He reached for his unicorn journal.
It wasn't there.
-
Red Tigress – FIREFLY AND SERENITY ARE FANSPIFFERTASTIC. Thank you!
Kelly of the Midnight Dawn – I'm still trying to see whether a trial can be worked in at some point, so watch this space.
SlashyKitty – Hurrah for happy heaps! I'm actually surprised so many other people have seen Firefly…
BlueDove – WHEE SERENITY. It came out in England yesterday, and as soon as the HMV near my school opened I dashed up there and bought it. The rest of school seemed to last far longer than usual while I was waiting to get home and watch it…
Rahil – (taking notes) Munchkin… with… lightsaber. Damn, got to work THAT in somewhere.
writeR – Hmm, I hadn't actually thought of that, but it could be interesting… veeerry interesting…
Mousewolf – You have an evil Gungan in your brain? Actually, I think everyone has an evil Gungan in their brain…
xPussyWillowKittenx – Perhaps soon.
Lauren – Me neither, and I'm WRITING it. I'll have to choose at some point…
freakanature – I'm saying nothing. You'll just have to wait.